Icy Blue
Taichi, losing himself in Yamato's eyes.
Digimon - PG - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4786 - Updated: 07-02-01 - Published: 07-02-01
Disclaimer: Digimon isn't mine.
Author’s Notes: The very second Digimon story I ever wrote!! It’s so cute! And guess what? No lemon! *gasps* Shocking, isn’t it? butterflie writing something not rated NC-17?! Yes, sadly folks, this was before I became a lil hentai lemon addict. So all the hentai out there, if you’re looking for a lemon, you aint gonna find it here. This is strictly shounen-ai, cute lil boys love, nothing else. Well, ‘cept maybe a kiss. But that’s it! Mwahaha!
Icy Blue
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
Part 1
It was like he could do no wrong. An angel sent from heaven itself. Only he wasn't my angel. He wasn't anyone's angel.
Yamato "Matt" Ishida. How many past times just this week have I found myself wondering, hoping against hope that there was some slim chance he might return my feelings?
I know it's useless, yet I can't stop believing his emotions might be beyond those of friendship. After all, he's had plenty of chances to be with Mimi. But he always turns her down. I only wish I had the courage to confess my own feelings.
I'm staring at him again. For the eighth time this day. I can't help it. He always looks so sexy when he's thinking. Besides, I'm not the only one who thinks so. A lot of girls are attracted to him. Just not guys.
Yet why should that matter? Wasn't it once said that love can overcome any obstacle, no matter what?
All of a sudden I hear a voice call my name. I look up into icy blue eyes. It's him. The golden-haired boy of my dreams. Matt, rockstar and excellent cook to boot.
"Tai, aren't you coming? Class is over now. We're gonna be late if we don't hurry. Remember, we promised to meet Kari and T.K. after school for a quick meeting."
"Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, I'm coming," I told him, blushing slightly before grabbing my books and standing. "Let's go."
He was gorgeous, perfect in every way. It's sometimes hard to believe that I used to hate him. Hell, I couldn't stand him! I thought he and hs little brother were brats!
But now I loved him. Everything about him was just right, from his sexy looks to his charming personality. I didn't want him any other way.
Yet it's futile. Even if he is my friend, why would he care about me at all? Sometimes I suspect that he only puts up with me because I was the leader of the Elder Digidestined and he had to tolerate me. I know it's a ridiculous thought, but sometimes I can't shake it. What if it were true?
Then I spotted my sister. "Kari! Over here!" I yelled. She turned and then began heading towards me.
"Hey Tai, Matt," she said, smiling at us.
I smiled back.
"Where's T.K.?" Matt asked.
"Yeah, where's your *boyfriend*?" I chimed in, teasing her.
Kari's face grew red. "Tai!" she scolded, but didn't deny it. "Anyways, he should be here in a few moments. Oh! There he is now!" she said as she noticed him walking towards our trio.
I smiled at him as he approached. I knew he had feelings for my sister. Although why he didn't tell her, I have no idea. I know she certainly liked him back. And they would definitely make a good couple.
And I also knew two other people that would make a good couple. Me and Matt. Yeah right. Like that would ever happen. I may be a loser, but I'm not stupid.
"So what's this meeting about?" I asked as we arrived at Daisuke's house. But before anyone could answer, Jun opened the door.
"Matt!" she squealed delightedly. Matt fidgted uncomfortably. The rest of us just rolled our eyes.
Luckily I would never have to worry about Matt and Jun becoming a couple. He found her just as annoying as the rest of us did.
"Hi Jun. Is Daisuke here?" Matt asked her, since she seemed oblivious to the rest of us.
Daisuke appeared behind Jun. "Hi, guys. Come on, let's go up to my room. Jun, go away."
She pouted a bit, and then, amazingly, left.
Daisuke led the way up to his room. Miyako and Iori were already there. But I don't know how they could stand it. God, it was a mess! Clothes and other various items were scattered all across the floor, bed, dressers, basically wherever he left them. Papers and books were strewn across his desk. Every available inch of space on his walls were covered with posters of soccer players, pictures of his family and friends, and certificates and ribbons his soccer team had received. The trophies he had won lined barely visible shelves on the walls. It was a truly disgusting sight.
"Daisuke, how can you live like this?" Matt asked him in awe. "It's a disaster in here!"
Daisuke just shrugged.
I posed the question I had asked earlier. "What's this meeting about?"
"Ken," Miyako replied. "He's disappeared off the face of the Earth, and no one knows where he could be."
"Disappeared?" Matt asked, disbelief in his voice.
"Yeah. His parents are frantic. They have no idea where he is."
"That's strange. You don't think he could be in the DigiWorld, do you?" I asked them. "After all, he *is* the Digimon Emperor."
I glanced over at Matt. He nodded at me. "Tai's right. It's quite likely he's hiding out in the DigiWorld."
"We thought so at first, but now we're not s sure. No control spires are popping up, and the few times we've been there, no one has attacked us." Iori pointed out.
"Maybe he's just biding his time, waiting for the right moment to attack us." Kari suggested.
"Maybe," T.K. said doubtfully.
"Maybe," Daisuke started, "Maybe he finally realized how evil he was and turned nice, and now he's hiding out in the DigiWorld, ashamed of what he's done!"
Everyone looked at him like he'd gone nuts.
"Yeah right Daisuke, like that would really happen." Miyako said.
Suddenly Matt glanced at his watch and jumped up.
"I'm late for band practice!" he cried. "Sorry guys, but I gotta go!" He raced out of here.
"And I should be going too. It's getting late and I could only stay for a few minutes. Besides, this is a problem I can't really help with. I don't know much about Ken. Bye guys," I told them, waving a little before I left.
"Bye Tai! Thanks!" Iori called after me.
I'm watching him yet again. He's so beautiful. He's busy barking orders at the other members of his band, The Teenage Wolves. I love it when he takes charge. His demanding meanor is so cute. I wish he would take charge of me. In more ways than one, that is...
But it would never happen. He didn't belong to me. He didn't belong to anyone. He was free, and sometimes I sensed he rather liked it that way. His cute laugh, gorgeous smile, sexy body, it was all free. But God, how I wanted it! Sometimes the yearning to be with him was so great it became unbearable. Those were the times I gave up hope of ever being with him. And lately, it was happening more frequently. If something didn't happen soon, I'd give up hope forever.
Then suddenly Matt looked over at me and smiled. Such a small, trivial thing, yet it made me feel warm and full of life. It gave me hope. I smiled back at him. "Later Matt," I mouthed. "See you at school tomorrow."
He nodded, then continued his practice.
I left and headed towards home. Kari let me in.
"Hey Tai, where you been?" she greeted me.
"I stopped by to watch Matt practice for awhile. Well, I've got homework to do so you'll have to excuse me, Kari."
"Allright. Later, big brother."
I gave her a quick hug then retreated to my bedroom.
I wish I could hug Matt. He's probably just right for a quick hug, perhaps one after school, or before going home for the night. Something like that. Oh well. Wishful thinking doesn't get homework done.
I opened my books to the right page and was about to begin my homework when the phone rang. I paused, debating whether to ignore it or answer it. I waited for it to ring again. When it didn't, I assumed Kari had answered it. I shrugged and turned my attention back to my books. However, I was interrupted again by a knock at the door.
"Tai?" my sister's voice called. "Phone for you."
I picked up my cordless and told Kari I had it. I waited for the extension to hang up, then answered.
"Hello?"
"Tai?" Daisuke's voice asked.
"Yeah, this is Tai. Do you need something, Daisuke?"
"Yeah. I know it's kinda late, but can I talk to you?"
"Sure. Talk away." Normally I would have said no, but since the younger Digidestined didn't talk to us Elders all that much, I assumed it had to have some importance.
"Not over the phone. Could you meet me at the park in fifteen minutes?'
"Sure. See you there." We hung up.
"Now what was all that about?" I asked out loud. Sighing, I grabbed my jacket and went to find Kari. I found her doing homework in her room.
"Hey, who was on the phone?" she asked when she noticed me standing there.
"Daisuke. He wants to talk to me about something. What, I don't know. He didn't say. Anyways, I have to go. I'm supposed to meet him in the park in a few minutes. So, see you later, ok?"
She gave me a strange look. "Daisuke? Hm, strange. Well, ok. I'll wait up for you no matter how late you stay out. Bye, Tai." She gave a little wave and then turned back to her homework.
I glanced at my watch and then left, heading towards the park.
Daisuke was there waiting under a tree when I arrived. He didn't have Chibimon with him, which meant he must want to talk about something serious.
"Hey Tai," he called as I approached.
"Hey Daisuke. What'd you wanna talk about?"
He didn't respond at first, but then he suddenly asked, "Tai, have you ever been in love with someone but didn't quite know how to tell them?"
Was this about Kari? If so, he was out of luck because she liked T.K. I decided not to tell him that, though.
"Yeah, I have."
"What'd you do?"
"I don't know, I'm still loving them," I replied truthfully.
Although I wish I could tell him. Even if Matt rejected me, at least he'd know. And it would mean that I had accepted the truth.
"Oh."
"Daisuke, if this is about Kari, she doesn't-" I began softly, but he interrupted.
"No, it's not. I mean, she's cute, and I like her, but my heart belongs to someone else. Besides, I already know she likes T.K."
His heart belongs to someone else?
"Daisuke, I know it's none of my business, so you don't have to tell me, but . . . who do you love?"
He looked at me sadly. "If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone about this."
I smiled at him. He was so young for one of his age to be in love. "You have my word, Daisuke. I promise I won't tell anyone."
"It's . . . . . . " Suddenly he broke into tears. "I can't believe this!" he sobbed. "I'm so ashamed! Tai, is there something wrong with me? Why do I like him?"
Him? "Who Daisuke?"
"Ken!" he wailed. "I like Ken! What's wrong with me Tai? Not only do I like a guy, but I like the Digimon Emperor!" he shouted, covering his head with his hands and crying.
I was apalled. Daisuke and Ken?
I squatted down beside him and put my hands on his shoulder. "Daisuke, don't be ashamed of loving someone. It's the mistake I made, and that's why I'm unable to confess my feelings to the one I love."
He looked up. "You're ashamed of loving someone? But why?"
"For some of the same reasons as you, the major one being that he's a guy."
"Even so, why should that make a difference for you?"
"It doesn't, not much anyways. But I'm afraid he'll reject me. And I don't think I can live with that."
"It's not the end of the world," he pointed out. "I mean, for me, I like a guy whose only emotions are basically cruelty and hate. Also, he hates me simply because I'm a Digidestined. It'd be impossible to tell him. And if the others found out, they might think of me as a traitor. Yet you probably don't have that problem."
"No, but we've been best friends for a long time now, and I'm afraid if I tell him, I'll lose his friendship."
"But why would he not want to be your friend just because you like him as well?"
"I don't know."
"Well, who is it?"
"Matt," I whisphered. "I love Matt." And then I, too, began to cry.
I loved Matt, loved him so much that it sometimes drove me to the brink of insanity. Every waking moment of my life was spent thinking about him. Yet, I was too afraid to tell him. Instead, I was poring my heart out to Daisuke.
"Matt? Why are you ashamed of loving him?"
"I don't know, I just am. I want to tell him, but I can't. I guess my fear of rejection is too great."
"But what if he has feelings for you too? If you don't tell him, and he doesn't tell you because of the same reasons, then you'd never know and you'd miss your chance at true love."
"That may be true, but what if he doesn't care for me that way? Then what?"
"Then you accept it and move on. It's as simple as that."
"It's just that I'm afraid. The same as you are." I looked across at him and smiled. "Who knew love could be so complicated? They never told us that in school."
Daisuke laughed. "Yeah really." He stood. "Well, thanks for talking to me Tai. Anyways, I gotta get home before my parents get mad. Later Tai."
"Bye. Oh and Daisuke?"
He turned. "Yeah?"
"Thanks for talking to me as well. I feel a lot better about Matt."
He smiled at me. "You're welcome. I feel somewhat better about Ken. And don't forget, it never hurts to tell someone you love them." He began walking away.
"You should try following your own advice, Motomiya!" I yelled after him. But he was right. It never hurt to try.
Part 2
"Mister Yagami. What do I have to do with you? Every day you come to class you don't pay atttention, you don't work, you don't learn. I've had to correct you every day and frankly I'm tired of it. What do you propse I should do?"
"I'm sorry sir; it won't happen again," I muttered.
"No, that's not gonna work this time."
"Yeah YAGAMI, that's not gonna work this time," Matt whisphered to me, grinning.
I was out of my seat in a flash. "You better just stay out of this Ishida!" I yelled at him, my blood boiling. Sometimes he could make me so mad! And yet, at other times, he made my passion flare. Yamato . . ..
He looked surprised and a little hurt, but jumped out of his seat as well. "You can't make me! I'll say whatever the hell I want!"
With one swift movement I reached over and snatched his shirt collar and lifted him up in the air a little. Not much, he was already taller than me.
His cold icy blue eyes stared down impassively into mine, unnerving me slightly.
All the while our teacher had been staring at us in shock, but now he sprang into action.
"Mister Yagami, Mister Ishida, you two just won yourselves a trip to the principal's office!"
"But, but, but!" Matt spluttered as I lowered him. Then he turned to me, a venomous glare in his eyes. "You! This is all your fault!"
"Me? It's your fault! You're the one who-"
"Enough!" Our teacher bellowed. "To the principal! Now! Both of you!"
"Yes sir," we muttered dejectedly, heading towards the principal's office.
What should I say to him? I hate having him mad at me. It's not a good feeling. I didn't mean to get him in trouble. After all, he was just joking around. He must hate me. Even if I apologized, he'd never forgive me. Should I try to say something to him? Yes, it's better than not saying anything at all.
"Matt?" I began. He looked over and glared at me, his blue eyes nothing but narrow slits.
"This is all your fault, Taichi."
I felt a few tears well up in my eyes own eyes. Great, now I was starting to cry. "I'm sorry, Matt," I told him, my voice catching.
He looked at me in suprise.
"I didn't mean to get you in trouble. I knew you were only joking. It's just . . . "
His face softened. He looked so cute like that.
"It's just what?" he asked me.
"It's just you made me so mad, especially because the reason I got in trouble was I was thinking of you."
I slapped my hand over my mouth. Oops. Had I said that last part out loud?
From the way he was staring at me, I think I did.
"You were thinking about me?" he asked softly.
I nodded. At least he wasn't mad.
"Why?"
It was now or never. I had to tell him, otherwise id never have the courage to tell him again.
"Because I . . . " I faltered for a moment, terrified of rejection.
He didn't prod me to go on, but I knew he wanted me to. I remembered Daisuke's words: it never hurts to tell someone you love them.
I took a deep breath and spoke. "Because I love you." I whisphered.
He stopped in his tracks and stared at me in shock, not speaking, not moving. Heck, he was barely even breathing.
Finally the silence became too unnerving. "Matt?" I asked tentatively.
He didn't respond, didn't do anything.
Okay, so he hates me now. He probably thinks I'm some kind of freak. This is exactly what I feared. Why did I have to open my mouth and tell him? Now I most likely lost his friendship as well.
I sank to my knees and began to cry. After a few moments I hear Matt kneel next to me and then I feel his arms around mine. I lowered my head in his shoulders and cried. This was the worst day of my life.
"Tai," I heard Matt say gently.
I looked up, losing myself in expressive blue.
"Thanks for telling me."
Wait, he sounds glad about my confession. So he doesn't hate me. But why? Could he possibly have feelings for me as well? Yet it's best not to get my hopes up as well.
Matt helped me to my feet. "C'mon, we better be getting to the principal's office before we get in any more trouble."
~mr. ishida's p.o.v.~
"I'm home Matt!" I called as I walked into our apartment.
I got no answer. That's strange. Usually he calls out hi.
I walk into our kitchen, expecting to find my son standing over the stove, cooking dinner.
"Yamato?" I call, slightly worried as I approach his bedroom. Maybe he's in there doing homework or something.
But when I opened the door to his room I could immediately tell it was empty.
I finally found him in the living room, sitting on the couch and staring into space.
I could tell by the demeanor of his body that something was weighing heavily on his mind.
I didn't even attempt to find out what was wrong. I knew he would tell me when he was ready.
Wearily I went and sat down next to him, not saying anything. Just waiting.
He glanced over at me but didn't say a word. I sat patiently. We sat in silence for several minutes.
At last he spoke. "Dad?"
"Yes Yamato?"
"Have you ever been attracted to other women besides Mom?"
I tense up slightly.
He stares at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.
"Every once in awhile," I tell him. "But not often."
Absently I wonder where this conversation is leading.
"Have you ever been attracted to guys?"
Guys?
I have to wonder just what it is he's getting at.
I take a deep breath, then let it out slowly. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this.
"Occasionally I'll check one out," I find myself telling him, "but I've never really been attracted to one before."
He doesn't respond, but I notice a faint blush begin to creep up his cheeks.
Was he trying to tell me he's gay?
I decided to risk it and ask him.
"Yamato," I say, "are you trying to let me know you prefer guys over girls?"
I hope I'm not offending him. But he doesn't get mad.
"Sorta," he admits to me.
"What do you mean, sorta?"
"Well, today at school, I got in this fight with Taichi . ." he began, then stopped.
"Go on," I tell him.
Yamato and Taichi?
"We got sent to the principal's offce, and on the way there Taichi told me he loved me," he paused, perhaps recalling the memory of earlier that day.
Yamato and Taichi?
"Well do you love him as well?" I ask him, searching his face for an answer.
"Yes," he replies automatically. "Well, I mean, I'm not entirely sure. Sometimes when I'm around him he just makes me so mad, but at other times I find myself thinking about him in ways I've never thought before."
So he was confused then.
"Sometimes I get scared," he confesses. "Scared that there's something wrong with me, that I'm some kinda freak. And then today, when he told me his feelings, I just froze, Dad."
Yamato . . . I had no idea he had been feeling this. Why hadn't he told me sooner?
"I could only stand there, and I think he took it as rejection, because he started to cry. I made him cry, and it hurts me so much to know I made him hurt like that!" he shouted angrily, losing control and beginning to cry.
"Calm down, Yamato," I warned, placing a hand on his shoulder.
He turned towards me and caught me off guard in a tight hug. “I’m so scared!” he wailed. “I don’t know what I’m feeling!”
I run my hand through his fine blonde hair, soothing him. I hadn’t seen him this broken since I divorced his mother and moved out. “It’s allright, Yamato. Just calm down,” I commanded, not harshly.
He continued to sob, but he was visibly trying to calm down, if only for my sake.
Finally his sobs subsided, and he was able to speak clearly. Yet he still kept his death grip on me.
“Dad?” he asked my shirt.
“Yeah?” I reply. I sense he’s slightly embarrassed at losing his composure in front of me.
“Do you think Tai hates me now?”
How was I supposed to know a thing like that?
“I don’t know. Why would he hate you? Did you give him a reason to?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I just froze when he told me.”
“Mind telling me exactly what took place between you two?” I’d probably be able to help him if I understood what happened. And besides, I hate feeling helpless.
I could feel Matt nod into my shirt. Then he let go of me finally and looked at me, his ice blue eyes searching my impassive face for feelings hidden within. What exactly, I don’t know. After awhile, he seemed satisfied and began.
“Well, at first we just kinda walked on in silence after our teacher told us to go to the principal, and then Tai said ‘Matt?’ and I told him it was his fault we were in trouble. Which hurt his feelings, I think, because he apologized and said he hadn’t meant to get me in trouble.”
Yamato paused and closed his eyes, reflecting.
“Then what?” I asked.
I really should learn to control my curiosity sometimes.
He glanced at me with mild surprise, then continued. “Then Taichi confessed the reason he got in trouble for not paying attention in class lately was because he was thinking about me.”
Man, this was serious. Tai must have it bad.
“Which was something I don’t think he meant to say aloud, but I asked him about it anyway, and that’s when he admitted he loved me. Then when I didn’t react to it at all except to freeze, he just kinda sank to his knees and began to cry.”
I watched my son’s eyes closely as he said that, and in them I could see pain, pain at hurting Taichi, which was a sure sign Yamato returned Tai’s feelings, even if either of them didn’t know it yet.
“So what did you do when he cried?”
“At first, nothing. But I then I knelt and put my arms around him to comfort him and told him I was glad he told me.”
Damn, they both had it bad.
“Yamato, if you told him that, I seriously doubt he hates you. And judging from the way you’re reacting to this whole situation, I think you want to be more than just friends with Tai. Am I right?”
“To a degree, yes,” he answered. “One part of me yearns to be with Taichi, but this other part holds back, saying it’s wrong, two guys can’t love each other, and besides, you’ll only be rejected. Even though I know he loves me, I still fear rejection.”
I put my arms around his shoulders. “Yamato, you need to get past the fact that it’s not okay. There is nothing wrong with being gay.” I told him. He didn’t look completely convinced.
“There’s something I’m still confused about though, Dad.”
I sighed inwardly. I feel so helpless. My son is in love with another boy, and I don’t know what to do about it. The best I can do is talk to him.
“How?” I ask him softly. “How are you confused?”
“I don’t -Am I just interested in Tai sexually or do I really have feelings for him?”
“Yamato, please know you are too young for sex, whether it’s with a guy or a girl.”
“I know that,” he told me, blushing. “But what I’m saying is am I just attracted to his physical appearance or do I really love him?”
“That’s something you have to figure out for yourself, Yamato. I can’t help you with that. Just follow your heart, and you’ll be fine.” I smiled at him. “I trust you’ll do the right thing.”
Suddenly I find myself pulled into a tight hug. “Thanks, Dad,” Yamato murmurs.
~
I sit and stare at Taichi during class, bored with the lectures our teacher is giving. Tai always acts nervous and ashamed around me now. I wonder what he’s thinking about.
I remember the conversation I had with Dad a few days ago and how confused I was then. I’m not confused now, but I’m still afraid to talk to Taichi.
~
Why doesn’t he talk to me? I never know what to say around him anymore. I don’t even know what he feels. Maybe I should confront him about it. Then he couldn’t avoid it anymore. He’d have to face it.
I turn slightly in my seat to stare at him, only to find him staring back at me. He looks away, blushing, when I catch his eye. Yamato. Does this mean you have feelings for me too? Why won’t you talk to me?
~
“Matt! Wait up!” I call to him. Class is over, and he’s leaving without even waiting for me.
He pauses beside the door, not looking back at me, but still waiting.
Hurriedly I grab my books and go over to him.
I wait for him to began walking but he doesn’t. instead he stares through me, thinking.
“Um, Matt?” I began, but he interrupts me.
“Taichi, I need to talk to you. Let’s go to my place, okay?”
I nod numbly, knowing what this is about. I spent three days hoping he’d say something, but now that he’s actually going to, I’m terrified.
I don’t say a word the whole way there, and neither does he.
When we get there, he offers me a drink, and I decline. I’m too nervous to put anything into my stomach.
“So,” I began, my voice cracking.
He laughed nervously, and so did I. We both knew what this was about.
I tried again. “So what’d you wanna say?”
He took a deep breath. I can tell how nervous he is about this. “Tai . . . . .” he paused for a moment, then spoke again, choosing his words carefully. “Tai, the other day . . . When you told me y-you loved me, I was so shocked by your words that I froze. I think you took it as rejection. That’s not true. I was just so scared by those words, I couldn’t move. I never would have imagined in a million years that you would care for me in that way. And what made it so surprising is that . . . . . I love you, too,” he trailed off, whisphering the last four words.
I opened my mouth to speak, but he stopped me.
“When you told me, I was so confused then. I knew subconsciously that I loved you, but on the surface, I wasn’t so sure. So I talked to my dad about it, and he helped me realize my feelings. I’m only sorry for not telling you sooner. Can you forgive me Taichi?”
I almost cried in happiness. Yamato loves me! He doesn’t hate me at all! I can’t believe this. I never would have guessed he felt something for me, too. Yamato, you goof. Of course I can forgive you.
I leaned over and captured his lips in a gentle kiss. “I’ll forgive you, Yamato,” I murmured in his ears. “I’ll always forgive you.” I smiled at him and looked him in the eye, only to lose myself in compassionate icy blue orbs.
© 2001 butterflie February 5, 2001 Monday 1:08 pm
butterflie
Author’s Notes: So what’d you think? Kawaii with JUST the right amount of sap, right? I hope so, cause that’s what I think! =^.^= I just love this story, and I hope everyone else does too!! ^^ Please read and review! Thank you! And thanks to everyone else out there that reviews my other stories posted, including those under my other alias!
Digimon - PG - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4786 - Updated: 07-02-01 - Published: 07-02-01
Disclaimer: Digimon isn't mine.
Author’s Notes: The very second Digimon story I ever wrote!! It’s so cute! And guess what? No lemon! *gasps* Shocking, isn’t it? butterflie writing something not rated NC-17?! Yes, sadly folks, this was before I became a lil hentai lemon addict. So all the hentai out there, if you’re looking for a lemon, you aint gonna find it here. This is strictly shounen-ai, cute lil boys love, nothing else. Well, ‘cept maybe a kiss. But that’s it! Mwahaha!
Icy Blue
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
Part 1
It was like he could do no wrong. An angel sent from heaven itself. Only he wasn't my angel. He wasn't anyone's angel.
Yamato "Matt" Ishida. How many past times just this week have I found myself wondering, hoping against hope that there was some slim chance he might return my feelings?
I know it's useless, yet I can't stop believing his emotions might be beyond those of friendship. After all, he's had plenty of chances to be with Mimi. But he always turns her down. I only wish I had the courage to confess my own feelings.
I'm staring at him again. For the eighth time this day. I can't help it. He always looks so sexy when he's thinking. Besides, I'm not the only one who thinks so. A lot of girls are attracted to him. Just not guys.
Yet why should that matter? Wasn't it once said that love can overcome any obstacle, no matter what?
All of a sudden I hear a voice call my name. I look up into icy blue eyes. It's him. The golden-haired boy of my dreams. Matt, rockstar and excellent cook to boot.
"Tai, aren't you coming? Class is over now. We're gonna be late if we don't hurry. Remember, we promised to meet Kari and T.K. after school for a quick meeting."
"Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, I'm coming," I told him, blushing slightly before grabbing my books and standing. "Let's go."
He was gorgeous, perfect in every way. It's sometimes hard to believe that I used to hate him. Hell, I couldn't stand him! I thought he and hs little brother were brats!
But now I loved him. Everything about him was just right, from his sexy looks to his charming personality. I didn't want him any other way.
Yet it's futile. Even if he is my friend, why would he care about me at all? Sometimes I suspect that he only puts up with me because I was the leader of the Elder Digidestined and he had to tolerate me. I know it's a ridiculous thought, but sometimes I can't shake it. What if it were true?
Then I spotted my sister. "Kari! Over here!" I yelled. She turned and then began heading towards me.
"Hey Tai, Matt," she said, smiling at us.
I smiled back.
"Where's T.K.?" Matt asked.
"Yeah, where's your *boyfriend*?" I chimed in, teasing her.
Kari's face grew red. "Tai!" she scolded, but didn't deny it. "Anyways, he should be here in a few moments. Oh! There he is now!" she said as she noticed him walking towards our trio.
I smiled at him as he approached. I knew he had feelings for my sister. Although why he didn't tell her, I have no idea. I know she certainly liked him back. And they would definitely make a good couple.
And I also knew two other people that would make a good couple. Me and Matt. Yeah right. Like that would ever happen. I may be a loser, but I'm not stupid.
"So what's this meeting about?" I asked as we arrived at Daisuke's house. But before anyone could answer, Jun opened the door.
"Matt!" she squealed delightedly. Matt fidgted uncomfortably. The rest of us just rolled our eyes.
Luckily I would never have to worry about Matt and Jun becoming a couple. He found her just as annoying as the rest of us did.
"Hi Jun. Is Daisuke here?" Matt asked her, since she seemed oblivious to the rest of us.
Daisuke appeared behind Jun. "Hi, guys. Come on, let's go up to my room. Jun, go away."
She pouted a bit, and then, amazingly, left.
Daisuke led the way up to his room. Miyako and Iori were already there. But I don't know how they could stand it. God, it was a mess! Clothes and other various items were scattered all across the floor, bed, dressers, basically wherever he left them. Papers and books were strewn across his desk. Every available inch of space on his walls were covered with posters of soccer players, pictures of his family and friends, and certificates and ribbons his soccer team had received. The trophies he had won lined barely visible shelves on the walls. It was a truly disgusting sight.
"Daisuke, how can you live like this?" Matt asked him in awe. "It's a disaster in here!"
Daisuke just shrugged.
I posed the question I had asked earlier. "What's this meeting about?"
"Ken," Miyako replied. "He's disappeared off the face of the Earth, and no one knows where he could be."
"Disappeared?" Matt asked, disbelief in his voice.
"Yeah. His parents are frantic. They have no idea where he is."
"That's strange. You don't think he could be in the DigiWorld, do you?" I asked them. "After all, he *is* the Digimon Emperor."
I glanced over at Matt. He nodded at me. "Tai's right. It's quite likely he's hiding out in the DigiWorld."
"We thought so at first, but now we're not s sure. No control spires are popping up, and the few times we've been there, no one has attacked us." Iori pointed out.
"Maybe he's just biding his time, waiting for the right moment to attack us." Kari suggested.
"Maybe," T.K. said doubtfully.
"Maybe," Daisuke started, "Maybe he finally realized how evil he was and turned nice, and now he's hiding out in the DigiWorld, ashamed of what he's done!"
Everyone looked at him like he'd gone nuts.
"Yeah right Daisuke, like that would really happen." Miyako said.
Suddenly Matt glanced at his watch and jumped up.
"I'm late for band practice!" he cried. "Sorry guys, but I gotta go!" He raced out of here.
"And I should be going too. It's getting late and I could only stay for a few minutes. Besides, this is a problem I can't really help with. I don't know much about Ken. Bye guys," I told them, waving a little before I left.
"Bye Tai! Thanks!" Iori called after me.
I'm watching him yet again. He's so beautiful. He's busy barking orders at the other members of his band, The Teenage Wolves. I love it when he takes charge. His demanding meanor is so cute. I wish he would take charge of me. In more ways than one, that is...
But it would never happen. He didn't belong to me. He didn't belong to anyone. He was free, and sometimes I sensed he rather liked it that way. His cute laugh, gorgeous smile, sexy body, it was all free. But God, how I wanted it! Sometimes the yearning to be with him was so great it became unbearable. Those were the times I gave up hope of ever being with him. And lately, it was happening more frequently. If something didn't happen soon, I'd give up hope forever.
Then suddenly Matt looked over at me and smiled. Such a small, trivial thing, yet it made me feel warm and full of life. It gave me hope. I smiled back at him. "Later Matt," I mouthed. "See you at school tomorrow."
He nodded, then continued his practice.
I left and headed towards home. Kari let me in.
"Hey Tai, where you been?" she greeted me.
"I stopped by to watch Matt practice for awhile. Well, I've got homework to do so you'll have to excuse me, Kari."
"Allright. Later, big brother."
I gave her a quick hug then retreated to my bedroom.
I wish I could hug Matt. He's probably just right for a quick hug, perhaps one after school, or before going home for the night. Something like that. Oh well. Wishful thinking doesn't get homework done.
I opened my books to the right page and was about to begin my homework when the phone rang. I paused, debating whether to ignore it or answer it. I waited for it to ring again. When it didn't, I assumed Kari had answered it. I shrugged and turned my attention back to my books. However, I was interrupted again by a knock at the door.
"Tai?" my sister's voice called. "Phone for you."
I picked up my cordless and told Kari I had it. I waited for the extension to hang up, then answered.
"Hello?"
"Tai?" Daisuke's voice asked.
"Yeah, this is Tai. Do you need something, Daisuke?"
"Yeah. I know it's kinda late, but can I talk to you?"
"Sure. Talk away." Normally I would have said no, but since the younger Digidestined didn't talk to us Elders all that much, I assumed it had to have some importance.
"Not over the phone. Could you meet me at the park in fifteen minutes?'
"Sure. See you there." We hung up.
"Now what was all that about?" I asked out loud. Sighing, I grabbed my jacket and went to find Kari. I found her doing homework in her room.
"Hey, who was on the phone?" she asked when she noticed me standing there.
"Daisuke. He wants to talk to me about something. What, I don't know. He didn't say. Anyways, I have to go. I'm supposed to meet him in the park in a few minutes. So, see you later, ok?"
She gave me a strange look. "Daisuke? Hm, strange. Well, ok. I'll wait up for you no matter how late you stay out. Bye, Tai." She gave a little wave and then turned back to her homework.
I glanced at my watch and then left, heading towards the park.
Daisuke was there waiting under a tree when I arrived. He didn't have Chibimon with him, which meant he must want to talk about something serious.
"Hey Tai," he called as I approached.
"Hey Daisuke. What'd you wanna talk about?"
He didn't respond at first, but then he suddenly asked, "Tai, have you ever been in love with someone but didn't quite know how to tell them?"
Was this about Kari? If so, he was out of luck because she liked T.K. I decided not to tell him that, though.
"Yeah, I have."
"What'd you do?"
"I don't know, I'm still loving them," I replied truthfully.
Although I wish I could tell him. Even if Matt rejected me, at least he'd know. And it would mean that I had accepted the truth.
"Oh."
"Daisuke, if this is about Kari, she doesn't-" I began softly, but he interrupted.
"No, it's not. I mean, she's cute, and I like her, but my heart belongs to someone else. Besides, I already know she likes T.K."
His heart belongs to someone else?
"Daisuke, I know it's none of my business, so you don't have to tell me, but . . . who do you love?"
He looked at me sadly. "If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone about this."
I smiled at him. He was so young for one of his age to be in love. "You have my word, Daisuke. I promise I won't tell anyone."
"It's . . . . . . " Suddenly he broke into tears. "I can't believe this!" he sobbed. "I'm so ashamed! Tai, is there something wrong with me? Why do I like him?"
Him? "Who Daisuke?"
"Ken!" he wailed. "I like Ken! What's wrong with me Tai? Not only do I like a guy, but I like the Digimon Emperor!" he shouted, covering his head with his hands and crying.
I was apalled. Daisuke and Ken?
I squatted down beside him and put my hands on his shoulder. "Daisuke, don't be ashamed of loving someone. It's the mistake I made, and that's why I'm unable to confess my feelings to the one I love."
He looked up. "You're ashamed of loving someone? But why?"
"For some of the same reasons as you, the major one being that he's a guy."
"Even so, why should that make a difference for you?"
"It doesn't, not much anyways. But I'm afraid he'll reject me. And I don't think I can live with that."
"It's not the end of the world," he pointed out. "I mean, for me, I like a guy whose only emotions are basically cruelty and hate. Also, he hates me simply because I'm a Digidestined. It'd be impossible to tell him. And if the others found out, they might think of me as a traitor. Yet you probably don't have that problem."
"No, but we've been best friends for a long time now, and I'm afraid if I tell him, I'll lose his friendship."
"But why would he not want to be your friend just because you like him as well?"
"I don't know."
"Well, who is it?"
"Matt," I whisphered. "I love Matt." And then I, too, began to cry.
I loved Matt, loved him so much that it sometimes drove me to the brink of insanity. Every waking moment of my life was spent thinking about him. Yet, I was too afraid to tell him. Instead, I was poring my heart out to Daisuke.
"Matt? Why are you ashamed of loving him?"
"I don't know, I just am. I want to tell him, but I can't. I guess my fear of rejection is too great."
"But what if he has feelings for you too? If you don't tell him, and he doesn't tell you because of the same reasons, then you'd never know and you'd miss your chance at true love."
"That may be true, but what if he doesn't care for me that way? Then what?"
"Then you accept it and move on. It's as simple as that."
"It's just that I'm afraid. The same as you are." I looked across at him and smiled. "Who knew love could be so complicated? They never told us that in school."
Daisuke laughed. "Yeah really." He stood. "Well, thanks for talking to me Tai. Anyways, I gotta get home before my parents get mad. Later Tai."
"Bye. Oh and Daisuke?"
He turned. "Yeah?"
"Thanks for talking to me as well. I feel a lot better about Matt."
He smiled at me. "You're welcome. I feel somewhat better about Ken. And don't forget, it never hurts to tell someone you love them." He began walking away.
"You should try following your own advice, Motomiya!" I yelled after him. But he was right. It never hurt to try.
Part 2
"Mister Yagami. What do I have to do with you? Every day you come to class you don't pay atttention, you don't work, you don't learn. I've had to correct you every day and frankly I'm tired of it. What do you propse I should do?"
"I'm sorry sir; it won't happen again," I muttered.
"No, that's not gonna work this time."
"Yeah YAGAMI, that's not gonna work this time," Matt whisphered to me, grinning.
I was out of my seat in a flash. "You better just stay out of this Ishida!" I yelled at him, my blood boiling. Sometimes he could make me so mad! And yet, at other times, he made my passion flare. Yamato . . ..
He looked surprised and a little hurt, but jumped out of his seat as well. "You can't make me! I'll say whatever the hell I want!"
With one swift movement I reached over and snatched his shirt collar and lifted him up in the air a little. Not much, he was already taller than me.
His cold icy blue eyes stared down impassively into mine, unnerving me slightly.
All the while our teacher had been staring at us in shock, but now he sprang into action.
"Mister Yagami, Mister Ishida, you two just won yourselves a trip to the principal's office!"
"But, but, but!" Matt spluttered as I lowered him. Then he turned to me, a venomous glare in his eyes. "You! This is all your fault!"
"Me? It's your fault! You're the one who-"
"Enough!" Our teacher bellowed. "To the principal! Now! Both of you!"
"Yes sir," we muttered dejectedly, heading towards the principal's office.
What should I say to him? I hate having him mad at me. It's not a good feeling. I didn't mean to get him in trouble. After all, he was just joking around. He must hate me. Even if I apologized, he'd never forgive me. Should I try to say something to him? Yes, it's better than not saying anything at all.
"Matt?" I began. He looked over and glared at me, his blue eyes nothing but narrow slits.
"This is all your fault, Taichi."
I felt a few tears well up in my eyes own eyes. Great, now I was starting to cry. "I'm sorry, Matt," I told him, my voice catching.
He looked at me in suprise.
"I didn't mean to get you in trouble. I knew you were only joking. It's just . . . "
His face softened. He looked so cute like that.
"It's just what?" he asked me.
"It's just you made me so mad, especially because the reason I got in trouble was I was thinking of you."
I slapped my hand over my mouth. Oops. Had I said that last part out loud?
From the way he was staring at me, I think I did.
"You were thinking about me?" he asked softly.
I nodded. At least he wasn't mad.
"Why?"
It was now or never. I had to tell him, otherwise id never have the courage to tell him again.
"Because I . . . " I faltered for a moment, terrified of rejection.
He didn't prod me to go on, but I knew he wanted me to. I remembered Daisuke's words: it never hurts to tell someone you love them.
I took a deep breath and spoke. "Because I love you." I whisphered.
He stopped in his tracks and stared at me in shock, not speaking, not moving. Heck, he was barely even breathing.
Finally the silence became too unnerving. "Matt?" I asked tentatively.
He didn't respond, didn't do anything.
Okay, so he hates me now. He probably thinks I'm some kind of freak. This is exactly what I feared. Why did I have to open my mouth and tell him? Now I most likely lost his friendship as well.
I sank to my knees and began to cry. After a few moments I hear Matt kneel next to me and then I feel his arms around mine. I lowered my head in his shoulders and cried. This was the worst day of my life.
"Tai," I heard Matt say gently.
I looked up, losing myself in expressive blue.
"Thanks for telling me."
Wait, he sounds glad about my confession. So he doesn't hate me. But why? Could he possibly have feelings for me as well? Yet it's best not to get my hopes up as well.
Matt helped me to my feet. "C'mon, we better be getting to the principal's office before we get in any more trouble."
~mr. ishida's p.o.v.~
"I'm home Matt!" I called as I walked into our apartment.
I got no answer. That's strange. Usually he calls out hi.
I walk into our kitchen, expecting to find my son standing over the stove, cooking dinner.
"Yamato?" I call, slightly worried as I approach his bedroom. Maybe he's in there doing homework or something.
But when I opened the door to his room I could immediately tell it was empty.
I finally found him in the living room, sitting on the couch and staring into space.
I could tell by the demeanor of his body that something was weighing heavily on his mind.
I didn't even attempt to find out what was wrong. I knew he would tell me when he was ready.
Wearily I went and sat down next to him, not saying anything. Just waiting.
He glanced over at me but didn't say a word. I sat patiently. We sat in silence for several minutes.
At last he spoke. "Dad?"
"Yes Yamato?"
"Have you ever been attracted to other women besides Mom?"
I tense up slightly.
He stares at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.
"Every once in awhile," I tell him. "But not often."
Absently I wonder where this conversation is leading.
"Have you ever been attracted to guys?"
Guys?
I have to wonder just what it is he's getting at.
I take a deep breath, then let it out slowly. I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this.
"Occasionally I'll check one out," I find myself telling him, "but I've never really been attracted to one before."
He doesn't respond, but I notice a faint blush begin to creep up his cheeks.
Was he trying to tell me he's gay?
I decided to risk it and ask him.
"Yamato," I say, "are you trying to let me know you prefer guys over girls?"
I hope I'm not offending him. But he doesn't get mad.
"Sorta," he admits to me.
"What do you mean, sorta?"
"Well, today at school, I got in this fight with Taichi . ." he began, then stopped.
"Go on," I tell him.
Yamato and Taichi?
"We got sent to the principal's offce, and on the way there Taichi told me he loved me," he paused, perhaps recalling the memory of earlier that day.
Yamato and Taichi?
"Well do you love him as well?" I ask him, searching his face for an answer.
"Yes," he replies automatically. "Well, I mean, I'm not entirely sure. Sometimes when I'm around him he just makes me so mad, but at other times I find myself thinking about him in ways I've never thought before."
So he was confused then.
"Sometimes I get scared," he confesses. "Scared that there's something wrong with me, that I'm some kinda freak. And then today, when he told me his feelings, I just froze, Dad."
Yamato . . . I had no idea he had been feeling this. Why hadn't he told me sooner?
"I could only stand there, and I think he took it as rejection, because he started to cry. I made him cry, and it hurts me so much to know I made him hurt like that!" he shouted angrily, losing control and beginning to cry.
"Calm down, Yamato," I warned, placing a hand on his shoulder.
He turned towards me and caught me off guard in a tight hug. “I’m so scared!” he wailed. “I don’t know what I’m feeling!”
I run my hand through his fine blonde hair, soothing him. I hadn’t seen him this broken since I divorced his mother and moved out. “It’s allright, Yamato. Just calm down,” I commanded, not harshly.
He continued to sob, but he was visibly trying to calm down, if only for my sake.
Finally his sobs subsided, and he was able to speak clearly. Yet he still kept his death grip on me.
“Dad?” he asked my shirt.
“Yeah?” I reply. I sense he’s slightly embarrassed at losing his composure in front of me.
“Do you think Tai hates me now?”
How was I supposed to know a thing like that?
“I don’t know. Why would he hate you? Did you give him a reason to?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I just froze when he told me.”
“Mind telling me exactly what took place between you two?” I’d probably be able to help him if I understood what happened. And besides, I hate feeling helpless.
I could feel Matt nod into my shirt. Then he let go of me finally and looked at me, his ice blue eyes searching my impassive face for feelings hidden within. What exactly, I don’t know. After awhile, he seemed satisfied and began.
“Well, at first we just kinda walked on in silence after our teacher told us to go to the principal, and then Tai said ‘Matt?’ and I told him it was his fault we were in trouble. Which hurt his feelings, I think, because he apologized and said he hadn’t meant to get me in trouble.”
Yamato paused and closed his eyes, reflecting.
“Then what?” I asked.
I really should learn to control my curiosity sometimes.
He glanced at me with mild surprise, then continued. “Then Taichi confessed the reason he got in trouble for not paying attention in class lately was because he was thinking about me.”
Man, this was serious. Tai must have it bad.
“Which was something I don’t think he meant to say aloud, but I asked him about it anyway, and that’s when he admitted he loved me. Then when I didn’t react to it at all except to freeze, he just kinda sank to his knees and began to cry.”
I watched my son’s eyes closely as he said that, and in them I could see pain, pain at hurting Taichi, which was a sure sign Yamato returned Tai’s feelings, even if either of them didn’t know it yet.
“So what did you do when he cried?”
“At first, nothing. But I then I knelt and put my arms around him to comfort him and told him I was glad he told me.”
Damn, they both had it bad.
“Yamato, if you told him that, I seriously doubt he hates you. And judging from the way you’re reacting to this whole situation, I think you want to be more than just friends with Tai. Am I right?”
“To a degree, yes,” he answered. “One part of me yearns to be with Taichi, but this other part holds back, saying it’s wrong, two guys can’t love each other, and besides, you’ll only be rejected. Even though I know he loves me, I still fear rejection.”
I put my arms around his shoulders. “Yamato, you need to get past the fact that it’s not okay. There is nothing wrong with being gay.” I told him. He didn’t look completely convinced.
“There’s something I’m still confused about though, Dad.”
I sighed inwardly. I feel so helpless. My son is in love with another boy, and I don’t know what to do about it. The best I can do is talk to him.
“How?” I ask him softly. “How are you confused?”
“I don’t -Am I just interested in Tai sexually or do I really have feelings for him?”
“Yamato, please know you are too young for sex, whether it’s with a guy or a girl.”
“I know that,” he told me, blushing. “But what I’m saying is am I just attracted to his physical appearance or do I really love him?”
“That’s something you have to figure out for yourself, Yamato. I can’t help you with that. Just follow your heart, and you’ll be fine.” I smiled at him. “I trust you’ll do the right thing.”
Suddenly I find myself pulled into a tight hug. “Thanks, Dad,” Yamato murmurs.
~
I sit and stare at Taichi during class, bored with the lectures our teacher is giving. Tai always acts nervous and ashamed around me now. I wonder what he’s thinking about.
I remember the conversation I had with Dad a few days ago and how confused I was then. I’m not confused now, but I’m still afraid to talk to Taichi.
~
Why doesn’t he talk to me? I never know what to say around him anymore. I don’t even know what he feels. Maybe I should confront him about it. Then he couldn’t avoid it anymore. He’d have to face it.
I turn slightly in my seat to stare at him, only to find him staring back at me. He looks away, blushing, when I catch his eye. Yamato. Does this mean you have feelings for me too? Why won’t you talk to me?
~
“Matt! Wait up!” I call to him. Class is over, and he’s leaving without even waiting for me.
He pauses beside the door, not looking back at me, but still waiting.
Hurriedly I grab my books and go over to him.
I wait for him to began walking but he doesn’t. instead he stares through me, thinking.
“Um, Matt?” I began, but he interrupts me.
“Taichi, I need to talk to you. Let’s go to my place, okay?”
I nod numbly, knowing what this is about. I spent three days hoping he’d say something, but now that he’s actually going to, I’m terrified.
I don’t say a word the whole way there, and neither does he.
When we get there, he offers me a drink, and I decline. I’m too nervous to put anything into my stomach.
“So,” I began, my voice cracking.
He laughed nervously, and so did I. We both knew what this was about.
I tried again. “So what’d you wanna say?”
He took a deep breath. I can tell how nervous he is about this. “Tai . . . . .” he paused for a moment, then spoke again, choosing his words carefully. “Tai, the other day . . . When you told me y-you loved me, I was so shocked by your words that I froze. I think you took it as rejection. That’s not true. I was just so scared by those words, I couldn’t move. I never would have imagined in a million years that you would care for me in that way. And what made it so surprising is that . . . . . I love you, too,” he trailed off, whisphering the last four words.
I opened my mouth to speak, but he stopped me.
“When you told me, I was so confused then. I knew subconsciously that I loved you, but on the surface, I wasn’t so sure. So I talked to my dad about it, and he helped me realize my feelings. I’m only sorry for not telling you sooner. Can you forgive me Taichi?”
I almost cried in happiness. Yamato loves me! He doesn’t hate me at all! I can’t believe this. I never would have guessed he felt something for me, too. Yamato, you goof. Of course I can forgive you.
I leaned over and captured his lips in a gentle kiss. “I’ll forgive you, Yamato,” I murmured in his ears. “I’ll always forgive you.” I smiled at him and looked him in the eye, only to lose myself in compassionate icy blue orbs.
© 2001 butterflie February 5, 2001 Monday 1:08 pm
butterflie
Author’s Notes: So what’d you think? Kawaii with JUST the right amount of sap, right? I hope so, cause that’s what I think! =^.^= I just love this story, and I hope everyone else does too!! ^^ Please read and review! Thank you! And thanks to everyone else out there that reviews my other stories posted, including those under my other alias!