Departure (The Rest)
Koushiro never speaks to him anymore. Something caused a rift between them, but why can't Jou remember it? [Joushiro, drug use, allusions to rape]
Digimon - NC-17 - English - Angst/Romance - Review: 4 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 19563 - Updated: 12-03-01 - Published: 12-03-01
first part
"JYOU! Come back! Jyou? Jyou, don't leave me! Please! I'm sorry! Please, come back...Jyou..."
Once again I'm running. And once again, I'm ignoring him. I run on until I come to the empty alleyway.
I snuck a glance behind me, back at Koushiro, as I ran. He was standing in the doorway to his apartment, crying, just like the first time. I could still see the tears glistening on his cheeks from the distance. But then he turned and went back into the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
The painful feelings in my heart are there. Everything is happening all over again, just like the first time.
Suddenly I let out a cry as I bump into someone standing directly in front of me.
I am knocked to my feet from the force of the impact, and around me I can hear a bunch of guys laughing.
"Well, well, well. Lookit what we got here. Fresh meat."
I stare up at six hulking guys, terrified out of my mind. Their clean shaven heads and mean looking tattoos scare me, but not as much as what I spot in their hands.
Knives.
However, that's not the worst. I recognize these guys and I remember this scene. I know what's going to happen next.
As I continue to stare at them, terrified, one guy reaches down and grabs me by the crotch and shoulder, hoisting me up off the ground. He turns me round, studying me.
I struggle to get free, but he is hitting me now. I find myself back on the ground. All the guys are beating on me.
All of a sudden my pants are yanked off of me.
Roughly I am flipped over.
I start to scream, knowing what is coming, begging for him to stop....
He's entering me...no...I scream and scream...please stop....Koushiro, I'm sorry...
Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?
I can't... remember....
I'm still screaming....
"Jyou? Jyou, are you okay man! Hey, snap out of it! What's wrong man! JYOU!!!"
"...Ya-ma-to?" I say slowly, enunciating each syllable.
"Jyou, thank God! You scared me to death! What in hell was that?"
I didn't answer him, just sat there and stared off into space.
Once again, I had the same nightmare. Me running from Koushiro into the dark alley, getting raped by that gang....
But why had I run from him in the first place? What had we said or done before I ran? Why can't I remember?
"Jyou? Jyou, don't tune out on me!" Yamato warned.
I looked over at him blankly. "Huh?"
He sighed. "Jyou! Just.. pay attention to me ok? Don't fall asleep again."
"I fell asleep?" I asked him, confused.
~Well duh stupid. How else do you think you had that nightmare?~ a little voice in my head said. I think it was Fred said it. I'm not sure. The voice I named Fred and the voice I named George sounded a lot alike. I think they're cousins. And they're Americans. Hence the American names.
"Well, excuse me for forgetting!" I shot back at Fred. "But I had more pressing matters at the moment, such as analyzing the nightmare!"
~hmph.~ Fred pouted. ~Nobody said you had to analyze that stupid dream.~
"Yeah? Well I said it."
"Yeah, you fell asleep while we were talking," Yamato said, completely unawares of the argument I was having with Fred within my mind. "I didn't want to disturb you, you looked exhausted and I thought you could use the sleep. Until you started screaming of course," he added, eyes twinkling. "Then I figured you might want to be woken."
"Uh.. thanks," I said.
~Fine. Ignore me then.~ Fred said huffily. ~See if I ever talk to you again.~
"You think that would bother me? Hell I'd be glad if you left me alone!"
~you say that now.~
"Whatever," I said, but Fred had apparently gone back to sleep, because I got no answer.
"So what scared you so bad?" Yamato inquired cheerfully, probably planning to tease me a little.
He definitely is the same Yamato I knew six years ago. That Yamato was quiet and depressed looking. This Yamato is cheerful and outgoing.
But I wasn't about to tell him about my nightmare.
"It's none of your business," I said, a little more harshly than I meant to.
"Hey, sorry," he said, hurt welling up in his eyes. "I was just asking. I didn't mean to upset you."
Great. We just became friends again and I'm already mad at him.
I sighed. "Sorry, I didn't mean that. The dream just upset me some, that's all."
Lie. I lie. That's not all. But it's all he needs to know.
"Hey, it's okay. I used to have nightmares too. I understand if you don't want to talk about them," he said softly.
"Uh.. thanks," I said surprised. How many sides does this guy have to him? "Well, look, I gotta be going. I don't want my mom to worry or anything."
"Sure. No problem. Bai Jyou!"
"Bai Yamato!" I called back as I left.
God he confuses me. He's got such an interesting personality. I'm seeing parts of him that were never brought out when we were in the Digital World years ago.
Actually, now that I think about, all the Chosen seemed to have changed. Koushiro the most. Well, next to me.
Koushiro.
I can't even think about him without feeling pain.
I don't even know where I stand with him anymore! At the very first, he was a friend. Then he was a guy who seemed to return my feelings. Then we were separated for six years. And everything changed. He's so damned confusing! Like hot and cold running water, that's how his feelings for me seem to be. One minute he acts like he loves me, the next he hates me.
WHERE DO WE STAND??
I need some more smack.
"Jyou?" Jim's voice called through my closed bedroom door.
Shit!
My eyes widen in panic. Quickly I finish up with the heroin and pull the needle back out. But I'm not quick enough. Before I get a chance to hide the damn thing, Jim's done opened the door and walked in my bedroom.
"Uh, Jim, what are you doing here?" I asked nervously, bringing my arm inconspicuously behind my back.
Jim narrows his eyes at me. "I thought you said you weren't taking the smack anymore," he accused.
I stared at the bed. "I never said that. I just said I'd try."
"Oh? And just how well have you tried?"
"The best I can! It's hard Jim! Get off my case about it!" I shouted angrily. "What do you want anyways?"
Jim glared at me. "Why should I tell you? You're gonna treat me like that."
"Jim just tell me," I told him exasperatedly.
God, why did he have to go to college here? Why couldn't he go somewhere else? I wouldn't care where, just as long as he was far enough away to live in a dorm.
Damn my parents. It's their cheap ways that is the cause of Jim's presence here.
"I don't want to," Jim said stubbornly, making me remember there was a reason I was mad at him.
"Jim dammit!" I cried. "You came in here and interrupted me so you better damn well tell me!"
He let out a hmph. "Fine," he said, crossing his arms across his chest and pouting, as if he was some three year old instead of an adult. "I just came to tell you that Koushiro stopped by earlier, looking for you."
"He did?!" I spluttered. "And I've been home for thirty minutes and you're just now telling me?!"
"Yeah..."
"Bastard! You know how much I like Koushiro!"
Jim shrugged, apparently not caring. "Sorry," he said indifferently.
Gah! I could kill him! Oh, I hope Koushiro's not mad at me or anything.
God, the one time he actually chances to talk to me, and I'm not even home!
Curse the fates.
Without another word (but not without a dirty glance thrown over my shoulder) I run out of the room and down the hall, tossing a hurried "bye I'll be back soon" to my mother, then raced out the door.
Yes, I know, you probably think I'm crazy, don't you?
Rushing over to Koushiro's like that before I even called to see what he wanted, or if he was even home.
But I didn't think about that.
All I thought about was going to see Koushiro.
I guess I'm a little obsessed with him.
But you would be too!
I mean, not seeing him for six years, and then when I do, I end up having sex with him. And then he deserts me. But he freaks out when I OD.
I still can't figure him out.
It's either he likes me or he doesn't.
What do you think? You're a voice in my head, you seem to have all the answers. So what do you make of this one?
Oh, staying silent, eh?
So I guess you don't have the answers to everything then.
I reached Koushiro's place, completely out of breath and sweating like crazy. He lives twenty minutes away and I ran the whole time.
Koushiro himself answers my knock on the door, and when he sees who it is, his eyes widen.
We stare at each other for a few moments, both wanting to say something but not knowing what.
The silence grows and still we are tongue tied. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable under what feels like a harsh gaze.
At last he drops his eyes from me and breaks the silence.
"Ano.. Jyou.. what are you doing here?" he asks softly.
I almost melt at hearing his kawaii voice again. I hadn't heard it in awhile, and I missed it. Hell, I missed him, period.
So maybe I'm more than a little obsessed with him.
"Err.. my brother said you stopped by earlier. My house, that is." I laughed nervously, halfway wishing that small amount of smack I took would kick in. Then maybe I'd feel relaxed enough to be myself around Koushiro, and not act like a damned idiot.
"Ano.. hai. I did. I just.. I just.. wanted to see how you were doing, that's all," he replied quietly, studying the concrete.
Can't you look at me Koushiro?
"Oh.. well... I'm doing fine. Not great, but... but good."
Oh yeah, that sounded just great.
"Well, that's.. that's good. Anyways, I gotta... I got something do to on my computer.. so.. so bai." He started to shut the door.
"Koushiro, wait!" I said quickly before he could.
"Yeah?" he asked, almost hopefully it seemed. But that could have been just me.
"Err... we need to talk," I said, stumbling over the words.
Now he finally looked at me. I was startled by the fear I saw in his eyes.
"About what?" he asked me, and when he spoke I detected a slight tremble in his voice.
"About... stuff. Should we go somewhere to talk?"
"I-iie, my room is fine. Come on," he said, motioning for me to come in.
I did, looking around kind of cautiously. This was the first time I had ever been in his house. I noticed there were lots of boxes around, and briefly wondered if he had moved in recently.
As if reading my mind, Koushiro explained almost apologetically, "We just moved here a few weeks ago, so the house is still in the process of being unpacked and furnished."
"Oh," I said as I followed him upstairs to his room.
His was the only room in the house I saw that didn't have boxes everywhere, so I'm guessing he went ahead and unpacked everything right away.
"E-eto... you can sit on my bed," he offered graciously while he sat in the chair at his desk.
"Allright," I said. After a hesitant moment, I did so.
Like before at the door, we once again lapsed into silence.
God I hate this!
I have so many things I want to say to him. There's just so much inside of me right now, so many things I'm feeling, so many things I want to say, and I don't even know how!
I swear I'm gonna go crazy. I don't know what to expect from Koushiro anymore. I don't even know if I ever really did to begin with.
"So... what'd you wanna talk about?" Koushiro asked at last, once again being the first to break the silence.
"Err... well... you see.." I stuttered as I blushed and looked down in my lap, my hair falling so that it concealed my face.
"Well?" he urged.
"Koushiro, where do we stand with each other?" I blurted out.
He looked away. Why, I don't exactly know. All I know is that it hurt me, made me fear he didn't feel anything for me at all, despite everything we did.
"I... what do you mean?"
"I mean, where do we stand? What do you feel for me?"
"Feel for you?"
Mou! He's making this impossible!
"Hai. How do you feel about me? I mean, we used to be friends. Then you kissed me and never saw me again until a few weeks ago."
"Never.. saw you? What are... ah, nevermind."
I stared at him, confused. Was he implying that maybe I did see him or something? When? And why wouldn't I remember it? What is he talking about?
..waitasec. That.. that dream! Maybe it's more than just a dream..
"Yeah, you never saw me," I said, going with what I had always thought until recently. I mean, that could just be a dream after all. "You never saw me, and then when you finally did, you didn't talk to me and you would barely even look at me. Then you kissed me again and let me... you know...-" I broke off, flushing. "And now you're ignoring me again," I finished up hastily.
"I..."
"Well? Do you like me or not? I can't figure you out!"
"What do you mean, you can't figure me out?!" he shouted suddenly, startling me suddenly. "You know perfectly well how I feel about you! Don't lie to me! I'm tired of you lying and pretending all the time! I should be the one asking you all the questions, not the other way around!"
"Woah..." I raised a hand, trying to wipe the shocked look of my face.
"Koushiro, what are you talking about? I'm not lying or pretending anything. What's going on?"
"Don't you remember?" Koushiro whisphered, a few tears trailing down his cheeks.
I looked at him uncertainly, surprised at his shifting emotions.
"Remember what? I don't understand."
"No you wouldn't, would you?" he snapped bitterly. "You probably just blocked it out, not even thinking about how it would affect me."
What in hell was he talking about? Did that dream I have really happen?
"Koushiro, I don't know what you're talking about. I have an idea, thanks to some reoccurring dream I've been having lately, but I don't even know if that was a dream or not."
"Dream?"
"Yeah. It starts out with me running away from you... I don't know why. You're calling for me to come back, but I ignore you... then I run into an alleyway, and then I .. that's the nightmare/flashback part I used to have about when I got raped. That happens in the dream, right after I run from you..."
"That's.. that's all you remember?" he asks me, wiping away some more tears, which doesn't really do any good, as more keep coming.
"Oh God... Koushiro, did that really happen?"
He nodded. "Yes. I didn't know it was the same night you were.. you know.. though.. I didn't know at all."
"That's why I don't remember!" I said. "Anything associated with the night I was attacked, I tried to block out. I succeeded in most of it, which including whatever happened between you and me."
"You.. you really don't remember?"
I shook my head.
If I remembered Koushiro, then I would understand perfectly what you are talking about. And I have a hunch that if I knew, I wouldn't even be sitting in here right now. From the looks of things, I must have hurt you deeply.
For which I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I didn't mean to.
"I- I don't remember Koushiro. Why don't you tell me? What happened between us?"
"I.. you.."
"Koushiro?"
Damn!
"Yeah kaasan?" Koushiro replied, going over and opening his door.
"Tell your friend he has to leave. Dinner's ready."
Damn it all to hell! Stupid Izumi-kaasan!
"Allright, kaasan."
Koushiro shut the door as she walked away, then turned to me.
"See ya around.. Jyou," he said, no longer looking at me but instead at the ground again.
I sighed. "Yeah, see ya Koushiro," I muttered.
Damn the fates! Damn them!
I opened his door and left the room, heading back downstairs.
I hesitated to walk out the front door, because I was afraid that if I did, I would walk out of Koushiro's life forever. An irrational thought, I know that, but I'm allowed to be that way.
Finally I told myself I was being ridiculous, and opened the door and went out. Then I went straight to the park and sat underneath a tree and cried.
It's not fair! I was so close to finding out how Koushiro felt about me, and his stupid mom had to ruin it all!
And now I'm just more confused than ever. Obviously that dream I've been having is really a flashback, and I don't understand it one bit. What I do to hurt Koushiro? Why did I run from him? What the hell happened between us?
I mean, I've liked him for ages. I can't imagine doing anything that would deliberately hurt him. But when I went to see him just now, he was acting very bitter over something. But what could I have done?
Damn it all to hell! I hate this!
"Jyou?" a female voice said.
I looked up, sullenly wiping away my tears.
Hikari and another boy were standing over me.
I don't know who the boy was. He had cinnamon red hair that was as wild as Taichi's, although not nearly as large. However, it was chocolate brown eyes that were the most striking feature about him. They were very large and they always seemed to be twinkling, as if the boy knew nothing but how to be happy. He looked to be about Hikari's age and weight, and I'm assuming he was the same age as her. In a way, he was rather cute, although definitely too young for me. Besides, I'd feel like I was dating Takeru or Hikari or something.
"Jyou?" Hikari asked again.
"What?" I mumble, not wanting to put up with her sympathy right now.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, this is Jyou? From what Takeru said, and from what I've heard flying around school, I kinda pictured him to be different than this," the boy said, his chocolate brown eyes widening as he gave me the once over.
I blushed and looked at the ground.
"Daisuke!" Hikari hissed. "Behave or I'll get Takeru to punish you!"
"Punish me how?" he said, a trace of a smile in his voice.
"You know."
"No I don't. But whatever it is I'm sure I'll enjoy it."
"Oh God Daisuke! That's sick!"
I glanced up at them, rather confused.
"What are you two talking about?" I asked.
Hikari coughed delicately and the boy called Daisuke sweatdropped. "Ano.. nan demo nai!" he cried nervously.
I decided I didn't want to know.
"So what's wrong Jyou?" Hikari asked again, sitting down beside me. Daisuke sat on my other side.
I let out a sigh.
"Nan demo nai, Hikari."
The brown haired girl gave me a Look. "Yeah. Taichi says the same thing when something's bothering him. I never let him get away with it. Now tell me what's wrong."
God, such a demanding person.
"Well... it involves what I said in the Digital World. But I don't want to talk about it with this boy here."
"Why not?" Daisuke demanding, pretending to be hurt. "You don't trust me?"
"I don't know you."
"Well you could, if you'd kept in touch with all your Chosen friends," he said.
I raised an eyebrow and looked over at Hikari. "You told him about the Digital World?"
She shrugged. "Why not? We told Iori and Miyako too."
"Who are they?"
"Two other friends of ours."
"Oh. Well, anyways, I don't want to talk about with him here," I repeated.
She paused, frowned, then nodded. "Allright, but trust me, he wouldn't care one bit." She turned towards her friend. "Daisuke, you go ahead to Takeru's. I'll be there in a little bit."
"Aww... but Hikari-chan.."
"BAI, Daisuke."
"Hmph." He got up and walked off. When he was almost out of hearing range, he turned back towards us and yelled, "FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO WALK TO TAKERU'S WITH YOU ANYWAYS! I DON'T NEED YOU TO MAKE ME HAPPY! I HAVE TAKERU!"
She just shook and her head, muttering about getting him later.
"Is he your boyfriend?" I asked her.
She looked shocked. "No, Daisuke is.. well, didn't Takeru tell you about him?"
"No, I'd never heard of Daisuke until today. What about him?"
"Well, he and Takeru are going out."
"WHAT?! Takeru's gay?! I didn't know that!"
"He's not gay. He's bisexual. Daisuke's gay, though."
"Oh.. wonder why he looked so shocked when I said I was gay, then..." I mused.
She lifted one shoulder upwards, then lowered it. "Don' know. But he didn't care, though. No one did, really. I mean hell, Yamato and my brother are gay too."
"Yeah.." I had forgotten about that.
""So what's bothering you Jyou? Why were you crying?"
"Umm.." I really didn't want to tell her about Koushiro, but I was stuck for ideas.
"Well?"
"Ano..." Oh wait! "Well... I was just worried that nobody would like me now that they know I'm gay.. I didn't remember about Taichi and Yamato, and I didn't know about Takeru.."
"Oh. Jyou, you shouldn't have worried about that," she reassured. "Nobody cares, they really don't. Hell, out of the chosen and Daisuke and Miyako and Iori, you know how many of us are fully straight?"
I shook my head.
"Two."
I stared at her in disbelief.
"Two?"
"Yes," she confirmed. "Two. Mimi and Iori."
"Wha..."
"Exactly. Taichi, Yamato, Daisuke, Sora, and you are gay. Takeru, Miyako, and myself are bisexual. Like I said, Iori and Mimi are straight."
"Wha... what about Koushiro?" I asked, my voice catching slightly on his name. I don't think she noticed though.
"I-I don't know what he is," she confessed. "I've never seen him take interest in girls or guys ever."
"I have," I muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing. Just .. shocked at this news. It's a lot to swallow."
"Yeah. Well, I gotta get to Takeru's. I'm afraid him and Daisuke are going to be screwing each other silly before I get there."
"But they're only fourteen!" I cried out, shocked.
"They're certainly not virgins," she told me seriously.
"Oh.. geez.. mou!! Don't tell me that!" I exclaimed. "I didn't need to know!"
She laughed. "Sorry! Later, Jyou!"
"Bai." I waved as she stood and ran off.
I sat there under the tree for a long time after she left, thinking about all she had told me. Apparently no one was bothered by my being gay. While it wasn't why I had been crying, I hadn't been lying to Hikari altogether: it was bothering me some. But now that I know, I feel a lot better.
But Koushiro is just too damn confusing. On one hand, I'm inclined to think he's gay. I mean, why else would he kiss me twice? On the other hand, he's always avoiding me, as if he's ashamed of what we did. On the other hand, he did imply that I hurt him once before. He's probably afraid of getting hurt again. On the other hand..
ok, that's a bit too many hands. Maybe I shouldn't think about it anymore. It only leaves me feeling more confused than ever.
I want some smack.
NO! Jim just got onto you about it a few hours ago! You don't need it!
But I do! Every time I think about Koushiro I get this craving for heroin. I can't help it!
But you can.
Shutup! You're just a voice in my head. And you only seem to speak when I don't want you to. So just leave off!
Fine.
God, I would swear that voice is pouting.
"Jyou! Telephone for you!" mom's voice yelled at me from down the hall.
I sighed in irritation. "Who is it?" I shouted back, angry to be interrupted at what I was doing. It seemed that every time I tried to write in my journal, someone would always interrupt me.
"I don't know!" Mom called back.
"Well ask!"
I could picture her rolling her eyes as I heard her go to the telephone and ask who was calling.
"It's Daisuke!" she called.
My eyes narrowed in confusion. What the hell was he doing calling here? And how did he get my number?
Sighing, I went over to my phone and switched over to the main line before picking up.
"Hello?" I asked, as mom hung up the extension.
"Hey Jyou!" Daisuke's cheerful voice returned.
"Daisuke? Why are you calling me? I don't even know you!"
"You met me in the park, right?"
"Yeah..." I said slowly. This was so weird.
"Then you know me," he said.
"I know who you are, but I don't know you. I mean, I don't know a thing about you except you're going out with Takeru and you're not a virgin."
He snorted. "Hell of thing to know about me when you don't even know my last name."
"Hikari's the one that told me."
"I'll have to kill her later. Anyways, there's a purpose in this phone call! Let's get to it!"
Was he always this happy sounding? Mou...
"Well what then?" I asked.
"Look, Hikari, Miyako, Takechan, Yamato, Taichi, Koushiro, and myself are all going to the Digital World tomorrow to hang out for a few hours. Hikari told me what happened in there a few weeks ago, how you passed out for something or other. She wouldn't tell me what caused it though."
Thank God for small favors.
"She also said not to bug you about it, so I won't," he continued. THANK GOD FOR BIG FAVORS!! "-But she thought you might like to come with us to the Digital World. After all, me and Miyako will be the only ones there who aren't Chosen, so you'll know everybody else."
"Damn Daisuke," I moaned. "I just don't know.."
"Please? It's just for a few hours. Besides, Hikari said some old dude emailed her. He wants to upgrade your Digivice."
"Gennai-san?"
"Yeah. Him. And she said you never got to see Gomamon or whoever last time either. Come on Jyou," he wheedled. "It'll be fun!"
"Yeah, about as much fun as having a two hundred pound weight dropped on your foot," I muttered.
Daisuke laughed. It sounded strange over the phone. "Please Jyou? Just to see your friends, if for no other reason?"
I sighed. "Allright," I agreed, giving in. "I'll go. Where do we meet?"
"The Digital World, I guess."
"No we don't! We all end up in different places if we do that, not to mention I still have the old Digivice! I can't use that to get to the Digital World. My guess is we're meeting at the school."
"Oh."
"Look Daisuke, do you at least know what time we're meeting?" I asked, trying to keep patience. I get easily annoyed these days.
"No," he said sheepishly.
"Well you're a lot of help," I said sarcastically.
"Look, tell your boyfriend to call me, okay? Can you do that? You won't forget when you hang up the phone in about a hundred and twenty seconds?"
"No, I won't forget!" he sounded hurt, and I mean sincerely. Kinda strange. Maybe he gets called stupid a lot or something.
"Right. Well, then hang up the phone and call Takeru. Bai Daisuke."
"Hmph. Bai Jyou." He hung up.
Ten minutes later Takeru called me.
"Takeru?"'
"Yep. Daisuke said you wanted me to call you?"
"Yeah. He invited me to go to the Digital World tomorrow."'
"Oh. Glad to see he finally got around to it. Were you surprised to get a phone call from a stranger?"
"He wasn't a complete stranger. I met him in the park the other day. He was with Hikari."
"Oh. Well, he mentioned you had to ask me something about the trip tomorrow."
"Yeah. Where are we meeting, and what time?" I asked him.
"Um.... lessee... Up at Odaiba. Around ten o clock, I think. You might want to call Hikari and ask her. She's the one that set this up. I'm staying the night at her house tonight, so I didn't exactly need to remember the time."
"Allright. What's her number?"
He rattled off a long list of numbers that I quickly jotted down. All in all, I had about five different numbers I could try to reach her. One was her home number, her cell phone, the computer line for their house, the number for her and Taichi's room, and (of all things) Taichi's cell phone.
"Is that all?" I asked.
"Oh wait, no! Write this one down: 356-2017."
"356-2017," I repeated back. "What's that number?"
"Miyako's number."
"Miyako?"
"She might be over there," he explained. "She's over there a lot."
"Oh. Well, thanks Takeru. Later."
"Yeah. See ya tomorrow. And Jyou?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
"Um.. don't get mad.. I mean this is just a suggestion and all, but... you might not want to bring your-you know."
I knew. "I-I don't think I can do that Takeru. But I won't bring very much, if that makes you feel better."
"Well.. allright," he muttered. "Bai."
God, I must be an idiot. I can't believe I'm going to the Digital World tomorrow with people I once called friends. And Koushiro. He's gonna be there too. I don't want to face him.
I'm too scared.
Beep! Beep! Beep!
My hand shoots out from under the covers and slams down on my alarm clock, literally smashing the cheap thing to pieces and ultimately silencing it.
Groaning, I throw the covers back and swing my legs over the side of my bed, groggily trying to wake up.
Mou! It's too early to get up. I mean, it's only 8:30. I usually don't get up until about noon whenever I don't have to go to school.
However, unless I want to be late and piss everybody off, I should get up.
Letting out another groan, I stand up and began heading across the hall to the bathroom, wobbling as I do so.
When I get to the bathroom, I turn on the shower and strip while I wait for the water to heat up. Once I step in, though, I discovered I left the water on cold instead of hot, so I ended up freezing my ass off before the water turned hot after I switched it over.
I should have stayed in bed.
But that means not getting to see Koushiro, and this may be my last chance to make things right with him. I want this chance. I want to find out why he's so bitter towards me, and find a way to show him how much I really care for him.
|You can do what you want just seize the day
|What you're doing tomorrow's gonna
|come your way
|Don't you ever consider giving up,
|you will find, oooh|
It's not like that would ever happen though. I really should just give up. If he can have sex with me and still want to avoid and still be bitter, he's got to be a lost cause.
Why do I think I stand a chance with him?
Letting out a sigh, I rinse the last of the soap out my hair, then step out of the shower and walk back towards my room, towel wrapped around my waist.
On the way there, I trip over the phone cord in the hall and fall flat on my face.
Shades of the old Digital World days.
Maybe it's an omen.
God, now is not a good time to slip into my depressed mood again. Not when I have to face Koushiro.
NO! I CAN'T DO THIS!
I have to think positive today. Otherwise I really don't stand a chance with Koushiro. I promised myself last night before going to sleep that I would make the best of today, no matter how it turned out.
I can't go back on that promise now.
I can't lie to myself. That's one of the reasons I'm already so fucked up.
As Jim used to say, I need to lift my spirits and look on the bright side of things.
I dress quickly and once again throw some things into my backpack.
Extra clothes, snacks, lubricant (hey, I didn't think I'd have a reason for it last time and look what happened!), a considerable less amount of heroin this time, my pills of course, the inhaler, the usual junk I really have no need for but can't seem to do without, you know, that kind of stuff.
By 9:15 I was completely ready to go. It took about fifteen or so minutes to get to the school, so I had a whole thirty minutes left.
What to do with all that time?
|Take a walk in the park when you feel down
|There's so many things there
|that's gonna lift you up
|See the nature in bloom a laughing child
|Such a dream, oooh|
I ended up going back to that same tree in the park I had spent the other day under, crying because I was so afraid I had lost Koushiro.
I don't know why I went there.
I didn't need to.
With my luck, I'd think about Koushiro and get all depressed again and then I'd be a wreck in the Digital World and how would I talk to Koushiro then?
But nonetheless, I couldn't seem to make myself go anywhere than under the tree in the park.
Besides, it was nice and peaceful there early in the morning, and it actually made me feel at peace with myself, feel happy and relaxed, emotions I hadn't felt in God knows how long.
Of course, when you feel like you don't fit in anywhere and that you're all alone in the world and you are the lowest scum on earth and don't deserve to live, it's kinda hard to feel good about yourself, and feel happy.
Maybe Koushiro will help me want to live again. If I can make things right with him, that is. If I can't, I might as well kill myself then and there.
|You're looking for somewhere to belong
|You're standing all alone
|for someone to guide you on your way
|Now and forever|
"Jyou?"
I look up. "Koushiro..." I breathe. "What are you doing here?"
He shrugged. "I was cutting through the park on my way to the school and I saw you. Why are you here?"
Now it was my turn to shrug. "Just sitting here."
"Oh. Are you coming to the Digital World with us?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Well... wanna... wanna walk with me?" he asked, almost shyly.
I looked at him in shock. Koushiro was actually asking me to be around him? I thought all he wanted to do was avoid me. Maybe I really do stand a chance with him..
praying praying praying!!!
He offers his hand out to me, and I take it, using his support to pull myself up off the ground.
|I have tried to get to know you
|To get you off my mind
|It feels like going back in time
|And snap, I see your figure once again
|My deja vu everything is up to you|
We walk to the school, not saying much important. He mostly just talks about what the Chosen have been up to these past six years, carefully avoiding the subject we really want to discuss. He knows now is not a good time, as do I.
I'm surprised to find I have supposedly met Miyako once before.
"I have?" I ask him, raising an eyebrow.
He nods. "Yeah. You don't remember? Me and her and Hikari and Mimi were in the mall one time, and we ran into you, and I introduced you to her? You don't remember?"
I shook my head. "Describe her to me?"
"Well, she's changed a lot from when you last saw her. Now she has short purple hair, and she's very tall, almost as tall as you, and very thin and effeminate. Great fashion sense, wears purple colored contacts. When you saw her, she had long hair, bad fashion sense, glasses, she wasn't fat, but she wasn't stick thin like now, and she was only about average height," he explained.
"Hmm..." I frown. "I don't remember her. I don't remember much of anything these days. All this shit my body has endured has kind of screwed with my senses."
He went silent at that, and I feared I had said to much, until he said, "you really can't remember her? She looks a lot Hikari now, except her hair and eye color, and she's a little thinner."
"I.. I don't remember her. Sorry."
"Oh well. You'll meet her soon anyways. She's a really great person. I can see why Hikari likes her."
Well this was news to me. I knew she was bisexual, but.. Miyako? One of her friends? Is there any one of us that likes someone outside the group? Because I like Koushiro, he acts like he likes me, Takeru and Daisuke are together, Hikari likes Miyako, Mimi likes me, Sora likes me, and Taichi and Yamato are together. That would leave Miyako and that other boy, Iori.
"Hikari likes Miyako?"
"Yeah. She's bisexual. You didn't know that?"
"No, I knew. I just didn't know she liked one of her friends. What about Miyako? Does she like Hikari back?"
"Nobody knows. We can't figure out. It's driving Hikari insane. I think she really likes Miyako a lot, about as much as Takeru and Daisuke like each other."
I groaned. "Please don't mention the name Daisuke around me," I muttered.
"What?" he glanced over at me. "Why not?"
"Because the only two things I know about him aren't the most pleasant things in the world to know about someone you met in the park not three days ago."
"What things?"
"That he's dating Takeru and he's not a virgin."
Koushiro laughed. "Well neither are you."
"I know, but.. he's younger.. it's just kinda... weird. I mean... assuming he's Takeru and Hikari's age.. fourteen?"
"I'm only sixteen since a few weeks ago, Jyou," Koushiro pointed out quietly.
"I know.. but you've always seemed more mature than your age.. you could handle losing your virginity at fifteen.. if you understand what I'm trying to say."
We were treading on thin ice now, and I had to be careful not to step on the wrong crack and fall through.
"What I mean Koushiro, is that.." I paused for a moment, trying to word my words right, "is that they could just be doing whatever it is they do out of lust, and not out of love or something close to love."
"Who says when I gave myself up to you, it wasn't out of lust?" Koushiro asked, and he sounded angry. We had fallen through, and we had to get out quickly, less we get frozen.
"No, I mean I'm not saying you did what you did with me out of love! I'm not saying anything like that at all! I didn't mean to imply..."
"Then what did you mean?" he demanded, and he still sounded mad. The ice is just too damn slippery to climb back up on.
"I meant just they could be doing it out of lust.."
"And it's your business because..?"
Luckily the school came in view just then, and saved me from further words.
|I'm a loser, that is a fact for sure
|I'm happy even if you don't want
|To invite me out for a dance tonight
|I'm not normal, I know it, I don't care|
The others greeted us cheerful, Daisuke a little too cheerfully if you ask me. I spotted Miyako immediately. I could easily see why Hikari was attracted to her. She was very pretty, much as Koushiro described her.
I also spotted another boy who I assumed to be Iori. He was rather on the short side, and he had green eyes and brown hair. He looked younger than the others, maybe twelve or thirteen at most. I wondered how they met him.
Anyways, soon as we arrived, Koushiro went over to where Taichi and Yamato were, ignoring me completely.
That's when I knew I had completely blew it with him.
Mou! I'm such an idiot. I should have never brought up that thing about Daisuke. I knew it was a dangerous subject! I knew it! And I totally ruined the good feelings I had just being nearing him again! Baka baka baka!
Mou, how can I keep doing that to myself? EVERY chance I get with him, I totally ruin it!
When will I ever learn?
"Well, now that Jyou and Koushiro are here, I think we're ready to go," Takeru spoke up, interrupting my self-loathing.
"What? Are we all ready to depart?" Taichi said, looking around.
"Yep. Come on everybody, gather around the computer. Miyako, take Hikari's left hand. Iori, take her right. Jyou, take Koushiro's hand," Takeru instructed us.
What? Me take Koushiro's hand?
Before I even had time to react, though, Koushiro had come over next to me and grabbed my hand.
I closed my hand around his nervously, giving him a shaky smile, which he didn't return, further proving my suspicions that I had blown it with him.
Takeru took out his Digivice, and just as he was about to open the gate, Daisuke interrupted him. "Takechan, can I open the gate?"
Takeru raised an eyebrow. "You're not a Chosen."
"Please?" he pleaded, giving the blond a begging puppy dog look. "I can try."
"Well here then," Takeru said, handing over his Digivice with a small amused smile.
Daisuke took it, grinned "thanks Takechan!" and held it up to the computer.
"Digital Gate, Open!" he said. To everybody's surprise, it worked and we were all whisked away to the Digital World.
Once we got there, Koushiro let go out of my hand, leaving me feeling strangely disappointed rather than hurt.
|I wanna see you dancing naked
|I wanna see you touch the moon
|But when I try to reach your fingers
|You just vanish into air
|I wanna feel you with my senses
|'Cause I'm almost sure the texture
|of your skin
|Is gonna tell me who you are|
"Wow! It's so great to be back!" Daisuke exclaimed, causing everyone except one to give him a strange look.
Takeru just snorted at that remark and whisphered something in his ear, causing the cinnamon haired boy to turn a lovely shade of red.
I decided never to ask.
"You've been here before Daisuke?" that girl Miyako asked him.
"Um, yes. Um, Takeru *ahem* took me here," he said, casting a sly glance at the boy beside him.
"In more ways than one, I presume?" Iori asked sarcastically.
"Of course!" he exclaimed, flashing what I later learned from Takeru was his trademark grin.
I groaned. "You guys are weird," I said.
"No weirder 'n you Jyou!"
I winced. If only Daisuke knew...
I caught Koushiro giving me a sympathetic glance, which only served to confuse me more. I thought he was mad at me...?
Apparently he can't make up his mind.
I wish he would though! It's driving me absolutely crazy not being able to figure him out.
"Allright" once again Taichi was taking charge "unlike last time when us Chosen were here, this time we don't all have to stay together. You can go off, do whatever you want, leave when you want. Just let me know when you're leaving, so when the rest of us leave we don't spend hours looking for you. Miyako, Iori and Daisuke: since none of you are Chosen, I'd prefer it if you stuck with someone who is a Chosen, someone who knows the Digital World well and has a Digivice. Jyou: you're welcome to go off by yourself if you want. When you want to leave, I'll send you with someone who has a Digivice, or you can also go see if Gennai-san is around and is willing to upgrade your Digivice. Are we al clear on this?"
"YES!" Everyone chorused.
"Good!" Taichi clapped his hands together. "Then let's all enjoy ourselves and anyone who hasn't left meet back here in five hours! See you lot later!"
For some reason, this gives me the feeling of being in summer camp. I mean, Taichi's acting exactly like some camp counselor or something.
I watched as everyone slowly drifted off in several directions, until eventually Koushiro and I were the only ones left standing in the clearing.
I wonder if I have the guts to talk to him now, or if he'll even listen to me. Probably not, but I can't be sure anymore. I can't be sure of anything. I just... I wish I knew what kind of a chance I had with Koushiro! I miss him so badly. I miss holding him, kissing him, talking to him, I miss being his friend. I want things to be the way they were six years ago.
|I wanna hold you like I used to
|I wanna feel you in my blood
|I wonder why I do confess this
|To myself all the time
|I know the time is working against us
|But I'll long for you the rest of my whole life
|Like a prisoner of hope|
"So what do you want to do?" Koushiro asked, turning towards me.
"I want to straighten things out," I said softly.
"Huh?" he asked in confusion, although I didn't miss the dark look that passed briefly over his face. He heard me. He knew what I was talking about.
"I want to- to straighten things out between us, Koushiro. I'm tired of this. I can't deal with it anymore. I swear I'm gonna go crazy trying to figure out whether you hate me or like me! You give me the impression that you're bitter over something I did to hurt you, but I don't even know what it was I did! Couldn't you at least tell me so I won't beat myself over the head trying to remember?"
"You really wanna know, Jyou? You really wanna know why I'm so bitter towards you?" he asked angrily. "You wanna know why I seem to hate you so much?"
"Yes I do!"
"It's because I do hate you!" he cried. "I hate you, that's why I act like it!"
Appalled, I watched as he slid to the ground, crying slightly. However, I don't believe that he really hates me.
Walking over to him, I sink down beside him and reach out my hand towards his face. He shies away, which I sorta expected but it still hurt nonetheless.
"Why Koushiro? Why do you hate me so much? What did I do?"
"You abandoned me," he whisphered.
"How? How do I abandon you?"
"You ran. You ran from me! You didn't even come back.. not ever.. not for four years.."
"Koushiro, you're not making any sense to me. Please, can't you tell me why I left you?"
"You think I know?" he shouted into my face. "You think I know why you left me? Don't you think I've sat and tried to analyze it all these four years? It doesn't make any sense! You were giving off all the signs, everything was pointing to your liking me, it's not like I had anything to lose. I didn't think you'd hurt me like that. I guess I was wrong..."
Ooookaaaaayyy.. I think I'm starting to get some idea of what happened between us. And if what he's implying is right, then I can see why he'd hate me so much..
"Koushiro..."
"I told you," he said quietly. "I told you that I loved you and you ran..... I guess you were scared.. I don't know. But it hurt so much! I couldn't understand why you rejected me. And then you didn't even talk to me for another four years. And when you did, you gave no clue that you acknowledged what happened between us.. I was so confused trying to figure it out all the time.. and time went by and you never said anything and I started hating you more and more.."
"Koushiro.." I said, pained. "I don't know what I can say that can take back the pain-"
"Nothing," he told me bitterly. "Absolutely nothing."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I don't know why I would have ran, except maybe what you suggested, that I was scared. But whatever I may have thought then, I certainly don't think it now. If you were to tell me you loved me, I wouldn't run. Not this time. I won't make the same mistake twice."
"Oh what? So now I'm just supposed to forget you ever hurt me, accept your apology, and tell you I still love you? That's supposed to make everything better?"
"NO! That's not it Koushiro! Nothing will make what happened better. I know that. And I don't want you to forget that I hurt you. I'm not asking that. All I'm saying is that I want to make it up to you, and prove that I didn't mean to hurt you. Trust me, if I had remembered that day, and I hadn't gotten raped, I would have came back. I really would have. Please believe me Koushiro."
"Why? So you can hurt me again?"
"I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!" I shouted. "God, I want- I want.. I want to love you," I said. And promptly started to cry.
There. I said it. I finally admitted it to myself. I love Koushiro. All this time when I couldn't say it, no matter how much I knew it was true, all the time it kept building up inside me-I finally released it. And it's amazing how much lighter I feel now.
Koushiro looked pained at making me cry, but he didn't give in. "If you love me, then why did you run?"
"I don't know!" I wailed. "I told you, I can't hardly remember that night except in nightmares, and the only thing other than the rape was the running away from you. I don't remember anything before that! Please Koushiro, don't reject me. I need you," I begged. "You are the only thing that is keeping me sane."
"I thought I was making you go insane."
"No, the fact that I couldn't figure you out was. Please, just-"
I was cut off by a pair of soft lips being pressed firmly against mine. His tongue begin to seek entrance, which I gladly granted. I let out a low moan as he begins to suck at my lower lip, and reach my hands out and pull his body closer to mine.
I don't even have time to wonder why he's doing this since he claims to hate me. I'm too caught up in the rush of emotions I experienced just by having Koushiro so close to me again.
|I wanna see you dancing naked
|I wanna see you touch the moon
|But when I try to reach your fingers
|You just vanish into air
|I wanna feel you with my senses
|'Cause I'm almost sure the texture
|of your skin
|Is gonna tell me who you are|
We finally break apart for oxygen then, and I lean backwards a little, staring into his eyes. I'm surprised by his actions. "Koushiro-" but he gently placed a finger to my lips.
"Shh," he whisphered. "Don't ask. Just trust me. Okay?"
I nodded.
He tilted his face upwards, capturing my lips in another fierce kiss as he slowly began to slide his hands under my shirt.
Little chills raced up and down my spine at such intimate contact. We were taking it a lot slower than last time, now that our initial frenzy to be so close had already been fulfilled once before.
Koushiro broke off from me momentarily and carefully eased my shirt up over my head. Then he kissed me once more, making me gasp as he moved lower and caught a pale nipple in his mouth, torturously licking and sucking at it, teasing.
"Koushiro..mou..." I groaned.
He laughed and pulled his own shirt off, then started unbuttoning my pants, sending more tremors along my spine.
I can't believe Koushiro is willing to do this with me, especially after I hurt him so badly. Hell, I can't believe he let me take him before or even-even talk to me! If he had done something like that to me and I didn't know why and didn't hear from him in years, I know I would be most upset.
Anyways, just to shorten the story a little, and so I won't bore you with all the kissing and teasing, I'll cut to the part where Koushiro entered me.
It hurt, God it hurt! It was the first time someone had ever screwed me in that way, and it hurt so badly! But at the same time, it felt.. kinda good. The pleasure was there, although most of it was lost in the immense amount of pain and the mix of emotions I was experiencing. But I didn't mind. Just having Koushiro inside me was enough, and as he continued to thrust into me the pain got less and the pleasure became more.
Not to mention I about lost control of myself when he grasped my pulsating cock firmly and began to pump me. After that, it didn't take for me to come at all. And when I did, I just went completely limp. I was exhausted. I didn't even feel Koushiro come inside me a few minutes later, I was too drained.
Koushiro collapsed on top of me after making a slightly painful exit.
We lay there in contented silence for quite some time, not saying anything, just riding out our roller coaster of emotions.
It's some time later as I am about to drift off into sleep that I hear Koushiro's mumbled, "I still love you Jyou."
"I love you too," I whispher back, then smile softly as I hear the steady breathing meaning he's asleep.
Everything will be allright now, I hope. Koushiro loves me, he said it, and he's obviously willing to give me another chance.
Just that thought causes so many of my worries and depressed thoughts to depart from my troubled mind, and actually give me hope of overcoming my depression altogether. I hadn't realized so much of my bad feelings had stemmed from not being able to figure Koushiro out.
But it doesn't matter now. I have Koushiro, he's here with me, and I swear that as long as I live I will never do anything to hurt him again.
I went through so much pain, and it wasn't fun. I don't want to experience so much pain anymore.
God Koushiro, you don't know how much it means to me to have you forgive me.
One last time I whispher the words I used to have so much trouble admitting, "I love you Koushiro," then sink into a peaceful sleep, for once not having nightmares, but instead wonderful dreams of Koushiro.
~Well done Jyou~ Fred whisphered. ~It took you long enough~
"Shutup Fred."
|They say the time has come for us
|to start again
|I believe that's true
|They say the time has come for us
|to make amends
|And I believe that too|
~finis~
© 2001 butterflie November 30, 2001 Friday 12:08 am
Okay, I guess that was kinda sappy and a sorta abrupt ending, but I've been working on this thing since august and it's time it was finished. I mean, it's only a one-shot! But was it good? Please let it be good! I know it's better in the beginning and that after he ODs, the writing just kinda goes downhill, but that is due to this bad case of writers block I have! I'm sorry! I'd make it go away if I could! Anyways, maybe there will be a sequel to this someday.. I mean, it's a possibility. Especially with the ending the way it was. Well anyways, enough babbling. Review and tell me what you think! Thanks!
~Crimson Goddess~
(waii! Now I have to blow out my candle and go to bed.. I don' wanna! Candle smell nice... nighty-night! luv you all!)
1 *This happens to me all the time. Does anyone else ever feel that sort of dizzy feeling, where everything seems to be standing still except for yourself?
Digimon - NC-17 - English - Angst/Romance - Review: 4 - Chapters: 1 - Words: 19563 - Updated: 12-03-01 - Published: 12-03-01
first part
"JYOU! Come back! Jyou? Jyou, don't leave me! Please! I'm sorry! Please, come back...Jyou..."
Once again I'm running. And once again, I'm ignoring him. I run on until I come to the empty alleyway.
I snuck a glance behind me, back at Koushiro, as I ran. He was standing in the doorway to his apartment, crying, just like the first time. I could still see the tears glistening on his cheeks from the distance. But then he turned and went back into the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
The painful feelings in my heart are there. Everything is happening all over again, just like the first time.
Suddenly I let out a cry as I bump into someone standing directly in front of me.
I am knocked to my feet from the force of the impact, and around me I can hear a bunch of guys laughing.
"Well, well, well. Lookit what we got here. Fresh meat."
I stare up at six hulking guys, terrified out of my mind. Their clean shaven heads and mean looking tattoos scare me, but not as much as what I spot in their hands.
Knives.
However, that's not the worst. I recognize these guys and I remember this scene. I know what's going to happen next.
As I continue to stare at them, terrified, one guy reaches down and grabs me by the crotch and shoulder, hoisting me up off the ground. He turns me round, studying me.
I struggle to get free, but he is hitting me now. I find myself back on the ground. All the guys are beating on me.
All of a sudden my pants are yanked off of me.
Roughly I am flipped over.
I start to scream, knowing what is coming, begging for him to stop....
He's entering me...no...I scream and scream...please stop....Koushiro, I'm sorry...
Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?
I can't... remember....
I'm still screaming....
"Jyou? Jyou, are you okay man! Hey, snap out of it! What's wrong man! JYOU!!!"
"...Ya-ma-to?" I say slowly, enunciating each syllable.
"Jyou, thank God! You scared me to death! What in hell was that?"
I didn't answer him, just sat there and stared off into space.
Once again, I had the same nightmare. Me running from Koushiro into the dark alley, getting raped by that gang....
But why had I run from him in the first place? What had we said or done before I ran? Why can't I remember?
"Jyou? Jyou, don't tune out on me!" Yamato warned.
I looked over at him blankly. "Huh?"
He sighed. "Jyou! Just.. pay attention to me ok? Don't fall asleep again."
"I fell asleep?" I asked him, confused.
~Well duh stupid. How else do you think you had that nightmare?~ a little voice in my head said. I think it was Fred said it. I'm not sure. The voice I named Fred and the voice I named George sounded a lot alike. I think they're cousins. And they're Americans. Hence the American names.
"Well, excuse me for forgetting!" I shot back at Fred. "But I had more pressing matters at the moment, such as analyzing the nightmare!"
~hmph.~ Fred pouted. ~Nobody said you had to analyze that stupid dream.~
"Yeah? Well I said it."
"Yeah, you fell asleep while we were talking," Yamato said, completely unawares of the argument I was having with Fred within my mind. "I didn't want to disturb you, you looked exhausted and I thought you could use the sleep. Until you started screaming of course," he added, eyes twinkling. "Then I figured you might want to be woken."
"Uh.. thanks," I said.
~Fine. Ignore me then.~ Fred said huffily. ~See if I ever talk to you again.~
"You think that would bother me? Hell I'd be glad if you left me alone!"
~you say that now.~
"Whatever," I said, but Fred had apparently gone back to sleep, because I got no answer.
"So what scared you so bad?" Yamato inquired cheerfully, probably planning to tease me a little.
He definitely is the same Yamato I knew six years ago. That Yamato was quiet and depressed looking. This Yamato is cheerful and outgoing.
But I wasn't about to tell him about my nightmare.
"It's none of your business," I said, a little more harshly than I meant to.
"Hey, sorry," he said, hurt welling up in his eyes. "I was just asking. I didn't mean to upset you."
Great. We just became friends again and I'm already mad at him.
I sighed. "Sorry, I didn't mean that. The dream just upset me some, that's all."
Lie. I lie. That's not all. But it's all he needs to know.
"Hey, it's okay. I used to have nightmares too. I understand if you don't want to talk about them," he said softly.
"Uh.. thanks," I said surprised. How many sides does this guy have to him? "Well, look, I gotta be going. I don't want my mom to worry or anything."
"Sure. No problem. Bai Jyou!"
"Bai Yamato!" I called back as I left.
God he confuses me. He's got such an interesting personality. I'm seeing parts of him that were never brought out when we were in the Digital World years ago.
Actually, now that I think about, all the Chosen seemed to have changed. Koushiro the most. Well, next to me.
Koushiro.
I can't even think about him without feeling pain.
I don't even know where I stand with him anymore! At the very first, he was a friend. Then he was a guy who seemed to return my feelings. Then we were separated for six years. And everything changed. He's so damned confusing! Like hot and cold running water, that's how his feelings for me seem to be. One minute he acts like he loves me, the next he hates me.
WHERE DO WE STAND??
I need some more smack.
"Jyou?" Jim's voice called through my closed bedroom door.
Shit!
My eyes widen in panic. Quickly I finish up with the heroin and pull the needle back out. But I'm not quick enough. Before I get a chance to hide the damn thing, Jim's done opened the door and walked in my bedroom.
"Uh, Jim, what are you doing here?" I asked nervously, bringing my arm inconspicuously behind my back.
Jim narrows his eyes at me. "I thought you said you weren't taking the smack anymore," he accused.
I stared at the bed. "I never said that. I just said I'd try."
"Oh? And just how well have you tried?"
"The best I can! It's hard Jim! Get off my case about it!" I shouted angrily. "What do you want anyways?"
Jim glared at me. "Why should I tell you? You're gonna treat me like that."
"Jim just tell me," I told him exasperatedly.
God, why did he have to go to college here? Why couldn't he go somewhere else? I wouldn't care where, just as long as he was far enough away to live in a dorm.
Damn my parents. It's their cheap ways that is the cause of Jim's presence here.
"I don't want to," Jim said stubbornly, making me remember there was a reason I was mad at him.
"Jim dammit!" I cried. "You came in here and interrupted me so you better damn well tell me!"
He let out a hmph. "Fine," he said, crossing his arms across his chest and pouting, as if he was some three year old instead of an adult. "I just came to tell you that Koushiro stopped by earlier, looking for you."
"He did?!" I spluttered. "And I've been home for thirty minutes and you're just now telling me?!"
"Yeah..."
"Bastard! You know how much I like Koushiro!"
Jim shrugged, apparently not caring. "Sorry," he said indifferently.
Gah! I could kill him! Oh, I hope Koushiro's not mad at me or anything.
God, the one time he actually chances to talk to me, and I'm not even home!
Curse the fates.
Without another word (but not without a dirty glance thrown over my shoulder) I run out of the room and down the hall, tossing a hurried "bye I'll be back soon" to my mother, then raced out the door.
Yes, I know, you probably think I'm crazy, don't you?
Rushing over to Koushiro's like that before I even called to see what he wanted, or if he was even home.
But I didn't think about that.
All I thought about was going to see Koushiro.
I guess I'm a little obsessed with him.
But you would be too!
I mean, not seeing him for six years, and then when I do, I end up having sex with him. And then he deserts me. But he freaks out when I OD.
I still can't figure him out.
It's either he likes me or he doesn't.
What do you think? You're a voice in my head, you seem to have all the answers. So what do you make of this one?
Oh, staying silent, eh?
So I guess you don't have the answers to everything then.
I reached Koushiro's place, completely out of breath and sweating like crazy. He lives twenty minutes away and I ran the whole time.
Koushiro himself answers my knock on the door, and when he sees who it is, his eyes widen.
We stare at each other for a few moments, both wanting to say something but not knowing what.
The silence grows and still we are tongue tied. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable under what feels like a harsh gaze.
At last he drops his eyes from me and breaks the silence.
"Ano.. Jyou.. what are you doing here?" he asks softly.
I almost melt at hearing his kawaii voice again. I hadn't heard it in awhile, and I missed it. Hell, I missed him, period.
So maybe I'm more than a little obsessed with him.
"Err.. my brother said you stopped by earlier. My house, that is." I laughed nervously, halfway wishing that small amount of smack I took would kick in. Then maybe I'd feel relaxed enough to be myself around Koushiro, and not act like a damned idiot.
"Ano.. hai. I did. I just.. I just.. wanted to see how you were doing, that's all," he replied quietly, studying the concrete.
Can't you look at me Koushiro?
"Oh.. well... I'm doing fine. Not great, but... but good."
Oh yeah, that sounded just great.
"Well, that's.. that's good. Anyways, I gotta... I got something do to on my computer.. so.. so bai." He started to shut the door.
"Koushiro, wait!" I said quickly before he could.
"Yeah?" he asked, almost hopefully it seemed. But that could have been just me.
"Err... we need to talk," I said, stumbling over the words.
Now he finally looked at me. I was startled by the fear I saw in his eyes.
"About what?" he asked me, and when he spoke I detected a slight tremble in his voice.
"About... stuff. Should we go somewhere to talk?"
"I-iie, my room is fine. Come on," he said, motioning for me to come in.
I did, looking around kind of cautiously. This was the first time I had ever been in his house. I noticed there were lots of boxes around, and briefly wondered if he had moved in recently.
As if reading my mind, Koushiro explained almost apologetically, "We just moved here a few weeks ago, so the house is still in the process of being unpacked and furnished."
"Oh," I said as I followed him upstairs to his room.
His was the only room in the house I saw that didn't have boxes everywhere, so I'm guessing he went ahead and unpacked everything right away.
"E-eto... you can sit on my bed," he offered graciously while he sat in the chair at his desk.
"Allright," I said. After a hesitant moment, I did so.
Like before at the door, we once again lapsed into silence.
God I hate this!
I have so many things I want to say to him. There's just so much inside of me right now, so many things I'm feeling, so many things I want to say, and I don't even know how!
I swear I'm gonna go crazy. I don't know what to expect from Koushiro anymore. I don't even know if I ever really did to begin with.
"So... what'd you wanna talk about?" Koushiro asked at last, once again being the first to break the silence.
"Err... well... you see.." I stuttered as I blushed and looked down in my lap, my hair falling so that it concealed my face.
"Well?" he urged.
"Koushiro, where do we stand with each other?" I blurted out.
He looked away. Why, I don't exactly know. All I know is that it hurt me, made me fear he didn't feel anything for me at all, despite everything we did.
"I... what do you mean?"
"I mean, where do we stand? What do you feel for me?"
"Feel for you?"
Mou! He's making this impossible!
"Hai. How do you feel about me? I mean, we used to be friends. Then you kissed me and never saw me again until a few weeks ago."
"Never.. saw you? What are... ah, nevermind."
I stared at him, confused. Was he implying that maybe I did see him or something? When? And why wouldn't I remember it? What is he talking about?
..waitasec. That.. that dream! Maybe it's more than just a dream..
"Yeah, you never saw me," I said, going with what I had always thought until recently. I mean, that could just be a dream after all. "You never saw me, and then when you finally did, you didn't talk to me and you would barely even look at me. Then you kissed me again and let me... you know...-" I broke off, flushing. "And now you're ignoring me again," I finished up hastily.
"I..."
"Well? Do you like me or not? I can't figure you out!"
"What do you mean, you can't figure me out?!" he shouted suddenly, startling me suddenly. "You know perfectly well how I feel about you! Don't lie to me! I'm tired of you lying and pretending all the time! I should be the one asking you all the questions, not the other way around!"
"Woah..." I raised a hand, trying to wipe the shocked look of my face.
"Koushiro, what are you talking about? I'm not lying or pretending anything. What's going on?"
"Don't you remember?" Koushiro whisphered, a few tears trailing down his cheeks.
I looked at him uncertainly, surprised at his shifting emotions.
"Remember what? I don't understand."
"No you wouldn't, would you?" he snapped bitterly. "You probably just blocked it out, not even thinking about how it would affect me."
What in hell was he talking about? Did that dream I have really happen?
"Koushiro, I don't know what you're talking about. I have an idea, thanks to some reoccurring dream I've been having lately, but I don't even know if that was a dream or not."
"Dream?"
"Yeah. It starts out with me running away from you... I don't know why. You're calling for me to come back, but I ignore you... then I run into an alleyway, and then I .. that's the nightmare/flashback part I used to have about when I got raped. That happens in the dream, right after I run from you..."
"That's.. that's all you remember?" he asks me, wiping away some more tears, which doesn't really do any good, as more keep coming.
"Oh God... Koushiro, did that really happen?"
He nodded. "Yes. I didn't know it was the same night you were.. you know.. though.. I didn't know at all."
"That's why I don't remember!" I said. "Anything associated with the night I was attacked, I tried to block out. I succeeded in most of it, which including whatever happened between you and me."
"You.. you really don't remember?"
I shook my head.
If I remembered Koushiro, then I would understand perfectly what you are talking about. And I have a hunch that if I knew, I wouldn't even be sitting in here right now. From the looks of things, I must have hurt you deeply.
For which I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I didn't mean to.
"I- I don't remember Koushiro. Why don't you tell me? What happened between us?"
"I.. you.."
"Koushiro?"
Damn!
"Yeah kaasan?" Koushiro replied, going over and opening his door.
"Tell your friend he has to leave. Dinner's ready."
Damn it all to hell! Stupid Izumi-kaasan!
"Allright, kaasan."
Koushiro shut the door as she walked away, then turned to me.
"See ya around.. Jyou," he said, no longer looking at me but instead at the ground again.
I sighed. "Yeah, see ya Koushiro," I muttered.
Damn the fates! Damn them!
I opened his door and left the room, heading back downstairs.
I hesitated to walk out the front door, because I was afraid that if I did, I would walk out of Koushiro's life forever. An irrational thought, I know that, but I'm allowed to be that way.
Finally I told myself I was being ridiculous, and opened the door and went out. Then I went straight to the park and sat underneath a tree and cried.
It's not fair! I was so close to finding out how Koushiro felt about me, and his stupid mom had to ruin it all!
And now I'm just more confused than ever. Obviously that dream I've been having is really a flashback, and I don't understand it one bit. What I do to hurt Koushiro? Why did I run from him? What the hell happened between us?
I mean, I've liked him for ages. I can't imagine doing anything that would deliberately hurt him. But when I went to see him just now, he was acting very bitter over something. But what could I have done?
Damn it all to hell! I hate this!
"Jyou?" a female voice said.
I looked up, sullenly wiping away my tears.
Hikari and another boy were standing over me.
I don't know who the boy was. He had cinnamon red hair that was as wild as Taichi's, although not nearly as large. However, it was chocolate brown eyes that were the most striking feature about him. They were very large and they always seemed to be twinkling, as if the boy knew nothing but how to be happy. He looked to be about Hikari's age and weight, and I'm assuming he was the same age as her. In a way, he was rather cute, although definitely too young for me. Besides, I'd feel like I was dating Takeru or Hikari or something.
"Jyou?" Hikari asked again.
"What?" I mumble, not wanting to put up with her sympathy right now.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, this is Jyou? From what Takeru said, and from what I've heard flying around school, I kinda pictured him to be different than this," the boy said, his chocolate brown eyes widening as he gave me the once over.
I blushed and looked at the ground.
"Daisuke!" Hikari hissed. "Behave or I'll get Takeru to punish you!"
"Punish me how?" he said, a trace of a smile in his voice.
"You know."
"No I don't. But whatever it is I'm sure I'll enjoy it."
"Oh God Daisuke! That's sick!"
I glanced up at them, rather confused.
"What are you two talking about?" I asked.
Hikari coughed delicately and the boy called Daisuke sweatdropped. "Ano.. nan demo nai!" he cried nervously.
I decided I didn't want to know.
"So what's wrong Jyou?" Hikari asked again, sitting down beside me. Daisuke sat on my other side.
I let out a sigh.
"Nan demo nai, Hikari."
The brown haired girl gave me a Look. "Yeah. Taichi says the same thing when something's bothering him. I never let him get away with it. Now tell me what's wrong."
God, such a demanding person.
"Well... it involves what I said in the Digital World. But I don't want to talk about it with this boy here."
"Why not?" Daisuke demanding, pretending to be hurt. "You don't trust me?"
"I don't know you."
"Well you could, if you'd kept in touch with all your Chosen friends," he said.
I raised an eyebrow and looked over at Hikari. "You told him about the Digital World?"
She shrugged. "Why not? We told Iori and Miyako too."
"Who are they?"
"Two other friends of ours."
"Oh. Well, anyways, I don't want to talk about with him here," I repeated.
She paused, frowned, then nodded. "Allright, but trust me, he wouldn't care one bit." She turned towards her friend. "Daisuke, you go ahead to Takeru's. I'll be there in a little bit."
"Aww... but Hikari-chan.."
"BAI, Daisuke."
"Hmph." He got up and walked off. When he was almost out of hearing range, he turned back towards us and yelled, "FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO WALK TO TAKERU'S WITH YOU ANYWAYS! I DON'T NEED YOU TO MAKE ME HAPPY! I HAVE TAKERU!"
She just shook and her head, muttering about getting him later.
"Is he your boyfriend?" I asked her.
She looked shocked. "No, Daisuke is.. well, didn't Takeru tell you about him?"
"No, I'd never heard of Daisuke until today. What about him?"
"Well, he and Takeru are going out."
"WHAT?! Takeru's gay?! I didn't know that!"
"He's not gay. He's bisexual. Daisuke's gay, though."
"Oh.. wonder why he looked so shocked when I said I was gay, then..." I mused.
She lifted one shoulder upwards, then lowered it. "Don' know. But he didn't care, though. No one did, really. I mean hell, Yamato and my brother are gay too."
"Yeah.." I had forgotten about that.
""So what's bothering you Jyou? Why were you crying?"
"Umm.." I really didn't want to tell her about Koushiro, but I was stuck for ideas.
"Well?"
"Ano..." Oh wait! "Well... I was just worried that nobody would like me now that they know I'm gay.. I didn't remember about Taichi and Yamato, and I didn't know about Takeru.."
"Oh. Jyou, you shouldn't have worried about that," she reassured. "Nobody cares, they really don't. Hell, out of the chosen and Daisuke and Miyako and Iori, you know how many of us are fully straight?"
I shook my head.
"Two."
I stared at her in disbelief.
"Two?"
"Yes," she confirmed. "Two. Mimi and Iori."
"Wha..."
"Exactly. Taichi, Yamato, Daisuke, Sora, and you are gay. Takeru, Miyako, and myself are bisexual. Like I said, Iori and Mimi are straight."
"Wha... what about Koushiro?" I asked, my voice catching slightly on his name. I don't think she noticed though.
"I-I don't know what he is," she confessed. "I've never seen him take interest in girls or guys ever."
"I have," I muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing. Just .. shocked at this news. It's a lot to swallow."
"Yeah. Well, I gotta get to Takeru's. I'm afraid him and Daisuke are going to be screwing each other silly before I get there."
"But they're only fourteen!" I cried out, shocked.
"They're certainly not virgins," she told me seriously.
"Oh.. geez.. mou!! Don't tell me that!" I exclaimed. "I didn't need to know!"
She laughed. "Sorry! Later, Jyou!"
"Bai." I waved as she stood and ran off.
I sat there under the tree for a long time after she left, thinking about all she had told me. Apparently no one was bothered by my being gay. While it wasn't why I had been crying, I hadn't been lying to Hikari altogether: it was bothering me some. But now that I know, I feel a lot better.
But Koushiro is just too damn confusing. On one hand, I'm inclined to think he's gay. I mean, why else would he kiss me twice? On the other hand, he's always avoiding me, as if he's ashamed of what we did. On the other hand, he did imply that I hurt him once before. He's probably afraid of getting hurt again. On the other hand..
ok, that's a bit too many hands. Maybe I shouldn't think about it anymore. It only leaves me feeling more confused than ever.
I want some smack.
NO! Jim just got onto you about it a few hours ago! You don't need it!
But I do! Every time I think about Koushiro I get this craving for heroin. I can't help it!
But you can.
Shutup! You're just a voice in my head. And you only seem to speak when I don't want you to. So just leave off!
Fine.
God, I would swear that voice is pouting.
"Jyou! Telephone for you!" mom's voice yelled at me from down the hall.
I sighed in irritation. "Who is it?" I shouted back, angry to be interrupted at what I was doing. It seemed that every time I tried to write in my journal, someone would always interrupt me.
"I don't know!" Mom called back.
"Well ask!"
I could picture her rolling her eyes as I heard her go to the telephone and ask who was calling.
"It's Daisuke!" she called.
My eyes narrowed in confusion. What the hell was he doing calling here? And how did he get my number?
Sighing, I went over to my phone and switched over to the main line before picking up.
"Hello?" I asked, as mom hung up the extension.
"Hey Jyou!" Daisuke's cheerful voice returned.
"Daisuke? Why are you calling me? I don't even know you!"
"You met me in the park, right?"
"Yeah..." I said slowly. This was so weird.
"Then you know me," he said.
"I know who you are, but I don't know you. I mean, I don't know a thing about you except you're going out with Takeru and you're not a virgin."
He snorted. "Hell of thing to know about me when you don't even know my last name."
"Hikari's the one that told me."
"I'll have to kill her later. Anyways, there's a purpose in this phone call! Let's get to it!"
Was he always this happy sounding? Mou...
"Well what then?" I asked.
"Look, Hikari, Miyako, Takechan, Yamato, Taichi, Koushiro, and myself are all going to the Digital World tomorrow to hang out for a few hours. Hikari told me what happened in there a few weeks ago, how you passed out for something or other. She wouldn't tell me what caused it though."
Thank God for small favors.
"She also said not to bug you about it, so I won't," he continued. THANK GOD FOR BIG FAVORS!! "-But she thought you might like to come with us to the Digital World. After all, me and Miyako will be the only ones there who aren't Chosen, so you'll know everybody else."
"Damn Daisuke," I moaned. "I just don't know.."
"Please? It's just for a few hours. Besides, Hikari said some old dude emailed her. He wants to upgrade your Digivice."
"Gennai-san?"
"Yeah. Him. And she said you never got to see Gomamon or whoever last time either. Come on Jyou," he wheedled. "It'll be fun!"
"Yeah, about as much fun as having a two hundred pound weight dropped on your foot," I muttered.
Daisuke laughed. It sounded strange over the phone. "Please Jyou? Just to see your friends, if for no other reason?"
I sighed. "Allright," I agreed, giving in. "I'll go. Where do we meet?"
"The Digital World, I guess."
"No we don't! We all end up in different places if we do that, not to mention I still have the old Digivice! I can't use that to get to the Digital World. My guess is we're meeting at the school."
"Oh."
"Look Daisuke, do you at least know what time we're meeting?" I asked, trying to keep patience. I get easily annoyed these days.
"No," he said sheepishly.
"Well you're a lot of help," I said sarcastically.
"Look, tell your boyfriend to call me, okay? Can you do that? You won't forget when you hang up the phone in about a hundred and twenty seconds?"
"No, I won't forget!" he sounded hurt, and I mean sincerely. Kinda strange. Maybe he gets called stupid a lot or something.
"Right. Well, then hang up the phone and call Takeru. Bai Daisuke."
"Hmph. Bai Jyou." He hung up.
Ten minutes later Takeru called me.
"Takeru?"'
"Yep. Daisuke said you wanted me to call you?"
"Yeah. He invited me to go to the Digital World tomorrow."'
"Oh. Glad to see he finally got around to it. Were you surprised to get a phone call from a stranger?"
"He wasn't a complete stranger. I met him in the park the other day. He was with Hikari."
"Oh. Well, he mentioned you had to ask me something about the trip tomorrow."
"Yeah. Where are we meeting, and what time?" I asked him.
"Um.... lessee... Up at Odaiba. Around ten o clock, I think. You might want to call Hikari and ask her. She's the one that set this up. I'm staying the night at her house tonight, so I didn't exactly need to remember the time."
"Allright. What's her number?"
He rattled off a long list of numbers that I quickly jotted down. All in all, I had about five different numbers I could try to reach her. One was her home number, her cell phone, the computer line for their house, the number for her and Taichi's room, and (of all things) Taichi's cell phone.
"Is that all?" I asked.
"Oh wait, no! Write this one down: 356-2017."
"356-2017," I repeated back. "What's that number?"
"Miyako's number."
"Miyako?"
"She might be over there," he explained. "She's over there a lot."
"Oh. Well, thanks Takeru. Later."
"Yeah. See ya tomorrow. And Jyou?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
"Um.. don't get mad.. I mean this is just a suggestion and all, but... you might not want to bring your-you know."
I knew. "I-I don't think I can do that Takeru. But I won't bring very much, if that makes you feel better."
"Well.. allright," he muttered. "Bai."
God, I must be an idiot. I can't believe I'm going to the Digital World tomorrow with people I once called friends. And Koushiro. He's gonna be there too. I don't want to face him.
I'm too scared.
Beep! Beep! Beep!
My hand shoots out from under the covers and slams down on my alarm clock, literally smashing the cheap thing to pieces and ultimately silencing it.
Groaning, I throw the covers back and swing my legs over the side of my bed, groggily trying to wake up.
Mou! It's too early to get up. I mean, it's only 8:30. I usually don't get up until about noon whenever I don't have to go to school.
However, unless I want to be late and piss everybody off, I should get up.
Letting out another groan, I stand up and began heading across the hall to the bathroom, wobbling as I do so.
When I get to the bathroom, I turn on the shower and strip while I wait for the water to heat up. Once I step in, though, I discovered I left the water on cold instead of hot, so I ended up freezing my ass off before the water turned hot after I switched it over.
I should have stayed in bed.
But that means not getting to see Koushiro, and this may be my last chance to make things right with him. I want this chance. I want to find out why he's so bitter towards me, and find a way to show him how much I really care for him.
|You can do what you want just seize the day
|What you're doing tomorrow's gonna
|come your way
|Don't you ever consider giving up,
|you will find, oooh|
It's not like that would ever happen though. I really should just give up. If he can have sex with me and still want to avoid and still be bitter, he's got to be a lost cause.
Why do I think I stand a chance with him?
Letting out a sigh, I rinse the last of the soap out my hair, then step out of the shower and walk back towards my room, towel wrapped around my waist.
On the way there, I trip over the phone cord in the hall and fall flat on my face.
Shades of the old Digital World days.
Maybe it's an omen.
God, now is not a good time to slip into my depressed mood again. Not when I have to face Koushiro.
NO! I CAN'T DO THIS!
I have to think positive today. Otherwise I really don't stand a chance with Koushiro. I promised myself last night before going to sleep that I would make the best of today, no matter how it turned out.
I can't go back on that promise now.
I can't lie to myself. That's one of the reasons I'm already so fucked up.
As Jim used to say, I need to lift my spirits and look on the bright side of things.
I dress quickly and once again throw some things into my backpack.
Extra clothes, snacks, lubricant (hey, I didn't think I'd have a reason for it last time and look what happened!), a considerable less amount of heroin this time, my pills of course, the inhaler, the usual junk I really have no need for but can't seem to do without, you know, that kind of stuff.
By 9:15 I was completely ready to go. It took about fifteen or so minutes to get to the school, so I had a whole thirty minutes left.
What to do with all that time?
|Take a walk in the park when you feel down
|There's so many things there
|that's gonna lift you up
|See the nature in bloom a laughing child
|Such a dream, oooh|
I ended up going back to that same tree in the park I had spent the other day under, crying because I was so afraid I had lost Koushiro.
I don't know why I went there.
I didn't need to.
With my luck, I'd think about Koushiro and get all depressed again and then I'd be a wreck in the Digital World and how would I talk to Koushiro then?
But nonetheless, I couldn't seem to make myself go anywhere than under the tree in the park.
Besides, it was nice and peaceful there early in the morning, and it actually made me feel at peace with myself, feel happy and relaxed, emotions I hadn't felt in God knows how long.
Of course, when you feel like you don't fit in anywhere and that you're all alone in the world and you are the lowest scum on earth and don't deserve to live, it's kinda hard to feel good about yourself, and feel happy.
Maybe Koushiro will help me want to live again. If I can make things right with him, that is. If I can't, I might as well kill myself then and there.
|You're looking for somewhere to belong
|You're standing all alone
|for someone to guide you on your way
|Now and forever|
"Jyou?"
I look up. "Koushiro..." I breathe. "What are you doing here?"
He shrugged. "I was cutting through the park on my way to the school and I saw you. Why are you here?"
Now it was my turn to shrug. "Just sitting here."
"Oh. Are you coming to the Digital World with us?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Well... wanna... wanna walk with me?" he asked, almost shyly.
I looked at him in shock. Koushiro was actually asking me to be around him? I thought all he wanted to do was avoid me. Maybe I really do stand a chance with him..
praying praying praying!!!
He offers his hand out to me, and I take it, using his support to pull myself up off the ground.
|I have tried to get to know you
|To get you off my mind
|It feels like going back in time
|And snap, I see your figure once again
|My deja vu everything is up to you|
We walk to the school, not saying much important. He mostly just talks about what the Chosen have been up to these past six years, carefully avoiding the subject we really want to discuss. He knows now is not a good time, as do I.
I'm surprised to find I have supposedly met Miyako once before.
"I have?" I ask him, raising an eyebrow.
He nods. "Yeah. You don't remember? Me and her and Hikari and Mimi were in the mall one time, and we ran into you, and I introduced you to her? You don't remember?"
I shook my head. "Describe her to me?"
"Well, she's changed a lot from when you last saw her. Now she has short purple hair, and she's very tall, almost as tall as you, and very thin and effeminate. Great fashion sense, wears purple colored contacts. When you saw her, she had long hair, bad fashion sense, glasses, she wasn't fat, but she wasn't stick thin like now, and she was only about average height," he explained.
"Hmm..." I frown. "I don't remember her. I don't remember much of anything these days. All this shit my body has endured has kind of screwed with my senses."
He went silent at that, and I feared I had said to much, until he said, "you really can't remember her? She looks a lot Hikari now, except her hair and eye color, and she's a little thinner."
"I.. I don't remember her. Sorry."
"Oh well. You'll meet her soon anyways. She's a really great person. I can see why Hikari likes her."
Well this was news to me. I knew she was bisexual, but.. Miyako? One of her friends? Is there any one of us that likes someone outside the group? Because I like Koushiro, he acts like he likes me, Takeru and Daisuke are together, Hikari likes Miyako, Mimi likes me, Sora likes me, and Taichi and Yamato are together. That would leave Miyako and that other boy, Iori.
"Hikari likes Miyako?"
"Yeah. She's bisexual. You didn't know that?"
"No, I knew. I just didn't know she liked one of her friends. What about Miyako? Does she like Hikari back?"
"Nobody knows. We can't figure out. It's driving Hikari insane. I think she really likes Miyako a lot, about as much as Takeru and Daisuke like each other."
I groaned. "Please don't mention the name Daisuke around me," I muttered.
"What?" he glanced over at me. "Why not?"
"Because the only two things I know about him aren't the most pleasant things in the world to know about someone you met in the park not three days ago."
"What things?"
"That he's dating Takeru and he's not a virgin."
Koushiro laughed. "Well neither are you."
"I know, but.. he's younger.. it's just kinda... weird. I mean... assuming he's Takeru and Hikari's age.. fourteen?"
"I'm only sixteen since a few weeks ago, Jyou," Koushiro pointed out quietly.
"I know.. but you've always seemed more mature than your age.. you could handle losing your virginity at fifteen.. if you understand what I'm trying to say."
We were treading on thin ice now, and I had to be careful not to step on the wrong crack and fall through.
"What I mean Koushiro, is that.." I paused for a moment, trying to word my words right, "is that they could just be doing whatever it is they do out of lust, and not out of love or something close to love."
"Who says when I gave myself up to you, it wasn't out of lust?" Koushiro asked, and he sounded angry. We had fallen through, and we had to get out quickly, less we get frozen.
"No, I mean I'm not saying you did what you did with me out of love! I'm not saying anything like that at all! I didn't mean to imply..."
"Then what did you mean?" he demanded, and he still sounded mad. The ice is just too damn slippery to climb back up on.
"I meant just they could be doing it out of lust.."
"And it's your business because..?"
Luckily the school came in view just then, and saved me from further words.
|I'm a loser, that is a fact for sure
|I'm happy even if you don't want
|To invite me out for a dance tonight
|I'm not normal, I know it, I don't care|
The others greeted us cheerful, Daisuke a little too cheerfully if you ask me. I spotted Miyako immediately. I could easily see why Hikari was attracted to her. She was very pretty, much as Koushiro described her.
I also spotted another boy who I assumed to be Iori. He was rather on the short side, and he had green eyes and brown hair. He looked younger than the others, maybe twelve or thirteen at most. I wondered how they met him.
Anyways, soon as we arrived, Koushiro went over to where Taichi and Yamato were, ignoring me completely.
That's when I knew I had completely blew it with him.
Mou! I'm such an idiot. I should have never brought up that thing about Daisuke. I knew it was a dangerous subject! I knew it! And I totally ruined the good feelings I had just being nearing him again! Baka baka baka!
Mou, how can I keep doing that to myself? EVERY chance I get with him, I totally ruin it!
When will I ever learn?
"Well, now that Jyou and Koushiro are here, I think we're ready to go," Takeru spoke up, interrupting my self-loathing.
"What? Are we all ready to depart?" Taichi said, looking around.
"Yep. Come on everybody, gather around the computer. Miyako, take Hikari's left hand. Iori, take her right. Jyou, take Koushiro's hand," Takeru instructed us.
What? Me take Koushiro's hand?
Before I even had time to react, though, Koushiro had come over next to me and grabbed my hand.
I closed my hand around his nervously, giving him a shaky smile, which he didn't return, further proving my suspicions that I had blown it with him.
Takeru took out his Digivice, and just as he was about to open the gate, Daisuke interrupted him. "Takechan, can I open the gate?"
Takeru raised an eyebrow. "You're not a Chosen."
"Please?" he pleaded, giving the blond a begging puppy dog look. "I can try."
"Well here then," Takeru said, handing over his Digivice with a small amused smile.
Daisuke took it, grinned "thanks Takechan!" and held it up to the computer.
"Digital Gate, Open!" he said. To everybody's surprise, it worked and we were all whisked away to the Digital World.
Once we got there, Koushiro let go out of my hand, leaving me feeling strangely disappointed rather than hurt.
|I wanna see you dancing naked
|I wanna see you touch the moon
|But when I try to reach your fingers
|You just vanish into air
|I wanna feel you with my senses
|'Cause I'm almost sure the texture
|of your skin
|Is gonna tell me who you are|
"Wow! It's so great to be back!" Daisuke exclaimed, causing everyone except one to give him a strange look.
Takeru just snorted at that remark and whisphered something in his ear, causing the cinnamon haired boy to turn a lovely shade of red.
I decided never to ask.
"You've been here before Daisuke?" that girl Miyako asked him.
"Um, yes. Um, Takeru *ahem* took me here," he said, casting a sly glance at the boy beside him.
"In more ways than one, I presume?" Iori asked sarcastically.
"Of course!" he exclaimed, flashing what I later learned from Takeru was his trademark grin.
I groaned. "You guys are weird," I said.
"No weirder 'n you Jyou!"
I winced. If only Daisuke knew...
I caught Koushiro giving me a sympathetic glance, which only served to confuse me more. I thought he was mad at me...?
Apparently he can't make up his mind.
I wish he would though! It's driving me absolutely crazy not being able to figure him out.
"Allright" once again Taichi was taking charge "unlike last time when us Chosen were here, this time we don't all have to stay together. You can go off, do whatever you want, leave when you want. Just let me know when you're leaving, so when the rest of us leave we don't spend hours looking for you. Miyako, Iori and Daisuke: since none of you are Chosen, I'd prefer it if you stuck with someone who is a Chosen, someone who knows the Digital World well and has a Digivice. Jyou: you're welcome to go off by yourself if you want. When you want to leave, I'll send you with someone who has a Digivice, or you can also go see if Gennai-san is around and is willing to upgrade your Digivice. Are we al clear on this?"
"YES!" Everyone chorused.
"Good!" Taichi clapped his hands together. "Then let's all enjoy ourselves and anyone who hasn't left meet back here in five hours! See you lot later!"
For some reason, this gives me the feeling of being in summer camp. I mean, Taichi's acting exactly like some camp counselor or something.
I watched as everyone slowly drifted off in several directions, until eventually Koushiro and I were the only ones left standing in the clearing.
I wonder if I have the guts to talk to him now, or if he'll even listen to me. Probably not, but I can't be sure anymore. I can't be sure of anything. I just... I wish I knew what kind of a chance I had with Koushiro! I miss him so badly. I miss holding him, kissing him, talking to him, I miss being his friend. I want things to be the way they were six years ago.
|I wanna hold you like I used to
|I wanna feel you in my blood
|I wonder why I do confess this
|To myself all the time
|I know the time is working against us
|But I'll long for you the rest of my whole life
|Like a prisoner of hope|
"So what do you want to do?" Koushiro asked, turning towards me.
"I want to straighten things out," I said softly.
"Huh?" he asked in confusion, although I didn't miss the dark look that passed briefly over his face. He heard me. He knew what I was talking about.
"I want to- to straighten things out between us, Koushiro. I'm tired of this. I can't deal with it anymore. I swear I'm gonna go crazy trying to figure out whether you hate me or like me! You give me the impression that you're bitter over something I did to hurt you, but I don't even know what it was I did! Couldn't you at least tell me so I won't beat myself over the head trying to remember?"
"You really wanna know, Jyou? You really wanna know why I'm so bitter towards you?" he asked angrily. "You wanna know why I seem to hate you so much?"
"Yes I do!"
"It's because I do hate you!" he cried. "I hate you, that's why I act like it!"
Appalled, I watched as he slid to the ground, crying slightly. However, I don't believe that he really hates me.
Walking over to him, I sink down beside him and reach out my hand towards his face. He shies away, which I sorta expected but it still hurt nonetheless.
"Why Koushiro? Why do you hate me so much? What did I do?"
"You abandoned me," he whisphered.
"How? How do I abandon you?"
"You ran. You ran from me! You didn't even come back.. not ever.. not for four years.."
"Koushiro, you're not making any sense to me. Please, can't you tell me why I left you?"
"You think I know?" he shouted into my face. "You think I know why you left me? Don't you think I've sat and tried to analyze it all these four years? It doesn't make any sense! You were giving off all the signs, everything was pointing to your liking me, it's not like I had anything to lose. I didn't think you'd hurt me like that. I guess I was wrong..."
Ooookaaaaayyy.. I think I'm starting to get some idea of what happened between us. And if what he's implying is right, then I can see why he'd hate me so much..
"Koushiro..."
"I told you," he said quietly. "I told you that I loved you and you ran..... I guess you were scared.. I don't know. But it hurt so much! I couldn't understand why you rejected me. And then you didn't even talk to me for another four years. And when you did, you gave no clue that you acknowledged what happened between us.. I was so confused trying to figure it out all the time.. and time went by and you never said anything and I started hating you more and more.."
"Koushiro.." I said, pained. "I don't know what I can say that can take back the pain-"
"Nothing," he told me bitterly. "Absolutely nothing."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I don't know why I would have ran, except maybe what you suggested, that I was scared. But whatever I may have thought then, I certainly don't think it now. If you were to tell me you loved me, I wouldn't run. Not this time. I won't make the same mistake twice."
"Oh what? So now I'm just supposed to forget you ever hurt me, accept your apology, and tell you I still love you? That's supposed to make everything better?"
"NO! That's not it Koushiro! Nothing will make what happened better. I know that. And I don't want you to forget that I hurt you. I'm not asking that. All I'm saying is that I want to make it up to you, and prove that I didn't mean to hurt you. Trust me, if I had remembered that day, and I hadn't gotten raped, I would have came back. I really would have. Please believe me Koushiro."
"Why? So you can hurt me again?"
"I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!" I shouted. "God, I want- I want.. I want to love you," I said. And promptly started to cry.
There. I said it. I finally admitted it to myself. I love Koushiro. All this time when I couldn't say it, no matter how much I knew it was true, all the time it kept building up inside me-I finally released it. And it's amazing how much lighter I feel now.
Koushiro looked pained at making me cry, but he didn't give in. "If you love me, then why did you run?"
"I don't know!" I wailed. "I told you, I can't hardly remember that night except in nightmares, and the only thing other than the rape was the running away from you. I don't remember anything before that! Please Koushiro, don't reject me. I need you," I begged. "You are the only thing that is keeping me sane."
"I thought I was making you go insane."
"No, the fact that I couldn't figure you out was. Please, just-"
I was cut off by a pair of soft lips being pressed firmly against mine. His tongue begin to seek entrance, which I gladly granted. I let out a low moan as he begins to suck at my lower lip, and reach my hands out and pull his body closer to mine.
I don't even have time to wonder why he's doing this since he claims to hate me. I'm too caught up in the rush of emotions I experienced just by having Koushiro so close to me again.
|I wanna see you dancing naked
|I wanna see you touch the moon
|But when I try to reach your fingers
|You just vanish into air
|I wanna feel you with my senses
|'Cause I'm almost sure the texture
|of your skin
|Is gonna tell me who you are|
We finally break apart for oxygen then, and I lean backwards a little, staring into his eyes. I'm surprised by his actions. "Koushiro-" but he gently placed a finger to my lips.
"Shh," he whisphered. "Don't ask. Just trust me. Okay?"
I nodded.
He tilted his face upwards, capturing my lips in another fierce kiss as he slowly began to slide his hands under my shirt.
Little chills raced up and down my spine at such intimate contact. We were taking it a lot slower than last time, now that our initial frenzy to be so close had already been fulfilled once before.
Koushiro broke off from me momentarily and carefully eased my shirt up over my head. Then he kissed me once more, making me gasp as he moved lower and caught a pale nipple in his mouth, torturously licking and sucking at it, teasing.
"Koushiro..mou..." I groaned.
He laughed and pulled his own shirt off, then started unbuttoning my pants, sending more tremors along my spine.
I can't believe Koushiro is willing to do this with me, especially after I hurt him so badly. Hell, I can't believe he let me take him before or even-even talk to me! If he had done something like that to me and I didn't know why and didn't hear from him in years, I know I would be most upset.
Anyways, just to shorten the story a little, and so I won't bore you with all the kissing and teasing, I'll cut to the part where Koushiro entered me.
It hurt, God it hurt! It was the first time someone had ever screwed me in that way, and it hurt so badly! But at the same time, it felt.. kinda good. The pleasure was there, although most of it was lost in the immense amount of pain and the mix of emotions I was experiencing. But I didn't mind. Just having Koushiro inside me was enough, and as he continued to thrust into me the pain got less and the pleasure became more.
Not to mention I about lost control of myself when he grasped my pulsating cock firmly and began to pump me. After that, it didn't take for me to come at all. And when I did, I just went completely limp. I was exhausted. I didn't even feel Koushiro come inside me a few minutes later, I was too drained.
Koushiro collapsed on top of me after making a slightly painful exit.
We lay there in contented silence for quite some time, not saying anything, just riding out our roller coaster of emotions.
It's some time later as I am about to drift off into sleep that I hear Koushiro's mumbled, "I still love you Jyou."
"I love you too," I whispher back, then smile softly as I hear the steady breathing meaning he's asleep.
Everything will be allright now, I hope. Koushiro loves me, he said it, and he's obviously willing to give me another chance.
Just that thought causes so many of my worries and depressed thoughts to depart from my troubled mind, and actually give me hope of overcoming my depression altogether. I hadn't realized so much of my bad feelings had stemmed from not being able to figure Koushiro out.
But it doesn't matter now. I have Koushiro, he's here with me, and I swear that as long as I live I will never do anything to hurt him again.
I went through so much pain, and it wasn't fun. I don't want to experience so much pain anymore.
God Koushiro, you don't know how much it means to me to have you forgive me.
One last time I whispher the words I used to have so much trouble admitting, "I love you Koushiro," then sink into a peaceful sleep, for once not having nightmares, but instead wonderful dreams of Koushiro.
~Well done Jyou~ Fred whisphered. ~It took you long enough~
"Shutup Fred."
|They say the time has come for us
|to start again
|I believe that's true
|They say the time has come for us
|to make amends
|And I believe that too|
~finis~
© 2001 butterflie November 30, 2001 Friday 12:08 am
Okay, I guess that was kinda sappy and a sorta abrupt ending, but I've been working on this thing since august and it's time it was finished. I mean, it's only a one-shot! But was it good? Please let it be good! I know it's better in the beginning and that after he ODs, the writing just kinda goes downhill, but that is due to this bad case of writers block I have! I'm sorry! I'd make it go away if I could! Anyways, maybe there will be a sequel to this someday.. I mean, it's a possibility. Especially with the ending the way it was. Well anyways, enough babbling. Review and tell me what you think! Thanks!
~Crimson Goddess~
(waii! Now I have to blow out my candle and go to bed.. I don' wanna! Candle smell nice... nighty-night! luv you all!)
1 *This happens to me all the time. Does anyone else ever feel that sort of dizzy feeling, where everything seems to be standing still except for yourself?