Second Chance, Chapter 2
Because everyone deserves a second chance to make things right. Auron/Tidus, pre-game, spoilers.
[Final Fantasy X] M+, romance/angst, 5604 (9881) words, published 03-07-05
previous chapter Second Chance
butterflie
[chapter two ~ love.]
Strained silence.
At one time, that would have been uncommon in the household of Tidus and Auron, but now it was just another part of their life, something they'd grown to accept, as much as neither of them liked it. But nor did they ever try to repair a relationship that somehow seemed broken beyond repair.
"Sorry," Tidus said, speaking just as Auron said the same thing. Tidus shook his head and sighed, not bothering to say anything else. It was all so damn awkward. He wasn't sure just whose fault that was. He only knew it had been like this since that stupid conversation Auron tried to have two years previously.
Two years. It had been two years since that one small incident had impacted so largely on their lives, but not once in all that time had his feelings lessened. He lusted after Auron just as much as he had when he was fourteen, maybe even more so now that he was older and ruled even more by his hormones.
Take now, for example. Even with something as simple as reaching for the same thing at the same time and brushing his hand against Auron's in the process caused a tightening in his stomach and groin that he was all too familiar with these days. Feelings that failed to be provoked by anyone else. He'd had a relationship a time or two since realizing his lust for Auron, and not once had he come anywhere close to feeling what he felt about Auron. The man consumed his thoughts constantly, both waking and sleeping. It had filled the air around them with a sexually charged tension that hadn't dissipated once in the past two years.
And he was almost a hundred percent certain Auron knew about it. He'd as good as admitted it. Don't, he'd said. The word had been full of more meaning than could easily be expressed in words. He hadn't bothered to try. Instead, he'd done what he always did when faced with something he wanted to avoid-he ran.
He'd stayed out all night, and when he'd returned the next morning-the first time he'd ever broken a promise to his guardian-Auron was gone.
He could still remember the feeling of choked terror that descended upon him as he'd searched throughout the houseboat and the surrounding outside area, trying in vain to find a man who didn't want to be found. At last he'd given up, collapsing in bed, burying his head in his pillow to muffle his sobs though no one was around to hear them. He'd been convinced Auron was gone for good.
He'd chosen to spend that whole first week crying in bed, blowing off school and blitzball and whatnot, not daring to leave the houseboat for fear that Auron might come back and he wouldn't be there. As it happened, he finally had to venture out for food, and when he came back in, Auron was there. Just standing there, looking around him as if the houseboat was a foreign place he'd never seen before.
Tidus hadn't said anything-instead; he'd started crying. Auron had only looked at him, and even behind those damned glasses he could see the pain reflected in Auron's one eye. It had been too much. He'd turned and fled to his room. Nothing had been the same since then-but at least Auron had stayed. He seemed to sense Tidus' needing him, even if they weren't quite on good speaking terms.
He scowled absently down at his food as he ate, Auron sitting silently across the table from him. "Not quite good, my ass," he muttered, not even caring that Auron heard him and raised a quizzical eyebrow at him. No speaking terms was more like it. And hell, why was he even bothering to dredge all this up in his mind anyways? It wasn't going to change anything.
Angrily, he shoved his half-eaten dinner away from him, and then slammed his chair back as he stood, stomping out of the houseboat down to the docks to work his frustration out on an innocent blitzball.
It wasn't fair. He wanted Auron so damn much. But if he had been unattainable two years ago, he was even more so now. The way things were between them, he'd never have Auron. "It's not FAIR!" he growled, kicking the ball with as much force as possible, watching it arc through the air before coming back down in the water with a splash. It started to float gently away on the waves. Tidus didn't bother to go after it. He could always get another blitzball, annoying as it was.
He sighed, running a hand through sun-kissed bleached blond hair. He was tired of living like this with Auron. He wanted things to be different. Not back to the way they were before. Something better. Something more. But he didn't know how to make that happen. It drove him crazy.
* * *
Fingers touched lips absently.
He watched.
A beautiful blond blur of grace and speed, Tidus moved through the water easily as he went after the ball, his movements fluid and sure. He caught up to the opposing player quickly, tackling him, going for control of the ball. With one minute left, the game was tied 4-4.
He gained the ball back easily, dribbling it down to the other end of the sphere towards the goal. Forty seconds left. He stared, entranced as the ball flew up in the air, Tidus shooting up after it, flipping deftly, aiming a perfect kick that sent the ball flying through the goal with ten seconds to spare.
Tidus was just as beautiful and amazing to watch as he had been when he was younger, his skilled talent in the water unsurpassable by anyone else his age.
Auron loved to watch him.
He almost seemed to be enchanted by Tidus at times, breath taken away by sheer beauty and fingers absently pressing at lips in remembrance of soft lips brushing lightly against his before jerking away so violently. In two years, attraction had only grown steadily as the fourteen year old boy slowly begin growing into a sixteen year old young man. He hadn't quite reached adulthood yet, but the transformation was sometimes heart-achingly painful to watch. Painful, and phenomenally wonderful, made all the more bittersweet by their somewhat soured relationship.
With what was almost visible effort, he wrenched his eyes away from the teenager down there laughing and high-fiving his teammates in victory, and got up to head back home. Tidus usually stayed out partying after a game, but he never wanted to take the chance that Tidus might one day stop by the houseboat. Tidus had no idea that Auron went to his games, and he wanted to keep it that way. Just why it should be a secret, he didn't really know. It just felt like the right thing to do.
He started the walk back to the houseboat, but some sudden instinct prompted him to stick around and follow Tidus instead. It was just a gut feeling, and he wasn't sure what it meant. So he hid back in the shadows where Tidus wasn't likely to notice him, waiting.
Tidus passed by a few hours later, alone. Auron let him go a ways down the street, feeling foolish. Perhaps he was just getting paranoid in his old age, Tidus was perfectly fine. And now he had to figure out how to get back before-
A shrill scream pierced through the air just then, and Auron sprung into action immediately. Fiends had gotten in Zanarkand, and now they were attacking Tidus. His Tidus. He growled in anger as he reached them, pulling his sword from its sheath and swinging heavily, slicing through one of the lizard creatures with enough strength to kill in just the one blow. It let out a weak dying cry as it hit the ground, already fading away on small flittering clouds of pyreflies. The other fiends shrieked in anger and started to circle around him, preparing to attack.
"Auron!" Tidus choked out before letting out another pained yell. Auron whirled around, ignoring one of the fiends as it leaped, its teeth sinking deep into Auron's arm. Tidus was on the ground, one of the lizards on top of him, its claws digging into the blond's chest, its teeth almost seeming to gnaw at the left arm Tidus had held up to shield his face.
Auron shook off the fiend on his own arm, briefly wishing this was Spira so he could use the small bit of magic he'd once known. But in the dream of Zanarkand a thousand years old, magic didn't exist. So he did the next best thing. Using his sword like a spear, he jabbed it at the fiend on Tidus, piercing through its tough scaly skin, aiming for the heart. It let out a snarl of rage and abandoned Tidus in favour of attacking Auron, who sliced it in half mid-air as it jumped. It fell to the ground heavily, and he turned his attention to the three fiends left. Blood dripped out from under his red coat and splattered onto the ground, a few drops landing on Tidus.
He took out the last three fiends easily, though another managed to get in a good swipe, claws slicing deeply through his flesh and drawing more blood from his body. Dimly he heard Tidus crying behind him, but ignored it as he slashed at the last fiend. It moved nimbly aside, and the blade only grazed its side. Another well-aimed slash that anticipated its dodge turned it into a burst of pyreflies, and they were safe once more.
He re-sheathed his sword and turned around, kneeling down beside Tidus, who looked up at him, tears still glittering in his eyes.
"You're hurt," Tidus whispered between shaky breaths.
"It's nothing," Auron said gruffly, getting his arms underneath Tidus and lifting him easily, preparing to carry him back to the houseboat. For once there was none of the awkward silence between them, the tension gone for the first time in two years. Neither of them noticed it. Auron walked the rest of the way back as carefully as he could, not wanting to hurt Tidus worse than he was.
At last they were there, and he shifted Tidus' weight in his arms slightly so he could reach out with one hand to open the door. Carrying Tidus upstairs, he laid him down on the bed and removed his shirt to get a better look at the wound the fiend had given him. It wasn't deep, but Tidus groaned when he touched it gently, and Auron suddenly wished Braska were here with his Curaga magic.
"Don't move," Auron commanded, and went downstairs to get Tidus some potion, lacking anything better to help him with at the moment. He ignored his own wounds completely as he brought the potion back upstairs, sitting Tidus up and helping him drink it. It seemed to help a bit, for Tidus murmured something that could have been a thanks as he closed his eyes, exhausted now and wanting sleep.
Auron stayed there beside him until he heard the steady even breathing that meant Tidus was asleep, and then he slipped quietly out of the room, still not bothering to do anything about his own injuries just yet. He stood in the doorway a moment, watching the rise and fall of Tidus' bare chest as he slept, the tanned skin marred by three angry red lines that would eventually fade to nothing, thanks to the potion.
He could have lost Tidus. That thought was uppermost in his mind, looming, taunting him. If he hadn't listened to his instincts and stayed, Tidus would be dead right now. The thought was terrifying. He couldn't bear to lose Tidus, the boy was all he had left. He hadn't realized that, hadn't realized just how important Tidus was to him, until tonight. He'd known it in a flash, when he'd heard Tidus' panicked cry. What he felt for Tidus went beyond simple attraction. It had for some time; only being his Auron self he'd stubbornly refused to acknowledge it, telling himself it was just lust that made him want the boy so damn fiercely.
Tidus shifted in his sleep, a frown spreading across his face, eyes squeezing shut tighter. Nightmare. With Tidus not awake to see him, he crossed the distance back to the bed and hesitantly reached his hand out. He stopped, hand hovering over Tidus' head, unsure. What if Tidus woke up?
Who cared?
Plucking up his courage, he lowered his hand and ran it gently through dyed-blond strands, trying in some small way to soothe Tidus from the nightmare. Tidus mumbled something in his sleep then, the one word making Auron freeze and flash back to a conversation of two years ago, a conversation that had went horribly wrong. "Don't."
He could still recall the conversation with painful clarity. He'd intended to reassure Tidus, to let him know that nothing would change between them, but instead he'd botched it horribly and it changed everything.
He still didn't know what Tidus had meant that day, that one word "don't" having infinite possible meanings behind it. Nor had Tidus bothered to explain, instead choosing to pretend everything was fine before running off again. But he couldn't fault Tidus for it.
After all, he'd ran too.
* * *
"We need to talk."
"About what?"
He opened his mouth but words did not come. Instead a fiend leaped out, a giant lizard creature with tough green scales covering its entire body. It landed on all fours in front of him, eyes red and glowing as it glared at him.
He froze, stuck in his place by terror. "Don't," he whispered.
The fiend crouched low, preparing to leap. It opened its mouth. "I hate you."
"Don't," he said again, helplessly.
"I hate you," it repeated. "I've always hated you. You're a worthless crybaby."
"I'm not," he protested, even as his eyes started to fill with tears. "Please... don't hate me..."
The fiend leaped then, landing on him and knocking him backwards to the ground, claws digging into his chest. He felt blood begin to trickle out and slide down, forming a small pool on the ground partially beneath him. A few tears slid out of his eyes and down his cheeks. "Please..." he begged.
He stared into Auron's face above him, the older man's knees pressing down on his chest. His eyes lacked the dark glasses he usually wore, and he glared down at him. "I hate you," he hissed. "I have always hated you."
"Don't," he sobbed. "Don't hate me. I... I love you... please..."
"Ha! You're not even worthy of loving me. You are nothing. You never were. And you never will amount to anything. You're nothing but the stupid crybaby Jecht said you were. Don't make me laugh Tidus."
"No..."
"Tidus."
"Don't..."
"Tidus."
"Tidus."
He woke with a start, gasping for breath, heart racing. A dream. It had just been a dream. A very strange dream, at that.
"Tidus," Auron said again, and he looked to his left. Auron was kneeling beside the bed, his eye peering at the teen in worry. "Are you okay?"
Tidus nodded, mind already tuning Auron out as he drifted back to his dream. It made him slightly uncomfortable to think about it. He'd said he loved Auron. Why had he said that? He didn't love Auron, only lusted after him... right? Didn't he? But Auron... Auron said he hated him. It was just a dream. It didn't mean anything real. Besides, he and Auron didn't talk anymore. Auron wouldn't have said that to him even if he did feel that way. Would he?
His thoughts tumbled around his mind, confused and miserably unsure of anything anymore. He looked back to his left, where Auron was staring at him, concern evident in his eye. And suddenly Tidus felt so unutterably weary, exhausted of it all, sick of the way they'd been living the past two years. He could have died tonight, if Auron hadn't been there. The similarity to the events of two years ago that started this all didn't escape him. It was as if life was trying to tell them something, to offer them a second chance. A chance to finally make things right.
And he wanted that desperately. So desperately it hurt.
"Do you hate me?" he spoke up unsteadily, blurting out the question without giving himself time to think about it, hoping to catch Auron off-guard.
"What?" Auron blinked at him, and stood quickly. Tidus moved aside, an open invitation for Auron to sit beside him. Auron took it, sitting down gingerly, almost afraid to, it seemed.
"Do you hate me?" Tidus asked him again, his voice level this time.
Auron looked at him, face unreadable, only the small frown revealing his confusion. "No," he said, not elaborating. Tidus gazed back at him, seeing his determined and slightly scared expression reflecting back at him in Auron's glasses.
"I... I don't hate you either," he whispered.
Auron chuckled softly. "Glad we're clear on that."
A spark of anger. He clenched the sheets tightly in fists, the knuckles turning white from the pressure. "It isn't a joke, Auron. It isn't funny."
But Auron only smiled at him, the first smile Tidus had seen from him in two years. "I know," he said, voice serious. "Tidus-"
"Don't," he said, the word out before he could stop it. He swallowed, mouth going dry. "I mean," he tried again, then stopped. He really didn't have any idea what he wanted to say, only that he wanted things right between them again. "Look. Auron, I want-"
And there he stopped again, helpless. What did he want, really? A lot of things. He wanted things to be okay again. He wanted for Auron to talk to him again. He just plain wanted Auron. He wanted to kiss Auron. He wanted-
"Fuck it," he muttered, giving up on words. He threw back the covers and got out of bed. He paid Auron no attention as he walked over to his window and looked out into the night. Wanting Auron meant nothing. Fixing things between them would not automatically make Auron want him back that way. It was just some stupid teenage crush, something to occupy his daydreams with. Something that would never amount to anything. Something that would never be. Couldn't.
He heard Auron leave the bed, felt his measured footsteps as he walked across the room after Tidus, and knew his guardian was standing just behind him.
"Tidus."
That one word, oddly gentle and spoken so tenderly, shattered what little self-restraint Tidus had managed to hold on to. Damn the consequences, he'd never know if he didn't take a risk every now and then.
He turned around to face the older man, staring at him for one brief second before grabbing Auron's collar and yanking him down the last few inches so that their lips met.
It was the same as last time, that jolt of electric energy racing throughout their bodies, sexually charged tension returning full force to fill the space around them. Surprise made Auron unresistant, and Tidus took full advantage of this shamelessly, nibbling on the man's rough lower lip, prodding it open. He took his time exploring the man's mouth, learning, enjoying. It was a few moments before he realized that Auron was responding, kissing him back, his arms wrapping around Tidus to pull their bodies closer. He felt something hard pressing at the base of his stomach then, and he moaned, involuntarily thrusting his hips, seeking out friction.
Auron let out an amused laugh, his voice a rich, warm baritone that Tidus decided he loved. "Perhaps we should move back to the bed," Auron suggested, voice going slightly husky. Tidus nodded his jerky agreement, allowing Auron to guide him over there, the promise of what was to come sending an anticipating shudder down his spine.
Auron shoved aside covers, laying him down on the bed gently, staring down at his boxer-clad body, admiring it. The boxers didn't last long, nor did his own clothes. Tidus frowned when he caught side of the white bandages on Auron's arm. "Won't that hurt?" he asked, gesturing.
"It doesn't matter," Auron said, before leaning in to kiss him. Tidus let him, parting his lips to let Auron in, enjoying the feel of that silken tongue exploring his mouth. Auron's hand roamed freely over his body, his touch turning Tidus into fiery liquid. He let out another moan, hips thrust upward in the need for contact. "A-Auron..." he gasped. "I want..."
"Want what?" Auron asked, his own voice not quite even.
"Touch me," he pleaded, raw want mixing with desire. He felt an embarrassed flush spread across his face when Auron gave a low chuckle, but he didn't care. Never had he wanted something so much before. Still, Auron did as asked, wrapping his hand around Tidus, stroking lightly, the touch still enough to make Tidus writhe helplessly beneath him.
"More," he whimpered, hardly aware he was doing it. But to his chagrin Auron stopped, sitting up and looking down at him seriously. He tried to reach for Auron, to feel the man's skin against his own hot, flushed body, but Auron stayed his hand. "Have you done this before?" he asked.
Tidus actually had to stop and think about that a moment, letting his mind catch back up to the present. "Not all the way," he answered at last.
Auron did something then, something Tidus had seen him do only once before and had thought he'd never see again. He removed his glasses. Tidus swallowed, knowing just how intimate of a gesture it was for Auron, to let Tidus see his face like that. "Are you sure," Auron asked, trailing the fingers of his left hand down Tidus' bare chest, "that you want to?"
His first instinct was to just shout "YES!" and have Auron get on with it, but he knew Auron was quite serious about it. Still, he'd never been more sure about anything in his life. "I want it to be with you," Tidus said softly.
Auron did not reply, just got off the bed, and for a scary few moments Tidus thought he'd made the other man mad. Then Auron came back, bottle of potion in hand. "Turn over," Auron commanded him, not forcefully. He did as asked, feeling both slightly foolish and nervous at the same time. The farthest he'd ever gone before was a groping session with one of his curious teammates, and that had been a fast and hurried affair, hardly satisfying in the least.
He felt the bed settle with Auron's weight again, and then Auron was nudging his thighs apart with one hand, fingers stroking over his sensitized opening. He gave a whimper that was half fear and half want, causing Auron's hand to still for a moment. "If you change your mind, just say so. I'll stop," Auron told him.
Tidus shook his head. "Don't stop." Then his breath hitched in his throat as he felt Auron's potion-coated fingers inside him, going deeper, pressing until they hit a spot within him that made him just want to melt into a puddle. Auron crooked a finger, eliciting a moan from Tidus. Every nerve in his body was tingling, vibrant and aware, begging for more.
He was vaguely surprised that there hadn't really been any pain when Auron's fingers slid easily inside him. He'd gotten the idea that this was going to hurt, somehow. Then again, fingers weren't very big. Perhaps it was what came after that hurt.
Auron slowly withdrew his fingers then, and Tidus couldn't help the embarrassing sort of moan that escaped unbidden from his throat. He could hear Auron's own ragged breathing though, and took comfort in the fact that he wasn't always as stoic as he tried to be, that being this way with Tidus was slowly letting out emotions he did his best to keep locked up. Actually, he felt a little smug knowing he was the reason for Auron's slight loss of control.
Hands against his hips then, bracing him, Auron's legs holding his own thighs apart, and then Auron was almost slamming inside him, stretching him, filling him.
Tidus groaned. There was pain, no denying that. But it wasn't as bad as he expected, and it was quickly lost in a wave of pleasure as Auron began to thrust, deep lazy strokes that made him come undone, gasping words that never existed, words that were more raw want than actual words. It felt wonderful; it drove him crazy. It was too much; it wasn't enough.
He arched his body back into Auron's embrace, wanting to feel Auron as deep as possible. One hand left his hip and slid around to grasp him, the bandages on his arm grazing against Tidus' stomach and tickling him slightly every time Auron stroked him. They were more urgent this time, Auron recognizing Tidus' needs and limits as if he'd been familiar with them for years.
His world exploded then, a rush of sheer ecstacy that overrode everything else and numbed all other feeling. He barely felt it as Auron continued to thrust, harder and faster as he neared the edge. Auron's fingers dug hard enough into his hips to leave marks that would be bruises the next day, but he hardly felt that either; nor did he care.
What he cared about was the here and now-this closeness with Auron he thought he'd never experience, the feel of Auron's skin hot and sweaty against his, Auron slick and deep inside him, Auron's breath not quite even as he fought to maintain control of the emotions Tidus provoked in him, the faint noises emitting from Auron's throat that Tidus could just catch if he listened hard enough.
Then Auron's self-control shattered, a deep guttural groan bubbling up out his throat as he reached his limit, whole body rigidly tensed and nerves coiled tight before he relaxed again, pulling out of Tidus and collapsing next to him, body shaking as he wrapped his arms around Tidus and pulled him close.
Tidus let him, burying his head in Auron's chest as they both fought to steady their breathing, waiting for the beat of their heats to slow to normal. It was a long time before anyone spoke.
"Auron?" Tidus finally murmured.
"Yes?" Auron's voice was still not quite even.
"I'm tired..."
Another of those low chuckles, making Tidus wonder if the man was out to set a record, so rarely did he ever laugh before. "Go to sleep then."
"Um..." he voiced. He was reluctant to sleep, scared that this night meant little much to Auron, that Auron would leave him and things would go back to being awkward and tense between them again, something he definitely did not want.
"I'll still be here when you wake up," Auron said gently, sensing what bothered Tidus. "It's okay to sleep."
"Promise?" he breathed, knowing he'd never asked such a thing of Auron before. Hoping it wasn't too much to ask.
His eyes were already sliding closed, slipping off into sleep, but he still was awake enough to hear Auron's soft "Yes," and it reassured him. He let himself sleep then, worn out, but content.
* * *
Auron woke before Tidus the next morning, and, true to his word, stayed by the blond's side, careful to let him sleep for as long as he needed. In the meantime, he was content enough to watch the boy sleep, still as taken in by him as he always had been. If the boy was beautiful awake, he was absolutely breath-taking asleep, though Auron couldn't explain why that was so in words. It just was.
He was still marveling over the fact that Tidus wanted him. It had taken him completely by surprise-the pure want he'd sensed in the blond last night. He'd spent the past two years thinking Tidus hated him for running, for abandoning him when he needed his guardian most. To find out it wasn't true, that it was quite the opposite in fact, was maddening. His fingers strayed absently to his lips again, briefly. Then they left to tangle themselves in Tidus' hair, running the length of blond strands gently, taking care not to wake him.
Tidus didn't wake for another hour, and he was pleased to see Auron still there when he finally cracked open groggy eyes to too-bright sunlight filtering in through the window, wincing as various aches and pains rapidly made themselves known, a combination of both the fiend attack and the night spent with Auron.
He felt Auron's eye inquisitive upon his, and looked over at him, answering the man's silent "what now?" with a grin. "I'm hungry."
"Hn." Auron just grunted, but Tidus could tell he was amused-his lips twitched at the corners, ever so slightly, almost becoming a smile. "Go do something about it, then."
"Fix me breakfast Auron, please?' he asked, begging with his eyes the way he'd done when he was little and wanted to get away with having Auron do something for him.
Auron sighed, and started to get out of the bed, searching about for clothes, and Tidus knew he'd won. Apparently Auron was still unable to resist his pleading. That brought back a memory of last night, pleading with Auron to touch him, and his face flushed red. If Auron noticed, he didn't say anything.
* * *
It was after they'd finished eating that they chanced to bring up the last bit of unfinished business between them, both of them speaking at the same time.
"We need to talk." "Can we talk?"
They looked at each other, and then Tidus laughed, somewhat nervously. "Um," he said. Auron nodded at him, indicating for him to go ahead. "Why'd you leave?" Tidus demanded, not knowing what he was going to say until the words came out.
"You... didn't come back. I thought-you didn't want... to be around me." Auron answered haltingly, choosing his words carefully.
"Oh." Tidus bit down on his lip, looking away. So it had been his fault, then, the strained silence of two awkward years? He looked back at Auron. "It wasn't that... It was... I was scared." His mouth twisted in a wry smile. "I thought you'd figured it out."
"Figured what out?" Auron frowned, confusion written across his usually stoic face.
Now it was Tidus' turn to frown, his own sudden confusion evident when he spoke. "That I liked you. That I wanted you. It's why I always stared at you, why I was so nervous around you. I thought you knew and I didn't want to talk about it or have to face it..." he trailed off as he saw Auron's eye narrowing. "You... didn't know," he said faintly, realizing. Auron shook his head.
"I didn't know."
"Then... what-" He paused, thinking back on the conversation and the week preceding it. "It meant something to you. Even though it was just an accident. Even though I hadn't meant for it to happen." Another pause. "Why didn't you say something?"
"I tried," Auron said, a touch exasperated, emotion slipping through his iron control. "You cut me off and ran."
Don't.
Tidus groaned miserably. Shit, it was his fault. Maybe the dream Auron had been right. Maybe he was nothing. Except a stupid crybaby. He spent the last two years in misery, wanting Auron and believing he'd never have him, all because he had to be a coward and run away from things.
He instinctively started to stand, wanting nothing more than to run again, but Auron was up in a flash, wrapping his arms around Tidus and holding him tight so the blond had nowhere to go. Tidus struggled, but couldn't get free of Auron's strong embrace. After a moment he stopped fighting it and just let Auron hold him, focusing his anger on the tears starting to trail down his cheeks rather than Auron.
"It was my fault!" he cried. "I shouldn't-"
"No. It wasn't either of our fault, Tidus." Auron's tone was gentle, but there was a firm resoluteness behind it that Jecht and Braska would have recognized immediately. It was his "I'm right, I damn well know I'm right about this, and you are not going to argue with me about it" tone. Tidus may not have traveled on that pilgrimage, but he too recognized the tone for what it was. He didn't argue.
"The past is past," Auron added. "There is no time to waste on regrets." His voice sounded oddly melancholy as he said this, and Tidus wondered what it was in his past that Auron was thinking of. He knew by now that when Auron offered advice, it was more of a reminder to himself to live by it than anything else.
Tidus only sighed though, and turned around to face Auron, burying his head against Auron's chest, feeling the ridge of the scar against one cheek through the thin fabric of the shirt he wore. Auron continued to hold him, and Tidus allowed it, content to stand there in Auron's warm embrace. "Don't let go," he whispered, the phrase having more meaning than Auron's arms around his.
Auron tightened his hold. "I won't."
[Final Fantasy X] M+, romance/angst, 5604 (9881) words, published 03-07-05
previous chapter Second Chance
butterflie
[chapter two ~ love.]
Strained silence.
At one time, that would have been uncommon in the household of Tidus and Auron, but now it was just another part of their life, something they'd grown to accept, as much as neither of them liked it. But nor did they ever try to repair a relationship that somehow seemed broken beyond repair.
"Sorry," Tidus said, speaking just as Auron said the same thing. Tidus shook his head and sighed, not bothering to say anything else. It was all so damn awkward. He wasn't sure just whose fault that was. He only knew it had been like this since that stupid conversation Auron tried to have two years previously.
Two years. It had been two years since that one small incident had impacted so largely on their lives, but not once in all that time had his feelings lessened. He lusted after Auron just as much as he had when he was fourteen, maybe even more so now that he was older and ruled even more by his hormones.
Take now, for example. Even with something as simple as reaching for the same thing at the same time and brushing his hand against Auron's in the process caused a tightening in his stomach and groin that he was all too familiar with these days. Feelings that failed to be provoked by anyone else. He'd had a relationship a time or two since realizing his lust for Auron, and not once had he come anywhere close to feeling what he felt about Auron. The man consumed his thoughts constantly, both waking and sleeping. It had filled the air around them with a sexually charged tension that hadn't dissipated once in the past two years.
And he was almost a hundred percent certain Auron knew about it. He'd as good as admitted it. Don't, he'd said. The word had been full of more meaning than could easily be expressed in words. He hadn't bothered to try. Instead, he'd done what he always did when faced with something he wanted to avoid-he ran.
He'd stayed out all night, and when he'd returned the next morning-the first time he'd ever broken a promise to his guardian-Auron was gone.
He could still remember the feeling of choked terror that descended upon him as he'd searched throughout the houseboat and the surrounding outside area, trying in vain to find a man who didn't want to be found. At last he'd given up, collapsing in bed, burying his head in his pillow to muffle his sobs though no one was around to hear them. He'd been convinced Auron was gone for good.
He'd chosen to spend that whole first week crying in bed, blowing off school and blitzball and whatnot, not daring to leave the houseboat for fear that Auron might come back and he wouldn't be there. As it happened, he finally had to venture out for food, and when he came back in, Auron was there. Just standing there, looking around him as if the houseboat was a foreign place he'd never seen before.
Tidus hadn't said anything-instead; he'd started crying. Auron had only looked at him, and even behind those damned glasses he could see the pain reflected in Auron's one eye. It had been too much. He'd turned and fled to his room. Nothing had been the same since then-but at least Auron had stayed. He seemed to sense Tidus' needing him, even if they weren't quite on good speaking terms.
He scowled absently down at his food as he ate, Auron sitting silently across the table from him. "Not quite good, my ass," he muttered, not even caring that Auron heard him and raised a quizzical eyebrow at him. No speaking terms was more like it. And hell, why was he even bothering to dredge all this up in his mind anyways? It wasn't going to change anything.
Angrily, he shoved his half-eaten dinner away from him, and then slammed his chair back as he stood, stomping out of the houseboat down to the docks to work his frustration out on an innocent blitzball.
It wasn't fair. He wanted Auron so damn much. But if he had been unattainable two years ago, he was even more so now. The way things were between them, he'd never have Auron. "It's not FAIR!" he growled, kicking the ball with as much force as possible, watching it arc through the air before coming back down in the water with a splash. It started to float gently away on the waves. Tidus didn't bother to go after it. He could always get another blitzball, annoying as it was.
He sighed, running a hand through sun-kissed bleached blond hair. He was tired of living like this with Auron. He wanted things to be different. Not back to the way they were before. Something better. Something more. But he didn't know how to make that happen. It drove him crazy.
* * *
Fingers touched lips absently.
He watched.
A beautiful blond blur of grace and speed, Tidus moved through the water easily as he went after the ball, his movements fluid and sure. He caught up to the opposing player quickly, tackling him, going for control of the ball. With one minute left, the game was tied 4-4.
He gained the ball back easily, dribbling it down to the other end of the sphere towards the goal. Forty seconds left. He stared, entranced as the ball flew up in the air, Tidus shooting up after it, flipping deftly, aiming a perfect kick that sent the ball flying through the goal with ten seconds to spare.
Tidus was just as beautiful and amazing to watch as he had been when he was younger, his skilled talent in the water unsurpassable by anyone else his age.
Auron loved to watch him.
He almost seemed to be enchanted by Tidus at times, breath taken away by sheer beauty and fingers absently pressing at lips in remembrance of soft lips brushing lightly against his before jerking away so violently. In two years, attraction had only grown steadily as the fourteen year old boy slowly begin growing into a sixteen year old young man. He hadn't quite reached adulthood yet, but the transformation was sometimes heart-achingly painful to watch. Painful, and phenomenally wonderful, made all the more bittersweet by their somewhat soured relationship.
With what was almost visible effort, he wrenched his eyes away from the teenager down there laughing and high-fiving his teammates in victory, and got up to head back home. Tidus usually stayed out partying after a game, but he never wanted to take the chance that Tidus might one day stop by the houseboat. Tidus had no idea that Auron went to his games, and he wanted to keep it that way. Just why it should be a secret, he didn't really know. It just felt like the right thing to do.
He started the walk back to the houseboat, but some sudden instinct prompted him to stick around and follow Tidus instead. It was just a gut feeling, and he wasn't sure what it meant. So he hid back in the shadows where Tidus wasn't likely to notice him, waiting.
Tidus passed by a few hours later, alone. Auron let him go a ways down the street, feeling foolish. Perhaps he was just getting paranoid in his old age, Tidus was perfectly fine. And now he had to figure out how to get back before-
A shrill scream pierced through the air just then, and Auron sprung into action immediately. Fiends had gotten in Zanarkand, and now they were attacking Tidus. His Tidus. He growled in anger as he reached them, pulling his sword from its sheath and swinging heavily, slicing through one of the lizard creatures with enough strength to kill in just the one blow. It let out a weak dying cry as it hit the ground, already fading away on small flittering clouds of pyreflies. The other fiends shrieked in anger and started to circle around him, preparing to attack.
"Auron!" Tidus choked out before letting out another pained yell. Auron whirled around, ignoring one of the fiends as it leaped, its teeth sinking deep into Auron's arm. Tidus was on the ground, one of the lizards on top of him, its claws digging into the blond's chest, its teeth almost seeming to gnaw at the left arm Tidus had held up to shield his face.
Auron shook off the fiend on his own arm, briefly wishing this was Spira so he could use the small bit of magic he'd once known. But in the dream of Zanarkand a thousand years old, magic didn't exist. So he did the next best thing. Using his sword like a spear, he jabbed it at the fiend on Tidus, piercing through its tough scaly skin, aiming for the heart. It let out a snarl of rage and abandoned Tidus in favour of attacking Auron, who sliced it in half mid-air as it jumped. It fell to the ground heavily, and he turned his attention to the three fiends left. Blood dripped out from under his red coat and splattered onto the ground, a few drops landing on Tidus.
He took out the last three fiends easily, though another managed to get in a good swipe, claws slicing deeply through his flesh and drawing more blood from his body. Dimly he heard Tidus crying behind him, but ignored it as he slashed at the last fiend. It moved nimbly aside, and the blade only grazed its side. Another well-aimed slash that anticipated its dodge turned it into a burst of pyreflies, and they were safe once more.
He re-sheathed his sword and turned around, kneeling down beside Tidus, who looked up at him, tears still glittering in his eyes.
"You're hurt," Tidus whispered between shaky breaths.
"It's nothing," Auron said gruffly, getting his arms underneath Tidus and lifting him easily, preparing to carry him back to the houseboat. For once there was none of the awkward silence between them, the tension gone for the first time in two years. Neither of them noticed it. Auron walked the rest of the way back as carefully as he could, not wanting to hurt Tidus worse than he was.
At last they were there, and he shifted Tidus' weight in his arms slightly so he could reach out with one hand to open the door. Carrying Tidus upstairs, he laid him down on the bed and removed his shirt to get a better look at the wound the fiend had given him. It wasn't deep, but Tidus groaned when he touched it gently, and Auron suddenly wished Braska were here with his Curaga magic.
"Don't move," Auron commanded, and went downstairs to get Tidus some potion, lacking anything better to help him with at the moment. He ignored his own wounds completely as he brought the potion back upstairs, sitting Tidus up and helping him drink it. It seemed to help a bit, for Tidus murmured something that could have been a thanks as he closed his eyes, exhausted now and wanting sleep.
Auron stayed there beside him until he heard the steady even breathing that meant Tidus was asleep, and then he slipped quietly out of the room, still not bothering to do anything about his own injuries just yet. He stood in the doorway a moment, watching the rise and fall of Tidus' bare chest as he slept, the tanned skin marred by three angry red lines that would eventually fade to nothing, thanks to the potion.
He could have lost Tidus. That thought was uppermost in his mind, looming, taunting him. If he hadn't listened to his instincts and stayed, Tidus would be dead right now. The thought was terrifying. He couldn't bear to lose Tidus, the boy was all he had left. He hadn't realized that, hadn't realized just how important Tidus was to him, until tonight. He'd known it in a flash, when he'd heard Tidus' panicked cry. What he felt for Tidus went beyond simple attraction. It had for some time; only being his Auron self he'd stubbornly refused to acknowledge it, telling himself it was just lust that made him want the boy so damn fiercely.
Tidus shifted in his sleep, a frown spreading across his face, eyes squeezing shut tighter. Nightmare. With Tidus not awake to see him, he crossed the distance back to the bed and hesitantly reached his hand out. He stopped, hand hovering over Tidus' head, unsure. What if Tidus woke up?
Who cared?
Plucking up his courage, he lowered his hand and ran it gently through dyed-blond strands, trying in some small way to soothe Tidus from the nightmare. Tidus mumbled something in his sleep then, the one word making Auron freeze and flash back to a conversation of two years ago, a conversation that had went horribly wrong. "Don't."
He could still recall the conversation with painful clarity. He'd intended to reassure Tidus, to let him know that nothing would change between them, but instead he'd botched it horribly and it changed everything.
He still didn't know what Tidus had meant that day, that one word "don't" having infinite possible meanings behind it. Nor had Tidus bothered to explain, instead choosing to pretend everything was fine before running off again. But he couldn't fault Tidus for it.
After all, he'd ran too.
* * *
"We need to talk."
"About what?"
He opened his mouth but words did not come. Instead a fiend leaped out, a giant lizard creature with tough green scales covering its entire body. It landed on all fours in front of him, eyes red and glowing as it glared at him.
He froze, stuck in his place by terror. "Don't," he whispered.
The fiend crouched low, preparing to leap. It opened its mouth. "I hate you."
"Don't," he said again, helplessly.
"I hate you," it repeated. "I've always hated you. You're a worthless crybaby."
"I'm not," he protested, even as his eyes started to fill with tears. "Please... don't hate me..."
The fiend leaped then, landing on him and knocking him backwards to the ground, claws digging into his chest. He felt blood begin to trickle out and slide down, forming a small pool on the ground partially beneath him. A few tears slid out of his eyes and down his cheeks. "Please..." he begged.
He stared into Auron's face above him, the older man's knees pressing down on his chest. His eyes lacked the dark glasses he usually wore, and he glared down at him. "I hate you," he hissed. "I have always hated you."
"Don't," he sobbed. "Don't hate me. I... I love you... please..."
"Ha! You're not even worthy of loving me. You are nothing. You never were. And you never will amount to anything. You're nothing but the stupid crybaby Jecht said you were. Don't make me laugh Tidus."
"No..."
"Tidus."
"Don't..."
"Tidus."
"Tidus."
He woke with a start, gasping for breath, heart racing. A dream. It had just been a dream. A very strange dream, at that.
"Tidus," Auron said again, and he looked to his left. Auron was kneeling beside the bed, his eye peering at the teen in worry. "Are you okay?"
Tidus nodded, mind already tuning Auron out as he drifted back to his dream. It made him slightly uncomfortable to think about it. He'd said he loved Auron. Why had he said that? He didn't love Auron, only lusted after him... right? Didn't he? But Auron... Auron said he hated him. It was just a dream. It didn't mean anything real. Besides, he and Auron didn't talk anymore. Auron wouldn't have said that to him even if he did feel that way. Would he?
His thoughts tumbled around his mind, confused and miserably unsure of anything anymore. He looked back to his left, where Auron was staring at him, concern evident in his eye. And suddenly Tidus felt so unutterably weary, exhausted of it all, sick of the way they'd been living the past two years. He could have died tonight, if Auron hadn't been there. The similarity to the events of two years ago that started this all didn't escape him. It was as if life was trying to tell them something, to offer them a second chance. A chance to finally make things right.
And he wanted that desperately. So desperately it hurt.
"Do you hate me?" he spoke up unsteadily, blurting out the question without giving himself time to think about it, hoping to catch Auron off-guard.
"What?" Auron blinked at him, and stood quickly. Tidus moved aside, an open invitation for Auron to sit beside him. Auron took it, sitting down gingerly, almost afraid to, it seemed.
"Do you hate me?" Tidus asked him again, his voice level this time.
Auron looked at him, face unreadable, only the small frown revealing his confusion. "No," he said, not elaborating. Tidus gazed back at him, seeing his determined and slightly scared expression reflecting back at him in Auron's glasses.
"I... I don't hate you either," he whispered.
Auron chuckled softly. "Glad we're clear on that."
A spark of anger. He clenched the sheets tightly in fists, the knuckles turning white from the pressure. "It isn't a joke, Auron. It isn't funny."
But Auron only smiled at him, the first smile Tidus had seen from him in two years. "I know," he said, voice serious. "Tidus-"
"Don't," he said, the word out before he could stop it. He swallowed, mouth going dry. "I mean," he tried again, then stopped. He really didn't have any idea what he wanted to say, only that he wanted things right between them again. "Look. Auron, I want-"
And there he stopped again, helpless. What did he want, really? A lot of things. He wanted things to be okay again. He wanted for Auron to talk to him again. He just plain wanted Auron. He wanted to kiss Auron. He wanted-
"Fuck it," he muttered, giving up on words. He threw back the covers and got out of bed. He paid Auron no attention as he walked over to his window and looked out into the night. Wanting Auron meant nothing. Fixing things between them would not automatically make Auron want him back that way. It was just some stupid teenage crush, something to occupy his daydreams with. Something that would never amount to anything. Something that would never be. Couldn't.
He heard Auron leave the bed, felt his measured footsteps as he walked across the room after Tidus, and knew his guardian was standing just behind him.
"Tidus."
That one word, oddly gentle and spoken so tenderly, shattered what little self-restraint Tidus had managed to hold on to. Damn the consequences, he'd never know if he didn't take a risk every now and then.
He turned around to face the older man, staring at him for one brief second before grabbing Auron's collar and yanking him down the last few inches so that their lips met.
It was the same as last time, that jolt of electric energy racing throughout their bodies, sexually charged tension returning full force to fill the space around them. Surprise made Auron unresistant, and Tidus took full advantage of this shamelessly, nibbling on the man's rough lower lip, prodding it open. He took his time exploring the man's mouth, learning, enjoying. It was a few moments before he realized that Auron was responding, kissing him back, his arms wrapping around Tidus to pull their bodies closer. He felt something hard pressing at the base of his stomach then, and he moaned, involuntarily thrusting his hips, seeking out friction.
Auron let out an amused laugh, his voice a rich, warm baritone that Tidus decided he loved. "Perhaps we should move back to the bed," Auron suggested, voice going slightly husky. Tidus nodded his jerky agreement, allowing Auron to guide him over there, the promise of what was to come sending an anticipating shudder down his spine.
Auron shoved aside covers, laying him down on the bed gently, staring down at his boxer-clad body, admiring it. The boxers didn't last long, nor did his own clothes. Tidus frowned when he caught side of the white bandages on Auron's arm. "Won't that hurt?" he asked, gesturing.
"It doesn't matter," Auron said, before leaning in to kiss him. Tidus let him, parting his lips to let Auron in, enjoying the feel of that silken tongue exploring his mouth. Auron's hand roamed freely over his body, his touch turning Tidus into fiery liquid. He let out another moan, hips thrust upward in the need for contact. "A-Auron..." he gasped. "I want..."
"Want what?" Auron asked, his own voice not quite even.
"Touch me," he pleaded, raw want mixing with desire. He felt an embarrassed flush spread across his face when Auron gave a low chuckle, but he didn't care. Never had he wanted something so much before. Still, Auron did as asked, wrapping his hand around Tidus, stroking lightly, the touch still enough to make Tidus writhe helplessly beneath him.
"More," he whimpered, hardly aware he was doing it. But to his chagrin Auron stopped, sitting up and looking down at him seriously. He tried to reach for Auron, to feel the man's skin against his own hot, flushed body, but Auron stayed his hand. "Have you done this before?" he asked.
Tidus actually had to stop and think about that a moment, letting his mind catch back up to the present. "Not all the way," he answered at last.
Auron did something then, something Tidus had seen him do only once before and had thought he'd never see again. He removed his glasses. Tidus swallowed, knowing just how intimate of a gesture it was for Auron, to let Tidus see his face like that. "Are you sure," Auron asked, trailing the fingers of his left hand down Tidus' bare chest, "that you want to?"
His first instinct was to just shout "YES!" and have Auron get on with it, but he knew Auron was quite serious about it. Still, he'd never been more sure about anything in his life. "I want it to be with you," Tidus said softly.
Auron did not reply, just got off the bed, and for a scary few moments Tidus thought he'd made the other man mad. Then Auron came back, bottle of potion in hand. "Turn over," Auron commanded him, not forcefully. He did as asked, feeling both slightly foolish and nervous at the same time. The farthest he'd ever gone before was a groping session with one of his curious teammates, and that had been a fast and hurried affair, hardly satisfying in the least.
He felt the bed settle with Auron's weight again, and then Auron was nudging his thighs apart with one hand, fingers stroking over his sensitized opening. He gave a whimper that was half fear and half want, causing Auron's hand to still for a moment. "If you change your mind, just say so. I'll stop," Auron told him.
Tidus shook his head. "Don't stop." Then his breath hitched in his throat as he felt Auron's potion-coated fingers inside him, going deeper, pressing until they hit a spot within him that made him just want to melt into a puddle. Auron crooked a finger, eliciting a moan from Tidus. Every nerve in his body was tingling, vibrant and aware, begging for more.
He was vaguely surprised that there hadn't really been any pain when Auron's fingers slid easily inside him. He'd gotten the idea that this was going to hurt, somehow. Then again, fingers weren't very big. Perhaps it was what came after that hurt.
Auron slowly withdrew his fingers then, and Tidus couldn't help the embarrassing sort of moan that escaped unbidden from his throat. He could hear Auron's own ragged breathing though, and took comfort in the fact that he wasn't always as stoic as he tried to be, that being this way with Tidus was slowly letting out emotions he did his best to keep locked up. Actually, he felt a little smug knowing he was the reason for Auron's slight loss of control.
Hands against his hips then, bracing him, Auron's legs holding his own thighs apart, and then Auron was almost slamming inside him, stretching him, filling him.
Tidus groaned. There was pain, no denying that. But it wasn't as bad as he expected, and it was quickly lost in a wave of pleasure as Auron began to thrust, deep lazy strokes that made him come undone, gasping words that never existed, words that were more raw want than actual words. It felt wonderful; it drove him crazy. It was too much; it wasn't enough.
He arched his body back into Auron's embrace, wanting to feel Auron as deep as possible. One hand left his hip and slid around to grasp him, the bandages on his arm grazing against Tidus' stomach and tickling him slightly every time Auron stroked him. They were more urgent this time, Auron recognizing Tidus' needs and limits as if he'd been familiar with them for years.
His world exploded then, a rush of sheer ecstacy that overrode everything else and numbed all other feeling. He barely felt it as Auron continued to thrust, harder and faster as he neared the edge. Auron's fingers dug hard enough into his hips to leave marks that would be bruises the next day, but he hardly felt that either; nor did he care.
What he cared about was the here and now-this closeness with Auron he thought he'd never experience, the feel of Auron's skin hot and sweaty against his, Auron slick and deep inside him, Auron's breath not quite even as he fought to maintain control of the emotions Tidus provoked in him, the faint noises emitting from Auron's throat that Tidus could just catch if he listened hard enough.
Then Auron's self-control shattered, a deep guttural groan bubbling up out his throat as he reached his limit, whole body rigidly tensed and nerves coiled tight before he relaxed again, pulling out of Tidus and collapsing next to him, body shaking as he wrapped his arms around Tidus and pulled him close.
Tidus let him, burying his head in Auron's chest as they both fought to steady their breathing, waiting for the beat of their heats to slow to normal. It was a long time before anyone spoke.
"Auron?" Tidus finally murmured.
"Yes?" Auron's voice was still not quite even.
"I'm tired..."
Another of those low chuckles, making Tidus wonder if the man was out to set a record, so rarely did he ever laugh before. "Go to sleep then."
"Um..." he voiced. He was reluctant to sleep, scared that this night meant little much to Auron, that Auron would leave him and things would go back to being awkward and tense between them again, something he definitely did not want.
"I'll still be here when you wake up," Auron said gently, sensing what bothered Tidus. "It's okay to sleep."
"Promise?" he breathed, knowing he'd never asked such a thing of Auron before. Hoping it wasn't too much to ask.
His eyes were already sliding closed, slipping off into sleep, but he still was awake enough to hear Auron's soft "Yes," and it reassured him. He let himself sleep then, worn out, but content.
* * *
Auron woke before Tidus the next morning, and, true to his word, stayed by the blond's side, careful to let him sleep for as long as he needed. In the meantime, he was content enough to watch the boy sleep, still as taken in by him as he always had been. If the boy was beautiful awake, he was absolutely breath-taking asleep, though Auron couldn't explain why that was so in words. It just was.
He was still marveling over the fact that Tidus wanted him. It had taken him completely by surprise-the pure want he'd sensed in the blond last night. He'd spent the past two years thinking Tidus hated him for running, for abandoning him when he needed his guardian most. To find out it wasn't true, that it was quite the opposite in fact, was maddening. His fingers strayed absently to his lips again, briefly. Then they left to tangle themselves in Tidus' hair, running the length of blond strands gently, taking care not to wake him.
Tidus didn't wake for another hour, and he was pleased to see Auron still there when he finally cracked open groggy eyes to too-bright sunlight filtering in through the window, wincing as various aches and pains rapidly made themselves known, a combination of both the fiend attack and the night spent with Auron.
He felt Auron's eye inquisitive upon his, and looked over at him, answering the man's silent "what now?" with a grin. "I'm hungry."
"Hn." Auron just grunted, but Tidus could tell he was amused-his lips twitched at the corners, ever so slightly, almost becoming a smile. "Go do something about it, then."
"Fix me breakfast Auron, please?' he asked, begging with his eyes the way he'd done when he was little and wanted to get away with having Auron do something for him.
Auron sighed, and started to get out of the bed, searching about for clothes, and Tidus knew he'd won. Apparently Auron was still unable to resist his pleading. That brought back a memory of last night, pleading with Auron to touch him, and his face flushed red. If Auron noticed, he didn't say anything.
* * *
It was after they'd finished eating that they chanced to bring up the last bit of unfinished business between them, both of them speaking at the same time.
"We need to talk." "Can we talk?"
They looked at each other, and then Tidus laughed, somewhat nervously. "Um," he said. Auron nodded at him, indicating for him to go ahead. "Why'd you leave?" Tidus demanded, not knowing what he was going to say until the words came out.
"You... didn't come back. I thought-you didn't want... to be around me." Auron answered haltingly, choosing his words carefully.
"Oh." Tidus bit down on his lip, looking away. So it had been his fault, then, the strained silence of two awkward years? He looked back at Auron. "It wasn't that... It was... I was scared." His mouth twisted in a wry smile. "I thought you'd figured it out."
"Figured what out?" Auron frowned, confusion written across his usually stoic face.
Now it was Tidus' turn to frown, his own sudden confusion evident when he spoke. "That I liked you. That I wanted you. It's why I always stared at you, why I was so nervous around you. I thought you knew and I didn't want to talk about it or have to face it..." he trailed off as he saw Auron's eye narrowing. "You... didn't know," he said faintly, realizing. Auron shook his head.
"I didn't know."
"Then... what-" He paused, thinking back on the conversation and the week preceding it. "It meant something to you. Even though it was just an accident. Even though I hadn't meant for it to happen." Another pause. "Why didn't you say something?"
"I tried," Auron said, a touch exasperated, emotion slipping through his iron control. "You cut me off and ran."
Don't.
Tidus groaned miserably. Shit, it was his fault. Maybe the dream Auron had been right. Maybe he was nothing. Except a stupid crybaby. He spent the last two years in misery, wanting Auron and believing he'd never have him, all because he had to be a coward and run away from things.
He instinctively started to stand, wanting nothing more than to run again, but Auron was up in a flash, wrapping his arms around Tidus and holding him tight so the blond had nowhere to go. Tidus struggled, but couldn't get free of Auron's strong embrace. After a moment he stopped fighting it and just let Auron hold him, focusing his anger on the tears starting to trail down his cheeks rather than Auron.
"It was my fault!" he cried. "I shouldn't-"
"No. It wasn't either of our fault, Tidus." Auron's tone was gentle, but there was a firm resoluteness behind it that Jecht and Braska would have recognized immediately. It was his "I'm right, I damn well know I'm right about this, and you are not going to argue with me about it" tone. Tidus may not have traveled on that pilgrimage, but he too recognized the tone for what it was. He didn't argue.
"The past is past," Auron added. "There is no time to waste on regrets." His voice sounded oddly melancholy as he said this, and Tidus wondered what it was in his past that Auron was thinking of. He knew by now that when Auron offered advice, it was more of a reminder to himself to live by it than anything else.
Tidus only sighed though, and turned around to face Auron, burying his head against Auron's chest, feeling the ridge of the scar against one cheek through the thin fabric of the shirt he wore. Auron continued to hold him, and Tidus allowed it, content to stand there in Auron's warm embrace. "Don't let go," he whispered, the phrase having more meaning than Auron's arms around his.
Auron tightened his hold. "I won't."