hearts are for breaking
well its almost 8 and mr johnson mever e-mailed or called me. guess i didnt get drum major. oh well.
for those of you who have been asking whats going on with joel and me...joel says "he cares but he doesnt think it will work out" which is bull shit, if you ask me. if you like someone you make it work the hell out. when i asked him why it wouldnt work out all he said was "i cant talk about this now" and we havent talked since. i dont get it.
whatever. whats another disappointment? thats what life is isnt it? a small series of disappointments a let downs? i guess i just thought he wasnt going to be one. for the past..year? i dont know how long...joel has been constant. and now hes not there anymoire. it bothers me that even though he felt like things couldnt workw ith us he still messed with me all the time. he still said "i love you" and he kissed me like he was going to die the next day. hes the first person i have ever been able to say i love without question. and now it feels like somebody has ripped my heart out. i never thought id feel empty because of joel. megan thinks hes scared of getting hurt. he shouldnt be. he knows he shouldnt be. i feel so alone without him. yea ive got friends. yea i love them. yea i need them. but i need him too. and ive never said that about anyone. i need these people tho. i dont know what im going to do with myself. i want something like what me and joel use to have. i want to go back. i miss joel. i miss the idea of me and joel. i miss "i love you"
end rant.
whatever im done
--<3 always, jessie
[cause then you.ll see my heart in the saddest state its ever been]