Bleed, Epilogue
Something is very wrong with Yamato, and Taichi's determined to get to the bottom of it. But is the cost of friendship worth it? Taito.
Digimon - R - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 37396 - Reviews: 33 - Updated: 4-16-04 - Published: 1-11-04
chapter six
Disclaimer: Hmm, yes... it's not mine.. it's Toei's..yay! You know, who was the original mangaka for this anyways? hmm...
Author's Notes: Well, here it is, the promised epilogue (which I accidentally called prologue in the last chapter, don't I feel stupid? thanks nEo-cHaN for pointing that out!). Umm.. I'm not sure of the warnings.. some angst still, obviously. mmm.. maybe some other things.. I don't know. I'm also considering a sequel for this. maybe. And somehow this went from being mostly Taichi's pov to mostly Yamato's. Now how did that happen? >.< And the time flow is still different for the different povs. They''ll all catch up eventually.
Ack! I am sorry this took longer than I'd intended to get posted. But see, the thing is, I found out that my number 1 favourite Jrocker, Miyavi, is going to be at A-kon this summer, and I can go!! (Except now his appearance is cancelled, dammit!) So I got very excited over that and got distracted. Sorry ^^;; And then I got a bit of writer's block, among a bunch of other things!o.O Oi! There's one-sided Kenkeru in this. Cute!
Bleed
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
Epilogue - Untouched
The first sound to flutter into my consciousness was low murmur of voices. The second was a steady beeping sound.
Opening my eyes, I winced when a bright fluorescent light hit them. I tried raising my hand but found it too weak.
"Don't move," I heard dad's voice instruct me. From the sound of it, he was somewhere to my left. Ignoring his command, I tried turning my head in his direction, but I found I was unable to do that either.
"Need.." I whispered, but my voice was so low and raspy I don't know if dad heard it.
Blindly, I reached out my hand towards him, glad I could at least move that.
I felt dad's hand close around mine. Comforted to find him so near, I closed my eyes and drifted back off into sleep again.
When I woke next, the room was much brighter, and I groaned as the light blasted my sensitive eyes. I had a pounding headache, and they weren't helping much.
I could feel dad still holding my hand.
Trying once more, I found I was able to turn my head enough to just bring him into my blurry focus.
"Otousan..." My voice was hoarse, and I still felt horribly weak.
His hand tightened on mine. "I'm here, Yamato," he said softly.
"Takeru... okay?" I had no idea what happened to my brother, whether he'd made it or not. The last I remembered was hugging his bleeding his, unconscious body to mine, crying and hoping he'd live. I feared greatly that he was dead.
"Un." Dad nodded. "Takeru's okay, Yamato. He's stable."
"See..."
Now he shook his head. "You're not well enough right now. Focus on getting your strength back first. Then we'll talk about visiting him."
As much as I wanted to see my brother, that didn't really seem like such a bad idea. I felt so drained..
A week later, I was able to remain awake for about nine hours. I could also sit up, keep down liquids and soft foods, and talk normally. I still felt like hell, particularly my right arm, but I was in much better mood and condition than previously.
"Tell me what happened when I passed out," I requested of dad. It was the next Friday. Dad stayed here with me in the hospital almost 24/7. He hadn't even gone in to work. I was grateful. I needed his presence and support, since only family was allowed to see me at the moment.
This would be the first time we chanced to talk about what happened. I still wondered just what did, after I blanked out.
Dad nodded. "Well, it was such a hectic chaos," he said. "The ambulance came racing in, and the men rushed in and started working on Takeru, and then another came zooming after the first, and those men shoved me aside and started in on you. Then about ten cop cars arrived, which of course drew out a bunch of gawking neighbors, and the press found out, and they showed up.. You guys were loaded into the ambulances and worked on some more, and the cops kept trying to ask me tons of questions. Microphones were thrown in my face, more questions shouted at me.. I brushed them all off in favour of bugging the medics, because I was frantic with worry about you and Takeru. I had no idea if you guys would live or die..." he stopped then, and seemed unable to go on.
I reached out and gently patted his hand. "Yeah, but we're okay now 'tousan," I said, hoping to make him feel better. Obviously I don't have much practice at comforting people.
He smiled at me. "Yes, but at the time I was terrified of losing you..."
"What happened to-" I paused, swallowed hard. "-to Oji?"
"The uh.. the coroner came. Zipped him up in a body bag and drove him away to the morgue, to get started on the autopsy."
I frowned. "Why did they need to do that? They know how he died.."
"Every violent death is always autopsied, even if they know the cause. And too, they needed to know ..well, how many times you uh, you stabbed him..."
I winced, trying not to think back to that night, how out of control I was, how out of touch with reality I got. I still find it hard to believe I've actually killed somebody, even if I was just defending Takeru. "How many?" I asked Otousan quietly, needing to know.
"Thirteen," he answered me bluntly, knowing better and not trying to soften the blow.
I sucked in a quick breath and looked away from him. "That many?" I asked him, trying to sound nonchalant. My shaky voice betrayed me.
"Everyone understands why, Yamato."
"Do they, really? Will the police understand?"
"You're not going to go to jail, if that's what you're worried about. Nor any kind of juvenile hall. You acted in self defense of you and Takeru. Everyone knows that."
"How can they prove it?"
"Takeru will back up your story, Yamato."
"How? He's too busy being a comatose vegetable." There was no mistaking the bitter tone to my voice. I wanted to add it was my fault he was that way, but I had a feeling dad would get mad, so I said nothing.
He was silent as well, and I got the feeling I had offended him. I bit down on my lip, but still didn't look at him. "Sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean it. I'm being dumb. Sorry," I said again.
"It's.. okay." He sighed. "I need to stand and walk for a bit before I forget how. Will you be okay in here by yourself?"
"Sure. What could happen? Not like I could do anything.. The second I'd try to stand, I'd collapse. I'll be okay, 'tousan. Go on. Go out and get some fresh air."
"Okay. I'll do that then."
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"I'm going to go home."
"Huh?" He raised his head from the table and looked at me.
"I said, I'm going home. At this rate, nothing is going to happen. Yamato's probably fine. We're just sitting here worrying for nothing. And there's school tomorrow, I don't want to keep you up late."
"Alright." Koushiro nodded and stood. "I guess that makes sense. But if you hear anything... call me, okay?"
I stood as well. "Sure thing."
"Thanks." I let him accompany me to the door, where I bid him goodnight and walked home.
I let myself in, and Hikari greeted me at the door. Her face was strained, and I could immediately tell she'd been crying earlier. My heart seized. "What?" I asked quickly, starting to panic slightly. "What is it?"
"Ms. Takaishi says that Takeru is missing."
I think my mind went blank then. "What?" I asked stupidly.
"Takeru is missing," she emphasized. "As in, no one knows where he is. No one has seen him since he left here hours ago."
"Oh my god..." I whispered. "Does 'kaasan know?"
"No... I didn't want to bother her..."
Shit.. Yamato! "God dammit Hikari!" I shouted. I grabbed her by the shoulders and began shaking her in frustration. "Why didn't you tell her?! You idiot! They could be dead by now! OKAASAN! OKAASAN!"
She came out of her bedroom, frowning when she saw what I was doing to Hikari. "Taichi, let go of your sister!"
Angrily, I shoved Hikari away from me. "Okaasan, Takeru is missing!" I told her. "Hikari's known for hours!"
Her eyes became worried. She turned to my sister. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I... I didn't want to bother you," she stuttered. She was starting to look sort of scared, as if she realized this thing went deeper than it seemed. Her eyes darted from mine to mom's. "Why? What's going on? What do you guys know?"
I ignored her. "'kaasan... we have to do something! We have to go over there and save them, or something! Yamato.. we can't just... leave him there..."
Mom let out a soft sigh. "I don't think that's such a good idea," she said quietly.
I shrieked. "What?! You can't be serious! You'd leave him there to-to ...only Kami knows, get killed or whatnot?"
"Of course not, Taichi," she soothed. "But if you go rushing in after him, you're likely to get killed yourself."
"I don't care! I have to save him!" I shoved past her and Hikari and ran to my room, locking the door behind me. Snatching up my phone, I called Koushiro.
One ring....
"Come on, I know you're there.."
Two rings...
Fingers drumming impatiently against the desk.
Three rings...
"Dammit!"
Four rings...
....
......."Hello?"
"Kou!" I almost cried in relief.
"Taichi? Why are you calling me? You just left."
I let out a shuddery breath. "Hikari says Takeru has been missing for quite a few hours."
He understood instantly. "Oh. Oh no."
"Yeah," I said grimly. "And mom just wants me to leave him there. I can't do that. I have to save him and Takeru."
Silence. Did the phone get disconnected? "Kou? You there?"
"I'm here," he said quietly. "Tai... I don't think it's very wise. It's risky and dangerous. You're liable to be killed or seriously injured."
"Don't you think I know that better than anyone? I saw, Koushiro. I saw what Yamato's uncle did to him. I know the risks. I'm not stupid."
"Then why?"
"Because I have to try. If I don't, and anything happens to either of them, I'll never forgive myself for the rest of my life. Ever."
"So why are you calling me?"
"I want your help. Are you in?"
A pause. Then, "yeah, I'm in."
"Good." A small smile briefly lit my face. "Listen, right now all I want you to do is call the rest of the gang. There aren't many, but call them anyways. Have them all gather at your place. I've got to make another call, I'll call you back in about twenty minutes, okay?"
"Sure. Sure, I'll do that."
"Thanks, Kou."
"No problem, Tai." He hung up.
I tried to swallow the sudden lump in my throat and dialed Mr. Ishida's number. There was no answer. This could mean a number of things. 1)He was asleep. After all, a]he was in a different country and b]I wasn't sure of the time change. 2)He was in the bathroom/shower. Possible, but I couldn't waste time calling him back. Every second was precious. 3)He was busy working. It was a business trip, right? 4)He was out somewhere, doing who knows what. 5)Unspeakable adult things. Not likely, considering Yamato always said he was too immersed in work to notice women. 6)He'd somehow managed to get back here.
I didn't put much faith in the last one. If planes didn't fly out of there Thursdays, how else would he get here? By ship would take forever.
At any rate, it didn't matter. He didn't answer. I couldn't waste any more time on him. I had to get to Yamato and Takeru. There was only one slight problem.
I had no fucking plan.
I hadn't bothered ringing Koushiro back, so he looked a bit surprised when he opened the door to my knocking and saw me standing there.
"You didn't call." It almost sounded like an accusation.
"Erm..yeah, sorry. I figured it'd be quicker if I just came." I followed him to the living room, where the other Erabareshi were gathered round. There weren't many. Sora, Jou, Daisuke, Ken. Miyako and Iori weren't there. I looked at Koushiro questioningly.
He shrugged. "No answer."
"Why are we here?" Daisuke asked, sounding utterly confused and lost.
I bit my lip. "It's... complicated. One of those 'long story' types. But the short of it is, Yamato has been staying with his uncle for the past week while his dad is on a business trip. His uncle has been... hurting him... and threatened to kill Takeru if Yamato told. Yamato told, his uncle found out. His uncle has Takeru. Koushiro and I are going to go save them."
"That's awful!" Sora gasped. Her hand flew to her mouth, I guess in shock or something. I don't know, I don't pretend to understand females.
"But Taichi," Jou spoke up, pushing his glasses up further on his nose, "are you sure-"
"I know the risks," I cut in. "I think it's worth it."
"Even if all four of you get killed?"
"At least I'll die knowing I did something, that I didn't just sit around and let them get killed."
There was nothing said to that, until Ken, who'd previously been doing his best to become with the couch, spoke. "I want to go with you guys."
Silence.
"What?" That was Daisuke.
Ken blushed. "I said I want to go with them."
"Dude, why?!"
Ken blushed more. "I just do." He looked towards me. "Can I, Taichi-kun?"
"Only if you knock it off with the Taichi-kun. Sheesh, Ken, we've known each other long enough, you don't need to call me that."
His eyes turned downcast. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"So what's the plan?" Koushiro asked. Everyone looked at me.
Damn. "Um... there isn't one."
"I'll have you know this is fucking crazy!" Koushiro hissed.
"It's not like I had a lot of time to think about it!" I retorted.
The three of us were crouched about five houses down from Yamato's uncle's house, hiding behind some random person's sidewalk bushes. We were kind of wary to go any further, really. So far, our only plan was, "get to the house and see if we can tell what's happening". Hell of a plan, huh? Ken's idea, actually. And he and Kou are supposed to be some kind of geniuses.
"Yeah, but you're the one who wanted to rush off and put yourself in danger to save Yamato."
"Oh excuse me for caring about my friends lives, I guess the next time you're in danger I'll just leave you there."
Koushiro merely sighed.
"Shhh!" Ken reprimanded. "I hear something."
We went silent and strained to listen.
"I don't hear anything."
"I thought... well, it sounded like shouting. It wasn't very loud..."
"It could have been."
I stood up, pants rustling noisily.
"Where are you going?" Ken asked.
"I want to get closer."
"What?" Are you crazy? Get back here!"
My lips curved into a disappointed frown. "Kou, there's not much point in my coming here to save them if I'm going to hide back here the whole time. If you guys want to chicken out on me, fine. But don't expect me to cower and whimper back here with you." With that said, I started walking. I was about two houses away from Yamato's uncle's when I heard Ken's little yelp. "Wait!"
I stopped and let him and Koushiro catch up. "It's not like I was planning on walking in there, I hope you guys realize that."
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I wondered where Taichi was. I'd been a week in the hospital, and there was no sign of him. He had to know I was here. I wondered if his absence was his choice or the doctor's. Most likely the latter. Taichi would never voluntarily avoid or abandon me. I know he wouldn't. Because he said he loved me. And Taichi wouldn't say that unless he meant it. He's not the type to so openly express his emotions like that. So if he said it, he definitely meant it. Which means that the only reason he's not here by my side is because the doctors aren't letting him be in here.
I wish he was, though. I really miss him. I need him. I need to see him. I want him to hold me and reassure me that everything will still turn out alright in the end. He said everything would, I'm still holding him to that. Especially with Takeru the way he is...
+-+-+-+
"Can you see anything?"
"No... but I can certainly hear..." Koushiro whispered back to me. "I just don't understand what's going on."
"Me neither. There's too much yelling.." I ached to burst inside and get Yamato out of there. I could hear all the insults his uncle was hurling at him, and I wanted to save him from all that. Yamato's self-esteem had suffered already within the past year, he certainly didn't need this. But I knew that to go in there unprepared would be stupid. We'd all get killed, no questions asked. And you know, I value my life. I'd rather live to see tomorrow, thanks.
"So what are we going to do?" Ken asked softly.
I sighed. "I don't know... I wish I could just go in there and save him, but I know I can't..."
"Reality bites," Koushiro said sympathetically.
All of a sudden, a loud scream pierced through the air, and then all three of us clearly heard Yamato's agonized shouting of his brother's name.
"Oh shit," I whispered. "I can't stand this anymore! I don't care what happens, I have to go in there!"
I stood, planning to go around front, but I felt a hand firmly grasp my wrist, holding me back. "Dammit, Ken, let go."
"No."
"Let go, I said!"
"No! I'm not letting you go in there so you can get killed!"
"I have to! Something's happened to Takeru! Anything could happen to Yamato too!"
"Takeru's not dead yet. Don't go, Taichi."
I glared at him. "Don't you even care about them?"
"Of course I care," he said quietly. "I care a lot. I don't want anything to happen to them either, especially Takeru." He blushed a bit. "But I don't want anyone else to get hurt. Please don't go."
"But I have to," I whispered, my eyes filling with tears. "Even if I die in there, at least I'll have done something to help them. Coming out here and listening to them be abused is not the idea of help I originally had in mind."
"Taichi-" Ken began, but then suddenly froze.
"What?" I asked him, wiping at my eyes.
"Shhh!"
"What-" Then I froze too. A car. A cab. Coming down the street.
"Taichi! Get back here! Quick!"
Reacting to Kou's words, I scrambled back behind the bushes, scraping my knees on the ground. "Ow," I hissed.
"Shh..."
The cab was slowing down in front of the house. It pulled up to the curb, the headlights briefly washing over our bushes. We ducked down lower, hoping we wouldn't be spotted.
"Who'd be coming here?" I asked in the softest of voices.
"Don't know," Kou replied, just as softly.
The door of the cab opened and a man jumped out, tossing some money in the cab before running to the house. Then he yanked open the door and disappeared inside.
We all stared at each other.
"Was that..."
"I thought you said..."
"How did he...?"
Mr. Ishida.
+-+-+-+
"Taichi!"
"Hi!" he bounded into the room, grinning madly. I felt like doing the same myself. I was so happy to see him. It was the first time since I woke up in the hospital, and the doctors finally felt that I would be able to handle a very few visitors. Obviously they hadn't met Taichi.
He came over to me and leaned down, gently giving me a hug before sitting on the edge of my bed. We were alone in the room, dad having gone home for the first time earlier to rest for a few hours while I visited with Taichi.
He reached over and smoothed back my hair. "So how are you feeling?"
I groaned. "Let's just say I've had better days."
He laughed. "Like crap, huh?"
"You could say that."
"When are they letting you out?"
I shrugged. The doctors hadn't said anything about releasing me yet. "Who knows? No one's said anything." Then I thought of something. "Hey, have you seen Takeru?"
He shook his head, solemn all of a sudden. "No. I asked, but they won't let me. No one has seen him except for your parents."
"Parents? My mom's been here?"
"Yeah..." Taichi responded uncomfortably. "She hasn't been in here?"
"Of course not," I replied bitterly. But then again, why should I have expected her to be? I'm just that son she once had. It's not like she cares about me or anything. Of course she'd care about Takeru too much to even think about me. "Don't need her anyways," I mumbled.
About a month later, the doctors felt I was recovered enough to go home for the first time. I walked into our apartment, my dad right behind me, ready to support me at a moment's notice if I felt too weak or dizzy. I paused for a moment in the living room, staring and taking it all in. It was so weird, everything felt so strange and surreal. It had been so long since I'd been here. It's like when you go away on vacation, and then you come back home and walk in and it doesn't feel like your house. Like it's someone else's that you're walking into, or like a place that was abandoned suddenly.
I continued on, going through the living room, passing through the kitchen and heading down the hallway, dad still following a couple paces behind. I turned the corner and reached my room. The door was shut, so I opened it. Then I just stood in the doorway, looking in. Everything was as I'd left it last, that night before I went to my uncle's. Untouched, just sitting there waiting for me to return home and resume life. My bed was still unmade, clothes were rumpled up on the floor from when Taichi and I stopped in. My song notebook was sitting closed on my desk, a pencil on top ready for me to pick it up and begin scribbling in the notebook.
What if I hadn't come back? What if my uncle had killed me, and I died? Everything would still be here, and I wouldn't come back to it. What would dad have done? Would he leave everything untouched, shutting the room up until the air grew old and stale, or would he clean it up and throw everything out, keeping but a few things as memories of his once son?
It was then that dad chose to ask, "Yamato? You okay?"
Suddenly I felt very overwhelmed by it all. It had been a long day, an even longer month. I was tired and out-of sorts, my arm throbbed where it had been stabbed, and these morbid thoughts weren't doing anything to help. Without even knowing I was going to, I let out a sob, breaking the hold I had on my emotions and releasing a flood of tears that just didn't want to stop. Dad didn't say anything, just turned me around and pulled me close to him in a tight hug, holding me, letting me cry. Normally I didn't like to be held by my father, because it felt weird, but for once I didn't mind. I was desperate for human contact and didn't much care who it came from.
After awhile I calmed down and pulled away from dad.
"Alright now?" he asked.
I nodded. "Sorry."
"Don't be."
I went over and sat down on my bed, letting out a soft sigh. Dad's worried eyes never left me, always watching, as if to reassure himself that I was still alive.
I gave him a small smile. "I'm not going to perish right under your eyes, you know."
He smiled back. "I suppose not. Are you hungry? I can get us something to eat."
Hungry? Food was actually the last thing on my mind right now, and the thought of it made me slightly sick to my stomach. But I didn't want to worry dad anymore than he already was. I could tell how much the past month had taken its toll on him. He looked like hell. And I did need to eat something. "Can you just get me some soup?"
"Soup?" He looked confused.
"Well, after all that hospital junk.. I don't want to overdo it." I shrugged, as if it was no big deal. I just hoped I'd be able to keep the soup down.
"Okay then. Anything in particular?"
"No... just whatever."
"Well I'll be going then. Will you be alright here by yourself, or do you want to have one of your friends come over?"
"I'll be fine, 'tousan. Go on. Go get the food."
"If you're sure. I'll be back soon. I'm taking my cellphone, so call if you need anything."
Once he was gone, I sighed and lay back on my bed, and looked at my arm. The bandage was still there, though in a few days I had to go back to the hospital to get it removed. I was afraid to, I had no idea what the scar might look like or how bad it would be. Gently I lifted up my shirt and inspected my stomach. Those bruises, thankfully, were gone. So were the ones on my cheek. My limp had disappeared a long time ago. The only evidence left of my uncle were the scars. The one on my arm, and the one on my wrist. The one from my stupid attempt at suicide. It had ended up scarring. The doctors saw it in the hospital, and they told my dad. He'd been upset. He cried, wanted to know why I did it. The doctors weren't nearly as caring. They just wanted to put me on suicide watch, no questions asked. It had been hard, but I'd explained to dad about it, and he managed to convince the doctors I wasn't suicidal. I'm glad, but I just wish it hadn't scarred over. I don't want to see that reminder every day for the rest of my life. Just the memories are bad enough. Stupid scars...
Though I suppose I should be thankful I won't have a scar like Takeru's. I'd seen it once, briefly, when Takeru was still unconscious and they let me visit him. Thankfully now he's awake, but he's not handling things too well. He's still trying to get a grasp on the whole thing... I'm just glad he's alive. I couldn't take it if he'd ended up dying because of me.
The next day the questions came. I'd been dreading them ever since I'd first woken up in the hospital, but my dad and the doctors were too focused on having me get better to care about the technical details.
But it had to be done. The doctors and the police needed to know, and of course there was to be an investigation into my uncle's death.. I may have had motive, but I did stab him a lot. I suppose they also wanted to evaluate my sanity and send me to a shrink too.
They let my dad do the questioning, thinking I'd be more comfortable telling him things rather than a bunch of strangers. As an additional courtesy, they decided to not even be present. They just gave my dad a tape recorder, told him what to ask, and that was that. I was rather glad, actually. The thought of telling a bunch of other guys I didn't know all the intimate things I'd let my uncle do did not sound very fun to me. As it was, I was uncomfortable enough just running the tape recorder, knowing they'd be hearing it later on. I dreaded the day when they'd have to interview themselves, and make it official. Ugh. Stupid cops, always needing to have everything legal.
Dad and I sat down at the kitchen table, the tape recorder between us. He turned it on and stated the date and time and location. He looked just as uncomfortable as I felt, which reassured me some. Then he cleared his throat and asked me to tell him the first time my uncle did something against my wishes.
I swallowed, wanting to block out the memories that automatically come rushing into my mind, and knowing I can't. So I tried to not think about the words I was saying. I explained how, the third I night I stayed at my uncle's house, while I was sleeping he came into my room. How he put climbed into bed on top of me, putting his hand on my mouth, telling me not to make a sound, saying I was a good and obedient boy, so quiet.. how he threatened to kill Takeru if I didn't do whatever he said. How he'd raped me. I had to close my eyes when telling that part of it, because I couldn't bear looking at dad's face. I knew if I did, I'd start crying.
Points for dad, he managed to remain calm, even when I talked about the other stuff my uncle did, not letting his emotions getting the best of him.
I didn't limit myself to the sexual abuse. I told him every injustice my uncle had ever committid against me.
"Tuesday afternoon, after school, I came in. He said something asking about my day, as if nothing had happened the night before. I responded that it had been the usual and then tuned him out. Then I realized he was angry and yelling something about homework. I didn't know what homework I had, so I asked him if I could call Taichi to ask about it. Then," I paused, trying not to cry. "Then he punched me hard, in the nose. It started to bleed, and I guess he got even more angry, because he punched me harder in the stomach. It hurt, and I sort of.. doubled over, so he kicked me and I fell down.. He kept kicking me, in my head and stomach, calling me a little shit and pathetic asshole and all kinds of other things. Then he told me to clean up the blood and call Taichi, but if I said one word... Takeru..."
"And what happened then?" Dad asked, sounding rather professional.
"He stormed out of the house, and I was too scared to do anything else, so I cleaned it all up and then called Taichi, but he wasn't home. So I just took a shower and then went and lay down, waiting for Oji to get back."
"When he got back, and found out you couldn't do your homework, was he angry or did he not care?"
"He was angry. He punched me some more, and then grabbed my arm and slung me into the wall.. and he came in my room later that night..."
It was hard explaining the next part. Every rape I had to relate to dad, even if they were virtually the same thing over and over. But the police wanted as much detail as possible, saying that this was a 'delicate investigation'. Delicate, my ass.
Finally we reached the climax of the story, the day my uncle had raped me so roughly that I no longer cared if anyone knew, and I called Taichi. I tried not to, but I ended up breaking down and crying. Dad didn't come over to me, sensing that wasn't what I needed at the moment. What I needed was to keep talking, to get it all out, so that's what I did.
"He ripped my clothes off, and I heard them tear, and I screamed. I screamed at him and begged him to not hurt me, and I started crying, but he just ignored me and took off his own clothes. And then.. he was on me, on top of me, in me, so sudden and quick, and I screamed again, because it hurt so much.." I stopped and put a hand over my face, taking several deep shuddering breaths, trying to calm a bit. It didn't really work. "He kept.. he kept thrusting in and out of me.. and there was so much pain that I couldn't even scream or cry or anything. But he just kept going on, proving his power over me, continuing to hurt me. And then he stopped suddenly, and his body sort of shuddered, and I knew he'd just.." I started to cry even harder. "Oh God, I can't say it 'tousan, I can't, please don't make me say it, I can't do this, can't think about it..." I blubbered. I kept trying to deny what I was saying, like it never really happened. If I didn't say it, it wouldn't be real. That's what I kept saying to myself.
But dad wouldn't let me off, though I could see in his face that he wanted to, wanted to tell me it was alright, he understood, I didn't have to say it.. Yet he couldn't do that.
He reached across the table, holding out his hand, and I gave him my own. He grasped it tightly, and it was somehow comforting. "Just say it when you're ready," he said. "You don't have to say it right away. Just calm down, and when you feel better we can continue."
"I'll never feel better," I said bitterly, but he didn't respond.
So I sighed, and continued, voice barely above a whisper. "He did that, and..." deep breath here "came.. in me.." and I had to stop again, unable to continue for crying. I felt dad's hand tighten around mine, soothing me, encouraging me. "After that, he left the house.. I don't know where he went. Somehow I was able to force myself to pick up the phone and call Taichi."
I sort of skimmed over this part, what went on at Taichi's was inconsequential, and didn't really affect the investigation. Besides, the officers weren't really interested in my love relationship with Taichi. So I just gave a quick summary, and went to the next day, when I'd walked in the house and saw my uncle with Takeru. Then I had to slow down and explain every tiny little detail, as this was the most crucial part of it all. This is what would really determine just how much I was to be blamed for the thirteen stab wounds. I took a long time telling it all, wanting to get everything right, not wanting to mess up any part of it. We went over it three times, to see if there were any discrepancies in my story. I guess the police had instructed him to do that. But there weren't. I knew what happened and I told it.
At long last we were done. Dad shut off the tape recorder and looked at me.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Gods, Yamato, I'm so sorry.. I never should have sent you there. I should have listened to you, should have realized something was wrong.." He kept on like that, apologizing for something that wasn't his fault. Not once did I hear him say "You should have told me", and I felt a lot better because of it.
"Otousan," I interrupted him. "Look, it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known, and I didn't tell you. There wasn't anything you could have done about it. Don't blame yourself. Okay? To you I just looked like a spoiled teenager in a hissy fit because I couldn't stay home alone."
He smiled a bit. "Well, I have to admit that's what ran through my mind..."
"See? So stop blaming yourself."
In a week I would go back to school. I was scared. I hadn't been in a month, and I had no idea what had been on the news about me or how much my classmates knew. People would talk about me. I'd pass by in the halls, and they'd whisper things about me. I can already hear them. "There's that Ishida kid," they'd say. "He let his uncle do it with him." "Nah, I heard his uncle was hitting him, and he went crazy and killed him." "He should be in jail. "Poor abused kid..." They'd say all that. Feelings would be mixed. People would feel sorry for me. Others would be disgusted by me. I'd be feared, loathed. I'd make people uncomfortable. I'd be ignored, shunned.
Taichi said I'm being paranoid. He stopped by yesterday, to see how I was, and I ended up telling him how anxious I was about school. He tried his best to comfort me, but I'm still worried. I hope things will be okay, I really do.
+-+-+-+
"Stupid Yamato," I mumbled, not really meaning it. I was sitting in homeroom, waiting for him to show up, hoping he hadn't backed out. I'd wanted to go to his place and walk him to school, but he refused, saying he wanted things as normal as possible to today. I thought at the time it was a good idea, but maybe I'd just given him a way to skip out.
About two minutes before the bell, however, the door opened and he walked in. The room got a little quieter upon seeing who it was, and I could tell he felt self-conscious passing everyone on the way to his seat next to mine.
"See?" he said softly as he sat down. "I told you everyone would know and talk about me."
"Yamato, it was on the news. Of course they'd know. But I didn't hear anyone talking about you."
"They will, though," he said miserably. "They will."
I sighed. "Okay, yes, you're right. Some of them will talk about you. But most of them won't. Most of them lost interest a long time ago, and their interest will be revived only briefly by your return. Trust me, most of them could care less about what happened to you, okay? So stop worrying."
He opened his mouth, in a reply I guess, but just then the bell rang and Sensei walked in. He turned to face the front, and I stifled a sigh, listening for my name as Sensei began roll call.
"Hey, have you seen Yamato?"
Koushiro looked up briefly as I plunked down my tray across from him, then went back to whatever piece of schoolwork he was working on.
"Un. Said to tell you he was going to the band room, and he didn't want you coming after him."
I frowned. "Why not?"
"He didn't say."
"Well, why not? Why didn't you ask him?"
He gave me an exasperated look. "I'm not his keeper, as I believe I've stated a million times before. If he wanted me to know, then he simply would have said so."
"Kooooooouu..." I whined. "You should have asked him anyways! I want to know..."
"Your food is getting cold," he said as way of distraction. It worked. Briefly.
"Crap!" I started shoveling food in my mouth and was done in ten minutes, Koushiro watching in morbid fascination the first couple of minutes.
"Pleasant," he remarked. I just grinned around a mouthful of noodles. He rolled his eyes back at me.
When I finished, I shoved my tray aside and turned my head sideways, trying to see what he was working on. It looked very complicated, and I couldn't make much sense of it. "What's that?"
"Advanced Physics," he said, not bothering to look up.
"Oh. You take too many Advanced classes, you know. You're going to fry your brain."
"That's a very high improbability."
"Okay, quit with the genius talk before you really get into it. I thought we cured you of that habit." I joked.
He laughed. "Sorry, Tai. Old habits die hard, you know that."
The second Yamato walked into class after lunch I pounced on him. "Hey, where were you? Why couldn't I see you?" "With the band," he said absently. He looked sort of upset. I didn't know whether to say anything or pretend I'd never noticed. With Yamato, you can never tell. Sometimes he doesn't mind if you show concern over him, and other times he gets really annoyed with you and tries to bite off your head.
I decided not to just yet. "I know that, baka! Koushiro told me. He also told me you said not to disturb you. How come?"
"Hmm? Oh. I had to talk to the band about something."
"They weren't giving you a hard time, were they?" I frowned.
"What?" Now he seemed to focus on me. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Well... you just look a little upset, is all..."
"Well, I'm not," he told me, a bit too sharply, in that voice which meant I was to drop it, right now.
I didn't. The last time I did that, Yamato let his uncle hurt him. "Are you sure? They didn't say anything to you or hassle you about being gone?"
"For Christ's sake, Taichi!" he snapped. "I said I'm fine!"
"I was just making sure," I said defensively. The look in his eyes was scary. Much like that one glare he gave me at the beginning of all this mess, when I'd tried asking him what was wrong. So I let it go. Just this time.
"See? I told you today would be fine!" I grinned triumphantly at him as we exited the school, about to go home.
He merely grunted noncommittally, and I thought again of earlier this afternoon, when he'd seemed upset. He said the band hadn't given him a hard time, and I believed him. They were all way too close for that. But maybe someone else had said something to him, and he just wasn't telling me.
"You trust me, don't you?" I asked him suddenly, seriously.
"Huh?" He looked at me briefly, confused. "Of course I do. I always have."
"Then why do you keep stuff back from me?"
"I don't." But he looked away as he said it.
"You are now," I pointed out as we continued walking down the street, towards his apartment.
"I am not. What would I be keeping back from you? There's nothing to keep back anymore."
"Yamato... I don't want to have to go through this again. Please."
"Go through what?"
"This!" I said. "Trying to pry things out of you. It was hell with the whole uncle thing. Don't make this hell too. If you're worried about hurting me, or offending me, or whatever, don't be. Okay? I don't want you protecting me. I want you telling me things. That's what people do in a relationship, right?"
"That's what you're calling it? 'The whole uncle thing'?"
I just kept myself from sighing. Trust him to focus on the insignificant thing.
"What I call it is not the point. The point is I don't like it when you keep things from me."
"I already said I'm not keeping things from you, Taichi."
"I don't like it when you lie to me either."
He didn't say anything to that, and we walked the rest of the way to his apartment in silence. He stopped at the doorway when we got there, key in hand, and looked at me. "They're letting Takeru come home today," he said.
Was that what had him upset? That didn't make sense.. shouldn't he be glad? And why would he have only been upset after lunch?
"They are? That's great, Yama!" I smiled for him. And it was great. All of us had been really worried about Takeru. It took so long for him to wake up, and when he had he wasn't very well off. If the doctors let him come home so soon, he must be a lot better.
"Yeah, it is." His smile was brief. "I'm glad he's okay, at least. He's not handling everything very well," he said, as he put the key in the lock and turned it. We went inside, slipping off our shoes in the entrance. I followed him to his room, where he dropped off his bookbag and then headed towards the kitchen. "Drink?"
"Yeah, thanks." I took the can of coke from him. "So what is he not handling well, exactly?" I asked.
Yamato sighed at that. "He's just upset. He doesn't remember much of the night that put him in the hospital. He's having a hard time believing that Oji would stab him and almost kill him. He doesn't understand why."
"Does he know about what your uncle did to you?"
"He did. When Oji took him. He um.. well. Oji made him watch. You know. What he'd do to me. Takeru had to watch that."
I winced. "I'm sorry, Yama.." I didn't quite know what to say to that.
He smiled ruefully. "Yeah, well.. At least it meant I didn't have to explain things to him then. But now.. he doesn't remember. Maybe it's better that way."
"How is it better? He'll never really understand why he almost died, if nothing is explained to him."
"I know, but... Takeru doesn't need to know. It's horrible. A horrible thing. Why would he want to know that?"
"You'd rather him always be asking what happened to him, and never quite knowing or understanding? Seems to me that would be worse than telling him the truth."
"I don't know.. I don't know anything anymore. But they're letting him come home today and I'm going to see him. Do you want to come?"
"Ah, Yamato, I don't think I should," I said, a bit uncomfortably. "Not now. I mean, he's your brother. You don't want non-family members coming along. You guys spend some time together. I'll come see him in a few days. Bring Hikari with me."
"You sure? I don't think he'd mind.."
"I'm sure, Yama. Go see him by yourself. I'll come with you in a few days, okay?"
"Well, alright." He looked as if he didn't believe me.
"So when are you going to see him?"
"Well, Natsuko's picking him up from the hospital at about 5. So I thought I'd go around about half an hour later or so."
"Oh. That's not too bad." I set my finished drink on the table. "Do you want me to stay with you until you go?"
He studied his hands. "You don't have to." But it would be nice. He didn't have to say it. I heard the unspoken words. I knew he still didn't like to be left alone.
I smiled. "It's not a problem." It was, actually. Mom had wanted me home to do some errands for her. "I don't mind staying."
He still wouldn't look at me. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
+-+-+-+
I was glad Taichi had agreed to stay with me. I didn't admit it to him, but I'm scared to be by myself. Not that I think anyone is going to come and hurt me. He's dead, and I know that. He can't hurt me anymore. It's myself I'm scared of. When I'm alone, I can't help but think of things.. the memories hurt. Sometimes I'm scared I'll hurt myself, and I really don't want to do that. So I'm glad Taichi stayed.
"Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" he asked, running his fingers through my hair. I enjoyed the sensation, and took comfort in his presence. I smiled and looked up into his face from my position laying on his lap. "Nothing," I said. "Just glad you're here."
"Mm," he replied. "What time is it, anyways?"
I sighed. "Time for me to get going, really," I told him. I let out a small sigh and sat up. "I guess you should get going home, too.."
"Yeah.." He stood up from the couch and I followed him into the entryway and watched him put his shoes back on. "See you at school tomorrow?" he asked, slightly hesitant.
"Sure," I smiled reassuringly. "I'll be there."
He opened the door and stood there for a moment. "You sure?"
I leaned over and kissed him, softly. "I'll be there," I said again. "Go on. I don't want your mom to start worrying about you."
"Okay." He smiled. "Ja ne." Then he was gone. I shut the door behind him, then went into the bathroom, inspecting myself in the mirror. I didn't look too bad. My hair needed a brushing after Taichi had messed it up. The rest of me looked fine, though somewhat exhausted and stressed. Quickly I ran the brush through my hair, and took another look. Not great, but it'd have to do. I grabbed my key and wrote a note for dad - "gone to visit Takeru. be back later." and then locked up the apartment and left.
It was misting when I got outside, just enough to feel nice and not enough to be annoying. The walk to Takeru's didn't take very long, and I spent the twenty minutes or so wondering just how bad off he'd be when I saw him. He'd been awful when he first woke up. He went crazy, refusing to believe anything. The doctors had to come in and put him in restraints, and they kept him in them for the first two weeks, because they were afraid he'd hurt himself. He wouldn't, I knew, not on purpose, but he was so out of control there's no telling what he might have done accidentally. He's calmed down a lot since then, but he still doesn't want to accept what happened to him. The first time I saw him, all he'd say was "It can't be true. I would have remembered." He didn't say much more than that the other few times I saw him. The doctors wouldn't let me see him much. They didn't want me to "agitate" him. Whatever that means.
Natsuko answered when I knocked on the door. "Yamato!" she exclaimed. "Come in." She stepped aside and let me in, shutting the door behind me.
"Um, hi, uh.. okaasan." The word stuck in my throat. "I came to see Takeru. He came home today, right?"
"Yes, he's in his room. I'll go tell him you're here." She turned and started to go.
"Ah, no-" She turned back towards me, and I attempted a smile. "It's okay, I'll just go to him. I don't want to make him get up or anything."
"Oh. Okay then. Do you want anything... can I get you a drink or something?"
I sighed. "You don't have to pretend to be nice to me, you know."
She looked startled, and her hands fluttered nervously by her sides. "I wasn't.. I didn't.. Yamato, I don't hate you."
"I... why didn't you come to see me then?" I demanded suddenly, not knowing I was going to.
"I.. I did. When you were asleep. I thought you wouldn't want to see me."
"I wouldn't have minded," I whispered, and looked away. "I, uh-" I cleared my throat, which had a lump in it, suddenly. "I'm going to see Takeru now."
I walked past her, not saying anything else, not really trusting myself to. I went to Takeru's room and knocked on his closed door.
"I'm fine, 'kaasan, really," he sighed.
"It's me," I said. "Can I come in?"
"Oh." I heard him stand and then he was in front of me. "Hi Yamato." He let me in and shut the door back, then went and sat on his bed. I stood for a moment, looking at him. He still didn't look so good. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and he had a bulky white bandage wrapped around his chest. Underneath it and surrounding it were yellowish-looking fading bruises overlaid by mottled blueish ones. Looking at his arm, you could still see where the IV had been in. You could also see faint marks around his wrists where the restraints had been. Looking at them made me feel ill, so I looked up at his face. He was watching me study him, his expression blank. That made me almost as ill as the marks.
"Are you done?" he asked, a touch harsh.
Taken back, all I managed was, "Sorry... I didn't mean..."
He only sighed. "Why are you here?"
"I... what? You're my brother.. Can't I come see you?"
"Sure," he said, in the tone of voice that meant he didn't really mean it.
"No.. never mind.. I'm sorry. I'll come back when you're better.."
Then and turned and ran, all the way home, ignoring Natsuko's startled confusion, ignoring the stares of passerbys in the street, ignoring everything until I was safe in my own house.
I slammed the door shut, and Dad came out of the kitchen to see if everything was okay. I didn't even know he'd be home this early, or I would have went somewhere else.
"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. He had a glass of water in his hand, but he set it down on the floor and came near me.
I nodded and opened my mouth, but instead of words a strangled half-sob came out instead.
"Yamato? What's wrong?"
"Takeru hates me," I choked out.
He put his hands on my shoulder and steered me to the living room, then gently set me on the couch before sitting down next to me.
"Now, tell me, why do you say that?"
"Cos... I went to see him and he didn't want me there.."
"That doesn't mean he hates you, Yamato. Do you remember how bad you felt when you came home from the hospital? He's probably feeling even worse than that. He hasn't accepted what's happened, you know that. He doesn't even remember all of that, and he has to try to cope with it. So he'll be cranky and out of sorts and rude to everyone for a few weeks. But it doesn't mean he hates you. Eventually he will come to terms with everything, and then he'll start acting like his old self again. He doesn't hate you, I promise you."
"Yeah, but.." I sniffed. I swear, I was acting like a complete baby over this. Takeru doesn't hate me, I shouldn't even need Dad's reassurance to believe it.
"But nothing. Just give him a few days and then go see him again. He'll be less cranky and rude then, okay?"
I nodded, even though I didn't believe Dad. I suppose I do know that Takeru doesn't hate me, but it feels like he's mad at me and doesn't want to see me right now, and probably won't for a long time. I know Dad thinks Takeru's just mad about finding out what happened to him, but I don't think it's just that.
But still, I don't want to worry Dad about me, so I wiped my tears and put on a smile for him and thank him before heading off to my room, grateful to see a surprised but pleased look on his face at being thanked. Maybe he's right. Maybe things will turn out alright after all. Given time, Takeru will come to terms with what happened and forgive me for involving him. For that matter, I'll probably fully accept it myself, though it doesn't seem like it to me now. But who knows. The future is full of surprises.
One year later
"Yamato, aren't you ready yet?" I said impatiently. "You're going to make us late!"
He just laughed at me. "Takeru, it's not like we have to be there exactly at 12. We could show up at 2 and no one would mind."
"But still," I whined, stamping my foot slightly for emphasis. I braced my hand against the door frame and leaned in a bit, reaching out for his hair. He ducked away from me.
"You mess it up, and we'll just get there even later," he warned, teasing me.
I pouted. "You're mean oniichan."
He grinned. 'Aren't all older brothers?"
"Hmph. I bet Taichi isn't this mean to Hikari-chan. I bet she didn't have to wait for him. They're probably there all now."
"Ah, the heart of the matter," he said, still grinning while fussing with his hair. I swear, I don't know a guy who has to have his hair just right the way Yamato does. "You just want to see your girlfriend."
I blush. "That's not true. I want to see everyone!" Then I gave him an impish smile. "Anyways, you're just trying to look perfect for Taichi."
Now it was his turn to blush. "Hush, Takeru." He left his hair alone and looked at me. "Shall we go?"
I didn't gloat. I'd won, and we both knew it. "Sure. Come on, let's go, quickly!" I was particularly anxious to get to the park and see Hikari-chan. I hadn't seen her much over the past year. Enough so that we were still together, but everything was always strained, and she was always trying to take care of me and help me sort things out. But now I've finally sorted it, and this will be the first time we just get to spend time together, having fun. And having my brother and all our friends there is just an added bonus.
Everyone else was already there under the tree when Yamato and I got there. He immediately went over to where Taichi was talking with Jou and Koushiro and Sora, and I went over to Hikari-chan, who was sitting quietly watching Daisuke and Iori face off against Ken and Miyako in a tiny game of soccer.
"Hey," I said, plopping down beside her.
"Hey yourself." She leaned over and gave me a small kiss on the cheek in greeting. We didn't say anything after that, just sat comfortably next to each other, watching Daisuke getting his butt kicked by Ken in soccer. Iori and Miyako just kind of followed after those two helplessly, giving half-hearted kicks at the ball when their respective teammates sent them the ball. I don't know why Ken and Daisuke just didn't face off by themselves.
"Seems like Ken's winning," I remarked after awhile. "As usual."
She smiled. "Not that Daisuke doesn't give him a good run for his money. They're both excellent players, and they've improved since they were eleven."
"Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if they became big-league soccer stars some day."
"So how is Yamato?" she asked suddenly, as if the conversation about soccer hadn't even happened.
I blinked. "What?"
She shrugged. "Well, Taichi always seems so worried about him."
"Taichi worries too much then. He's a lot better than he was. We both are."
"Are you guys still seeing that psychiatrist?"
"Yeah, some.. Neither of us really need her anymore, so she's sort of tapering off our sessions."
"Are you okay with that?"
"Me, personally, or both of us?"
"Both of you."
"Well, Yamato seems to be fine with it. And me..." I took her hand and smiled at her. "I've accepted what happened now. I know everything, and I even remember everything. I don't like it, but I can live with it. I'm happy. I don't need to see her anymore. All I need to see now is you."
She giggled. "You're such a sap."
"At least I'm a true sap."
"You're going to kill me with all that sweetness, Takeru." But she was smiling as she said it.
I smiled back at her, giving her a quick kiss. Then I sobered and looked over at Yamato and Taichi.
"It was hard, though," I admitted. "I was fighting the truth from the moment I woke up in the hospital. But I think I knew it even then. And then when I started remembering.." I swallowed. I hadn't told Hikari-chan this before. "I blamed Yamato for it. I blamed him for placing me in that situation, and I blamed him for me almost dying, even though it wasn't his fault."
"But you don't blame him anymore?"
I looked back at her face. "No. I don't. Should I?"
"No. And if you did, I was going to have to kill you." She laughed, easing the slight bubble of tension that had formed over us.
I laughed with her, relieved. "Good thing I don't then, huh? Look, what say you we join that soccer game? We can all gang up against Ken and kick his butt." I stood up and brushed myself off, then held out a hand to her.
"I say sounds like a plan." She took my hand, and I pulled her up and brushed her off as well.
"Takeru!" she protested as I pretended to caress her. "I can brush myself off!"
"I thought you might like some help."
"I'm a big girl now. I can do it on my own. Come on, race you to the others." She took off running abruptly, and it almost seemed as if she was mad at me.
Almost.
She was still smiling. And as I took off after her, I was too.
Epilogue finale
© 2004 butterflie 15 April 2004 Thursday 10:10PM
Author's Notes: Ugh, the epilogue dragged on and on for me. I knew what I wanted to do, but I couldn't seem to get it written. Aside from the writer's block, it was hard finding the time to actually sit down and write. Life got so busy for awhile, and things just kept happening one after the other, so I'd only get to write a few paragraphs at a time.. so it took forever. I'm sorry. I didn't know I wouldn't finish this right away when I started. >< But, it's finished now! Yay! Time to celebrate. There were still a bunch of things I didn't get to address or that didn't get done the way I wanted, but the epilogue was starting to get lengthy (a few more pages, and it would be safe to call it a sequel!) and I figured if I didn't wrap it now, it'd never get finished. I'd like to thank all of you guys for being so patient, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I know much I hate it when authors don't update forever (even though I can definitely understand it!), so I try not to do it so much anymore.
As for other stories some of you may be following.. it's like this. Waiting is still very much in progress, I wrote a bunch of chapter 11 about two weeks ago, and if things at school stay settled down, and my grades stay up (I brought them way up, yay! Nothing failed this time) I should be able to finish chapter 11 and post it soon. No promises though. I'm still reaching for my goal of getting Waiting finished before college, however. So we'll see =P Carry On Dancing.. honestly, I am just so stuck on that one, I have no idea what to do with it. It might not be finished, I'm really sorry. I thought at one point I could do it, that's why I posted it, but now it looks as if I might not be able to. Unless I skip to the middle, where all my ideas start ^.~ And for anything else unfinished, just check my profile, because that's all old stuff and I'll have the status there.
I've also got an interesting story in the planning stages, and I think it could turn out quite well. However, don't expect to see any of it any time soon, I'd like to finish Waiting first, and I don't know if I'll actually write it or not. But it's a just in case ^^
Well, I believe that's it. Once again, thank you everyone who was reading and supporting, and as much as I love this story, I'm glad to see it finished. It's roughly 60 pages at Trebuchet MS font, size 10pt. It got a lot longer than I ever had planned for it to be ^^;; Heh.
Anyways, hope you guys enjoyed this, I appreciate any feedback you might leave, even if it's negative. Because I can laugh at the negative stuff =P Now I'm off to play Ragnarok Online some more! That game is so addicting~ o.O
//butterflie
Digimon - R - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 37396 - Reviews: 33 - Updated: 4-16-04 - Published: 1-11-04
chapter six
Disclaimer: Hmm, yes... it's not mine.. it's Toei's..yay! You know, who was the original mangaka for this anyways? hmm...
Author's Notes: Well, here it is, the promised epilogue (which I accidentally called prologue in the last chapter, don't I feel stupid? thanks nEo-cHaN for pointing that out!). Umm.. I'm not sure of the warnings.. some angst still, obviously. mmm.. maybe some other things.. I don't know. I'm also considering a sequel for this. maybe. And somehow this went from being mostly Taichi's pov to mostly Yamato's. Now how did that happen? >.< And the time flow is still different for the different povs. They''ll all catch up eventually.
Ack! I am sorry this took longer than I'd intended to get posted. But see, the thing is, I found out that my number 1 favourite Jrocker, Miyavi, is going to be at A-kon this summer, and I can go!! (Except now his appearance is cancelled, dammit!) So I got very excited over that and got distracted. Sorry ^^;; And then I got a bit of writer's block, among a bunch of other things!o.O Oi! There's one-sided Kenkeru in this. Cute!
Bleed
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
Epilogue - Untouched
The first sound to flutter into my consciousness was low murmur of voices. The second was a steady beeping sound.
Opening my eyes, I winced when a bright fluorescent light hit them. I tried raising my hand but found it too weak.
"Don't move," I heard dad's voice instruct me. From the sound of it, he was somewhere to my left. Ignoring his command, I tried turning my head in his direction, but I found I was unable to do that either.
"Need.." I whispered, but my voice was so low and raspy I don't know if dad heard it.
Blindly, I reached out my hand towards him, glad I could at least move that.
I felt dad's hand close around mine. Comforted to find him so near, I closed my eyes and drifted back off into sleep again.
When I woke next, the room was much brighter, and I groaned as the light blasted my sensitive eyes. I had a pounding headache, and they weren't helping much.
I could feel dad still holding my hand.
Trying once more, I found I was able to turn my head enough to just bring him into my blurry focus.
"Otousan..." My voice was hoarse, and I still felt horribly weak.
His hand tightened on mine. "I'm here, Yamato," he said softly.
"Takeru... okay?" I had no idea what happened to my brother, whether he'd made it or not. The last I remembered was hugging his bleeding his, unconscious body to mine, crying and hoping he'd live. I feared greatly that he was dead.
"Un." Dad nodded. "Takeru's okay, Yamato. He's stable."
"See..."
Now he shook his head. "You're not well enough right now. Focus on getting your strength back first. Then we'll talk about visiting him."
As much as I wanted to see my brother, that didn't really seem like such a bad idea. I felt so drained..
A week later, I was able to remain awake for about nine hours. I could also sit up, keep down liquids and soft foods, and talk normally. I still felt like hell, particularly my right arm, but I was in much better mood and condition than previously.
"Tell me what happened when I passed out," I requested of dad. It was the next Friday. Dad stayed here with me in the hospital almost 24/7. He hadn't even gone in to work. I was grateful. I needed his presence and support, since only family was allowed to see me at the moment.
This would be the first time we chanced to talk about what happened. I still wondered just what did, after I blanked out.
Dad nodded. "Well, it was such a hectic chaos," he said. "The ambulance came racing in, and the men rushed in and started working on Takeru, and then another came zooming after the first, and those men shoved me aside and started in on you. Then about ten cop cars arrived, which of course drew out a bunch of gawking neighbors, and the press found out, and they showed up.. You guys were loaded into the ambulances and worked on some more, and the cops kept trying to ask me tons of questions. Microphones were thrown in my face, more questions shouted at me.. I brushed them all off in favour of bugging the medics, because I was frantic with worry about you and Takeru. I had no idea if you guys would live or die..." he stopped then, and seemed unable to go on.
I reached out and gently patted his hand. "Yeah, but we're okay now 'tousan," I said, hoping to make him feel better. Obviously I don't have much practice at comforting people.
He smiled at me. "Yes, but at the time I was terrified of losing you..."
"What happened to-" I paused, swallowed hard. "-to Oji?"
"The uh.. the coroner came. Zipped him up in a body bag and drove him away to the morgue, to get started on the autopsy."
I frowned. "Why did they need to do that? They know how he died.."
"Every violent death is always autopsied, even if they know the cause. And too, they needed to know ..well, how many times you uh, you stabbed him..."
I winced, trying not to think back to that night, how out of control I was, how out of touch with reality I got. I still find it hard to believe I've actually killed somebody, even if I was just defending Takeru. "How many?" I asked Otousan quietly, needing to know.
"Thirteen," he answered me bluntly, knowing better and not trying to soften the blow.
I sucked in a quick breath and looked away from him. "That many?" I asked him, trying to sound nonchalant. My shaky voice betrayed me.
"Everyone understands why, Yamato."
"Do they, really? Will the police understand?"
"You're not going to go to jail, if that's what you're worried about. Nor any kind of juvenile hall. You acted in self defense of you and Takeru. Everyone knows that."
"How can they prove it?"
"Takeru will back up your story, Yamato."
"How? He's too busy being a comatose vegetable." There was no mistaking the bitter tone to my voice. I wanted to add it was my fault he was that way, but I had a feeling dad would get mad, so I said nothing.
He was silent as well, and I got the feeling I had offended him. I bit down on my lip, but still didn't look at him. "Sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean it. I'm being dumb. Sorry," I said again.
"It's.. okay." He sighed. "I need to stand and walk for a bit before I forget how. Will you be okay in here by yourself?"
"Sure. What could happen? Not like I could do anything.. The second I'd try to stand, I'd collapse. I'll be okay, 'tousan. Go on. Go out and get some fresh air."
"Okay. I'll do that then."
+-+-+-+
"I'm going to go home."
"Huh?" He raised his head from the table and looked at me.
"I said, I'm going home. At this rate, nothing is going to happen. Yamato's probably fine. We're just sitting here worrying for nothing. And there's school tomorrow, I don't want to keep you up late."
"Alright." Koushiro nodded and stood. "I guess that makes sense. But if you hear anything... call me, okay?"
I stood as well. "Sure thing."
"Thanks." I let him accompany me to the door, where I bid him goodnight and walked home.
I let myself in, and Hikari greeted me at the door. Her face was strained, and I could immediately tell she'd been crying earlier. My heart seized. "What?" I asked quickly, starting to panic slightly. "What is it?"
"Ms. Takaishi says that Takeru is missing."
I think my mind went blank then. "What?" I asked stupidly.
"Takeru is missing," she emphasized. "As in, no one knows where he is. No one has seen him since he left here hours ago."
"Oh my god..." I whispered. "Does 'kaasan know?"
"No... I didn't want to bother her..."
Shit.. Yamato! "God dammit Hikari!" I shouted. I grabbed her by the shoulders and began shaking her in frustration. "Why didn't you tell her?! You idiot! They could be dead by now! OKAASAN! OKAASAN!"
She came out of her bedroom, frowning when she saw what I was doing to Hikari. "Taichi, let go of your sister!"
Angrily, I shoved Hikari away from me. "Okaasan, Takeru is missing!" I told her. "Hikari's known for hours!"
Her eyes became worried. She turned to my sister. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I... I didn't want to bother you," she stuttered. She was starting to look sort of scared, as if she realized this thing went deeper than it seemed. Her eyes darted from mine to mom's. "Why? What's going on? What do you guys know?"
I ignored her. "'kaasan... we have to do something! We have to go over there and save them, or something! Yamato.. we can't just... leave him there..."
Mom let out a soft sigh. "I don't think that's such a good idea," she said quietly.
I shrieked. "What?! You can't be serious! You'd leave him there to-to ...only Kami knows, get killed or whatnot?"
"Of course not, Taichi," she soothed. "But if you go rushing in after him, you're likely to get killed yourself."
"I don't care! I have to save him!" I shoved past her and Hikari and ran to my room, locking the door behind me. Snatching up my phone, I called Koushiro.
One ring....
"Come on, I know you're there.."
Two rings...
Fingers drumming impatiently against the desk.
Three rings...
"Dammit!"
Four rings...
....
......."Hello?"
"Kou!" I almost cried in relief.
"Taichi? Why are you calling me? You just left."
I let out a shuddery breath. "Hikari says Takeru has been missing for quite a few hours."
He understood instantly. "Oh. Oh no."
"Yeah," I said grimly. "And mom just wants me to leave him there. I can't do that. I have to save him and Takeru."
Silence. Did the phone get disconnected? "Kou? You there?"
"I'm here," he said quietly. "Tai... I don't think it's very wise. It's risky and dangerous. You're liable to be killed or seriously injured."
"Don't you think I know that better than anyone? I saw, Koushiro. I saw what Yamato's uncle did to him. I know the risks. I'm not stupid."
"Then why?"
"Because I have to try. If I don't, and anything happens to either of them, I'll never forgive myself for the rest of my life. Ever."
"So why are you calling me?"
"I want your help. Are you in?"
A pause. Then, "yeah, I'm in."
"Good." A small smile briefly lit my face. "Listen, right now all I want you to do is call the rest of the gang. There aren't many, but call them anyways. Have them all gather at your place. I've got to make another call, I'll call you back in about twenty minutes, okay?"
"Sure. Sure, I'll do that."
"Thanks, Kou."
"No problem, Tai." He hung up.
I tried to swallow the sudden lump in my throat and dialed Mr. Ishida's number. There was no answer. This could mean a number of things. 1)He was asleep. After all, a]he was in a different country and b]I wasn't sure of the time change. 2)He was in the bathroom/shower. Possible, but I couldn't waste time calling him back. Every second was precious. 3)He was busy working. It was a business trip, right? 4)He was out somewhere, doing who knows what. 5)Unspeakable adult things. Not likely, considering Yamato always said he was too immersed in work to notice women. 6)He'd somehow managed to get back here.
I didn't put much faith in the last one. If planes didn't fly out of there Thursdays, how else would he get here? By ship would take forever.
At any rate, it didn't matter. He didn't answer. I couldn't waste any more time on him. I had to get to Yamato and Takeru. There was only one slight problem.
I had no fucking plan.
I hadn't bothered ringing Koushiro back, so he looked a bit surprised when he opened the door to my knocking and saw me standing there.
"You didn't call." It almost sounded like an accusation.
"Erm..yeah, sorry. I figured it'd be quicker if I just came." I followed him to the living room, where the other Erabareshi were gathered round. There weren't many. Sora, Jou, Daisuke, Ken. Miyako and Iori weren't there. I looked at Koushiro questioningly.
He shrugged. "No answer."
"Why are we here?" Daisuke asked, sounding utterly confused and lost.
I bit my lip. "It's... complicated. One of those 'long story' types. But the short of it is, Yamato has been staying with his uncle for the past week while his dad is on a business trip. His uncle has been... hurting him... and threatened to kill Takeru if Yamato told. Yamato told, his uncle found out. His uncle has Takeru. Koushiro and I are going to go save them."
"That's awful!" Sora gasped. Her hand flew to her mouth, I guess in shock or something. I don't know, I don't pretend to understand females.
"But Taichi," Jou spoke up, pushing his glasses up further on his nose, "are you sure-"
"I know the risks," I cut in. "I think it's worth it."
"Even if all four of you get killed?"
"At least I'll die knowing I did something, that I didn't just sit around and let them get killed."
There was nothing said to that, until Ken, who'd previously been doing his best to become with the couch, spoke. "I want to go with you guys."
Silence.
"What?" That was Daisuke.
Ken blushed. "I said I want to go with them."
"Dude, why?!"
Ken blushed more. "I just do." He looked towards me. "Can I, Taichi-kun?"
"Only if you knock it off with the Taichi-kun. Sheesh, Ken, we've known each other long enough, you don't need to call me that."
His eyes turned downcast. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"So what's the plan?" Koushiro asked. Everyone looked at me.
Damn. "Um... there isn't one."
"I'll have you know this is fucking crazy!" Koushiro hissed.
"It's not like I had a lot of time to think about it!" I retorted.
The three of us were crouched about five houses down from Yamato's uncle's house, hiding behind some random person's sidewalk bushes. We were kind of wary to go any further, really. So far, our only plan was, "get to the house and see if we can tell what's happening". Hell of a plan, huh? Ken's idea, actually. And he and Kou are supposed to be some kind of geniuses.
"Yeah, but you're the one who wanted to rush off and put yourself in danger to save Yamato."
"Oh excuse me for caring about my friends lives, I guess the next time you're in danger I'll just leave you there."
Koushiro merely sighed.
"Shhh!" Ken reprimanded. "I hear something."
We went silent and strained to listen.
"I don't hear anything."
"I thought... well, it sounded like shouting. It wasn't very loud..."
"It could have been."
I stood up, pants rustling noisily.
"Where are you going?" Ken asked.
"I want to get closer."
"What?" Are you crazy? Get back here!"
My lips curved into a disappointed frown. "Kou, there's not much point in my coming here to save them if I'm going to hide back here the whole time. If you guys want to chicken out on me, fine. But don't expect me to cower and whimper back here with you." With that said, I started walking. I was about two houses away from Yamato's uncle's when I heard Ken's little yelp. "Wait!"
I stopped and let him and Koushiro catch up. "It's not like I was planning on walking in there, I hope you guys realize that."
+-+-+-+
I wondered where Taichi was. I'd been a week in the hospital, and there was no sign of him. He had to know I was here. I wondered if his absence was his choice or the doctor's. Most likely the latter. Taichi would never voluntarily avoid or abandon me. I know he wouldn't. Because he said he loved me. And Taichi wouldn't say that unless he meant it. He's not the type to so openly express his emotions like that. So if he said it, he definitely meant it. Which means that the only reason he's not here by my side is because the doctors aren't letting him be in here.
I wish he was, though. I really miss him. I need him. I need to see him. I want him to hold me and reassure me that everything will still turn out alright in the end. He said everything would, I'm still holding him to that. Especially with Takeru the way he is...
+-+-+-+
"Can you see anything?"
"No... but I can certainly hear..." Koushiro whispered back to me. "I just don't understand what's going on."
"Me neither. There's too much yelling.." I ached to burst inside and get Yamato out of there. I could hear all the insults his uncle was hurling at him, and I wanted to save him from all that. Yamato's self-esteem had suffered already within the past year, he certainly didn't need this. But I knew that to go in there unprepared would be stupid. We'd all get killed, no questions asked. And you know, I value my life. I'd rather live to see tomorrow, thanks.
"So what are we going to do?" Ken asked softly.
I sighed. "I don't know... I wish I could just go in there and save him, but I know I can't..."
"Reality bites," Koushiro said sympathetically.
All of a sudden, a loud scream pierced through the air, and then all three of us clearly heard Yamato's agonized shouting of his brother's name.
"Oh shit," I whispered. "I can't stand this anymore! I don't care what happens, I have to go in there!"
I stood, planning to go around front, but I felt a hand firmly grasp my wrist, holding me back. "Dammit, Ken, let go."
"No."
"Let go, I said!"
"No! I'm not letting you go in there so you can get killed!"
"I have to! Something's happened to Takeru! Anything could happen to Yamato too!"
"Takeru's not dead yet. Don't go, Taichi."
I glared at him. "Don't you even care about them?"
"Of course I care," he said quietly. "I care a lot. I don't want anything to happen to them either, especially Takeru." He blushed a bit. "But I don't want anyone else to get hurt. Please don't go."
"But I have to," I whispered, my eyes filling with tears. "Even if I die in there, at least I'll have done something to help them. Coming out here and listening to them be abused is not the idea of help I originally had in mind."
"Taichi-" Ken began, but then suddenly froze.
"What?" I asked him, wiping at my eyes.
"Shhh!"
"What-" Then I froze too. A car. A cab. Coming down the street.
"Taichi! Get back here! Quick!"
Reacting to Kou's words, I scrambled back behind the bushes, scraping my knees on the ground. "Ow," I hissed.
"Shh..."
The cab was slowing down in front of the house. It pulled up to the curb, the headlights briefly washing over our bushes. We ducked down lower, hoping we wouldn't be spotted.
"Who'd be coming here?" I asked in the softest of voices.
"Don't know," Kou replied, just as softly.
The door of the cab opened and a man jumped out, tossing some money in the cab before running to the house. Then he yanked open the door and disappeared inside.
We all stared at each other.
"Was that..."
"I thought you said..."
"How did he...?"
Mr. Ishida.
+-+-+-+
"Taichi!"
"Hi!" he bounded into the room, grinning madly. I felt like doing the same myself. I was so happy to see him. It was the first time since I woke up in the hospital, and the doctors finally felt that I would be able to handle a very few visitors. Obviously they hadn't met Taichi.
He came over to me and leaned down, gently giving me a hug before sitting on the edge of my bed. We were alone in the room, dad having gone home for the first time earlier to rest for a few hours while I visited with Taichi.
He reached over and smoothed back my hair. "So how are you feeling?"
I groaned. "Let's just say I've had better days."
He laughed. "Like crap, huh?"
"You could say that."
"When are they letting you out?"
I shrugged. The doctors hadn't said anything about releasing me yet. "Who knows? No one's said anything." Then I thought of something. "Hey, have you seen Takeru?"
He shook his head, solemn all of a sudden. "No. I asked, but they won't let me. No one has seen him except for your parents."
"Parents? My mom's been here?"
"Yeah..." Taichi responded uncomfortably. "She hasn't been in here?"
"Of course not," I replied bitterly. But then again, why should I have expected her to be? I'm just that son she once had. It's not like she cares about me or anything. Of course she'd care about Takeru too much to even think about me. "Don't need her anyways," I mumbled.
About a month later, the doctors felt I was recovered enough to go home for the first time. I walked into our apartment, my dad right behind me, ready to support me at a moment's notice if I felt too weak or dizzy. I paused for a moment in the living room, staring and taking it all in. It was so weird, everything felt so strange and surreal. It had been so long since I'd been here. It's like when you go away on vacation, and then you come back home and walk in and it doesn't feel like your house. Like it's someone else's that you're walking into, or like a place that was abandoned suddenly.
I continued on, going through the living room, passing through the kitchen and heading down the hallway, dad still following a couple paces behind. I turned the corner and reached my room. The door was shut, so I opened it. Then I just stood in the doorway, looking in. Everything was as I'd left it last, that night before I went to my uncle's. Untouched, just sitting there waiting for me to return home and resume life. My bed was still unmade, clothes were rumpled up on the floor from when Taichi and I stopped in. My song notebook was sitting closed on my desk, a pencil on top ready for me to pick it up and begin scribbling in the notebook.
What if I hadn't come back? What if my uncle had killed me, and I died? Everything would still be here, and I wouldn't come back to it. What would dad have done? Would he leave everything untouched, shutting the room up until the air grew old and stale, or would he clean it up and throw everything out, keeping but a few things as memories of his once son?
It was then that dad chose to ask, "Yamato? You okay?"
Suddenly I felt very overwhelmed by it all. It had been a long day, an even longer month. I was tired and out-of sorts, my arm throbbed where it had been stabbed, and these morbid thoughts weren't doing anything to help. Without even knowing I was going to, I let out a sob, breaking the hold I had on my emotions and releasing a flood of tears that just didn't want to stop. Dad didn't say anything, just turned me around and pulled me close to him in a tight hug, holding me, letting me cry. Normally I didn't like to be held by my father, because it felt weird, but for once I didn't mind. I was desperate for human contact and didn't much care who it came from.
After awhile I calmed down and pulled away from dad.
"Alright now?" he asked.
I nodded. "Sorry."
"Don't be."
I went over and sat down on my bed, letting out a soft sigh. Dad's worried eyes never left me, always watching, as if to reassure himself that I was still alive.
I gave him a small smile. "I'm not going to perish right under your eyes, you know."
He smiled back. "I suppose not. Are you hungry? I can get us something to eat."
Hungry? Food was actually the last thing on my mind right now, and the thought of it made me slightly sick to my stomach. But I didn't want to worry dad anymore than he already was. I could tell how much the past month had taken its toll on him. He looked like hell. And I did need to eat something. "Can you just get me some soup?"
"Soup?" He looked confused.
"Well, after all that hospital junk.. I don't want to overdo it." I shrugged, as if it was no big deal. I just hoped I'd be able to keep the soup down.
"Okay then. Anything in particular?"
"No... just whatever."
"Well I'll be going then. Will you be alright here by yourself, or do you want to have one of your friends come over?"
"I'll be fine, 'tousan. Go on. Go get the food."
"If you're sure. I'll be back soon. I'm taking my cellphone, so call if you need anything."
Once he was gone, I sighed and lay back on my bed, and looked at my arm. The bandage was still there, though in a few days I had to go back to the hospital to get it removed. I was afraid to, I had no idea what the scar might look like or how bad it would be. Gently I lifted up my shirt and inspected my stomach. Those bruises, thankfully, were gone. So were the ones on my cheek. My limp had disappeared a long time ago. The only evidence left of my uncle were the scars. The one on my arm, and the one on my wrist. The one from my stupid attempt at suicide. It had ended up scarring. The doctors saw it in the hospital, and they told my dad. He'd been upset. He cried, wanted to know why I did it. The doctors weren't nearly as caring. They just wanted to put me on suicide watch, no questions asked. It had been hard, but I'd explained to dad about it, and he managed to convince the doctors I wasn't suicidal. I'm glad, but I just wish it hadn't scarred over. I don't want to see that reminder every day for the rest of my life. Just the memories are bad enough. Stupid scars...
Though I suppose I should be thankful I won't have a scar like Takeru's. I'd seen it once, briefly, when Takeru was still unconscious and they let me visit him. Thankfully now he's awake, but he's not handling things too well. He's still trying to get a grasp on the whole thing... I'm just glad he's alive. I couldn't take it if he'd ended up dying because of me.
The next day the questions came. I'd been dreading them ever since I'd first woken up in the hospital, but my dad and the doctors were too focused on having me get better to care about the technical details.
But it had to be done. The doctors and the police needed to know, and of course there was to be an investigation into my uncle's death.. I may have had motive, but I did stab him a lot. I suppose they also wanted to evaluate my sanity and send me to a shrink too.
They let my dad do the questioning, thinking I'd be more comfortable telling him things rather than a bunch of strangers. As an additional courtesy, they decided to not even be present. They just gave my dad a tape recorder, told him what to ask, and that was that. I was rather glad, actually. The thought of telling a bunch of other guys I didn't know all the intimate things I'd let my uncle do did not sound very fun to me. As it was, I was uncomfortable enough just running the tape recorder, knowing they'd be hearing it later on. I dreaded the day when they'd have to interview themselves, and make it official. Ugh. Stupid cops, always needing to have everything legal.
Dad and I sat down at the kitchen table, the tape recorder between us. He turned it on and stated the date and time and location. He looked just as uncomfortable as I felt, which reassured me some. Then he cleared his throat and asked me to tell him the first time my uncle did something against my wishes.
I swallowed, wanting to block out the memories that automatically come rushing into my mind, and knowing I can't. So I tried to not think about the words I was saying. I explained how, the third I night I stayed at my uncle's house, while I was sleeping he came into my room. How he put climbed into bed on top of me, putting his hand on my mouth, telling me not to make a sound, saying I was a good and obedient boy, so quiet.. how he threatened to kill Takeru if I didn't do whatever he said. How he'd raped me. I had to close my eyes when telling that part of it, because I couldn't bear looking at dad's face. I knew if I did, I'd start crying.
Points for dad, he managed to remain calm, even when I talked about the other stuff my uncle did, not letting his emotions getting the best of him.
I didn't limit myself to the sexual abuse. I told him every injustice my uncle had ever committid against me.
"Tuesday afternoon, after school, I came in. He said something asking about my day, as if nothing had happened the night before. I responded that it had been the usual and then tuned him out. Then I realized he was angry and yelling something about homework. I didn't know what homework I had, so I asked him if I could call Taichi to ask about it. Then," I paused, trying not to cry. "Then he punched me hard, in the nose. It started to bleed, and I guess he got even more angry, because he punched me harder in the stomach. It hurt, and I sort of.. doubled over, so he kicked me and I fell down.. He kept kicking me, in my head and stomach, calling me a little shit and pathetic asshole and all kinds of other things. Then he told me to clean up the blood and call Taichi, but if I said one word... Takeru..."
"And what happened then?" Dad asked, sounding rather professional.
"He stormed out of the house, and I was too scared to do anything else, so I cleaned it all up and then called Taichi, but he wasn't home. So I just took a shower and then went and lay down, waiting for Oji to get back."
"When he got back, and found out you couldn't do your homework, was he angry or did he not care?"
"He was angry. He punched me some more, and then grabbed my arm and slung me into the wall.. and he came in my room later that night..."
It was hard explaining the next part. Every rape I had to relate to dad, even if they were virtually the same thing over and over. But the police wanted as much detail as possible, saying that this was a 'delicate investigation'. Delicate, my ass.
Finally we reached the climax of the story, the day my uncle had raped me so roughly that I no longer cared if anyone knew, and I called Taichi. I tried not to, but I ended up breaking down and crying. Dad didn't come over to me, sensing that wasn't what I needed at the moment. What I needed was to keep talking, to get it all out, so that's what I did.
"He ripped my clothes off, and I heard them tear, and I screamed. I screamed at him and begged him to not hurt me, and I started crying, but he just ignored me and took off his own clothes. And then.. he was on me, on top of me, in me, so sudden and quick, and I screamed again, because it hurt so much.." I stopped and put a hand over my face, taking several deep shuddering breaths, trying to calm a bit. It didn't really work. "He kept.. he kept thrusting in and out of me.. and there was so much pain that I couldn't even scream or cry or anything. But he just kept going on, proving his power over me, continuing to hurt me. And then he stopped suddenly, and his body sort of shuddered, and I knew he'd just.." I started to cry even harder. "Oh God, I can't say it 'tousan, I can't, please don't make me say it, I can't do this, can't think about it..." I blubbered. I kept trying to deny what I was saying, like it never really happened. If I didn't say it, it wouldn't be real. That's what I kept saying to myself.
But dad wouldn't let me off, though I could see in his face that he wanted to, wanted to tell me it was alright, he understood, I didn't have to say it.. Yet he couldn't do that.
He reached across the table, holding out his hand, and I gave him my own. He grasped it tightly, and it was somehow comforting. "Just say it when you're ready," he said. "You don't have to say it right away. Just calm down, and when you feel better we can continue."
"I'll never feel better," I said bitterly, but he didn't respond.
So I sighed, and continued, voice barely above a whisper. "He did that, and..." deep breath here "came.. in me.." and I had to stop again, unable to continue for crying. I felt dad's hand tighten around mine, soothing me, encouraging me. "After that, he left the house.. I don't know where he went. Somehow I was able to force myself to pick up the phone and call Taichi."
I sort of skimmed over this part, what went on at Taichi's was inconsequential, and didn't really affect the investigation. Besides, the officers weren't really interested in my love relationship with Taichi. So I just gave a quick summary, and went to the next day, when I'd walked in the house and saw my uncle with Takeru. Then I had to slow down and explain every tiny little detail, as this was the most crucial part of it all. This is what would really determine just how much I was to be blamed for the thirteen stab wounds. I took a long time telling it all, wanting to get everything right, not wanting to mess up any part of it. We went over it three times, to see if there were any discrepancies in my story. I guess the police had instructed him to do that. But there weren't. I knew what happened and I told it.
At long last we were done. Dad shut off the tape recorder and looked at me.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Gods, Yamato, I'm so sorry.. I never should have sent you there. I should have listened to you, should have realized something was wrong.." He kept on like that, apologizing for something that wasn't his fault. Not once did I hear him say "You should have told me", and I felt a lot better because of it.
"Otousan," I interrupted him. "Look, it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known, and I didn't tell you. There wasn't anything you could have done about it. Don't blame yourself. Okay? To you I just looked like a spoiled teenager in a hissy fit because I couldn't stay home alone."
He smiled a bit. "Well, I have to admit that's what ran through my mind..."
"See? So stop blaming yourself."
In a week I would go back to school. I was scared. I hadn't been in a month, and I had no idea what had been on the news about me or how much my classmates knew. People would talk about me. I'd pass by in the halls, and they'd whisper things about me. I can already hear them. "There's that Ishida kid," they'd say. "He let his uncle do it with him." "Nah, I heard his uncle was hitting him, and he went crazy and killed him." "He should be in jail. "Poor abused kid..." They'd say all that. Feelings would be mixed. People would feel sorry for me. Others would be disgusted by me. I'd be feared, loathed. I'd make people uncomfortable. I'd be ignored, shunned.
Taichi said I'm being paranoid. He stopped by yesterday, to see how I was, and I ended up telling him how anxious I was about school. He tried his best to comfort me, but I'm still worried. I hope things will be okay, I really do.
+-+-+-+
"Stupid Yamato," I mumbled, not really meaning it. I was sitting in homeroom, waiting for him to show up, hoping he hadn't backed out. I'd wanted to go to his place and walk him to school, but he refused, saying he wanted things as normal as possible to today. I thought at the time it was a good idea, but maybe I'd just given him a way to skip out.
About two minutes before the bell, however, the door opened and he walked in. The room got a little quieter upon seeing who it was, and I could tell he felt self-conscious passing everyone on the way to his seat next to mine.
"See?" he said softly as he sat down. "I told you everyone would know and talk about me."
"Yamato, it was on the news. Of course they'd know. But I didn't hear anyone talking about you."
"They will, though," he said miserably. "They will."
I sighed. "Okay, yes, you're right. Some of them will talk about you. But most of them won't. Most of them lost interest a long time ago, and their interest will be revived only briefly by your return. Trust me, most of them could care less about what happened to you, okay? So stop worrying."
He opened his mouth, in a reply I guess, but just then the bell rang and Sensei walked in. He turned to face the front, and I stifled a sigh, listening for my name as Sensei began roll call.
"Hey, have you seen Yamato?"
Koushiro looked up briefly as I plunked down my tray across from him, then went back to whatever piece of schoolwork he was working on.
"Un. Said to tell you he was going to the band room, and he didn't want you coming after him."
I frowned. "Why not?"
"He didn't say."
"Well, why not? Why didn't you ask him?"
He gave me an exasperated look. "I'm not his keeper, as I believe I've stated a million times before. If he wanted me to know, then he simply would have said so."
"Kooooooouu..." I whined. "You should have asked him anyways! I want to know..."
"Your food is getting cold," he said as way of distraction. It worked. Briefly.
"Crap!" I started shoveling food in my mouth and was done in ten minutes, Koushiro watching in morbid fascination the first couple of minutes.
"Pleasant," he remarked. I just grinned around a mouthful of noodles. He rolled his eyes back at me.
When I finished, I shoved my tray aside and turned my head sideways, trying to see what he was working on. It looked very complicated, and I couldn't make much sense of it. "What's that?"
"Advanced Physics," he said, not bothering to look up.
"Oh. You take too many Advanced classes, you know. You're going to fry your brain."
"That's a very high improbability."
"Okay, quit with the genius talk before you really get into it. I thought we cured you of that habit." I joked.
He laughed. "Sorry, Tai. Old habits die hard, you know that."
The second Yamato walked into class after lunch I pounced on him. "Hey, where were you? Why couldn't I see you?" "With the band," he said absently. He looked sort of upset. I didn't know whether to say anything or pretend I'd never noticed. With Yamato, you can never tell. Sometimes he doesn't mind if you show concern over him, and other times he gets really annoyed with you and tries to bite off your head.
I decided not to just yet. "I know that, baka! Koushiro told me. He also told me you said not to disturb you. How come?"
"Hmm? Oh. I had to talk to the band about something."
"They weren't giving you a hard time, were they?" I frowned.
"What?" Now he seemed to focus on me. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Well... you just look a little upset, is all..."
"Well, I'm not," he told me, a bit too sharply, in that voice which meant I was to drop it, right now.
I didn't. The last time I did that, Yamato let his uncle hurt him. "Are you sure? They didn't say anything to you or hassle you about being gone?"
"For Christ's sake, Taichi!" he snapped. "I said I'm fine!"
"I was just making sure," I said defensively. The look in his eyes was scary. Much like that one glare he gave me at the beginning of all this mess, when I'd tried asking him what was wrong. So I let it go. Just this time.
"See? I told you today would be fine!" I grinned triumphantly at him as we exited the school, about to go home.
He merely grunted noncommittally, and I thought again of earlier this afternoon, when he'd seemed upset. He said the band hadn't given him a hard time, and I believed him. They were all way too close for that. But maybe someone else had said something to him, and he just wasn't telling me.
"You trust me, don't you?" I asked him suddenly, seriously.
"Huh?" He looked at me briefly, confused. "Of course I do. I always have."
"Then why do you keep stuff back from me?"
"I don't." But he looked away as he said it.
"You are now," I pointed out as we continued walking down the street, towards his apartment.
"I am not. What would I be keeping back from you? There's nothing to keep back anymore."
"Yamato... I don't want to have to go through this again. Please."
"Go through what?"
"This!" I said. "Trying to pry things out of you. It was hell with the whole uncle thing. Don't make this hell too. If you're worried about hurting me, or offending me, or whatever, don't be. Okay? I don't want you protecting me. I want you telling me things. That's what people do in a relationship, right?"
"That's what you're calling it? 'The whole uncle thing'?"
I just kept myself from sighing. Trust him to focus on the insignificant thing.
"What I call it is not the point. The point is I don't like it when you keep things from me."
"I already said I'm not keeping things from you, Taichi."
"I don't like it when you lie to me either."
He didn't say anything to that, and we walked the rest of the way to his apartment in silence. He stopped at the doorway when we got there, key in hand, and looked at me. "They're letting Takeru come home today," he said.
Was that what had him upset? That didn't make sense.. shouldn't he be glad? And why would he have only been upset after lunch?
"They are? That's great, Yama!" I smiled for him. And it was great. All of us had been really worried about Takeru. It took so long for him to wake up, and when he had he wasn't very well off. If the doctors let him come home so soon, he must be a lot better.
"Yeah, it is." His smile was brief. "I'm glad he's okay, at least. He's not handling everything very well," he said, as he put the key in the lock and turned it. We went inside, slipping off our shoes in the entrance. I followed him to his room, where he dropped off his bookbag and then headed towards the kitchen. "Drink?"
"Yeah, thanks." I took the can of coke from him. "So what is he not handling well, exactly?" I asked.
Yamato sighed at that. "He's just upset. He doesn't remember much of the night that put him in the hospital. He's having a hard time believing that Oji would stab him and almost kill him. He doesn't understand why."
"Does he know about what your uncle did to you?"
"He did. When Oji took him. He um.. well. Oji made him watch. You know. What he'd do to me. Takeru had to watch that."
I winced. "I'm sorry, Yama.." I didn't quite know what to say to that.
He smiled ruefully. "Yeah, well.. At least it meant I didn't have to explain things to him then. But now.. he doesn't remember. Maybe it's better that way."
"How is it better? He'll never really understand why he almost died, if nothing is explained to him."
"I know, but... Takeru doesn't need to know. It's horrible. A horrible thing. Why would he want to know that?"
"You'd rather him always be asking what happened to him, and never quite knowing or understanding? Seems to me that would be worse than telling him the truth."
"I don't know.. I don't know anything anymore. But they're letting him come home today and I'm going to see him. Do you want to come?"
"Ah, Yamato, I don't think I should," I said, a bit uncomfortably. "Not now. I mean, he's your brother. You don't want non-family members coming along. You guys spend some time together. I'll come see him in a few days. Bring Hikari with me."
"You sure? I don't think he'd mind.."
"I'm sure, Yama. Go see him by yourself. I'll come with you in a few days, okay?"
"Well, alright." He looked as if he didn't believe me.
"So when are you going to see him?"
"Well, Natsuko's picking him up from the hospital at about 5. So I thought I'd go around about half an hour later or so."
"Oh. That's not too bad." I set my finished drink on the table. "Do you want me to stay with you until you go?"
He studied his hands. "You don't have to." But it would be nice. He didn't have to say it. I heard the unspoken words. I knew he still didn't like to be left alone.
I smiled. "It's not a problem." It was, actually. Mom had wanted me home to do some errands for her. "I don't mind staying."
He still wouldn't look at me. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
+-+-+-+
I was glad Taichi had agreed to stay with me. I didn't admit it to him, but I'm scared to be by myself. Not that I think anyone is going to come and hurt me. He's dead, and I know that. He can't hurt me anymore. It's myself I'm scared of. When I'm alone, I can't help but think of things.. the memories hurt. Sometimes I'm scared I'll hurt myself, and I really don't want to do that. So I'm glad Taichi stayed.
"Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" he asked, running his fingers through my hair. I enjoyed the sensation, and took comfort in his presence. I smiled and looked up into his face from my position laying on his lap. "Nothing," I said. "Just glad you're here."
"Mm," he replied. "What time is it, anyways?"
I sighed. "Time for me to get going, really," I told him. I let out a small sigh and sat up. "I guess you should get going home, too.."
"Yeah.." He stood up from the couch and I followed him into the entryway and watched him put his shoes back on. "See you at school tomorrow?" he asked, slightly hesitant.
"Sure," I smiled reassuringly. "I'll be there."
He opened the door and stood there for a moment. "You sure?"
I leaned over and kissed him, softly. "I'll be there," I said again. "Go on. I don't want your mom to start worrying about you."
"Okay." He smiled. "Ja ne." Then he was gone. I shut the door behind him, then went into the bathroom, inspecting myself in the mirror. I didn't look too bad. My hair needed a brushing after Taichi had messed it up. The rest of me looked fine, though somewhat exhausted and stressed. Quickly I ran the brush through my hair, and took another look. Not great, but it'd have to do. I grabbed my key and wrote a note for dad - "gone to visit Takeru. be back later." and then locked up the apartment and left.
It was misting when I got outside, just enough to feel nice and not enough to be annoying. The walk to Takeru's didn't take very long, and I spent the twenty minutes or so wondering just how bad off he'd be when I saw him. He'd been awful when he first woke up. He went crazy, refusing to believe anything. The doctors had to come in and put him in restraints, and they kept him in them for the first two weeks, because they were afraid he'd hurt himself. He wouldn't, I knew, not on purpose, but he was so out of control there's no telling what he might have done accidentally. He's calmed down a lot since then, but he still doesn't want to accept what happened to him. The first time I saw him, all he'd say was "It can't be true. I would have remembered." He didn't say much more than that the other few times I saw him. The doctors wouldn't let me see him much. They didn't want me to "agitate" him. Whatever that means.
Natsuko answered when I knocked on the door. "Yamato!" she exclaimed. "Come in." She stepped aside and let me in, shutting the door behind me.
"Um, hi, uh.. okaasan." The word stuck in my throat. "I came to see Takeru. He came home today, right?"
"Yes, he's in his room. I'll go tell him you're here." She turned and started to go.
"Ah, no-" She turned back towards me, and I attempted a smile. "It's okay, I'll just go to him. I don't want to make him get up or anything."
"Oh. Okay then. Do you want anything... can I get you a drink or something?"
I sighed. "You don't have to pretend to be nice to me, you know."
She looked startled, and her hands fluttered nervously by her sides. "I wasn't.. I didn't.. Yamato, I don't hate you."
"I... why didn't you come to see me then?" I demanded suddenly, not knowing I was going to.
"I.. I did. When you were asleep. I thought you wouldn't want to see me."
"I wouldn't have minded," I whispered, and looked away. "I, uh-" I cleared my throat, which had a lump in it, suddenly. "I'm going to see Takeru now."
I walked past her, not saying anything else, not really trusting myself to. I went to Takeru's room and knocked on his closed door.
"I'm fine, 'kaasan, really," he sighed.
"It's me," I said. "Can I come in?"
"Oh." I heard him stand and then he was in front of me. "Hi Yamato." He let me in and shut the door back, then went and sat on his bed. I stood for a moment, looking at him. He still didn't look so good. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and he had a bulky white bandage wrapped around his chest. Underneath it and surrounding it were yellowish-looking fading bruises overlaid by mottled blueish ones. Looking at his arm, you could still see where the IV had been in. You could also see faint marks around his wrists where the restraints had been. Looking at them made me feel ill, so I looked up at his face. He was watching me study him, his expression blank. That made me almost as ill as the marks.
"Are you done?" he asked, a touch harsh.
Taken back, all I managed was, "Sorry... I didn't mean..."
He only sighed. "Why are you here?"
"I... what? You're my brother.. Can't I come see you?"
"Sure," he said, in the tone of voice that meant he didn't really mean it.
"No.. never mind.. I'm sorry. I'll come back when you're better.."
Then and turned and ran, all the way home, ignoring Natsuko's startled confusion, ignoring the stares of passerbys in the street, ignoring everything until I was safe in my own house.
I slammed the door shut, and Dad came out of the kitchen to see if everything was okay. I didn't even know he'd be home this early, or I would have went somewhere else.
"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned. He had a glass of water in his hand, but he set it down on the floor and came near me.
I nodded and opened my mouth, but instead of words a strangled half-sob came out instead.
"Yamato? What's wrong?"
"Takeru hates me," I choked out.
He put his hands on my shoulder and steered me to the living room, then gently set me on the couch before sitting down next to me.
"Now, tell me, why do you say that?"
"Cos... I went to see him and he didn't want me there.."
"That doesn't mean he hates you, Yamato. Do you remember how bad you felt when you came home from the hospital? He's probably feeling even worse than that. He hasn't accepted what's happened, you know that. He doesn't even remember all of that, and he has to try to cope with it. So he'll be cranky and out of sorts and rude to everyone for a few weeks. But it doesn't mean he hates you. Eventually he will come to terms with everything, and then he'll start acting like his old self again. He doesn't hate you, I promise you."
"Yeah, but.." I sniffed. I swear, I was acting like a complete baby over this. Takeru doesn't hate me, I shouldn't even need Dad's reassurance to believe it.
"But nothing. Just give him a few days and then go see him again. He'll be less cranky and rude then, okay?"
I nodded, even though I didn't believe Dad. I suppose I do know that Takeru doesn't hate me, but it feels like he's mad at me and doesn't want to see me right now, and probably won't for a long time. I know Dad thinks Takeru's just mad about finding out what happened to him, but I don't think it's just that.
But still, I don't want to worry Dad about me, so I wiped my tears and put on a smile for him and thank him before heading off to my room, grateful to see a surprised but pleased look on his face at being thanked. Maybe he's right. Maybe things will turn out alright after all. Given time, Takeru will come to terms with what happened and forgive me for involving him. For that matter, I'll probably fully accept it myself, though it doesn't seem like it to me now. But who knows. The future is full of surprises.
One year later
"Yamato, aren't you ready yet?" I said impatiently. "You're going to make us late!"
He just laughed at me. "Takeru, it's not like we have to be there exactly at 12. We could show up at 2 and no one would mind."
"But still," I whined, stamping my foot slightly for emphasis. I braced my hand against the door frame and leaned in a bit, reaching out for his hair. He ducked away from me.
"You mess it up, and we'll just get there even later," he warned, teasing me.
I pouted. "You're mean oniichan."
He grinned. 'Aren't all older brothers?"
"Hmph. I bet Taichi isn't this mean to Hikari-chan. I bet she didn't have to wait for him. They're probably there all now."
"Ah, the heart of the matter," he said, still grinning while fussing with his hair. I swear, I don't know a guy who has to have his hair just right the way Yamato does. "You just want to see your girlfriend."
I blush. "That's not true. I want to see everyone!" Then I gave him an impish smile. "Anyways, you're just trying to look perfect for Taichi."
Now it was his turn to blush. "Hush, Takeru." He left his hair alone and looked at me. "Shall we go?"
I didn't gloat. I'd won, and we both knew it. "Sure. Come on, let's go, quickly!" I was particularly anxious to get to the park and see Hikari-chan. I hadn't seen her much over the past year. Enough so that we were still together, but everything was always strained, and she was always trying to take care of me and help me sort things out. But now I've finally sorted it, and this will be the first time we just get to spend time together, having fun. And having my brother and all our friends there is just an added bonus.
Everyone else was already there under the tree when Yamato and I got there. He immediately went over to where Taichi was talking with Jou and Koushiro and Sora, and I went over to Hikari-chan, who was sitting quietly watching Daisuke and Iori face off against Ken and Miyako in a tiny game of soccer.
"Hey," I said, plopping down beside her.
"Hey yourself." She leaned over and gave me a small kiss on the cheek in greeting. We didn't say anything after that, just sat comfortably next to each other, watching Daisuke getting his butt kicked by Ken in soccer. Iori and Miyako just kind of followed after those two helplessly, giving half-hearted kicks at the ball when their respective teammates sent them the ball. I don't know why Ken and Daisuke just didn't face off by themselves.
"Seems like Ken's winning," I remarked after awhile. "As usual."
She smiled. "Not that Daisuke doesn't give him a good run for his money. They're both excellent players, and they've improved since they were eleven."
"Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if they became big-league soccer stars some day."
"So how is Yamato?" she asked suddenly, as if the conversation about soccer hadn't even happened.
I blinked. "What?"
She shrugged. "Well, Taichi always seems so worried about him."
"Taichi worries too much then. He's a lot better than he was. We both are."
"Are you guys still seeing that psychiatrist?"
"Yeah, some.. Neither of us really need her anymore, so she's sort of tapering off our sessions."
"Are you okay with that?"
"Me, personally, or both of us?"
"Both of you."
"Well, Yamato seems to be fine with it. And me..." I took her hand and smiled at her. "I've accepted what happened now. I know everything, and I even remember everything. I don't like it, but I can live with it. I'm happy. I don't need to see her anymore. All I need to see now is you."
She giggled. "You're such a sap."
"At least I'm a true sap."
"You're going to kill me with all that sweetness, Takeru." But she was smiling as she said it.
I smiled back at her, giving her a quick kiss. Then I sobered and looked over at Yamato and Taichi.
"It was hard, though," I admitted. "I was fighting the truth from the moment I woke up in the hospital. But I think I knew it even then. And then when I started remembering.." I swallowed. I hadn't told Hikari-chan this before. "I blamed Yamato for it. I blamed him for placing me in that situation, and I blamed him for me almost dying, even though it wasn't his fault."
"But you don't blame him anymore?"
I looked back at her face. "No. I don't. Should I?"
"No. And if you did, I was going to have to kill you." She laughed, easing the slight bubble of tension that had formed over us.
I laughed with her, relieved. "Good thing I don't then, huh? Look, what say you we join that soccer game? We can all gang up against Ken and kick his butt." I stood up and brushed myself off, then held out a hand to her.
"I say sounds like a plan." She took my hand, and I pulled her up and brushed her off as well.
"Takeru!" she protested as I pretended to caress her. "I can brush myself off!"
"I thought you might like some help."
"I'm a big girl now. I can do it on my own. Come on, race you to the others." She took off running abruptly, and it almost seemed as if she was mad at me.
Almost.
She was still smiling. And as I took off after her, I was too.
Epilogue finale
© 2004 butterflie 15 April 2004 Thursday 10:10PM
Author's Notes: Ugh, the epilogue dragged on and on for me. I knew what I wanted to do, but I couldn't seem to get it written. Aside from the writer's block, it was hard finding the time to actually sit down and write. Life got so busy for awhile, and things just kept happening one after the other, so I'd only get to write a few paragraphs at a time.. so it took forever. I'm sorry. I didn't know I wouldn't finish this right away when I started. >< But, it's finished now! Yay! Time to celebrate. There were still a bunch of things I didn't get to address or that didn't get done the way I wanted, but the epilogue was starting to get lengthy (a few more pages, and it would be safe to call it a sequel!) and I figured if I didn't wrap it now, it'd never get finished. I'd like to thank all of you guys for being so patient, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I know much I hate it when authors don't update forever (even though I can definitely understand it!), so I try not to do it so much anymore.
As for other stories some of you may be following.. it's like this. Waiting is still very much in progress, I wrote a bunch of chapter 11 about two weeks ago, and if things at school stay settled down, and my grades stay up (I brought them way up, yay! Nothing failed this time) I should be able to finish chapter 11 and post it soon. No promises though. I'm still reaching for my goal of getting Waiting finished before college, however. So we'll see =P Carry On Dancing.. honestly, I am just so stuck on that one, I have no idea what to do with it. It might not be finished, I'm really sorry. I thought at one point I could do it, that's why I posted it, but now it looks as if I might not be able to. Unless I skip to the middle, where all my ideas start ^.~ And for anything else unfinished, just check my profile, because that's all old stuff and I'll have the status there.
I've also got an interesting story in the planning stages, and I think it could turn out quite well. However, don't expect to see any of it any time soon, I'd like to finish Waiting first, and I don't know if I'll actually write it or not. But it's a just in case ^^
Well, I believe that's it. Once again, thank you everyone who was reading and supporting, and as much as I love this story, I'm glad to see it finished. It's roughly 60 pages at Trebuchet MS font, size 10pt. It got a lot longer than I ever had planned for it to be ^^;; Heh.
Anyways, hope you guys enjoyed this, I appreciate any feedback you might leave, even if it's negative. Because I can laugh at the negative stuff =P Now I'm off to play Ragnarok Online some more! That game is so addicting~ o.O
//butterflie