Waiting (rewrite), Book 1, Chapter 9
After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel to Untold Secrets. References to rape/sexual abuse and suicide. Some violence/swearing.
[Digimon] M, drama/hurt/comfort, 3476 (80106) words, published 02-22-14
UPDATE This chapter is the final version
previous chapter
Waiting
by: butterflie
chapter nine, loss of control
Book One
the cliched words of love on commercial melodies
you don't see this reality, you don't see this hell
a smile and tears that could be seen anywhere
all you can do is dump them out, you who could be found anywhere.
I can see you tearing at your hair, you're already on a countdown to madness.
if you could run away it would be easier, you should be saying "I want you to save me"
- Pierrot, agitator.
I slammed the door to my apartment, stalking in and kicking off my shoes angrily. They went flying, one of them popping my sister in the leg as she came in to see what was wrong. I felt a brief moment of remorse for my unrestrained anger, but it was quickly engulfed by even more anger as I once again recalled the way Yamato's face had looked earlier.
"'Oh whoops, Hikari, I'm sorry.' 'That's okay, Taichi. You're forgiven.'" Hikari said sarcastically, giving me a small glare.
"Shove off, Hikari, I'm not in the mood," I muttered, walking past her and heading towards my room. I'd apologise to her later, after I'd calmed down. If I managed to.
"Welcome home, Taichi," Mom said as I passed by. I didn't bother with a reply, just went into my room and shut the door, locking it behind me so Hikari couldn't try to come in and pester me about what the matter was. Normally I appreciated my sister trying to help, but right now I wanted to sit and stew in my bad mood. And to think I'd expected today to be a good day. Although most of it hadn't really been too bad, despite Yamato's obvious distraction during our first date. But back at his apartment, sitting on his bed listening to him tell me all that stuff... the half-formed thoughts I'd had of giving him a nice birthday present in the form of making out had completely vanished, and all I could feel was intense anger and heartache.
I flung myself face down on the bed and buried my face in my pillow, trying unsuccessfully to stifle the angry sobs that had been threatening to come out ever since I'd left Yamato's. I knew if I'd cried in front of Yamato, it would just upset him and possibly keep him from telling me anything important in the future. But now that I was home alone in the privacy of my room, I felt free to let go.
I hated it. I hated that he was going through all this stupid, stupid bullshit. It was bad enough that he'd been abused for months by Ken to the point that he'd tried suicide, but now having to deal with some asshole psychopaths tormenting him because of something I did really wasn't right. Yamato never did a thing to any of them, why couldn't they have left him alone? Why did they have to hurt him so bad he wound up in the hospital?
I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to hurt all of them the same way they'd hurt Yamato. Especially Sento. I wanted to make him suffer and fear for his very life so he could see just how Yamato had felt. Sento deserved it, they all deserved it.
Of course, it would be an incredibly stupid thing to do. If I actually tried to hurt any of them, I would probably wind up just as badly hurt as Yamato, or worse. And that would probably just make them even more likely to go after Yamato again. Which was certainly the last thing I wanted. But I hated that they were getting away with hurting my boyfriend so badly. Life just wasn't fair.
I pressed my face harder into the pillow and cried.
* * *
Monday morning found Yamato missing from homeroom. I really wasn't surprised, though that didn't stop me from worrying the whole day nonetheless. I was reprimanded no less than twice in each class, and often times more. Somehow, though, I managed to completely avoid any detentions, though I think all the teachers could see that for once I genuinely wasn't doing it on purpose. I just couldn't stop my mind from thinking about what I'd learned yesterday. I hadn't really managed to cool off from my anger over the whole thing. Just thinking Sento or Kento's names was enough to get me upset and wanting to hurt them. And now Yamato being absent just added to it.
He'd amazingly been pretty calm telling me about it yesterday. He hadn't even really cried. But I knew from how he'd refused to discuss it in the hospital that it had scared him pretty badly. And with how nightmare-prone he'd become in the past month or so, it wasn't hard to figure out just why he wasn't in school today. What worried me was not knowing how bad off he was. I still remembered how he'd been after those nightmares a few weeks ago, when he wouldn't talk for hours afterwards. That had been the night we'd officially gotten together... it was weird, thinking that it had only been around a month since everything. Well, more like two if I counted when Yamato had first stopped going to school, but at that time I just had thought he was sick.
Still, so much had happened in such a short amount of time. It felt like it should have been longer.
"Yagami Taichi!"
I blinked, brought once again out of my rumination, and looked up. Nakamura Sensei was standing over me, arms crossed expectantly, a grumpy-looking frown on his face. I had the feeling he'd been trying to get my attention for some time now. For the fourth time this class... "Um, yes sir?" I asked, giving him a guilty look. I really didn’t mean to keep zoning out.
The class collectively groaned, and Sensei sighed, shaking his head. "Never mind. Just... see me after class, please."
"Yes, sir."
He walked away, continuing on with his lecture, and I put my head down and tried to pay attention. If Yamato had been here, he would have probably snickered at me and teased me later.
I really hoped he wasn't too upset... What if he'd had more panic attacks? What if he'd somehow fallen out of bed and concussed himself again? What if he'd left his apartment to avoid being alone in it and ran into Kento again? My mind had been running away with the possibilities all day, and it was driving me crazy. I kept trying to tell myself that if it was truly something serious, Yamato or Mr. Ishida would have called me, but knowing that did nothing for my anxiety. I couldn't bring myself to believe me. I groaned quietly to myself, wishing the day were over already. But I still had lunch and two more classes to get through. And I was sure they would take forever. I really wished Yamato would get out of his habit of skipping school when he was upset.
* * *
Once the final bell rang signalling the end of the school day, I wasted no time in hightailing it out of there and heading over to Yamato's. I practically ran down the familiar route, arriving in record time. I banged on the door and waited impatiently for someone to open up, hoping anxiously that someone was home and this wasn't going to be like the last time, when Yamato had unexpectedly turned out to be in the hospital.
After a few moments, Mr. Ishida swung the door open, not looking surprised to see me.
I let out a visibly relieved breath, prompting the man to raise his eyebrows at me. If Mr. Ishida was home and looking so calm, then nothing too terrible must have happened. Which meant it really was likely just nightmares that had kept Yamato out of school for the day. "Hi, Mr. Ishida," I greeted politely. "Is Yamato here?"
"Hello, Taichi. He's been hiding out in his room all day," he said, resignation on his face and in his voice. He stepped aside, inviting me in.
"Nightmares?" I asked softly as I entered, toeing off my shoes.
He shut the door behind me, doing up most of the locks before facing me again, the exhaustion he was feeling clearly visible. "Bad ones," he said grimly. "But of course he won't talk to me about them."
I nodded, having expected that. Yamato had nightmares nearly every night, but it was only the worst of them that had kept him home so far. "I'll see if I can talk to him," I promised.
He smiled tiredly. "You're very good to him, Taichi. I'm glad he has you."
I blushed, the praise meaning a lot coming from Mr. Ishida. The man was usually so reserved with his feelings, and sometimes the fear that he didn't approve of mine and Yamato's relationship lingered, despite his approval at the hospital. "I'm just doing what anyone would do."
Mr. Ishida shook his head at me. "No, I don't think most people would. You've gone above and beyond for him. He's very lucky to have you as his friend, regardless of your relationship status."
"No, I'm lucky to have him," I told him, completely meaning it, and then headed off towards Yamato's room. His door was closed, so I knocked softly.
"I told you Dad, I'm fine," I heard him call. He sounded completely worn out. It hurt to hear.
"It's Taichi," I said quietly. "Can I come in?"
"Oh, sorry. Sure. Door's unlocked."
I opened it and looked in. Yamato was curled up against his headboard, knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, his head resting on top. An open notebook I recognised as his song book was sitting nearby, a pencil in the crease between the pages. I wasn't sure whether to take that as a good sign or not. I hadn't seen Yamato writing lyrics in ages, but he also tended to write most often when he was emotionally overwhelmed. And none of his emotions had really been good lately...
"So what happened to school today?" I asked, coming in and closing the door. I pulled out his desk chair and sat, not sure whether he'd want me to sit with him in the bed or not. I figured it was better to play it safe until I had a better idea of his mood.
He uncurled, reaching out to close his notebook and set it on the bedside table. "I'm sure you can guess, or dad told you," he muttered, not looking at me.
"Nightmares, I figured that much, but I thought you were doing better about letting them keep you from school," I said evenly. I didn't want to sound accusatory and get his hackles up, because then he'd clam up and not talk to me.
He shrugged. "Sometimes it's still just too much," he admitted quietly. "And after telling you yesterday... well, I rarely ever see Kento and them at school, sometimes I'm not sure they still really attend, but I just didn't want to chance it today. Just the thought of it made me feel sick. So I refused to go, and Dad took a sick day to stay with me. Even though he shouldn't have..."
"He's worried," I told him, watching him pick at the loose stitching on his blanket. "I am too," I added. Deciding his mood could have been a lot worse, I got up and sat down next to him on the bed. He obligingly shifted to make room for me.
"Don't," he said.
"Don't what?" I asked, confused. Did he not want me to sit on the bed with him? He'd just made room for me...
"Don't worry about me. I don't mean to make people worry. I'm fine."
Oh. I smiled sadly, even though he was still steadfastly refusing to look at me. "I know you want to be fine, Yamato, but you're not. Weren't you the one trying to convince me a couple of weeks ago that you were broken?"
"Oh, so now you agree with me?" His voice was trembling, and I couldn't stand it.
"Please look at me." I reached out and gently clasped his hand, loosely curling my fingers around his, and sat there waiting patiently until he raised his head. The sorrow in his blue eyes made me want to wrap my arms around him and never let go. "You're not broken," I told him sincerely, "but that doesn't mean you're fine either. And that's okay. You've been through hell, experienced things that no one should ever have to experience, or ever deserve-things I couldn't even begin to imagine. Your dad and I, your brother, our other friends, your band... none of us expect you to be fine. But in the meantime, we're going to worry for you. I'm especially going to worry, because I love you and I hate seeing you in pain. I'm going to worry even more when you're not where I expect you to be, and I don't know for sure what's happened. So please don't ever ask me to not worry about you. I care too much to not worry."
"Since when did you get so smart with words?" he asked. I could tell he was trying to laugh it off, trying to make it not a big deal, but his voice was still trembling, and I knew he was on the verge of crying.
"Since I realised how much my boyfriend needed me to be," I replied gently, and pulled him into a hug as he finally broke.
"I wish none of this had happened," he confessed between sobs.
I tightened my hold on him, my own eyes stinging. "Me too."
We stayed that way for awhile, me just holding him tightly as he cried. He didn't say anything else, and I didn't make him. I was actually a little surprised at his breakdown, because he still hated to cry in front of me if he could help it, and he hadn't seemed this upset when I first came in. But he'd been holding in too much for far too long, and maybe he simply couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't mind. I would hold him for as long as he needed me. To be able to do this for him, no matter how small of a thing it seemed, helped comfort me as much as it did him. I might not have been the one who had been hurt, but I was coming to really understand that Yamato wasn't the only one who had been affected by Ken's abuse.
Eventually Yamato's sobs lessened, until finally he was sitting there quietly, seemingly content to stay motionless in my arms. I shifted us until I was leaning against the headboard, Yamato between my legs with his back pressed against my chest and his head nestled against my arm, and my arms wrapped loosely around his frame. He said nothing while I moved us, just let me manhandle him limply, like a rag doll. It was a little unnerving. In the new position, I could see the dried tear tracks on his face. I knew they had to feel uncomfortable, but he made no move to wipe them away. When he spoke again, I wasn't expecting it, and startled at the sudden noise, banging my head hard on the wood behind me.
"I was scared to go because I thought they'd know somehow."
"Who would know what?" I asked softly, rubbing at the now sore bump on my skull in consternation. That was going to be a nice little bruise later.
He took a deep, shuddering breath. "K-Kento and Sento... It's completely stupid, but I thought-I thought if I went to school, somehow they would just know that I told on them, and they'd hurt me even worse..." He laughed suddenly, a sound that was dangerously close to becoming another sob. "I was scared despite them telling me to tell you. Really, how stupid is that?"
"Yamato..." I swallowed, my eyes burning. I was angry again, even angrier than I'd been yesterday, or at any point earlier today. It wasn't enough to make them suffer, I wanted to hunt them down and hurt them so badly they'd never be able to hurt anybody ever again. I wanted to make them pay dearly for what they'd done. And if I could throw Ken in the mix while I was at it, then so much the better. But logically, I knew that wouldn't help Yamato any. "I'm sorry," I told him helplessly. "I hate that you're going through this. I hate that I can't do anything to make it better. I'm sorry," I repeated.
"You're here for me," he said simply. "That helps."
I didn't really believe him. It didn't feel like enough. I wanted to do more, something that would really help, something that would make a difference in his getting better, get him back to a state of normal, of really living again. But there was nothing, and all I could do was sit there holding him as I apologised uselessly.
* * *
When I finally left Yamato's apartment that evening, the sun was just starting to set. The street lamps were just beginning to kick on, and it was sprinkling lightly, a hint of the rainy weather to come soon. It seemed fitting for the sort of mood the afternoon had been. Even though Yamato and I had finally turned our talk to lighter subjects, the anger towards Kento and Sento-mostly Sento, honestly-had never left me. It was still with me as I walked the sidewalks absently, slowly heading towards home.
Despite all the anger boiling under the surface, I still knew how stupid it would have been to try to find them and hurt them. It would just cause too many problems for Yamato, and quite possibly me as well. And four to one odds didn't really seem that great. But apparently fate had a different idea in store for me, because as I turned a corner there they suddenly were.
They were a little ways down the sidewalk, beating up on some kid, and hadn't spotted me. A scared little kid who looked no older than twelve. A scared little kid who was crying and pleading feebly with them to stop, the arms above his head offering very little protection against four seventeen and eighteen year olds.
Blinded by fury, I didn't even stop to think about what I was doing, or how I shouldn't do it. I called out, yelled at them to stop. All of them looked up, and then Sento gave me a small smirk, right before kicking the kid again. It was the last thing I remembered clearly for awhile.
Blinded by fury, I charged in, images of Yamato flashing through my mind.
The hospital. Yamato, alive, but looking so pale and lifeless in that bed. So drained, so terrified and broken. So afraid to even tell me what had happened.
I still can't even let myself think about it yet, much less be able to tell someone else.
The two of us in his bed, him leaning against me as he talked so calmly about Sento holding him down, about being so scared, about Sento pulling a knife on him...
I just knew they were going to kill me.
Blinded by fury... My fists lashed out. I wanted nothing more than to wipe that self-satisfied smirk right off that cocky bastard's face.
I can't, Taichi, I really can't.
Please don't ask me right now, please.
Beaten so badly he passed out. Sento trailing a knife down his cheek.
Sento staggered backwards, an open palm held against his bloody nose.
Murderous eyes glared at me, readying to attack. I refused to let that happen. Blinded by fury, I moved towards him again.
Taichi...
Taichi...
My fists pounded over and over on Sento’s unconscious body. The others made attempts to attack me, to pull me off, but I struck out against them, hitting hard and shoving fast before returning my attentions to Sento before me. Barely aware of my surroundings, I was lost in the numb and senseless rage of my blind fury. I dimly registered the sound of footsteps retreating into the distance. All I could think about was making Sento pay. For Yamato, for everything he’d suffered, everything he’d given up, everything he’d lost. Did it matter that Ken had been the one to break him originally? Not really. It was Sento that was breaking him now.
Taichi...
"Taichi! Taichi, stop! Stop it now! Taichi, you’re killing him! Get off!" Strong hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me back. A bloody mess was on the ground before me, barely recognisable as Sento. I looked up into the face of the one holding me, and found Jou’s horrified, terrified face looking back at me. Slowly I came back to myself, and realised what I’d done, and what I almost did. Tears were dripping onto my hands. Or maybe it was just rain. I could hear the wail of a siren in the distance.
Love you.
chapter nine end. (22 February 2014 0809AM)
soundtrack for chapter nine:
Digimon Adventure/Zero Two/Tamers/Frontier - various
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