Drinking Late
10:30 p.m. Saturday. My son should be getting home from work shortly. The phone rings. He will not be home shortly ... he's got a flat tire ... on the highway ... during a thunder storm.
So now I am soaked, covered in car dirt and drinking a Manhattan [or two]
Steal it, and they will come.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
First name: Mother. Middle name: Paternal Grandfather. Last name: Ancestry traced back to the Merovingian Kings.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When Bambi’s parents were roasted in the forest fire and no one invited me.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No, it’s rude and sarcastic.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I don’t eat lunch. I did, however commemorate our savior’s resurrection by consuming the ass of a dead pig. [That’s religion for ya.]
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Baaaaaaa-aaah!
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
If I were another person, then I wouldn’t exist to be friends with. Therefore I’d be my own imaginary friend which is rather creepy.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Never. I hire people to be sarcastic for me.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. I gave them to Angelina Jolie to have made into a belt buckle.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No, but I’d bungee plummet.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Müselix, because umlauts are so tasty.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I leave my shoes tied and untie my feet.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Asparagus ripple. [Sugar free]
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
How many tentacles they have.
15. RED OR PINK?
Da, comrade.
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My hideous troll-like appearance.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Anyone I’m aiming at.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
I’d prefer if they left a few crumbs for the birds.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I am sitting here naked as the day I was [see question #46]. If you now have that mental picture, an emergency trip to your mental health professional might be in order.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Sorry, What? I wasn’t listening
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
If I were a crayon, I couldn’t answer that. Since I am not a crayon, it wouldn’t matter.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The black cloud of acrid smoke billowing out of the rear of a city bus on Broad Street.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
I don’t know. I’m still able to make phone calls.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Kill the fatted calf. You figure it out.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Tossup. It would be either water buffalo lacrosse or yak curling.
27. HAIR COLOR?
Tarnished Nickel.
28. EYE COLOR?
From where I am looking, they appear to be clear which makes them better to look through.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes, permanently attached to my temples so it’s easier to connect the electrodes.
30. FAVORITE FOODS?
Honey and Locusts … damn, there goes my cover.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I’ll take the happy ending, but can I wait until the movie is over?
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
“The Twelve Commandments”
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
If the light hits it just right, Pantone 730C.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
*See answer #43.
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs chafe, so I’ll stick with Depends®
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
A Zen Buddhist named Yin
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
A Zen Buddhist named Yang
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
“Why We Suck” by Dennis Leary
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My mouse? DUH!
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Depends on when you are reading this. Relativity is a bitch.
42. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
The soft thud of a whale being clubbed with a baby seal.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
If those are my only choices, I’d have to go with an ice pick to my left temple.
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
It can never be determined since I have never felt at home anywhere I have lived.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
No, I only have the ordinary kind.
46 WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Since some believe life to begin at conception, it would have to be three centimeters from my mother’s left fallopian tube. If you mean the moment I coughed up a lungful of amniotic fluid and was deprived of a safe, warm rest … hm, where was I last Thursday? Oh, you mean the FIRST time? Philadelphia.
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Voltaire and Sigmund Freud, but they haven’t spoken to me in months, so either the Prozac® is working, or I have offended them.
48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
The usual way.
If you play in your own sandbox, post the address in a reply.
So now I am soaked, covered in car dirt and drinking a Manhattan [or two]
Steal it, and they will come.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
First name: Mother. Middle name: Paternal Grandfather. Last name: Ancestry traced back to the Merovingian Kings.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When Bambi’s parents were roasted in the forest fire and no one invited me.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No, it’s rude and sarcastic.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I don’t eat lunch. I did, however commemorate our savior’s resurrection by consuming the ass of a dead pig. [That’s religion for ya.]
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Baaaaaaa-aaah!
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
If I were another person, then I wouldn’t exist to be friends with. Therefore I’d be my own imaginary friend which is rather creepy.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Never. I hire people to be sarcastic for me.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. I gave them to Angelina Jolie to have made into a belt buckle.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No, but I’d bungee plummet.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Müselix, because umlauts are so tasty.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I leave my shoes tied and untie my feet.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Asparagus ripple. [Sugar free]
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
How many tentacles they have.
15. RED OR PINK?
Da, comrade.
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My hideous troll-like appearance.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Anyone I’m aiming at.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
I’d prefer if they left a few crumbs for the birds.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I am sitting here naked as the day I was [see question #46]. If you now have that mental picture, an emergency trip to your mental health professional might be in order.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Sorry, What? I wasn’t listening
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
If I were a crayon, I couldn’t answer that. Since I am not a crayon, it wouldn’t matter.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The black cloud of acrid smoke billowing out of the rear of a city bus on Broad Street.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
I don’t know. I’m still able to make phone calls.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Kill the fatted calf. You figure it out.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Tossup. It would be either water buffalo lacrosse or yak curling.
27. HAIR COLOR?
Tarnished Nickel.
28. EYE COLOR?
From where I am looking, they appear to be clear which makes them better to look through.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes, permanently attached to my temples so it’s easier to connect the electrodes.
30. FAVORITE FOODS?
Honey and Locusts … damn, there goes my cover.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I’ll take the happy ending, but can I wait until the movie is over?
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
“The Twelve Commandments”
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
If the light hits it just right, Pantone 730C.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
*See answer #43.
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs chafe, so I’ll stick with Depends®
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
A Zen Buddhist named Yin
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
A Zen Buddhist named Yang
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
“Why We Suck” by Dennis Leary
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My mouse? DUH!
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Depends on when you are reading this. Relativity is a bitch.
42. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
The soft thud of a whale being clubbed with a baby seal.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
If those are my only choices, I’d have to go with an ice pick to my left temple.
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
It can never be determined since I have never felt at home anywhere I have lived.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
No, I only have the ordinary kind.
46 WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Since some believe life to begin at conception, it would have to be three centimeters from my mother’s left fallopian tube. If you mean the moment I coughed up a lungful of amniotic fluid and was deprived of a safe, warm rest … hm, where was I last Thursday? Oh, you mean the FIRST time? Philadelphia.
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Voltaire and Sigmund Freud, but they haven’t spoken to me in months, so either the Prozac® is working, or I have offended them.
48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
The usual way.
If you play in your own sandbox, post the address in a reply.