There is no moving on
Title: There is no moving on
Pairing: Steven Gerrard / Xabi Alonso
Disclaimer: I wish it was true.
Summary: The first kiss isn’t when he kisses you; it is when you kiss him. It is quiet and unexpected and awkward. It is obviously not in the field but still it is in Istanbul.
i.
It is at a stupid party Pepe is throwing after the world cup. You are happy, of course everyone is, but you are too tired to laugh along with everyone. Your chest hurts like shit and the only thing you want is to sleep, but no one lets you go back to your hotel room.
Fernando is sitting next to you, looking very happy and dunk when someone calls him. "Oh. It is Stevie" he beams. "Hi Stevie. I’m at the party. Pepe is dancing. I know. I know. I’m going outside. It is too loud here." Nando makes his way out of the room.
You sit still at your seat. Everyone who is close enough to here Nando’s conversation is looking at you. Sergio looks hurt. Iker looks concerned. Pepe look awkward.
"Are you alright?" Iker asks and you want to laugh for the first time this party has started.
"Sure. I am" you don’t dare saying why not? Because sure, they can come up with many why you shouldn’t be alright.
"It is stupid. This thing" Sergio mutters under his breath, looking at the door where Nando has just left.
You look at your feet and wonder helplessly when will your phone start to ring even though you know it will never ring, at least not with Steven Gerrard call.
‘I am going to my room. I’m tired’ you say.
This time no one stops you.
ii.
“Do you miss Liverpool, Mister Alonso?” the journalist asks you. You feel awkward. The question is almost like ‘Do you miss Steven Gerrard, Mister Alonso'' because god knows when you think of Liverpool, you think of Steven Gerrard. (As a matter of fact, everything about England reminds you of your former captain. Even the cold weather reminds you of him. You wonder if you really move on because you feel like you are going no where.)
“I miss it (him)” you say. “A lot”
“And what did you feel when you left Liverpool?” she asks again. You wonder if Stevie sends her to hurt you. You wonder if God wants to punish you for lying you have moved on, for lying ‘I am happy with Real Madrid’, for lying ‘I am a white’.
“It felt like…” a pause, a long one. It felt like I kill myself, you wanna say. It felt like I can’t breathe, you wanna say. It felt like I will never stop crying, you wanna say. It felt like I break my own heart here and there, you wanna say.
The silence makes everyone shifts awkwardly and nervously. The journalist has almost given up and continued the next question when you say. “It felt a lot like leaving the love of your life”
“Oh” she says.
iii.
The first kiss isn’t when he kisses you; it is when you kiss him. It is quiet and unexpected and awkward. It is obviously not in the field but still it is in Istanbul.
You two are talking everything and anything just to relax your nerves. It is too big, he says. I have never thought I would be here, you know Champion League, It is so big mate, he says. Stevie has done almost all the talking but you don’t mind because you like it when he talks. You don’t think his accent is funny like most people think. You think it is beautiful on its own, especially when the one who talks is Steven Gerrard.
“It is annoying really, Alex. She said I can’t go to Istanbul. The plane will give me a headache” he says and looks more frustrate than hurt. “And I was like what the bloody hell? It is the final champion league and your boyfriend is the captain of Liverpool and he is about to play the greatest game of his life! You know what she said? She said why don’t you marry me. Woman! Woman! I don’t understand woman. Is that even an accuse? Lame one, really”
You just smile. “Nagore doesn’t come either”
“Well, at least she is not making a lame accuse, is she?” he looks at you.
(You wonder then, what his eyes colours really are. Sometimes, they are blue like a sky. Sometimes, they are grey like a storm.)
“No” you smirk. Stevie throws his pillow at you. You and he laugh before lying on the bed. “Are you afraid?” you ask him abruptly.
Stevie looks at you and after a minute of looking in your eyes. He says “Are you?”
(Maybe, it is because of looking at him too much (in his eyes). Maybe, it is because you eventually decide that his eyes are both blue and grey. Its colour is like the sky after the storm. Not too blue or too grey. (It is beautiful) (They are beautiful) (He is beautiful))
“No. I’m not” and before you know, you have your lip on his.
The kiss, when it comes, isn’t like any kiss you have ever experienced. You keep your eyes open because you want to see him and you want to ask him about those Chelsea rumor. (It is just bullshit, isn’t it?, you wanna say. It is not true, isn’t it? Because you can’t just leave this club and break my heart, can you? If we are to win tomorrow, will it make you stay? If I’m to plead you to stay, will it make you stay?) but you don’t ask him though, you keep kissing him instead. It is almost a minute when he finally returns your kiss; finally let your tongue in. It is also a minute when he breaks the kiss apart.
Stevie is breathing hard, his chest is heaving, and his red is swallowed red. “I... you… we… we need to sleep. We have a match tomorrow.”
You do as he says. You don’t say anything when he closes the lamp. You don’t say anything when you hear his tossing and turning. You just close your eyes and wonder what the hell you have done.
(The next day when he kisses you, you don’t say anything either. You just kiss him back. Then you kiss again in the dark corridor at the party and again in your hotel room on your bed.)
iv.
You have twitter because you want to follow him or at least want him to know how you are. It is hopeless because Steven doesn’t have one but still you hope he will open your twitter and follow your life. You follow Liverpool because you hope to hear his news. You follow Coldplay because he likes it and it feels like you are following him. Stevie likes Coldplay (more than the Beatle, he tells you, but don’t tell anyone I like Coldplay more than the Beatle, he says.) so you like Coldplay.
“Xabi. You tweet so often. You are addicted.” Kaka jokes.
“I just want fan to know about my life more” you mean I want Steven to know about my life more, to know I’m still red even I’m wearing white, to know that even though I have moved out of the city, my heart is still there, to know Hey Steven, I still love you.
“That is sweet”
“Yeah, I think it is” you smile despite yourself, hoping helplessly Stevie thinks the same.
v.
Stevie doesn’t come to say goodbye. He doesn’t show up at the airport. You don’t expect him to, really, because it has felt like forever since he last talks to you.
‘It is great you are going back to where you belong’ is the last thing he actually says. You smile bitterly to the thought. Well, you deserve the cold distant but it still hurts a bit or maybe a lot.
“Xabi. You have to come to visit, you know!” Carra yells.
“He is standing next to you man. No need to yell” Pepe claps Carra’s back.
“Whatever. I don’t know why I’m yelling, really!” he yells again.
You and everyone laugh.
“You are acting like a kid” Nando says jokingly.
“At least I’m here, am I not? At least I’m not sleeping at the beach somewhere in France, try to be tanned.”
The air seems to get thicker. It is suddenly hard to breath. Pepe looks like he is about to say ‘you stupid Carra’ and Nando is ready to burst out like ‘Great job Carra. Now you ruin what we have avoided not to say’
“What?” Carra asks, look puzzle.
“Oh! It is nothing Carra. Go back and sleep now” Pepe says mockingly.
“Why? I’m not sleepy. Thank you. Why the heck Stevie is in France anyway. He says he hates France but now he is in France when Xabi is moving and why the fuck did you kick me Nando!?”
“Just shut up Carra” Nando says, looking like he is about to cry.
You decide you’d better off to the gate so you say goodbye but then Carra grabs your wrist. “You want me to tell something to Stevie? Mocking or whatever. I will take the note for you”
“Carra!” Nando and Pepe yell at the same time.
You look at Carra and decide that he doesn’t know about you and Stevie after all so you just sigh.
“Tell him. I wish I could go back to the Istanbul time.”
vi.
You are lying on your bed, wondering why it hurts so much thinking of Steven called Fernando. They are close, you think. They are friend, you think. You try to pretend it doesn’t matters. Steven doesn’t matters at all when the truth is he does matters, a lot. You wonder if the reason your chest hurts so bad is because the bruise or your heart is bleeding. You wonder if heart can bleed. You wonder if it can really bleed, do you still have enough blood to bleed after all this time.
You close your eyes. When you open your eyes, Nando is standing and grinning at you. The boy looks so happy you can’t bring yourself to hate him.
“They say you are tired”
“Well, I am” you say.
“I have talked to Stevie” he beams and grins wider.
You want to ask so what? I don’t care at all. But you just say “Ok” you close your eyes again, try to end the conversation.
“Hey Xabi” Nando says after a long silence. “Stevie says Hi”
You open you eyes abruptly. Your throat are dry and you feel like it isn’t you voice when you say. “What?”
“He says Hiiiiiiiiiiii and he is still on the phone” he says and waves the mobile phone in front of your face. “You wanna talk? He is waiting.” And without waiting for you answer, he forces the phone in your hand and runs out of the room.
You have a very difficult time finding your voice when you finally say. “Hey.”
The only sound you could hear is his breath. He breathes slowly and you breathes painfully. "I'm sorry Stevie" you say. I'm sorry I still love you, you wanna say. I'm sorry we end up like this, you wanna say. I'm sorry.
"Why did you sorry?" Stevie finally answers. There is a sigh. There is a pause. Then there is Stevie's voice. "This is stupid. I don't even know why I talk to you."
It hurts suddenly, that you are not forgiven at all. It hurts suddenly, that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
"This is stupid" He says. You are ready to hang up or at least put the phone a way or find the right word to say goodbye when he says. "It is stupid because I miss you. You should miss me back. I don't know why I'm the one who starts talking first when you are the one who left and you should fucking call but you didn't"
a pause. Your heart is pounding. Fuck. Steven Gerrard says he misses me. "Stevie"
"Shut up. I want to say. You tweet like you are talking to me sometimes and I hate it. I hate thinking you are thinking of me because if you really think of me you never show it. You are always selfish man because you left me broken in Liverpool and you don't even give a shit to come back and fix it"
"No. It isn't like that"
"Anyway. Fuck you Alonso. I wish I knew how to quit you. So fuck you"
there are a pause and a sigh and a heavy breathing and a smile. "I wish I knew how to quit you too Gerrard"
END
Pairing: Steven Gerrard / Xabi Alonso
Disclaimer: I wish it was true.
Summary: The first kiss isn’t when he kisses you; it is when you kiss him. It is quiet and unexpected and awkward. It is obviously not in the field but still it is in Istanbul.
i.
It is at a stupid party Pepe is throwing after the world cup. You are happy, of course everyone is, but you are too tired to laugh along with everyone. Your chest hurts like shit and the only thing you want is to sleep, but no one lets you go back to your hotel room.
Fernando is sitting next to you, looking very happy and dunk when someone calls him. "Oh. It is Stevie" he beams. "Hi Stevie. I’m at the party. Pepe is dancing. I know. I know. I’m going outside. It is too loud here." Nando makes his way out of the room.
You sit still at your seat. Everyone who is close enough to here Nando’s conversation is looking at you. Sergio looks hurt. Iker looks concerned. Pepe look awkward.
"Are you alright?" Iker asks and you want to laugh for the first time this party has started.
"Sure. I am" you don’t dare saying why not? Because sure, they can come up with many why you shouldn’t be alright.
"It is stupid. This thing" Sergio mutters under his breath, looking at the door where Nando has just left.
You look at your feet and wonder helplessly when will your phone start to ring even though you know it will never ring, at least not with Steven Gerrard call.
‘I am going to my room. I’m tired’ you say.
This time no one stops you.
ii.
“Do you miss Liverpool, Mister Alonso?” the journalist asks you. You feel awkward. The question is almost like ‘Do you miss Steven Gerrard, Mister Alonso'' because god knows when you think of Liverpool, you think of Steven Gerrard. (As a matter of fact, everything about England reminds you of your former captain. Even the cold weather reminds you of him. You wonder if you really move on because you feel like you are going no where.)
“I miss it (him)” you say. “A lot”
“And what did you feel when you left Liverpool?” she asks again. You wonder if Stevie sends her to hurt you. You wonder if God wants to punish you for lying you have moved on, for lying ‘I am happy with Real Madrid’, for lying ‘I am a white’.
“It felt like…” a pause, a long one. It felt like I kill myself, you wanna say. It felt like I can’t breathe, you wanna say. It felt like I will never stop crying, you wanna say. It felt like I break my own heart here and there, you wanna say.
The silence makes everyone shifts awkwardly and nervously. The journalist has almost given up and continued the next question when you say. “It felt a lot like leaving the love of your life”
“Oh” she says.
iii.
The first kiss isn’t when he kisses you; it is when you kiss him. It is quiet and unexpected and awkward. It is obviously not in the field but still it is in Istanbul.
You two are talking everything and anything just to relax your nerves. It is too big, he says. I have never thought I would be here, you know Champion League, It is so big mate, he says. Stevie has done almost all the talking but you don’t mind because you like it when he talks. You don’t think his accent is funny like most people think. You think it is beautiful on its own, especially when the one who talks is Steven Gerrard.
“It is annoying really, Alex. She said I can’t go to Istanbul. The plane will give me a headache” he says and looks more frustrate than hurt. “And I was like what the bloody hell? It is the final champion league and your boyfriend is the captain of Liverpool and he is about to play the greatest game of his life! You know what she said? She said why don’t you marry me. Woman! Woman! I don’t understand woman. Is that even an accuse? Lame one, really”
You just smile. “Nagore doesn’t come either”
“Well, at least she is not making a lame accuse, is she?” he looks at you.
(You wonder then, what his eyes colours really are. Sometimes, they are blue like a sky. Sometimes, they are grey like a storm.)
“No” you smirk. Stevie throws his pillow at you. You and he laugh before lying on the bed. “Are you afraid?” you ask him abruptly.
Stevie looks at you and after a minute of looking in your eyes. He says “Are you?”
(Maybe, it is because of looking at him too much (in his eyes). Maybe, it is because you eventually decide that his eyes are both blue and grey. Its colour is like the sky after the storm. Not too blue or too grey. (It is beautiful) (They are beautiful) (He is beautiful))
“No. I’m not” and before you know, you have your lip on his.
The kiss, when it comes, isn’t like any kiss you have ever experienced. You keep your eyes open because you want to see him and you want to ask him about those Chelsea rumor. (It is just bullshit, isn’t it?, you wanna say. It is not true, isn’t it? Because you can’t just leave this club and break my heart, can you? If we are to win tomorrow, will it make you stay? If I’m to plead you to stay, will it make you stay?) but you don’t ask him though, you keep kissing him instead. It is almost a minute when he finally returns your kiss; finally let your tongue in. It is also a minute when he breaks the kiss apart.
Stevie is breathing hard, his chest is heaving, and his red is swallowed red. “I... you… we… we need to sleep. We have a match tomorrow.”
You do as he says. You don’t say anything when he closes the lamp. You don’t say anything when you hear his tossing and turning. You just close your eyes and wonder what the hell you have done.
(The next day when he kisses you, you don’t say anything either. You just kiss him back. Then you kiss again in the dark corridor at the party and again in your hotel room on your bed.)
iv.
You have twitter because you want to follow him or at least want him to know how you are. It is hopeless because Steven doesn’t have one but still you hope he will open your twitter and follow your life. You follow Liverpool because you hope to hear his news. You follow Coldplay because he likes it and it feels like you are following him. Stevie likes Coldplay (more than the Beatle, he tells you, but don’t tell anyone I like Coldplay more than the Beatle, he says.) so you like Coldplay.
“Xabi. You tweet so often. You are addicted.” Kaka jokes.
“I just want fan to know about my life more” you mean I want Steven to know about my life more, to know I’m still red even I’m wearing white, to know that even though I have moved out of the city, my heart is still there, to know Hey Steven, I still love you.
“That is sweet”
“Yeah, I think it is” you smile despite yourself, hoping helplessly Stevie thinks the same.
v.
Stevie doesn’t come to say goodbye. He doesn’t show up at the airport. You don’t expect him to, really, because it has felt like forever since he last talks to you.
‘It is great you are going back to where you belong’ is the last thing he actually says. You smile bitterly to the thought. Well, you deserve the cold distant but it still hurts a bit or maybe a lot.
“Xabi. You have to come to visit, you know!” Carra yells.
“He is standing next to you man. No need to yell” Pepe claps Carra’s back.
“Whatever. I don’t know why I’m yelling, really!” he yells again.
You and everyone laugh.
“You are acting like a kid” Nando says jokingly.
“At least I’m here, am I not? At least I’m not sleeping at the beach somewhere in France, try to be tanned.”
The air seems to get thicker. It is suddenly hard to breath. Pepe looks like he is about to say ‘you stupid Carra’ and Nando is ready to burst out like ‘Great job Carra. Now you ruin what we have avoided not to say’
“What?” Carra asks, look puzzle.
“Oh! It is nothing Carra. Go back and sleep now” Pepe says mockingly.
“Why? I’m not sleepy. Thank you. Why the heck Stevie is in France anyway. He says he hates France but now he is in France when Xabi is moving and why the fuck did you kick me Nando!?”
“Just shut up Carra” Nando says, looking like he is about to cry.
You decide you’d better off to the gate so you say goodbye but then Carra grabs your wrist. “You want me to tell something to Stevie? Mocking or whatever. I will take the note for you”
“Carra!” Nando and Pepe yell at the same time.
You look at Carra and decide that he doesn’t know about you and Stevie after all so you just sigh.
“Tell him. I wish I could go back to the Istanbul time.”
vi.
You are lying on your bed, wondering why it hurts so much thinking of Steven called Fernando. They are close, you think. They are friend, you think. You try to pretend it doesn’t matters. Steven doesn’t matters at all when the truth is he does matters, a lot. You wonder if the reason your chest hurts so bad is because the bruise or your heart is bleeding. You wonder if heart can bleed. You wonder if it can really bleed, do you still have enough blood to bleed after all this time.
You close your eyes. When you open your eyes, Nando is standing and grinning at you. The boy looks so happy you can’t bring yourself to hate him.
“They say you are tired”
“Well, I am” you say.
“I have talked to Stevie” he beams and grins wider.
You want to ask so what? I don’t care at all. But you just say “Ok” you close your eyes again, try to end the conversation.
“Hey Xabi” Nando says after a long silence. “Stevie says Hi”
You open you eyes abruptly. Your throat are dry and you feel like it isn’t you voice when you say. “What?”
“He says Hiiiiiiiiiiii and he is still on the phone” he says and waves the mobile phone in front of your face. “You wanna talk? He is waiting.” And without waiting for you answer, he forces the phone in your hand and runs out of the room.
You have a very difficult time finding your voice when you finally say. “Hey.”
The only sound you could hear is his breath. He breathes slowly and you breathes painfully. "I'm sorry Stevie" you say. I'm sorry I still love you, you wanna say. I'm sorry we end up like this, you wanna say. I'm sorry.
"Why did you sorry?" Stevie finally answers. There is a sigh. There is a pause. Then there is Stevie's voice. "This is stupid. I don't even know why I talk to you."
It hurts suddenly, that you are not forgiven at all. It hurts suddenly, that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
"This is stupid" He says. You are ready to hang up or at least put the phone a way or find the right word to say goodbye when he says. "It is stupid because I miss you. You should miss me back. I don't know why I'm the one who starts talking first when you are the one who left and you should fucking call but you didn't"
a pause. Your heart is pounding. Fuck. Steven Gerrard says he misses me. "Stevie"
"Shut up. I want to say. You tweet like you are talking to me sometimes and I hate it. I hate thinking you are thinking of me because if you really think of me you never show it. You are always selfish man because you left me broken in Liverpool and you don't even give a shit to come back and fix it"
"No. It isn't like that"
"Anyway. Fuck you Alonso. I wish I knew how to quit you. So fuck you"
there are a pause and a sigh and a heavy breathing and a smile. "I wish I knew how to quit you too Gerrard"
END