Bleed, Chapter 1
Something is very wrong with Yamato, and Taichi's determined to get to the bottom of it. But is the cost of friendship worth it? Taito.
Digimon - R - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 37396 - Reviews: 33 - Updated: 4-16-04 - Published: 1-11-04
prologue
Disclaimer: I don’t own Digimon. Surprise, surprise, right?
Author’s Notes: mmm... more depressing Yama angst. Inspired by the song Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls. God I love this song. This is Yamachi/Taito, there’s not really a dominant one in this fic.Oh, and the POV switches in this fic every once in awhile. Every time there’s a +-+-+-+ that means the POV has switched.
Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ve ever been
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
Bleed
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
Chapter 1: To the Heart
“I think something’s wrong with Yamato.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Have you seen him lately, Hikari?” She shook her head. “He’s so distant.. it’s like he’s not there anymore. He’s acting like he used to in the Digital World, always wanting to be off by himself, always so angry and detached and not wanting to talk to anyone, except that this time it’s worse.”
“Maybe he just has a lot on his mind, Tai,” she said, trying to placate me.
I frowned. “Maybe, but I think it’s more than that, I really do. You should see him Hikari. At school he’s a complete wreck. You know I have every class with him but one, and not in one class has he paid attention, or had his homework, or done well on tests. He sleeps a lot, and he’s served detention almost every day. And it’s been like this for three weeks now.”
She frowned, and started to look a little worried herself. “I’ll ask Takeru if he knows what’s up.”
“NO!”
Hikari looked startled at my sudden shout, and I grinned sheepishly. “Sorry. But please, don’t bother Takeru. I don’t want to worry him if he doesn’t know anything. And you know Yamato always hates it when we try to pry into his feelings..”
My little sister smiled at me softly. “Yeah, he does, doesn’t he? Alright, I won’t ask Takeru. But maybe you should ask Yamato yourself if anything’s up.”
I snorted. “Yeah. Right. Like he’d tell me anything.”
“He might. He trusts you. I bet he tells you a lot of stuff he doesn’t tell anyone else. And if something is wrong, maybe he’d feel better knowing that someone noticed and cared. I’m sure his dad probably hasn’t noticed, since he’s always working..”
“That’s not a very nice thing to say,” I admonished her. “Mr. Ishida cares about Yamato.”
“I’m sure he does. He’s just not there for him.”
I let out a sigh. “I don’t want to ask him.”
“Oh, so now you don’t want to be there for him either?”
“I didn’t say that!”
“Not technically you didn’t.”
I groaned at her and finished off the last of the unagi. “Sometimes you can be a real pain, Hikari.”
“You’re the one who said something was wrong and you were worried,” she pointed out. “If I noticed something bothering Takeru, I’d ask him about it.”
“Yeah, but that’s because you two are going out, and he’ll tell you anything. Not to mention he doens’t have a ton of walls up like Yamato.”
“Takeru’s not the person he seems like, oniichan.”
“What the heck is that supposed to mean?”
“All I’m saying is that Takeru is as complex as Yamato, just in different ways. Look, just give it a shot. The worst that could happen is that Yamato doesn’t tell you.”
“And gets mad and doesn’t speak to me,” I groused. “God, I hate it when he does that. Here.” I handed her the last few takoyaki. “Want ‘em? I’m full.”
“Taichi? Turning down food?” she asked in mock shock. “This must be more serious than I thought!”
I stuck my tongue out at her. “Shut up.”
+-+-+-+
“Yamato?”
Honouring the piece of paper before me with one last scowl, I looked up at my dad standing in the doorway. “Yeah?”
Please, don’t let him ask what’s wrong again, I thought to myself. Otherwise I might scream. Or worse, break down and tell him.
“Phone for you. Taichi.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks, ‘tousan.”
He just nodded and retreated from my doorway, and I picked up the phone in my room. I waited for the click of dad hanging up the other phone before talking.
“Taichi?”
“Hey Yamato!” he greetd me, ever enthusiastic as usual.
“Hi Taichi. What’s up?”
“Well, we haven’t talked in awhile, so I thought I’d call you!”
“Taichi, we just talked to each other about five hours ago, after school let out.”
“Well that’s awhile!” he said defensively. “Isn’t it?”
Despite the numbness, I felt a small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. Taichi is the only person I know who can do that. No one else can, not even Takeru. I know the reason behind this, but it still never fails to amaze me. “Yeah, I guess it is,” I replied softly. “It is awhile. So what’d you really want?”
He laughed. “You know me too well. I guess I just wanted to know if I could come over?”
“Right now?” I asked, surprised as I glanced at my clock. It was nearing 8:30.
“Yeah, is that okay? Hikari’s having a friend from school over and I don’t want to sleep on the couch tonight.”
I chuckled, again amazed at myself for doing so. “Sure, I guess it’s okay. Just lemme ask my dad real quick, alright?”
“Okay. Hurry back!”
That’s a strange thing to say. I put down the phone and went down the hall to dad’s bedroom, where he was laying on his bed, reading.
“‘tousan?”
He put down his book and looked over at me.
“Is it okay if Taichi comes round tonight?”
“Yes, it’s fine. I’ve got to get to work early tomorrow morning though, are you boys going to be okay here yourselves?”
“We’ll be fine, otousan. We’re old enough to handle things ourselves for a day.”
“Okay then.”
“Thanks,’tousan!” I tried to smile at him, but it didn’t seem to be working, so I just ran back to my room and picked the phone back up.
“Taichi? He said it’s fine.”
“Really? Great! I’ll be round soon then, okay Yama?”
“Okay. I’ll let you in. Bye.”
“Bye!” He hung up, as did I. A quick glance around my room proved it was fit for company, and after shoving the stubborn song lyrics I’d been working on earlier in my desk, I went to the living room to wait for Taichi.
+-+-+-+
I hung up the phone and looked over at Hikari.
“Well?” she said.
I shrugged. “He bought it. And he said I could cme over. So.. I guess...”
“Well, that’s good! Now you can ask him what’s wrong.”
“Yeah, but I don’t know Hikari... I don’t know if this is such a good idea..”
“Why? You’ve been round to his countless times. And I’m sure he’s had things bothering him before that you’ve asked about, right?”
“Well, yeah, but this is a lot more serious. I don’t want to destroy our friendship. He’s always so touchy..”
She sighed at me. “Taichi, please, don’t be so nervous. Things will be okay. If he doesn’t tell you, just don’t push it, alright? It’s as simple as that. Now go on. He’ll start to wonder if you’re not there soon. And have some fun, okay?”
I’m taking commands from a fourteen year old. I rolled my eyes at her. “Yes, Mother. Whatever you say, Mother.”
“Oh stop!” she said, laughing. “Look, it will be okay. Just go!”
“Alright, alright, I’m going!” I exclaimed, grabbing the bag I’d packed earlier. I went out to the kitchen and said a quick goodbye to mom, then left the building and headed in the direction of Yamato’s apartment.
Despite what Hikari said, I was still really nervous. I knew something was seriously wrong with Yamato, and a few days ago when I’d tried asking him if anything was wrong, the glare he gave me sent shivers down my spine. It was so cold, so full of hatred and loathing.. I don’t think I’d ever seen Yamato look like that before. And I didn’t really care to see it again either. But I was afraid if I asked him again, I’d ruin the friendship between us forever. He’d told me nothing was wrong, and to drop it. I’d intended on doing just that, because I don’t know that I could live without Yamato. Yet now here I was, going round his, based on a lie no less, and I was going to attempt to find out what was wrong and probably thoroughly piss him off in the process and possibly lose him for life.
Nervous? Me? Of course not. Yagami Taichi is never nervous.
About ten minutes later, I reached his apartment. I turned the knob, expecting to find the door open like it usually is whenever Yamato knows I’m coming over.
It was locked.
Strange. Maybe he just forgot to open it. But no, he’d said he’d let me in, didn’t he? Which means he’d planned to leave it locked. Frowning, I knocked and waited for him to answer. When he did, I gave him a confused look. “Why’d you leave it locked?”
“Oh.. you know..” he looked a little uneasy. “Just.. not safe, and all...” He wasn’t looking at me. I could tell he wanted to drop it, so I didn’t press the matter.
“Oh. Well, you gonna move aside and let me in or you just gonna make me sleep out here in the hall all night?”
He blushed, and moved aside. “Sorry.”
Cute. He should blush more often. Inwardly groaning and shaking my head at myself, I followed him back to his room, setting my bag down in a corner. “Hey, thanks for letting me come over. Hikari’s friend was real obnoxious, and I think I would have gone crazy!”
He smiled gently at me for a moment. “It was no problem, really, Taichi. Although I considering leaving you there just to see if they’d give you a makeover and take a picture again...”
I gasped in pretend horror. “Yamato!” I acted hurt. “How could you? You promised you’d never bring that embarrassing incident up again!”
“What, no one’s around, it’s okay..” He grinned. “Besides, it’s fun to tease you and watch you get all pouty.”
“Hmph.” I pouted. “You’re mean.”
“Thank you,” he replied cheekily, laughing at me.
I was slightly put off. This Yamato I was seeing now wasn’t the same Yamato I’d been seeing at school. I almost tried convincing myself I’d just imagined him that way, but as his laughter quickly died, his face became solemn and serious, and his eyes looked all far-away again, and I knew I hadn’t. Besides, there was no way I imagined him not having homework or getting all that detention. And true, too, ever since I’d attempted to figure out what was wrong, he’d been more careful to hide that anything was, though he still did poorly in school.
“Why so quiet?” he asked suddenly.
“Huh? Oh nothing. What do you want to do?”
“I dunno, what do you want to do?”
“Got any food?” I grinned.
He just rolled his eyes. “Why am I not surprised? Come on, let’s go feed you.”
“Yay! Food!” I bounded after him down the hall to the kitchen. Truth tell, I was starving. I’d skipped supper earlier because I was busy trying to think up a way to ask Yamato if he was okay without things going too badly. I’d failed, but that was besides the point. The point was that I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch, and wanted food desperately.
“What do you want?” he asked me. I opened up his fridge unabashedly, looking inside. I’d been at his so much I practically lived here. I’d long ago gotten over feeling shy about going through his apartment. However, there wasn’t much in his fridge, and I didn’t think Yamato was really in the mood to cook for me. He had probably already cooked for his dad earlier. So I looked to see if he had any frozen foods, and, lo and behold, a pizza! Frankly, I’m not that fond of pizza, but if I’m really hungry, I’ll eat it, and I was really hungry.
“Are you saving this for anything important?” I asked, pointing to the coveted pie. “Or do you mind?”
He looked at it. “Wow, I didn’t even know we had that pizza. ‘tousan must have picked it up. Sure you can have it.”
“Thanks!” I yanked it out of the freezer and quickly tore off the box and stuck it in the microwave, too impatient to mess with the oven.
Yamato blinked. “Are you sure you want it.. in the microwave?”
“Sure, why not?” I looked at him. “Something wrong with your microwave?”
“No, but it tastes better cooked in the oven...”
I shrugged. “Too hungry.” I stared at the microwave, watching the time count down and wishing that 2 and a half minutes didn’t seem so long. When it finally beeped and I pulled out my plate with the pizza on it and turned around, I found Yamato staring amusedly at me. “What?” I asked, suddenly feeling slightly self-conscious.
“I’ve never seen someone studying a microwave so intently before,” he smirked.
“Oh shut up. I told you I was hungry.” I ignored him and attacked the pizza, taking a huge bite out of it. For a second I thought I was going to choke, but I managed to chew it all and swallow. For a microwaved frozen pizza, it wasn’t that bad. Not that I really cared, either. It was food.
“Yamato, I’m sick of this.”
“Hmm?” He glanced up from the tv screen, looking at me in small confusion.
“The movies. I’m tired of watching so many. A guy can only take so much, you know.”
“Good. I’ve been waiting for you to say that.” He stood up and turned off the vcr and tv, yawning as he did so. He stretched, still looking at me. “You ready to go to sleep now? It’s kind of late.”
I peered over at his clock, squinting to read the small red numbers. 1:16. Wow, it was kind of late. Later than I’d realized. And I still hadn’t talked to him yet. Well, maybe when we were in bed. It might be easier surrounded by the darkness of the room. “Yeah, I guess I am sort of tired, at that. I didn’t realize it was so late.” I stood as well, then went over to my bag and grabbed the boxers and t-shirt I always slept in at home. I changed quickly, not minding that Yamato was right there in the room with me. Not like he hadn’t seen anything on me before anyways. Hell, we bathed together in the Digital World way back when. However, he hadn’t changed yet, which I found slightly curious. Surely he wasn’t going to sleep in his clothes?
“Aren’t you going to change?” I asked him.
“Umm..” he blushed. “Yeah. I’m just going to take a quick shower first, since I forgot to before.”
I raised my eyebrows, but wisely didn’t say anything. “Alright. Where am I sleeping?”
His blush deepened. “You don’t mind sharing the bed, do you? I took the futon over to Takeru’s and forgot to bring it back.”
“Sure, it’s cool. As long as you don’t kick me in your sleep, or toss and turn, or steal all the covers.”
He stuck his tongue out at me. “Just make sure you don’t,” he threatened.
I made faces at him as he left.
+-+-+-+
I groaned as I sat there in the shower, letting the water wash over me. What was I going to do? I know Taichi knows something’s wrong, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to try to get me to talk about it tonight. And, I’m afraid to go to sleep. What will happen when he finds out I have nightmares all throughout the night now? What if I start bleeding again, like I do occassionally when I’m tossing around too much during sleep. What if I talk in my sleep, and say the wrong things? Why did Taichi have to stay over? Why did I have to say yes?
But it’s not like I really could have done much. If I’d told him no, he’d have gotten even more suspicious. And I can’t let him find out. I can’t let anyone find out.
But maybe he won’t ask me. I think I really scared him the other day, so maybe he knows well enough to leave it alone. Though that still doesn’t eliminate the problem of sharing a bed with Taichi. Oh God, what if he becomes dirty too? What if I somehow make him dirty?
Frantically I began scrubbing at my skin, trying to make myself feel clean, trying to forget the touch of another hand, trying to scrub away the sin I was soaked with. Trying to untaint myself. I’d been trying for three weeks now, and so far I still didn’t feel any better. I was still dirty, and wrong, and impure...
Sighing, I leaned my head against the wall of the bathroom, stopping my futile scrubbing. It wasn’t going to do any good. It never did. I still felt the same inside: empty, dead, detached. I looked down at my wrist. The mark was still there. It hadn’t completely healed yet. A stupid attempt to remove myself from this world that I’d regretted the second I’d done it. Thankfully I’d managed to stop the bleeding before it got serious. No one knew about it, and until the cut healed and couldn’t be seen, I intended to keep it hidden. I could only hope that it wouldn’t scar.
Sighing again, I shut off the water and got out of the tub. I pulled on a pair of black sweatpants and a black long-sleeved shirt. It was my sleepwear now. It was hot as hell, but at least it kept me covered. I just hoped Taichi didn’t say anything about it. After brushing my teeth, I went in to my room. Taichi was already there in the bed, with the lights off. Maybe he was asleep. Maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about--
“Yamato?”
No such luck. Of course. Taichi was never an easy sleeper.
“Yeah?” I asked him, crawling into bed.
“You were gone longer than I thought’d you be,” he said.
“Oh. Sorry.” I turned towards my clock, shocked to find I’d been gone nearly thirty minutes. It certainly hadn’t felt that long. I hope I hadn’t woken dad...
Taichi was silent for awhile as we lay in darkness, and I’d actually just started to drift off to sleep when he spoke back up. “Yama?”
Silently I cursed, wishing I could sigh, knowing I couldn’t, lest I offend him. “Yeah?”
“Well... nothing. Never mind. Forget it.”
Oh hell.
“No! Wait.”
Oh hell.
“Don’t forget it. I.. um.. look, I know you said you were okay the other day but the truth is I don’t think you really are I mean look at you the way you act in school it’s just not right you seem so distant and you’re doing so horribly in class and you always get detention and I know something’s wrong Yama I just know it is and I wish you’d tell me what I want to help you please, tell me.”
He spoke so fast I wasn’t even able to catch all of what he said, but it was enough. This time I did sigh out loud.
“Listen Taichi. I told you the other day. Nothing is wrong. I’m fine, really. Just sort of tired lately. I’ve been staying up late writing for the band. Please, stop worrying.”
He didn’t say anything to that, and I worried if I’d made him mad. “Taichi?”
“Dammit, Yamato,” he said in a low voice. He was seething. I winced. “I know something’s wrong. I’m not stupid! Why won’t you tell me? Don’t you trust me anymore? I thought we were best friends!”
“We are, idiot!” I yelled at him, momentarily forgetting it was 2:00 in the morning. “I don’t have to tell you every single little detail of my life Taichi! There isn't some little friendship clause that says best friends have to tell all! If there was something wrong and I wanted to keep it secret, then I should be able to without you pestering me. But there’s NOTHING WRONG!”
“Yes there is! Stop lying to me!”
“Last time I checked, Yagami Taichi-“ by now my voice was steel “-you were not me. Last time I checked, I was still the one in charge of my feelings and emotions, and if I say that nothing is wrong, then nothing.is.wrong. If you ask me again, then you can just go home, I don’t care how late it is.”
There was no response other than him turning his back to him. Shortly I could hear him crying, though he was trying not to let me know. But I didn’t apologize, and soon I found myself drifting off to sleep.
I woke to my choked off screams and a steady shaking motion that made me want to get sick. It was Taichi, trying to shake me awake. “Okay, stop! Stop Taichi, I’m awake.”
He stopped, and looked at me fearfully. “You’re awake now?”
“Yes, I’m awake, see, I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m awake.”
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
“You. You were mumbling in your sleep, and then you started crying, and then sceaming.. and I had to wake you, cos your dad’s already left for work.”
“Uhh... just a nightmare, I guess. I don’t remember now.” I remembered very well, but I wasn’t going to tell Taichi. I didn’t need him bothering me about my problems anymore.
“A nightmare? Hmph. And you say nothing’s wrong.. You’re not fine,” he muttered.
I decided to let it go. “What time is it?”
“About nine.”
Wow. I managed to make it through the night with only one nightmare waking me. An improvement. “Nine already? You want some breakfast? I’m feeling a bit hungry.”
“Sure!” He grinned, and the fight from last night was forgotten. “I’m always one for food!”
“Yes, yes, of course,” I murmured. I slid out of bed. Immediately, Taichi frowned at me. “Why are you wearing that?”
I frowned. “What’s wrong with it?”
“Didn’t you get hot during the night?”
“Not really. Usually I get a little cold sometimes.”
“It’s summer!”
“It rains a lot,” I retorted. “It actually gets quite cool sometimes.” I headed towards the door. “Come on, let’s go eat.”
“Food!”
Chapter 1 finale
Author’s Notes: *nods* Yep. Real interesting, huh? Aww, I’m fond of this. It’s a little short, but I like it. Is it angsty enough? I thought about having Taichi and Yamato not speaking to each other after their fight, but then I decided it was a little too angsty just for the beginning. So maybe later. Give me a holler and let me know what ya think, huh?
chapter two
Digimon - R - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 37396 - Reviews: 33 - Updated: 4-16-04 - Published: 1-11-04
prologue
Disclaimer: I don’t own Digimon. Surprise, surprise, right?
Author’s Notes: mmm... more depressing Yama angst. Inspired by the song Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls. God I love this song. This is Yamachi/Taito, there’s not really a dominant one in this fic.Oh, and the POV switches in this fic every once in awhile. Every time there’s a +-+-+-+ that means the POV has switched.
Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ve ever been
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
Bleed
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
Chapter 1: To the Heart
“I think something’s wrong with Yamato.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Have you seen him lately, Hikari?” She shook her head. “He’s so distant.. it’s like he’s not there anymore. He’s acting like he used to in the Digital World, always wanting to be off by himself, always so angry and detached and not wanting to talk to anyone, except that this time it’s worse.”
“Maybe he just has a lot on his mind, Tai,” she said, trying to placate me.
I frowned. “Maybe, but I think it’s more than that, I really do. You should see him Hikari. At school he’s a complete wreck. You know I have every class with him but one, and not in one class has he paid attention, or had his homework, or done well on tests. He sleeps a lot, and he’s served detention almost every day. And it’s been like this for three weeks now.”
She frowned, and started to look a little worried herself. “I’ll ask Takeru if he knows what’s up.”
“NO!”
Hikari looked startled at my sudden shout, and I grinned sheepishly. “Sorry. But please, don’t bother Takeru. I don’t want to worry him if he doesn’t know anything. And you know Yamato always hates it when we try to pry into his feelings..”
My little sister smiled at me softly. “Yeah, he does, doesn’t he? Alright, I won’t ask Takeru. But maybe you should ask Yamato yourself if anything’s up.”
I snorted. “Yeah. Right. Like he’d tell me anything.”
“He might. He trusts you. I bet he tells you a lot of stuff he doesn’t tell anyone else. And if something is wrong, maybe he’d feel better knowing that someone noticed and cared. I’m sure his dad probably hasn’t noticed, since he’s always working..”
“That’s not a very nice thing to say,” I admonished her. “Mr. Ishida cares about Yamato.”
“I’m sure he does. He’s just not there for him.”
I let out a sigh. “I don’t want to ask him.”
“Oh, so now you don’t want to be there for him either?”
“I didn’t say that!”
“Not technically you didn’t.”
I groaned at her and finished off the last of the unagi. “Sometimes you can be a real pain, Hikari.”
“You’re the one who said something was wrong and you were worried,” she pointed out. “If I noticed something bothering Takeru, I’d ask him about it.”
“Yeah, but that’s because you two are going out, and he’ll tell you anything. Not to mention he doens’t have a ton of walls up like Yamato.”
“Takeru’s not the person he seems like, oniichan.”
“What the heck is that supposed to mean?”
“All I’m saying is that Takeru is as complex as Yamato, just in different ways. Look, just give it a shot. The worst that could happen is that Yamato doesn’t tell you.”
“And gets mad and doesn’t speak to me,” I groused. “God, I hate it when he does that. Here.” I handed her the last few takoyaki. “Want ‘em? I’m full.”
“Taichi? Turning down food?” she asked in mock shock. “This must be more serious than I thought!”
I stuck my tongue out at her. “Shut up.”
+-+-+-+
“Yamato?”
Honouring the piece of paper before me with one last scowl, I looked up at my dad standing in the doorway. “Yeah?”
Please, don’t let him ask what’s wrong again, I thought to myself. Otherwise I might scream. Or worse, break down and tell him.
“Phone for you. Taichi.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks, ‘tousan.”
He just nodded and retreated from my doorway, and I picked up the phone in my room. I waited for the click of dad hanging up the other phone before talking.
“Taichi?”
“Hey Yamato!” he greetd me, ever enthusiastic as usual.
“Hi Taichi. What’s up?”
“Well, we haven’t talked in awhile, so I thought I’d call you!”
“Taichi, we just talked to each other about five hours ago, after school let out.”
“Well that’s awhile!” he said defensively. “Isn’t it?”
Despite the numbness, I felt a small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. Taichi is the only person I know who can do that. No one else can, not even Takeru. I know the reason behind this, but it still never fails to amaze me. “Yeah, I guess it is,” I replied softly. “It is awhile. So what’d you really want?”
He laughed. “You know me too well. I guess I just wanted to know if I could come over?”
“Right now?” I asked, surprised as I glanced at my clock. It was nearing 8:30.
“Yeah, is that okay? Hikari’s having a friend from school over and I don’t want to sleep on the couch tonight.”
I chuckled, again amazed at myself for doing so. “Sure, I guess it’s okay. Just lemme ask my dad real quick, alright?”
“Okay. Hurry back!”
That’s a strange thing to say. I put down the phone and went down the hall to dad’s bedroom, where he was laying on his bed, reading.
“‘tousan?”
He put down his book and looked over at me.
“Is it okay if Taichi comes round tonight?”
“Yes, it’s fine. I’ve got to get to work early tomorrow morning though, are you boys going to be okay here yourselves?”
“We’ll be fine, otousan. We’re old enough to handle things ourselves for a day.”
“Okay then.”
“Thanks,’tousan!” I tried to smile at him, but it didn’t seem to be working, so I just ran back to my room and picked the phone back up.
“Taichi? He said it’s fine.”
“Really? Great! I’ll be round soon then, okay Yama?”
“Okay. I’ll let you in. Bye.”
“Bye!” He hung up, as did I. A quick glance around my room proved it was fit for company, and after shoving the stubborn song lyrics I’d been working on earlier in my desk, I went to the living room to wait for Taichi.
+-+-+-+
I hung up the phone and looked over at Hikari.
“Well?” she said.
I shrugged. “He bought it. And he said I could cme over. So.. I guess...”
“Well, that’s good! Now you can ask him what’s wrong.”
“Yeah, but I don’t know Hikari... I don’t know if this is such a good idea..”
“Why? You’ve been round to his countless times. And I’m sure he’s had things bothering him before that you’ve asked about, right?”
“Well, yeah, but this is a lot more serious. I don’t want to destroy our friendship. He’s always so touchy..”
She sighed at me. “Taichi, please, don’t be so nervous. Things will be okay. If he doesn’t tell you, just don’t push it, alright? It’s as simple as that. Now go on. He’ll start to wonder if you’re not there soon. And have some fun, okay?”
I’m taking commands from a fourteen year old. I rolled my eyes at her. “Yes, Mother. Whatever you say, Mother.”
“Oh stop!” she said, laughing. “Look, it will be okay. Just go!”
“Alright, alright, I’m going!” I exclaimed, grabbing the bag I’d packed earlier. I went out to the kitchen and said a quick goodbye to mom, then left the building and headed in the direction of Yamato’s apartment.
Despite what Hikari said, I was still really nervous. I knew something was seriously wrong with Yamato, and a few days ago when I’d tried asking him if anything was wrong, the glare he gave me sent shivers down my spine. It was so cold, so full of hatred and loathing.. I don’t think I’d ever seen Yamato look like that before. And I didn’t really care to see it again either. But I was afraid if I asked him again, I’d ruin the friendship between us forever. He’d told me nothing was wrong, and to drop it. I’d intended on doing just that, because I don’t know that I could live without Yamato. Yet now here I was, going round his, based on a lie no less, and I was going to attempt to find out what was wrong and probably thoroughly piss him off in the process and possibly lose him for life.
Nervous? Me? Of course not. Yagami Taichi is never nervous.
About ten minutes later, I reached his apartment. I turned the knob, expecting to find the door open like it usually is whenever Yamato knows I’m coming over.
It was locked.
Strange. Maybe he just forgot to open it. But no, he’d said he’d let me in, didn’t he? Which means he’d planned to leave it locked. Frowning, I knocked and waited for him to answer. When he did, I gave him a confused look. “Why’d you leave it locked?”
“Oh.. you know..” he looked a little uneasy. “Just.. not safe, and all...” He wasn’t looking at me. I could tell he wanted to drop it, so I didn’t press the matter.
“Oh. Well, you gonna move aside and let me in or you just gonna make me sleep out here in the hall all night?”
He blushed, and moved aside. “Sorry.”
Cute. He should blush more often. Inwardly groaning and shaking my head at myself, I followed him back to his room, setting my bag down in a corner. “Hey, thanks for letting me come over. Hikari’s friend was real obnoxious, and I think I would have gone crazy!”
He smiled gently at me for a moment. “It was no problem, really, Taichi. Although I considering leaving you there just to see if they’d give you a makeover and take a picture again...”
I gasped in pretend horror. “Yamato!” I acted hurt. “How could you? You promised you’d never bring that embarrassing incident up again!”
“What, no one’s around, it’s okay..” He grinned. “Besides, it’s fun to tease you and watch you get all pouty.”
“Hmph.” I pouted. “You’re mean.”
“Thank you,” he replied cheekily, laughing at me.
I was slightly put off. This Yamato I was seeing now wasn’t the same Yamato I’d been seeing at school. I almost tried convincing myself I’d just imagined him that way, but as his laughter quickly died, his face became solemn and serious, and his eyes looked all far-away again, and I knew I hadn’t. Besides, there was no way I imagined him not having homework or getting all that detention. And true, too, ever since I’d attempted to figure out what was wrong, he’d been more careful to hide that anything was, though he still did poorly in school.
“Why so quiet?” he asked suddenly.
“Huh? Oh nothing. What do you want to do?”
“I dunno, what do you want to do?”
“Got any food?” I grinned.
He just rolled his eyes. “Why am I not surprised? Come on, let’s go feed you.”
“Yay! Food!” I bounded after him down the hall to the kitchen. Truth tell, I was starving. I’d skipped supper earlier because I was busy trying to think up a way to ask Yamato if he was okay without things going too badly. I’d failed, but that was besides the point. The point was that I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch, and wanted food desperately.
“What do you want?” he asked me. I opened up his fridge unabashedly, looking inside. I’d been at his so much I practically lived here. I’d long ago gotten over feeling shy about going through his apartment. However, there wasn’t much in his fridge, and I didn’t think Yamato was really in the mood to cook for me. He had probably already cooked for his dad earlier. So I looked to see if he had any frozen foods, and, lo and behold, a pizza! Frankly, I’m not that fond of pizza, but if I’m really hungry, I’ll eat it, and I was really hungry.
“Are you saving this for anything important?” I asked, pointing to the coveted pie. “Or do you mind?”
He looked at it. “Wow, I didn’t even know we had that pizza. ‘tousan must have picked it up. Sure you can have it.”
“Thanks!” I yanked it out of the freezer and quickly tore off the box and stuck it in the microwave, too impatient to mess with the oven.
Yamato blinked. “Are you sure you want it.. in the microwave?”
“Sure, why not?” I looked at him. “Something wrong with your microwave?”
“No, but it tastes better cooked in the oven...”
I shrugged. “Too hungry.” I stared at the microwave, watching the time count down and wishing that 2 and a half minutes didn’t seem so long. When it finally beeped and I pulled out my plate with the pizza on it and turned around, I found Yamato staring amusedly at me. “What?” I asked, suddenly feeling slightly self-conscious.
“I’ve never seen someone studying a microwave so intently before,” he smirked.
“Oh shut up. I told you I was hungry.” I ignored him and attacked the pizza, taking a huge bite out of it. For a second I thought I was going to choke, but I managed to chew it all and swallow. For a microwaved frozen pizza, it wasn’t that bad. Not that I really cared, either. It was food.
“Yamato, I’m sick of this.”
“Hmm?” He glanced up from the tv screen, looking at me in small confusion.
“The movies. I’m tired of watching so many. A guy can only take so much, you know.”
“Good. I’ve been waiting for you to say that.” He stood up and turned off the vcr and tv, yawning as he did so. He stretched, still looking at me. “You ready to go to sleep now? It’s kind of late.”
I peered over at his clock, squinting to read the small red numbers. 1:16. Wow, it was kind of late. Later than I’d realized. And I still hadn’t talked to him yet. Well, maybe when we were in bed. It might be easier surrounded by the darkness of the room. “Yeah, I guess I am sort of tired, at that. I didn’t realize it was so late.” I stood as well, then went over to my bag and grabbed the boxers and t-shirt I always slept in at home. I changed quickly, not minding that Yamato was right there in the room with me. Not like he hadn’t seen anything on me before anyways. Hell, we bathed together in the Digital World way back when. However, he hadn’t changed yet, which I found slightly curious. Surely he wasn’t going to sleep in his clothes?
“Aren’t you going to change?” I asked him.
“Umm..” he blushed. “Yeah. I’m just going to take a quick shower first, since I forgot to before.”
I raised my eyebrows, but wisely didn’t say anything. “Alright. Where am I sleeping?”
His blush deepened. “You don’t mind sharing the bed, do you? I took the futon over to Takeru’s and forgot to bring it back.”
“Sure, it’s cool. As long as you don’t kick me in your sleep, or toss and turn, or steal all the covers.”
He stuck his tongue out at me. “Just make sure you don’t,” he threatened.
I made faces at him as he left.
+-+-+-+
I groaned as I sat there in the shower, letting the water wash over me. What was I going to do? I know Taichi knows something’s wrong, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to try to get me to talk about it tonight. And, I’m afraid to go to sleep. What will happen when he finds out I have nightmares all throughout the night now? What if I start bleeding again, like I do occassionally when I’m tossing around too much during sleep. What if I talk in my sleep, and say the wrong things? Why did Taichi have to stay over? Why did I have to say yes?
But it’s not like I really could have done much. If I’d told him no, he’d have gotten even more suspicious. And I can’t let him find out. I can’t let anyone find out.
But maybe he won’t ask me. I think I really scared him the other day, so maybe he knows well enough to leave it alone. Though that still doesn’t eliminate the problem of sharing a bed with Taichi. Oh God, what if he becomes dirty too? What if I somehow make him dirty?
Frantically I began scrubbing at my skin, trying to make myself feel clean, trying to forget the touch of another hand, trying to scrub away the sin I was soaked with. Trying to untaint myself. I’d been trying for three weeks now, and so far I still didn’t feel any better. I was still dirty, and wrong, and impure...
Sighing, I leaned my head against the wall of the bathroom, stopping my futile scrubbing. It wasn’t going to do any good. It never did. I still felt the same inside: empty, dead, detached. I looked down at my wrist. The mark was still there. It hadn’t completely healed yet. A stupid attempt to remove myself from this world that I’d regretted the second I’d done it. Thankfully I’d managed to stop the bleeding before it got serious. No one knew about it, and until the cut healed and couldn’t be seen, I intended to keep it hidden. I could only hope that it wouldn’t scar.
Sighing again, I shut off the water and got out of the tub. I pulled on a pair of black sweatpants and a black long-sleeved shirt. It was my sleepwear now. It was hot as hell, but at least it kept me covered. I just hoped Taichi didn’t say anything about it. After brushing my teeth, I went in to my room. Taichi was already there in the bed, with the lights off. Maybe he was asleep. Maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about--
“Yamato?”
No such luck. Of course. Taichi was never an easy sleeper.
“Yeah?” I asked him, crawling into bed.
“You were gone longer than I thought’d you be,” he said.
“Oh. Sorry.” I turned towards my clock, shocked to find I’d been gone nearly thirty minutes. It certainly hadn’t felt that long. I hope I hadn’t woken dad...
Taichi was silent for awhile as we lay in darkness, and I’d actually just started to drift off to sleep when he spoke back up. “Yama?”
Silently I cursed, wishing I could sigh, knowing I couldn’t, lest I offend him. “Yeah?”
“Well... nothing. Never mind. Forget it.”
Oh hell.
“No! Wait.”
Oh hell.
“Don’t forget it. I.. um.. look, I know you said you were okay the other day but the truth is I don’t think you really are I mean look at you the way you act in school it’s just not right you seem so distant and you’re doing so horribly in class and you always get detention and I know something’s wrong Yama I just know it is and I wish you’d tell me what I want to help you please, tell me.”
He spoke so fast I wasn’t even able to catch all of what he said, but it was enough. This time I did sigh out loud.
“Listen Taichi. I told you the other day. Nothing is wrong. I’m fine, really. Just sort of tired lately. I’ve been staying up late writing for the band. Please, stop worrying.”
He didn’t say anything to that, and I worried if I’d made him mad. “Taichi?”
“Dammit, Yamato,” he said in a low voice. He was seething. I winced. “I know something’s wrong. I’m not stupid! Why won’t you tell me? Don’t you trust me anymore? I thought we were best friends!”
“We are, idiot!” I yelled at him, momentarily forgetting it was 2:00 in the morning. “I don’t have to tell you every single little detail of my life Taichi! There isn't some little friendship clause that says best friends have to tell all! If there was something wrong and I wanted to keep it secret, then I should be able to without you pestering me. But there’s NOTHING WRONG!”
“Yes there is! Stop lying to me!”
“Last time I checked, Yagami Taichi-“ by now my voice was steel “-you were not me. Last time I checked, I was still the one in charge of my feelings and emotions, and if I say that nothing is wrong, then nothing.is.wrong. If you ask me again, then you can just go home, I don’t care how late it is.”
There was no response other than him turning his back to him. Shortly I could hear him crying, though he was trying not to let me know. But I didn’t apologize, and soon I found myself drifting off to sleep.
I woke to my choked off screams and a steady shaking motion that made me want to get sick. It was Taichi, trying to shake me awake. “Okay, stop! Stop Taichi, I’m awake.”
He stopped, and looked at me fearfully. “You’re awake now?”
“Yes, I’m awake, see, I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m awake.”
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
“You. You were mumbling in your sleep, and then you started crying, and then sceaming.. and I had to wake you, cos your dad’s already left for work.”
“Uhh... just a nightmare, I guess. I don’t remember now.” I remembered very well, but I wasn’t going to tell Taichi. I didn’t need him bothering me about my problems anymore.
“A nightmare? Hmph. And you say nothing’s wrong.. You’re not fine,” he muttered.
I decided to let it go. “What time is it?”
“About nine.”
Wow. I managed to make it through the night with only one nightmare waking me. An improvement. “Nine already? You want some breakfast? I’m feeling a bit hungry.”
“Sure!” He grinned, and the fight from last night was forgotten. “I’m always one for food!”
“Yes, yes, of course,” I murmured. I slid out of bed. Immediately, Taichi frowned at me. “Why are you wearing that?”
I frowned. “What’s wrong with it?”
“Didn’t you get hot during the night?”
“Not really. Usually I get a little cold sometimes.”
“It’s summer!”
“It rains a lot,” I retorted. “It actually gets quite cool sometimes.” I headed towards the door. “Come on, let’s go eat.”
“Food!”
Chapter 1 finale
Author’s Notes: *nods* Yep. Real interesting, huh? Aww, I’m fond of this. It’s a little short, but I like it. Is it angsty enough? I thought about having Taichi and Yamato not speaking to each other after their fight, but then I decided it was a little too angsty just for the beginning. So maybe later. Give me a holler and let me know what ya think, huh?
chapter two