(no subject)
With New Year's Eve steadily approaching, I've decided to update my journal this time on what I've learned this year.
Well I learned that my cousins are slowly drifting from the rest of our family. When I say cousins, I mean Craig and Kelly. I love both of my cousins, but it upsets me nonetheless when it seems Kelly would rather spend time with Phil. I like Phil, don't get me wrong, I'm just afraid they're spending too much time together, and if that crush phase wears off, then they're going to end up seeing each other's flaws and they're going to get on each other's nerves. I do want to say though that I haven't seen my cousin this happy in a while, so if she's going to be a little distant, so be it. I would also like to add that if he would hurt her, I wouldn't hesistate to rip his balls off. As for Craig...That's a whole different story entirely. He's simply getting older. Craig and I share a bit of the same mentality. We both like to spend a lot of time with our friends, and we are more independent than the rest of our family. Craig and I are both pretty artistic, though we use different mediums. He likes the canvas and paints and paper and pencil, whereas I choose words. But Aunt Cheryl is worried about Craig. I guess I can understand why. I mean he's taken up smoking, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's a bad person. She just doesn't want him to grow up, that's all.
Sometimes, though it may sound horrible, tragedy can bring people closer together. Like the Kelli Jackson table for instance. Frannie's passing at first it seemed would tear us apart. The more that we thought about it, we realized that maybe, we should go our separate ways. I wasn't the first to think of this, but I was the first to say that I was leaving the table. Everyone else decided to leave as well, and that led us to the strongest we've been the entire time we've had the table. We are now the Frannie Martin table, and I couldn't be happier. Frances and I got to be a lot closer this year, it turns out we have a lot in common. Lindsey seems to be a bit more distant this year, but I think it's because of the simple fact that she's in college now, and that's okay. Kelli's a little distant this year too. Maybe everyone's just growing up. Maybe I'm getting left behind.
I think Frannie's death truly affected me, and it also affected the people around me. It made enemies forget about their problems for a minute and it let them grieve together. It let them realize that they don't have all the time in the world, and they shouldn't waste the time they have on petty problems that aren't going to affect them after high school. I miss Frannie so much, I don't know what I'm going to do without her, she was such a beautiful person, inside and out and my world won't be the same. I know that I'll eventually begin to deal with her death, but I'll never forget her or the many many things she taught me.
I got to know myself a little more this year. I got to know the person that's inside of me, just bursting to get out. I think I'm afraid to let it though. I don't think I want people to know the real me. I'm afraid they won't like "me". I don't even think my closest friends really know me. Deep down I'm a kind and honest person, and though I may try to convey that in my life as people see it, I don't think it gets out enough. I do honest to God care about what people think of me. Though I've tried so hard not to, I can't help it. I just want to please everyone I see and come up against in life. It holds me back, I know this. I've tried to stop it, a few people I know in life have tried to help me deal with this and make it go away. Their assistance and counseling have helped, but I still care. I don't know if it is a good thing that I do or not, but I do. I know that I'm not perfect, and I don't try to be, and I know that I can be a hypocrite, but who can't? If you say you aren't, you're lying. I am tired though of trying to please people, but like I said before, that's who I am. It doesn't make sense does it? I know. I know this will probably get me one of Kelli's "being a teenager" speeches. I've gotten the same one at least five times. But how can she say that when she is a teenager as well. I'm not by any means tearing her down, I'm just curious as to why she can say "it's called being a teenager" when I know she goes through some of the same things and questions herself in the same way that I do, and yet, she can't answer her own questions with "it's called being a teenager". I LOVE KELLI TO DEATH SO DON'T TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY. I started questioning alot of things about myself this year too. "What am I going to do when I grow up?" "Where will I go?" "Will I be the same person?" "Will I have the same friends?" I also questioned my love life this year. I questioned how I could love someone so much and not have them love me back. Then suddenly, one day, my dream came true, he told me he loved me. I was happy. I was so happy. I thought that God had finally given me a break. He'd given me a little light at the end of the tunnel. He'd opened a window just as I closed that door. Then one day, once again to my surprise, the window slammed in my face, then light burnt out and my break just ended. He cared about someone else. Fickle huh? It made me realize though, that I couldn't base my happiness on the love of one person. No, that doesn't make me care about him any less, it's going to take a while for this one to go away. But I'm still here, and I'm still going. It still hurts but I'm still breathing, you know?
Ah, I suppose that's all I have to say. If I forget anything, I'm sure I'll put it in future updates. Thanks for listening to me for yet another year.
Seasons Greetings.
Meggmo