Did It Cheer Me Up?
No. Not in the slightest. In fact, I feel worse.
I always look forward to seeing my cousins, but as time goes on I feel like less of a cousin and more a scapegoat for them (one in particular) to press their antics and views onto.
The older one and I used to be really close. I mean really close. People assumed we were siblings. We even looked alike.
Now...? If he talks to me it's to insult me or make fun of me. And it hurts! I don't think he knows how much it hurts.
Like spending ten minutes constantly going on about the fact that I'm Wiccan and 'magic stones and salt'.
Yeah, so? Do I make fun of the fact that you're Christian and believe in a cosmic zombie that wants you to figuratively eat his flesh and drink his blood?! (Thanks to Holls for that!)
Do I constantly poke fun at you and mock your style, music tastes, hobbies?
NO!
The bond I once had with him has faded away into nothing.
And I can't remember the last time I felt so sad.
Ellie doesn't help. She's sitting there, laughing along and making fun of me. But when me and Dad go to the Coldrum Stones, that's a different story!
She was quite happily throwing out private things and information that I'd told her in order for him to use as ammunition against me. And right now I honestly don't like her or trust her.
At all.
I don't claim to be perfect. I have my moments when I'm less kind than I should be. But sitting in between them for two hours has undone all the good work I've built up into making myself feel better over the last two weeks.
I feel like nothing again. Trash. Not worthy of their attention or their time.
Why should I come out of my room if ridicule is all that awaits me?
When not even my own sister has the decency to keep the things I tell her secret and my own flesh and blood makes me feel like an idiot every time I open my mouth.
Is that a reason to come out into the real world?
If my own family does that to me...what will strangers do?
I know I shouldn't care. I should be strong, right? My dress sense and public attitude speak of someone who doesn't care what others think of her.
But I do. Too much.
Right now I feel betrayed, angry, sad and completely alone in the world.
Aren't your family supposed to help you when you're down?
I always look forward to seeing my cousins, but as time goes on I feel like less of a cousin and more a scapegoat for them (one in particular) to press their antics and views onto.
The older one and I used to be really close. I mean really close. People assumed we were siblings. We even looked alike.
Now...? If he talks to me it's to insult me or make fun of me. And it hurts! I don't think he knows how much it hurts.
Like spending ten minutes constantly going on about the fact that I'm Wiccan and 'magic stones and salt'.
Yeah, so? Do I make fun of the fact that you're Christian and believe in a cosmic zombie that wants you to figuratively eat his flesh and drink his blood?! (Thanks to Holls for that!)
Do I constantly poke fun at you and mock your style, music tastes, hobbies?
NO!
The bond I once had with him has faded away into nothing.
And I can't remember the last time I felt so sad.
Ellie doesn't help. She's sitting there, laughing along and making fun of me. But when me and Dad go to the Coldrum Stones, that's a different story!
She was quite happily throwing out private things and information that I'd told her in order for him to use as ammunition against me. And right now I honestly don't like her or trust her.
At all.
I don't claim to be perfect. I have my moments when I'm less kind than I should be. But sitting in between them for two hours has undone all the good work I've built up into making myself feel better over the last two weeks.
I feel like nothing again. Trash. Not worthy of their attention or their time.
Why should I come out of my room if ridicule is all that awaits me?
When not even my own sister has the decency to keep the things I tell her secret and my own flesh and blood makes me feel like an idiot every time I open my mouth.
Is that a reason to come out into the real world?
If my own family does that to me...what will strangers do?
I know I shouldn't care. I should be strong, right? My dress sense and public attitude speak of someone who doesn't care what others think of her.
But I do. Too much.
Right now I feel betrayed, angry, sad and completely alone in the world.
Aren't your family supposed to help you when you're down?