Has it been almost two months!?
I really really meant to post the rest of my trip. Originally I figured two more long posts would cover everything. It was a major trip for me. Not a vacation... it was HARD. Stressful at points. I can't say that it was either good, or bad... it was a solid mixture of both. It was difficult. Being nearly sick with a cold or whatever it actually was... dis balanced emotionally and my anxiety in full force about my car and the trip home... well at points it overwhelmed me to extremes. I'm sure that got to Courtney at times, but there wasn't much I could really do about that except try not to let it show too much. I did try....
The trip in Ohio was bad. Well not all bad but... damn. It's a hell I wouldn't want to go through again, and if I had the choice to make again... I probably would have kept my mouth shut about everything. I used to bury my emotions very quickly, subdue any of my own will as it was what was expected of me by my family. In MY family.... emotions = BAD BAD BAD! One simply doesn't show them if avoidable. *sighs* Jennyi, Leo, Courtney, Colin, Beth, Lena, Kes, well... others too... you know who you are *winks* Really tried to pull me out of that safe zone and have encouraged me in their own way's (mostly without even knowing it) to keep trying to extrovert those emotions and share things. I probably wouldn't have had such a bad time of it in Ohio this trip if I held onto that near apathy.
It hurt really bad. I had hoped Colin would prove to be not just an illusion I've been worshiping for years. I was terrified to allow him to become real because I NEEDED someone to save me and I thought he could be that. Reality is harsh. Truth painful. Honesty... brutal. There was no mercy, there was no hero waiting, there was no encompassing meaningful realization.... there was just me.
For a moment I dared to hope Colin would realize I wasn't alright and would come back... of course that isn't realistic. It did finally get through to me though that I wasn't ever going to have that. Every negative thing I had ever felt about myself came crawling out of the darkness to laugh and point and twist my perception until I just wanted physical pain to punish myself for daring to hope, to love, or to even think that I could have a future.
Alone still.
In the dark, crying again.
The pain I hadn't counted on though. It had been SO long since I felt that kind of absolute pain through every part of my being until I couldn't stand up, breathe, I just wanted to be dead and have it over with. Not even Leo tore me up so badly. I'd have screamed but I couldn't... I couldn't do anything but curl up in the corner of the hotel room in the dark sobbing for something like seven hours while I was SUPPOSED to be getting sleep for my drive to NC.
Finally I realized that I was making myself sick again, I couldn't continue crying like that... so I turned the shower on cold and stepped in. I fell down... kept crying for I'm not sure how long... but... eventually I started to shake so bad my body kind of just took over and it forced me to stop. Eventually I realized I was in no shape to go driving seven hours anywhere, but I dreaded the call to Courtney. Sometimes I don't think she truly understands me and I know as much as she was looking forward to things... I didn't want to disappoint her further. I just wanted to be home... to grieve. To cry, to die. *shrugs* I'm sorry to say it but yes, that's honesty.
So I stayed one more day. Cried myself to exhaustion, passed out finally, and was able to get myself together enough to function on some level. I almost crashed again later when I talked to Colin and realized I shouldn't have bothered. He was busy I was just interrupting the whole time I was there pretty much so... part of me wonders why he even tried. Well I know it's not quite so extreme as all that... but that is rather the unintended impression I got the whole time. *sighs*
So... later on the night before I had to leave we had dinner together in my hotel room. Ultimately I left feeling... confused. The issues with Colin are complex honesty and a lot of it I simply will NOT go into detail about here. Still... I don't doubt he cares about me anymore. I will never doubt that again. I'm just not sure it's enough anymore. Reality slapping me in the face so hard... well... I feel like even if things were different, he doesn't want the same things as I do really. Then there is the fact that I feel... unimportant in comparison to his very busy (evidently very popular) life. So I have serious reservations about what the smart choice to make is going to be. No question about my feelings for him, as I've said hundreds of times... love isn't always enough. And when it isn't, it can hurt pretty badly.
So I found myself in the morning feeling very alone, and very quietly shaken and afraid, the confusion hadn't quite set in at that point. I had to get my car looked at. Which went okay I suppose... the drive was good for the most part until I hit the tunnels which.... instapanicattackomgnowayamievergonnadothatagain! yeah. tunnels + Michelle's = PANIC!!!! Finally got there and I felt so very very good to finally have Courtney there.... ACTUALLY THERE with me!!!!! O.o I really didn't realize how much I missed her until I finally got to hug her and damn is she looking good! >.< I'm jealous. hehehe.
I was tired, still wasn't feeling all that great so I just got my room card and went to lay down until she got off work. Courtney put up with a lot of moodiness from me I think because of the Ohio thing... Courtney and I are like... oil and water honestly. Very different but we find way's to get along even when we aren't really getting along. It's great. =P The trip was hard for me though because we talked a lot about uncomfortable things. Meh. I expected that and needed it even if I didn't always like it.
Got my toes painted.... Never did anything like that before. And my eyebrows done. I hate my normal bushy eyebrows. I need to go in this paycheck and get both done again... unfortunately I still haven't located a place I'm comfortable with. *sighs* I also got my hair cut... but most importantly I BOUGHT ALL NEW CLOTHES! I will admit at first it felt awkward... now it feels right. They fit better, they are my size (instead of four sizes too big for me) and it looks far more professional than what I was wearing before. ^_^ Thank you Courtney!
I will say this... I LOVE Hampton Inn's. Both of them were wonderful (and the first one even messed up my room but was still a great stay!) If any of you ever have a chance to stay there, DO! Awesome wonderful place to stay. It was fun. I got to visit with some of Courtney's friends and family and I miss them already. I can't wait to visit again! I hope they didn't hate me.... which might be the case because I wasn't at my best that trip. :/ I'll say this her family has some CUTE kids! O.o seriously... wow. Plus any negative feelings I had left from what happened before when I was down there.... well Courtney's mom actually gave me a hug!!! I almost cried. hehehe. Yeah those feelings are gone. I love her family (well always did) it was nice to see everyone doing okay!
Best yet I got to see Samantha and her very very very (I do wish to emphasize very) cute baby boy Gavin. I got to hold him, such a sweetie! *melts* And she's looking good! I'm not sure about our friendship... so much has changed I suppose.... but I really hope I can visit her again too. I missed her. Unfortunately Gavin ended up in the hospital with some kind of infection!!!!! Very scary.... evidently he's okay now but... I don't know. That's just scary.
Courtney.... she probably is the person who knows me second best (next to Colin) so it was nice to finally be able to actually renew that friendship in person face to face (which is so much different than over the phone)
OH CRAP! lol. I need to call her! >.< I've been so fucked up lately (emotionally / mentally) I haven't been answering my phone for anyone. *sighs*
Part of me is so lonely and so empty feeling I don't know why I am still trying to 'improve' anything in my life... honestly I'm not even sure what I want anymore as everything came crashing down around me and nothing matters anymore. It's all pointless. All those negative things about myself... it makes it pointless to try. I can't ask anyone to even THINK about being with me ever again. Not in any way that counts at least. So that's it for me. Everything I wanted out of life... I can't have. Those dreams... those hopes... they are gone. Dead. They were delusions I had about somehow being saved, being loved, and having my family in the end. This isn't a fairytale and it doesn't work that way. There is no happy ever after, there is no gold at the end of this rainbow. Just death.
Quite frankly I'm just tired of the hurt and my only outlet was taken from me when I made a single stupid promise I never should have made again.... ever. Now I'm not sure how to cope or move forward but... whatever. I'm here. Eventually everyone will stop giving a damn about that fact and I won't have to be anymore.
The trip in Ohio was bad. Well not all bad but... damn. It's a hell I wouldn't want to go through again, and if I had the choice to make again... I probably would have kept my mouth shut about everything. I used to bury my emotions very quickly, subdue any of my own will as it was what was expected of me by my family. In MY family.... emotions = BAD BAD BAD! One simply doesn't show them if avoidable. *sighs* Jennyi, Leo, Courtney, Colin, Beth, Lena, Kes, well... others too... you know who you are *winks* Really tried to pull me out of that safe zone and have encouraged me in their own way's (mostly without even knowing it) to keep trying to extrovert those emotions and share things. I probably wouldn't have had such a bad time of it in Ohio this trip if I held onto that near apathy.
It hurt really bad. I had hoped Colin would prove to be not just an illusion I've been worshiping for years. I was terrified to allow him to become real because I NEEDED someone to save me and I thought he could be that. Reality is harsh. Truth painful. Honesty... brutal. There was no mercy, there was no hero waiting, there was no encompassing meaningful realization.... there was just me.
For a moment I dared to hope Colin would realize I wasn't alright and would come back... of course that isn't realistic. It did finally get through to me though that I wasn't ever going to have that. Every negative thing I had ever felt about myself came crawling out of the darkness to laugh and point and twist my perception until I just wanted physical pain to punish myself for daring to hope, to love, or to even think that I could have a future.
Alone still.
In the dark, crying again.
The pain I hadn't counted on though. It had been SO long since I felt that kind of absolute pain through every part of my being until I couldn't stand up, breathe, I just wanted to be dead and have it over with. Not even Leo tore me up so badly. I'd have screamed but I couldn't... I couldn't do anything but curl up in the corner of the hotel room in the dark sobbing for something like seven hours while I was SUPPOSED to be getting sleep for my drive to NC.
Finally I realized that I was making myself sick again, I couldn't continue crying like that... so I turned the shower on cold and stepped in. I fell down... kept crying for I'm not sure how long... but... eventually I started to shake so bad my body kind of just took over and it forced me to stop. Eventually I realized I was in no shape to go driving seven hours anywhere, but I dreaded the call to Courtney. Sometimes I don't think she truly understands me and I know as much as she was looking forward to things... I didn't want to disappoint her further. I just wanted to be home... to grieve. To cry, to die. *shrugs* I'm sorry to say it but yes, that's honesty.
So I stayed one more day. Cried myself to exhaustion, passed out finally, and was able to get myself together enough to function on some level. I almost crashed again later when I talked to Colin and realized I shouldn't have bothered. He was busy I was just interrupting the whole time I was there pretty much so... part of me wonders why he even tried. Well I know it's not quite so extreme as all that... but that is rather the unintended impression I got the whole time. *sighs*
So... later on the night before I had to leave we had dinner together in my hotel room. Ultimately I left feeling... confused. The issues with Colin are complex honesty and a lot of it I simply will NOT go into detail about here. Still... I don't doubt he cares about me anymore. I will never doubt that again. I'm just not sure it's enough anymore. Reality slapping me in the face so hard... well... I feel like even if things were different, he doesn't want the same things as I do really. Then there is the fact that I feel... unimportant in comparison to his very busy (evidently very popular) life. So I have serious reservations about what the smart choice to make is going to be. No question about my feelings for him, as I've said hundreds of times... love isn't always enough. And when it isn't, it can hurt pretty badly.
So I found myself in the morning feeling very alone, and very quietly shaken and afraid, the confusion hadn't quite set in at that point. I had to get my car looked at. Which went okay I suppose... the drive was good for the most part until I hit the tunnels which.... instapanicattackomgnowayamievergonnadothatagain! yeah. tunnels + Michelle's = PANIC!!!! Finally got there and I felt so very very good to finally have Courtney there.... ACTUALLY THERE with me!!!!! O.o I really didn't realize how much I missed her until I finally got to hug her and damn is she looking good! >.< I'm jealous. hehehe.
I was tired, still wasn't feeling all that great so I just got my room card and went to lay down until she got off work. Courtney put up with a lot of moodiness from me I think because of the Ohio thing... Courtney and I are like... oil and water honestly. Very different but we find way's to get along even when we aren't really getting along. It's great. =P The trip was hard for me though because we talked a lot about uncomfortable things. Meh. I expected that and needed it even if I didn't always like it.
Got my toes painted.... Never did anything like that before. And my eyebrows done. I hate my normal bushy eyebrows. I need to go in this paycheck and get both done again... unfortunately I still haven't located a place I'm comfortable with. *sighs* I also got my hair cut... but most importantly I BOUGHT ALL NEW CLOTHES! I will admit at first it felt awkward... now it feels right. They fit better, they are my size (instead of four sizes too big for me) and it looks far more professional than what I was wearing before. ^_^ Thank you Courtney!
I will say this... I LOVE Hampton Inn's. Both of them were wonderful (and the first one even messed up my room but was still a great stay!) If any of you ever have a chance to stay there, DO! Awesome wonderful place to stay. It was fun. I got to visit with some of Courtney's friends and family and I miss them already. I can't wait to visit again! I hope they didn't hate me.... which might be the case because I wasn't at my best that trip. :/ I'll say this her family has some CUTE kids! O.o seriously... wow. Plus any negative feelings I had left from what happened before when I was down there.... well Courtney's mom actually gave me a hug!!! I almost cried. hehehe. Yeah those feelings are gone. I love her family (well always did) it was nice to see everyone doing okay!
Best yet I got to see Samantha and her very very very (I do wish to emphasize very) cute baby boy Gavin. I got to hold him, such a sweetie! *melts* And she's looking good! I'm not sure about our friendship... so much has changed I suppose.... but I really hope I can visit her again too. I missed her. Unfortunately Gavin ended up in the hospital with some kind of infection!!!!! Very scary.... evidently he's okay now but... I don't know. That's just scary.
Courtney.... she probably is the person who knows me second best (next to Colin) so it was nice to finally be able to actually renew that friendship in person face to face (which is so much different than over the phone)
OH CRAP! lol. I need to call her! >.< I've been so fucked up lately (emotionally / mentally) I haven't been answering my phone for anyone. *sighs*
Part of me is so lonely and so empty feeling I don't know why I am still trying to 'improve' anything in my life... honestly I'm not even sure what I want anymore as everything came crashing down around me and nothing matters anymore. It's all pointless. All those negative things about myself... it makes it pointless to try. I can't ask anyone to even THINK about being with me ever again. Not in any way that counts at least. So that's it for me. Everything I wanted out of life... I can't have. Those dreams... those hopes... they are gone. Dead. They were delusions I had about somehow being saved, being loved, and having my family in the end. This isn't a fairytale and it doesn't work that way. There is no happy ever after, there is no gold at the end of this rainbow. Just death.
Quite frankly I'm just tired of the hurt and my only outlet was taken from me when I made a single stupid promise I never should have made again.... ever. Now I'm not sure how to cope or move forward but... whatever. I'm here. Eventually everyone will stop giving a damn about that fact and I won't have to be anymore.