Damaged, But Healed By Your Love
I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes~ Don't always say, what's on my mind~ You know that I've been hurt, by some guy~ But I don't wanna mess up this time~
And I really really really care~ And I really really really want you~ And I think I'm kinda scared~ Cos I don't want to lose you~ If you really really really care~Then maybe you can hang through~I hope you understand~It's nothing to you~
My heart's at a low~I'm so much to manage~I think you should know that~I've been damaged~I'm falling in love~There's one disadvantage~I think you should know that I've been damaged~
I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find~Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine~I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through~Don't know what you got yourself into~
And I really really really care (and I care about you so much)And I really really really want you (I really do want you)~And I think I'm kinda scared (but I'm scared with every touch)~Cos I don't want to lose you (cos I don't want to lose you)~If you really really really care (if you care for me like you say)~Then maybe you can hang through (then maybe you can hang through)~I hope you understand (I hope you understand)~It's nothing to you (it's nothing to you, you)~ ( song:TLC Damaged)
Damaged, but Healed by Your Love
Clad in only white cotton drawstring pajama bottoms, Jaejoong quietly walked into
the pre-dawn darkened room, moving over to the bed where the sleeping form of his
lover laid. He stood and gazed down at the slumbering body.
Tilting his head to the right, he studied Yunho while deep in thought.
It had taken a long time to trust himself to love Yunho, him being hurt too much
in the past.
He had almost lost him because of his fear. Yunho had almost given up on him,
almost.
He had been scared, scared of what awaited them if he gave in, afraid of what
would happen.
His last partner had been cruel, demeaning to him, and abusive. He still felt
chills run cold over him as he remembered waking up one night to find himself tied
to the bed and three of his ex's friends at the foot of the bed standing, looking
him over. That's when the night of hell had begun. His ex's friends then commenced
to rape him and his trust for another man fled, any man, not just his ex.
He got his satisfaction by knowing that his ex-boyfriend and his three ex-friends
were behind bars for a very long time, but even knowing this, it didn't help his
state of mind at the time.
When he met Yunho, he held himself aloof, not wanting to be near the man. He
lived in constant fear of finding that he had fallen in love with the man. But,
work had deemed that this man was his new boss, and fate had deemed this was the man for him.
Little by little, Yunho had whittled down his fear, had removed the walls that he
had built around himself, around his heart for protection.
Yunho showed him that not everyone was a monster, not everyone was out to hurt
him.
Yunho introduced him to his friends, and his fears came back.
The fears of being shared unwillingly and just the fear of being hurt by the one he let
himself trust again.
Yunho and his friends proved to him that they were different then the men in his
past. They showed him that they would never touch him; they all had their own
past. They each had their own demons they were fighting, their own personal hell that they were, also, going through.
It made him feel more human to know that he wasn't the only one that had to deal
with the past. Had to deal with it creeping up on him at odd times.
Yunho's friends soon became his good friends, people he could go to and confide
in and have someone who would listen and give solid advice as to how to
overcome his dark moment.
And slowly, so slowly that Jae didn't notice, he had let his guard down, and had
let Yunho come in.
Jae sat on the edge of the bed, his body turned so he could see the sleeping man.
Yunho was lying on his belly, his head turned away from him, his arms resting up
by his head.
Jae smiled tenderly down at the man while leaning forward, putting his weight on
his right hand. With his left hand, he slowly drew his fingertips lightly down
the naked back, down to the dip of his waist, and on to the rise of his hips that
the white sheet barely covered, feeling firm, but smooth skin under the pads of
his fingers. He loved Yunho’s skin. It was so warm and tanned, unlike his own, pale and often cool to the touch skin.
Yet, Yunho loved his skin, always said that he had perfect complexion, and was
soft as silk against his hands.
Jae looked up as the first rays of light lit the room, chasing the shadows to the
far corners of the room, and the far reaches of his mind.
He watched as a ray of light lazily moved over Yunho's still body, starting at
his feet, then his thighs and finally coming to a rest on his shoulder blades,
making it easier to see the up and down movement of his back as he breathed
deeply in his sleep.
He could say quite confidently now that he trusted Yunho. Trusted him in every little
thing and way. That was not always the case...in the beginning.
~*~
His heart was hurt to the point were he didn't think he'd ever heal. Thankfully
he had met Yunho. Yunho had saved him. Saved him from himself, even though the
man had no idea what he was getting himself into.
He had been so paranoid, so untrusting of Yunho in the beginning that he had often
searched through his things to find any little thing that pointed out to him that he wasn't faithful.
His heart would beat in relief when each time he came up with nothing.
Then the phone would ring and it would be for Yunho, and his insecurities would
come back full blown.
But Yunho, the ever-understanding lover was patient with him, never scolding him
for his overreacting thoughts and his fear of Yunho leaving him.
At one time, he had run into Yunho at a little cafe with another man, and he was
so afraid to come up to him. He loved Yunho so much that he was scared that he
would loose him to his fear. He was afraid of what Yunho would say to him; tell
him that they were over and that he had never loved him.
Could never love someone who had been damaged so badly.
Yunho had glanced over and saw him frozen in place watching them converse, and
waved him over to him.
Jaejoong had walked on shaking legs to the table that Yunho and the other really
cute guy were sitting at.
His heart already breaking from the rejection he was setting himself up for.
Yunho had reached out and took his trembling hand in his, he was so sure that
this would be when Yunho would tell him of his secret love affair with this man.
"Jaejoong, I would like you to meet my good friend Junsu." Yunho had looked him
in the eye as he introduced them and Jae could only question him.
"Your friend?" Jae whispered, not really believing what was being said, his
throat clogging as he watched the other guy smile at him, his eyes bright as he
turned back to Yunho.
Yunho had detected the questioning tone in his voice, the doubt was there and he frowned, his hand coming to rest on his that had clenched into fist under the table, giving him a reassuring squeeze.
"Yes, my fri~..." Yunho was cut short when another man came up to the table and
kissed Junsu on the cheek as Junsu squealed out, "YOOCHUN!" and sat next to him,
holding his hand.
Jae watched this as his heart was being torn into pieces from the mistrust of his lover.
Tears filling his eyes, he looked over to Yunho and then down at his lap. Quickly
he came to his feet.
Voice strained and body shaking, he managed to mutter, "I'm sorry...I have to go
now."
With unsteady steps he walked away.
Tears wetting his cheeks as he made his way through the crowd to get away from his boyfriend that he had no trust in.
His boyfriend, who had given him no reason not to trust him, if anything, only offered him support and a shoulder and his understanding.
Jae came to a stop in the middle of the crowded sidewalk, his arms wrapped around
his middle as his shoulders shook from the sobs that racked his body.
He didn't notice the bodies of people rushing by him, couldn't feel the slight breeze as it blew over him.
All he felt was his shame overpowering him. He was at an all time low and he had showed Yunho just how much he doubted him, and even questioned his word, questioned his friendship to Junsu.
Suddenly from nowhere he felt warm arms sliding around him, holding him close to
a warmer chest.
Jae turned in Yunho's embrace, burying his face in is chest, "I'm sorry Yunho.
I'm sorry...I’m sorry...I’m sorry...I’m sorry..."
Jae couldn't show Yunho how sorry he really was, all he could do was tell him.
His arms tightening around Yunho as he felt his hands slowly rub his back.
He felt Yunho's breath at his ear, "My baby. My silly baby. It's ok. It's alright."
Jae shook his head, "I just love you so much. I'm so afraid that you'll leave me. I care for you, my heart is yours. My soul belongs to you and I'm afraid that you'll hurt me. I've been so damaged in the past, Yunho. I don't want to go through that again. Please, I don't want to go through that again."
Yunho's hold on him tightened, "I'm not him. I will not hurt you. Please don't fear me. You have no idea how much it hurts that you don't trust me. Jaejoong, I'm not him." Yunho's eyes implored him to understand, to believe him, to take him at his word.
Jae lifted his eyes to his lovers, remorse clouding their brown depths, "I know you're not him Yunho. I'll try. I'll try to trust you more. To not be so suspicious of you. I'm really sorry Yunho."
Jae felt the comfort seep into him as they held each other on the busy sidewalk, ignoring the strangers’ stares and whispered comments about them.
Just feeling Yunho was enough to know that he was really there holding him through his insecurities, through his fears and he felt love cover his torn heart once more.
Sometimes he felt like he was falling to pieces and Yunho was the only glue that could hold him together.
He felt Yunho take a deep breath then whisper in his ear, "Let's go home, huh."
~*~
A light cough brought him from the past to the present.
He glanced up and found Yunho's eyes on him searching his face, his body turning to lay on his back.
Jae smiled as he leaned forward and kissed those wonderful lips.
"Hey you." He whispered, letting his body settle on top of Yunho's, his fingers seeking Yunho's and twining around them.
Yunho grinned up at him, "Hey you back. What were you thinking of?"
Jae grinned, "Nothing really important." but his eyes told Yunho what his he had
been thinking.
Yunho gazed at him with knowing eyes, knowing that he was fibbing to him, "Well,"
Yunho suddenly turned and flipped them so Jae was on the bottom, "What would you
like to do today?" Yunho asked while bringing their connected hands above Jae's
head, holding them there loosely.
Jae blushed as he ran his foot along the back of his legs, "Why don't we just
stay like this?" Jae muttered, his eyes glazing as he looked into Yunho's hooded
gaze.
"Hmm, with you, forever? Sure!" Yunho whispered as he lowered his head kissing Jae's wet lips and then trailing down to his neck.
Jae's eyes drifted closed as he enjoyed Yunho's teeth and tongue on him. But then frowned when the love bites suddenly disappeared.
Opening his eyes he saw Yunho gazing at him, his eyes more serious than he has ever seen them.
"I love you."
Jae's heart skipped.
"I love you."
Jae's body tingled.
"I love you."
His breathing coming in hard gasps.
"I love you. Do you understand?"
Things would forever be different for them.
Jae bit his lip as he swallowed, "Yunho, I love you to. I love you so much. I
never want this to end. Can this be forever?"
Yunho smiled down at him gently.
"I love you, and this is forever."
The morning sun shone down on the two lovers as they showed each other how much
they loved each other. The bright rays of light the only witness to all the hard
times and overcoming all the issues that are seated in the past, right were they
belonged.