So Here's The Thing...
The trip to L.A. was all very exciting; I got to spend a few days with my family basking in the gorgeous weather, had a great lunch and catch-up with one of my best friends, and was introduced to my dad's adorable little rescue mutt who wiggles around and loves on every person that walks in the door.
But the fact is, I'm pretty sure I didn't get this job. Knowing that the hiring manager liked me enough to fly me 3,000 miles to talk to me in person was encouraging. I spent the entire flight out smiling and feeling good about the possibility of coming home. It was great thinking about being back on the west coast in the springtime. My dad drove me to the interview, and we talked about possible places for me to look for an apartment, discussing whether I’d live in Long Beach near the office or if I would commute. We discussed how easy the commute could be (since the train station is right around the corner from the office), and how I could spend the hour-plus travel time catching up on my reading. We talked about how ideal the area is, right by the water, with lots of little shops and restaurants, and places I could sit outside and eat my lunch. It made for a nice scenario, and I’ll admit I got caught up in the possibilities.
Yet I don’t like how I performed in the interview, and I had a very mixed feeling about it when I left. Although I didn’t convey this to my family, as I didn’t want to come across as being overly negative. At first I tried to talk myself out of it, convincing myself that I was being overly critical, but it didn’t work. In fact, for a while I was so certain that I didn’t get the job that I didn’t even think about it at all, and let myself just enjoy the time with my family. In the way that my confidence buoyed me after the second-round phone interview a few weeks ago, it also helped buoy my spirits this time, but in reverse. I was so confident that I didn’t get the job that I was actually okay. I let my parents and my sister talk about the possibility of me coming home sooner, and let them believe that I had done better than I had, and it was all fine, even though I didn’t believe it. Although in the days since I’ve been back, now that the glow of L.A. has worn off, I have allowed myself to want the job more, and thus the feelings of disappointment have seeped in (if this makes any sense).
In the phone interview I had a strong sense that I had done very well. That wasn’t the case this time. It isn’t as though I believe I "bombed", per se, and it isn’t that I didn’t like my answers to some of the questions (at least not entirely) but rather the way I answered them. It was as though my mind put up these road blocks and I stumbled around trying to figure out how to phrase what I wanted to say. It sounded disorganized and rambling. There were a couple of questions that I am sure I answered well, but there were more that I am not as sure about.
I know I could do this job, and I would be great at it, yet that didn’t come across in the interview. This is just my general feeling - I haven’t heard any news yet, and the longer I wait the less confident I am. The manager said that they would have a decision by early this week, and seeing it is already Thursday I’m not optimistic and I’m preparing myself for bad news. I was hoping to get a phone call, or even an e-mail, but I’m half-expecting to get one of those official "thanks, but no thanks" letters in the mail - which would explain the prolonged silence from the west coast.
Mom sent me an e-mail last night that basically said to "keep things in perspective, it's okay if you don't get the job this time because it's all part of a process, a learning experience. Important thing is we'll be together soon." It wasn't exactly the confidence-boosting message I would have liked to receive, and at first I was a bit annoyed by it, but at the same time I think it echoes my state of mind at the moment.
People have encouraged me to "think positive", and not to be so hard on myself. The one co-worker who knows about the interview (and even took the time to coach me a little bit) has been nagging me to stop being so negative. But the way I see it, this isn’t completely about me being negative; it’s about being realistic. I don't have the same confidence that I had before. I’m not going to lie, I’ve gone over my performance in my head several times rehashing what I said and how I could have said it better. This is a useless exercise, of course, as it is water under the bridge. But it is no good to try and suppress my feelings, so once the news comes in I will allow myself time to be disappointed, and then I will move on.
Because when all is said and done, I am still going back to Los Angeles this year. It may not be as soon as I’d have liked, but it is still happening. So I will refocus my energy on planning the move, and on the exciting prospect of rebuilding my life on the west coast. I can start saying my goodbyes to Boston, and plan for the future. I will be okay.