Tearing Me Apart, Epilogue
Yamato has been cutting himself for a year now, and wants help. However, he's afraid... can he find the courage to tell someone? Contains self-injury. Taichi/Yamato friendship fic. R&R please? Angsty!
Digimon - PG-13 - English - Angst/General - Chapters: 2 - Words: 16620 - Reviews: 16 - Updated: 12-9-03 - Published: 12-7-03
first part
Disclaimer: Digimon isn’t mine. Gee, imagine that. It belongs to Toei Animation and original creators and god I can’t type tonight!
Author’s Notes: Well, here’s the promised epilogue to Tearing Me Apart. It’s POV, because I love things POV. It takes place three years, when Yamato-tachi are 19 and other respective ages. Yamato and Taichi are in college right now, whee! Second year of it, too! Well, enjoy it ^-^
Tearing Me Apart:Epilogue
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
start: 7 December 2003 Sunday 2:11AM
“So, next Thursday at 4:00 okay with you?”
“Sure,” I tell her. “I don’t have classes on Thursday.”
She smiles at me, that same smile she gave me three years ago when I walked in here for the first time. “Well, I’ll see you then Yamato. Take care.”
I stand. “You too.”
As I’m walking home, I can’t help but wonder if the rest of my life is always going to be this. I know that recovering from what happened to me would take time, but it’s been three years! And the sad thing is that I’ve believed before that I was finally free of the cutting. This is my third relapse. Each relapse only brings me down lower. I don’t know if I can handle another.
I kick around a couple of clumps of melting snow. Spring will be here soon. I’m glad. Winter is always so depressing. Maybe I just think that because it was around winter when Eric chose to rape me. I don’t know. I’m sure Dr. Kaos would probably say that was why. But I’m not really sure. I don’t really have a concrete reason for why I think this, but the feeling is there nonetheless.
Because really, the truth is, I still liked Eric even after what he did to me. I never hated him, and I wasn’t really mad at him. I was more hurt, and confused and upset. I didn’t understand. I’ve always thought that if he had came and sought me out soon after it happened, and we’d talked about, my life would be so much better. I’d never have taken up cutting myself (Mou! I make it sound like a hobby, as if I’d taken up knitting or something), and I’d probably generally be a bit happier. Of course, I am happier than I was than when I began cutting. Part of that was because I used to be mad at my dad for never being around when I needed him. I thought he cared about his tv station and his stupid job more than me. But when he came early one night and found me with a blade buried in my arm, things changed. Not immediately. It took me awhile to finally understand that he did care about me, and for me to forgive him. And he had to learn how to finally be a dad. But in the end, we both learned, and our relationship is for the better because of it. On the down side, my relationship with my mother is for the worse. Not that we were on good terms to begin with, but now she just thinks I’m a freak and won’t have much to do with me. I’m just thankful she still lets Takeru see me. I don’t know what I’d have done is she forbid it. Probably just cut some more.
Now I’m fumbling around in my pocket for my key, which I can’t seem to find. Must have left it in the apartment. Damn... I hope Taichi’s home. I bang on the door and wait. Lucky for me, he’s back from his class. He opens the door and smiles at me. In his hand he’s dangling my keys. “Forgot something?”
I smile sheepishly at him. “Yeah... good thing you were here, huh?”
He merely smirks at me and moves aside for me to come in. Yeah, we share an apartment. But don’t get me wrong. We’re not involved. I mean, yes, okay, I’m gay. But Taichi’ straight, and even if he had been gay, we’d probably never become lovers. He’s my best friend, and I can’t imagine him meaning anything more than that to me, no matter how much I love him. And he feels the same.
“Taichi, if you were gay, could you ever see us being lovers?”
He smiled at me. “Tryin’ to tell me something, beautiful?”
I smacked him, not hard enough to really hurt. “No! Don’t be stupid. You’re my best friend. I’m just saying, if you were gay, do you think we could be lovers?”
“Mmm..” he srunched up his face for a moment, thinking about it I guess. “No, not really. Like you said, we’re best friends. I don’t think we could be any more. Why?”
“Oh, it’s just that this guy in one of my classes thought that we were together. I think a lot of people think that, since we live together and we’re pretty close.”
He laughed. “That’s a silly thing to base it on.”
I laughed with him. “Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”
“So how’d it go?’ Taichi asks me, breaking me out of my recollections.
I sighed. “Same as usual Taichi.”
“But what about the relapse? She wasn’t upset about that?”
“I was more upset than she was. I mean, it looks like I’m never going to be able to stop...”
“Sure you will. It just takes time, Yama.”
Time.... right. But how much more time? It really does feel like I’ll never be able to get past this. It did, once. I’ve finally worked out everything about my parents divorcing, and how I felt about that... I worked out how I felt about dad not ever being around, and the fact that my mom hates me.. Really, the only thing that feels unfinished to me is Eric. I never had a sense of closure with him.. Everything was just left suspended, hanging in mid-air. I wish I could see him...
“See who?”
“Huh?” I looked at Taichi in confusion, only then realizing I must have spoken aloud.. “I.. no one...”
“Eric, right?”
I didn’t respond, and Taichi sighed. “Why would you want to see him, Yamato? He messed up your life.”
“It’s just.. I feel everything was left incomplete. I need.. I don’t know, closure of some sort. I never really got any. He raped me, left, and I never saw him again except for that one brief moment three years ago. I just want to see him, ask him why...”
“If you feel that way, then why don’t you go talk to him?”
“What?” He can’t be serious, right? It’s a crazy idea!
“Go find him. Talk to him, like you want. Get a piece of mind. Maybe then you’ll finally stop cutting on yourself.”
“I don’t think he lives in the same place.”
“So? Look, here.” Taichi went and grabbed a phone book. “What’s his last name?”
“Zander. He’s American..”
“Eric Zander? Isn’t that sort of an unusual name?”
He shrugged and continued to play with my hair. “Well, I am American.”
“Really?” I looked up into his face. He smiled down at me gently.
“Yeah. I was born in America.”
Amazing... And to think I’d never known.. I guess I always thought his parents were fans of America or something, the way so many Japanese people are. “So how come your Japanese is perfect? Can you speak English?”
“Hello. I am Eric Zander. How do you do?” he said in English. His English was the same as most other Japanese- broken, painful sounding, not quite formed right. We laughed. “That’s pretty much the extent of my English. My parents moved here when I was just two. Whatever English I knew then, I’ve forgotten now.”
I smiled. “My foreign boyfriend.. You’d think I’d have realized it before, what with your name and all.. Man, I feel a little stupid now.”
He leaned over and kissed me softly, sweetly. “You’re forgiven.”
“Here it is!” He held out the phone book to me. “Zander, Eric. Here. Now you can go see him.”
I backed away from Taichi’s offering. No matter how much I wanted to see him, to go through with it would.. it’d be madness. Sheer stupidity. After all, even if he had truly seemed to care about me then, I had no reason to trust him after he raped me. And it’s not like he’d care about me now.
+-+-+-+
I spent all week thinking about what Taichi had said. Was it worth it, to risk everything for a boy who I’d once dated four years ago, and who shattered my trust and belief in everything with just the crude actions of one regrettable night? Was it worth it to throw away what I’d worked so hard for just for the boy I’d once been half in love with? I didn’t know. Wasn’t really sure I wanted to know. I knew that if I went and saw Eric, everyone would think I was crazy, perhaps with the exception of Taichi. And if dad got wind of it...
“Dad?”
He looked up from the book he’d been only half reading and focused his sleepy eyes on me. “Yes?”
I came over and sat down beside him on the bed, and he sat up. I didn’t say anything for awhile. I didn’t really need to. He knew that I wanted to talk, and would when I was ready. So we sat comfortably in silence for a bit.
“Dr. Kaos thinks that I should tell you something.”
“Tell me what?”
I looked down at my arms, the marks visible as always these days. In a sort of compromise to dad, I’d started wearing short-sleeved shirts around the house, that way he’d always know when I’d hurt myself again. Dr. Kaos was actually the one who suggested the idea.
“She thinks I should tell you the original reason behind these.” I didn’t have to define ‘these’, we both knew quite well what I was talking about. “She thinks that it would be good for me if I told you, and would help if you knew.”
“Well if you feel you’re still not ready, you don’t have to tell me you know. No matter how much of a good idea she thinks it is,” he pointed out to me. He took one of my arms in his hand and gently traced a cut. “This, I’m just happy to know about it. Right now it’s my main concern. You just tell me about the other whenever you’re ready.”
I smiled nervously. “But that’s just it. I think I am ready.. and you deserve to know anyway.”
He stroked my hair softly. “Thank you then. What is it you need to tell me about?”
I swallowed. This was it. No turning back after this point. If he condemned me, there’d be nothing I could do. “Well, about two years ago.. I started dating someone.” I paused. “A guy.”
I looked up at him when I said this, and though he looked slightly surprised, he didn’t seem to be disgusted or suddenly back away from me. I considered it a good sign, and went on.
“His name was Eric. He was originally from America, but moved here when he was two. I met him at one of my after-concert parties. We really liked each other, and started going together. He was my first boyfriend, and I think I was starting to-to really care about him.”
“Geez, how’d I miss all that?” dad muttered, but I knew he wasn’t upset. Still just a little surprised was all.
I grinned. “Sorry, but I had to keep it secret. Didn’t know how you’d feel about the whole gay thing.. Anyway.. that one night, when you worked all night..”
“I remember that night. I kept wishing I could go home. I felt anxious for some reason, and was sort of worried. I never did know why. Did something happen that night?”
I nodded sort of jerkily. “Yeah.. I.. Eric.. we were sort of involved-“ at the look on dad’s face I hastily said, “I mean, not like sex! I didn’t want that. We weren’t even touching each other like that! I just feel silly saying that we were-“ I blushed. “-kissing, to you, it’s just weird.”
“I guess it would be, at that.” He smiled slightly.
“Well, I don’t know what happened, I honestly don’t.. he just started taking things further. I didn’t want him to. I told him that and asked him to stop. He didn’t. He.. he.. it really hurt, and I cried and kept waiting for you to come home, but you never did..”
Dad’s face was very dark now. “Are you trying to tell me he raped you?”
I nodded hesitantly. “Um.. yes?”
“And you kept something like that secret?”
“You never came home! What was I supposed to do? I was scared and confused, and hurt all over. I’d thought Eric had really liked me, and I didn’t understand it all. I kept waiting and waiting, but when you finally came home, I didn’t want to come out anymore, didn’t want to open my mouth, didn’t want to have to make an effort any more. You just assumed I was sick, and then I started hating you for that. Because you hadn’t been there, and you didn’t notice anything was wrong. And then a month later I cut myself making dinner, and that’s what started everything.”
“This Eric just better be glad I don’t know where he lives..” he mumbled, then moved to hug me. “Otherwise, I’d kill him..”
I’ve never forgotten those words about Eric. I didn’t bother explaining to dad that I wasn’t really mad at Eric. I knew he wouldn’t understand. Instead, I had just let him hold me, and when he started to cry, I turned around and hugged him back, crying slightly myself.
But now... surely it was different now. I could find Eric.. I really could.. I had his address. I was fairly confident he’d at least remember me. And I could go tomorrow. I only had three classes, and they were all in the morning. After that I was free the rest of the day.
Do you realize what you are thinking?! My mind screamed at me. This is insanity! Complete and utter madness! Not only is it a crazy idea, but it’s a dangerous one as well! Eric isn’t the guy you thought he was! You have no idea what he could do to you now!
“Yes, but I want to find out,” I muttered.
“Did you say something Yama?”
I blushed. “Oh, just talking to myself Taichi.. sorry..”
“Talking to yourself is one of the first signs of insanity, you know,” he smirked.
I just winced. If only he knew.. “Taichi?”
“Hmm?” he put down his pencil and finally looked up from his work. He’d been sitting there doing it all evening. A far cry from the Taichi of high school, who wouldn’t do his work even when in danger of failing. I’m still not quite sure what happened.
“Do you really think going to see Eric is a good idea?”
“Well.... yes and no.”
“How do you mean?” I was pretty sure Taichi was probably thinking along the same lines I was, but I had to be positive.
“Ummm...” he scrunched up his face, thinking. “Let me put it this way. You want to see him again, right?”
I nodded.
“Okay. I think that’s a good idea. You feel things are left unfinished, incomplete. I know that when a person feels like that, usually they can’t recover from whatever trauma they’ve suffered from unless they resolve things in some way. You haven’t resolved things, therefore you can’t completely start healing. But if you went to see Eric, you’d finish whatever was started four years ago. You’d finally have some piece of mind, and so would be able to eventually totally recover from it.
“That’s the good part of it. The bad part, however. It’s a really fucking dangerous idea.”
I started. That hadn’t been quite what I was expecting him to say, and I told him so.
He just gave me a small smile. “It is, though. Eric isn’t the same person you began dating five years ago, Yamato. Who knows what might happen to you if you go visit him.”
“I know,” I said quietly. “That’s the main reason I’m not sure whether or not to go. I want to see him, Taichi. I really do. But I just don’t know if it’s worth it.”
“I think it is,” he told me. “Providing you don’t get hurt, I think that whatever he could say to you is worth going to hear.”
I let out a sigh. “I suppose you’re probably right..”
+-+-+-+
The next day I got called to Odaiba High. They had a new kid for me. When I say that, I mean that I was supposed to help counsel.
See, about a few months after I started seeing Dr. Kaos, my biology teacher, Tadaji-Sensei, became sort of concerned about me. I used to “use the bathroom” a lot during his class. What I’d do was go and cut for about five minutes, because he was a nice teacher and I figured he wouldn’t ask much too many questions. But he started worrying because I’d be doing it so much, and was always gone just a little bit too long. He used to send Taichi in after me sometimes, but Taichi wouldn’t ever tell him anything. So one day I was gone for about ten minutes. It’d been a particularly bad day. I don’t really remember why. But I just sort of lost it, and kept cutting and cutting.. my arm was pretty much nothing but blood when I finished. It was then that Tadaji Sensei walked in looking for me. Obviously, he saw my arm.
So all the school officials found out, and watched me closely after that. Especially Tadaji Sensei. Then when I started college, I decided to work at the school, counseling students who were dealing with self-injury. That’s the only kind of problem I’ll handle, and I usually only handle a few sessions with the student. Basically I’m just there to help the student tell his or her parents, and then it’s up to the parents to seek additional help. Taichi says I’m a saint to do this. I argue that it makes sense, since I have hands-on experience with this thing, and the school employed counselor doesn’t. It’s not like there’s all that many kids they discover cutting themselves or burning themselves or bruising.. there’s lots of many different forms of self-injury, and it’s hard to recognize the signs, especially when the kids make efforts to hide them. But ever since they discovered, they’d made a special effort to be more aware and get the kids the help they need.
The kid I saw today reminded me of me, actually. His parents divorced when he was little. His sister stayed with his mom, and he went with his dad. His mom has declared she wanted nothing to do with him, and his dad was always working... a lot like me. And too, what happened to me happened to me.. I’m hoping I can convince him to tell his dad soon. He’s even worse off than I was.
I walked home slowly, my mind half on the kid at school, the other half occupied with Eric. Should I? The little slip of paper with his address on it was in my pocket. I’d finally written it down, just in case I ever wanted it. I pulled it out and unfolded it. The creases were well worn. I’d already looked at it tons of times. I thought again of the kid, crying in the small conference room the school reserved for my sessions. I thought again of myself at fifteen, crying on the floor after Eric left, bleeding, hurt, not understanding.. I thought of how happy I’d been at fourteen, meeting Eric.. I knew right then he was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Acting on a sudden whim, I took the turn that would lead me in the direction of Eric’s apartment. I walked along quickly, nervously, wanting to do this before I could stop to consider it and change my mind. It was madness, what I was doing, but I knew if I didn’t do it now I’d be left unsatisfied for the rest of my life, always wondering what could have been. I pulled out my cellphone and quickly dialed a number.
Taichi answered it almost immediately. “Hello?”
“Taichi. It’s me.”
“Yamato! Where are you? I thought you would have been home hours ago!”
“I’m sorry. The school had someone new for me, so I had to see to that. I’m on my way to Eric’s now, actually.”
There was only silence from the other end.
“Taichi? Are you still there?”
“I’m here,” he replied quietly. “Just.. be careful, okay? And good luck.”
“Thanks.” I smiled. “Bai, Taichi.”
“Bai.”
I terminated the call just as I stopped in front of the building Eric lived in. I took a nervous breath and went inside. I found Eric’s apartment way too easily.
I raised my hand.
Knocked.
Nothing.
Then, “I’m coming, just a minute!” It was Eric’s voice. I almost turned and bolted. Then the door swung open and Eric’s face and body filled the doorway. He looked slightly confused. “Can I help you?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I could fast feel my resolve crumbling. I tried again. “I.. I.....”
He frowned and peered at me closely. “Do I know you from somewhere?”
“Uh-uh-I-Eric..” I was stuttering in panic and fear.
Suddenly it hit home; his eyes widened and he stumbled backwards in shock. “Yamato?!”
I almost fainted right then and there. Yet somehow I managed to gather my wits and calmly reply, “Hi Eric. Can I come in?”
+-+-+-+
The walk home was spent in a daze. I don’t really recall it. When I got to my place, though, Taichi was there waiting anxiously for me.
“Yamato! You’re home, finally! You’ve been gone so long, I was worried! I didn’t know if something had happened to you or what! So how did it go, was it alright, did he remember you, did he hate you or even talk to, he didn’t hurt you did he because I was so afraid that he would, Yamato, Yama, Yama are you listening to me?”
Not really; Taichi was just babbling. I walked past him into our living room. Almost immediately I spotted my blade. It was sitting there on the table. I had left there two days ago, when I last used it. I walked over to it, looked down at it. Taichi immediately shut up his babbling and watched me. I stared down at it, thinking.
“I’m not offering you an excuse, Yamato. I can’t. There is no excuse for what I did. I just.. All I have is a reason, and I offer it to you in the hopes that you can try to understand a little better.”
“That’s all I ask, Eric. All I ever wanted was to just understand it.. You always seemed to really like me; heaven knows I was crazy about you. You’d always been so kind before.. I couldn’t figure out why-why..”
“Yamato?”
I looked over at Taichi briefly, then back down at the blade. Slowly, I reached down and took it. I held it in my hands, turning it over and over, studying it.
“Yamato? Are you okay? Did something happen at Eric’s?”
“I want to be friends again,” he said softly. “I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for what I did, but I hope that if someday you do, you’ll consider me.. I never stopped thinking about you all these years. I mean, I know it’s too much to hope that we could ever be lovers..”
“I thought about you too, Eric. I thought about you a lot. I tried to understand.. I kept hoping you’d come and see me, explain yourself, but you didn’t..” I smiled awkwardly at him. “I’d sort of like to be friends again, too. I’d like to start over; I want to trust you. And-who knows? Anything could happen.”
I smiled softly, then tossed the blade to Taichi. “Here. I don’t think I’ll be needing this for awhile.”
He grinned and caught it easily. “Yamato!” He came over to me and hugged me, long and hard. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
My smile widened. “We’re starting over, Taichi,” I whispered. “Eric and I..things finally have a chance to be right.”
I know it won’t be easy. Starting over with Eric--that’s going to take a lot of time and patience. It’s going to be painful, and it’s going to hurt a lot. I know that just because I’ve finally sought Eric out again after all these years doesn’t mean I’m automatically going to be able to stop cutting. But knowing that things can be alright between Eric and me--it will help. A lot. It’s going to be hard. But I’m hoping that in the end, it will all be worth it.
Now I just have to figure out how to break it to my dad.
© 2003 butterflie 9 December 2003 Tuesday 9:42PM
Author’s Notes: well, the epilogue turned out a little longer than I’d meant it to, but that’s okay, isn’t it? ^^;; Thanks to everyone that reviewed! And so far, no one has figured out where the quote came from. Though I’ve discovered I must be the only person to read people’s disclaimers and author’s notes anymore. A reviewer gave me the name of the Linkin Park song exert I’d put at the beginning of the story, even though it clearly says both in the disclaimer and RIGHT AFTER the lyrics, “In the End, Linkin Park”. Come on, people, work with me here! But anyways, the song was called “Drip Drip Drip” and I have no idea who it’s by! If anyone does, let me know, I’d love to get more stuff by the guy! And my apologies to Taito fans out there, but I just needed a change of scenery, ya know?
Last few notes: I am SO sorry about the spelling mistakes in the story.. I could have sworn I ran my spell-checker, but either I was thinking of something else or my spell-checker went wonky on me. In fact, I’m almost positive I ran it. Sorry again!
Digimon - PG-13 - English - Angst/General - Chapters: 2 - Words: 16620 - Reviews: 16 - Updated: 12-9-03 - Published: 12-7-03
first part
Disclaimer: Digimon isn’t mine. Gee, imagine that. It belongs to Toei Animation and original creators and god I can’t type tonight!
Author’s Notes: Well, here’s the promised epilogue to Tearing Me Apart. It’s POV, because I love things POV. It takes place three years, when Yamato-tachi are 19 and other respective ages. Yamato and Taichi are in college right now, whee! Second year of it, too! Well, enjoy it ^-^
Tearing Me Apart:Epilogue
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
start: 7 December 2003 Sunday 2:11AM
“So, next Thursday at 4:00 okay with you?”
“Sure,” I tell her. “I don’t have classes on Thursday.”
She smiles at me, that same smile she gave me three years ago when I walked in here for the first time. “Well, I’ll see you then Yamato. Take care.”
I stand. “You too.”
As I’m walking home, I can’t help but wonder if the rest of my life is always going to be this. I know that recovering from what happened to me would take time, but it’s been three years! And the sad thing is that I’ve believed before that I was finally free of the cutting. This is my third relapse. Each relapse only brings me down lower. I don’t know if I can handle another.
I kick around a couple of clumps of melting snow. Spring will be here soon. I’m glad. Winter is always so depressing. Maybe I just think that because it was around winter when Eric chose to rape me. I don’t know. I’m sure Dr. Kaos would probably say that was why. But I’m not really sure. I don’t really have a concrete reason for why I think this, but the feeling is there nonetheless.
Because really, the truth is, I still liked Eric even after what he did to me. I never hated him, and I wasn’t really mad at him. I was more hurt, and confused and upset. I didn’t understand. I’ve always thought that if he had came and sought me out soon after it happened, and we’d talked about, my life would be so much better. I’d never have taken up cutting myself (Mou! I make it sound like a hobby, as if I’d taken up knitting or something), and I’d probably generally be a bit happier. Of course, I am happier than I was than when I began cutting. Part of that was because I used to be mad at my dad for never being around when I needed him. I thought he cared about his tv station and his stupid job more than me. But when he came early one night and found me with a blade buried in my arm, things changed. Not immediately. It took me awhile to finally understand that he did care about me, and for me to forgive him. And he had to learn how to finally be a dad. But in the end, we both learned, and our relationship is for the better because of it. On the down side, my relationship with my mother is for the worse. Not that we were on good terms to begin with, but now she just thinks I’m a freak and won’t have much to do with me. I’m just thankful she still lets Takeru see me. I don’t know what I’d have done is she forbid it. Probably just cut some more.
Now I’m fumbling around in my pocket for my key, which I can’t seem to find. Must have left it in the apartment. Damn... I hope Taichi’s home. I bang on the door and wait. Lucky for me, he’s back from his class. He opens the door and smiles at me. In his hand he’s dangling my keys. “Forgot something?”
I smile sheepishly at him. “Yeah... good thing you were here, huh?”
He merely smirks at me and moves aside for me to come in. Yeah, we share an apartment. But don’t get me wrong. We’re not involved. I mean, yes, okay, I’m gay. But Taichi’ straight, and even if he had been gay, we’d probably never become lovers. He’s my best friend, and I can’t imagine him meaning anything more than that to me, no matter how much I love him. And he feels the same.
“Taichi, if you were gay, could you ever see us being lovers?”
He smiled at me. “Tryin’ to tell me something, beautiful?”
I smacked him, not hard enough to really hurt. “No! Don’t be stupid. You’re my best friend. I’m just saying, if you were gay, do you think we could be lovers?”
“Mmm..” he srunched up his face for a moment, thinking about it I guess. “No, not really. Like you said, we’re best friends. I don’t think we could be any more. Why?”
“Oh, it’s just that this guy in one of my classes thought that we were together. I think a lot of people think that, since we live together and we’re pretty close.”
He laughed. “That’s a silly thing to base it on.”
I laughed with him. “Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”
“So how’d it go?’ Taichi asks me, breaking me out of my recollections.
I sighed. “Same as usual Taichi.”
“But what about the relapse? She wasn’t upset about that?”
“I was more upset than she was. I mean, it looks like I’m never going to be able to stop...”
“Sure you will. It just takes time, Yama.”
Time.... right. But how much more time? It really does feel like I’ll never be able to get past this. It did, once. I’ve finally worked out everything about my parents divorcing, and how I felt about that... I worked out how I felt about dad not ever being around, and the fact that my mom hates me.. Really, the only thing that feels unfinished to me is Eric. I never had a sense of closure with him.. Everything was just left suspended, hanging in mid-air. I wish I could see him...
“See who?”
“Huh?” I looked at Taichi in confusion, only then realizing I must have spoken aloud.. “I.. no one...”
“Eric, right?”
I didn’t respond, and Taichi sighed. “Why would you want to see him, Yamato? He messed up your life.”
“It’s just.. I feel everything was left incomplete. I need.. I don’t know, closure of some sort. I never really got any. He raped me, left, and I never saw him again except for that one brief moment three years ago. I just want to see him, ask him why...”
“If you feel that way, then why don’t you go talk to him?”
“What?” He can’t be serious, right? It’s a crazy idea!
“Go find him. Talk to him, like you want. Get a piece of mind. Maybe then you’ll finally stop cutting on yourself.”
“I don’t think he lives in the same place.”
“So? Look, here.” Taichi went and grabbed a phone book. “What’s his last name?”
“Zander. He’s American..”
“Eric Zander? Isn’t that sort of an unusual name?”
He shrugged and continued to play with my hair. “Well, I am American.”
“Really?” I looked up into his face. He smiled down at me gently.
“Yeah. I was born in America.”
Amazing... And to think I’d never known.. I guess I always thought his parents were fans of America or something, the way so many Japanese people are. “So how come your Japanese is perfect? Can you speak English?”
“Hello. I am Eric Zander. How do you do?” he said in English. His English was the same as most other Japanese- broken, painful sounding, not quite formed right. We laughed. “That’s pretty much the extent of my English. My parents moved here when I was just two. Whatever English I knew then, I’ve forgotten now.”
I smiled. “My foreign boyfriend.. You’d think I’d have realized it before, what with your name and all.. Man, I feel a little stupid now.”
He leaned over and kissed me softly, sweetly. “You’re forgiven.”
“Here it is!” He held out the phone book to me. “Zander, Eric. Here. Now you can go see him.”
I backed away from Taichi’s offering. No matter how much I wanted to see him, to go through with it would.. it’d be madness. Sheer stupidity. After all, even if he had truly seemed to care about me then, I had no reason to trust him after he raped me. And it’s not like he’d care about me now.
+-+-+-+
I spent all week thinking about what Taichi had said. Was it worth it, to risk everything for a boy who I’d once dated four years ago, and who shattered my trust and belief in everything with just the crude actions of one regrettable night? Was it worth it to throw away what I’d worked so hard for just for the boy I’d once been half in love with? I didn’t know. Wasn’t really sure I wanted to know. I knew that if I went and saw Eric, everyone would think I was crazy, perhaps with the exception of Taichi. And if dad got wind of it...
“Dad?”
He looked up from the book he’d been only half reading and focused his sleepy eyes on me. “Yes?”
I came over and sat down beside him on the bed, and he sat up. I didn’t say anything for awhile. I didn’t really need to. He knew that I wanted to talk, and would when I was ready. So we sat comfortably in silence for a bit.
“Dr. Kaos thinks that I should tell you something.”
“Tell me what?”
I looked down at my arms, the marks visible as always these days. In a sort of compromise to dad, I’d started wearing short-sleeved shirts around the house, that way he’d always know when I’d hurt myself again. Dr. Kaos was actually the one who suggested the idea.
“She thinks I should tell you the original reason behind these.” I didn’t have to define ‘these’, we both knew quite well what I was talking about. “She thinks that it would be good for me if I told you, and would help if you knew.”
“Well if you feel you’re still not ready, you don’t have to tell me you know. No matter how much of a good idea she thinks it is,” he pointed out to me. He took one of my arms in his hand and gently traced a cut. “This, I’m just happy to know about it. Right now it’s my main concern. You just tell me about the other whenever you’re ready.”
I smiled nervously. “But that’s just it. I think I am ready.. and you deserve to know anyway.”
He stroked my hair softly. “Thank you then. What is it you need to tell me about?”
I swallowed. This was it. No turning back after this point. If he condemned me, there’d be nothing I could do. “Well, about two years ago.. I started dating someone.” I paused. “A guy.”
I looked up at him when I said this, and though he looked slightly surprised, he didn’t seem to be disgusted or suddenly back away from me. I considered it a good sign, and went on.
“His name was Eric. He was originally from America, but moved here when he was two. I met him at one of my after-concert parties. We really liked each other, and started going together. He was my first boyfriend, and I think I was starting to-to really care about him.”
“Geez, how’d I miss all that?” dad muttered, but I knew he wasn’t upset. Still just a little surprised was all.
I grinned. “Sorry, but I had to keep it secret. Didn’t know how you’d feel about the whole gay thing.. Anyway.. that one night, when you worked all night..”
“I remember that night. I kept wishing I could go home. I felt anxious for some reason, and was sort of worried. I never did know why. Did something happen that night?”
I nodded sort of jerkily. “Yeah.. I.. Eric.. we were sort of involved-“ at the look on dad’s face I hastily said, “I mean, not like sex! I didn’t want that. We weren’t even touching each other like that! I just feel silly saying that we were-“ I blushed. “-kissing, to you, it’s just weird.”
“I guess it would be, at that.” He smiled slightly.
“Well, I don’t know what happened, I honestly don’t.. he just started taking things further. I didn’t want him to. I told him that and asked him to stop. He didn’t. He.. he.. it really hurt, and I cried and kept waiting for you to come home, but you never did..”
Dad’s face was very dark now. “Are you trying to tell me he raped you?”
I nodded hesitantly. “Um.. yes?”
“And you kept something like that secret?”
“You never came home! What was I supposed to do? I was scared and confused, and hurt all over. I’d thought Eric had really liked me, and I didn’t understand it all. I kept waiting and waiting, but when you finally came home, I didn’t want to come out anymore, didn’t want to open my mouth, didn’t want to have to make an effort any more. You just assumed I was sick, and then I started hating you for that. Because you hadn’t been there, and you didn’t notice anything was wrong. And then a month later I cut myself making dinner, and that’s what started everything.”
“This Eric just better be glad I don’t know where he lives..” he mumbled, then moved to hug me. “Otherwise, I’d kill him..”
I’ve never forgotten those words about Eric. I didn’t bother explaining to dad that I wasn’t really mad at Eric. I knew he wouldn’t understand. Instead, I had just let him hold me, and when he started to cry, I turned around and hugged him back, crying slightly myself.
But now... surely it was different now. I could find Eric.. I really could.. I had his address. I was fairly confident he’d at least remember me. And I could go tomorrow. I only had three classes, and they were all in the morning. After that I was free the rest of the day.
Do you realize what you are thinking?! My mind screamed at me. This is insanity! Complete and utter madness! Not only is it a crazy idea, but it’s a dangerous one as well! Eric isn’t the guy you thought he was! You have no idea what he could do to you now!
“Yes, but I want to find out,” I muttered.
“Did you say something Yama?”
I blushed. “Oh, just talking to myself Taichi.. sorry..”
“Talking to yourself is one of the first signs of insanity, you know,” he smirked.
I just winced. If only he knew.. “Taichi?”
“Hmm?” he put down his pencil and finally looked up from his work. He’d been sitting there doing it all evening. A far cry from the Taichi of high school, who wouldn’t do his work even when in danger of failing. I’m still not quite sure what happened.
“Do you really think going to see Eric is a good idea?”
“Well.... yes and no.”
“How do you mean?” I was pretty sure Taichi was probably thinking along the same lines I was, but I had to be positive.
“Ummm...” he scrunched up his face, thinking. “Let me put it this way. You want to see him again, right?”
I nodded.
“Okay. I think that’s a good idea. You feel things are left unfinished, incomplete. I know that when a person feels like that, usually they can’t recover from whatever trauma they’ve suffered from unless they resolve things in some way. You haven’t resolved things, therefore you can’t completely start healing. But if you went to see Eric, you’d finish whatever was started four years ago. You’d finally have some piece of mind, and so would be able to eventually totally recover from it.
“That’s the good part of it. The bad part, however. It’s a really fucking dangerous idea.”
I started. That hadn’t been quite what I was expecting him to say, and I told him so.
He just gave me a small smile. “It is, though. Eric isn’t the same person you began dating five years ago, Yamato. Who knows what might happen to you if you go visit him.”
“I know,” I said quietly. “That’s the main reason I’m not sure whether or not to go. I want to see him, Taichi. I really do. But I just don’t know if it’s worth it.”
“I think it is,” he told me. “Providing you don’t get hurt, I think that whatever he could say to you is worth going to hear.”
I let out a sigh. “I suppose you’re probably right..”
+-+-+-+
The next day I got called to Odaiba High. They had a new kid for me. When I say that, I mean that I was supposed to help counsel.
See, about a few months after I started seeing Dr. Kaos, my biology teacher, Tadaji-Sensei, became sort of concerned about me. I used to “use the bathroom” a lot during his class. What I’d do was go and cut for about five minutes, because he was a nice teacher and I figured he wouldn’t ask much too many questions. But he started worrying because I’d be doing it so much, and was always gone just a little bit too long. He used to send Taichi in after me sometimes, but Taichi wouldn’t ever tell him anything. So one day I was gone for about ten minutes. It’d been a particularly bad day. I don’t really remember why. But I just sort of lost it, and kept cutting and cutting.. my arm was pretty much nothing but blood when I finished. It was then that Tadaji Sensei walked in looking for me. Obviously, he saw my arm.
So all the school officials found out, and watched me closely after that. Especially Tadaji Sensei. Then when I started college, I decided to work at the school, counseling students who were dealing with self-injury. That’s the only kind of problem I’ll handle, and I usually only handle a few sessions with the student. Basically I’m just there to help the student tell his or her parents, and then it’s up to the parents to seek additional help. Taichi says I’m a saint to do this. I argue that it makes sense, since I have hands-on experience with this thing, and the school employed counselor doesn’t. It’s not like there’s all that many kids they discover cutting themselves or burning themselves or bruising.. there’s lots of many different forms of self-injury, and it’s hard to recognize the signs, especially when the kids make efforts to hide them. But ever since they discovered, they’d made a special effort to be more aware and get the kids the help they need.
The kid I saw today reminded me of me, actually. His parents divorced when he was little. His sister stayed with his mom, and he went with his dad. His mom has declared she wanted nothing to do with him, and his dad was always working... a lot like me. And too, what happened to me happened to me.. I’m hoping I can convince him to tell his dad soon. He’s even worse off than I was.
I walked home slowly, my mind half on the kid at school, the other half occupied with Eric. Should I? The little slip of paper with his address on it was in my pocket. I’d finally written it down, just in case I ever wanted it. I pulled it out and unfolded it. The creases were well worn. I’d already looked at it tons of times. I thought again of the kid, crying in the small conference room the school reserved for my sessions. I thought again of myself at fifteen, crying on the floor after Eric left, bleeding, hurt, not understanding.. I thought of how happy I’d been at fourteen, meeting Eric.. I knew right then he was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Acting on a sudden whim, I took the turn that would lead me in the direction of Eric’s apartment. I walked along quickly, nervously, wanting to do this before I could stop to consider it and change my mind. It was madness, what I was doing, but I knew if I didn’t do it now I’d be left unsatisfied for the rest of my life, always wondering what could have been. I pulled out my cellphone and quickly dialed a number.
Taichi answered it almost immediately. “Hello?”
“Taichi. It’s me.”
“Yamato! Where are you? I thought you would have been home hours ago!”
“I’m sorry. The school had someone new for me, so I had to see to that. I’m on my way to Eric’s now, actually.”
There was only silence from the other end.
“Taichi? Are you still there?”
“I’m here,” he replied quietly. “Just.. be careful, okay? And good luck.”
“Thanks.” I smiled. “Bai, Taichi.”
“Bai.”
I terminated the call just as I stopped in front of the building Eric lived in. I took a nervous breath and went inside. I found Eric’s apartment way too easily.
I raised my hand.
Knocked.
Nothing.
Then, “I’m coming, just a minute!” It was Eric’s voice. I almost turned and bolted. Then the door swung open and Eric’s face and body filled the doorway. He looked slightly confused. “Can I help you?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I could fast feel my resolve crumbling. I tried again. “I.. I.....”
He frowned and peered at me closely. “Do I know you from somewhere?”
“Uh-uh-I-Eric..” I was stuttering in panic and fear.
Suddenly it hit home; his eyes widened and he stumbled backwards in shock. “Yamato?!”
I almost fainted right then and there. Yet somehow I managed to gather my wits and calmly reply, “Hi Eric. Can I come in?”
+-+-+-+
The walk home was spent in a daze. I don’t really recall it. When I got to my place, though, Taichi was there waiting anxiously for me.
“Yamato! You’re home, finally! You’ve been gone so long, I was worried! I didn’t know if something had happened to you or what! So how did it go, was it alright, did he remember you, did he hate you or even talk to, he didn’t hurt you did he because I was so afraid that he would, Yamato, Yama, Yama are you listening to me?”
Not really; Taichi was just babbling. I walked past him into our living room. Almost immediately I spotted my blade. It was sitting there on the table. I had left there two days ago, when I last used it. I walked over to it, looked down at it. Taichi immediately shut up his babbling and watched me. I stared down at it, thinking.
“I’m not offering you an excuse, Yamato. I can’t. There is no excuse for what I did. I just.. All I have is a reason, and I offer it to you in the hopes that you can try to understand a little better.”
“That’s all I ask, Eric. All I ever wanted was to just understand it.. You always seemed to really like me; heaven knows I was crazy about you. You’d always been so kind before.. I couldn’t figure out why-why..”
“Yamato?”
I looked over at Taichi briefly, then back down at the blade. Slowly, I reached down and took it. I held it in my hands, turning it over and over, studying it.
“Yamato? Are you okay? Did something happen at Eric’s?”
“I want to be friends again,” he said softly. “I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for what I did, but I hope that if someday you do, you’ll consider me.. I never stopped thinking about you all these years. I mean, I know it’s too much to hope that we could ever be lovers..”
“I thought about you too, Eric. I thought about you a lot. I tried to understand.. I kept hoping you’d come and see me, explain yourself, but you didn’t..” I smiled awkwardly at him. “I’d sort of like to be friends again, too. I’d like to start over; I want to trust you. And-who knows? Anything could happen.”
I smiled softly, then tossed the blade to Taichi. “Here. I don’t think I’ll be needing this for awhile.”
He grinned and caught it easily. “Yamato!” He came over to me and hugged me, long and hard. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
My smile widened. “We’re starting over, Taichi,” I whispered. “Eric and I..things finally have a chance to be right.”
I know it won’t be easy. Starting over with Eric--that’s going to take a lot of time and patience. It’s going to be painful, and it’s going to hurt a lot. I know that just because I’ve finally sought Eric out again after all these years doesn’t mean I’m automatically going to be able to stop cutting. But knowing that things can be alright between Eric and me--it will help. A lot. It’s going to be hard. But I’m hoping that in the end, it will all be worth it.
Now I just have to figure out how to break it to my dad.
© 2003 butterflie 9 December 2003 Tuesday 9:42PM
Author’s Notes: well, the epilogue turned out a little longer than I’d meant it to, but that’s okay, isn’t it? ^^;; Thanks to everyone that reviewed! And so far, no one has figured out where the quote came from. Though I’ve discovered I must be the only person to read people’s disclaimers and author’s notes anymore. A reviewer gave me the name of the Linkin Park song exert I’d put at the beginning of the story, even though it clearly says both in the disclaimer and RIGHT AFTER the lyrics, “In the End, Linkin Park”. Come on, people, work with me here! But anyways, the song was called “Drip Drip Drip” and I have no idea who it’s by! If anyone does, let me know, I’d love to get more stuff by the guy! And my apologies to Taito fans out there, but I just needed a change of scenery, ya know?
Last few notes: I am SO sorry about the spelling mistakes in the story.. I could have sworn I ran my spell-checker, but either I was thinking of something else or my spell-checker went wonky on me. In fact, I’m almost positive I ran it. Sorry again!