Waiting, Book 2, Chapter 8
The hell Matt had been living is finally over. Ken is out of Matt's life for good. Matt can now put everything behind him and start over. But a certain gang seems to think differently... Taito. Sequel to Untold Secrets, but works as stand alone.
Digimon - NC-17 - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 14 - Words: 99633 - Updated: 11-21-05 - Published: 11-01-01
Disclaimer: It's not mine. Really... The song is Evanescence's Bring Me to Life. Ah, such an excellent song ^^
Author's Notes: Well, here I am, a year later, finally working on this story again. I didn't want to work on it if it wasn't on my laptop, but I finally came to the conclusion I wasn't getting a laptop anytime soon, and the story was sitting here unfinished... so I decided I'd finish it. So that's what I'm doing. First though, I'm going to go unload the dishwasher.
--->Translation:
|none, the song doesn't need one ^^;;|
Waiting
Chapter 8-Nothing But the Truth
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
*sequel to Untold Secrets*
|How can you see into my eyes like open doors
|Leading you down into my core
|where I've become so numb
|Without a soul
|my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
|until you find it there and lead it back home|
|Wake me up
|Wake me up inside
|I can't wake up
|Wake me up inside
|Save me
|Call my name and save me from the dark
|Wake me up
|Bid my blood to run
|I can't wake up
|Before I come undone
|Save me
|Save me from the nothing I've become|
|Now that I know what I'm without
|you can't just leave me
|Breathe into me and make me real
|Bring me to life|
"So, did you have a good time at Taichi's?"
I choked on my water, some of it dribbling down my chin. A good time wasn't exactly the words I'd use to describe last night. "Uh.. yeah, 'tousan. I had a great time."
I just spent half of it in the hospital, and the other half of it trying to avoid the Yagamis. Not that I'll say anything to 'tousan. I don't want him to know what happened last night.. He'll just worry unnecessarily, and he might not trust me to go anywhere else anymore. And I definitely don't want that.
'tousan raised his eyebrows at me, and I could see he didn't quite believe me. He wasn't stupid. He knew something was going on. He just didn't know what.
"Right," 'tousan said. He changed the subject. "Your band called looking for you while you were round Taichi's last night. I don't know which guy it was. Said he'd try calling you again today."
I let out a sigh. "Great. Ok, thanks for letting me know." It was probably Ny. Not that I have any idea what he might want. Unless it's band practice.
Tousan nodded and continued to study me, trying to figure out what it was I wasn't telling him. I shifted my eyes away from his intense gaze and stood, grabbing my bowl and carrying it over to the sink. Suddenly the atmosphere in the house seemed stifling. I wanted out.
"Eto.. I'm going to go take a walk, Otousan. I'll be back in awhile."
"Allright," he replied quietly. He seemed like he wanted to say something else, but decided against it.
I headed to my room to get my jacket. It had been cloudy all day, and was a little chilly outside. Besides, if it happened to rain, I had no desire to get caught out in it without anything warm.
Once outside the apartment building, I paused, looking around me a bit fearfully. I was afraid of seeing Kento again. However, seeing no one in sight, I decided it was safe and headed off in the direction of the park. On the way, I thought about Kento.
I hadn't told Taichi yet that it had been Kento who had put me in the hospital that time. After I had nearly blown up at him that day, he'd stopped questioning me.. but he hadn't stopped wondering. It was in his eyes when he looked at me. It was in his smile, his laugh. It was lingering in his voice when he spoke to me. That little question. Who, Yamato? Heck, he didn't even know if it was a who. I wouldn't tell him. And he had no one to ask. No one else knows exactly what happened to me. All Tousan and Dr. Kaos know is that I'd almost died. They didn't know who had hurt me so bad.
I closed my eyes against the onrushing memories. I still heard it in my head. It invaded my dreams at night. The cruel laughter of Kenji's brothers echoing around the alleyway. The taunts they flung at me. The questions they asked. The threats...
I blinked back sudden tears. I still remembered the attack, every vivid detail forever etched in my mind, on my heart.
I told you not to lie, DAMMIT!
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, standing stock still, trying to force away the awful memories of that closed alleyway. It wasn't working much.
"Matt?"
Surprised at hearing a familiar voice speak my name, I opened my eyes to see Dr. Kaos Akira standing in front of me.
Quickly I brushed away my tears with my fingers. "Dr. Kaos," I said. "What are you doing here? How come you're not at the hospital?"
"Even doctors have an occasional day off," he said with a laugh.
I felt my face growing warm at my stupidity. "Oh," I said. "I guess so."
He went and sat down under a tree, leaning his back against it. I followed and sat next to him. We remained in silence for a bit before I spoke.
"My friends and I used to come here a lot, when we were younger. We'd all have these big gatherings for the afternoon. Usually there'd be food, and we'd hang around and talk and play soccer..." I grew quiet, remembering those happy days, when I was still innocent, still unaware of the greater horrors of the world. "We never meet here anymore.." I added.
"Do you miss those days?" he asked me.
"Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I? Even with everything that happened in the Digital World, I was still happy. I had friends who cared about me and who didn't always feel compelled to walk on tiptoes around me. I wasn't afraid of people. Ken... Well, Ken was evil at first, but later on.. he became good. And he was a friend. A close friend. ....I guess he just got too close," I whisphered.
He sighs. "Matt, has anyone ever told you before that it's not your fault?"
I whip my head up and look at him in surprise. He knew... how did he know? I'd never told anyone before. I was too ashamed. "But it is," I whisphered.
"Why? Why is it your fault that he decided to take what he wanted without any regard to you or what you wanted?"
"Because.. I.. I encouraged him. I.. for awhile we were really close friends. Not as close as Taichi and I, but.. close. I'd always suspected he liked me. And I thought.. I thought a little flirting wouldn't hurt. I thought he had to realize there's no way I'd ever like him that way. So you see, it's my fault. I led him on, made him think I wanted him.." I hid my face in my hands, ashamed. I had. I'd purposely led Ken on. It was unforgivable. I'd known he'd had feelings for me, and I let him think I returned him. What he did to me was unforgivable, but it was all my fault. I never should have done what I did. I'm such a fuckup. I'm a horrible person.
"Matt, it's not your fault. I promise you. What-"
"But it is!" I cried out. "I led him, made him think I wanted him!"
"Ok, so maybe what you did was wrong. If you felt nothing for him, you shouldn't have made him think you did. But that didn't give him the right to do what he did to. You turned him down, he should have accepted that and left it alone. It never gave him the right to abuse you. He was just as wrong as you were, more so. He's responsible for his own actions, Matt. It wasn't your fault."
I was silent, thinking over what Dr. Kaos had said. He was wrong, he had to be.. but what if he wasn't? Even if I'd made Ken think I wanted him, I had turned him down. No matter what I'd done before, he should have recognized I didn't want to go out with him. He shouldn't have hurt me.. but if I'd never.. maybe he would have never asked me out.. no! I don't know that for sure. If he really liked me, he might still have asked me out. I can't necessarily say it's all my fault.. but at least part of it must be, right? Oh, I just don't know.
Sighing, I let out a sigh, and struggled to my feet. I looked at the world around me. There were lots of people in the park today. Many were smiling, laughing, having a good time. I bet a good many of them never had anything bad touch their lives, but I knew there were also probably people who had. Yet they were out here now, enjoying themselves, having a good time.. I longed to be like them. To put all the bad stuff completely out of my mind for good, to forget any of it ever happened, to be happy again. There was so much of the world I was still missing, so many good things yet to come.. And yet here I was, sitting here dwelling on all my problems, letting them drag me down to darkness. I should just be forgetting about them, working to get over them, going out and truly enjoying the world again. It was just so hard. I mean, everything Ken did to me, I'm mostly over that. I'm not as scared of him anymore, I can handle thinking about the abuse without falling to pieces. My nightmares of him aren't as frequent, I know he's not out to get me anymore. I'm not scared of sex the way I was before. I don't flashback to Ken every time someone says something that reminds me of the abuse. Ever since Ken came that day to my apartment.. it was just like, everything bad about him, everything I went through with him.. most of that didn't hurt me anymore. I mean, yeah, I still don't like to think about. I still think it's my fault, and I'll still never forgive him, but the pain just isn't as bad anymore. Most of my problems now revolved around Kento and his gang. They were the ones that were abusing me now. They were the ones that were shattering the little bit of self respect I'd managed to gain. They were the ones that were keeping me from the good parts of the world.. and for that I hated them, hated them with such passion, such smoldering desire to kill them.. and yet I was too damn scared, and for that I hated myself, hated myself so much..
"Matt?"
I looked down at Dr. Kaos, and as I did so I felt something wet dripping down my cheeks. I was crying. Fuck. What the hell is it with me? "Sorry," I mumble. "I didn't mean.."
"Matt, maybe you should consider getting some help. Have you ever thought about it before?"
I glared at him. "I don't need any help from a bunch of idiots who think they know everything and yet know nothing at all!"
"Matt, psychologists are not idiots. They're people who are qualified to help people like you with problems, people like you that have been through traumatic experiences and can't cope with it all alone."
"I can cope!" I shouted, though my voice lacked conviction. I couldn't cope. I knew I couldn't. That was part of my problem. I hated feeling so defenseless.
"You can't Matt. But I'm not here to tell you what to do. Hell, I'm just your doctor. What do I know about you?"
I'd hurt his feelings. Immediately I felt horrible. Dr. Kaos was one of the few people I trusted, one of the few people I felt like I could talk with. Who was I to yell at him when he was concerned about me and just trying to help? I'm such an idiot. "I.. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so mean."
He nodded, though I got the feeling that things weren't really okay.
"Look, I.. I gotta go. 'tousan will probably start worrying if I don't get back home soon. ...Thanks for talking to me."
He just nodded again. "Later Matt," he said quietly.
I gave him a little smile, then walked off.
+-+-+-+
"Matt? Is that you?" 'tousan called as I let myself in the apartment a short time later.
I rolled my eyes as I called back, "No 'tousan, it's some crazed murderer come to kill you."
He let out a small laugh. "Well, you never know. It could have been."
"And he'd use a key to open the door, right?"
"Okay, okay, point taken," he said as I walked in the living room. "How come you were gone so long? I was starting to get a little worried."
I looked away; why does he always have to get so worried about me nowadays? "I was perfectly fine, 'tousan. You shouldn't have worried. I just ran into Dr. Kaos at the park and stayed to talk with him for a bit."
"Ah," he said.
Okay.. "I'm going to go start dinner now, okay?" I passed him and started to go into the kitchen, eager to start dinner. I've always enjoyed cooking, and it will help my mind focus and take it off of other things.
"Wait, Matt," he said.
I turned and looked at him, suddenly nervous for some reason. Had he found out..? But Dr. Kaos promised not to tell him. He wouldn't betray me like that. Besides, Dr. Kaos wasn't at the hospital all day, he'd been at the park. So this wasn't anything. Then why was I so nervous?
I swallowed, tried to act cool and collected. "Yes?" I asked him.
"The hospital sent me a bill today," he began.
Oh hell. I didn't even think about that. Of course they'd bill us. I'd been in the hospital for a few hours last night, and they'd had to give me some blood, because I'd been a little low lately. Ever since Kento attacked me, and I'd nearly died, I'd been having to go in and get blood, because my count was still low enough to make them worry. "Oh?" I said, but it came out rather squeaky sounding.
He let out a sigh. "Why didn't you tell me Matt? Why didn't you tell me you had to go back to the hospital last night? Why did you go?"
I studied the carpet. It needed to be vacuumed. I could see dirt and old food crumbs. Nasty. "Wasn't any big deal," I mumbled. "I just didn't want you to worry."
"What happened?"
I didn't answer him. There's just no easy way to tell your father you tried killing yourself. Again.
"Did you.. lose control of yourself again?"
I laughed bitterly. "Oh yeah, what a great way to put it 'tousan. Lose control of myself. Good one."
"Well, what would you rather me say?" He sounded genuinely angry now. "Gee Matt. What happened? Did you slit your wrists again because you couldn't handle it? Did you get so sick of life that you decided it was better of without you? Did you feel like trying to kill yourself again? Do you enjoy suicide and wanted to attempt it again? Huh? Would you rather me say something like that?" He was yelling at me now, really yelling. It hurt. I never thought Otousan could be so cruel.
"That's not fair!" I half shouted at him, half sobbed. "You have no right to attack me like that! It's not like I try to.. to.." I couldn't go on anymore. I was crying too hard now, and I was mad at 'tousan for yelling at me the way he did. So I just stood there, crying, hating him and hating myself. I was sick of this, so sick of it all. Nothing was ever normal anymore. Everything was just wrong. It was changed and different and it left me unhappy. I didn't like it anymore. I just wished things would go back to the way they'd been before.
"Matt..." 'tousan said, pained.
I didn't look at him. "You think I.." I let out another sob, then tried again. "You think I do it on purpose! You think I still want to kill myself!" How could 'tousan think that? I wanted to live now! I had a reason for staying alive! Taichi was my reason! Didn't 'tousan know that?
"Actually, no, I don't think that. I understand that you actually don't have control over your body. And you're right, I shouldn't have said those things. I'm sorry. But don't you understand how much I worry about you?"
"Why?" I wailed. "Why do you always have to worry so much about me? I hate it!"
"Look. Let me put it to you like this. What happens if you lose control and slit your wrists while no one is around? What happens if no one finds you until it's too late?"
I looked at him in shock. I'd never thought of it that way.. Even though I've slit my wrists numerous times, someone's always been around to save me, so I've never been in great danger of dying.
'tousan looked down at the floor for a bit, and when he looked back up, I was surprised to see he was crying. "I couldn't bear it if I lose you, Matt," he said. His voice trembled. "You're all I have left. I know I've never really showed it, but I really do care for you. I've been so scared for you. I've felt so helpless lately. You've been having so many problems, and I can't do anything to fix them, to make you okay again. And I'm so afraid I'll come home one day and find you dead on the floor in a puddle of your congealing blood. A repeat of the first time I found you.. I .. I can't .."
"'tousan," I said quietly. "I'm not going to die."
"You don't know that! You have once before."
"What?" I asked in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
He looked away. "The first time. You died on the way to the hospital, in the ambulance. Paramedics worked frantically for twenty minutes, and they were preparing to announce you DOA when suddenly your heart started again. They managed to keep you alive long enough to get blood in you again."
"Why.. why didn't you tell me this?" Oh man.. Suddenly I feel sick to my stomach.. I've died... I actually killed myself.. if they hadn't saved me then.. oh jesus.
I swayed, feeling dizzy and even more nauseous. I could have been dead right now. And think of all that I would have lost.. Oh shit.
I barely made it to the bathroom in time. Once I finished emptying my stomach's meager contents, I slumped down to the floor and started to cry. 'tousan's voice kept echoing in my head, telling me over and over that I had died.
"Matt? Matt, are you okay?" 'tousan was standing in the doorway, looking at me, worried.
I started to shake my head, then stopped because the motion made me feel sick. "Why didn't you ever tell me this?" I croaked out, still crying.
He came over to me and crouched down next to me. "What would have been the point?" he asked quietly. "There was nothing to gain in telling you. I knew it would just upset you."
"I could have lost everything. Everything! 'tousan, I'm so stupid. I don't want to die!"
"Now do you understand why I've been so worried about you?" he asked me, not unkindly.
"Yeah. Jesus 'tousan, I'm so sorry." I wiped my eyes with my hand, though it seemed to do me no good. The tears kept coming. I felt slightly embarrassed to appear so weak in front of 'tousan, but he didn't seem to mind.
He stood, and then held his hand out to me. I took it; he pulled me to my feet gently. I followed him to my room, where he made me lie down in bed. He pulled up the chair from my desk and sat down in it. He sat silently for some while, seemingly gathering his thoughts.
Some time later, he spoke. He chose his words with care, but I still didn't like what I was hearing.
"Matt.. have you perhaps considered that maybe your problems are a bit too large for you to handle by yourself?"
I looked away, knowing what it was he was delicately suggesting. I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about. "I'm not handling them by myself. I've got Taichi."
"Do you?" he asked me.
I gaped at him. "Of course I do!"
He waved that aside. "That's not what I'm talking about. Does Taichi really help you with your problems? Do you let him help? Do you open up to him? No one can truly help you unless you open up some and clarify what's troubling you."
"I.." I went silent. Of course I didn't open up to Taichi. I didn't want to bother him with my stupid problems.
"Somehow I don't think you do," 'tousan said.
"I'm fine, Otousan," I said stubbornly.
He sighed. "Matt, are you sure?" he asked me. "You're really, really sure?"
I nodded. "I can handle it. All it takes is time."
"Yes, but how much?" he murmured as he stood and left my room. I just looked after him.
How much indeed.
+-+-+-+
I woke the next morning to find Taichi's cheerful face hovering just above mine. Startled, I let out a yell. This caused Taichi to jump and stumble backwards. In his fall, he grabbed onto my arms and pulled me down on the floor with him. I landed on the carpet with a thud, bringing all my blankets with me. "Mou! Taichi!" I cried as I tried to extract myself from my tangled blankets.
He grinned at me sheepishly. "Sorry," he offered.
"Why are you here, anyways?" I asked him. "I thought you usually spent Sundays with your family."
"I do, but.." he trailed off, giving me a strange look.
"What?" I asked.
"Don't you know what day this is?" he asked me.
I shook my head.
"Man, are you out of it!" he exclaimed. "It's your birthday, remember?"
My birthday. In everything that had gone on lately, I had actually forgotten that today was my birthday. I was eighteen today. The birthday I'd been looking forward to for years. Yet, now that it was here, I wasn't as excited as I once might have been.
"Oh.." I said slowly. "Right. I did forget."
Taichi just gave me an incredulous look. "Matt, I can't believe you!"
I shrugged. "Yeah, well..."
"So what are we doing?"
"Huh?" I frowned at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, what are we doing for your birthday?"
I squinted my eyes at him. "What makes you think we're doing anything? I'm perfectly content to just sleep the day away."
"Yama, you can't do that! You're eighteen now!"
"I'm perfectly aware of that, Taichi."
"So you have to celebrate it!" he exclaimed, giving me his usual goofy grin.
I just groaned.
+-+-+-+
After a shower and a small breakfast, I felt somewhat more awake though no less annoyed at Taichi. I didn't care if it was my birthday or not, I'd had a bad day yesterday and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to be awake and end up thinking about what 'tousan had revealed to me.. that I'd... died. It was just too weird. I mean, I know people can die and then medical people get their hearts started again, but it usually doesn't take more than ten minutes. At least that's what I thought. I'd been dead for twenty, probably even a little bit more than that.
And then of course both 'tousan and Dr. Kaos had suggested I get professional help. I looked away, angry. I didn't need help, dammit! Not from stuck-up psychologists, anyways.
"Yama?"
I looked at Taichi, who was standing there looking at me, a worried expression on his face.
"Are you okay?" he asked me.
"I.. I'm fine, Taichi."
Taichi came over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder. "Are you sure? Because if you really don't want to go anywhere, we can stay here. I don't mind."
"I.. It's not that, Taichi. It's nothing, really. I'm sorry to worry you."
"Okay." He reached up and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "So, what are we doing then?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. It's not like I'd made any plans.."
"Weee~eeelll.... How 'bout we walk through the park while I think of something?"
I turned around to face him, raising my eyebrows. "Why can't you just think of something here and then we'll go out and do that something?"
"I don't know, because the park is pretty these days and because I just want to talk to you for awhile?"
I sighed. If Taichi wanted to talk to me about anything serious.. I don't know, I'd strangle him or something. But what the hell, why not?
I let out another sigh, this one defeated. "Allright, let's go."
He grinned. "Cool."
+-+-+-+
When we got to the park, Taichi grabbed my hand and held it. I tried to jerk away, but he just held firm, so I quit, lest I make a scene.
"Taichi!" I hissed at him. "Let go! Not in public!"
He just smiled at me. "Why not? You're mine. Why shouldn't I let the whole world know it?"
I fidgeted. "But Taichi.."
He knew what I was worried about. "No one's going to say anything, Yamato. They could probably care less. They're too busy with their own lives."
"Mweh.." I made a random discontented noise, causing Taichi to laugh.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked him, after his laughter had mostly subsided.
"Uh..well.." he fidgeted a bit, confirming that whatever he wanted to talk about, he knew I wouldn't like it.
"Well?" I asked, a touch more harshly than I meant to.
He looked away. "Um, nevermind. It's nothing really. Nothing that can't wait. We can talk about it another time."
//Does Taichi really help you with your problems? Do you let him help? Do you open up to him? No one can truly help you unless you open up some and clarify what's troubling you."//
//You died on the way to the hospital..//
"Yamato?"
My stomach lurched as dad's words from last night came back to me once again. Should I tell him now or not? I don't know.. I trust Taichi, and I love him, but I don't know if I'm really ready to talk to him that way or not... But relationships are all about trust and sharing, both good things and bad...
"Matt, are you okay?"
I looked up at Taichi, fighting the urge to get sick, and realized I'd started to tremble slightly. I willed myself to calm and smiled at Taichi. The smile felt all wrong, utterly fake and pasted on, but I forced it to stay on my face. "I..I'm fine. Just a little tired I guess."
"You sure?" he asked me, a worried look creasing the lines of his face.
I resisted snapping at him, that fake smile still plastered on. "I'm sure, Taichi. Come on, hows about we watch a movie?"
He looked rather relieved at the change in subject, and I decided I was glad I hadn't said anything. "Sure. What'll we see?"
I shrug at him. "Why don't we decide when we get there?"
He smiled back at me. "Allright."
Then we walked hand in hand towards the movie theater.
+-+-+-+
"..Yeah, but the ending totally sucked."
I frowned at Taichi as I pushed the button for the elevator. "You thought so? I rather liked it."
He shook his head. "Nah, everything was left unresolved. The ending wasn't quite complete. Too many things left open."
I pressed the button for my floor. "Maybe they plan on making a sequel, so they had to leave some things open."
Taichi was silent for a few moments, pondering this.
The elevator doors tinged open. I stepped out, Taichi following.
"I don't know, Yama," he said, waiting for me to unlock the door to my apartment. "It didn't really seem like there was anything to base a sequel on.. I think the ending was just done horribly, that's all."
I shrugged. "Perhaps. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?"
He snickered. "I think we'll be waiting a long time."
"Matt, is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me 'tousan. Tadaima."
He appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. "Okaeri. Where'd you two go?"
"Oh, just out to the movies."
He blinked and then nodded, as if the concept of going out to see a movie was foreign to him or something. "Well, did you have a good time?"
I grinned at him. "Yeah."
"That's good." He smiled at me, then went back to his room.
I motioned at Tai. "Come on."
"Where are we going?" he questioned, looking at me, confused, but obediently following me anyways.
"My room." I'd thought about it all during the movie (which was why I thought the ending was okay--I don't really know what happened during the middle that well), and decided that I couldn't put it off. It was time for me to tell Taichi about Kento. The bruises on my body had faded, though the stab wounds were still there. And even though the pain in my mind still hadn't gone away, it was time. Tai deserved to know, had a right to.
He raised an eyebrow suggestively. "Oh, we are, are we?"
I thumped him lightly on the head, giving him a serious look. "To talk, Taichi."
"Oh. Heh, knew that." All of a sudden he looked kind of nervous. I don't quite understand. He's always the one wanting to talk and get me to tell him what happened, why is he so afraid now of finding out the answer?
I shut the door to my room and locked it as he went over and sat down on my bed, his back pressed up against the wall. I went and scooted in his legs, resting my head against his chest. I was so tired. This weekend had been so crazy, and I only got about two hours of sleep last night. Or this morning, rather.
"So what'd you want to talk about?" Taichi asked me.
I bit down on my lip, thinking how I could word this. "Um.. about my being in the hospital that time.." Oh yeah, great way to put it. I'd only been in the hospital about a million times by now. Luckily Taichi knew which stay I was talking about.
"Oh," he said softly. "Look Yama, I don't want to push you--"
I cut him off, putting a finger to his lips. "Shh," I said. "You're not. It's just.. 'tousan and I got into an argument last night, and, well.. I realized some things."
"What things?"
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. They're not important. But um, I just..that night. The night 'tousan found out about us.."
Tai grimaced. "That was such a horrible time."
"You have no idea. 'tousan threw out terrible accusations that night Taichi. I don't want to tell them to you because I don't want you mad at him anymore. But.. I got so mad.. I ran out of the house, away from him.." I closed my eyes, trying to block out the memories of that awful night, surrounded in an alleyway with the certainty I was going to die and no one was around to hear my screams..
I felt Taichi's gentle fingers on my face, wiping away tears I hadn't even realized were falling. He didn't say anything, but I knew he was waiting for me to go on. However, I also knew that if I stopped, he wouldn't ask me to continue unless I wanted to.
"I ran for a long time," I went on, my voice surprisingly steady in the face of these awful memories. "Then I turned down a side street, an alleyway.."
"Oh, oh Matt," Taichi said softly, hugging me close to him, guessing what was coming next.
"Kento was there... Said awful things.. Taichi, they meant to kill me that night!" I sobbed. "Sento had his knife out, and they kept threatening to cut my throat.. I knew I was going to die Taichi. It was only sheer luck I didn't.. You know what they did to me.."
Taichi nodded. "I know," he said hoarsely.
"I wasn't even found until Saturday.. I'd been so close to dying Taichi, so close! Two girls found me and called an ambulance... I didn't want to die Taichi! I was so scared! All the time I lay there, and then in the hospital before I really woke late Sunday, I kept drifting in and out of consciousness.. I didn't know what was going on, what had really happened or what would happen.. I got so scared anytime a doctor was nearby, or someone was talking. I thought it was Kento and them.. Until I woke, people couldn't talk when they were in my hearing range, otherwise I'd go into hysterics."
Tai's grip on me tightened. "I could kill Kento," he said, choking on the words. I looked up at him, and saw he was crying as well. I leaned into him more, letting him hold me, taking comfort and giving it at the same time. "I could kill him," he repeated.
"It wouldn't change what's already happened, Tai."
"Fucking bastard!" he fumed. "I thought if he'd go against anyone, it would be me. I didn't think he wanted you that badly."
"Neither did I, Tai. Neither did I."
End Part 8
Author's Notes: Yay! It wasn't forever before I finished this part and got it up on ffnet! Be proud of me ^-^ Of course, since there was a year gap in between chapters four and five, I've lost all of my readers but one.. I'm sad =(
So yeah, Yama finallys tells Taichi that it was Kento that hurt him so badly. And, because I've got two different ideas that want to divert off a bit, I think both Chapters 9 and 10 will be short, and they'll address both things that I want to do right now.. So I guess this sort of long chapter makes up for it, huh?
part nine
Digimon - NC-17 - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 14 - Words: 99633 - Updated: 11-21-05 - Published: 11-01-01
Disclaimer: It's not mine. Really... The song is Evanescence's Bring Me to Life. Ah, such an excellent song ^^
Author's Notes: Well, here I am, a year later, finally working on this story again. I didn't want to work on it if it wasn't on my laptop, but I finally came to the conclusion I wasn't getting a laptop anytime soon, and the story was sitting here unfinished... so I decided I'd finish it. So that's what I'm doing. First though, I'm going to go unload the dishwasher.
--->Translation:
|none, the song doesn't need one ^^;;|
Waiting
Chapter 8-Nothing But the Truth
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
*sequel to Untold Secrets*
|How can you see into my eyes like open doors
|Leading you down into my core
|where I've become so numb
|Without a soul
|my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
|until you find it there and lead it back home|
|Wake me up
|Wake me up inside
|I can't wake up
|Wake me up inside
|Save me
|Call my name and save me from the dark
|Wake me up
|Bid my blood to run
|I can't wake up
|Before I come undone
|Save me
|Save me from the nothing I've become|
|Now that I know what I'm without
|you can't just leave me
|Breathe into me and make me real
|Bring me to life|
"So, did you have a good time at Taichi's?"
I choked on my water, some of it dribbling down my chin. A good time wasn't exactly the words I'd use to describe last night. "Uh.. yeah, 'tousan. I had a great time."
I just spent half of it in the hospital, and the other half of it trying to avoid the Yagamis. Not that I'll say anything to 'tousan. I don't want him to know what happened last night.. He'll just worry unnecessarily, and he might not trust me to go anywhere else anymore. And I definitely don't want that.
'tousan raised his eyebrows at me, and I could see he didn't quite believe me. He wasn't stupid. He knew something was going on. He just didn't know what.
"Right," 'tousan said. He changed the subject. "Your band called looking for you while you were round Taichi's last night. I don't know which guy it was. Said he'd try calling you again today."
I let out a sigh. "Great. Ok, thanks for letting me know." It was probably Ny. Not that I have any idea what he might want. Unless it's band practice.
Tousan nodded and continued to study me, trying to figure out what it was I wasn't telling him. I shifted my eyes away from his intense gaze and stood, grabbing my bowl and carrying it over to the sink. Suddenly the atmosphere in the house seemed stifling. I wanted out.
"Eto.. I'm going to go take a walk, Otousan. I'll be back in awhile."
"Allright," he replied quietly. He seemed like he wanted to say something else, but decided against it.
I headed to my room to get my jacket. It had been cloudy all day, and was a little chilly outside. Besides, if it happened to rain, I had no desire to get caught out in it without anything warm.
Once outside the apartment building, I paused, looking around me a bit fearfully. I was afraid of seeing Kento again. However, seeing no one in sight, I decided it was safe and headed off in the direction of the park. On the way, I thought about Kento.
I hadn't told Taichi yet that it had been Kento who had put me in the hospital that time. After I had nearly blown up at him that day, he'd stopped questioning me.. but he hadn't stopped wondering. It was in his eyes when he looked at me. It was in his smile, his laugh. It was lingering in his voice when he spoke to me. That little question. Who, Yamato? Heck, he didn't even know if it was a who. I wouldn't tell him. And he had no one to ask. No one else knows exactly what happened to me. All Tousan and Dr. Kaos know is that I'd almost died. They didn't know who had hurt me so bad.
I closed my eyes against the onrushing memories. I still heard it in my head. It invaded my dreams at night. The cruel laughter of Kenji's brothers echoing around the alleyway. The taunts they flung at me. The questions they asked. The threats...
I blinked back sudden tears. I still remembered the attack, every vivid detail forever etched in my mind, on my heart.
I told you not to lie, DAMMIT!
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, standing stock still, trying to force away the awful memories of that closed alleyway. It wasn't working much.
"Matt?"
Surprised at hearing a familiar voice speak my name, I opened my eyes to see Dr. Kaos Akira standing in front of me.
Quickly I brushed away my tears with my fingers. "Dr. Kaos," I said. "What are you doing here? How come you're not at the hospital?"
"Even doctors have an occasional day off," he said with a laugh.
I felt my face growing warm at my stupidity. "Oh," I said. "I guess so."
He went and sat down under a tree, leaning his back against it. I followed and sat next to him. We remained in silence for a bit before I spoke.
"My friends and I used to come here a lot, when we were younger. We'd all have these big gatherings for the afternoon. Usually there'd be food, and we'd hang around and talk and play soccer..." I grew quiet, remembering those happy days, when I was still innocent, still unaware of the greater horrors of the world. "We never meet here anymore.." I added.
"Do you miss those days?" he asked me.
"Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I? Even with everything that happened in the Digital World, I was still happy. I had friends who cared about me and who didn't always feel compelled to walk on tiptoes around me. I wasn't afraid of people. Ken... Well, Ken was evil at first, but later on.. he became good. And he was a friend. A close friend. ....I guess he just got too close," I whisphered.
He sighs. "Matt, has anyone ever told you before that it's not your fault?"
I whip my head up and look at him in surprise. He knew... how did he know? I'd never told anyone before. I was too ashamed. "But it is," I whisphered.
"Why? Why is it your fault that he decided to take what he wanted without any regard to you or what you wanted?"
"Because.. I.. I encouraged him. I.. for awhile we were really close friends. Not as close as Taichi and I, but.. close. I'd always suspected he liked me. And I thought.. I thought a little flirting wouldn't hurt. I thought he had to realize there's no way I'd ever like him that way. So you see, it's my fault. I led him on, made him think I wanted him.." I hid my face in my hands, ashamed. I had. I'd purposely led Ken on. It was unforgivable. I'd known he'd had feelings for me, and I let him think I returned him. What he did to me was unforgivable, but it was all my fault. I never should have done what I did. I'm such a fuckup. I'm a horrible person.
"Matt, it's not your fault. I promise you. What-"
"But it is!" I cried out. "I led him, made him think I wanted him!"
"Ok, so maybe what you did was wrong. If you felt nothing for him, you shouldn't have made him think you did. But that didn't give him the right to do what he did to. You turned him down, he should have accepted that and left it alone. It never gave him the right to abuse you. He was just as wrong as you were, more so. He's responsible for his own actions, Matt. It wasn't your fault."
I was silent, thinking over what Dr. Kaos had said. He was wrong, he had to be.. but what if he wasn't? Even if I'd made Ken think I wanted him, I had turned him down. No matter what I'd done before, he should have recognized I didn't want to go out with him. He shouldn't have hurt me.. but if I'd never.. maybe he would have never asked me out.. no! I don't know that for sure. If he really liked me, he might still have asked me out. I can't necessarily say it's all my fault.. but at least part of it must be, right? Oh, I just don't know.
Sighing, I let out a sigh, and struggled to my feet. I looked at the world around me. There were lots of people in the park today. Many were smiling, laughing, having a good time. I bet a good many of them never had anything bad touch their lives, but I knew there were also probably people who had. Yet they were out here now, enjoying themselves, having a good time.. I longed to be like them. To put all the bad stuff completely out of my mind for good, to forget any of it ever happened, to be happy again. There was so much of the world I was still missing, so many good things yet to come.. And yet here I was, sitting here dwelling on all my problems, letting them drag me down to darkness. I should just be forgetting about them, working to get over them, going out and truly enjoying the world again. It was just so hard. I mean, everything Ken did to me, I'm mostly over that. I'm not as scared of him anymore, I can handle thinking about the abuse without falling to pieces. My nightmares of him aren't as frequent, I know he's not out to get me anymore. I'm not scared of sex the way I was before. I don't flashback to Ken every time someone says something that reminds me of the abuse. Ever since Ken came that day to my apartment.. it was just like, everything bad about him, everything I went through with him.. most of that didn't hurt me anymore. I mean, yeah, I still don't like to think about. I still think it's my fault, and I'll still never forgive him, but the pain just isn't as bad anymore. Most of my problems now revolved around Kento and his gang. They were the ones that were abusing me now. They were the ones that were shattering the little bit of self respect I'd managed to gain. They were the ones that were keeping me from the good parts of the world.. and for that I hated them, hated them with such passion, such smoldering desire to kill them.. and yet I was too damn scared, and for that I hated myself, hated myself so much..
"Matt?"
I looked down at Dr. Kaos, and as I did so I felt something wet dripping down my cheeks. I was crying. Fuck. What the hell is it with me? "Sorry," I mumble. "I didn't mean.."
"Matt, maybe you should consider getting some help. Have you ever thought about it before?"
I glared at him. "I don't need any help from a bunch of idiots who think they know everything and yet know nothing at all!"
"Matt, psychologists are not idiots. They're people who are qualified to help people like you with problems, people like you that have been through traumatic experiences and can't cope with it all alone."
"I can cope!" I shouted, though my voice lacked conviction. I couldn't cope. I knew I couldn't. That was part of my problem. I hated feeling so defenseless.
"You can't Matt. But I'm not here to tell you what to do. Hell, I'm just your doctor. What do I know about you?"
I'd hurt his feelings. Immediately I felt horrible. Dr. Kaos was one of the few people I trusted, one of the few people I felt like I could talk with. Who was I to yell at him when he was concerned about me and just trying to help? I'm such an idiot. "I.. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so mean."
He nodded, though I got the feeling that things weren't really okay.
"Look, I.. I gotta go. 'tousan will probably start worrying if I don't get back home soon. ...Thanks for talking to me."
He just nodded again. "Later Matt," he said quietly.
I gave him a little smile, then walked off.
+-+-+-+
"Matt? Is that you?" 'tousan called as I let myself in the apartment a short time later.
I rolled my eyes as I called back, "No 'tousan, it's some crazed murderer come to kill you."
He let out a small laugh. "Well, you never know. It could have been."
"And he'd use a key to open the door, right?"
"Okay, okay, point taken," he said as I walked in the living room. "How come you were gone so long? I was starting to get a little worried."
I looked away; why does he always have to get so worried about me nowadays? "I was perfectly fine, 'tousan. You shouldn't have worried. I just ran into Dr. Kaos at the park and stayed to talk with him for a bit."
"Ah," he said.
Okay.. "I'm going to go start dinner now, okay?" I passed him and started to go into the kitchen, eager to start dinner. I've always enjoyed cooking, and it will help my mind focus and take it off of other things.
"Wait, Matt," he said.
I turned and looked at him, suddenly nervous for some reason. Had he found out..? But Dr. Kaos promised not to tell him. He wouldn't betray me like that. Besides, Dr. Kaos wasn't at the hospital all day, he'd been at the park. So this wasn't anything. Then why was I so nervous?
I swallowed, tried to act cool and collected. "Yes?" I asked him.
"The hospital sent me a bill today," he began.
Oh hell. I didn't even think about that. Of course they'd bill us. I'd been in the hospital for a few hours last night, and they'd had to give me some blood, because I'd been a little low lately. Ever since Kento attacked me, and I'd nearly died, I'd been having to go in and get blood, because my count was still low enough to make them worry. "Oh?" I said, but it came out rather squeaky sounding.
He let out a sigh. "Why didn't you tell me Matt? Why didn't you tell me you had to go back to the hospital last night? Why did you go?"
I studied the carpet. It needed to be vacuumed. I could see dirt and old food crumbs. Nasty. "Wasn't any big deal," I mumbled. "I just didn't want you to worry."
"What happened?"
I didn't answer him. There's just no easy way to tell your father you tried killing yourself. Again.
"Did you.. lose control of yourself again?"
I laughed bitterly. "Oh yeah, what a great way to put it 'tousan. Lose control of myself. Good one."
"Well, what would you rather me say?" He sounded genuinely angry now. "Gee Matt. What happened? Did you slit your wrists again because you couldn't handle it? Did you get so sick of life that you decided it was better of without you? Did you feel like trying to kill yourself again? Do you enjoy suicide and wanted to attempt it again? Huh? Would you rather me say something like that?" He was yelling at me now, really yelling. It hurt. I never thought Otousan could be so cruel.
"That's not fair!" I half shouted at him, half sobbed. "You have no right to attack me like that! It's not like I try to.. to.." I couldn't go on anymore. I was crying too hard now, and I was mad at 'tousan for yelling at me the way he did. So I just stood there, crying, hating him and hating myself. I was sick of this, so sick of it all. Nothing was ever normal anymore. Everything was just wrong. It was changed and different and it left me unhappy. I didn't like it anymore. I just wished things would go back to the way they'd been before.
"Matt..." 'tousan said, pained.
I didn't look at him. "You think I.." I let out another sob, then tried again. "You think I do it on purpose! You think I still want to kill myself!" How could 'tousan think that? I wanted to live now! I had a reason for staying alive! Taichi was my reason! Didn't 'tousan know that?
"Actually, no, I don't think that. I understand that you actually don't have control over your body. And you're right, I shouldn't have said those things. I'm sorry. But don't you understand how much I worry about you?"
"Why?" I wailed. "Why do you always have to worry so much about me? I hate it!"
"Look. Let me put it to you like this. What happens if you lose control and slit your wrists while no one is around? What happens if no one finds you until it's too late?"
I looked at him in shock. I'd never thought of it that way.. Even though I've slit my wrists numerous times, someone's always been around to save me, so I've never been in great danger of dying.
'tousan looked down at the floor for a bit, and when he looked back up, I was surprised to see he was crying. "I couldn't bear it if I lose you, Matt," he said. His voice trembled. "You're all I have left. I know I've never really showed it, but I really do care for you. I've been so scared for you. I've felt so helpless lately. You've been having so many problems, and I can't do anything to fix them, to make you okay again. And I'm so afraid I'll come home one day and find you dead on the floor in a puddle of your congealing blood. A repeat of the first time I found you.. I .. I can't .."
"'tousan," I said quietly. "I'm not going to die."
"You don't know that! You have once before."
"What?" I asked in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
He looked away. "The first time. You died on the way to the hospital, in the ambulance. Paramedics worked frantically for twenty minutes, and they were preparing to announce you DOA when suddenly your heart started again. They managed to keep you alive long enough to get blood in you again."
"Why.. why didn't you tell me this?" Oh man.. Suddenly I feel sick to my stomach.. I've died... I actually killed myself.. if they hadn't saved me then.. oh jesus.
I swayed, feeling dizzy and even more nauseous. I could have been dead right now. And think of all that I would have lost.. Oh shit.
I barely made it to the bathroom in time. Once I finished emptying my stomach's meager contents, I slumped down to the floor and started to cry. 'tousan's voice kept echoing in my head, telling me over and over that I had died.
"Matt? Matt, are you okay?" 'tousan was standing in the doorway, looking at me, worried.
I started to shake my head, then stopped because the motion made me feel sick. "Why didn't you ever tell me this?" I croaked out, still crying.
He came over to me and crouched down next to me. "What would have been the point?" he asked quietly. "There was nothing to gain in telling you. I knew it would just upset you."
"I could have lost everything. Everything! 'tousan, I'm so stupid. I don't want to die!"
"Now do you understand why I've been so worried about you?" he asked me, not unkindly.
"Yeah. Jesus 'tousan, I'm so sorry." I wiped my eyes with my hand, though it seemed to do me no good. The tears kept coming. I felt slightly embarrassed to appear so weak in front of 'tousan, but he didn't seem to mind.
He stood, and then held his hand out to me. I took it; he pulled me to my feet gently. I followed him to my room, where he made me lie down in bed. He pulled up the chair from my desk and sat down in it. He sat silently for some while, seemingly gathering his thoughts.
Some time later, he spoke. He chose his words with care, but I still didn't like what I was hearing.
"Matt.. have you perhaps considered that maybe your problems are a bit too large for you to handle by yourself?"
I looked away, knowing what it was he was delicately suggesting. I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about. "I'm not handling them by myself. I've got Taichi."
"Do you?" he asked me.
I gaped at him. "Of course I do!"
He waved that aside. "That's not what I'm talking about. Does Taichi really help you with your problems? Do you let him help? Do you open up to him? No one can truly help you unless you open up some and clarify what's troubling you."
"I.." I went silent. Of course I didn't open up to Taichi. I didn't want to bother him with my stupid problems.
"Somehow I don't think you do," 'tousan said.
"I'm fine, Otousan," I said stubbornly.
He sighed. "Matt, are you sure?" he asked me. "You're really, really sure?"
I nodded. "I can handle it. All it takes is time."
"Yes, but how much?" he murmured as he stood and left my room. I just looked after him.
How much indeed.
+-+-+-+
I woke the next morning to find Taichi's cheerful face hovering just above mine. Startled, I let out a yell. This caused Taichi to jump and stumble backwards. In his fall, he grabbed onto my arms and pulled me down on the floor with him. I landed on the carpet with a thud, bringing all my blankets with me. "Mou! Taichi!" I cried as I tried to extract myself from my tangled blankets.
He grinned at me sheepishly. "Sorry," he offered.
"Why are you here, anyways?" I asked him. "I thought you usually spent Sundays with your family."
"I do, but.." he trailed off, giving me a strange look.
"What?" I asked.
"Don't you know what day this is?" he asked me.
I shook my head.
"Man, are you out of it!" he exclaimed. "It's your birthday, remember?"
My birthday. In everything that had gone on lately, I had actually forgotten that today was my birthday. I was eighteen today. The birthday I'd been looking forward to for years. Yet, now that it was here, I wasn't as excited as I once might have been.
"Oh.." I said slowly. "Right. I did forget."
Taichi just gave me an incredulous look. "Matt, I can't believe you!"
I shrugged. "Yeah, well..."
"So what are we doing?"
"Huh?" I frowned at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, what are we doing for your birthday?"
I squinted my eyes at him. "What makes you think we're doing anything? I'm perfectly content to just sleep the day away."
"Yama, you can't do that! You're eighteen now!"
"I'm perfectly aware of that, Taichi."
"So you have to celebrate it!" he exclaimed, giving me his usual goofy grin.
I just groaned.
+-+-+-+
After a shower and a small breakfast, I felt somewhat more awake though no less annoyed at Taichi. I didn't care if it was my birthday or not, I'd had a bad day yesterday and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to be awake and end up thinking about what 'tousan had revealed to me.. that I'd... died. It was just too weird. I mean, I know people can die and then medical people get their hearts started again, but it usually doesn't take more than ten minutes. At least that's what I thought. I'd been dead for twenty, probably even a little bit more than that.
And then of course both 'tousan and Dr. Kaos had suggested I get professional help. I looked away, angry. I didn't need help, dammit! Not from stuck-up psychologists, anyways.
"Yama?"
I looked at Taichi, who was standing there looking at me, a worried expression on his face.
"Are you okay?" he asked me.
"I.. I'm fine, Taichi."
Taichi came over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder. "Are you sure? Because if you really don't want to go anywhere, we can stay here. I don't mind."
"I.. It's not that, Taichi. It's nothing, really. I'm sorry to worry you."
"Okay." He reached up and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "So, what are we doing then?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. It's not like I'd made any plans.."
"Weee~eeelll.... How 'bout we walk through the park while I think of something?"
I turned around to face him, raising my eyebrows. "Why can't you just think of something here and then we'll go out and do that something?"
"I don't know, because the park is pretty these days and because I just want to talk to you for awhile?"
I sighed. If Taichi wanted to talk to me about anything serious.. I don't know, I'd strangle him or something. But what the hell, why not?
I let out another sigh, this one defeated. "Allright, let's go."
He grinned. "Cool."
+-+-+-+
When we got to the park, Taichi grabbed my hand and held it. I tried to jerk away, but he just held firm, so I quit, lest I make a scene.
"Taichi!" I hissed at him. "Let go! Not in public!"
He just smiled at me. "Why not? You're mine. Why shouldn't I let the whole world know it?"
I fidgeted. "But Taichi.."
He knew what I was worried about. "No one's going to say anything, Yamato. They could probably care less. They're too busy with their own lives."
"Mweh.." I made a random discontented noise, causing Taichi to laugh.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked him, after his laughter had mostly subsided.
"Uh..well.." he fidgeted a bit, confirming that whatever he wanted to talk about, he knew I wouldn't like it.
"Well?" I asked, a touch more harshly than I meant to.
He looked away. "Um, nevermind. It's nothing really. Nothing that can't wait. We can talk about it another time."
//Does Taichi really help you with your problems? Do you let him help? Do you open up to him? No one can truly help you unless you open up some and clarify what's troubling you."//
//You died on the way to the hospital..//
"Yamato?"
My stomach lurched as dad's words from last night came back to me once again. Should I tell him now or not? I don't know.. I trust Taichi, and I love him, but I don't know if I'm really ready to talk to him that way or not... But relationships are all about trust and sharing, both good things and bad...
"Matt, are you okay?"
I looked up at Taichi, fighting the urge to get sick, and realized I'd started to tremble slightly. I willed myself to calm and smiled at Taichi. The smile felt all wrong, utterly fake and pasted on, but I forced it to stay on my face. "I..I'm fine. Just a little tired I guess."
"You sure?" he asked me, a worried look creasing the lines of his face.
I resisted snapping at him, that fake smile still plastered on. "I'm sure, Taichi. Come on, hows about we watch a movie?"
He looked rather relieved at the change in subject, and I decided I was glad I hadn't said anything. "Sure. What'll we see?"
I shrug at him. "Why don't we decide when we get there?"
He smiled back at me. "Allright."
Then we walked hand in hand towards the movie theater.
+-+-+-+
"..Yeah, but the ending totally sucked."
I frowned at Taichi as I pushed the button for the elevator. "You thought so? I rather liked it."
He shook his head. "Nah, everything was left unresolved. The ending wasn't quite complete. Too many things left open."
I pressed the button for my floor. "Maybe they plan on making a sequel, so they had to leave some things open."
Taichi was silent for a few moments, pondering this.
The elevator doors tinged open. I stepped out, Taichi following.
"I don't know, Yama," he said, waiting for me to unlock the door to my apartment. "It didn't really seem like there was anything to base a sequel on.. I think the ending was just done horribly, that's all."
I shrugged. "Perhaps. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?"
He snickered. "I think we'll be waiting a long time."
"Matt, is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me 'tousan. Tadaima."
He appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. "Okaeri. Where'd you two go?"
"Oh, just out to the movies."
He blinked and then nodded, as if the concept of going out to see a movie was foreign to him or something. "Well, did you have a good time?"
I grinned at him. "Yeah."
"That's good." He smiled at me, then went back to his room.
I motioned at Tai. "Come on."
"Where are we going?" he questioned, looking at me, confused, but obediently following me anyways.
"My room." I'd thought about it all during the movie (which was why I thought the ending was okay--I don't really know what happened during the middle that well), and decided that I couldn't put it off. It was time for me to tell Taichi about Kento. The bruises on my body had faded, though the stab wounds were still there. And even though the pain in my mind still hadn't gone away, it was time. Tai deserved to know, had a right to.
He raised an eyebrow suggestively. "Oh, we are, are we?"
I thumped him lightly on the head, giving him a serious look. "To talk, Taichi."
"Oh. Heh, knew that." All of a sudden he looked kind of nervous. I don't quite understand. He's always the one wanting to talk and get me to tell him what happened, why is he so afraid now of finding out the answer?
I shut the door to my room and locked it as he went over and sat down on my bed, his back pressed up against the wall. I went and scooted in his legs, resting my head against his chest. I was so tired. This weekend had been so crazy, and I only got about two hours of sleep last night. Or this morning, rather.
"So what'd you want to talk about?" Taichi asked me.
I bit down on my lip, thinking how I could word this. "Um.. about my being in the hospital that time.." Oh yeah, great way to put it. I'd only been in the hospital about a million times by now. Luckily Taichi knew which stay I was talking about.
"Oh," he said softly. "Look Yama, I don't want to push you--"
I cut him off, putting a finger to his lips. "Shh," I said. "You're not. It's just.. 'tousan and I got into an argument last night, and, well.. I realized some things."
"What things?"
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. They're not important. But um, I just..that night. The night 'tousan found out about us.."
Tai grimaced. "That was such a horrible time."
"You have no idea. 'tousan threw out terrible accusations that night Taichi. I don't want to tell them to you because I don't want you mad at him anymore. But.. I got so mad.. I ran out of the house, away from him.." I closed my eyes, trying to block out the memories of that awful night, surrounded in an alleyway with the certainty I was going to die and no one was around to hear my screams..
I felt Taichi's gentle fingers on my face, wiping away tears I hadn't even realized were falling. He didn't say anything, but I knew he was waiting for me to go on. However, I also knew that if I stopped, he wouldn't ask me to continue unless I wanted to.
"I ran for a long time," I went on, my voice surprisingly steady in the face of these awful memories. "Then I turned down a side street, an alleyway.."
"Oh, oh Matt," Taichi said softly, hugging me close to him, guessing what was coming next.
"Kento was there... Said awful things.. Taichi, they meant to kill me that night!" I sobbed. "Sento had his knife out, and they kept threatening to cut my throat.. I knew I was going to die Taichi. It was only sheer luck I didn't.. You know what they did to me.."
Taichi nodded. "I know," he said hoarsely.
"I wasn't even found until Saturday.. I'd been so close to dying Taichi, so close! Two girls found me and called an ambulance... I didn't want to die Taichi! I was so scared! All the time I lay there, and then in the hospital before I really woke late Sunday, I kept drifting in and out of consciousness.. I didn't know what was going on, what had really happened or what would happen.. I got so scared anytime a doctor was nearby, or someone was talking. I thought it was Kento and them.. Until I woke, people couldn't talk when they were in my hearing range, otherwise I'd go into hysterics."
Tai's grip on me tightened. "I could kill Kento," he said, choking on the words. I looked up at him, and saw he was crying as well. I leaned into him more, letting him hold me, taking comfort and giving it at the same time. "I could kill him," he repeated.
"It wouldn't change what's already happened, Tai."
"Fucking bastard!" he fumed. "I thought if he'd go against anyone, it would be me. I didn't think he wanted you that badly."
"Neither did I, Tai. Neither did I."
End Part 8
Author's Notes: Yay! It wasn't forever before I finished this part and got it up on ffnet! Be proud of me ^-^ Of course, since there was a year gap in between chapters four and five, I've lost all of my readers but one.. I'm sad =(
So yeah, Yama finallys tells Taichi that it was Kento that hurt him so badly. And, because I've got two different ideas that want to divert off a bit, I think both Chapters 9 and 10 will be short, and they'll address both things that I want to do right now.. So I guess this sort of long chapter makes up for it, huh?
part nine