Comments | luvjj: [Fic] Deshabillez-moi

luvjj

[Fic] Deshabillez-moi

Aug 12, 2009 01:34

Title: Deshabillez-moi (Undress me)
Length: One shot
Word Count: 5206
Genre: Romance
Pairing: Jaejoong/Yunho
Rating: Nc-17 but there's a plot.
Warning: Sex with clothes, Seme!Jae but no girly/weak uke!Ho here.

( It was his idea to throw this little party, just between the members and a couple of their old friends. So why was he acting all angry? What with the dark face? Just because they forced Jaejoong into a strip poker? It coudn't be the reason; such a silly little game played between friends couldn't cause such a reaction. Maybe Yunho wasn't confident about his body? He wanted to whisper in his ear not to worry, that he had lost a long time ago his manboobs but the other guys started to get really loud asking him to take off his clothes. )

Comments 35

sakurajima August 12 2009, 13:34:28 UTC

I really liked it ^____^
But the cliffie is not nice -.-
I liked that Yunho is not girlie in your fic *hugs*
And I'd like to know why Yunho would study the kama sutra XD

Please continue!

luvjj August 12 2009, 18:17:10 UTC

I don't like when the uke is girly. They're both men and it's not becauase they're in love that it changes what they are and affect their behaviors.

Thank you for reading and commenting <3

mimz_song August 12 2009, 15:04:08 UTC

a;lfja;fj I LOVED IT!! The love the love!!! I could feel the love and passion!! Unf...I loved it ^^
Oh and btw...that kamasutra part made me lol xD
Kamasutra is like the SEX BIBLE!! >:] hahaha

luvjj August 12 2009, 18:20:49 UTC

YEAH you got the whole point lol! Yes the love, the overwhelming love they feel for each other. They are both as obsessed about it other, Jaejoong just needed some more time to realise it. It's not just sex for sex, on the sole purpose of feeling good, it's about making each other feeling good and feel the same thing at the same time.

Thank you for reading bb <3

cutiemongmong August 12 2009, 16:59:10 UTC

Awwwww~ this is the loveliest smut I have ever read~ soooooo cuteeee~ XD *lol how Junsu is the sex mania here =))=))*

LOL you really open my eyes. OMG I never can imagine that Yunho still is that manly being uke, let alone think about it now, he is really born to be on the bottom, he surely can shake his hips much better than anyone XDXD

luvjj August 12 2009, 18:25:27 UTC

That's because being the top or the bottom is not a question of personality, of age, height or hair color, it's just a sex position :D
The uke doesn't have to be a projection of a girl, Yunho is Yunho, he's cute and manly at the same time, he loves to act cool and all but then explode in a girly laugh. So even if he's the uke, he still can be a manly man ^^

Thank you so much for reading, your comment made me extremly glad <3

epskeppi August 12 2009, 18:47:06 UTC

I love this! srsly, amazing jaeho smut *www*
!!!

luvjj August 12 2009, 18:49:07 UTC

Thank you very much hon <3

evilsupergirl August 12 2009, 23:14:01 UTC

First off, Happy B-day!, so there are a lot of grammatical mistakes, but since this isn't your first language, we'll let it slide. Story wise, was it just me or were the other guys totally perving on Jae in the beginning? and yay for safe, sweet, and well paced, sex! Yunho's a lucky man XD

luvjj August 20 2009, 22:22:46 UTC

Thank you bb!!!! sorry fo the late reply, summer job kills me!
Yeah the guys were totally drooling over his gorgeous body ihihi.
Could you help me fix them love?

evilsupergirl August 21 2009, 17:40:56 UTC

it's just a bunch of little things really, if you read it to yourself out loud, I'm sure you'll catch most of them. things like:

What with the dark face?
correct: What was with the dark face.

said hastily Yunho
correct either: Yunho said hastily, or Yunho hastily said.

Just take off one of your shoe already!
Correct: Just take off one of your shoes already!

Why was he the only one loosing?
correct: Why was he the only one losing?

so yeah, recheck verb tenses, and punctuation. When someone says a name in dialogue, you put a common before, or after, the name: "Take off your clothes, Jaejoong." and " Jaejoong, take off your clothes."

I'll stop here. Oddly, you seemed to make less mistakes when you were writing the sexy sex stuff XD