PRIVATE: Chat with Hannah Abbot.
A conversation I won't ever forget.
Me: Having finished his preparations for the next day, on a whim, and a rumor, Lupin headed toward the 'Hufflepuff' area of the castle. The walls were brighter here, painted yellow. Candlesticks had the picture of the famed badger melded into the metal. He was looking for Miss Hannah Abbot, according to the grapevine, she was in grave need of some sort of support.
Hannah: Professor?
Me: Stopping in his tracks, he looked over. There was the girl he was searching for. "Hannah." He walked closer to her, already feeling the anguish that was wreaking havoc on her emotional state. He didn't need to say 'how are you?' or 'what's going on?' or 'I heard you're news through Dumbledore' or anything like that. He merely opened his arms, and wrapped the girl in a warm hug.
Hannah: Hannah was startled from her daze, by a voice calling her name. Surprised, she jumped up, whiping her tears on her sleeves, trying desperately to maintain some form of composure. As she recognized Professor Lupin, with his knowing, quiet eyes and his open arms, she let fall what little defense she'd been prepared to put up. She let out a sob, into his chest, as he hugged her, not knowing what to say only grateful for someone to hold onto.
Me: Comforting arms wrapped around the girl, one patted her on the back gently, the other holding her close. Lupin always found the best way to comfort others, especially younger others, was to go with his internal instinct. Hannah didn't seem the type to talk to, rather she just wanted someone to hold onto, something that wouldn't just walk off. Lupin could do that, he rubbed her back gently, making soft 'shhh' noises, knowing too well the pain of losing a loved one.
Hannah: Hannah wasn't sure how long she'd been crying before she finally let go of the person holding her. She took a step back, not sure if she felt embarrassed or not--not sure if she was capable of feeling anything she would have thought she'd feel in a situation such as this. For a moment all Hannah did was stare at the ground. Finally, gathering a little courage and scraping for what words she could find, she said, "I can't--I...I don't know what to do..." Her voice trailed off as fresh tears streamed down her face. "I want to go home...I want to wake up and find this all a terrible dream," she said finally looking Professor Lupin in the eyes. There was a type of compassion in those eyes, a compassion that spoke volume with out saying a word.
Me: He let the girl go slowly, then waited as she regained her composure. He didn't need to speak, not yet, he waited for her to be ready to talk. She needed to be the first one to speak in this situation. When she did speak, Lupin listened with full attention. He remained silent, until she had finished and then spoke with a gentle tone. "Losing a loved one, is the most terrible feeling. You're lost in the dark, and you have no idea where to turn." He gently wiped the new tears off her cheeks. "However, going home will not help you get through this. Trying to deny that it happened, will not help either." His voice was more gentle now. "Death, is like any other thing in this world, it is an experience. Stay here Hannah, work hard, know you're making him proud, and let yourself feel the sadness." He looked back to her, a knowing glance cast in her direction.
Hannah: At her Professor's last sentence she let out a sort of choked, cry. It was as if he'd looked deep into her heart and read her very thoughts. She slid down the wall and sat on the ground as a whole new wave of hurt swept over her. Hannah covered her face with her hands; she was broken in pieces, vulnerable, and in front of one of her most reveared and respected teachers. Her face was pink with shy, embarrassment, but she spoke anyway, this time with a forced calm, willing herself not to cry anymore. "He was the one who pushed me to do my best. He was the one who believed in me. He fought and fought that disease, said he couldn't wait to see who I was going to become--He was my inspiration, my reason for pushing myself to become all I--all he thought I could be." She paused, as she tried to identify this new emotion that invaded her grief. "And now he's gone, but it doesn't really feel like he's really gone! Does that make any sense?" she asked, exasperated. "And...and..." she looked at the ground again, "part of me is angry! And I'm angry at myself for feeling angry. It's not like he I chose die! What kind of person feels angry because their father dies?!"
Me: Lupin with the swiftness of a wolf was down by the girls side in a moment. He merely crouched listening intently, moreso, covering her from other intruders, not that anyone would be by. But if they were, he could easily apparate themselves out of there. He listened to her, waiting, she was going to break at any second. And when she yelled, and screamed, he knew. No more touching, now was the time for talking. "It makes perfect sense that you're angry. It's a normal part of losing someone Hannah. When Sirius.. I was furious. It took me awhile to get over that." He kept his voice on an even tone. "And he still can be you're inspiration Hannah, because he's not completely gone. He still lives in you, and in your memory."
Hannah: Hannah was slightly dumbstruck. She had heard about Sirius' death from Hermione. All this time she had wanted to say something to Harry, but had not the words to do so. She was slightly surprised at the even tone Lupin kept while he spoke of his friend. Quite suddenly it seemed she was overcome with something between guilt and compassion. It was usually her role to comfort others; it felt a little--no, a lot--out of place to be the one being comforted. For the first time since reading the letter, her thoughts lay on something other than her own hurt. "Oh, Professor...I'm sorry. I didn't realize--I mean, I had forgotten...I..." but words were failing her. The anger left her face and was replaced by something she couldn't indentify. Hannah had thought no one would understand her, or worse, she thought that people might think her selfish for feeling the way she did, but this was understanding...and wisdom. "How do you, how does someone move on when such a vital piece of their heart has been torn away?" She looked at him in earnest, praying he could help her make sense of the mess that felt like her life. After all, he seemed to show more understanding than she had ever hoped to find.
Me: The professor watched as the emotions crashed and ran vivid all over the girls face, some winning, others losing. A battle of energies so to say. He listened to the girl speak, and he smiled rather softly at her words of comfort. He merely shook his head, "Nothing to be sorry about Hannah. I'm not here to help you. You matter just as much as everyone else." He waited, again watching the girls features change. Inside, he felt his memories flooding back, Minerva, Hagrid and Albus all there for him nearly instantaneously after Sirius's death. Sirius was more than a friend to him, and they all knew, all knew too well the hurt and pain this caused him to have. But he did get through it, and he still felt his old, lover near him. Akward as it was, he did. He shifted, making himself comfortable on the floor, sitting by Hannah instead of facing her, before he spoke again, he reach into his cloak and pulled out a hankerchief, handing it to her. "Wipe your eyes," he shifted, looking at his hands momentarily then looked to the wall. Could he tell this girl? Why not? She was a trustworthy person. "Hannah, Sirius and I, were not just friends, we were much more than that." He looked to her, and sighed. "I was able to move on, because I knew he was watching, I knew he was still here. I knew, I had to be strong for him. I had my downs yes, and I let myself roll through the emotions, I let myself feel it. But I didn't stop what I was doing. Our fight Hannah, is the fight for the greater good, and because I fully believe in that, I kept going." He looked downward, and smiled softly. "We will see them again someday, don't forget that."
Hannah: Hannah tilted her head in curiousity, as she listened to her Professor speak. Sirius had been more. She let the words sink in. She didn't bother wiping the tears falling down her face. These tears were not for, but for this man who had lost someone who had been, what Hannah imagined, his everything--his friend, brother, lover...She finally dried her tears with the hankerchief he had handed her. She sat quietly, in awe, even after he had stopped speaking. She looked at hankerchief in her hands, thoughtfully. Our fight Hannah, is the fight for the greater good. It almost sounded like something her father would have said. It was most definitely a statement he would have agreed with. Her father wouldn't have wanted her to give up, and would she really see him again? "You really think we'll see them again?" She paused, but not long enough to let Lupin answer, "Do you think my father could be watching me as well?"
Me: He shifted slightly turning to Hannah completely, realizing she understood exactly what he was talking about. Not all students understood this concept, and he really wasn't about to explain it to each one either. "I trust you, to keep what I've told you secret Hannah." Remus was a prideful man, he just wasn't all the way open about his partner yet. Those who knew, knew for a reason. He watched as the girl cleaned her face with his hankerchief, watched those tiny drops of liquid sadness stain the white. All rather intense and meaningful movements to him, and yet, to someone passing by, it was nothing. He rethought over what he just said, where did this sudden grace for dialect come from? Inwardly, he grinned remembering an afternoon in the past, James had failed yet another essay, Sirius was tweaking the Map, and he was trying to explain, 'In LITTLE words Remus! Honestly!' to James, why exactly he had failed, and Lily commenting on his 'Wonderful skill of speech'. Had it really begun there? He sighed slowly, then looked to Hannah, his eyes seemed to shine with a hope and truth unknown to normal humans even. "Yes Hannah, I think your father is watching you. I think he's watching you, and smiling because you're still his shining joy, and here you are, doing the right thing, yet again." He grinned this time, a full and kind smile.
Hannah: Hannah gave a quiet nod when asked to keep the information about her professor and Sirius to herself. There was something about the fact that he trusted her with such a meaningful secret that touched her heart. Being trustworthy was something Hannah prided herself in. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments. She watched as his countanance changed and a smile of genuine peace spread across his lovely, but scarred face. I am his shining joy. Again, her eyes filled with tears, but these tears were different. These were tears of love, of hope even. With Lupin's last words, her father didn't feel so far away--not like he was lost forever. "Professor...thank you...for everything." She paused, looking at the door, the other students would be coming in soon. "I really didn't want to talk to anyone, but I'm grateful you talked to me." Hannah sighed. She felt comforted for the moment, but she was afraid to move. Afraid of when the pain would come rushing, slamming back into her--and it would. "I'm afraid to get up in the morning and feel all of this again..." She looked up, as her words trailed off. "I should be getting back to the rest of the students...I'm a prefect." She looked down at the hankerchief she had been clutching and looked back up at Lupin. "I'm very glad you're back, Professor." She looked him more directly in the eyes, with those words, than with anything else she had said. He had brought a little bit of hope with him that night. He had loved someone and lost them, and he was still able to touch the lives of the people around him. She gave him a quick hug, not really wanting to let him go. She handed him the hankerchief and said, one last time, "Thank you, Professor..."
Me: Silence at times had it's comforts, and at that moment it was nice. He trusted Hannah, just as much as he had trusted Albus when he questioned him one night. that night he remembered so well, walking into the Headmaster's office, Sirius at his side. Surely they'd been called there due to some Marauding, surely. When Albus asked why they had been found in the same bed on more than one occasion, that was a shocker. Both boys stood, jaws dropped, and Sirius, being who he was stepped out. He simply said. "Because we love each other Headmaster." And, due to the simplicity and honesty of the comment, Albus had nodded, wished them well, and sent them off. Remus still remembered the look on Sirius's face, it was breath taking. He shifted in his seat again, this time standing with Hannah, listening. "You're welcome Miss Abbot, it was the least I could do, having been there and knowing the feelings." He watched as she stilled, then said softly, "Don't be afraid of the morning, instead be happy that you are able to feel these things freely. And yes, you should head back as I should to my own quarters." He watched as her composure changed, changed to complete earnest, as she commented I'm very glad you're back, Professor. Lupin felt touched, and he smiled softly, bowing his head afterwards, then saying softly. "It is good to be back." He hugged her softly, and quickly and then took the hankerchief, putting it away in his cloak. When she turned and said her last words of thanks, Lupin bowed, "Thank you, for listening." He waited to make sure she headed off in the right direction, before turning, and feeling a slight wetness under his own eyes. He looked forward, to an unknown source. I feel you Sirius, I know you're there. He walked onward, taking out another hankerchief and headed toward his quarters.
These students are teaching me more than I them these last few days. I wonder, what will happen when term starts up?
~R. Lupin
Me: Having finished his preparations for the next day, on a whim, and a rumor, Lupin headed toward the 'Hufflepuff' area of the castle. The walls were brighter here, painted yellow. Candlesticks had the picture of the famed badger melded into the metal. He was looking for Miss Hannah Abbot, according to the grapevine, she was in grave need of some sort of support.
Hannah: Professor?
Me: Stopping in his tracks, he looked over. There was the girl he was searching for. "Hannah." He walked closer to her, already feeling the anguish that was wreaking havoc on her emotional state. He didn't need to say 'how are you?' or 'what's going on?' or 'I heard you're news through Dumbledore' or anything like that. He merely opened his arms, and wrapped the girl in a warm hug.
Hannah: Hannah was startled from her daze, by a voice calling her name. Surprised, she jumped up, whiping her tears on her sleeves, trying desperately to maintain some form of composure. As she recognized Professor Lupin, with his knowing, quiet eyes and his open arms, she let fall what little defense she'd been prepared to put up. She let out a sob, into his chest, as he hugged her, not knowing what to say only grateful for someone to hold onto.
Me: Comforting arms wrapped around the girl, one patted her on the back gently, the other holding her close. Lupin always found the best way to comfort others, especially younger others, was to go with his internal instinct. Hannah didn't seem the type to talk to, rather she just wanted someone to hold onto, something that wouldn't just walk off. Lupin could do that, he rubbed her back gently, making soft 'shhh' noises, knowing too well the pain of losing a loved one.
Hannah: Hannah wasn't sure how long she'd been crying before she finally let go of the person holding her. She took a step back, not sure if she felt embarrassed or not--not sure if she was capable of feeling anything she would have thought she'd feel in a situation such as this. For a moment all Hannah did was stare at the ground. Finally, gathering a little courage and scraping for what words she could find, she said, "I can't--I...I don't know what to do..." Her voice trailed off as fresh tears streamed down her face. "I want to go home...I want to wake up and find this all a terrible dream," she said finally looking Professor Lupin in the eyes. There was a type of compassion in those eyes, a compassion that spoke volume with out saying a word.
Me: He let the girl go slowly, then waited as she regained her composure. He didn't need to speak, not yet, he waited for her to be ready to talk. She needed to be the first one to speak in this situation. When she did speak, Lupin listened with full attention. He remained silent, until she had finished and then spoke with a gentle tone. "Losing a loved one, is the most terrible feeling. You're lost in the dark, and you have no idea where to turn." He gently wiped the new tears off her cheeks. "However, going home will not help you get through this. Trying to deny that it happened, will not help either." His voice was more gentle now. "Death, is like any other thing in this world, it is an experience. Stay here Hannah, work hard, know you're making him proud, and let yourself feel the sadness." He looked back to her, a knowing glance cast in her direction.
Hannah: At her Professor's last sentence she let out a sort of choked, cry. It was as if he'd looked deep into her heart and read her very thoughts. She slid down the wall and sat on the ground as a whole new wave of hurt swept over her. Hannah covered her face with her hands; she was broken in pieces, vulnerable, and in front of one of her most reveared and respected teachers. Her face was pink with shy, embarrassment, but she spoke anyway, this time with a forced calm, willing herself not to cry anymore. "He was the one who pushed me to do my best. He was the one who believed in me. He fought and fought that disease, said he couldn't wait to see who I was going to become--He was my inspiration, my reason for pushing myself to become all I--all he thought I could be." She paused, as she tried to identify this new emotion that invaded her grief. "And now he's gone, but it doesn't really feel like he's really gone! Does that make any sense?" she asked, exasperated. "And...and..." she looked at the ground again, "part of me is angry! And I'm angry at myself for feeling angry. It's not like he I chose die! What kind of person feels angry because their father dies?!"
Me: Lupin with the swiftness of a wolf was down by the girls side in a moment. He merely crouched listening intently, moreso, covering her from other intruders, not that anyone would be by. But if they were, he could easily apparate themselves out of there. He listened to her, waiting, she was going to break at any second. And when she yelled, and screamed, he knew. No more touching, now was the time for talking. "It makes perfect sense that you're angry. It's a normal part of losing someone Hannah. When Sirius.. I was furious. It took me awhile to get over that." He kept his voice on an even tone. "And he still can be you're inspiration Hannah, because he's not completely gone. He still lives in you, and in your memory."
Hannah: Hannah was slightly dumbstruck. She had heard about Sirius' death from Hermione. All this time she had wanted to say something to Harry, but had not the words to do so. She was slightly surprised at the even tone Lupin kept while he spoke of his friend. Quite suddenly it seemed she was overcome with something between guilt and compassion. It was usually her role to comfort others; it felt a little--no, a lot--out of place to be the one being comforted. For the first time since reading the letter, her thoughts lay on something other than her own hurt. "Oh, Professor...I'm sorry. I didn't realize--I mean, I had forgotten...I..." but words were failing her. The anger left her face and was replaced by something she couldn't indentify. Hannah had thought no one would understand her, or worse, she thought that people might think her selfish for feeling the way she did, but this was understanding...and wisdom. "How do you, how does someone move on when such a vital piece of their heart has been torn away?" She looked at him in earnest, praying he could help her make sense of the mess that felt like her life. After all, he seemed to show more understanding than she had ever hoped to find.
Me: The professor watched as the emotions crashed and ran vivid all over the girls face, some winning, others losing. A battle of energies so to say. He listened to the girl speak, and he smiled rather softly at her words of comfort. He merely shook his head, "Nothing to be sorry about Hannah. I'm not here to help you. You matter just as much as everyone else." He waited, again watching the girls features change. Inside, he felt his memories flooding back, Minerva, Hagrid and Albus all there for him nearly instantaneously after Sirius's death. Sirius was more than a friend to him, and they all knew, all knew too well the hurt and pain this caused him to have. But he did get through it, and he still felt his old, lover near him. Akward as it was, he did. He shifted, making himself comfortable on the floor, sitting by Hannah instead of facing her, before he spoke again, he reach into his cloak and pulled out a hankerchief, handing it to her. "Wipe your eyes," he shifted, looking at his hands momentarily then looked to the wall. Could he tell this girl? Why not? She was a trustworthy person. "Hannah, Sirius and I, were not just friends, we were much more than that." He looked to her, and sighed. "I was able to move on, because I knew he was watching, I knew he was still here. I knew, I had to be strong for him. I had my downs yes, and I let myself roll through the emotions, I let myself feel it. But I didn't stop what I was doing. Our fight Hannah, is the fight for the greater good, and because I fully believe in that, I kept going." He looked downward, and smiled softly. "We will see them again someday, don't forget that."
Hannah: Hannah tilted her head in curiousity, as she listened to her Professor speak. Sirius had been more. She let the words sink in. She didn't bother wiping the tears falling down her face. These tears were not for, but for this man who had lost someone who had been, what Hannah imagined, his everything--his friend, brother, lover...She finally dried her tears with the hankerchief he had handed her. She sat quietly, in awe, even after he had stopped speaking. She looked at hankerchief in her hands, thoughtfully. Our fight Hannah, is the fight for the greater good. It almost sounded like something her father would have said. It was most definitely a statement he would have agreed with. Her father wouldn't have wanted her to give up, and would she really see him again? "You really think we'll see them again?" She paused, but not long enough to let Lupin answer, "Do you think my father could be watching me as well?"
Me: He shifted slightly turning to Hannah completely, realizing she understood exactly what he was talking about. Not all students understood this concept, and he really wasn't about to explain it to each one either. "I trust you, to keep what I've told you secret Hannah." Remus was a prideful man, he just wasn't all the way open about his partner yet. Those who knew, knew for a reason. He watched as the girl cleaned her face with his hankerchief, watched those tiny drops of liquid sadness stain the white. All rather intense and meaningful movements to him, and yet, to someone passing by, it was nothing. He rethought over what he just said, where did this sudden grace for dialect come from? Inwardly, he grinned remembering an afternoon in the past, James had failed yet another essay, Sirius was tweaking the Map, and he was trying to explain, 'In LITTLE words Remus! Honestly!' to James, why exactly he had failed, and Lily commenting on his 'Wonderful skill of speech'. Had it really begun there? He sighed slowly, then looked to Hannah, his eyes seemed to shine with a hope and truth unknown to normal humans even. "Yes Hannah, I think your father is watching you. I think he's watching you, and smiling because you're still his shining joy, and here you are, doing the right thing, yet again." He grinned this time, a full and kind smile.
Hannah: Hannah gave a quiet nod when asked to keep the information about her professor and Sirius to herself. There was something about the fact that he trusted her with such a meaningful secret that touched her heart. Being trustworthy was something Hannah prided herself in. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments. She watched as his countanance changed and a smile of genuine peace spread across his lovely, but scarred face. I am his shining joy. Again, her eyes filled with tears, but these tears were different. These were tears of love, of hope even. With Lupin's last words, her father didn't feel so far away--not like he was lost forever. "Professor...thank you...for everything." She paused, looking at the door, the other students would be coming in soon. "I really didn't want to talk to anyone, but I'm grateful you talked to me." Hannah sighed. She felt comforted for the moment, but she was afraid to move. Afraid of when the pain would come rushing, slamming back into her--and it would. "I'm afraid to get up in the morning and feel all of this again..." She looked up, as her words trailed off. "I should be getting back to the rest of the students...I'm a prefect." She looked down at the hankerchief she had been clutching and looked back up at Lupin. "I'm very glad you're back, Professor." She looked him more directly in the eyes, with those words, than with anything else she had said. He had brought a little bit of hope with him that night. He had loved someone and lost them, and he was still able to touch the lives of the people around him. She gave him a quick hug, not really wanting to let him go. She handed him the hankerchief and said, one last time, "Thank you, Professor..."
Me: Silence at times had it's comforts, and at that moment it was nice. He trusted Hannah, just as much as he had trusted Albus when he questioned him one night. that night he remembered so well, walking into the Headmaster's office, Sirius at his side. Surely they'd been called there due to some Marauding, surely. When Albus asked why they had been found in the same bed on more than one occasion, that was a shocker. Both boys stood, jaws dropped, and Sirius, being who he was stepped out. He simply said. "Because we love each other Headmaster." And, due to the simplicity and honesty of the comment, Albus had nodded, wished them well, and sent them off. Remus still remembered the look on Sirius's face, it was breath taking. He shifted in his seat again, this time standing with Hannah, listening. "You're welcome Miss Abbot, it was the least I could do, having been there and knowing the feelings." He watched as she stilled, then said softly, "Don't be afraid of the morning, instead be happy that you are able to feel these things freely. And yes, you should head back as I should to my own quarters." He watched as her composure changed, changed to complete earnest, as she commented I'm very glad you're back, Professor. Lupin felt touched, and he smiled softly, bowing his head afterwards, then saying softly. "It is good to be back." He hugged her softly, and quickly and then took the hankerchief, putting it away in his cloak. When she turned and said her last words of thanks, Lupin bowed, "Thank you, for listening." He waited to make sure she headed off in the right direction, before turning, and feeling a slight wetness under his own eyes. He looked forward, to an unknown source. I feel you Sirius, I know you're there. He walked onward, taking out another hankerchief and headed toward his quarters.
These students are teaching me more than I them these last few days. I wonder, what will happen when term starts up?
~R. Lupin