Better Left Unknown
What happens when Lupin and Snape discover the world of Fanfiction?
Hilarity ensues, along with much squickiness.Rated NC~17
rlupin: Remus stormed down the halls and barged into Severus' office with a fist full of papers. He waved them in front of his face and almost yelled. "Would you look at t his batch of tripe?"
ssnape: Severus looked up from his work and glared. "What now, you flaming drama queen? Did the house-elves serve you the wrong kibble at dinner?"
rlupin: "No I didn't get the wrong kibble for dinner. Have you seen these? They call them fan fics like we are something from a bloody novel to play around with. I mean Merlin's beard do they not see we have feelings and private lives?" His amber eyes glowed with fire.
ssnape: “What are you on about Lupin? What the bloody hell is a fan fics?" His eyes following the movement of the papers he waved about.
rlupin: Lupin stopped waving the massive pile of papers and put his feet frimly planted upon the floor beside Severus' desk. "A fan fic my friend is something Muggles do for fun. They take the characters from books they like and make up their own stories about them. Like this one.” He pulled out a few pages from his fist. "Here feast your ebony eyes on this one.
ssnape: Severus took the proffered papers and began to scan the page, his eyes narrowed as he read the words. Then suddenly they got wide and his face turned pale. "I've never...in my mouth...Malfoy sr?” He threw the paper down, "That should be burnt and you should be hung for even possessing such...such...garbage!"
rlupin: “Me! Hung? Well I am well hung but that is beside the point. I don't like this any more than you do. I mean Bloody hell they have me with everything from Sirius to... Well, just look at this. " He handed over another set of pages with a purple background and potions bottles on the side.
ssnape: Severus eyes the offending paper, taking it gingerly, as if the pages were coated with poison, or something else equally disgusting. "ME!" he threw the paper down. "This is...is...wrong...very very wrong." He glances at the top of the pile, "You and Potter? That is wrong, he's your surrogate godson you perverted reprobate."
rlupin: “Severus you act as if this crap came from my quill. I didn't write this junk. It came to me by one of the house elves. He was laughing his arse off at them and when I asked what was so funny he laughed and gave me these. Now I don't think they are so damned funny.” Remus had begun to pace back and forth once more in small circles like a caged animal.
ssnape: “I should say not. What sick mind thinks of this stuff? Are they only about sex?" he shuffles through the stack. "Oh dear Merlin, I may need to be obliviated. Potter and Weasley...oh the mental images, I feel the need to vomit. Oh wait a tic...here's one with Granger and Weasley...and I don't mean Ron." He hands it to Lupin, "Have you seen this one?" A single eyebrow rises.
rlupin: The pacing lycanthrope stops in his tracks and takes the pages. "Oh Merlin's beard, Severus do you think it is possible for women to really do that? I mean wouldn't they dislocate something?"
ssnape: Severus looked at him with open honesty in his eyes. "No, it's quite doable...I've seen it done before...they just..." He grabs the werewolf and then stops himself when he realizes he what he was about to do. He then waves a dismissing hand. He lifts another bit of paper. His eyes grow wide and a red blush creeps up his neck. He quickly hides the paper behind his back. "I...I'm going to burn this one." He makes a hasty dash toward the fireplace...
rlupin: Remus fell on top of the desk whooshing the pages off into the floor as Severus first grabbed him and then dropped him just as quickly. "Hey give a guy some warning when you are going to let him drop like a rock.” He then jumped up and raced to ward the fireplace grabbing at the pages. “NO you don't not till I get to see what it is you are so afraid I know.”
ssnape: He turns around, the pages ripping in his hand. "Hand that back, Lupin. I'd rather not have my throat ripped out by you tonight. Like you said, I didn't write these either." Though, the blush didn't diminish one iota. "It's just...just inconceivable. With a student...I mean...I'd get sacked, right?
rlupin: “Oh that one. Well, I would rather you have him than God forbid Lucius. Did you see that one? You are a hundred thousand times better than that one and ... Well...I don't know they might be right about just that one it seems to fit, and sacked? You? No way, the barmy old codger would do that.” Remus laughs softly and bends to gather the fallen pages from the floor
ssnape: He raises and eyebrow, "You would prefer me over Malfoy?" He then clears his throat and concentrates on another paper. "It's all irrelevant. I'm not bent like you." He lifts another. "Dear Merlin, these people have issues. They must need medication or a good half hour under Cruciatus. Look at this Filch and Hagrid? I may vomit."
rlupin: Remus pulled himself up from the floor and sat hard upon the desk. "Filch and Hagrid? OMG that is too sick even to write on paper much less put out like someone should see that. I would need to scourgify my eyes if I had looked at that." He flipped thru more of the giant stack of pages and once more went. " Oh bloody hell... Would you look at this .. Now Sevvie you know there is no way I am doing that with..... that one eyed bugger."
ssnape: “Did you see the name of this? Constant Furriness," he said, pulling the paper from his hand. "Bloody hell, these people are sick. I need a drink." He walks over to the cupboard and pulls out two bottles of Ogdens and hands one to the werewolf. He couldn't be bothered with a glass. He plucked another paper off the desk and pulled the cork with his teeth. "James and Voldemort? What utter tripe." He knocks back a huge amount of whiskey while pushing a page in front of Lupin’s nose. "Look at this and share my troubles. Master and Wolf my lily white arse."
rlupin: Remus took the proffered bottle and downed a goodly bit of the brew. He grabbed the pages from Severus' hand and looked at it with his eyes narrowing. "You know if they are going to write this trash about us the least they could do is figure out who is really on top for Merlin’s sake. " The Lycanthrope snatched another page and blanched white. “Look at this DarkLightening. Now we would all be run out of town on a Firebolt for this one." He downed more of the liquor and grabbed for another page.
ssnape: Severus blanched. "I do not bottom!" He shuffled through a few more, taking a sip of his whiskey,which he promptly choked on. "Like Merlin's left nut! Me and that Barmy Old Codger's daft goat fucking brother? I bloody well think not!" He grumbled over the page muttering something that sounded like 'Snapegoat my arse'. He took another drink, trying to wash the mental image away.
rlupin: Remus almost chocked on his bottle when Severus mentioned "Alberforth and himself. " He laughed and grabbed another page. "You think that is bad here is one. Look at this crap lone wolf . I can't even whack off in peace someone has to make a bloody story out of it. Now Imust admit it is rather a nice way to begin the day but cripes man." He pulled on the bottle and shredded the paper into tiny pieces.
ssnape: Severus snickered at the werewolf. "No peace for you..." he looked down and choked as he saw the ship called Lone Brewer. He quickly incendio'd that page and moved on. "Who the bloody hell is Grawp...oh Merlin is he that thing that Hagrid claims as his brother? Well he gets around a bit. Him and Filch, Grawp and Miss Granger..." He looked up at the wolf, "How are you with memory charms?"
rlupin: “Ok I am only going to say this one time... I'll do you if you do me." Remus grabbed his bottle and found it dry He shook it sadly and dropped it to the waste bin. "Ewww... Umbridge and…the house elf? Where do they come up with this lunacy? Severus is it illegal to render them helpless and tickle them to death with a feather?"
ssnape: Glancing up from an interesting read between Miss Lovegood and Miss Weasley he said, "What?...oh, um...giving to how this crowd writes, it's probably defined as acceptable kink." He look back and shuffled thru some more. "It seems our Miss Granger surely gets around. She's had everyone on both Slytherin and Gryffindor Quidditch teams, most of the male and female staff and ..." he narrowed his eyes and then looked up at Lupin. "Seems she fancies shagging you."
rlupin: “Give me that . I just can't go there. I would rather do Well just about any adult in the known universe. Except Umbridge or Filch or well scratch hat there are too many to list. And it isn't that she isn't a cute little thing she is just so bloody annoying." He then wiggled his eyebrows “Exceptable kink. I can live with that. Oo look at this one you liquid sex God. Now I am hurt really hurt all I get are the fur references. Gods I am human 99 percent of the time but NO turn into one wolf and do they call you a man no fuck the wolfie." He looked for his bottle and realized it was empty so he reached for Sevs and downed the rest of it pouting.
ssnape: “Liquid sex? At least I'm not like Black and called Sex on a Stick? What the hell is that?" He snickered, "True, you are referred to as more beast then man." He picked up another page. "Blastitall! My hair is not bloody greasy! Feel it...don't give me that look, just feel it! It's soft and shiny. I wash it and condition it...these people write as if I had no sense of personal hygiene. I work with disgusting ingredients, so that makes me disgusting?" He glared as Lupin finished his drink. He accio'd two more and ruffled thru some more pages. "Guess Black wasn't so loyal to you either. Sleeping with everyone from his cousins to his godson and everyone in between. Pretty active sex life for a man who spent 12 years in prison, I must say. Oh look, he even shagged a dementor. I guess he drew the line there at snogging."
rlupin: "Bloody Hell .Let me have that disgusting drivel. Shag a dememtor my fine arse, He never cheated either. He might have tasted a few flowers but who didn't at our age? And sex-on-a stick? I rather prefer more comfort in my snogging than that." He picked up the bottle and thought he had just consumed more firewhiskey then and one wizard ought to do on a week night but this was disturbing. He took another page and looked at it through his fingers. "Oi what now Percy/ Oliver and Marcus talk about the good the bad and the ugly.”
ssnape: Severus tuned out the wolf's babbling. He wasn't sure if he should be turned on or disgusted...or disgusted because he was turned on. "Bullistrode and Goyle, dear God, please just don't let them breed." He then spotted the topper to end all. "Holy shit, this one is...utterly wrong....Potter and Malfoy, Malfoy Sr., You, Me and Black. Incest much?"
rlupin: “Oh My God. You can't be serious you and me and Potter and Sirius maybe but Malfoy x2, eww. I shudder to think what these people do in their real time. I think Voldie may have a point in his Muggle baiting. They are sick, sick puppies. Severus I don't know how much more of this I can take without Crucioing everyone of them I can find." Remus pulled deeply on the bottle of firewhiskey deciding he was seeing everything in twos and maybe it looked better that way. "Seriously, you do sound like liquid sex you know". He reached out his slender finger to run thru Severus' hair. "You’re right it is soft."
ssnape: Severus' eyes fluttered closed in his drunken moment as Lupin touched his hair. "Mmmm, told you t'was soft." His eyes shot open. "Memory charm, now. Because I think I was just enjoying a bit of fiction with you and your deplorable Marauder friends and I don't want to remember it or you touching me." He stood up and held out his wand. "You obliviate me first."
rlupin: Remus was running his fingers through those ebony locks and enjoying the silky feeling when Severus jumped up and held out his wand. “Alright ya snarky bastard. Ya know I could almost get used to you." He pointed his wand at the head of his friend and said, “Obliveate.” He was careful to only get the upper memories of this night. “Now you do me." Remus then ‘Incendio’ed’ all of the pages upon the desk and waited for his friend to take the memories of this night from his tortured brain.
ssnape: Severus wasn't sure why he was modifying Lupin's memories, but he agreed and said "Obliviate." He narrowed his eyes as he spied the bottles. He made a mental check of his person to make sure nothing suspicious hurt. "Why are you here? Where we drinking again and you made me do something....disgusting?" He growled, "Get out, Lupin! Your nightly visits are tiring and I'd prefer that they ended now." He began to usher the man toward the door when he spotted a paper on the floor beneath his desk. Picking it up, he said, "Take your garbage with..." he stopped as his eyes scanned the words: ...Remus stretched and slipped off of the smooth desk stretching and looking around. With a laugh he picked up his wand and left a bouquet of flowers on Severus' night stand along with a note that said......: "Thanks for the memories. Love ~ RJL ~" He then turned and with the help of his wand placed Severus snugly in his bed and made his clothing all pile themselves into a heap on the floor... "LUPIN! What is the meaning of this?"
rlupin: The slender drunken Lycanthrope walked over to Severus and snatched the paper from his hand to read. “Well how in bloody hell should I know it's you're handwriting.” He leaned over and placed a soft kiss upon his lips. "Good Night Liquid Sex., I'm to bed. Join me if you want. But bring your own pillow." With that Remus turned and weaved his way out of the door singing softly ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts....’
ssnape: Severus glared after the man, touching his lips. "Dirty great beast," he muttered and finished off his firewhiskey, ensuring that he would be too hung over to remember that disgusting kiss.
Hilarity ensues, along with much squickiness.Rated NC~17
rlupin: Remus stormed down the halls and barged into Severus' office with a fist full of papers. He waved them in front of his face and almost yelled. "Would you look at t his batch of tripe?"
ssnape: Severus looked up from his work and glared. "What now, you flaming drama queen? Did the house-elves serve you the wrong kibble at dinner?"
rlupin: "No I didn't get the wrong kibble for dinner. Have you seen these? They call them fan fics like we are something from a bloody novel to play around with. I mean Merlin's beard do they not see we have feelings and private lives?" His amber eyes glowed with fire.
ssnape: “What are you on about Lupin? What the bloody hell is a fan fics?" His eyes following the movement of the papers he waved about.
rlupin: Lupin stopped waving the massive pile of papers and put his feet frimly planted upon the floor beside Severus' desk. "A fan fic my friend is something Muggles do for fun. They take the characters from books they like and make up their own stories about them. Like this one.” He pulled out a few pages from his fist. "Here feast your ebony eyes on this one.
ssnape: Severus took the proffered papers and began to scan the page, his eyes narrowed as he read the words. Then suddenly they got wide and his face turned pale. "I've never...in my mouth...Malfoy sr?” He threw the paper down, "That should be burnt and you should be hung for even possessing such...such...garbage!"
rlupin: “Me! Hung? Well I am well hung but that is beside the point. I don't like this any more than you do. I mean Bloody hell they have me with everything from Sirius to... Well, just look at this. " He handed over another set of pages with a purple background and potions bottles on the side.
ssnape: Severus eyes the offending paper, taking it gingerly, as if the pages were coated with poison, or something else equally disgusting. "ME!" he threw the paper down. "This is...is...wrong...very very wrong." He glances at the top of the pile, "You and Potter? That is wrong, he's your surrogate godson you perverted reprobate."
rlupin: “Severus you act as if this crap came from my quill. I didn't write this junk. It came to me by one of the house elves. He was laughing his arse off at them and when I asked what was so funny he laughed and gave me these. Now I don't think they are so damned funny.” Remus had begun to pace back and forth once more in small circles like a caged animal.
ssnape: “I should say not. What sick mind thinks of this stuff? Are they only about sex?" he shuffles through the stack. "Oh dear Merlin, I may need to be obliviated. Potter and Weasley...oh the mental images, I feel the need to vomit. Oh wait a tic...here's one with Granger and Weasley...and I don't mean Ron." He hands it to Lupin, "Have you seen this one?" A single eyebrow rises.
rlupin: The pacing lycanthrope stops in his tracks and takes the pages. "Oh Merlin's beard, Severus do you think it is possible for women to really do that? I mean wouldn't they dislocate something?"
ssnape: Severus looked at him with open honesty in his eyes. "No, it's quite doable...I've seen it done before...they just..." He grabs the werewolf and then stops himself when he realizes he what he was about to do. He then waves a dismissing hand. He lifts another bit of paper. His eyes grow wide and a red blush creeps up his neck. He quickly hides the paper behind his back. "I...I'm going to burn this one." He makes a hasty dash toward the fireplace...
rlupin: Remus fell on top of the desk whooshing the pages off into the floor as Severus first grabbed him and then dropped him just as quickly. "Hey give a guy some warning when you are going to let him drop like a rock.” He then jumped up and raced to ward the fireplace grabbing at the pages. “NO you don't not till I get to see what it is you are so afraid I know.”
ssnape: He turns around, the pages ripping in his hand. "Hand that back, Lupin. I'd rather not have my throat ripped out by you tonight. Like you said, I didn't write these either." Though, the blush didn't diminish one iota. "It's just...just inconceivable. With a student...I mean...I'd get sacked, right?
rlupin: “Oh that one. Well, I would rather you have him than God forbid Lucius. Did you see that one? You are a hundred thousand times better than that one and ... Well...I don't know they might be right about just that one it seems to fit, and sacked? You? No way, the barmy old codger would do that.” Remus laughs softly and bends to gather the fallen pages from the floor
ssnape: He raises and eyebrow, "You would prefer me over Malfoy?" He then clears his throat and concentrates on another paper. "It's all irrelevant. I'm not bent like you." He lifts another. "Dear Merlin, these people have issues. They must need medication or a good half hour under Cruciatus. Look at this Filch and Hagrid? I may vomit."
rlupin: Remus pulled himself up from the floor and sat hard upon the desk. "Filch and Hagrid? OMG that is too sick even to write on paper much less put out like someone should see that. I would need to scourgify my eyes if I had looked at that." He flipped thru more of the giant stack of pages and once more went. " Oh bloody hell... Would you look at this .. Now Sevvie you know there is no way I am doing that with..... that one eyed bugger."
ssnape: “Did you see the name of this? Constant Furriness," he said, pulling the paper from his hand. "Bloody hell, these people are sick. I need a drink." He walks over to the cupboard and pulls out two bottles of Ogdens and hands one to the werewolf. He couldn't be bothered with a glass. He plucked another paper off the desk and pulled the cork with his teeth. "James and Voldemort? What utter tripe." He knocks back a huge amount of whiskey while pushing a page in front of Lupin’s nose. "Look at this and share my troubles. Master and Wolf my lily white arse."
rlupin: Remus took the proffered bottle and downed a goodly bit of the brew. He grabbed the pages from Severus' hand and looked at it with his eyes narrowing. "You know if they are going to write this trash about us the least they could do is figure out who is really on top for Merlin’s sake. " The Lycanthrope snatched another page and blanched white. “Look at this DarkLightening. Now we would all be run out of town on a Firebolt for this one." He downed more of the liquor and grabbed for another page.
ssnape: Severus blanched. "I do not bottom!" He shuffled through a few more, taking a sip of his whiskey,which he promptly choked on. "Like Merlin's left nut! Me and that Barmy Old Codger's daft goat fucking brother? I bloody well think not!" He grumbled over the page muttering something that sounded like 'Snapegoat my arse'. He took another drink, trying to wash the mental image away.
rlupin: Remus almost chocked on his bottle when Severus mentioned "Alberforth and himself. " He laughed and grabbed another page. "You think that is bad here is one. Look at this crap lone wolf . I can't even whack off in peace someone has to make a bloody story out of it. Now Imust admit it is rather a nice way to begin the day but cripes man." He pulled on the bottle and shredded the paper into tiny pieces.
ssnape: Severus snickered at the werewolf. "No peace for you..." he looked down and choked as he saw the ship called Lone Brewer. He quickly incendio'd that page and moved on. "Who the bloody hell is Grawp...oh Merlin is he that thing that Hagrid claims as his brother? Well he gets around a bit. Him and Filch, Grawp and Miss Granger..." He looked up at the wolf, "How are you with memory charms?"
rlupin: “Ok I am only going to say this one time... I'll do you if you do me." Remus grabbed his bottle and found it dry He shook it sadly and dropped it to the waste bin. "Ewww... Umbridge and…the house elf? Where do they come up with this lunacy? Severus is it illegal to render them helpless and tickle them to death with a feather?"
ssnape: Glancing up from an interesting read between Miss Lovegood and Miss Weasley he said, "What?...oh, um...giving to how this crowd writes, it's probably defined as acceptable kink." He look back and shuffled thru some more. "It seems our Miss Granger surely gets around. She's had everyone on both Slytherin and Gryffindor Quidditch teams, most of the male and female staff and ..." he narrowed his eyes and then looked up at Lupin. "Seems she fancies shagging you."
rlupin: “Give me that . I just can't go there. I would rather do Well just about any adult in the known universe. Except Umbridge or Filch or well scratch hat there are too many to list. And it isn't that she isn't a cute little thing she is just so bloody annoying." He then wiggled his eyebrows “Exceptable kink. I can live with that. Oo look at this one you liquid sex God. Now I am hurt really hurt all I get are the fur references. Gods I am human 99 percent of the time but NO turn into one wolf and do they call you a man no fuck the wolfie." He looked for his bottle and realized it was empty so he reached for Sevs and downed the rest of it pouting.
ssnape: “Liquid sex? At least I'm not like Black and called Sex on a Stick? What the hell is that?" He snickered, "True, you are referred to as more beast then man." He picked up another page. "Blastitall! My hair is not bloody greasy! Feel it...don't give me that look, just feel it! It's soft and shiny. I wash it and condition it...these people write as if I had no sense of personal hygiene. I work with disgusting ingredients, so that makes me disgusting?" He glared as Lupin finished his drink. He accio'd two more and ruffled thru some more pages. "Guess Black wasn't so loyal to you either. Sleeping with everyone from his cousins to his godson and everyone in between. Pretty active sex life for a man who spent 12 years in prison, I must say. Oh look, he even shagged a dementor. I guess he drew the line there at snogging."
rlupin: "Bloody Hell .Let me have that disgusting drivel. Shag a dememtor my fine arse, He never cheated either. He might have tasted a few flowers but who didn't at our age? And sex-on-a stick? I rather prefer more comfort in my snogging than that." He picked up the bottle and thought he had just consumed more firewhiskey then and one wizard ought to do on a week night but this was disturbing. He took another page and looked at it through his fingers. "Oi what now Percy/ Oliver and Marcus talk about the good the bad and the ugly.”
ssnape: Severus tuned out the wolf's babbling. He wasn't sure if he should be turned on or disgusted...or disgusted because he was turned on. "Bullistrode and Goyle, dear God, please just don't let them breed." He then spotted the topper to end all. "Holy shit, this one is...utterly wrong....Potter and Malfoy, Malfoy Sr., You, Me and Black. Incest much?"
rlupin: “Oh My God. You can't be serious you and me and Potter and Sirius maybe but Malfoy x2, eww. I shudder to think what these people do in their real time. I think Voldie may have a point in his Muggle baiting. They are sick, sick puppies. Severus I don't know how much more of this I can take without Crucioing everyone of them I can find." Remus pulled deeply on the bottle of firewhiskey deciding he was seeing everything in twos and maybe it looked better that way. "Seriously, you do sound like liquid sex you know". He reached out his slender finger to run thru Severus' hair. "You’re right it is soft."
ssnape: Severus' eyes fluttered closed in his drunken moment as Lupin touched his hair. "Mmmm, told you t'was soft." His eyes shot open. "Memory charm, now. Because I think I was just enjoying a bit of fiction with you and your deplorable Marauder friends and I don't want to remember it or you touching me." He stood up and held out his wand. "You obliviate me first."
rlupin: Remus was running his fingers through those ebony locks and enjoying the silky feeling when Severus jumped up and held out his wand. “Alright ya snarky bastard. Ya know I could almost get used to you." He pointed his wand at the head of his friend and said, “Obliveate.” He was careful to only get the upper memories of this night. “Now you do me." Remus then ‘Incendio’ed’ all of the pages upon the desk and waited for his friend to take the memories of this night from his tortured brain.
ssnape: Severus wasn't sure why he was modifying Lupin's memories, but he agreed and said "Obliviate." He narrowed his eyes as he spied the bottles. He made a mental check of his person to make sure nothing suspicious hurt. "Why are you here? Where we drinking again and you made me do something....disgusting?" He growled, "Get out, Lupin! Your nightly visits are tiring and I'd prefer that they ended now." He began to usher the man toward the door when he spotted a paper on the floor beneath his desk. Picking it up, he said, "Take your garbage with..." he stopped as his eyes scanned the words: ...Remus stretched and slipped off of the smooth desk stretching and looking around. With a laugh he picked up his wand and left a bouquet of flowers on Severus' night stand along with a note that said......: "Thanks for the memories. Love ~ RJL ~" He then turned and with the help of his wand placed Severus snugly in his bed and made his clothing all pile themselves into a heap on the floor... "LUPIN! What is the meaning of this?"
rlupin: The slender drunken Lycanthrope walked over to Severus and snatched the paper from his hand to read. “Well how in bloody hell should I know it's you're handwriting.” He leaned over and placed a soft kiss upon his lips. "Good Night Liquid Sex., I'm to bed. Join me if you want. But bring your own pillow." With that Remus turned and weaved his way out of the door singing softly ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts....’
ssnape: Severus glared after the man, touching his lips. "Dirty great beast," he muttered and finished off his firewhiskey, ensuring that he would be too hung over to remember that disgusting kiss.