Unequivocal, Chapter 09
Who knew a single drunken mistake could lead to a lifetime of consequences? Yamato sure didn't think so, but now he's got less than a year to figure out how to be a dad and he's not sure he can. Taito. AU for Tri.
[Digimon] M+, family/drama, 3406 (29341) words, published 10-15-16
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Unequivocal
by: butterflie Chapter Nine
New World
"This is your new home, Naoki," Yamato whispers, stepping into the apartment with the small infant held in his arms. Naoki's sleeping, as he had done most of the ride home, but he knows that soon enough he'll have a fussy, constantly crying baby on his hands. He carries Naoki to his newly rearranged bedroom, where the crib has already been set up, waiting for the baby's arrival. He gently places his son down in it, the way he'd learned in one of the parenting classes.
He then spends the next week getting a crash course in sleep deprivation. His dad helps for an hour or two in the evenings when he's home from work, but during the day and at night Naoki is completely his responsibility. At night he has to get up every few hours to feed him, or change him, or soothe him, and it seems like by the time he's finally dropping off to sleep again, Naoki is once again crying. More than once he feels like just crying himself. He drinks a lot more coffee than is healthy just to stay awake. He can't imagine still having to do this once summer hols are over and he's back in school. He'll be a zombie walking through the hallways, and he definitely doesn't see how he'll have time for homework. He's glad the band's manager put them on a brief hiatus for a couple months once he found out Yamato was having a kid.
"You focus on that kid the first few months," he'd said. "We'll make an announcement. Maybe do a photoshoot when you're ready to come back. Your fans will love it."
He doesn't know that he wants Naoki's image used to promote the band, but for now he's just grateful for the reprieve.
The second week he's given a bit of break from the monotony of it all by his friends coming to visit Naoki, in small groups of two or three. Hikari and Takeru are first and, predictably, Hikari's got her camera.
"Can I?" she asks, holding up the camera with a smile.
"Sure," he says, giving her a tired smile in return. She gets plenty of shots, some of Naoki alone, some with him and Naoki, others with Takeru and Naoki, or the three of them, and a few with all four of them.
"I get a copy of these, right?" he asks when she's at last satisfied.
"Of course!" she says, and then coos at Naoki. "You're such a cutie-pie!" Naoki's too young to do much other than just blink at her, but she doesn't seem to mind.
Yamato watches them leave miserably, resisting the urge to drag Takeru back and beg him to watch Naoki for a few hours while he sleeps.
* * *
Mimi, Koushiro, and Jou are the next to visit, the next day. Jou keeps trying to give him all kinds of parenting tips, most of which Yamato has already heard before in one of the classes. Koushiro looks at him in the crib and then starts spouting off statistics about SIDS, which makes Yamato's heart lurch with fear until Mimi clamps a hand over his mouth and hisses something too low for Yamato to hear. After that Koushiro's mostly quiet, while Mimi goes through half of Naoki's clothes, exclaiming over how cute they all are.
"Mimi, you were right there with me when we bought them," he tells her, exasperated.
"I know, but it's been a few months now! I've forgotten what half of them look like. Ooh, this one is so cute!" she squeals, holding up a little light blue onesie with cute cartoon elephants printed all over it.
"You were the one that picked it out..." he sighs.
"Clearly I have good taste," she says, her tone slightly smug.
"You do," he says, too tired to banter with her.
"If you're really tired, you should try sleeping when the baby sleeps," Jou says, and Yamato just stares at him. That might just be the worst advice Jou's said yet. "Err, or not..." He scratches at his blue hair, looking uncomfortable.
As exhausted as he is, he's actually glad when the three of them finally leave.
* * *
Sora and Taichi are a welcome distraction the day after next.
"He looks so sweet!" Sora exclaims, peering down at Naoki. Yamato's currently got him nestled in his arms, sitting with him in his dad's recliner.
"You should see him when he cries," Yamato grumbles at her. "You wanna hold him?"
"You don't mind?"
"No. Here, hold him just like I am... yeah, like that."
"He's heavier than I thought he would be," she says, smiling at the baby now in her arms.
"He lost a bit of weight after being born, but he's a few ounces heavier than his birth weight now. The doctor says eventually the formula will make him start gaining faster in a few months."
"So you're going to have a fat baby?" Taichi asks in a teasing tone.
Yamato frowns. "Don't call my baby fat," he says defensively, and Taichi raises an eyebrow.
"Woah, I was just teasing." He gets off the couch, then comes over and gives Yamato an apologetic kiss, which Yamato accepts happily. After a moment Sora clears her throat, and they break apart sheepishly.
"Sorry," they mumble in unison, and she laughs before handing Naoki back over.
* * *
Daisuke, Ken, and Iori are the last of the Chosen to visit.
"Miyako wanted to come too, but she couldn't get out of helping at her family's mart," Ken explains in his soft voice. Though he wishes Ken would be a little less shy around him, it's infinitely preferable to the arrogance and cruelty he'd displayed as the Kaiser.
"Is this the baby?!" Daisuke asks in a loud, excited voice as he spots the swaddle blanket around the bundle in Yamato's arms.
Naoki, startled by the loud noise, wakes up and begins to wail.
"Daisuke! I just got him back to sleep," Yamato moans.
"Oops," Daisuke says, abashed. "Sorry, Yamato."
"Just... try to be quiet around him, as a general rule," he says, sighing. He begins to rock the newborn gently in his arms, trying to soothe him back to sleep.
"Does he cry a lot?" Iori asks curiously.
"Yes. Word of advice: don't ever have kids too young. Or maybe just ever," Yamato tells them, grinning.
"You don't want him?" Ken asks.
"No, I very much want him," Yamato says, smiling down at his son. "He's just a lot of hard work. I wouldn't recommend a baby until you're ready. But he's worth it."
* * *
At last his bandmates come over.
"This is our new mascot?" Kenji asks, grinning as he looks down into Naoki's sleeping face.
Yamato rolls his eyes. "We are not using my newborn son for our mascot," he says.
"Daichi will probably try, you realise," Ny says, taking a seat on the end of Yamato's bed. He looks around the bedroom curiously, making a face at how much more cramped it is now with all of the baby's things in it.
"Well Daichi can go stuff it," Yamato replies hotly. "I'm not using Naoki and having his face plastered all over magazines just so we can sell a few more CDs and maybe go major a little sooner."
"Hey, I didn't say I approved!" Ny says quickly, holding up his hands. "Don't take my head off."
He backs off a bit, blushing and feeling a bit embarrassed. "Sorry."
"It's fine." Ny waves it away. "I'm sure it's just the lack of sleep talking."
Yamato scratches at his head sheepishly. "Maybe a bit."
"How desperate have you gotten yet?" Ratsuii asks, with a knowing smirk.
"...I'll pay you 10,000 yen if you'll take him tonight," Yamato offers in a pleading tone.
Ratsuii laughs. "Not a chance."
"Then you suck," he promptly declares, while the other two look on in amusement.
"Don't worry, you'll get used to it."
"The baby or how much you suck?"
"Both," Ratz replies with a mischievous grin.
* * *
Eventually his dad takes pity on him, and offers to get up one night with Naoki while Yamato gets a little sleep. They swap rooms, his dad looking a little uncomfortable on his smaller full-size bed. However, he finds that even in just two weeks he's already become attuned to his son's cries, and still wakes up every time he hears Naoki let out even the tiniest of wails. Consequently, he's still pretty grumpy when he gets up the next morning.
"That didn't help at all," he complains to his dad while feeding Naoki a bottle. "Every time he cried, I still woke up!"
His dad raises his eyebrows at him, sipping at his coffee to help chase away the shadows under his eyes. "Makes you think twice about condoms, huh?"
"I was drunk!"
"Keep clinging to that, but it's not really a valid excuse. You could have just as equally made the choice not to get drunk," his dad points out.
He doesn't have a good answer to that, so he decides not to say anything, focusing on feeding Naoki instead, burping him when he's finished.
"Instead of sulking in here, why not take Naoki and go out for a few hours? It's a nice day out, you could go the park."
"Maybe..." he mutters.
* * *
"Aren't we just going to the park?" Taichi asks, watching him as he packs Naoki's diaper bag. He's got several diapers, a few travel packs of baby wipes, a couple of changing pads, a change of clothes, an extra swaddle blanket, hand sanitiser, and Naoki's formula so far, and he's still adding things.
"Yeah," he says, spotting the diaper rash cream and throwing that in just in case.
Taichi watches him for another moment. "Remind me not to have kids."
Yamato grins.
When they reach the park, they spot a vendor selling ice cream and Taichi immediately makes a beeline for it. Yamato follows after him at a more leisurely pace. He's got Naoki in a hands-free carrier, but he knows the infant will still feel heavy after awhile, and doesn't want to tire himself out too fast. Once they've got their frozen treats, they stroll around the park, linking their free hands together. His dad was right-it is a nice day out. Warm, but with a breeze coming in from the bay that kept the temperature from being too hot. It's also sunny, which is a welcome break from all the usual summer rain.
"So is it bad?" Taichi asks as they walk.
"What?" Some of his ice cream begins to drip down the side of the cone, and he quickly raises it and licks it off, lest it get on Naoki.
"Taking care of a baby. Being a dad," Taichi says, gesturing to his son.
"Oh. Well, I wouldn't have chosen to do it now," Yamato says wryly, "but it's not really bad, exactly. Just really, really exhausting. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep since the day I brought him home from the hospital."
"When do you have to stop waking up to feed him and everything?"
"The books my dad bought me said he can start sleeping through the night anywhere from four to six months."
Taichi actually stops in his tracks, ice cream momentarily forgotten. "That long?!"
Yamato stumbles a bit as his hand is abruptly jerked backwards from Taichi's sudden halt. The diaper bag hung over his shoulder swings around, banging into his hip. "Hey, careful!" he exclaims, frowning back at his boyfriend. "And yes, that long," he adds. "I'm hoping it's closer to the four month mark than the sixth month... this is gonna suck when the new school term starts."
"Would you have waited, you know, if you'd had a choice?"
He doesn't have to contemplate that one. "No," he says, shaking his head firmly. "Because then whatever kid I had in the future wouldn't be Naoki, and I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world."
* * *
In what feels like no time at all, the summer hols quickly come to an end, and Yamato finds himself in front of the door to the Izumi house the morning of the first day of the new term, diaper bag slung over his shoulder and Naoki cradled in his arms. When he'd been lamenting over not being able to find a babysitter to his friends one day during the summer, it had been Koushiro, oddly enough, who'd said that his mom was feeling at loose ends after losing her job, and probably wouldn't mind helping with Naoki. He'd been hesitant, but sure enough, when he asked her, she was very enthusiastic about the idea.
He knocks, and after being greeted warmly by Mrs. Izumi, steps into the house. Koushiro's in the kitchen finishing up breakfast, and he calls out a greeting, which Yamato returns.
He begins to go over things with Mrs. Izumi, who's admiring Naoki. "He's only six weeks, so he's still only just beginning to settle into a routine," he tells her. "I wrote down for you when he's generally hungry, when he usually sleeps, et cetera, but don't worry if he doesn't stick to it. I'm sure you've had plenty of experience with Koushiro." It's weird to imagine his friend being a baby little enough to need feedings and diaper changes. He quickly changes the subject. "I tried to put plenty of extra stuff in his diaper bag, hopefully you should have no problems."
Mrs. Izumi smiles at him. "I'm sure everything will be fine."
"I wrote down both of my parents' numbers in case there are any problems," he says, handing her a slip of paper. "It has both their cell and office numbers. They'll be faster to reach than trying to get me through the school."
For six weeks, all he's wanted is a break, but now that it's here, he finds he's strangely reluctant to leave his son. He sighs. "I guess I should get going before I'm late." He hands Naoki over to Mrs. Izumi, feeling an ache when his arms are empty.
"It's hard leaving them for the first time, isn't it?" she says sympathetically. "Don't worry, I'll take good care of him."
"I guess it is," he admits. He leans over and lands a kiss on Naoki's forehead. "Be good," he tells the baby. "Don't give Mrs. Izumi any trouble."
Koushiro comes into the hallway then, dressed in his light blue uniform and his bookbag strapped over his shoulders. "Ready?" he asks Yamato.
Yamato nods, and after one last good bye to Naoki, they leave.
* * *
School's been back in session for three weeks now, and Yamato's exhausted. Between school during the day and staying up with Naoki most of the night, he hardly ever gets any sleep. His dad still helps out in the evening for a couple of hours, but Yamato always winds up using that time for homework, and can never get a nap in though he usually struggles desperately to stay awake. More than once he's gotten in trouble at school with his teachers for accidentally falling asleep in class. Taichi usually tries to nudge him awake before he's caught, but he's not always successful.
He's starting to doubt himself. He knows that Ratsuii said he would, and it was normal, but... he doesn't know how much more he can take. It feels like all Naoki ever does is cry, and eat, and need to be changed. It makes him cranky, and he always seems irritable. He's started getting a bit snappy with some of his friends, even though he doesn't mean to. He just wants a little time to himself, and a decent night's sleep for once. Is that really so much to ask?
He can't help but feel like it would be easier if Naoki were like the babies he'd always see on television... babies that laugh and smile and play. He had no ideas babies didn't do that in the first few months of their lives. Right now Naoki seems to give no sign that he recognises him as his dad, and even if it's normal, Yamato finds it still hurts a little bit.
At last, one Saturday his dad agrees to watch Naoki for a few hours while he goes out on a date with Taichi. Their last few 'dates' have just been short outings in which he had to take Naoki along, so he's really looking forward to it being just the two of them, alone. They spend the date on the Tokyo mainland, just running around the city and having a good time. At one point they find a secluded spot somewhere and spend some quality time making out-that's his favourite part.
He gets back home exhausted but happy, greeting his dad with a smile on his face. "I'm home," he says, hanging up his jacket.
"Welcome home," his dad says. "Have a good time?"
"Yeah. We ran around Tokyo, did date-y things, you know, the usual."
"Uh-huh," his dad says in a knowing tone. "I do know."
He colours. "Naoki asleep?" he asks, changing the subject.
His dad shakes his head. "He's in the crib, but he's being stubborn today. Won't sleep no matter how much I try to get him to. I think he misses you."
"I'm not sure he even knows me yet," Yamato grumbles, but he heads down the hall to check on his son. He flips on the light and peeks into the crib, expecting to see Naoki lying there, hopefully asleep, but instead he finds something much better.
Naoki is lying there, but he's very much awake, and when he catches sight of Yamato's face, he lights up into a wide, happy smile.
Yamato's eyes widen, and then he smiles back. "Dad!" he yells, beyond excited. "He just smiled! Naoki just smiled at me! It's his first smile!" He laughs in pure joy. Finally seeing Naoki's beautiful smile has just made the last two months worth it.
* * *
Luckily, Naoki does indeed begin sleeping through the night around the four month mark. The first day Yamato wakes up in the morning for school and realises he's slept through the night without once being woken by shrill cries, he actually cries himself in relief. There's been several times over the last few months that he felt sure this day would never come.
A lazy Sunday afternoon finds him at the park with Naoki and the older Chosen: Taichi, Mimi, Koushiro, Jou, and Sora. They're not doing much, mostly just hanging out and talking, having a good time and enjoying the last of the fall weather before it gets too cold to go out. He's in a much better frame of mind, a week of a full night's sleep doing wonders for him. He and Mimi are taking turns playing peek-a-boo with Naoki, while Jou occasionally hovers over their shoulders, making funny faces. Naoki smiles a lot at all three of them, clearly enjoying the games.
A sudden noise has all of them shutting up and looking at each other in amazement. "Did he just..." Taichi asks hesitantly.
"He laughed!" Yamato exclaims, laughing himself. "He's never laughed before!"
"That's amazing," Sora remarks, smiling.
"Here, see if he does it again!" Mimi cries excitedly. She covers her faces with her hands, and then quickly moves them away, revealing her face again. "Peek-a-boo!"
Naoki smiles and lets out a happy little burble.
"He did! He's laughing!" Jou says. He makes another funny face at the baby, who laughs a third time.
They spend the rest of the afternoon taking turns making Naoki laugh, until he's completely worn out and falls fast asleep. Yamato lifts him gently from Sora's lap, hushing him when he wakes up and fusses a bit, and manages to get him back in the hands-free carrier he's still got strapped to himself. Naoki quickly settles back down into sleep again.
"I'll see you guys at school tomorrow?" he says.
They all nod. "Yeah, see you!"
"Bye, Yamato!"
"Bye!"
"I'll see you in the morning," Koushiro says.
Taichi gets up, dusting himself off and separating from the others. "I'll walk home with you," he says.
"Okay." Yamato smiles at him and hoists the diaper bag over his shoulder. Taichi grabs his hand, and they set off for home. Next weekend I am going to be spending Saturday driving ten hours to Chicago for a concert on Sunday night. I haven't decided yet whether I'll upload the next (and last!) chapter early, or just wait an extra week and do it the weekend after next. Doing it early really just depends on how busy I get packing and getting everything in order Friday after my classes. At any rate, hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Thanks for reading! next chapter