Masquerade
To anyone who didn't know him that well, he seemed to be his normally cranky self. However Leonard McCoy felt anything but normal. He was a bundle of nerves. Even a shot of whiskey while on duty had not helped and he didn't want to consume too much since he wanted to keep his wits about him during the crisis.
The last three days had been pure hell! As he now stood waiting in the transporter room, McCoy couldn't remember much of what he had done in the past three days. The memory of those activities were a blur other than the fact that he knew he had been continually harassing Spock about the missing crew members. He had resorted to several shots of whiskey at the end of his shift each of those nights after he retired to his quarters just to calm himself down.
He couldn't believe that Nyota had disappeared along with Chekov and the captain as they were being transported down to the planet Gamma II. It had been just a routine visit and yet somehow they had simply just disappeared. Mr. Scott couldn't figure it out and there was no logical explanation. He never did like transporters!
He had been frantic with worry and had to admit that he had harassed Spock more than he usually did when a crisis occurred. Spock remained his stoic self and continued on what he considered to be a logical path in search of the missing crew. While it was true that Jim was his very best friend, he had to admit that he was more concerned about Nyota than he was about Jim. No one knew about his romantic involvement with her. It was all he could do to hold himself together.
Spock had followed the only clue available and eventually found them on a planet called Triskelion in another galaxy. He found that the team was being held captive after they had been kidnapped, and there was nothing he could do about it but watch as the captain tried to win their freedom. The captain was able to fight off three other thralls and secure their freedom as they watched on the view screen. McCoy let out a sigh of relief when he saw Nyota sitting on the sidelines watching the captain fight for his life and for all their release from the grip of the Providers.
Three days of torment were replaced by a sigh of relief now that the three of them were about to be beamed back aboard the Enterprise. McCoy couldn't wait to see her. Of course, he had to direct his attention to the captain first when they returned, but he couldn't wait for the time when he'd be able to get her alone and give her a quick kiss and a hug and to be able to reassure himself that she was OK.
McCoy waited in the transporter room extremely anxious, his eyes focusing on the empty pads of the transporter. Since no one knew about the two of them, he wondered if he would be able to resist rushing over to her and taking her in his arms. He was sure as he stood now and waited, that his ability to keep his feelings under control would be tested to the limit. They had only been seeing each other for a few weeks, but McCoy knew that he was already head over heels in love with her. He couldn't believe that he had gotten up the nerve to say anything to her at all outside of their normal polite conversations. He had always thought that she was beautiful, but he never even considered for a moment that she could be interested in him. He was happy just to have her as a friend.
After they had entered into a relationship, he was happier than he had been in years and regretted having waited so long. He made up his mind at that moment that he would let nothing come between them now that they had found one another. He wanted to make up for lost time. They had been on the Enterprise two and a half years and he promised himself that he wasn't going to waste another moment. The fact that he had almost lost her was somewhat overwhelming, but she was on her way back which filled him with relief. As he waited for them to beam back aboard, he took a moment to reflect on his good fortune.
The opportunity for the two of them to get together presented itself one evening on the observation deck. Getting romantically involved with anyone was the furthest thing from his mind that day. He had gone there to be alone and perhaps indulge in a little self pity. It was his daughter's birthday and he was feeling a little melancholy. He had sent her a present months ago and she had sent him a message thanking him and he had received it three weeks ago. It bothered him that he did not see her more often than he did and he had to admit to himself that he missed her terribly. He had felt this way for several years during Christmas time and her birthday.
As he stood looking out at the stars, he did not hear Nyota walk up behind him. He had spoken to her about Joanna only once before. He felt her hand touch his back and he turned around surprised to see her.
"Hey there." he said attempting a smile.
She was not fooled by his forced greeting as she could see the sadness in his eyes.
"You're thinking about Joanna, aren't you?" Nyota asked putting her arm around him. "I know today is her birthday. It's OK to miss her, you know."
McCoy was completely floored. "How did you know about her birthday?"
"You told me about a year ago." Nyota replied. "I asked you about her and her age, remember? You told me that she had just turned nine on her birthday and I asked you what the date was. I remember it because it's the same as my father's birthday. Her birthday had just passed and you were a little sad at that time too. I know that she's ten today."
McCoy turned and looked out the window again. "I had forgotten about that" he replied more to himself than to her.
Nyota decided to stay with him for the rest of the evening after observing his sad countenance. She did not feel that he needed to be alone. She knew that he needed a friend, someone to talk to. She asked questions about his daughter and asked him to tell her about the times they had spent together. His stories made her laugh and pretty soon he was joining in and laughing too. Before he realized it, she had broken through his rough exterior and he was spilling his guts to her. He didn't know how she had done it, except that he found her to be a good listener. Talking to her had been a helpful healing of sorts, a soothing balm over the wound in his heart.
McCoy didn't even realize that he had taken her hand in his until he looked down and saw that he was holding it. He was immediately embarrassed by his actions and quickly pulled away.
"Doctor, you need to relax. You're a bundle of nerves." she said laughing. "I have no problem with you holding my hand if it makes you feel better."
"I wish I had someone like you to keep me calm all the time" he replied grinning. "A man gets lonely sometimes and you're good company."
She stared at him a moment. "All you have to do is ask. I'd love to be the one to fill the empty space in your heart."
He could not believe that he heard what she had just said. Could she mean that she was really interested in him? She couldn't be! She was young and beautiful and he knew other men on the ship wanted a chance with her. He had accepted her friendship and didn't expect more. It never even occurred to him that he had a chance with her. He felt his mouth go dry.
"What are you saying, Nyota?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I think you know what I'm saying." she responded. "I've been waiting for you to make a move."
And then he did it! Before he could lose his nerve, he bent down and kissed her lips. Not only did she respond, she put her arms around his neck and kissed him back. He could not believe his luck.
After that, he saw her whenever he could. He didn't tell Jim about her. Dammit, it wasn't his business anyway! He just wanted to spend time with her and get used to his wonderful good fortune before he shared the news with anyone else. They usually had meals in one of their quarters and they would talk for hours before retiring for the evening.
But then came that fateful day when the three of them disappeared. Now he waited anxiously and watched as the three of them materialized.
"Jim" he shouted as Kirk walked off the pad and patted him on the back.
"Bones!" he replied grinning. "I know you want to check me out, but I could stand a nice shower first!" The captain turned and looked at Spock who was standing by Scotty behind the transporter console.
Bones was taken aback for a moment. Jim's greeting and smile seemed contrived and somewhat forced and he appeared to be totally stressed out. Of course, he had just won a major fight down on the planet, but Bones had seen Jim in tight situations before and he had never reacted in this way. He was normally relieved when it was all over and he now seemed anything but relieved.
"Captain" Spock said nodding watching him closely.
"Good job, Spock." Kirk said a little louder than necessary. "Let's get outta here and back to Gamma II before something else happens!"
McCoy watched Nyota out of the corner of his eye as she and Chekov stepped off the pad. Immediately he noticed a heaviness in the air and he knew that something was very wrong. He smiled at her, but she did not return his smile and avoided making eye contact with him. Chekov looked nervous and relieved at the same time. He hung his head and avoided eye contact with them.
Kirk turned to the two of them and spoke with more authority than was necessary. "I think you two should report to the Sick Bay with Doctor McCoy and let him check you out."
"Captain. I am fine" Chekov protested weakly.
"Nevertheless, that's an order Mr. Chekov" Kirk said. He cleared his throat and with stiff, exaggerated motions, beckoned them towards the door.
Uhura remained silent and stood there saying nothing. Kirk looked at Bones and then back to Chekov noting that Nyota had not moved. He laughed nervously and cleared his throat again.
"Chekov, escort Lieutenant Uhura to sick bay. I want both of you to have a complete physical and that's an order." His eyes were on Nyota who looked at him and nodded.
McCoy watched as Chekov put his arm around Nyota and walked out of the transporter room. He watched Jim whose eyes followed them as they left and then as if on cue, the captain's shoulders sagged and he slumped forward slightly as if he had just released whatever false bravado he was holding onto for their benefit.
The captain turned to Bones, his face was serious yet sad. "I need you to check them out and give me a full report as soon as possible."
"What the devil happened down there, Jim?" Bones asked. "All of you are acting strange. Uhura nor Chekov would not even look up."
"I believe that she may have been...attacked down on the planet." Kirk said avoiding his eyes.
"You mean raped?" Bones asked looking from him to Spock who was standing by his side.
He could tell that Kirk was uncomfortable. His voice cracked under the stress of the emotion that he was clearly trying to control. "I couldn't help her, Bones. I was in another cell. One of the thralls, a man who was her trainer....I heard her screaming...telling him to stop..." His voice trailed off for a moment.
"Jim if that's the case then she'll also need a psych evaluation." Bones said. "I'm sure you did all you could do. It's not your fault."
"I'm the captain. She was my responsibility" Kirk mumbled. "I can't help but feel somewhat responsible."
"Captain, it is not logical to blame yourself" Spock replied. "You are only responsible for saving all of our lives, not what has happened to the lieutenant. If you had not won that fight, we would all be the Provider's puppets right now."
"Do whatever you have to do for her, Bones" Kirk replied walking towards the door. "Just let me know your findings as soon as possible."
McCoy stood in the floor unable to move for a moment as he watched the captain exit. He knew Jim, and he knew that he blamed himself somewhat whether it was logical to do so or not. It was hard to accept that Nyota had been raped. All of them including the captain held her in the highest regard. She was an excellent Communications Officer and she had a lot of friends on the Enterprise. McCoy found himself becoming overcome with anger and rushed out of the transporter room to the Sick Bay. He knew that he had to remain calm and he tried to get himself together before he arrived. He walked into the Sick Bay and found both of them there sitting on a cot. Chekov was talking to her and she was nodding her head.
"Nurse, put Chekov in examination room three" McCoy said trying to remain calm and professional. "Put Lieutenant Uhura in exam room one."
"Yes doctor" Chapel said looking at him curiously.
McCoy walked into his office to gather his tricorder and then went into the room to see Chekov. "Nurse Chapel will run some tests and I'll come back and let you know the results." he said holding up the tricorder. "Unless you have some specific complaints, then I am sure you'll be fine."
"Doctor...about Uhura" Chekov responded nervously.
"I've already talked to the captain" McCoy said staring at him. "I will handle that situation."
"Yes doctor" Chekov responded lowering his eyes.
McCoy took a deep breath and walked into the room where Nyota was sitting on the bed.
"Ny..." he said looking at her helplessly. "I'll have to examine you."
She burst out crying and he helped her to lie back on the cot.
"Did he..." He let his voice trail off as he was unable to finish his sentence and she began to nod yes.
Bastard! McCoy had always been able to separate himself from being affected by the trauma of his patients, but now he felt such anger and nausea that he wanted to hit somebody. However, he knew that he had to remain calm in order to help her and he tried to concentrate on the task at hand.
Even though the examination revealed that she would be alright physically, McCoy knew that she needed to talk to someone. She kept her head turned and would not look at him in the face. Seeing her like this broke his heart.
"I think you need to talk to Dr. Reid. She's an excellent doctor." McCoy ventured.
She turned back over and looked at him with sad eyes. "I'm sorry, Leonard."
Her words surprised him. "What have you to be sorry about? None of this is your fault."
"We don't have to see each other anymore" she said turning her back to him again. "I understand. It's best this way."
McCoy was shocked and grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her over to face him.
"What are you saying? This doesn't change anything about us as far as I'm concerned. Unless of course, there's another reason why you don't want to see me anymore. I certainly can understand if you feel that you need some time, but I don't want to end our relationship before it begins."
" It's not really a romantic relationship yet, Leonard. I mean we never got to..." Her voice trailed off and she sounded as if her breath was cut off. She looked at the wall again unable to meet his eyes. "I don't know if I'll ever have the desire to be with a man again. That's not being fair to you. Right now I feel like damaged goods. I don't want to talk to Dr. Reid today. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is soon enough. I just want to go to sleep. You need someone who is whole and that's not me right now."
He stared at her back. No, they hadn't had sex, but he'd been in no rush. That didn't mean that he now looked at her differently. He had to make her understand.
"Nyota. You just need time. I can wait until you're ready. Don't make any hasty decisions. We have all the time in the world for that. I just want you to get better."
She didn't respond, but kept her back to him. He sent a message to Doctor Reid to come and talk with her. "Rest for a while. I'll be back shortly"
Nyota closed her eyes and heard the doctors fading footsteps as he left the room. She was glad that he had left.
Truth be told, only the rush of adrenalin that ran through her down on the planet had kept her together before she returned to the Enterprise. She did what she had to do to stay alive. Now that it was all over, the memory of the ordeal haunted her and images of Lars flooded her mind.
He came into her cell with food and had insisted that he had been chosen for her. At first she thought he was talking only about training, but it was only a few moments before she realized that he was talking about something else entirely. He grabbed her roughly squeezing her breasts. She tried to knee him in the groin, but he quickly blocked her knee and smacked her hard.
Lars had quickly overpowered her and no one came to her aid and she knew that her screams were useless but she screamed anyway. She closed her eyes and tried to detach herself from what was happening even as she heard the captain calling out to her from his cell. Thankfully it was over mercifully quick and if it had not been so traumatic, she would have laughed in his face at his thirty second coupling!
She was finally able to overpower him in her cell by hitting him in the head with her food tray and escape after the captain had knocked out his thrall, but not before the damage had been done. She didn't think about it then, she had just pulled herself together and fell in line with the captain and Chekov and tried to escape.
Their escape was short lived however, as the Providers seemed to know their every move. It was then that she realized that the 'Providers' had chosen a thrall of the opposite sex for each of them. What did the Providers hope to accomplish? Was seeing her violated part of their perverse entertainment?
Now she was just glad to be alive and she was thankful that it was all over. She didn't know what she was going to do about McCoy. How could she look him in the face again? How could she be in a relationship with him? She would survive and she knew that she was a strong woman, but would her damaged libido ever return to its normal state? It wasn't fair to keep him in a relationship when she didn't know if she would ever have the desire for physical intimacy again. Leonard had already been through so much with his divorce and the painful separation from his daughter. He didn't need the added burden of her issues. She heard his footsteps as he returned in the room.
"Doctor Reid will see you in the morning. I asked her to come to your quarters" McCoy said talking to her back. "You have been relieved of duty until further notice. Captain's orders."
She turned over and looked at him. "You mean until you all think I'm ready to return, right?"
She sat up on the cot and faced him. "I will do whatever is necessary to return to duty, doctor. Sitting around mulling over my situation is not what I want to do."
He walked over to her, his face pained. His large blue eyes searched her face. He reached out and touched her face. "I think that you just need some time. Dr. Reid will help you. I will do whatever I can. We will get through this together."
She looked at her hands because she couldn't bear to look into his eyes. "Look, Leonard. You've been a good friend. Perhaps we should have just remained friends and not try to take our relationship to another level. I know that's water under the bridge now, but it's still early in our relationship so I think we should end it before we both become more emotionally attached to one another."
"Don't say that, Nyota" he protested. "What happened to you does not change how I feel about you." He took her hand in his. "You just need time-"
"Stop it!" she snapped snatching her hands from his. "It's over Leonard! I don't want to see you again except on a professional level or as a casual friend. My mind is made up."
Even as she said it, her inner voice was screaming in rebellion. She was falling in love with Leonard McCoy. She didn't want to break up with him. It took all of her remaining strength to force the words out of her mouth and she could feel her heart breaking inside.
McCoy was stunned at her words which hit him with brute force. He knew that she was hurting and that to argue with her now would not help matters. He loved her! He did not want to let her go, but he was not going to force the issue at the moment.
"Alright Nyota" he replied, his voice cracking with emotion. "I'll get nurse Chapel to finish up here. Now if you'll excuse me."
He then turned and walked out of the room and Nyota stared at the floor listening to his receding footstep, unable to hold back the tears that fell from her eyes as she realized that she had just cut herself off from the one person she needed so desperately during the most traumatic time of her life.