Horizon Road, Chapter 1
This is the lack of control, slipping in his mind.... AuronxTidus. Pre-game.
Final Fantasy 10 - R - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8087 - Updated: 03-11-05 - Published: 03-11-05
Disclaimer: Squaresoft's, yo.
Horizon Road
by:butterflie
chapter one : [reckless abandon]
He was staring again.
The realization hit him with a sudden pang, and he swore softly, frustrated at himself. The swear caught the attention of the subject of his stare, and a blond head jerked up, a faintly curious look on his face.
"You say somethin' Auron?" Tidus asked, blinking innocently, having no idea that he was being watched so intently only moments before.
Auron just shook his head, turning away from Tidus and trying to focus his attention once more on the papers before him. Tidus just shrugged and went back to scribbling in his notebook, working on the latest essay assignment he'd received.
Dammit. One of these days Tidus was going to catch him staring, and given his inquisitive nature, start asking a bunch of questions, and then--
No way. Auron would rather die, again, before letting Tidus find out that he-- He felt his face heat up, ever so slightly, and he swallowed, staring down hard at the table, willing it to go away. What was wrong with him? How could he have let himself get attracted to Jecht's son? It was madness, it was--
Utter insanity. Tidus was just fifteen, still a boy for Yevon's sake. Never mind that he was physically filling out a lot faster than his friends, never mind that he had skin so tan and smooth, practically begging to be caressed, never mind that he had eyes as blue as the oceans of Spira, eyes that sparkled and shone with laughter when he was happy. Never mind the fact that his bleached blond hair, tinged with darker brownish strands that had been kissed by the sun and with just a hint of the original red shining through, looked so fine and silky that Auron longed to run his hands through it every time he looked at Tidus. Never mind that his slender frame was starting to take on a slightly muscular build from years of blitzing, never mind that--
He looked like Jecht. That was what fascinated Auron most about him, that Tidus and Jecht could be so different and still so alike. Not so much in physical looks, though there was something in his face and the frame of his body that just barely hinted at the man who had sired him. No, it was in his movements, the way Tidus moved throughout the world with such fluid grace and confidence, so sure of himself that he could do no wrong. It was there in the way he played blitzball. Auron had watched Jecht, once, when they'd stopped in Besaid and Jecht had been unable to resist showing off a few of his moves to the locals. Jecht had been all speed and elegance and dexterity, attitude cocky but almost childlike in its cheerfulness as he'd jumped in the air after the blitzball he'd flung up so carelessly. It had about taken Auron's breath away, to see the man who always swaggered and stumbled around clumsily in a drunken stupor, and whose movements in battle were sometimes sluggish and ungainly at times; it took Auron's breath away to see this Jecht who was suddenly an entirely different person, one he hadn't known at all. One he hadn't thought existed.
Tidus was like that. He'd inherited his father's skills in blitzball, and it showed in every practice, every game he played. Auron had watched him often, and he was only reminded more and more of Jecht as Tidus played. It was what had originally drawn him to his young charge, that startling resemblance to Jecht, even if it hurt every time he looked at Tidus and was forced to see Jecht. It hadn't been quite so obvious when Tidus was younger of course, but it slowly became more and more evident as Tidus grew up, got older.
Furtively, he slid his eye back over to the blond on the couch, hunched over his notebook, pencil flying furiously as he wrote, face furrowed in concentration. He paused for a moment, lifting the pencil to his mouth to absently chew on it, then gave the notebook an angry scowl. Auron had seen that same scowl on Jecht a few times over the course of their pilgrimage. Usually when Auron refused to do something he wanted..
"Is something wrong?"
"Huh?" He jerked, startled out of his sorrowful reminiscing by the sound of Tidus' voice. Shit. He'd been staring again.
"Is something wrong?" Tidus repeated. "You were looking at me funny.."
Another of those head shakes. "Sorry." He didn't bother to explain, to give an excuse for staring at Tidus. There really wasn't any.
Tidus paused. "Okay," he said at last, sounding as if it wasn't okay with him at all.
Auron had to resist the urge to groan.
--x--
"You're wet."
"Well, duh." Tidus grinned. "It's raining out there. Rain generally gets a person wet." He shook his head, flinging blond hair this way and that and sending droplets of rain water flying all over everything--including Auron.
Auron scowled at him, not pleased in the least, but Tidus only grinned again. "I'm going to go shower. Hope this storm stops soon.."
Auron couldn't help but notice the bit of nervousness he heard in Tidus' last statement, and he watched as Tidus headed down the hall to the bathroom, dripping water the entire way. He frowned. For as long as Auron had been in Zanarkand, Tidus had always been afraid of thunderstorms. Never having been around kids before, with the exception of little Yuna for about a month or so, Auron had assumed this fear of storms was something most kids had, and easily outgrew as they got older. Certainly he couldn't remember being afraid of storms as a child. But to his surprise, Tidus hadn't outgrown it. He no longer came into Auron's room in the middle of the night to huddle under the covers during a storm, and he no longer cried when loud claps of thunder shook the houseboat, but they still made him nervous and jumpy. They still scared him. Oh, he'd tried to hide it from Auron, acting as if nothing bothered him when dark clouds would start gathering in the sky, pretending the thunder and lightning and harsh winds of storms didn't make him jump with fright. Auron didn't understand what was behind this inexplicable fright, nor did he ever bother to ask. He only reacted, to those rare times when Tidus came to him for comfort.
It was still something he found strange. Him, Auron, comforting someone. A child, no less. Jecht's son. The absurdity of it all never failed to amaze him. Jecht had accused him of being heartless and unfeeling once, in the beginning. Auron couldn't remember what he'd been talking about--something to do with Zanarkand, or his kid, most likely--but it had irritated him no end. He'd cut off the man midsentence, telling him to shut up because nobody cared. Entirely unlike him, but he'd said it anyways. Jecht hadn't taken it too well, not used to being interrupted.
Another thing Tidus had in common with Jecht, now that he thought about it. They both liked to talk and talk and talk, if you'd let them. And you better have a very good excuse for interrupting. It used to drive Auron crazy, the way Tidus had constantly wanted to talk at him when he'd first come to Zanarkand. Even though Tidus professed not to like "the tall scary funny dressed man" very much, he'd still just ramble on about almost anything to Auron, never really caring whether Auron was listening or not. And Auron hadn't been listening, not at first. Then the boy's mother had died, and Tidus had talked more than ever, cheerful even, as if his mother's death had meant nothing to him. Eventually Auron realized Tidus was talking not because he particularly wanted you to know what he was saying, but because he was lonely. Because he couldn't stand the silence, and had to fill it in, even if he didn't realize that's what he was doing. And so, gradually, Auron had started listening and responding. Suddenly, he found he was less annoyed with Tidus' idle prater once he actually listened. It was almost.. nice, to have something to focus his attention on and not have to think about the things he regretted, all the mistakes he'd left behind in Spira. Tidus also talked about Jecht sometimes, though not often and the memories were tinged with resentment and anger at the father who had treated him so poorly.
There were often questions, too. Tidus wanted to know so much--about Auron, about where he came from, about why he was so old, about where he got the scar, about why he wore funny clothes, about his glasses, about how he knew Jecht, about what happened to Jecht... the questions went on and on, day after day after day, never-ending it seemed. He never knew how to answer any of them, not sure how much a nine year old was actually really interested in any of those answers, or if he was asking just to be asking. So he'd make weak excuses, or tell the poor child it was none of his business, or that it was rude to ask, and more often than not Tidus would get an affronted look on his face, he'd let out a huff and scrunch up his face in what he considered an intimidating glare, all the while trying to hold back tears of disappointment and hurt at Auron's gruffly spoken words. But he kept asking, over and over again, and talking to Auron.
A loud, angry curse filtered out from the bathroom where the shower had just shut off. Auron raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised. Not at the curse itself, he'd heard much worse from his own mouth, but that Tidus had said it at all. Tidus wasn't usually given to use such words. In fact, he frowned half the time when Auron would mutter such curses to himself. Perhaps they were too painful a reminder of a brash, drunken father whose way of showing affection was insulting the son he cared for.
He half considered getting up and going to see if Tidus was okay; that would indicate concern on his part though, and he tried to do that as little as possible, hoping that perhaps if he kept enough distance he wouldn't be as attracted to Tidus as he already was. He took the easier option--it was much easier to stay seated on the couch staring moodily at the wall; he left Tidus alone.
But oh, how it never seemed to matter. No matter how much distance he put between himself and Tidus, it was always there--that steadily growing lust, burning a fire low down in his stomach and making him ache with desire whenever he looked at Tidus. It was maddening, it was shaming, but it existed. He wanted Tidus, wanted him fiercely, fantasizing daydreams that left him seized with guilt and a sense of betrayal to Jecht. He'd told himself, had sworn, that he wouldn't want anyone other than Jecht. Certainly he hadn't come to Zanarkand expecting to start up a relationship with some random person who wasn't even real--it should have been easy. Grieving over Braska's death and Jecht's becoming Sin, who would even want to think about romance, especially when one has just lost a lover and met with his own death all in the course of a few days? But he hadn't counted on Tidus, hadn't counted on that gangly, clumsy little boy to grow into such a resemblance of Jecht that Auron was sometimes convinced he was looking at Jecht when he'd been a kid himself.
Why had he made that damn promise to Jecht anyways? The last thing he'd wanted was to get saddled raising some emotional kid that wasn't even his own--
"You should try smiling once in awhile. You might like it."
Auron grunted, and looked up to retort something, but whatever he'd planned to say got lost in the rush of desire and the quick breath he sucked in as Tidus stood in front of him. He was practically naked, in nothing but a pair of sleeping shorts he'd outgrown two years back but couldn't bring himself to get rid of. His body was still wet from the shower he'd just taken, Auron could see the drops of water glistening on all that tan skin as the lights hit his body just so. He was standing there nonchalantly in the doorway to the living room, a towel over his wet hair, rubbing vigourously. The only word Auron could find to describe the teenager before him was stunning.
And immediately the shame and guilt and betrayal washed over him again, and he looked away, silently cursing himself once more, because really, he shouldn't be feeling this way about a fifteen year old, it wasn't right, and there was his relationship with Jecht to think about...
But he couldn't seem to help it. Jecht was faraway, and Jecht was.. Jecht was dead, for all intents and purposes. Jecht was Sin, and Jecht would never be Jecht again, and he would be killed for the next Calm, and Auron would never get to feel Jecht's warm body pressing against his again. And yet Tidus was here, alive as a dream could be alive. And he couldn't stop wanting.
"Auron? Man, what's with you... you keep spacing out."
"Just thinking.." Auron said quietly, only half paying attention to the conversation.
"'Bout what?" Tidus finished toweling his hair and tossed his towel back into the hallway, typical teenager. He came up behind Auron sitting on the couch, leaning down and wrapping his long arms around Auron's neck.
Auron tensed, and moved away from Tidus' well-meaning embrace, uncomfortable with any kind of contact from Tidus. "It's nothing," he said, not wanting to open up to Tidus. Not even sure that he knew how to open up about his thoughts anymore, he so rarely did anymore. The last person he'd even trusted to talk openly with the slightest bit had been... Jecht. Eight years ago. It felt longer. It felt like a century. Or an eon.
"You're thinking about Jecht, aren't you."
"......No."
"Liar." Tidus came around the side of the couch, stopping when he was standing in front of Auron, looking down slightly at him. "Why won't you ever talk about my old man? How did you meet him, really? And what happened to him? I just want to know.."
He looked away from the boy in front of him, guilt crashing over him in waves at the pain he could hear in Tidus' voice. "When you're older," he said.
"That's what you always say!" Tidus said, exploding in anger. Auron actually winced. "So tell me Auron, when am I going to be older? When am I finally going to be old enough for you to tell me the truth about my old man? Because at the rate you tell me things now, I'll never be old enough!"
"I'm sorry." He felt like a jerk, being this way to Tidus. But he couldn't very well tell the truth to Tidus yet. Even if Tidus felt he could handle it, even if he thought he was old enough--well, he just didn't know how to explain it. Nor did he think Tidus would believe the truth if he told him.
"I..." The blond lowered his head, shoulders slumping in defeat, knowing that once again he wouldn't be getting the truth out of Auron. "I just wish I knew what happened to him.. It hurts, not knowing whether he's really dead or not, not knowing where he's at and what he's doing..."
It was the most Auron had ever heard Tidus say about his father, and the guilt continued to prick at him. "Tidus-"
"It doesn't seem fair, that you get to know what happened, and that I don't." Tidus still wouldn't look at him. Auron knew the boy was crying. Remorseful, he almost reached out to pull Tidus close and hug him, to let his actions say what his words could not. But he thought better of it then; even if it was just comfort, it would be too much. He was afraid to touch Tidus, afraid that one day he wouldn't be able to hold back and what he felt would breach the surface, his control gone and Tidus beneath him--
It was not a pleasant thought to have, to think he might actually one day be capable of hurting Jecht's son in such a way. It made him sick, and afraid, and so he tried to keep to himself as much as possible.
Perhaps Tidus unconsciously sensed what Auron was thinking; he backed away slightly, swiping a hand at his eyes in embarrassment, still not looking up at his guardian. "Sorry," he muttered.
"It's fine. Are you hungry?" Auron asked, deliberately changing the subject, hoping to distract Tidus from Jecht and dispel the sudden awkwardness that seemed to have settled over them.
"Yeah!" Tidus looked up at last, a small grin starting to make its way across his face. "Can we have pizza?"
"Sure." Auron allowed himself a small smile, and the previous conversation was forgotten.
The storm worsened later on that night, a particularly deafening clap of thunder waking Tidus and sending him scurrying toward his guardian's room in fright.
Auron had been sleeping easily through the storm, but the creaking of the bedroom door woke him. He opened his eye, looking towards the doorway though he was pretty sure he knew what he'd see, and sure enough, Tidus was standing in the doorway, a silhouette just backlit from the moonlight sneaking in through the window of Auron's room. He remained motionless for some moments, apparently trying to determine whether Auron was awake or asleep. Auron sighed. "It's okay Tidus. Come on," and Tidus continued into the room, tentatively standing next to Auron's bed. He shifted over, making plenty of room for the teen, and Tidus got in next to him, cuddling up next to him, at last able to sleep.
Auron lay very still in bed, trying hard not to think about the warm soft body pressing up against him, or how much it reminded him of lying next to Jecht at nights, bodies flushed with the exertion of their love-making, the cool night air of Spira settling over them as they cuddled together, Jecht's arm tight around him as he'd lay his head on Jecht's shoulder and close his eyes in contentment, lulled to sleep by the low murmur of Jecht's voice whispering to him. Instead he tried to think of tame things, such as what Spira was possibly like now. It felt like forever since he'd last seen his home world, and he missed it terribly. The dream Zanarkand was nice in that there weren't ever truly bad things here, but it was still so strange and foreign. The many machines and technology here that Spira lacked made him all too aware of his status as an outsider, as one who didn't belong here. It was uncomfortable, being surrounded by all this, and sometimes he felt like he was being smothered by the tall buildings of Zanarkand when he had to go into the city. Out here on the houseboat, by the docks and the water, it was just tolerable so as to be liveable. But still, he missed Spira. He missed the fresh cool air of windy breezes on a cloudy day, missed the trees and the sun and the clouds and all of the greenness of the scenery that was Spira that Zanarkand lacked so obviously. There were few green things here that Auron had seen, and the clouds and stars and sky were so shrouded by the heavy pollution of a machine-based city that they might as well not have been there. Nor was the air fresh and wonderful to breath--it tasted stale, full of exhaust fumes and chemicals and pollution. He didn't understand how the people here could stand to breath it, except that he knew they knew no other air. But mostly what he missed about Spira was the familiarity. Despite all the hardships it held, despite the painful memories of his life gone horribly wrong in his last few weeks of being alive, despite Sin and prejudices and sorrow and fear.. despite all of that, it was home. His home. It was where he had belonged once, where he should have stayed to die, where he would have let himself die if not for the promises made to Braska and Jecht. Here, in Zanarkand, nothing was familiar and it never fully would be, no matter how long he ended up living here with Tidus. He could only hope that it wasn't too much longer, because he was old, and tired, and worn out with living on borrowed time.
Tidus shifted slightly next to him, muttering something in his sleep, jerking Auron painfully back to the present, to the here-and-now. He sighed, once more all too aware of the teenager next to him. He hadn't had the heart to tell Tidus he was too old to come and sleep with him now, nor did he have the heart to kick Tidus out of his bed, though it meant he wouldn't be getting any sleep for the rest of the night. He wouldn't let himself sleep, for he was too afraid of what he might do if he did. He was scared that one day he would wake up and Tidus would be next to him, used and broken. He didn't trust himself around Tidus.
Outside, the storm raged on, and Auron lay in bed, wide awake and afraid.
--x--
The next day seemed to give no hint of the storm that had ravaged the city so fiercely the night before. The sunlight made a rare presence, breaking through the clouds of pollution that hung over the city, spreading it's warmth and cheerfulness throughout Zanarkand.
Tidus himself seemed to be cheerful enough, the fear of the storm and his hurt at Auron's ambiguousness concerning Jecht forgotten. Or, more likely, Auron mused, he was hyped up about the blitz game today. Hyped up and nervous. Tidus had told him, repeated times over the week, that professionals would be hidden throughout the crowds at the game, scouting out the players and measuring their skills and talents. And Tidus desperately wanted to prove his worth. It was what he'd spent his entire life working towards--being the best blitzball star ever, better even than his father. Sometimes Auron wondered if he would have worked so hard for that goal if Jecht had never disappeared. In all likelihood, he thought not. Jecht probably would have eventually destroyed his confidence and eagerness over the years until Tidus was convinced that he was as worthless as he believed Jecht thought him.
"Auron are you coming to my game today? Huh, are ya? You are, right? You have to!"
Auron blinked at the sheer amount of energy Tidus was exhibiting. "Do you want me to?" he asked, though he already knew the answer to that. He was just merely stalling, trying to come up with an excuse not to go. Not that he didn't enjoy watching Tidus play, he just hated having to go to the school's stadium, being surrounded by so many cheering and competitive parents and students alike. Sometimes they were almost downright violent in the yells for their friends and kids.
Tidus grinned at him, trying to work out whether he should take Auron's question as a yes or not. "Yeah! Of course I want you there! Please say you'll come!" he begged, before shoveling another forkful of breakfast into his mouth.
"Well..." Auron cast around in his mind for an excuse, none forthcoming. He looked at Tidus, who was gazing at him in hopeful eagerness, eyes shining and face nothing but a wide grin. And he couldn't do it, couldn't break the boy's heart. "I'll be there."
"Yeah!" Tidus cheered ecstatically, jumping up to give his guardian a hug. "You're the best Auron!"
Auron clumsily hugged him back quickly, then gently pushed Tidus back away from him, trying not to let his feelings show on his face so clearly. Lust flared back up again, intensely, and he just as vehemently shoved it back down, swallowing hard, trying not to let himself realize just how badly he wanted the teenager standing before him, a slightly puzzled look on his face now at Auron's actions.
"You'll be late for school if you don't hurry," Auron reminded him.
"Huh? Right!" Tidus said, already racing down the hall to his room to get dressed. Auron shook his head. So easily distracted, Tidus was.
"GO RAMIE!"
"COME ON NINTHE YOU CAN DO IT!"
Auron winced, and fought the urge to rub his temples, where a rather painful headache was starting to announce its presence, loudly. God, he hated this. Blitzball fans in Spira surely weren't this bad, were they? He shifted away from an overzealous women sitting next to him, cheering wildly for her son, trying to make the gesture look more casual than it was. Of course, it didn't really help, because sitting on his other side was an equally fanatic mother, yelling and shouting and waving her arms about just as wildly.
Why had Tidus asked him to this, again? And why had he gone? He cursed his weakness for Jecht's son, and cursed Jecht for asking this of him.
"DON'T LET HIM GET THE BALL AEDEN!"
That did it. Standing, Auron carefully made his way from the seat and away from the stadium, stopping at the doorway to watch Tidus from there instead. Anywhere to get away from the overly-crazed mothers. The game was almost over anyways. Past halftime, and only two minutes left. Tidus' team was leading 5-2, and they currently had the ball. He watched as Tidus swam after some kid on his team, headed for the goal. Three kids from the opposing team surrounded the kid with the ball, and Tidus swam farther away, to give the kid a better chance to pass the ball. He did, tossing it with perfect accuracy in Tidus' direction. Someone else intercepted it, but he fumbled and Tidus was after the ball like a shot, snatching it up and swimming furiously to the end of the sphere, wanting to make a goal before the time ran out on them.
Much later, back at the houseboat, Tidus was still gloating over the spectacular shot he'd made. All his talk about the game was starting to get on Auron's nerves, but Auron refrained himself from telling Tidus to be quiet, knowing Tidus didn't mean anything by it. He was merely seeking approval, wanting to be reassured that he'd done well.
"Hey, you saw me, right Auron?"
"Of course," Auron replied absently, attention more on the book he was holding than on Tidus.
"It was a great shot, right?"
"Mmhmm."
"I bet it was much better than my old man ever did! Man, it was awesome! We killed the other team!" There was a pause, and then Tidus asked, in a much quieter voice, "Auron? Did you ever see Jecht play blitzball?"
Auron looked up sharply, mind flashing back briefly to that day on Besaid.. Jecht flying through the air as he performed what he always liked to call the Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III. "No," Auron said after a moment's hesitation which he prayed Tidus didn't notice. "I never saw him play."
Tidus frowned. "You don't sound sure about that.." A thought struck him. "Hey, does blitzball even exist where you come from?"
Auron sighed; this was going to be another endless round of Tidus' questions. "Yes, we had blitzball."
"Cool. Did'ja ever play it?"
Auron raised an eyebrow, looking at Tidus in disbelief. "Me? No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know, Tidus.." Auron said wearily.
"Oh." He ran a hand through blond strands, thinking. "Well, what's blitzball like there? Is it the same as here?"
"Well..." Auron paused to think, trying to recall Luca in his mind. He'd been to the city so little, and there had been no reason to stop in at Luca on Braska's journey. Probably the last time he'd seen the city was when he'd been Tidus' age. "There's only one blitzball stadium in the entire country. It's located in the middle of a city, and it's smaller than Zanarkand's, and great yearly tournaments are held there, with almost everybody coming from all over to go and watch the different teams compete. The rest of the year the teams spend practicing."
It had been the most Auron ever said at once, and the most ever about the place he'd lived in before Zanarkand. Tidus stared at him in something akin to awe. "Sounds neat," he managed to say at last. Auron almost smiled.
"Did you really never see Jecht play?" came the next question, some minutes later.
"Why do you want to know so bad?" Auron asked him, not really wanting to lie again.
"I dunno." Tidus shrugged and looked down, idly tracing the patterns in the fabric of the couch with his finger. "I just wanted to know."
Auron could hear the unspoken end of that sentence: how good I am compared to him. It had been the one thing Tidus had truly worked for since he was seven years old and barely able to kick a blitzball. He wanted to be better than Jecht, to prove that he wasn't as bad as Jecht thought him, to show Jecht that he could make something of himself, though Jecht would never be around to see it.
"Would it really make a difference, to know if you are better than Jecht or not?"
Tidus inhaled a sharp breath, jerking his head up quickly to look Auron in the eye before lowering his gaze again. "Yes! ...No. I don't know." He sounded lost and confused, and Auron's heart went out to him.
"Listen. How well Jecht could play blitzball has nothing to do with your skills. You've got your own talent, work on improving that without worrying about Jecht."
Tidus was silent, digesting this. "My own talent, huh?" he said, very softly. He looked back up at Auron, who was looking evenly at him. "Auron..."
At most, Auron expected him to say something along the lines of a thank you. It would have made him slightly uncomfortable, but he could accept it. He was, however, entirely not prepared for what Tidus did do next.
Tidus kissed him.
It was clumsy, and hesitant, a teenager's first kiss, shy and unsure. His nose bumped against Auron's, and he accidentally knocked Auron's dark glasses askew. But his mouth was soft as it pressed lightly against Auron's own rough lips, and for one wonderful moment it was heaven. Then Auron came back to his senses, shoving Tidus somewhat not-so-gently off of him.
"What," he asked with as much calmness as he could muster, "what are you doing?"
"I.." for some reason Tidus didn't look as scared as he should be. He looked smug, as if he knew something Auron didn't. "I want you," he said simply, the words as casual as if he'd said blitzball was a water sport, or he lived in a houseboat out by the docks.
Auron stared at him, brain trying to assimiliate those words and rearrange them so they made sense. He hardly dared to let himself believe that what Tidus was saying was true; rather, that Tidus really knew what he was saying. He stared, all his past fantasies flooded back to the front of his mind, unleashed by that one kiss that by rights could barely be called a real kiss at all, so inexperienced it had been. And he wanted Tidus, wanted to take him right there. And he knew that Tidus would let him. Knew that, if he were to do so, Tidus would let him undress him and run his hands all over that lithe, firm body, caressing the smooth skin he'd ached to touch for three years now. He knew Tidus would not protest as he explored every inch of his body with his hands and tongue, that Tidus would only moan and gasp his name when he entered him. But--he could not. He could not. "Tidus."
Tidus was only looking at him, waiting patiently. Auron went on. "Tidus, no. You.. I cannot, it's-" Yevon give me strength, he thought.
"Why not?" Tidus asked. "I know you want me too. I could tell."
Had he really been so obvious? "Tidus, it's wrong."
Tidus furrowed his brow in confusion. "Why? I want you and you want me, what's wrong about that? I don't get it. You're not my parent."
Auron put a finger to his forehead, rubbing gently. "Tidus, you're only fifteen years old. You can't possibly know what you want." He ignored the boy's scowl and spoke over Tidus' protest of 'but I do!' "I'm almost twice your age. I'm your guardian, I have to look out for you and do what's best for you." And there's my relationship with Jecht.
"Yeah, but- I mean, it's not like you're related to me or anything. So why does it matter?"
"Tidus--no. It's not debatable. I'm sorry."
He stared at Auron a moment, then slid off the couch and disappeared out of the room without another word. Auron watched him go, still hardly believing he'd just had that conversation. Hating that he'd hurt Tidus but knowing there was nothing else to do. He knew Tidus would be in his room, crying. He yearned to go after him, to apologize and then give in to his desire, their desire. He wanted to sleep with the boy, wanted to so much that it was a physical ache, there in his chest. But he couldn't, wouldn't, for far too many reasons than he cared to think about.
--x-
The next few days were slightly awkward, though they seemed to be more so for Auron than for Tidus. Tidus seemed to be able to act as if nothing had happened between them, or that it didn't really matter. Auron couldn't brush it aside so easily; his thoughts were consumed once more with wanting Tidus, fantasizing about taking Tidus, initiating him into a world that was adult by nature. Tidus seemed to know what he was thinking, he'd give his guardian odd little smiles at times; other times he'd be so purposely provocative that Auron's entire body would tense up with want, barely able to hold himself from jumping on Tidus and having him right there. Auron almost felt like the teenager he'd never really been, thoughts focused on sex twenty-four-seven.
He was ashamed to think he'd actually considered it, too. Had considered forgetting about what was right or wrong and just giving in to what his body wanted. It had been so long--eight years--and he was terribly lonely, Jecht was far away and all he could think about was this boy, Tidus, and how he wanted him, and it tore at him, to want so fiercely and know he couldn't have him, not because Tidus wasn't willing but because it wasn't right, would never be right no matter how he tried to justify it to himself--
He restrained himself though, keeping his distance from Tidus more than usual, avoiding the blond whenever possible. It wasn't really all that hard, Tidus was so busy with school and blitz practice that he wouldn't get home until it was dark. Then he'd eat, shower, do his homework and go to bed, wake up and repeat it all over again. Auron mostly just stayed out of his way, cooking dinner for him and then disappearing outside to practice with his sword, wanting to stay in form even if he never made it back to Spira. If he could have, he would have moved out of the houseboat, though it would have hurt Tidus more than words ever could. But he didn't, not because he couldn't stand to live in the city (though he couldn't), but because he didn't have the money to live on his own. All the money they'd been living on these years came from what Jecht had left behind, and what bit Tidus' mother had put away before her death. And occasionally Tidus would win money in blitz tournaments. It was enough to keep them going comfortably. Soon, though, Tidus would be playing professionally, earning his own money. Perhaps then Auron would move out. He knew it was really for the best.
He brought his sword down again, swinging heavily, the air around it whistling with the weight and force of his downward swing. He tensed suddenly, sensing Tidus behind him, standing there and looking at him. "What is it, boy?" he asked without turning around.
"Just watching," came the quiet reply.
Auron just grunted. He set his sword down, gently, on the ground, no longer able to concentrate with Tidus so near. He felt Tidus come up next to him, sitting down at the edge of the dock, letting his feet dangle over the side and in the water. He moved them in lazy circles, watching the water swirl around, lapping at his toes. After a moment's pause, Auron sat down stiffly next to him, knowing he shouldn't, knowing he was only playing with fire in letting himself remain so near this boy.
"That's really cool, you know?" Tidus asked softly. His fingers found some stray rope left behind, and started playing with it, looping it absently around his hand before moving to unloop it again, repeating the gesture as he talked.
"What is?"
"You, with that sword and all.. I wish I could do something like that. It's neat." The words themselves were cheerful enough, but the tone of Tidus' voice sounded subdued, putting Auron on his guard.
"Well thanks," Auron said somewhat dryly, not knowing what else to say. He hated compliments. Always had. It had been one of the things Jecht had always liked about him... No. He wouldn't go there. Not tonight. Not with Jecht's son sitting so near him.
The rope dropped to the ground, forgotten. "Auron, I--" He stopped, swallowed, looking away though Auron hadn't been looking at him. "Look, can you at least tell me why not?" he spoke roughly, voice harsh.
Auron sighed. "Tidus, you're fifteen. You're still just a kid. You're too young to be ready for that at all, much less with me. And you're not really old enough to know what you want."
"I do, though. Auron. I want you. It doesn't really have anything to do with love... I'm not stupid enough to think something like that. But I know that I want you. I think about it, about you, all the time. I imagine-"
"Stop," Auron said, glad the darkness would hide the heat he felt spreading across his face. "Stop it, Tidus. You don't know what you're saying."
"Yes I do," Tidus insisted with all the same stubbornness Auron had seen in Jecht, time after time. "Even if it's just one time, I want it. I want you to-" he stopped again, still young so that phrases like 'sleep with me' had the power to embarrass him, make him blush. "Well, you know," he finished up lamely, the heat in his voice lost in the rush of inadequacy he felt.
And again he considered it, telling himself--it couldn't be so wrong, really, could it? Could it? This is the question he had, and the answer he did not know. It is the answer he wanted most to know, and would never know, not even if he selfishly satisfied his passion, regardless of what he thought he knew to be best for Tidus. This was the lack of control, slipping in his mind as he stared at Tidus without once looking at him, wanting to know. Daring to hope he could convince himself. Despairing to know he would never forgive himself for it. For even thinking of it, for one brief moment.
"Auron..."
And at last he gave in. He turned towards the boy, the damnable boy who was so much like Jecht that it was torture on his mind. He faced him, and he put his hands on Tidus' shoulders, gripping them tightly, leaning in to press his lips forcefully against Tidus', bruising them almost, some small part of his mind hoping that the intensity of his want, his need, would scare Tidus off, and Tidus would say no, would say he'd changed his mind. But he knew even then it would be too late, for he was kissing Tidus, kissing him as if he was the only thing that mattered in this world, out here on the docks by the water, the air slightly fresher than anywhere else in Zanarkand; he knew that if Tidus were to say stop he would not, for Tidus had pushed, and Tidus had pleaded, and Auron's self-control had shattered. But he knew, too, that Tidus would not utter such a word, for Tidus' hands had, rather hesitantly, snaked up to wrap around Auron's neck as he kissed his guardian back tentatively, anxious and slightly scared.
Auron took him there, out on the docks in the darkness, the air gliding over their naked bodies as gently as Auron's fingers glided over the smooth skin he'd longed to touch for three painful years. He took him, murmuring words of comfort to Tidus as the boy cried out softly in confused fright, unused to his body's reactions, having never experienced anything remotely like this before. And still Tidus did not say stop, and so Auron did not, entering him slowly, doing his best to soothe the boy beneath him, taking care to hurt him as little as possible. Auron took him, and when it was over, Tidus lying on his back on the dock, body shuddering all over and breath harsh and shaky, looking up at the man above him almost wonderingly, he was ashamed.
end chapter one
chapter two
Final Fantasy 10 - R - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8087 - Updated: 03-11-05 - Published: 03-11-05
Disclaimer: Squaresoft's, yo.
Horizon Road
by:butterflie
chapter one : [reckless abandon]
He was staring again.
The realization hit him with a sudden pang, and he swore softly, frustrated at himself. The swear caught the attention of the subject of his stare, and a blond head jerked up, a faintly curious look on his face.
"You say somethin' Auron?" Tidus asked, blinking innocently, having no idea that he was being watched so intently only moments before.
Auron just shook his head, turning away from Tidus and trying to focus his attention once more on the papers before him. Tidus just shrugged and went back to scribbling in his notebook, working on the latest essay assignment he'd received.
Dammit. One of these days Tidus was going to catch him staring, and given his inquisitive nature, start asking a bunch of questions, and then--
No way. Auron would rather die, again, before letting Tidus find out that he-- He felt his face heat up, ever so slightly, and he swallowed, staring down hard at the table, willing it to go away. What was wrong with him? How could he have let himself get attracted to Jecht's son? It was madness, it was--
Utter insanity. Tidus was just fifteen, still a boy for Yevon's sake. Never mind that he was physically filling out a lot faster than his friends, never mind that he had skin so tan and smooth, practically begging to be caressed, never mind that he had eyes as blue as the oceans of Spira, eyes that sparkled and shone with laughter when he was happy. Never mind the fact that his bleached blond hair, tinged with darker brownish strands that had been kissed by the sun and with just a hint of the original red shining through, looked so fine and silky that Auron longed to run his hands through it every time he looked at Tidus. Never mind that his slender frame was starting to take on a slightly muscular build from years of blitzing, never mind that--
He looked like Jecht. That was what fascinated Auron most about him, that Tidus and Jecht could be so different and still so alike. Not so much in physical looks, though there was something in his face and the frame of his body that just barely hinted at the man who had sired him. No, it was in his movements, the way Tidus moved throughout the world with such fluid grace and confidence, so sure of himself that he could do no wrong. It was there in the way he played blitzball. Auron had watched Jecht, once, when they'd stopped in Besaid and Jecht had been unable to resist showing off a few of his moves to the locals. Jecht had been all speed and elegance and dexterity, attitude cocky but almost childlike in its cheerfulness as he'd jumped in the air after the blitzball he'd flung up so carelessly. It had about taken Auron's breath away, to see the man who always swaggered and stumbled around clumsily in a drunken stupor, and whose movements in battle were sometimes sluggish and ungainly at times; it took Auron's breath away to see this Jecht who was suddenly an entirely different person, one he hadn't known at all. One he hadn't thought existed.
Tidus was like that. He'd inherited his father's skills in blitzball, and it showed in every practice, every game he played. Auron had watched him often, and he was only reminded more and more of Jecht as Tidus played. It was what had originally drawn him to his young charge, that startling resemblance to Jecht, even if it hurt every time he looked at Tidus and was forced to see Jecht. It hadn't been quite so obvious when Tidus was younger of course, but it slowly became more and more evident as Tidus grew up, got older.
Furtively, he slid his eye back over to the blond on the couch, hunched over his notebook, pencil flying furiously as he wrote, face furrowed in concentration. He paused for a moment, lifting the pencil to his mouth to absently chew on it, then gave the notebook an angry scowl. Auron had seen that same scowl on Jecht a few times over the course of their pilgrimage. Usually when Auron refused to do something he wanted..
"Is something wrong?"
"Huh?" He jerked, startled out of his sorrowful reminiscing by the sound of Tidus' voice. Shit. He'd been staring again.
"Is something wrong?" Tidus repeated. "You were looking at me funny.."
Another of those head shakes. "Sorry." He didn't bother to explain, to give an excuse for staring at Tidus. There really wasn't any.
Tidus paused. "Okay," he said at last, sounding as if it wasn't okay with him at all.
Auron had to resist the urge to groan.
--x--
"You're wet."
"Well, duh." Tidus grinned. "It's raining out there. Rain generally gets a person wet." He shook his head, flinging blond hair this way and that and sending droplets of rain water flying all over everything--including Auron.
Auron scowled at him, not pleased in the least, but Tidus only grinned again. "I'm going to go shower. Hope this storm stops soon.."
Auron couldn't help but notice the bit of nervousness he heard in Tidus' last statement, and he watched as Tidus headed down the hall to the bathroom, dripping water the entire way. He frowned. For as long as Auron had been in Zanarkand, Tidus had always been afraid of thunderstorms. Never having been around kids before, with the exception of little Yuna for about a month or so, Auron had assumed this fear of storms was something most kids had, and easily outgrew as they got older. Certainly he couldn't remember being afraid of storms as a child. But to his surprise, Tidus hadn't outgrown it. He no longer came into Auron's room in the middle of the night to huddle under the covers during a storm, and he no longer cried when loud claps of thunder shook the houseboat, but they still made him nervous and jumpy. They still scared him. Oh, he'd tried to hide it from Auron, acting as if nothing bothered him when dark clouds would start gathering in the sky, pretending the thunder and lightning and harsh winds of storms didn't make him jump with fright. Auron didn't understand what was behind this inexplicable fright, nor did he ever bother to ask. He only reacted, to those rare times when Tidus came to him for comfort.
It was still something he found strange. Him, Auron, comforting someone. A child, no less. Jecht's son. The absurdity of it all never failed to amaze him. Jecht had accused him of being heartless and unfeeling once, in the beginning. Auron couldn't remember what he'd been talking about--something to do with Zanarkand, or his kid, most likely--but it had irritated him no end. He'd cut off the man midsentence, telling him to shut up because nobody cared. Entirely unlike him, but he'd said it anyways. Jecht hadn't taken it too well, not used to being interrupted.
Another thing Tidus had in common with Jecht, now that he thought about it. They both liked to talk and talk and talk, if you'd let them. And you better have a very good excuse for interrupting. It used to drive Auron crazy, the way Tidus had constantly wanted to talk at him when he'd first come to Zanarkand. Even though Tidus professed not to like "the tall scary funny dressed man" very much, he'd still just ramble on about almost anything to Auron, never really caring whether Auron was listening or not. And Auron hadn't been listening, not at first. Then the boy's mother had died, and Tidus had talked more than ever, cheerful even, as if his mother's death had meant nothing to him. Eventually Auron realized Tidus was talking not because he particularly wanted you to know what he was saying, but because he was lonely. Because he couldn't stand the silence, and had to fill it in, even if he didn't realize that's what he was doing. And so, gradually, Auron had started listening and responding. Suddenly, he found he was less annoyed with Tidus' idle prater once he actually listened. It was almost.. nice, to have something to focus his attention on and not have to think about the things he regretted, all the mistakes he'd left behind in Spira. Tidus also talked about Jecht sometimes, though not often and the memories were tinged with resentment and anger at the father who had treated him so poorly.
There were often questions, too. Tidus wanted to know so much--about Auron, about where he came from, about why he was so old, about where he got the scar, about why he wore funny clothes, about his glasses, about how he knew Jecht, about what happened to Jecht... the questions went on and on, day after day after day, never-ending it seemed. He never knew how to answer any of them, not sure how much a nine year old was actually really interested in any of those answers, or if he was asking just to be asking. So he'd make weak excuses, or tell the poor child it was none of his business, or that it was rude to ask, and more often than not Tidus would get an affronted look on his face, he'd let out a huff and scrunch up his face in what he considered an intimidating glare, all the while trying to hold back tears of disappointment and hurt at Auron's gruffly spoken words. But he kept asking, over and over again, and talking to Auron.
A loud, angry curse filtered out from the bathroom where the shower had just shut off. Auron raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised. Not at the curse itself, he'd heard much worse from his own mouth, but that Tidus had said it at all. Tidus wasn't usually given to use such words. In fact, he frowned half the time when Auron would mutter such curses to himself. Perhaps they were too painful a reminder of a brash, drunken father whose way of showing affection was insulting the son he cared for.
He half considered getting up and going to see if Tidus was okay; that would indicate concern on his part though, and he tried to do that as little as possible, hoping that perhaps if he kept enough distance he wouldn't be as attracted to Tidus as he already was. He took the easier option--it was much easier to stay seated on the couch staring moodily at the wall; he left Tidus alone.
But oh, how it never seemed to matter. No matter how much distance he put between himself and Tidus, it was always there--that steadily growing lust, burning a fire low down in his stomach and making him ache with desire whenever he looked at Tidus. It was maddening, it was shaming, but it existed. He wanted Tidus, wanted him fiercely, fantasizing daydreams that left him seized with guilt and a sense of betrayal to Jecht. He'd told himself, had sworn, that he wouldn't want anyone other than Jecht. Certainly he hadn't come to Zanarkand expecting to start up a relationship with some random person who wasn't even real--it should have been easy. Grieving over Braska's death and Jecht's becoming Sin, who would even want to think about romance, especially when one has just lost a lover and met with his own death all in the course of a few days? But he hadn't counted on Tidus, hadn't counted on that gangly, clumsy little boy to grow into such a resemblance of Jecht that Auron was sometimes convinced he was looking at Jecht when he'd been a kid himself.
Why had he made that damn promise to Jecht anyways? The last thing he'd wanted was to get saddled raising some emotional kid that wasn't even his own--
"You should try smiling once in awhile. You might like it."
Auron grunted, and looked up to retort something, but whatever he'd planned to say got lost in the rush of desire and the quick breath he sucked in as Tidus stood in front of him. He was practically naked, in nothing but a pair of sleeping shorts he'd outgrown two years back but couldn't bring himself to get rid of. His body was still wet from the shower he'd just taken, Auron could see the drops of water glistening on all that tan skin as the lights hit his body just so. He was standing there nonchalantly in the doorway to the living room, a towel over his wet hair, rubbing vigourously. The only word Auron could find to describe the teenager before him was stunning.
And immediately the shame and guilt and betrayal washed over him again, and he looked away, silently cursing himself once more, because really, he shouldn't be feeling this way about a fifteen year old, it wasn't right, and there was his relationship with Jecht to think about...
But he couldn't seem to help it. Jecht was faraway, and Jecht was.. Jecht was dead, for all intents and purposes. Jecht was Sin, and Jecht would never be Jecht again, and he would be killed for the next Calm, and Auron would never get to feel Jecht's warm body pressing against his again. And yet Tidus was here, alive as a dream could be alive. And he couldn't stop wanting.
"Auron? Man, what's with you... you keep spacing out."
"Just thinking.." Auron said quietly, only half paying attention to the conversation.
"'Bout what?" Tidus finished toweling his hair and tossed his towel back into the hallway, typical teenager. He came up behind Auron sitting on the couch, leaning down and wrapping his long arms around Auron's neck.
Auron tensed, and moved away from Tidus' well-meaning embrace, uncomfortable with any kind of contact from Tidus. "It's nothing," he said, not wanting to open up to Tidus. Not even sure that he knew how to open up about his thoughts anymore, he so rarely did anymore. The last person he'd even trusted to talk openly with the slightest bit had been... Jecht. Eight years ago. It felt longer. It felt like a century. Or an eon.
"You're thinking about Jecht, aren't you."
"......No."
"Liar." Tidus came around the side of the couch, stopping when he was standing in front of Auron, looking down slightly at him. "Why won't you ever talk about my old man? How did you meet him, really? And what happened to him? I just want to know.."
He looked away from the boy in front of him, guilt crashing over him in waves at the pain he could hear in Tidus' voice. "When you're older," he said.
"That's what you always say!" Tidus said, exploding in anger. Auron actually winced. "So tell me Auron, when am I going to be older? When am I finally going to be old enough for you to tell me the truth about my old man? Because at the rate you tell me things now, I'll never be old enough!"
"I'm sorry." He felt like a jerk, being this way to Tidus. But he couldn't very well tell the truth to Tidus yet. Even if Tidus felt he could handle it, even if he thought he was old enough--well, he just didn't know how to explain it. Nor did he think Tidus would believe the truth if he told him.
"I..." The blond lowered his head, shoulders slumping in defeat, knowing that once again he wouldn't be getting the truth out of Auron. "I just wish I knew what happened to him.. It hurts, not knowing whether he's really dead or not, not knowing where he's at and what he's doing..."
It was the most Auron had ever heard Tidus say about his father, and the guilt continued to prick at him. "Tidus-"
"It doesn't seem fair, that you get to know what happened, and that I don't." Tidus still wouldn't look at him. Auron knew the boy was crying. Remorseful, he almost reached out to pull Tidus close and hug him, to let his actions say what his words could not. But he thought better of it then; even if it was just comfort, it would be too much. He was afraid to touch Tidus, afraid that one day he wouldn't be able to hold back and what he felt would breach the surface, his control gone and Tidus beneath him--
It was not a pleasant thought to have, to think he might actually one day be capable of hurting Jecht's son in such a way. It made him sick, and afraid, and so he tried to keep to himself as much as possible.
Perhaps Tidus unconsciously sensed what Auron was thinking; he backed away slightly, swiping a hand at his eyes in embarrassment, still not looking up at his guardian. "Sorry," he muttered.
"It's fine. Are you hungry?" Auron asked, deliberately changing the subject, hoping to distract Tidus from Jecht and dispel the sudden awkwardness that seemed to have settled over them.
"Yeah!" Tidus looked up at last, a small grin starting to make its way across his face. "Can we have pizza?"
"Sure." Auron allowed himself a small smile, and the previous conversation was forgotten.
The storm worsened later on that night, a particularly deafening clap of thunder waking Tidus and sending him scurrying toward his guardian's room in fright.
Auron had been sleeping easily through the storm, but the creaking of the bedroom door woke him. He opened his eye, looking towards the doorway though he was pretty sure he knew what he'd see, and sure enough, Tidus was standing in the doorway, a silhouette just backlit from the moonlight sneaking in through the window of Auron's room. He remained motionless for some moments, apparently trying to determine whether Auron was awake or asleep. Auron sighed. "It's okay Tidus. Come on," and Tidus continued into the room, tentatively standing next to Auron's bed. He shifted over, making plenty of room for the teen, and Tidus got in next to him, cuddling up next to him, at last able to sleep.
Auron lay very still in bed, trying hard not to think about the warm soft body pressing up against him, or how much it reminded him of lying next to Jecht at nights, bodies flushed with the exertion of their love-making, the cool night air of Spira settling over them as they cuddled together, Jecht's arm tight around him as he'd lay his head on Jecht's shoulder and close his eyes in contentment, lulled to sleep by the low murmur of Jecht's voice whispering to him. Instead he tried to think of tame things, such as what Spira was possibly like now. It felt like forever since he'd last seen his home world, and he missed it terribly. The dream Zanarkand was nice in that there weren't ever truly bad things here, but it was still so strange and foreign. The many machines and technology here that Spira lacked made him all too aware of his status as an outsider, as one who didn't belong here. It was uncomfortable, being surrounded by all this, and sometimes he felt like he was being smothered by the tall buildings of Zanarkand when he had to go into the city. Out here on the houseboat, by the docks and the water, it was just tolerable so as to be liveable. But still, he missed Spira. He missed the fresh cool air of windy breezes on a cloudy day, missed the trees and the sun and the clouds and all of the greenness of the scenery that was Spira that Zanarkand lacked so obviously. There were few green things here that Auron had seen, and the clouds and stars and sky were so shrouded by the heavy pollution of a machine-based city that they might as well not have been there. Nor was the air fresh and wonderful to breath--it tasted stale, full of exhaust fumes and chemicals and pollution. He didn't understand how the people here could stand to breath it, except that he knew they knew no other air. But mostly what he missed about Spira was the familiarity. Despite all the hardships it held, despite the painful memories of his life gone horribly wrong in his last few weeks of being alive, despite Sin and prejudices and sorrow and fear.. despite all of that, it was home. His home. It was where he had belonged once, where he should have stayed to die, where he would have let himself die if not for the promises made to Braska and Jecht. Here, in Zanarkand, nothing was familiar and it never fully would be, no matter how long he ended up living here with Tidus. He could only hope that it wasn't too much longer, because he was old, and tired, and worn out with living on borrowed time.
Tidus shifted slightly next to him, muttering something in his sleep, jerking Auron painfully back to the present, to the here-and-now. He sighed, once more all too aware of the teenager next to him. He hadn't had the heart to tell Tidus he was too old to come and sleep with him now, nor did he have the heart to kick Tidus out of his bed, though it meant he wouldn't be getting any sleep for the rest of the night. He wouldn't let himself sleep, for he was too afraid of what he might do if he did. He was scared that one day he would wake up and Tidus would be next to him, used and broken. He didn't trust himself around Tidus.
Outside, the storm raged on, and Auron lay in bed, wide awake and afraid.
--x--
The next day seemed to give no hint of the storm that had ravaged the city so fiercely the night before. The sunlight made a rare presence, breaking through the clouds of pollution that hung over the city, spreading it's warmth and cheerfulness throughout Zanarkand.
Tidus himself seemed to be cheerful enough, the fear of the storm and his hurt at Auron's ambiguousness concerning Jecht forgotten. Or, more likely, Auron mused, he was hyped up about the blitz game today. Hyped up and nervous. Tidus had told him, repeated times over the week, that professionals would be hidden throughout the crowds at the game, scouting out the players and measuring their skills and talents. And Tidus desperately wanted to prove his worth. It was what he'd spent his entire life working towards--being the best blitzball star ever, better even than his father. Sometimes Auron wondered if he would have worked so hard for that goal if Jecht had never disappeared. In all likelihood, he thought not. Jecht probably would have eventually destroyed his confidence and eagerness over the years until Tidus was convinced that he was as worthless as he believed Jecht thought him.
"Auron are you coming to my game today? Huh, are ya? You are, right? You have to!"
Auron blinked at the sheer amount of energy Tidus was exhibiting. "Do you want me to?" he asked, though he already knew the answer to that. He was just merely stalling, trying to come up with an excuse not to go. Not that he didn't enjoy watching Tidus play, he just hated having to go to the school's stadium, being surrounded by so many cheering and competitive parents and students alike. Sometimes they were almost downright violent in the yells for their friends and kids.
Tidus grinned at him, trying to work out whether he should take Auron's question as a yes or not. "Yeah! Of course I want you there! Please say you'll come!" he begged, before shoveling another forkful of breakfast into his mouth.
"Well..." Auron cast around in his mind for an excuse, none forthcoming. He looked at Tidus, who was gazing at him in hopeful eagerness, eyes shining and face nothing but a wide grin. And he couldn't do it, couldn't break the boy's heart. "I'll be there."
"Yeah!" Tidus cheered ecstatically, jumping up to give his guardian a hug. "You're the best Auron!"
Auron clumsily hugged him back quickly, then gently pushed Tidus back away from him, trying not to let his feelings show on his face so clearly. Lust flared back up again, intensely, and he just as vehemently shoved it back down, swallowing hard, trying not to let himself realize just how badly he wanted the teenager standing before him, a slightly puzzled look on his face now at Auron's actions.
"You'll be late for school if you don't hurry," Auron reminded him.
"Huh? Right!" Tidus said, already racing down the hall to his room to get dressed. Auron shook his head. So easily distracted, Tidus was.
"GO RAMIE!"
"COME ON NINTHE YOU CAN DO IT!"
Auron winced, and fought the urge to rub his temples, where a rather painful headache was starting to announce its presence, loudly. God, he hated this. Blitzball fans in Spira surely weren't this bad, were they? He shifted away from an overzealous women sitting next to him, cheering wildly for her son, trying to make the gesture look more casual than it was. Of course, it didn't really help, because sitting on his other side was an equally fanatic mother, yelling and shouting and waving her arms about just as wildly.
Why had Tidus asked him to this, again? And why had he gone? He cursed his weakness for Jecht's son, and cursed Jecht for asking this of him.
"DON'T LET HIM GET THE BALL AEDEN!"
That did it. Standing, Auron carefully made his way from the seat and away from the stadium, stopping at the doorway to watch Tidus from there instead. Anywhere to get away from the overly-crazed mothers. The game was almost over anyways. Past halftime, and only two minutes left. Tidus' team was leading 5-2, and they currently had the ball. He watched as Tidus swam after some kid on his team, headed for the goal. Three kids from the opposing team surrounded the kid with the ball, and Tidus swam farther away, to give the kid a better chance to pass the ball. He did, tossing it with perfect accuracy in Tidus' direction. Someone else intercepted it, but he fumbled and Tidus was after the ball like a shot, snatching it up and swimming furiously to the end of the sphere, wanting to make a goal before the time ran out on them.
Much later, back at the houseboat, Tidus was still gloating over the spectacular shot he'd made. All his talk about the game was starting to get on Auron's nerves, but Auron refrained himself from telling Tidus to be quiet, knowing Tidus didn't mean anything by it. He was merely seeking approval, wanting to be reassured that he'd done well.
"Hey, you saw me, right Auron?"
"Of course," Auron replied absently, attention more on the book he was holding than on Tidus.
"It was a great shot, right?"
"Mmhmm."
"I bet it was much better than my old man ever did! Man, it was awesome! We killed the other team!" There was a pause, and then Tidus asked, in a much quieter voice, "Auron? Did you ever see Jecht play blitzball?"
Auron looked up sharply, mind flashing back briefly to that day on Besaid.. Jecht flying through the air as he performed what he always liked to call the Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III. "No," Auron said after a moment's hesitation which he prayed Tidus didn't notice. "I never saw him play."
Tidus frowned. "You don't sound sure about that.." A thought struck him. "Hey, does blitzball even exist where you come from?"
Auron sighed; this was going to be another endless round of Tidus' questions. "Yes, we had blitzball."
"Cool. Did'ja ever play it?"
Auron raised an eyebrow, looking at Tidus in disbelief. "Me? No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know, Tidus.." Auron said wearily.
"Oh." He ran a hand through blond strands, thinking. "Well, what's blitzball like there? Is it the same as here?"
"Well..." Auron paused to think, trying to recall Luca in his mind. He'd been to the city so little, and there had been no reason to stop in at Luca on Braska's journey. Probably the last time he'd seen the city was when he'd been Tidus' age. "There's only one blitzball stadium in the entire country. It's located in the middle of a city, and it's smaller than Zanarkand's, and great yearly tournaments are held there, with almost everybody coming from all over to go and watch the different teams compete. The rest of the year the teams spend practicing."
It had been the most Auron ever said at once, and the most ever about the place he'd lived in before Zanarkand. Tidus stared at him in something akin to awe. "Sounds neat," he managed to say at last. Auron almost smiled.
"Did you really never see Jecht play?" came the next question, some minutes later.
"Why do you want to know so bad?" Auron asked him, not really wanting to lie again.
"I dunno." Tidus shrugged and looked down, idly tracing the patterns in the fabric of the couch with his finger. "I just wanted to know."
Auron could hear the unspoken end of that sentence: how good I am compared to him. It had been the one thing Tidus had truly worked for since he was seven years old and barely able to kick a blitzball. He wanted to be better than Jecht, to prove that he wasn't as bad as Jecht thought him, to show Jecht that he could make something of himself, though Jecht would never be around to see it.
"Would it really make a difference, to know if you are better than Jecht or not?"
Tidus inhaled a sharp breath, jerking his head up quickly to look Auron in the eye before lowering his gaze again. "Yes! ...No. I don't know." He sounded lost and confused, and Auron's heart went out to him.
"Listen. How well Jecht could play blitzball has nothing to do with your skills. You've got your own talent, work on improving that without worrying about Jecht."
Tidus was silent, digesting this. "My own talent, huh?" he said, very softly. He looked back up at Auron, who was looking evenly at him. "Auron..."
At most, Auron expected him to say something along the lines of a thank you. It would have made him slightly uncomfortable, but he could accept it. He was, however, entirely not prepared for what Tidus did do next.
Tidus kissed him.
It was clumsy, and hesitant, a teenager's first kiss, shy and unsure. His nose bumped against Auron's, and he accidentally knocked Auron's dark glasses askew. But his mouth was soft as it pressed lightly against Auron's own rough lips, and for one wonderful moment it was heaven. Then Auron came back to his senses, shoving Tidus somewhat not-so-gently off of him.
"What," he asked with as much calmness as he could muster, "what are you doing?"
"I.." for some reason Tidus didn't look as scared as he should be. He looked smug, as if he knew something Auron didn't. "I want you," he said simply, the words as casual as if he'd said blitzball was a water sport, or he lived in a houseboat out by the docks.
Auron stared at him, brain trying to assimiliate those words and rearrange them so they made sense. He hardly dared to let himself believe that what Tidus was saying was true; rather, that Tidus really knew what he was saying. He stared, all his past fantasies flooded back to the front of his mind, unleashed by that one kiss that by rights could barely be called a real kiss at all, so inexperienced it had been. And he wanted Tidus, wanted to take him right there. And he knew that Tidus would let him. Knew that, if he were to do so, Tidus would let him undress him and run his hands all over that lithe, firm body, caressing the smooth skin he'd ached to touch for three years now. He knew Tidus would not protest as he explored every inch of his body with his hands and tongue, that Tidus would only moan and gasp his name when he entered him. But--he could not. He could not. "Tidus."
Tidus was only looking at him, waiting patiently. Auron went on. "Tidus, no. You.. I cannot, it's-" Yevon give me strength, he thought.
"Why not?" Tidus asked. "I know you want me too. I could tell."
Had he really been so obvious? "Tidus, it's wrong."
Tidus furrowed his brow in confusion. "Why? I want you and you want me, what's wrong about that? I don't get it. You're not my parent."
Auron put a finger to his forehead, rubbing gently. "Tidus, you're only fifteen years old. You can't possibly know what you want." He ignored the boy's scowl and spoke over Tidus' protest of 'but I do!' "I'm almost twice your age. I'm your guardian, I have to look out for you and do what's best for you." And there's my relationship with Jecht.
"Yeah, but- I mean, it's not like you're related to me or anything. So why does it matter?"
"Tidus--no. It's not debatable. I'm sorry."
He stared at Auron a moment, then slid off the couch and disappeared out of the room without another word. Auron watched him go, still hardly believing he'd just had that conversation. Hating that he'd hurt Tidus but knowing there was nothing else to do. He knew Tidus would be in his room, crying. He yearned to go after him, to apologize and then give in to his desire, their desire. He wanted to sleep with the boy, wanted to so much that it was a physical ache, there in his chest. But he couldn't, wouldn't, for far too many reasons than he cared to think about.
--x-
The next few days were slightly awkward, though they seemed to be more so for Auron than for Tidus. Tidus seemed to be able to act as if nothing had happened between them, or that it didn't really matter. Auron couldn't brush it aside so easily; his thoughts were consumed once more with wanting Tidus, fantasizing about taking Tidus, initiating him into a world that was adult by nature. Tidus seemed to know what he was thinking, he'd give his guardian odd little smiles at times; other times he'd be so purposely provocative that Auron's entire body would tense up with want, barely able to hold himself from jumping on Tidus and having him right there. Auron almost felt like the teenager he'd never really been, thoughts focused on sex twenty-four-seven.
He was ashamed to think he'd actually considered it, too. Had considered forgetting about what was right or wrong and just giving in to what his body wanted. It had been so long--eight years--and he was terribly lonely, Jecht was far away and all he could think about was this boy, Tidus, and how he wanted him, and it tore at him, to want so fiercely and know he couldn't have him, not because Tidus wasn't willing but because it wasn't right, would never be right no matter how he tried to justify it to himself--
He restrained himself though, keeping his distance from Tidus more than usual, avoiding the blond whenever possible. It wasn't really all that hard, Tidus was so busy with school and blitz practice that he wouldn't get home until it was dark. Then he'd eat, shower, do his homework and go to bed, wake up and repeat it all over again. Auron mostly just stayed out of his way, cooking dinner for him and then disappearing outside to practice with his sword, wanting to stay in form even if he never made it back to Spira. If he could have, he would have moved out of the houseboat, though it would have hurt Tidus more than words ever could. But he didn't, not because he couldn't stand to live in the city (though he couldn't), but because he didn't have the money to live on his own. All the money they'd been living on these years came from what Jecht had left behind, and what bit Tidus' mother had put away before her death. And occasionally Tidus would win money in blitz tournaments. It was enough to keep them going comfortably. Soon, though, Tidus would be playing professionally, earning his own money. Perhaps then Auron would move out. He knew it was really for the best.
He brought his sword down again, swinging heavily, the air around it whistling with the weight and force of his downward swing. He tensed suddenly, sensing Tidus behind him, standing there and looking at him. "What is it, boy?" he asked without turning around.
"Just watching," came the quiet reply.
Auron just grunted. He set his sword down, gently, on the ground, no longer able to concentrate with Tidus so near. He felt Tidus come up next to him, sitting down at the edge of the dock, letting his feet dangle over the side and in the water. He moved them in lazy circles, watching the water swirl around, lapping at his toes. After a moment's pause, Auron sat down stiffly next to him, knowing he shouldn't, knowing he was only playing with fire in letting himself remain so near this boy.
"That's really cool, you know?" Tidus asked softly. His fingers found some stray rope left behind, and started playing with it, looping it absently around his hand before moving to unloop it again, repeating the gesture as he talked.
"What is?"
"You, with that sword and all.. I wish I could do something like that. It's neat." The words themselves were cheerful enough, but the tone of Tidus' voice sounded subdued, putting Auron on his guard.
"Well thanks," Auron said somewhat dryly, not knowing what else to say. He hated compliments. Always had. It had been one of the things Jecht had always liked about him... No. He wouldn't go there. Not tonight. Not with Jecht's son sitting so near him.
The rope dropped to the ground, forgotten. "Auron, I--" He stopped, swallowed, looking away though Auron hadn't been looking at him. "Look, can you at least tell me why not?" he spoke roughly, voice harsh.
Auron sighed. "Tidus, you're fifteen. You're still just a kid. You're too young to be ready for that at all, much less with me. And you're not really old enough to know what you want."
"I do, though. Auron. I want you. It doesn't really have anything to do with love... I'm not stupid enough to think something like that. But I know that I want you. I think about it, about you, all the time. I imagine-"
"Stop," Auron said, glad the darkness would hide the heat he felt spreading across his face. "Stop it, Tidus. You don't know what you're saying."
"Yes I do," Tidus insisted with all the same stubbornness Auron had seen in Jecht, time after time. "Even if it's just one time, I want it. I want you to-" he stopped again, still young so that phrases like 'sleep with me' had the power to embarrass him, make him blush. "Well, you know," he finished up lamely, the heat in his voice lost in the rush of inadequacy he felt.
And again he considered it, telling himself--it couldn't be so wrong, really, could it? Could it? This is the question he had, and the answer he did not know. It is the answer he wanted most to know, and would never know, not even if he selfishly satisfied his passion, regardless of what he thought he knew to be best for Tidus. This was the lack of control, slipping in his mind as he stared at Tidus without once looking at him, wanting to know. Daring to hope he could convince himself. Despairing to know he would never forgive himself for it. For even thinking of it, for one brief moment.
"Auron..."
And at last he gave in. He turned towards the boy, the damnable boy who was so much like Jecht that it was torture on his mind. He faced him, and he put his hands on Tidus' shoulders, gripping them tightly, leaning in to press his lips forcefully against Tidus', bruising them almost, some small part of his mind hoping that the intensity of his want, his need, would scare Tidus off, and Tidus would say no, would say he'd changed his mind. But he knew even then it would be too late, for he was kissing Tidus, kissing him as if he was the only thing that mattered in this world, out here on the docks by the water, the air slightly fresher than anywhere else in Zanarkand; he knew that if Tidus were to say stop he would not, for Tidus had pushed, and Tidus had pleaded, and Auron's self-control had shattered. But he knew, too, that Tidus would not utter such a word, for Tidus' hands had, rather hesitantly, snaked up to wrap around Auron's neck as he kissed his guardian back tentatively, anxious and slightly scared.
Auron took him there, out on the docks in the darkness, the air gliding over their naked bodies as gently as Auron's fingers glided over the smooth skin he'd longed to touch for three painful years. He took him, murmuring words of comfort to Tidus as the boy cried out softly in confused fright, unused to his body's reactions, having never experienced anything remotely like this before. And still Tidus did not say stop, and so Auron did not, entering him slowly, doing his best to soothe the boy beneath him, taking care to hurt him as little as possible. Auron took him, and when it was over, Tidus lying on his back on the dock, body shuddering all over and breath harsh and shaky, looking up at the man above him almost wonderingly, he was ashamed.
end chapter one
chapter two