Departure
Koushiro never speaks to him anymore. Something caused a rift between them, but why can't Jou remember it? [Joushiro, drug use, allusions to rape]
Digimon - NC-17 - English - Angst/Romance - Review: 4 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 19563 - Updated: 12-03-01 - Published: 12-03-01
Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine. Jyou is not mine, nor is Yamato, Taichi, Takeru, Hikari, Mimi, or any other character from Digimon. However, Dr. Kaos is mine, especially since he shows up frequently in my stories. Nyusumi is mine too, but that's another story. He's actually from the sequel to Untold Secrets, a work in progress right now with the tentative title of Waiting. The songs throughout near the end are from Ace of Base. Um... Beatiful Life, Blooming 18, My Deja vu, Perfect World.. all the songs used within this fic. They're not mine, okay? I lay no claim to them!
Rating: This fic weighs in at... A LOT OF STUFF! Lessee.. first and foremost, there's lemon. Not very descriptive, but lemon nonetheless. Some might say it's heavy lime. Okay, there's also rape and heroin use and an OD (but not death from it). It's a yaoi Jyoushiro SLASH, meaning Jyou/Koushiro. There's some sap at end, possibly a little bit of fluff, lotsa angst, and some insanity. And I believe that's all. Enjoy!! =^o^=
Author's Note: O2 never happened, although the 02 characters are in here and know the 01 characters. Also, the some of the idea of the fic was filched from Pretty Pretty Princess's fic Anti-Me, although I didn't intend for it to. But it turns out completely different, so no sweat there. Oh yeah, go read Anti-Me. It's an awesome Daikeru/Takedai. Humorous too, unlike my blah serious sappy lemons. But I did try writing this one differently than my others, so... And one last note? The part about Piedmon's castle being destroyed, it's not really true. A friend told me it was never destroyed. I had read about it in Cynthia and Lady Dragon's fic, so that's where I got it. Just so you people won't get confused. ^_~
Update as of September 12, 2001 11:15 pm
As you all know by now, September 11, 2001 is a day that will be remembered forever in history. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center, and one into the Pentagon. The loss of life is not yet accounted for, but it nonetheless a very tragic thing to have happened. After what happened yesterday, all my problems and all the problems of the characters seem rather petty now. I am not yet finished with this story, and I am not sure if I have the heart to go on, as am extremely horrified and depressed over the events of yesterday, but for the sake of any anime fans that may have died in yesterday's attack, I shall try. I just want to take a moment to put a few of my feelings down on paper, as well dedicate this and all current and future stories to the innocent people that have lost their lives because of the stupidity of others. You will be remembered.
Update as of November 27, 2001 10:56:52 pm
It's certainly taking me a long time to get this fic finished, isn't it? Oh, and did I ever mention? MAJOR OOCNESS!!!! BE WARNED!!!
Departure
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
*one shot Jyoushiro*
I wake to bright sunlight streaming in through my window, the pale rays making odd patterns of light on my floor.
Today's the day.
It's been so long since I've last seen them, since I last saw him. Six years. Koushiro....
I look away painfully, as though I've been burnt. It always hurts when my thoughts turn to him.
I was surprised when Yamato called me. Surprised that any of them would bother to call me, really. After all, they had been getting along fine without me for all this time.
I'm kinda saddened that Koushiro had never kept in touch with me. But ever since the Digital World six years ago, he just dropped out of my life, as did all the others.
I can't admit, not even now, that I just might have feelings for him. Every time my thoughts turn in that direction, I end up desperately thinking of something else to distract myself. I don't want to think what those certain thoughts might reveal.
But I disgress. I only meant to tell you why Yamato called.
It just came out of the blue. And I don't mean my hair.
I had come from an appointment with my psychiatrist just in time to catch the phone, which was about to fall off the hook from so much ringing.
I had answered breathlessly, causing the person on the other end to cheerfully inquire if he had interrupted anything between me and a girlfriend.
Blushing, I had told him no, then asked who I was talking to.
"Yamato," he had said, somewhat amused. "Don't you recognize my sexy voice, Jyou?"
"Not when I haven't seen any of you in six years," I had retorted.
"I guess not," he had said, sounding as if it didn't make a difference to him.
Then, to my surprise, he told me the whole Chosen crew was getting together for a gathering in the Digital World.
"We wondered if you wanted to come to. That is, if you're not busy. We just thought you might like to. Besides, it wouldn't seem the same without you there."
"When is it?"
"Saturday. We're all meeting at the school at seven, and not coming back until about eleven at night."
I remember sighing, as though I was trying to think.
"I guess I'll come," I had told him finally.
He sounded pleased. "Great! See you at Odaiba school then, k?"
"Sure." Then I had hung up.
Of course, now I wonder if agreeing to go to this thing was such a great idea. Did I really want to subject myself to such torture?
It's not late to back out, though. I can still say no. But would it be worth it, to turn down my one chance at seeing Koushiro again? I haven't seen in him so long, and now I have a chance to, and I want to shoot it down?
What the hell is wrong with me?
No wonder I'm seeing a psychiatrist.
Dammit, I'm straying again.
I'm supposed to be showering right about now.
Sighing, I climb out of bed and pad barefoot down the hall towards the bathroom I share with Jim. Sometimes I resent the fact he goes to college here in Odaiba. It means he still lives with Mom and Dad and I don't get my own bathroom.
Luckily, I'm up before him this morning, so the bathroom is still relatively clean. I take a shower as quick as I can, not wanting to be late in getting to the school.
Once I'm showered and dressed, I quickly grab my backpack and throw a few things in it: clean clothes in case my clumsiness shows and I fall into a stream or something, inhaler for the asthma I seemed to have developed, enough food for lunch and supper today, as well as crap to snack on, couple of needles for the smack I pollute my poor body with, and my various assortment of pills.
Actually, I don't really take that many different pills. Most are anti-depressants, and pills for asthma, and then nytro-glecerin pills for my heart condition. I'd explain the heart thing, but it's way too complicated. Maybe later I'll attempt too.
Of course, I didn't always used to take a bunch of junk. It was only after that terrible incident four years ago.
Oh wait, you have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget people are listening to me know, since I've been alone except for the voices in my head for so long. Or maybe you really are just another voice in my head. God knows I've had plenty before you.
Anyways, the terrible incident four years ago. I need to tell you about it, so you can understand the need for all the junk my body takes in.
It happened late at night. I had stupidly scheduled a doctor's appointment around the late evening, so by the time it was over, it was like 11:00 or so. I had been walking home when these six guys jumped me, beat me, gang raped me, and robbed me. The result was hospitalization for a month, a heart condition, and asthma. It also made me depressed, depressed enough so that I ran away for a year and got addicted to smack before coming back home. I'm still hooked on the stuff, but it's getting better. My parents don't know, but Jim does, and he's the one that made me start going to a psychiatrist. Although, I think if I can't leave the heroin alone after a year of getting help, I'm probably addicted for life.
But that's what happened to me, so now you don't have to wonder.
Anyways, to get back on subject.
After throwing that junk in my backpack, I left the house without bothering to leave a note, then headed towards the school.
The others were all there waiting for me when I arrived, Koushiro included.
Taichi was the first to spot me.
"Jyou!" he cried.
The others looked over, and at first just stared at me.
Finally, Takeru chanced to say something. "Hey Jyou, long time no see."
"Hey," I replied quietly, embarrassed at all the attention I was getting.
Hikari smiled at me in that soft, reassuring way of hers. She had really grown up quite different from the eight year old I had known. At fourteen, she was becoming really beautiful, and I'm sure in a few more years all the guys would be falling over her. I hope Taichi realized how lucky he was to have a sister like that.
Yamato smiled at me too, although it was really more like a grin than anything else. "Yo Jyou! Wha's shakin'? Sorry about interrupting whatever it was when I called the other day."
I shook my head wildly in protest as Sora looked at me with some surprise.
"You didn't interrupt anything! I had just gotten home from running, that's all! I swear!"
Yamato just gave me a sly look. "Sure Jyou."
I protested my innocence once more, but he wasn't listening. Instead he was whisphering something to Taichi.
Shrugging, I gave up.
Koushiro still hadn't said anything to me.
I wonder why.
Is he thinking about the last time we were together, right before we were forced to leave the Digital World for what we had thought was the last time?
But if he was, then why won't he say something?
It had been him that initiated that kiss, not me.
I realize with some clarity that I'm blushing. Especially when Yamato points it out to me.
He sure has changed a lot from the quiet, overprotective eleven year old.
"Hey Jyou, you're blushing! Thinking about spending some quality time with your girlfriend?" he teased me, that never-fading grin spreading wider across his face.
"Shutup!" I snapped, ashamed to be caught blushing. I shouldn't have been thinking about Koushiro. "I already told you I don't have a girlfriend! And I never have either, so just shutup!"
Yamato looked surprised, and maybe a little hurt. Good. He deserved it. "Sorry," he said tentatively. "I was just joking."
I sighed, but didn't say anything.
Everyone stood in uncomfortable silence for a few moments, before Hikari broke the silence. "Are we just gonna stand here all day, or are we gonna go to the Digital World?"
"I guess... go to the Digital World," I said, because nobody else seemed like they were gonna reply.
Koushiro shrugged -finally some sort of reaction from him!- and took out a Digivice. It looked different from the ones we had six years ago.
"Where'd you get that?" I asked him.
"Gennai upgraded all our Digivices a few years ago. He would have done yours, but you weren't around," he mumbled.
Then he turned towards one of the computers in the lab and shouted, "Digital Gate Open!"
Shortly we were in the Digital World.
It looked different than I remembered it. Fresher, newer somehow. Maybe it was just because I hadn't been here in so long.
Immediately Taichi assumed leadership, as if it were the old days again, and began walking.
He led us to a shady clearing under a bunch of trees. After Hikari took a blanket out of her backpack and spread it, we all threw our stuff down.
"So what are we doing first?" Takeru asked.
Taichi looked at him. "We were supposed to go meet Mimi at the ruins of Piedmon's castle, remember?"
"Oh yeah."
"But," Taichi continued, "that won't be for another hour, so we can either rest or whoever wants to can explore kind of close around here for a little while."
"I think I'll explore," Hikari said.
"And I'll come," Takeru added.
Taichi looked over at Sora, Koushiro, and me. "What about you three?"
Sora shrugged. "I wanted to see if I could locate Piyomon."
"I was gonna see Gennai to ask him something."
"What about you Jyou?" Taichi asked me.
"I j-just thought I'd ....g-go wander around for awhile, I guess," I stammered.
"Allright. Well everyone try to meet Yamato and me here in about forty five minutes, ok?"
"Sure," we all replied together, as everyone else started going in their various ways.
I went and picked my backpack up, then walked off a bit.
After I was sure I was alone, I sat down and pulled out a clean needle already filled with smack. I rolled up my shirt sleeve, revealing fading needle tracks, and looked for a bare spot on my arm. There weren't many, after two years, my arms were pretty used up.
But I finally managed to find a vein I could use, and plunged the needle in, enjoying the light sensation I always felt once the heroin hit my bloodstream and started to work its magic.
It's not that I wanted to be high on this little trip into the Digital World, especially around everyone else. It's just that things were starting to get to me. I was already feeling pressured and out of place, and the only relief I knew was the smack.
Anyways, after throwing the needle back into my pack, I slung it back over my shoulder and headed back towards the clearing.
What I saw when I got there shocked me, but not as much as it might shock a normal person like you or maybe your friends. Unless of course, you're that voice in my head, in which case you wouldn't be shocked at all.
Yamato and Taichi were currently wrapped around each other, lips pressed painfully together in fierce abandon, both kissing each other with such passion that I could almost feel it myself.
Once the shock wore off though, I realized I wasn't really affected by it. Those two had always seemed to have something for each other, ever since the Digital World. It had to have been only a matter of time before they got together.
Approaching the blanket, I coughed delicately, and they reluctantly drew apart, looking up.
"Jyou," Taichi said, blushing slightly.
I shrugged. "I just came back to sleep for a bit. You two can makeout all you want, it doesn't bother me."
Then without so much as a glance at them, I went over and lay down at the opposite end, closing my eyes and losing myself in the floating sensation I always experienced when I went on a high.
I know without a doubt that since I took the smack today, I'm gonna continue taking it almost nonstop until my next appointment with Dr. Kaos, my psychiatrist. Unfortunately, this is not for another three weeks.
He always tells me otherwise, but even I don't deny this fact. I'm just a hopeless junkie. That's one thing I can be honest about, unlike my feelings for Koushiro.
Which, incidentally, Dr. Kaos does NOT know about. Hell, how could I admit them to him when I can't even to myself?
My life is such a nightmare.
Soon I hear someone heading back through the bushes towards the clearing, and the unmistakable sound of Taichi and Yamato separating.
"Hey guys," Sora's voice said. "No one besides you three are here yet?"
I open my eyes, blinking at the sudden brightness, then look over at the others in time to catch Yamato shaking his head.
"Nope," he's saying. "Just us and Jyou."
He had hardly finished saying this when Takeru and Hikari came charging in, respective digimon perched atop the expensive Calvin Klein hat-and please note the sarcasm with which I say this-, or riding along in the bright pink backpack.
It was about that time Koushiro showed up -of course, we all show up at the same time, it makes for great conveniences- Tentomon flying not far behind him.
Taichi looked at his watch.
"Well, it's about time," he told us. "Better start heading for the old castle."
We all nodded, and after grabbing our stuff began following Taichi and Yamato. Along the way Agumon and Gabumon joined us, although I didn't see any sign of Gomamon around.
Great, even my Digimon didn't want to hang around me anymore.
Maybe I really was wrong to come on this trip.
It only brings back painful memories, ones I was doing just fine without.
It doesn't take us long to reach the old castle, the one that had caused so much suffering for Yamato, as well as the rest of us.
Mimi was already there waiting for us when we arrived.
She greeted everyone with a big enthusiastic hug and the usual comments about how much she missed everybody, it was great to see us, blah blah blah.
I hate all that crap. It gets on my nerves.
I was surprised when she threw her arms around me in an overly cheerful hug. It also didn't escape my attention that her hug lingered just a bit longer with me than anyone else. I just hope I was the only one that realized it. The last thing I need were more wise cracks from Yamato about girlfriends and interrupting something.
When Mimi had finished greeting everybody, she turned towards Taichi with a wide smile on her face. "So, what are we doing?"
"Well, we figured you want to see Palmon before we do anything else, and also Gomamon hasn't showed up yet," Taichi suggested.
She sighed dreamily. "Palmon... it's been so long since I've seen her. I can't wait to greet her weedy body again!"
Yamato snorted back a laugh. "Weedy body?"
"What?" Mimi asked defensively. "I don't know of any other way to describe her! Why don't you try? I bet you wouldn't be able to come up with anything!"
"I would too!" he retorted. "If it were me, I'd call her.... uh..." he scrunched up his face, thinking. "I'd call her...uh... well, a .... a weed?" he said somewhat sheepishly, an embarrassed grin on his face.
"Ha! Told you!" Mimi cried triumphantly, flipping her pink hair over her shoulder as she did so.
Everyone except for me laughed.
Finally the laughter subsided, and Taichi suggested we get going if we wanted to find Palmon and Gomamon before the turn of the century.
"We can wait! It's only a few more months, Taichi!" Takeru exclaimed.
This brought more laughter.
"Um guys?" I spoke up timidly.
They all turned to look at me, and Taichi said, "Yes, Jyou?"
I wish they would stop looking at me all the time. I was beginning to feel unnerved in the face of their stares.
"Well, um, can you guys wait on me a moment? There's something I need to do before we get going."
"Sure Jyou," Taichi said, looking curious.
Relieved, I hurried off a little way into the bushes and dropped down so no one would see me, then shot up.
I know, I know. I really shouldn't be taking so much smack, especially not around the others, but I seriously can't help myself.
It makes me feel better, and it's the only thing that keeps me from losing my head.
"Jyou?"
"Ah!" I cried, jumping a little. Then I swore as I plunged the needle too deep into my arm. I didn't do it purpose. I was startled.
"Koushiro," I said, frantically trying to pull the needle out of my arm and hide it before he saw it.
It was too late. I could tell he already saw it by the way his eyes got real huge and all sad looking.
"The others got tired of waiting and went on ahead. They left me behind to wait on you," he said quietly, watching as I struggled to pull the needle out of my arm.
There was no need to be discreet. He'd already seen it.
"Shit," I mumble.
Without saying a word, he comes over and helps me in my struggles.
Eventually we manage to get it out. "Thanks," I mutter, rubbing my sore arm.
There is a long moment of awkward silence, then, with both of us thinking about the last time in the Digital World and neither of us knowing what to say.
My mind is desperately screaming for me to speak up and say something to him, anything so I don't have to sit there and look like a fool.
But the silence is stronger than I am, and so we sit without a word spoken.
"How come you're taking that stuff?" Koushiro asks at long last.
I sigh. "It's a long story," I say.
"I've got time," he tells me, laying down on the ground. "And I won't say anything to anyone else if you don't want me to."
I sighed once more, then lay back as well before beginning to tell my story.
"It happened four years ago. I had been coming home from a doctor's appointment around 11:00 pm or so. It was really dark, one of those nights where there seems to be no moon or stars out. I heard strange noises behind me, noises that sounded suspiciously like footsteps. Already feeling very nervous and scared, I started walking faster, anxious to get home. The footsteps behind me also increased their pace. And then I realized there were more than one set of footsteps. Terrified and panicked, I started to run.
"That's when the people following jumped me, held me down, refusing to let me go. I struggled and screamed and kicked, but they were all stronger than me. I was really scared. I thought I was going to die," I confessed, choking back tears as I relived that horrible night. But I forced myself to continue.
"Then one guy, I guess he was the leader of the gang, he started tearing my clothes off of me. I could hear the taunts and laughter all around me. It infuriated me. I renewed my struggle to get free, all to no avail. As the other guys turned me over and held me down, the leader laughed and raped me, over and over, as well as the six other members of the gang. Every time I was on the verge of fainting, they beat me up to the point of wide awake consciousness.
"After that incident, I became very depressed for a long time. I eventually ran away from home. I was gone for a whole year. I got addicted to heroin and all kinds of other drugs, thanks to the people I hung out with. I screwed about anyone I could lay my hands on, guy or girl. I begin to feel very insecure, and in order to prove myself, I started to steal things. I became a male prostitute, selling my body for a cheap price. I was a drug dealer. I'd go out with the gang and beat people up. I robbed stores of their money. About the only things I stayed away from were murder and rape.
"Finally I got busted ripping off a store, and the cops picked me up and took me down to cool for a night in the slammer. I did a lot of thinking that night in jail, and realized a lot of things for the first time. And the next day when they let me go, I returned straight home and started to get counseling. I'm getting better now, but I'm still addicted to the smack. The only other person that knows besides my psychiatrist is Jim, so please don't tell anyone Koushiro. I'm trying, I really am. It's just so hard."
By now I couldn't stop the tears from streaming freely down my face. Ashamed, I wiped them away but more just kept coming, never ending.
Koushiro remained silent beside me.
I wonder what he's thinking.
Then my eyes open wide in shock as I feel a pair of warm soft lips on mine.
Koushiro's kissing me!
Again!
I respond eagerly, kissing him with fierce abandon, parting my lips slightly as he slides his tongue inside my mouth.
Our hands are all over each other now, touching, exploring.
Barely able to control myself, I yank Koushiro's shirt over his head, ripping it in the process. He grunts but doesn't say anything about it, instead just pulls my own shirt off as well.
It doesn't take long before we our fully unclothed.
I continue kissing him deeply, then trail kisses down his jaw, neck, stomach, stopping just before I get to that part of his body that is craving for attention.
He groans when my mouth leaves his body, but doesn't have time to protest as I twist him around and begin to enter him slowly and with as little pain as possible.
He buries his head in my shoulder, muffling a scream as my erection stretches him. I suppose I should have taken the time to stretch him out gradually with my fingers at first, especially considering I couldn't use lubricant, but I was just too eager.
Once I am fully sheathed, I lay on top of him as he pants heavily, trying to get used to the pain.
Trying to comfort him, I apply gentle kisses all over his body, hoping to take his mind off the pain. Then I start to thrust into him, slow at first but picking up the pace when he hisses at me to go faster, moaning at the pleasure I'm giving him.
Reaching around, I take his straining sex into my hand and began to stroke him, helping him along to his climax. He shivers uncontrollably under my touch, all the while moaning, "Oh God..."
I let out a throaty laugh. "Jyou will be just fine, thanks." I say, making a rare joke.
Suddenly he explodes, cum going all over my hand, his stomach, the grass.
It's not long before my own violent orgasm, my seed released deep inside his body.
With a loud groan, I slowly pull out of Koushiro and flop down on the grass beside him.
Pretty soon we're both fast asleep.
When I wake a few hours later, Koushiro and his clothes are gone. I sit up slowly, disoriented, blinking sleepily.
Then I look around."
"....Koushiro?" I ask timidly.
Where did he go? Why did he leave me?
"Ko-Koushiro?" I try again.
No answer.
A few tears slide down my face as I realize he really did leave me.
Trying to ignore my heavy heart and the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, I crawl over to my clothes and dress slowly.
Then I grab a clean needle out of my backpack and inject myself with some more smack.
I know I shouldn't, but no one except you is going to find out, and you're just a voice in my head, so you don't matter.
Stop telling me it's wrong.
I know it is, but what do you expect? Koushiro had sex with me and then just disappeared.
Of course I'm going to take the heroin.
Just then I hear a voice.
Unless that's you I hear.
"Jyou?"
Guess not.
I turn.
Taichi is staring at me.
I don't say anything, just stare as tears continue to roll down my cheeks.
The needle is clutched tightly in my hand.
"Jyou?" Taichi asks again, then takes a step towards me. He gasps as his eyes focus on the needle in my hand.
"Jyou, where did you get that knife?"
Knife? I frown in confusion. What knife?
Then I realize. I hold out my hand, showing him the needle. "It's not a knife, see? It's just a needle."
"Oh." He sighs, then walks over to me. "Jyou, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
I shrug, not wanting to tell him about Koushiro. "Nothing's wrong," I tell him.
He gives me a Look.
"Yeah right. You're crying and holding a needle of some sort in your hand. Something's wrong, Jyou. What is it?"
"I told you Taichi, nothing's wrong!" I snap.
He looks hurt, but curtly replies, "God, fine, sorry, I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to be concerned about you." Then he glances down at my hand. "What's that needle for?" he asks me.
I flush and thrust the needle into my backpack. "Oh this? Uh, um, oh, I-it's nothing, really!"
He rolled his eyes but didn't say anything, knowing I wasn't going to tell him. Instead he mentioned that it was past noon, the others had been worried about me and we should head back to them.
I listened to him, confused. Didn't Koushiro tell them he had been with me?
No, of course not, another small voice in my head spoke up. Why would he tell everyone he had been with you when he didn't come back with you?
And worse, why would he want to when they would all ask why we had been gone so long?
Did I really think Koushiro would admit to having sex with me?
I don't understand how I am so stupid sometimes.
But anyways, I simply nod to Taichi and start following him back to where the others had settled.
When we get there, Mimi rushes to me with a worried look on her face.
"Jyou!" she cried. "Where were you? I was so worried!"
"Nowhere," I mutter, pretending to stare at my feet. In reality, I was really sneaking glances at Koushiro.
He was working intently on his laptop, not caring to show whether or not he was glad I had finally showed up. Then just as I was about to give up and stare at my feet for real, he casts his eyes sideways towards me.
Our eyes lock.
We continue to stare silently at each other for several long moments while the others voice their concern for me.
I could care less.
All I can think about right now is Koushiro.
Why did he kiss me?
Why did he let me take him?
Why, and this was perhaps the most important why of all, why had he abandoned me?
I mean, I've always known that I've -well, you know-for a long time, subconsciously if not consciously. I've felt like that almost since I met him.
Oh, I didn't l-l-*love* him. Not at first anyways. That took a long time for me to feel like that.
But I had always admired and looked up to him. He was just so smart and cool and he always seemed to remain calm. You could always count on him to provide the rest of us with information that could help us in battle.
Not that he couldn't help either.
In fact, I'd always considered him and Tentomon to be one of the strongest and bravest fighters out of the Chosen.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. That Taichi or Yamato were a whole lot stronger than Koushiro ever was, but it's not true, really.
Yamato is just too easily controlled by the Darkness. He isn't strong enough to always resist it. And Taichi's-well, Taichi is Taichi. He's too bold and rash in his decisions. It would be easy for him to make a mistake.
As for the others; Sora, Mimi, Hikari, Takeru. Well, they're all strong in their own ways, but they don't come close to matching Koushiro. Sora and Mimi are both too easily controlled by their emotions, and Hikari and Takeru were both too young at the time to be able to be considered strong fighters.
Just so you know, I don't mean physical fighters, I mean like mentally.
Tonikaku, back to Koushiro.
I don't think I actually felt strongly about him until that incident four years ago. I don't want to admit it, but the whole time I was being raped, the only thought running through my mind was 'Koushiro, I'm sorry'. Isn't that bad? I didn't even know what I was sorry about. I just was.
I felt like I had betrayed him or something.
Besides, he *did* kiss me when we were leaving the Digital World.
"Jyou?"
I look up, distracted out of my brooding, and realize Takeru is staring into my face. I wonder how long I had been standing there. "Huh?" I managed.
I sneak a peek over at Koushiro and notice he is no longer looking at me, but is instead studying his hands. The expression on his face is blank, not revealing his thoughts.
Mentally I curse, wanting to know what he's thinking. Somehow I don't think it's how much he enjoyed the time with me.
I need the smack.
I suddenly realize Takeru is still talking to me.
"Sorry, what did you say?" I ask him sheepishly.
He lets out an exasperated sigh. "For the third time, I asked you if you really want to stay in the Digital World until late tonight. You don't seem to be having a good time."
"I don't?"
Of course I'm not. But I can't hurt Takeru's feelings.
I mean, what kind of a friend would I be if I told him how miserable this trip is making me?
Not much of one, that's for sure.
Although I'm not that much better of a friend to the Chosen right now anyways.
"He's gone again," Takeru sighed.
"I am not!" I protested, catching that comment. "I just got caught up in the moment, that's all!"
"What moment?"
Yamato grinned, and I knew I wasn't going to like he was about to say.
"I bet you were thinking about having sex with that girlfriend you don't have," he joked.
"For the last time, I don't have a fucking girlfriend!" I screamed at him. "I'm gay, I don't even like girls! So just leave me the hell alone!"
They were all staring at me in shock.
At first I didn't know why, I hadn't realized I had just accidentally come out to them.
Then I went back over the words I had just said and it hit me.
"Oh shit..."
Backing away from them, my eyes wide, I fumbled for my backpack behind me. Once I had it, I tore out of that clearing like my life depending on it.
Then a few feet away I stopped, even though I was still within their seeing range, and practically ripped my backpack open, yanking out yet another needle and hastily shooting up.
(I don't even want to tell you how much heroin I brought with me.)
Not like it matters now.
Already I am feeling calm, peaceful.
What was I so upset about hours ago?
Or was it hours?
My mind tells me it was a lifetime ago, but I get the impression it was minutes....no, hours....maybe it was days?
But that can't be right, can it? ....Or.... can it.....not..... I don't know... what's going on?
I feel.... wrong, somehow... Koushiro.... something ... happened ... about him... it made me upset..... or did it? ..I think it did. Maybe not.
Oh God, I feel wrong.
I'm flying.
Through the air.
The ground is rushing towards me.
I wonder why.
It's very fast.
Maybe I'm not flying.
I'm falling.
Everything is black.
It's still black.
No, wait.
There's a tiny prick of light.
It's at the end of the tunnel.
But when did I end up in a tunnel?
I don't know.
I want to leave.
It's too dark.
I must head towards the opening of the tunnel.
There's light there.
And it's warmer as I'm getting nearer.
I hear voices.
Are they waiting for me at the end of this dark, damp place?
Is .....
Koushiro....
Is he waiting for me?
But why do I care?
Why should I want him to be there?
I think.... something happened.
Between us.
Between me and Koushiro.
Something good.
But then he hurt me.
How?
I don't remember.
Don't think about it.
Just head towards the light.
The light is my savior.
"Jyou?"
"Oh thank God, he's waking!"
"Jyou, you're awake!"
"Huh?" I mutter groggily, trying to sit up.
It doesn't work.
A feeling of dizziness overtakes me, and I cry out, leaning back in my bed again.
Wait, this isn't my bed. I don't remember having white sheets.
Where am I?
"Jyou?"
Someone is leaning over me. I can see their face. It's blurry, but yet it's somehow familiar. I know I have seen it before, but where?
"Jyou, it's me, Dr. Kaos. Can you hear me?"
"Dr. ... Kaos?" I mutter, wincing as the pounding in my head seems to intensify.
"Jyou?"
"What happened?" I asked. I don't remember. My mind is a blank.
"You overdosed," Dr. Kaos told me gently. "Luckily your friends were there to save you."
"Overdosed?" I was confused. "Overdosed on what?" I don't take drugs, do I?
"Heroin."
"Oh," I started to say calmly. Then the full impact of what Dr. Kaos was saying hit me.
"What?" I yelped. "You mean I almost killed myself with a overdose of heroin?!"
He just gave me a strange look. I think he was saying something else, but I couldn't hear him. I was overwhelmed with a dizzy feeling. But it was different. The world wasn't spinning around me or anything. Rather, I felt like I was swaying.1 And what made it worse was that I was already laying down, so doing that wouldn't make it go away. I feared I would faint any minute. Dr. Kaos was still speaking, but that no longer mattered. He was just a voice in the distance. The only thing I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears. My head was pounding, as if one of you voices grew feet and decided to up and run a mile or two.
Then, surprisingly, the feeling passed, and Dr. Kaos was leaning over me, the worry on his face quite visible.
"Jyou? Are you okay? What happened?" he questioned me.
"I....I don't feel so well," I mumbled, right before everything went gray.
When I woke next, the room seemed to be dark. I looked over at where I remembered seeing a window last. The curtains were drawn, but I could tell outside the sky was black.
I glanced around. Dr. Kaos was nowhere in sight, but over on one of the hardbacked hospital chairs, I spotted Koushiro sleeping fitfully, drying tear tracks on his cheeks. He was tossing and turning under a blanket I assume a nurse brought him, and every once in awhile he'd mutter something unintelligible.
I felt tears begin to gather in my eyes, and I wiped them away, not wanting to cry right now. I had a feeling there would be plenty of time for that later.
But still, I was touched. As hard as he tried not to show it, Koushiro obviously cared for me. That much was evident in the fact that he was sleeping on an impossible hospital chair in my room right now, not to mention the tears on his cheeks.
I wondered how he reacted when I had overdosed today. Or was it yesterday? I don't even know right now. And I don't really care right now. All I know is that I want to kick myself right about now.
I was completely stupid in front of everybody. Not only did I let them know I was -was... well, you know! -but I also showed them that I'm nothing except a hopeless druggie, endlessly addicted to smack. And then I had almost killed myself. Jyou no baka. How could I have done that? Especially to Koushiro. I don't even want to think how much I must have hurt him today.
But he hurt you too, that second voice in my head said. Remember? He left you right after you had sex with him. Would someone that really cares about you do that to you?
Yes! He does too care about me! And we didn't just have sex. We made love! There's a difference!
If he cares about you, he wouldn't have left you all alone, then ignored you later on.
No! That's not true! He cares about me, I know he does. He was probably just confused before.
Sure, Jyou. He was confused. That's all.
But it was, I protested weakly. That's all it was.
"Allright Jyou, tell me what happened." Dr. Kaos said gently.
It's three days later, I'm at Dr. Kaos's office for an emergency counseling session, and I was just released from hell a few hours ago.
Koushiro stayed there all that time, but he never spoke to me. I didn't speak to him either.
I was too scared.
I'm such a fucking pansy.
"Jyou?" Dr. Kaos persisted.
I looked up. "Huh?"
"I said, tell me what happened. What caused you to overdose?"
"The fact that I was taking the smack almost constantly all day until I OD'd and almost died."
"Allright.... that's a start. But if you want to get anywhere in stopping this addiction, you might want to start from the beginning."
I sighed. "Do I have to?"
"Yes, Jyou."
"Aw man," I whined. I sighed again. I paused for a moment. "I don't know how to begin," I said truthfully.
"Why don't we start with that morning?"
"Because it goes back waaaaaa~aaay before that," I told him. "I suppose it really began when I was twelve. That year, I went to a summer camp. While I was there, I met these six other kids. Yagami Taichi, 11, Ishida Yamato, 11, Takaishi Takeru, 8, Takenouchi Sora, 11, Tachikawa Mimi, 10, and Izumi Koushiro, 10." My voice had a tender quality to it when I mentioned Koushiro, and Dr. Kaos picked up on it.
"You have special feelings for this boy Koushiro, do you not?"
I nodded, bright red. "Yes. I can't ever admit it to myself but I do lo- you know. I can't say it. I never have been able to. Not even in my head."
"You love him?" he asked quietly.
I nodded again. "Yes."
"Allright, go on."
"Okay." I then went on to explain briefly to him about the Digital World.
"I see," he said when I finished. "So you were one of the kids that saved the Earth six years ago. I remember when that happened."
"Yeah," I told him. "But then, when it was over, I never saw the rest of the seven others anymore. They were all wrapped up in their own lives and each other to remember about me. Even Koushiro, who had kissed me the last few moments we were together in the Digital World, seemed to have forgotten about me.
"But I never forgot about him. I seemed to spend more and more time thinking about him. It was like I was obsessed with him. The less I saw of him, the more of him I craved. He was in my thoughts during the day and in my dreams at night. He never left my mind.
"Then four years ago I got raped-you know the story, after all, it's how I met you-and I knew then just how much I cared for Koushiro because all through the ordeal, all I thought of was him.
"Anyways, to the present as of a few days ago. Well, actually, it was the same day I had my last appointment with you," I said. "I had just gotten home in time to answer the phone.
"It was Yamato who called. He invited me to a get together with all the Chosen. We were gonna spend the whole day in the Digital World. I agreed after a bit, kinda anxious about the prospect of seeing Koushiro again."
"Why were you nervous about seeing Koushiro?" Dr. Kaos interrupted me.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Because," I said. "I hadn't seen him in six years, and the last time we were together, he kissed me. I didn't know what he meant by that or how he may have felt about me or why he never attempted to keep in touch with me."
"Had it ever occurred to you to try to contact him?" he asked me.
"I was too afraid," I confessed, bowing my head. "I couldn't bring myself to face him. And after I was raped and ran off and got in so much trouble, ..well then, I was just ashamed. A lot of people at school knew about it, and I'm sure he did too. Of course, it turns out that he didn't, but at the time, I didn't know that."
"I see. Well, let's go to the Digital World. What happened after you met your friends that day?"
"Well, everyone said they were glad to see me, and Yamato teased me about having a girlfriend. That's because when he called the other day, I had been running, and when I answered the phone, I was breathless, so he thought I had been doing something with a girl."
"Did this upset you?"
"Very much. I was already nervous about being around Koushiro, and the fact that Yamato wouldn't shut up about my non existent girlfriend combined with the fact that Koushiro hadn't said anything to me did nothing to relieve my anxiety.
"Tonikaku, after I had greeted everybody, we went to the Digital World. Almost as soon as we got there I shot up. I was very stressed out, and I didn't want to deal with it. Then a short while later, we went to meet up with Mimi, who had to get from the Digital World from New York. Well, we met her okay and everything, but I had a craving for heroin again, so I asked everybody to wait a minute, then went in to the bushes and shot up again.
"Then Koushiro showed up. He startled me, and I got the needle a little to deep. After struggling in vain, Koushiro came over and helped me get it out. Then...." I paused, remembering those moments.
I don't think I'll ever forget them. That sad, scared look in Koushiro's eyes.... it tore my heart to pieces. I felt so bad because I knew that I had somehow hurt him. Like I had failed him.
"Then?" Dr. Kaos prompted.
I let out a sigh. "Then he asked me why I was taking the heroin. So I told him. That whole sorry story, I told him every bit. Afterwards..." I blushed. This was the embarrassing part, but as it led up to why I overdosed, I couldn't leave it out.
"Afterwards, I was crying, and I had my eyes closed, wondering what Koushiro was thinking since he wasn't saying anything.
"And that's when he kissed me.
"I kissed him back, and one thing just led to another. We couldn't seem to stop, it was just like-I don't know- it's just" I shrugged helplessly, embarrassed and at a loss for words.
"So what are you saying Jyou?" Dr. Kaos asked me. "Did you simply make out or did you have sex with him?"
"The latter."
I was blushing profusely by now.
"So you had sex with him," he stated, as if to make sure.
I nodded my head up and down. "When it was over, we both just kind of drifted off to sleep, but when I woke up later, he was gone, and so were his clothes. Taichi found me there, however, while I was injecting myself with some more smack. He didn't ask, though, and I didn't offer. Instead, we just went back to where the others were. The others all asked me stuff like where was I and everything, but I don't recall really answering them. I just remember thinking about Koushiro, and Takeru making some comment about me not listening. Then Yamato made another joke about me having sex with that girlfriend, and I think I totally lost it. I'm not really sure, things are hazy here," I told him uncertainly, mouth twisted in concentration.
"I don't know exactly what happened, but I know I yelled at Yamato. I yelled something about stop saying that, I don't have a girlfriend, I'm gay, and after that...... I think I ran.
"I don't believe I got very far though. I can remember stopping, and fumbling with my backpack, trying to get another needle out with everybody staring at me.... I managed to shoot up, I think. No, I must have, because then everything was so strange to me. I felt like I was falling, or something. The ground suddenly seemed a lot closer... everything was dark... someone put me in a tunnel.. there was light at the end. I went towards it..
"Then I woke up and I was in the hospital with you standing over me. I don't know how I got to there, or who found me in the tunnel, or how I got out, or even out of the tunnel. I just remember being in a dark tunnel."
"Jyou?" a tentative voice came.
I looked up. Mimi was standing in the doorway to my bedroom. I was home alone, so I wondered how she got in. Then I realized Jim had probably gone off and left the door unlocked again.
"Can I come in?" she asked, looking timid.
"Sure," I sighed, gesturing to my bed. "Come on in."
"Thanks." She walked in, shutting the door behind her, and sat on my bed.
"So what's up?" I asked her after a moment of silence.
She fidgeted uncomfortably for a few minutes, but finally came out with it. "Jyou, what's going on between you and Koushiro?"
I jumped a mile high, I swear I did.
"Nothing's going on between us," I told her nervously. "Why do you ask?"
She glared at me. "Liar. I saw the way you two were around each other in the Digital World, and I also saw how he acted when you overdosed. He totally freaked out, crying and yelling your name. Then he wouldn't ever leave the hospital, not even after you woke. But he wouldn't speak to you. Why? What's going on?" Then she said something else in English I couldn't understand, but I didn't bother to ask about it.
I was too busy thinking about Koushiro.
I don't understand him. Does he like me or not? Because he keeps kissing me, he let me make love to him, he freaked out when I overdosed, he stayed by my side in the hospital, but he won't hardly ever speak to me.
"Jyou?"
"I-I don't know," I said truthfully. "I think he likes me, but I'm not sure. I'm getting mixed emotions from him."
"Well do you like him?"
"Yes," I whisphered. "I like him a lot. But I'm too afraid to tell him. I'm too afraid of being rejected."
"Jyou? Jyou, don't leave me! Please! I'm sorry! Please, come back...Jyou..."
I'm running, ignoring him. My feet pound loudly on the asphalt, echoing in the empty alleyway.
I sneak a glance behind me, back at Koushiro. He's standing in the doorway to his apartment, crying. Even from this distance, I can see the tears glistening on his cheeks. As I watch, he turns and goes back into the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
I run on blindly, crying, ignoring the constricting feeling in my chest, trying not to imagine a string being wrapped tightly around my heart, then being pulled as hard it can. That's about how I feel.
Suddenly I let out a cry as I bump into someone standing directly in front of me.
I am knocked to my feet from the force of the impact, and around me I can hear a bunch of guys laughing.
"Well, well, well. Lookit what we got here. Fresh meat."
I stare up at six hulking guys, terrified out of my mind. Their clean shaven heads and mean looking tattoos scare me, but not as much as what I spot in their hands.
Knives.
As I continue to stare at them, terrified, one guy reaches down and grabs me by the crotch and shoulder, hoisting me up off the ground. He turns me round, studying me.
I struggle to get free, but he is hitting me now. I find myself back on the ground. All the guys are beating on me.
All of a sudden my pants are yanked off of me.
Roughly I am flipped over.
I start to scream, knowing what is coming, begging for him to stop....
He's entering me...no...I scream and scream...please stop....Koushiro, I'm sorry...
"Jyou! Wake up Jyou! Stop screaming!"
"No!" I scream, thrashing my arms about wildly. "No stop! Don't hurt me! Don't do this! Please don't!"
"Jyou!" someone yells, shaking me.
I squint at the face looming over my own.
"....Jim?" I ask hesitantly.
"Jyou, thank God!" Jim exclaims. "You were having a nightmare."
"A... nightmare?" I mutter, sitting up in confusion.
He nodded, relieved to see I was allright. "Yeah. It must have been real bad, the way you were screaming. I was worried about you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah.... yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry about it Jim."
"Allright." Then he left.
After he was gone, I sat there thinking about it.
That nightmare had seemed so real. It always did. There was nothing unusual about this reoccurring nightmare, except for one thing.
Koushiro....
Why had he shown up in my dream? That had never happened before.
And why was he yelling for me to come back?
Why had I run from him? What was he apologizing for?
This is all so confusing.
"Jim?" I call.
He appears in the doorway immediately. "Yeah?"
"C-Can I talk to you?"
His face takes on a concerned look, and he comes over and sits on my bed again.
Suddenly I have reverted back to a scared and confused thirteen year old....
"Jim?"
"Yeah, Jyou?"
"What if you like someone a whole lot but don't know how to tell them because you don't know how they feel about you?"
"Err... I guess.. you'd try to figure out how they felt about you like looking for little hints, or maybe experimenting a little. Like, try sitting closer to her than you normally do, or maybe invite her to the movies and then hold her hand or something. And if she doesn't seem to mind, tell her how you feel and hopefully she'll like you back."
I nodded. "But what if it's a guy?"
"Err.." his new favorite phrase. "A guy?"
"It's just hypothetical." That was a lie. But I had to reassure him somehow.
I sensed him relax slightly.
"I guess.... the same things. Why do you ask?"
"Well.... there's this person I know. I met them at summer camp, and while we were on that Digital adventure two years ago, we became really close. Then, when it was over, I got kissed. By this person. And since then, I haven't seen the person or talked to the person since."
"Well do you like this person?"
"I don't know!" I wailed. "I thought I did, but I haven't seem them in a year, and I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
"I mean, I'm so confused!"
"Why?"
Point blank.
"Because, this person is... well, this person....this person would not be under what's considered normal persuasion."
"In other words, this person's a guy and you're not sure whether you're really gay and that you like him, or if you just miss his friendship because you haven't seen him in a year. Am I right?"
"Err..." Now it was my phrase.
"Well, what do you feel when your around him?"
"Err..." Us Kido brothers should make this a trademark phrase. "Well.. when I first met and I was around him, it was weird. I was happy, at peace being around him. I admired him like crazy. Then everything changed. This girl Mimi, she liked me, liked being around me and everything. I thought I would be happy, finally someone liked me. But instead of wanting to be around her, I found myself trying to avoid her. I'd make up excuses. Lot of the times I'd go hang with Koushiro, which is who I think I like. Then it got... strange. Being around Koushiro, I mean. I'd feel nervous and slightly nauseous, as if I was always on the verge of throwing up. I never knew what to say around him anymore, my tongue was tied in knots along with my stomach. I'd feel so fluttery and giddy around him. It scared me. Then I realized it for what it was. And all during our time in the Digital World, I'd pick up little ... hints.. from him. The very last day before we returned to earth, the last day I saw him a year ago, he.. he kissed me. Then he never saw me since."
I can remember that day so clearly, every little minute detail. The way I had been hunched up on the bed, wanting to cry but for some reason not being able to, the way the blankets had been stretched tightly over the bed because Mom had put them on not two days ago. How Jim had walked by my room and seen me sitting perfectly still on my bed, eyes glazed over as if I had been a thousand miles away. How I had jumped when he spoke my name. Every little aspect of that day was engraved on my brain, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.
And now here I am again, sitting on my bed with Jim next to me, about to bare my soul.
Oh shit.
I just realized.
Jim's still looking at me expectantly.
I forgot all about him.
It's the damn medicine. Sometimes it causes my mind to drift.
One of these days I'm gonna flush the damn things down the toilet.
I certainly won't miss them.
Oh hell, here I go wandering off track again.
First things first, answer my brother.
"Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"Sorry about that. I kinda drifted."
"I understand. Now, something you wanted to talk to me about?"
I nodded hesitantly. "Hai. It-It's about Koushiro."
He nodded knowingly.
Forever the understanding brother, laugh out loud.
Like it's really all that funny.
Sometimes I wonder about myself.
"Did something happen between you and Koushiro?" he asked me.
"Sorta..." I confessed, then nervously went on to tell him everything that happened since Yamato had called me that day, ending with the nightmare that had forced him to wake me up.
When I finally shut up, I looked at him expectantly.
Nervously too.
I mean, he's know I'm ..of the other persuasion for four years now, but I've never really known how he's felt about it.
I have no idea how he'll react to me and Koushiro having sex.
Lucky for me he takes it well enough, although that could just be an act. Of course, he doesn't really have anything to say. I'm okay with it though. I was mostly just looking for a sympathetic ear, and Jim just happened to be my scapegoat. I'm just glad he doesn't have a problem with my sexual preferences, because otherwise I wouldn't have a sympathetic ear.
Unless of course, he's pretending to be okay with it. I don't entirely trust him. I guess I haven't really trusted him in a long time. I haven't trusted anybody. After I was raped, trust became less of a belief and more of just another meaningless word. It's sad, but I can't help it. I've just learned to trust no one, that's all.
Two days after the nightmare, and I'm still a wreck. I can't figure out that thing with Koushiro. Why had I run from him? I don't recall ever seeing him the same night I got raped. In fact, I don't remember seeing him anytime after the Digital World, except maybe in brief passing.
God it's getting on my nerves!! Why can't I figure it out? If it really happened, I should be able to remember it.
And since I can't, that means it's just a dream.
Right?
Damn medicine. Curses. I really despise my life.
Suddenly my stereo switched to the next CD, and I jumped, startled. Yamato's voice started singing.
"Totsuzen yatte kuru shoutai..."
I recognized the song right away. It was Tobira, the song he had did with his band about three years ago. I don't know why I had bought the CD when it came out. I hadn't talked to Yamato in three years. But I liked the song. I felt like I could relate to it somewhat. It reminded me of my own song, the one I had made up when I had been really down a few years back.
"....hashiridasou dare no tame demo naku tomaretteru yori mashi dakara
"Toumei na kuuki kirisaite mabushii ano umi ni mukatte
"Oh keep on running keep on running
"Find out your reality
"Atarashii tobira no mae de gusugusu shiteru hima wa nai
"Josou tsukete tobidasou ze sono tobira keriagete
"kimi datte kitto dekira
"kitto tadoritsukeru kara..."
Yamato's song ended, and I stopped the stereo and opened the disc changer. Then I went to a little hidden compartment on the headboard of my bed and took out a CD case. Inside was the CD I had paid money to record at a studio with my song on it.
I put it in the disc changer and closed it, then started the song.
"Wakattetan da ki zuiteta yo <---I knew, I'd realized
"Honto ni yaritai koto <---What it was I really wanted to do
"Demo, megane no ushiro ni <---But I hid
"Nige konde ita <---Behind my glasses
"Kekka ga wakatte iru no ni <---If you know what the outcome will be
"Doushite yarun darou? <---Then why bother?
"Sou omotteta kedo <---That's what I used to think
"Jibun no te de kaerareru koto wa <---There are plenty of things
"Takusan arun da yo~o" <---That you can change yourself
Just then Mom knocked on the door.
"What?" I yelled irritably, pausing my song. Just when I was starting to get into the song and forget about Koushiro and that stupid dream.....
"Jyou! Phone!"
That's funny.
I don't remember hearing the phone ring.
It's the damn medicine again. I told you it screws with my senses.
"Who is it?" I yelled back.
"I don't know, some boy!"
Some boy?
I could feel my heart jump to my mouth.
Koushiro?
In nervous anticipation, I leaned over and picked up the extension in my room, clumsily falling off my bed with a loud THUD! in the process.
"Hello?" I said impatiently.
"Um... Jyou?"
It was Yamato's voice.
Automatically my heart took a suicidal plunge back down my windpipe and in to my stomach.
"Oh, hey... Yamato."
"Hey. Um.. listen... well.."
He sounded uncomfortable, and I knew why.
"Um... I need to talk to you.."
"Err..." I said, making use of an old phrase. "Now?"
"Yeah, if that's okay with you. Um... can you come over to my apartment? My Dad is on a -uh- a business trip, so he's not here right now."
"Err... I guess so. I'll let my mom know, and I'll be right over...er, okay?"
"Um.. yeah, sure. So, um, see you then?"
"Yeah. Well, uh, bai."
"Yeah, bai." He hung up.
I sighed, hanging up my own phone, then switching it over to my own line.
"Mom, I'm going out for a bit, allright?" I called to her.
"Allright. Be careful. Bai."
And that was that.
She didn't even care to ask where I was going and whether I would be okay.
Although, it's not like she really has that much reason to worry about me.
I had never told I got raped, or all that shit I was mixed up when I ran away, or that I take heroin.
She still doesn't know I overdosed.
Hell, she doesn't even know I see a psychiatrist.
But it's not because she doesn't care for me. It's just because I don't want her to know, that's all. I mean, why worry her unnecessarily?
When Yamato let me in, he still sounded incredibly uncomfortable. He was visibly nervous too. I bet not many people besides Taichi really got to see him like this.
Anyways, to make a long story short, he invited me in, offered me a drink which I declined, told me to sit down on the couch, and got right to the point.
"Jyou, um, listen, uh... I just, -well, see, I just wanted to um-"
Okay, maybe not right to the point. Allright, nowhere near the point at all.
"What I wanted to say was uh.. well, you see... I-" then he stops, takes a deep breath, and speaks again. "Jyou, I wanted to say I'm sorry."
I stared, in nothing short of shock.
After a long while, I smiled.
I mean, I really smiled.
It wasn't one of those fake, yes I'll pretend to be okay for your sake but I'm really not smiles, and it wasn't one of those I know I'm supposed to so I might as well less I be deemed an inconsiderate asshole smiles.
It was a real, genuine, honest-to-god smile.
"Why are you sorry, Yamato?" I asked him softly. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
He looked surprised. "Sure I do. All that time I kept saying those things about you and some girl and I didn't even know-didn't suspect- that you were gay. I mean, hell, if I'da known, I wouldn't have teased you like that. So I'm sorry for everything I said."
"Well, apology accepted, even though I don't think I deserve it. I overreacted, got more upset because I was hurt about something else. But thank you anyways."
He smiled back at me, and in that moment we were friends again.
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Digimon - NC-17 - English - Angst/Romance - Review: 4 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 19563 - Updated: 12-03-01 - Published: 12-03-01
Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine. Jyou is not mine, nor is Yamato, Taichi, Takeru, Hikari, Mimi, or any other character from Digimon. However, Dr. Kaos is mine, especially since he shows up frequently in my stories. Nyusumi is mine too, but that's another story. He's actually from the sequel to Untold Secrets, a work in progress right now with the tentative title of Waiting. The songs throughout near the end are from Ace of Base. Um... Beatiful Life, Blooming 18, My Deja vu, Perfect World.. all the songs used within this fic. They're not mine, okay? I lay no claim to them!
Rating: This fic weighs in at... A LOT OF STUFF! Lessee.. first and foremost, there's lemon. Not very descriptive, but lemon nonetheless. Some might say it's heavy lime. Okay, there's also rape and heroin use and an OD (but not death from it). It's a yaoi Jyoushiro SLASH, meaning Jyou/Koushiro. There's some sap at end, possibly a little bit of fluff, lotsa angst, and some insanity. And I believe that's all. Enjoy!! =^o^=
Author's Note: O2 never happened, although the 02 characters are in here and know the 01 characters. Also, the some of the idea of the fic was filched from Pretty Pretty Princess's fic Anti-Me, although I didn't intend for it to. But it turns out completely different, so no sweat there. Oh yeah, go read Anti-Me. It's an awesome Daikeru/Takedai. Humorous too, unlike my blah serious sappy lemons. But I did try writing this one differently than my others, so... And one last note? The part about Piedmon's castle being destroyed, it's not really true. A friend told me it was never destroyed. I had read about it in Cynthia and Lady Dragon's fic, so that's where I got it. Just so you people won't get confused. ^_~
Update as of September 12, 2001 11:15 pm
As you all know by now, September 11, 2001 is a day that will be remembered forever in history. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center, and one into the Pentagon. The loss of life is not yet accounted for, but it nonetheless a very tragic thing to have happened. After what happened yesterday, all my problems and all the problems of the characters seem rather petty now. I am not yet finished with this story, and I am not sure if I have the heart to go on, as am extremely horrified and depressed over the events of yesterday, but for the sake of any anime fans that may have died in yesterday's attack, I shall try. I just want to take a moment to put a few of my feelings down on paper, as well dedicate this and all current and future stories to the innocent people that have lost their lives because of the stupidity of others. You will be remembered.
Update as of November 27, 2001 10:56:52 pm
It's certainly taking me a long time to get this fic finished, isn't it? Oh, and did I ever mention? MAJOR OOCNESS!!!! BE WARNED!!!
Departure
by: butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess
*one shot Jyoushiro*
I wake to bright sunlight streaming in through my window, the pale rays making odd patterns of light on my floor.
Today's the day.
It's been so long since I've last seen them, since I last saw him. Six years. Koushiro....
I look away painfully, as though I've been burnt. It always hurts when my thoughts turn to him.
I was surprised when Yamato called me. Surprised that any of them would bother to call me, really. After all, they had been getting along fine without me for all this time.
I'm kinda saddened that Koushiro had never kept in touch with me. But ever since the Digital World six years ago, he just dropped out of my life, as did all the others.
I can't admit, not even now, that I just might have feelings for him. Every time my thoughts turn in that direction, I end up desperately thinking of something else to distract myself. I don't want to think what those certain thoughts might reveal.
But I disgress. I only meant to tell you why Yamato called.
It just came out of the blue. And I don't mean my hair.
I had come from an appointment with my psychiatrist just in time to catch the phone, which was about to fall off the hook from so much ringing.
I had answered breathlessly, causing the person on the other end to cheerfully inquire if he had interrupted anything between me and a girlfriend.
Blushing, I had told him no, then asked who I was talking to.
"Yamato," he had said, somewhat amused. "Don't you recognize my sexy voice, Jyou?"
"Not when I haven't seen any of you in six years," I had retorted.
"I guess not," he had said, sounding as if it didn't make a difference to him.
Then, to my surprise, he told me the whole Chosen crew was getting together for a gathering in the Digital World.
"We wondered if you wanted to come to. That is, if you're not busy. We just thought you might like to. Besides, it wouldn't seem the same without you there."
"When is it?"
"Saturday. We're all meeting at the school at seven, and not coming back until about eleven at night."
I remember sighing, as though I was trying to think.
"I guess I'll come," I had told him finally.
He sounded pleased. "Great! See you at Odaiba school then, k?"
"Sure." Then I had hung up.
Of course, now I wonder if agreeing to go to this thing was such a great idea. Did I really want to subject myself to such torture?
It's not late to back out, though. I can still say no. But would it be worth it, to turn down my one chance at seeing Koushiro again? I haven't seen in him so long, and now I have a chance to, and I want to shoot it down?
What the hell is wrong with me?
No wonder I'm seeing a psychiatrist.
Dammit, I'm straying again.
I'm supposed to be showering right about now.
Sighing, I climb out of bed and pad barefoot down the hall towards the bathroom I share with Jim. Sometimes I resent the fact he goes to college here in Odaiba. It means he still lives with Mom and Dad and I don't get my own bathroom.
Luckily, I'm up before him this morning, so the bathroom is still relatively clean. I take a shower as quick as I can, not wanting to be late in getting to the school.
Once I'm showered and dressed, I quickly grab my backpack and throw a few things in it: clean clothes in case my clumsiness shows and I fall into a stream or something, inhaler for the asthma I seemed to have developed, enough food for lunch and supper today, as well as crap to snack on, couple of needles for the smack I pollute my poor body with, and my various assortment of pills.
Actually, I don't really take that many different pills. Most are anti-depressants, and pills for asthma, and then nytro-glecerin pills for my heart condition. I'd explain the heart thing, but it's way too complicated. Maybe later I'll attempt too.
Of course, I didn't always used to take a bunch of junk. It was only after that terrible incident four years ago.
Oh wait, you have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget people are listening to me know, since I've been alone except for the voices in my head for so long. Or maybe you really are just another voice in my head. God knows I've had plenty before you.
Anyways, the terrible incident four years ago. I need to tell you about it, so you can understand the need for all the junk my body takes in.
It happened late at night. I had stupidly scheduled a doctor's appointment around the late evening, so by the time it was over, it was like 11:00 or so. I had been walking home when these six guys jumped me, beat me, gang raped me, and robbed me. The result was hospitalization for a month, a heart condition, and asthma. It also made me depressed, depressed enough so that I ran away for a year and got addicted to smack before coming back home. I'm still hooked on the stuff, but it's getting better. My parents don't know, but Jim does, and he's the one that made me start going to a psychiatrist. Although, I think if I can't leave the heroin alone after a year of getting help, I'm probably addicted for life.
But that's what happened to me, so now you don't have to wonder.
Anyways, to get back on subject.
After throwing that junk in my backpack, I left the house without bothering to leave a note, then headed towards the school.
The others were all there waiting for me when I arrived, Koushiro included.
Taichi was the first to spot me.
"Jyou!" he cried.
The others looked over, and at first just stared at me.
Finally, Takeru chanced to say something. "Hey Jyou, long time no see."
"Hey," I replied quietly, embarrassed at all the attention I was getting.
Hikari smiled at me in that soft, reassuring way of hers. She had really grown up quite different from the eight year old I had known. At fourteen, she was becoming really beautiful, and I'm sure in a few more years all the guys would be falling over her. I hope Taichi realized how lucky he was to have a sister like that.
Yamato smiled at me too, although it was really more like a grin than anything else. "Yo Jyou! Wha's shakin'? Sorry about interrupting whatever it was when I called the other day."
I shook my head wildly in protest as Sora looked at me with some surprise.
"You didn't interrupt anything! I had just gotten home from running, that's all! I swear!"
Yamato just gave me a sly look. "Sure Jyou."
I protested my innocence once more, but he wasn't listening. Instead he was whisphering something to Taichi.
Shrugging, I gave up.
Koushiro still hadn't said anything to me.
I wonder why.
Is he thinking about the last time we were together, right before we were forced to leave the Digital World for what we had thought was the last time?
But if he was, then why won't he say something?
It had been him that initiated that kiss, not me.
I realize with some clarity that I'm blushing. Especially when Yamato points it out to me.
He sure has changed a lot from the quiet, overprotective eleven year old.
"Hey Jyou, you're blushing! Thinking about spending some quality time with your girlfriend?" he teased me, that never-fading grin spreading wider across his face.
"Shutup!" I snapped, ashamed to be caught blushing. I shouldn't have been thinking about Koushiro. "I already told you I don't have a girlfriend! And I never have either, so just shutup!"
Yamato looked surprised, and maybe a little hurt. Good. He deserved it. "Sorry," he said tentatively. "I was just joking."
I sighed, but didn't say anything.
Everyone stood in uncomfortable silence for a few moments, before Hikari broke the silence. "Are we just gonna stand here all day, or are we gonna go to the Digital World?"
"I guess... go to the Digital World," I said, because nobody else seemed like they were gonna reply.
Koushiro shrugged -finally some sort of reaction from him!- and took out a Digivice. It looked different from the ones we had six years ago.
"Where'd you get that?" I asked him.
"Gennai upgraded all our Digivices a few years ago. He would have done yours, but you weren't around," he mumbled.
Then he turned towards one of the computers in the lab and shouted, "Digital Gate Open!"
Shortly we were in the Digital World.
It looked different than I remembered it. Fresher, newer somehow. Maybe it was just because I hadn't been here in so long.
Immediately Taichi assumed leadership, as if it were the old days again, and began walking.
He led us to a shady clearing under a bunch of trees. After Hikari took a blanket out of her backpack and spread it, we all threw our stuff down.
"So what are we doing first?" Takeru asked.
Taichi looked at him. "We were supposed to go meet Mimi at the ruins of Piedmon's castle, remember?"
"Oh yeah."
"But," Taichi continued, "that won't be for another hour, so we can either rest or whoever wants to can explore kind of close around here for a little while."
"I think I'll explore," Hikari said.
"And I'll come," Takeru added.
Taichi looked over at Sora, Koushiro, and me. "What about you three?"
Sora shrugged. "I wanted to see if I could locate Piyomon."
"I was gonna see Gennai to ask him something."
"What about you Jyou?" Taichi asked me.
"I j-just thought I'd ....g-go wander around for awhile, I guess," I stammered.
"Allright. Well everyone try to meet Yamato and me here in about forty five minutes, ok?"
"Sure," we all replied together, as everyone else started going in their various ways.
I went and picked my backpack up, then walked off a bit.
After I was sure I was alone, I sat down and pulled out a clean needle already filled with smack. I rolled up my shirt sleeve, revealing fading needle tracks, and looked for a bare spot on my arm. There weren't many, after two years, my arms were pretty used up.
But I finally managed to find a vein I could use, and plunged the needle in, enjoying the light sensation I always felt once the heroin hit my bloodstream and started to work its magic.
It's not that I wanted to be high on this little trip into the Digital World, especially around everyone else. It's just that things were starting to get to me. I was already feeling pressured and out of place, and the only relief I knew was the smack.
Anyways, after throwing the needle back into my pack, I slung it back over my shoulder and headed back towards the clearing.
What I saw when I got there shocked me, but not as much as it might shock a normal person like you or maybe your friends. Unless of course, you're that voice in my head, in which case you wouldn't be shocked at all.
Yamato and Taichi were currently wrapped around each other, lips pressed painfully together in fierce abandon, both kissing each other with such passion that I could almost feel it myself.
Once the shock wore off though, I realized I wasn't really affected by it. Those two had always seemed to have something for each other, ever since the Digital World. It had to have been only a matter of time before they got together.
Approaching the blanket, I coughed delicately, and they reluctantly drew apart, looking up.
"Jyou," Taichi said, blushing slightly.
I shrugged. "I just came back to sleep for a bit. You two can makeout all you want, it doesn't bother me."
Then without so much as a glance at them, I went over and lay down at the opposite end, closing my eyes and losing myself in the floating sensation I always experienced when I went on a high.
I know without a doubt that since I took the smack today, I'm gonna continue taking it almost nonstop until my next appointment with Dr. Kaos, my psychiatrist. Unfortunately, this is not for another three weeks.
He always tells me otherwise, but even I don't deny this fact. I'm just a hopeless junkie. That's one thing I can be honest about, unlike my feelings for Koushiro.
Which, incidentally, Dr. Kaos does NOT know about. Hell, how could I admit them to him when I can't even to myself?
My life is such a nightmare.
Soon I hear someone heading back through the bushes towards the clearing, and the unmistakable sound of Taichi and Yamato separating.
"Hey guys," Sora's voice said. "No one besides you three are here yet?"
I open my eyes, blinking at the sudden brightness, then look over at the others in time to catch Yamato shaking his head.
"Nope," he's saying. "Just us and Jyou."
He had hardly finished saying this when Takeru and Hikari came charging in, respective digimon perched atop the expensive Calvin Klein hat-and please note the sarcasm with which I say this-, or riding along in the bright pink backpack.
It was about that time Koushiro showed up -of course, we all show up at the same time, it makes for great conveniences- Tentomon flying not far behind him.
Taichi looked at his watch.
"Well, it's about time," he told us. "Better start heading for the old castle."
We all nodded, and after grabbing our stuff began following Taichi and Yamato. Along the way Agumon and Gabumon joined us, although I didn't see any sign of Gomamon around.
Great, even my Digimon didn't want to hang around me anymore.
Maybe I really was wrong to come on this trip.
It only brings back painful memories, ones I was doing just fine without.
It doesn't take us long to reach the old castle, the one that had caused so much suffering for Yamato, as well as the rest of us.
Mimi was already there waiting for us when we arrived.
She greeted everyone with a big enthusiastic hug and the usual comments about how much she missed everybody, it was great to see us, blah blah blah.
I hate all that crap. It gets on my nerves.
I was surprised when she threw her arms around me in an overly cheerful hug. It also didn't escape my attention that her hug lingered just a bit longer with me than anyone else. I just hope I was the only one that realized it. The last thing I need were more wise cracks from Yamato about girlfriends and interrupting something.
When Mimi had finished greeting everybody, she turned towards Taichi with a wide smile on her face. "So, what are we doing?"
"Well, we figured you want to see Palmon before we do anything else, and also Gomamon hasn't showed up yet," Taichi suggested.
She sighed dreamily. "Palmon... it's been so long since I've seen her. I can't wait to greet her weedy body again!"
Yamato snorted back a laugh. "Weedy body?"
"What?" Mimi asked defensively. "I don't know of any other way to describe her! Why don't you try? I bet you wouldn't be able to come up with anything!"
"I would too!" he retorted. "If it were me, I'd call her.... uh..." he scrunched up his face, thinking. "I'd call her...uh... well, a .... a weed?" he said somewhat sheepishly, an embarrassed grin on his face.
"Ha! Told you!" Mimi cried triumphantly, flipping her pink hair over her shoulder as she did so.
Everyone except for me laughed.
Finally the laughter subsided, and Taichi suggested we get going if we wanted to find Palmon and Gomamon before the turn of the century.
"We can wait! It's only a few more months, Taichi!" Takeru exclaimed.
This brought more laughter.
"Um guys?" I spoke up timidly.
They all turned to look at me, and Taichi said, "Yes, Jyou?"
I wish they would stop looking at me all the time. I was beginning to feel unnerved in the face of their stares.
"Well, um, can you guys wait on me a moment? There's something I need to do before we get going."
"Sure Jyou," Taichi said, looking curious.
Relieved, I hurried off a little way into the bushes and dropped down so no one would see me, then shot up.
I know, I know. I really shouldn't be taking so much smack, especially not around the others, but I seriously can't help myself.
It makes me feel better, and it's the only thing that keeps me from losing my head.
"Jyou?"
"Ah!" I cried, jumping a little. Then I swore as I plunged the needle too deep into my arm. I didn't do it purpose. I was startled.
"Koushiro," I said, frantically trying to pull the needle out of my arm and hide it before he saw it.
It was too late. I could tell he already saw it by the way his eyes got real huge and all sad looking.
"The others got tired of waiting and went on ahead. They left me behind to wait on you," he said quietly, watching as I struggled to pull the needle out of my arm.
There was no need to be discreet. He'd already seen it.
"Shit," I mumble.
Without saying a word, he comes over and helps me in my struggles.
Eventually we manage to get it out. "Thanks," I mutter, rubbing my sore arm.
There is a long moment of awkward silence, then, with both of us thinking about the last time in the Digital World and neither of us knowing what to say.
My mind is desperately screaming for me to speak up and say something to him, anything so I don't have to sit there and look like a fool.
But the silence is stronger than I am, and so we sit without a word spoken.
"How come you're taking that stuff?" Koushiro asks at long last.
I sigh. "It's a long story," I say.
"I've got time," he tells me, laying down on the ground. "And I won't say anything to anyone else if you don't want me to."
I sighed once more, then lay back as well before beginning to tell my story.
"It happened four years ago. I had been coming home from a doctor's appointment around 11:00 pm or so. It was really dark, one of those nights where there seems to be no moon or stars out. I heard strange noises behind me, noises that sounded suspiciously like footsteps. Already feeling very nervous and scared, I started walking faster, anxious to get home. The footsteps behind me also increased their pace. And then I realized there were more than one set of footsteps. Terrified and panicked, I started to run.
"That's when the people following jumped me, held me down, refusing to let me go. I struggled and screamed and kicked, but they were all stronger than me. I was really scared. I thought I was going to die," I confessed, choking back tears as I relived that horrible night. But I forced myself to continue.
"Then one guy, I guess he was the leader of the gang, he started tearing my clothes off of me. I could hear the taunts and laughter all around me. It infuriated me. I renewed my struggle to get free, all to no avail. As the other guys turned me over and held me down, the leader laughed and raped me, over and over, as well as the six other members of the gang. Every time I was on the verge of fainting, they beat me up to the point of wide awake consciousness.
"After that incident, I became very depressed for a long time. I eventually ran away from home. I was gone for a whole year. I got addicted to heroin and all kinds of other drugs, thanks to the people I hung out with. I screwed about anyone I could lay my hands on, guy or girl. I begin to feel very insecure, and in order to prove myself, I started to steal things. I became a male prostitute, selling my body for a cheap price. I was a drug dealer. I'd go out with the gang and beat people up. I robbed stores of their money. About the only things I stayed away from were murder and rape.
"Finally I got busted ripping off a store, and the cops picked me up and took me down to cool for a night in the slammer. I did a lot of thinking that night in jail, and realized a lot of things for the first time. And the next day when they let me go, I returned straight home and started to get counseling. I'm getting better now, but I'm still addicted to the smack. The only other person that knows besides my psychiatrist is Jim, so please don't tell anyone Koushiro. I'm trying, I really am. It's just so hard."
By now I couldn't stop the tears from streaming freely down my face. Ashamed, I wiped them away but more just kept coming, never ending.
Koushiro remained silent beside me.
I wonder what he's thinking.
Then my eyes open wide in shock as I feel a pair of warm soft lips on mine.
Koushiro's kissing me!
Again!
I respond eagerly, kissing him with fierce abandon, parting my lips slightly as he slides his tongue inside my mouth.
Our hands are all over each other now, touching, exploring.
Barely able to control myself, I yank Koushiro's shirt over his head, ripping it in the process. He grunts but doesn't say anything about it, instead just pulls my own shirt off as well.
It doesn't take long before we our fully unclothed.
I continue kissing him deeply, then trail kisses down his jaw, neck, stomach, stopping just before I get to that part of his body that is craving for attention.
He groans when my mouth leaves his body, but doesn't have time to protest as I twist him around and begin to enter him slowly and with as little pain as possible.
He buries his head in my shoulder, muffling a scream as my erection stretches him. I suppose I should have taken the time to stretch him out gradually with my fingers at first, especially considering I couldn't use lubricant, but I was just too eager.
Once I am fully sheathed, I lay on top of him as he pants heavily, trying to get used to the pain.
Trying to comfort him, I apply gentle kisses all over his body, hoping to take his mind off the pain. Then I start to thrust into him, slow at first but picking up the pace when he hisses at me to go faster, moaning at the pleasure I'm giving him.
Reaching around, I take his straining sex into my hand and began to stroke him, helping him along to his climax. He shivers uncontrollably under my touch, all the while moaning, "Oh God..."
I let out a throaty laugh. "Jyou will be just fine, thanks." I say, making a rare joke.
Suddenly he explodes, cum going all over my hand, his stomach, the grass.
It's not long before my own violent orgasm, my seed released deep inside his body.
With a loud groan, I slowly pull out of Koushiro and flop down on the grass beside him.
Pretty soon we're both fast asleep.
When I wake a few hours later, Koushiro and his clothes are gone. I sit up slowly, disoriented, blinking sleepily.
Then I look around."
"....Koushiro?" I ask timidly.
Where did he go? Why did he leave me?
"Ko-Koushiro?" I try again.
No answer.
A few tears slide down my face as I realize he really did leave me.
Trying to ignore my heavy heart and the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, I crawl over to my clothes and dress slowly.
Then I grab a clean needle out of my backpack and inject myself with some more smack.
I know I shouldn't, but no one except you is going to find out, and you're just a voice in my head, so you don't matter.
Stop telling me it's wrong.
I know it is, but what do you expect? Koushiro had sex with me and then just disappeared.
Of course I'm going to take the heroin.
Just then I hear a voice.
Unless that's you I hear.
"Jyou?"
Guess not.
I turn.
Taichi is staring at me.
I don't say anything, just stare as tears continue to roll down my cheeks.
The needle is clutched tightly in my hand.
"Jyou?" Taichi asks again, then takes a step towards me. He gasps as his eyes focus on the needle in my hand.
"Jyou, where did you get that knife?"
Knife? I frown in confusion. What knife?
Then I realize. I hold out my hand, showing him the needle. "It's not a knife, see? It's just a needle."
"Oh." He sighs, then walks over to me. "Jyou, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
I shrug, not wanting to tell him about Koushiro. "Nothing's wrong," I tell him.
He gives me a Look.
"Yeah right. You're crying and holding a needle of some sort in your hand. Something's wrong, Jyou. What is it?"
"I told you Taichi, nothing's wrong!" I snap.
He looks hurt, but curtly replies, "God, fine, sorry, I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to be concerned about you." Then he glances down at my hand. "What's that needle for?" he asks me.
I flush and thrust the needle into my backpack. "Oh this? Uh, um, oh, I-it's nothing, really!"
He rolled his eyes but didn't say anything, knowing I wasn't going to tell him. Instead he mentioned that it was past noon, the others had been worried about me and we should head back to them.
I listened to him, confused. Didn't Koushiro tell them he had been with me?
No, of course not, another small voice in my head spoke up. Why would he tell everyone he had been with you when he didn't come back with you?
And worse, why would he want to when they would all ask why we had been gone so long?
Did I really think Koushiro would admit to having sex with me?
I don't understand how I am so stupid sometimes.
But anyways, I simply nod to Taichi and start following him back to where the others had settled.
When we get there, Mimi rushes to me with a worried look on her face.
"Jyou!" she cried. "Where were you? I was so worried!"
"Nowhere," I mutter, pretending to stare at my feet. In reality, I was really sneaking glances at Koushiro.
He was working intently on his laptop, not caring to show whether or not he was glad I had finally showed up. Then just as I was about to give up and stare at my feet for real, he casts his eyes sideways towards me.
Our eyes lock.
We continue to stare silently at each other for several long moments while the others voice their concern for me.
I could care less.
All I can think about right now is Koushiro.
Why did he kiss me?
Why did he let me take him?
Why, and this was perhaps the most important why of all, why had he abandoned me?
I mean, I've always known that I've -well, you know-for a long time, subconsciously if not consciously. I've felt like that almost since I met him.
Oh, I didn't l-l-*love* him. Not at first anyways. That took a long time for me to feel like that.
But I had always admired and looked up to him. He was just so smart and cool and he always seemed to remain calm. You could always count on him to provide the rest of us with information that could help us in battle.
Not that he couldn't help either.
In fact, I'd always considered him and Tentomon to be one of the strongest and bravest fighters out of the Chosen.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. That Taichi or Yamato were a whole lot stronger than Koushiro ever was, but it's not true, really.
Yamato is just too easily controlled by the Darkness. He isn't strong enough to always resist it. And Taichi's-well, Taichi is Taichi. He's too bold and rash in his decisions. It would be easy for him to make a mistake.
As for the others; Sora, Mimi, Hikari, Takeru. Well, they're all strong in their own ways, but they don't come close to matching Koushiro. Sora and Mimi are both too easily controlled by their emotions, and Hikari and Takeru were both too young at the time to be able to be considered strong fighters.
Just so you know, I don't mean physical fighters, I mean like mentally.
Tonikaku, back to Koushiro.
I don't think I actually felt strongly about him until that incident four years ago. I don't want to admit it, but the whole time I was being raped, the only thought running through my mind was 'Koushiro, I'm sorry'. Isn't that bad? I didn't even know what I was sorry about. I just was.
I felt like I had betrayed him or something.
Besides, he *did* kiss me when we were leaving the Digital World.
"Jyou?"
I look up, distracted out of my brooding, and realize Takeru is staring into my face. I wonder how long I had been standing there. "Huh?" I managed.
I sneak a peek over at Koushiro and notice he is no longer looking at me, but is instead studying his hands. The expression on his face is blank, not revealing his thoughts.
Mentally I curse, wanting to know what he's thinking. Somehow I don't think it's how much he enjoyed the time with me.
I need the smack.
I suddenly realize Takeru is still talking to me.
"Sorry, what did you say?" I ask him sheepishly.
He lets out an exasperated sigh. "For the third time, I asked you if you really want to stay in the Digital World until late tonight. You don't seem to be having a good time."
"I don't?"
Of course I'm not. But I can't hurt Takeru's feelings.
I mean, what kind of a friend would I be if I told him how miserable this trip is making me?
Not much of one, that's for sure.
Although I'm not that much better of a friend to the Chosen right now anyways.
"He's gone again," Takeru sighed.
"I am not!" I protested, catching that comment. "I just got caught up in the moment, that's all!"
"What moment?"
Yamato grinned, and I knew I wasn't going to like he was about to say.
"I bet you were thinking about having sex with that girlfriend you don't have," he joked.
"For the last time, I don't have a fucking girlfriend!" I screamed at him. "I'm gay, I don't even like girls! So just leave me the hell alone!"
They were all staring at me in shock.
At first I didn't know why, I hadn't realized I had just accidentally come out to them.
Then I went back over the words I had just said and it hit me.
"Oh shit..."
Backing away from them, my eyes wide, I fumbled for my backpack behind me. Once I had it, I tore out of that clearing like my life depending on it.
Then a few feet away I stopped, even though I was still within their seeing range, and practically ripped my backpack open, yanking out yet another needle and hastily shooting up.
(I don't even want to tell you how much heroin I brought with me.)
Not like it matters now.
Already I am feeling calm, peaceful.
What was I so upset about hours ago?
Or was it hours?
My mind tells me it was a lifetime ago, but I get the impression it was minutes....no, hours....maybe it was days?
But that can't be right, can it? ....Or.... can it.....not..... I don't know... what's going on?
I feel.... wrong, somehow... Koushiro.... something ... happened ... about him... it made me upset..... or did it? ..I think it did. Maybe not.
Oh God, I feel wrong.
I'm flying.
Through the air.
The ground is rushing towards me.
I wonder why.
It's very fast.
Maybe I'm not flying.
I'm falling.
Everything is black.
It's still black.
No, wait.
There's a tiny prick of light.
It's at the end of the tunnel.
But when did I end up in a tunnel?
I don't know.
I want to leave.
It's too dark.
I must head towards the opening of the tunnel.
There's light there.
And it's warmer as I'm getting nearer.
I hear voices.
Are they waiting for me at the end of this dark, damp place?
Is .....
Koushiro....
Is he waiting for me?
But why do I care?
Why should I want him to be there?
I think.... something happened.
Between us.
Between me and Koushiro.
Something good.
But then he hurt me.
How?
I don't remember.
Don't think about it.
Just head towards the light.
The light is my savior.
"Jyou?"
"Oh thank God, he's waking!"
"Jyou, you're awake!"
"Huh?" I mutter groggily, trying to sit up.
It doesn't work.
A feeling of dizziness overtakes me, and I cry out, leaning back in my bed again.
Wait, this isn't my bed. I don't remember having white sheets.
Where am I?
"Jyou?"
Someone is leaning over me. I can see their face. It's blurry, but yet it's somehow familiar. I know I have seen it before, but where?
"Jyou, it's me, Dr. Kaos. Can you hear me?"
"Dr. ... Kaos?" I mutter, wincing as the pounding in my head seems to intensify.
"Jyou?"
"What happened?" I asked. I don't remember. My mind is a blank.
"You overdosed," Dr. Kaos told me gently. "Luckily your friends were there to save you."
"Overdosed?" I was confused. "Overdosed on what?" I don't take drugs, do I?
"Heroin."
"Oh," I started to say calmly. Then the full impact of what Dr. Kaos was saying hit me.
"What?" I yelped. "You mean I almost killed myself with a overdose of heroin?!"
He just gave me a strange look. I think he was saying something else, but I couldn't hear him. I was overwhelmed with a dizzy feeling. But it was different. The world wasn't spinning around me or anything. Rather, I felt like I was swaying.1 And what made it worse was that I was already laying down, so doing that wouldn't make it go away. I feared I would faint any minute. Dr. Kaos was still speaking, but that no longer mattered. He was just a voice in the distance. The only thing I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears. My head was pounding, as if one of you voices grew feet and decided to up and run a mile or two.
Then, surprisingly, the feeling passed, and Dr. Kaos was leaning over me, the worry on his face quite visible.
"Jyou? Are you okay? What happened?" he questioned me.
"I....I don't feel so well," I mumbled, right before everything went gray.
When I woke next, the room seemed to be dark. I looked over at where I remembered seeing a window last. The curtains were drawn, but I could tell outside the sky was black.
I glanced around. Dr. Kaos was nowhere in sight, but over on one of the hardbacked hospital chairs, I spotted Koushiro sleeping fitfully, drying tear tracks on his cheeks. He was tossing and turning under a blanket I assume a nurse brought him, and every once in awhile he'd mutter something unintelligible.
I felt tears begin to gather in my eyes, and I wiped them away, not wanting to cry right now. I had a feeling there would be plenty of time for that later.
But still, I was touched. As hard as he tried not to show it, Koushiro obviously cared for me. That much was evident in the fact that he was sleeping on an impossible hospital chair in my room right now, not to mention the tears on his cheeks.
I wondered how he reacted when I had overdosed today. Or was it yesterday? I don't even know right now. And I don't really care right now. All I know is that I want to kick myself right about now.
I was completely stupid in front of everybody. Not only did I let them know I was -was... well, you know! -but I also showed them that I'm nothing except a hopeless druggie, endlessly addicted to smack. And then I had almost killed myself. Jyou no baka. How could I have done that? Especially to Koushiro. I don't even want to think how much I must have hurt him today.
But he hurt you too, that second voice in my head said. Remember? He left you right after you had sex with him. Would someone that really cares about you do that to you?
Yes! He does too care about me! And we didn't just have sex. We made love! There's a difference!
If he cares about you, he wouldn't have left you all alone, then ignored you later on.
No! That's not true! He cares about me, I know he does. He was probably just confused before.
Sure, Jyou. He was confused. That's all.
But it was, I protested weakly. That's all it was.
"Allright Jyou, tell me what happened." Dr. Kaos said gently.
It's three days later, I'm at Dr. Kaos's office for an emergency counseling session, and I was just released from hell a few hours ago.
Koushiro stayed there all that time, but he never spoke to me. I didn't speak to him either.
I was too scared.
I'm such a fucking pansy.
"Jyou?" Dr. Kaos persisted.
I looked up. "Huh?"
"I said, tell me what happened. What caused you to overdose?"
"The fact that I was taking the smack almost constantly all day until I OD'd and almost died."
"Allright.... that's a start. But if you want to get anywhere in stopping this addiction, you might want to start from the beginning."
I sighed. "Do I have to?"
"Yes, Jyou."
"Aw man," I whined. I sighed again. I paused for a moment. "I don't know how to begin," I said truthfully.
"Why don't we start with that morning?"
"Because it goes back waaaaaa~aaay before that," I told him. "I suppose it really began when I was twelve. That year, I went to a summer camp. While I was there, I met these six other kids. Yagami Taichi, 11, Ishida Yamato, 11, Takaishi Takeru, 8, Takenouchi Sora, 11, Tachikawa Mimi, 10, and Izumi Koushiro, 10." My voice had a tender quality to it when I mentioned Koushiro, and Dr. Kaos picked up on it.
"You have special feelings for this boy Koushiro, do you not?"
I nodded, bright red. "Yes. I can't ever admit it to myself but I do lo- you know. I can't say it. I never have been able to. Not even in my head."
"You love him?" he asked quietly.
I nodded again. "Yes."
"Allright, go on."
"Okay." I then went on to explain briefly to him about the Digital World.
"I see," he said when I finished. "So you were one of the kids that saved the Earth six years ago. I remember when that happened."
"Yeah," I told him. "But then, when it was over, I never saw the rest of the seven others anymore. They were all wrapped up in their own lives and each other to remember about me. Even Koushiro, who had kissed me the last few moments we were together in the Digital World, seemed to have forgotten about me.
"But I never forgot about him. I seemed to spend more and more time thinking about him. It was like I was obsessed with him. The less I saw of him, the more of him I craved. He was in my thoughts during the day and in my dreams at night. He never left my mind.
"Then four years ago I got raped-you know the story, after all, it's how I met you-and I knew then just how much I cared for Koushiro because all through the ordeal, all I thought of was him.
"Anyways, to the present as of a few days ago. Well, actually, it was the same day I had my last appointment with you," I said. "I had just gotten home in time to answer the phone.
"It was Yamato who called. He invited me to a get together with all the Chosen. We were gonna spend the whole day in the Digital World. I agreed after a bit, kinda anxious about the prospect of seeing Koushiro again."
"Why were you nervous about seeing Koushiro?" Dr. Kaos interrupted me.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Because," I said. "I hadn't seen him in six years, and the last time we were together, he kissed me. I didn't know what he meant by that or how he may have felt about me or why he never attempted to keep in touch with me."
"Had it ever occurred to you to try to contact him?" he asked me.
"I was too afraid," I confessed, bowing my head. "I couldn't bring myself to face him. And after I was raped and ran off and got in so much trouble, ..well then, I was just ashamed. A lot of people at school knew about it, and I'm sure he did too. Of course, it turns out that he didn't, but at the time, I didn't know that."
"I see. Well, let's go to the Digital World. What happened after you met your friends that day?"
"Well, everyone said they were glad to see me, and Yamato teased me about having a girlfriend. That's because when he called the other day, I had been running, and when I answered the phone, I was breathless, so he thought I had been doing something with a girl."
"Did this upset you?"
"Very much. I was already nervous about being around Koushiro, and the fact that Yamato wouldn't shut up about my non existent girlfriend combined with the fact that Koushiro hadn't said anything to me did nothing to relieve my anxiety.
"Tonikaku, after I had greeted everybody, we went to the Digital World. Almost as soon as we got there I shot up. I was very stressed out, and I didn't want to deal with it. Then a short while later, we went to meet up with Mimi, who had to get from the Digital World from New York. Well, we met her okay and everything, but I had a craving for heroin again, so I asked everybody to wait a minute, then went in to the bushes and shot up again.
"Then Koushiro showed up. He startled me, and I got the needle a little to deep. After struggling in vain, Koushiro came over and helped me get it out. Then...." I paused, remembering those moments.
I don't think I'll ever forget them. That sad, scared look in Koushiro's eyes.... it tore my heart to pieces. I felt so bad because I knew that I had somehow hurt him. Like I had failed him.
"Then?" Dr. Kaos prompted.
I let out a sigh. "Then he asked me why I was taking the heroin. So I told him. That whole sorry story, I told him every bit. Afterwards..." I blushed. This was the embarrassing part, but as it led up to why I overdosed, I couldn't leave it out.
"Afterwards, I was crying, and I had my eyes closed, wondering what Koushiro was thinking since he wasn't saying anything.
"And that's when he kissed me.
"I kissed him back, and one thing just led to another. We couldn't seem to stop, it was just like-I don't know- it's just" I shrugged helplessly, embarrassed and at a loss for words.
"So what are you saying Jyou?" Dr. Kaos asked me. "Did you simply make out or did you have sex with him?"
"The latter."
I was blushing profusely by now.
"So you had sex with him," he stated, as if to make sure.
I nodded my head up and down. "When it was over, we both just kind of drifted off to sleep, but when I woke up later, he was gone, and so were his clothes. Taichi found me there, however, while I was injecting myself with some more smack. He didn't ask, though, and I didn't offer. Instead, we just went back to where the others were. The others all asked me stuff like where was I and everything, but I don't recall really answering them. I just remember thinking about Koushiro, and Takeru making some comment about me not listening. Then Yamato made another joke about me having sex with that girlfriend, and I think I totally lost it. I'm not really sure, things are hazy here," I told him uncertainly, mouth twisted in concentration.
"I don't know exactly what happened, but I know I yelled at Yamato. I yelled something about stop saying that, I don't have a girlfriend, I'm gay, and after that...... I think I ran.
"I don't believe I got very far though. I can remember stopping, and fumbling with my backpack, trying to get another needle out with everybody staring at me.... I managed to shoot up, I think. No, I must have, because then everything was so strange to me. I felt like I was falling, or something. The ground suddenly seemed a lot closer... everything was dark... someone put me in a tunnel.. there was light at the end. I went towards it..
"Then I woke up and I was in the hospital with you standing over me. I don't know how I got to there, or who found me in the tunnel, or how I got out, or even out of the tunnel. I just remember being in a dark tunnel."
"Jyou?" a tentative voice came.
I looked up. Mimi was standing in the doorway to my bedroom. I was home alone, so I wondered how she got in. Then I realized Jim had probably gone off and left the door unlocked again.
"Can I come in?" she asked, looking timid.
"Sure," I sighed, gesturing to my bed. "Come on in."
"Thanks." She walked in, shutting the door behind her, and sat on my bed.
"So what's up?" I asked her after a moment of silence.
She fidgeted uncomfortably for a few minutes, but finally came out with it. "Jyou, what's going on between you and Koushiro?"
I jumped a mile high, I swear I did.
"Nothing's going on between us," I told her nervously. "Why do you ask?"
She glared at me. "Liar. I saw the way you two were around each other in the Digital World, and I also saw how he acted when you overdosed. He totally freaked out, crying and yelling your name. Then he wouldn't ever leave the hospital, not even after you woke. But he wouldn't speak to you. Why? What's going on?" Then she said something else in English I couldn't understand, but I didn't bother to ask about it.
I was too busy thinking about Koushiro.
I don't understand him. Does he like me or not? Because he keeps kissing me, he let me make love to him, he freaked out when I overdosed, he stayed by my side in the hospital, but he won't hardly ever speak to me.
"Jyou?"
"I-I don't know," I said truthfully. "I think he likes me, but I'm not sure. I'm getting mixed emotions from him."
"Well do you like him?"
"Yes," I whisphered. "I like him a lot. But I'm too afraid to tell him. I'm too afraid of being rejected."
"Jyou? Jyou, don't leave me! Please! I'm sorry! Please, come back...Jyou..."
I'm running, ignoring him. My feet pound loudly on the asphalt, echoing in the empty alleyway.
I sneak a glance behind me, back at Koushiro. He's standing in the doorway to his apartment, crying. Even from this distance, I can see the tears glistening on his cheeks. As I watch, he turns and goes back into the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
I run on blindly, crying, ignoring the constricting feeling in my chest, trying not to imagine a string being wrapped tightly around my heart, then being pulled as hard it can. That's about how I feel.
Suddenly I let out a cry as I bump into someone standing directly in front of me.
I am knocked to my feet from the force of the impact, and around me I can hear a bunch of guys laughing.
"Well, well, well. Lookit what we got here. Fresh meat."
I stare up at six hulking guys, terrified out of my mind. Their clean shaven heads and mean looking tattoos scare me, but not as much as what I spot in their hands.
Knives.
As I continue to stare at them, terrified, one guy reaches down and grabs me by the crotch and shoulder, hoisting me up off the ground. He turns me round, studying me.
I struggle to get free, but he is hitting me now. I find myself back on the ground. All the guys are beating on me.
All of a sudden my pants are yanked off of me.
Roughly I am flipped over.
I start to scream, knowing what is coming, begging for him to stop....
He's entering me...no...I scream and scream...please stop....Koushiro, I'm sorry...
"Jyou! Wake up Jyou! Stop screaming!"
"No!" I scream, thrashing my arms about wildly. "No stop! Don't hurt me! Don't do this! Please don't!"
"Jyou!" someone yells, shaking me.
I squint at the face looming over my own.
"....Jim?" I ask hesitantly.
"Jyou, thank God!" Jim exclaims. "You were having a nightmare."
"A... nightmare?" I mutter, sitting up in confusion.
He nodded, relieved to see I was allright. "Yeah. It must have been real bad, the way you were screaming. I was worried about you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah.... yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry about it Jim."
"Allright." Then he left.
After he was gone, I sat there thinking about it.
That nightmare had seemed so real. It always did. There was nothing unusual about this reoccurring nightmare, except for one thing.
Koushiro....
Why had he shown up in my dream? That had never happened before.
And why was he yelling for me to come back?
Why had I run from him? What was he apologizing for?
This is all so confusing.
"Jim?" I call.
He appears in the doorway immediately. "Yeah?"
"C-Can I talk to you?"
His face takes on a concerned look, and he comes over and sits on my bed again.
Suddenly I have reverted back to a scared and confused thirteen year old....
"Jim?"
"Yeah, Jyou?"
"What if you like someone a whole lot but don't know how to tell them because you don't know how they feel about you?"
"Err... I guess.. you'd try to figure out how they felt about you like looking for little hints, or maybe experimenting a little. Like, try sitting closer to her than you normally do, or maybe invite her to the movies and then hold her hand or something. And if she doesn't seem to mind, tell her how you feel and hopefully she'll like you back."
I nodded. "But what if it's a guy?"
"Err.." his new favorite phrase. "A guy?"
"It's just hypothetical." That was a lie. But I had to reassure him somehow.
I sensed him relax slightly.
"I guess.... the same things. Why do you ask?"
"Well.... there's this person I know. I met them at summer camp, and while we were on that Digital adventure two years ago, we became really close. Then, when it was over, I got kissed. By this person. And since then, I haven't seen the person or talked to the person since."
"Well do you like this person?"
"I don't know!" I wailed. "I thought I did, but I haven't seem them in a year, and I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
"I mean, I'm so confused!"
"Why?"
Point blank.
"Because, this person is... well, this person....this person would not be under what's considered normal persuasion."
"In other words, this person's a guy and you're not sure whether you're really gay and that you like him, or if you just miss his friendship because you haven't seen him in a year. Am I right?"
"Err..." Now it was my phrase.
"Well, what do you feel when your around him?"
"Err..." Us Kido brothers should make this a trademark phrase. "Well.. when I first met and I was around him, it was weird. I was happy, at peace being around him. I admired him like crazy. Then everything changed. This girl Mimi, she liked me, liked being around me and everything. I thought I would be happy, finally someone liked me. But instead of wanting to be around her, I found myself trying to avoid her. I'd make up excuses. Lot of the times I'd go hang with Koushiro, which is who I think I like. Then it got... strange. Being around Koushiro, I mean. I'd feel nervous and slightly nauseous, as if I was always on the verge of throwing up. I never knew what to say around him anymore, my tongue was tied in knots along with my stomach. I'd feel so fluttery and giddy around him. It scared me. Then I realized it for what it was. And all during our time in the Digital World, I'd pick up little ... hints.. from him. The very last day before we returned to earth, the last day I saw him a year ago, he.. he kissed me. Then he never saw me since."
I can remember that day so clearly, every little minute detail. The way I had been hunched up on the bed, wanting to cry but for some reason not being able to, the way the blankets had been stretched tightly over the bed because Mom had put them on not two days ago. How Jim had walked by my room and seen me sitting perfectly still on my bed, eyes glazed over as if I had been a thousand miles away. How I had jumped when he spoke my name. Every little aspect of that day was engraved on my brain, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.
And now here I am again, sitting on my bed with Jim next to me, about to bare my soul.
Oh shit.
I just realized.
Jim's still looking at me expectantly.
I forgot all about him.
It's the damn medicine. Sometimes it causes my mind to drift.
One of these days I'm gonna flush the damn things down the toilet.
I certainly won't miss them.
Oh hell, here I go wandering off track again.
First things first, answer my brother.
"Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"Sorry about that. I kinda drifted."
"I understand. Now, something you wanted to talk to me about?"
I nodded hesitantly. "Hai. It-It's about Koushiro."
He nodded knowingly.
Forever the understanding brother, laugh out loud.
Like it's really all that funny.
Sometimes I wonder about myself.
"Did something happen between you and Koushiro?" he asked me.
"Sorta..." I confessed, then nervously went on to tell him everything that happened since Yamato had called me that day, ending with the nightmare that had forced him to wake me up.
When I finally shut up, I looked at him expectantly.
Nervously too.
I mean, he's know I'm ..of the other persuasion for four years now, but I've never really known how he's felt about it.
I have no idea how he'll react to me and Koushiro having sex.
Lucky for me he takes it well enough, although that could just be an act. Of course, he doesn't really have anything to say. I'm okay with it though. I was mostly just looking for a sympathetic ear, and Jim just happened to be my scapegoat. I'm just glad he doesn't have a problem with my sexual preferences, because otherwise I wouldn't have a sympathetic ear.
Unless of course, he's pretending to be okay with it. I don't entirely trust him. I guess I haven't really trusted him in a long time. I haven't trusted anybody. After I was raped, trust became less of a belief and more of just another meaningless word. It's sad, but I can't help it. I've just learned to trust no one, that's all.
Two days after the nightmare, and I'm still a wreck. I can't figure out that thing with Koushiro. Why had I run from him? I don't recall ever seeing him the same night I got raped. In fact, I don't remember seeing him anytime after the Digital World, except maybe in brief passing.
God it's getting on my nerves!! Why can't I figure it out? If it really happened, I should be able to remember it.
And since I can't, that means it's just a dream.
Right?
Damn medicine. Curses. I really despise my life.
Suddenly my stereo switched to the next CD, and I jumped, startled. Yamato's voice started singing.
"Totsuzen yatte kuru shoutai..."
I recognized the song right away. It was Tobira, the song he had did with his band about three years ago. I don't know why I had bought the CD when it came out. I hadn't talked to Yamato in three years. But I liked the song. I felt like I could relate to it somewhat. It reminded me of my own song, the one I had made up when I had been really down a few years back.
"....hashiridasou dare no tame demo naku tomaretteru yori mashi dakara
"Toumei na kuuki kirisaite mabushii ano umi ni mukatte
"Oh keep on running keep on running
"Find out your reality
"Atarashii tobira no mae de gusugusu shiteru hima wa nai
"Josou tsukete tobidasou ze sono tobira keriagete
"kimi datte kitto dekira
"kitto tadoritsukeru kara..."
Yamato's song ended, and I stopped the stereo and opened the disc changer. Then I went to a little hidden compartment on the headboard of my bed and took out a CD case. Inside was the CD I had paid money to record at a studio with my song on it.
I put it in the disc changer and closed it, then started the song.
"Wakattetan da ki zuiteta yo <---I knew, I'd realized
"Honto ni yaritai koto <---What it was I really wanted to do
"Demo, megane no ushiro ni <---But I hid
"Nige konde ita <---Behind my glasses
"Kekka ga wakatte iru no ni <---If you know what the outcome will be
"Doushite yarun darou? <---Then why bother?
"Sou omotteta kedo <---That's what I used to think
"Jibun no te de kaerareru koto wa <---There are plenty of things
"Takusan arun da yo~o" <---That you can change yourself
Just then Mom knocked on the door.
"What?" I yelled irritably, pausing my song. Just when I was starting to get into the song and forget about Koushiro and that stupid dream.....
"Jyou! Phone!"
That's funny.
I don't remember hearing the phone ring.
It's the damn medicine again. I told you it screws with my senses.
"Who is it?" I yelled back.
"I don't know, some boy!"
Some boy?
I could feel my heart jump to my mouth.
Koushiro?
In nervous anticipation, I leaned over and picked up the extension in my room, clumsily falling off my bed with a loud THUD! in the process.
"Hello?" I said impatiently.
"Um... Jyou?"
It was Yamato's voice.
Automatically my heart took a suicidal plunge back down my windpipe and in to my stomach.
"Oh, hey... Yamato."
"Hey. Um.. listen... well.."
He sounded uncomfortable, and I knew why.
"Um... I need to talk to you.."
"Err..." I said, making use of an old phrase. "Now?"
"Yeah, if that's okay with you. Um... can you come over to my apartment? My Dad is on a -uh- a business trip, so he's not here right now."
"Err... I guess so. I'll let my mom know, and I'll be right over...er, okay?"
"Um.. yeah, sure. So, um, see you then?"
"Yeah. Well, uh, bai."
"Yeah, bai." He hung up.
I sighed, hanging up my own phone, then switching it over to my own line.
"Mom, I'm going out for a bit, allright?" I called to her.
"Allright. Be careful. Bai."
And that was that.
She didn't even care to ask where I was going and whether I would be okay.
Although, it's not like she really has that much reason to worry about me.
I had never told I got raped, or all that shit I was mixed up when I ran away, or that I take heroin.
She still doesn't know I overdosed.
Hell, she doesn't even know I see a psychiatrist.
But it's not because she doesn't care for me. It's just because I don't want her to know, that's all. I mean, why worry her unnecessarily?
When Yamato let me in, he still sounded incredibly uncomfortable. He was visibly nervous too. I bet not many people besides Taichi really got to see him like this.
Anyways, to make a long story short, he invited me in, offered me a drink which I declined, told me to sit down on the couch, and got right to the point.
"Jyou, um, listen, uh... I just, -well, see, I just wanted to um-"
Okay, maybe not right to the point. Allright, nowhere near the point at all.
"What I wanted to say was uh.. well, you see... I-" then he stops, takes a deep breath, and speaks again. "Jyou, I wanted to say I'm sorry."
I stared, in nothing short of shock.
After a long while, I smiled.
I mean, I really smiled.
It wasn't one of those fake, yes I'll pretend to be okay for your sake but I'm really not smiles, and it wasn't one of those I know I'm supposed to so I might as well less I be deemed an inconsiderate asshole smiles.
It was a real, genuine, honest-to-god smile.
"Why are you sorry, Yamato?" I asked him softly. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
He looked surprised. "Sure I do. All that time I kept saying those things about you and some girl and I didn't even know-didn't suspect- that you were gay. I mean, hell, if I'da known, I wouldn't have teased you like that. So I'm sorry for everything I said."
"Well, apology accepted, even though I don't think I deserve it. I overreacted, got more upset because I was hurt about something else. But thank you anyways."
He smiled back at me, and in that moment we were friends again.
Please go to this entry to finish reading. Sorry for the inconvenience.