[TLB16] The Last Bridge (1/2)
Title: The Last Bridge - Chapter 16 (1/2)
Word Count: 3832
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Two boys meet, each with their own problems. What path has life laid out for them?
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.
A/N: Finally out! Don't ask me what nonsense is this!! *goes into hiding* And comment so I at least know how many read it ^^
FOR SOME REASONS IT'S TOO LARGE SO I MADE THIS INTO TWO PARTS!
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“-you sure?” Words were recognized, words which weren’t his. Words, which were cold, raspy but still slightly hesitant and alerted his mind as he grasped the situation.
“Yah! He hangs around him, what other possibility can there be!” A woman interrupted, a slap was heard, sounding like against the head. Her voice was annoyed, high and squeaky.
“But he looks like a girl… Junhyung would-“
“Just stop it. And it’s the right kid, don’t be so-,” She stopped in mid-sentence and silence filled the room making Hyunseung nervous as he froze up, breath stuck in his throat.
“Hey. He’s up.”
As on a cue he slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to the light and surroundings. There wasn’t much space, it was a rather small room but even then occupied with far too few thing and nothing decorative. It looked abandoned and old, curtains a darker shade while covered by a thick coat of dust and small specs that didn’t make it there played around in the sunrays.
His eyes darted to the window, it seemed to be locked securely and not having been opened for years. He found the door to be wooden and heavy, probably difficult to make a fast escape but not impossible. But as two pairs of eyes were boring into his skull, he stopped and turned around and before he could even think on anything the woman spoke, this time her voice lower and fitting her image.
“I apologize for the drugging. It wasn’t a part of the plan in the beginning.” A small smile made its way on her face as if in assurance that it was fine now. And it worked, fulfilled its job to some extent as the woman had a feeling of familiarity to her but actually believing it was a whole another matter. There was something bugging in his stomach and it kept reminding him to keep his eye on every single movement - he needed to figure it out before it was too late.
“Here,” The woman continued while motioning behind Hyunseung, “We have some food as you’ve been out for a while.” The shorter one beside her received a poke into the ribs and squirmed but still without complaining went to get the plate and handed it to Hyunseung who reflexively accepted.
“Go ahead.” She said but still kept her eyes on Hyunseung who was hesitant and shook his head slightly, trying to keep it polite.
“Cautious?,” She asked as she walked over, even her walk was full of grace and Hyunseung just couldn’t see her as one of the servants or one of them at all. She looked above them while not thinking even twice before taking a piece which ended in her mouth, making Hyunseung look at her in disbelief.
“That new chef isn’t bad,” She commented more to herself as she motioned the other man to follow her. “Eat up, it’s not going to be easy.”
That sad smile made his insides burn as the door clicked behind her.
He let out a deep sigh and absentmindedly put food in his mouth, only stopping when something got stuck in his throat and he started coughing. He was quite sure his life was not in danger and was sure he would make it out there sooner or later, but he wasn’t sure in what condition. Was he going to suffer, was he going to be tortured, threatened, what was he doing there anyway - questions which he pondered over but didn’t gain any knowledge of.
He didn’t have to wait for long. In five minutes steps were heard, heavy as they sounded through the room and Hyunseung hurriedly made his way back to the desk, pretending to be he was eating. Two men made their way inside and Hyunseung stood up abruptly and bowed in an appropriate manner.
But his eyes couldn’t believe what they were seeing, his mind went blank with shock. It was so empty even though he had expected it, it was so clear as he couldn’t think of anything apart from the dying hope that kept saying he wouldn’t need to face this person anytime soon, nor hear his voice and see his face which made him hurt inside from the similarity.
“Sit down.”
Hyunseung immediately complied, keeping his eyes on his lap. He saw legs walk past him, shoes blackest of the black, slowly and later hearing only steps before they made it into his view again. Something white was shoved in front of him and only when the hand shook Hyunseung took it into his own. It was open already.
Is this?...
“You know what this means, right?” This time the voice was louder and much harsher, making goose bumps cover his skin and work their way down his back. He tried to look up but the second their eyes met Hyunseung hit them back down. It had been a bad idea. The worst.
A hand landed on his shoulder harshly and Hyunseung jolted, body cramped under the touch and he couldn’t prevent it. Every muscle was frozen and stiff, he felt too self-conscious under the gaze.
“I want you to get lost.” The grip got stronger and he knew it was going to leave an awful bruise.
These words were unnecessary, Hyunseung understood. He knew it instantly when he saw who had stepped in, he knew he was labeled as a nuisance. He agreed, he was someone without whom life would go on the same way, he knew he was right. It was true and he hated himself for that.
But that didn’t mean a part of him was going to accept it. He always did unnecessary things, it went hand in hand, and this time consequences didn’t even cross his mind. That trail of thought was long gone when his heart went on a strike, letting in only thoughts it wanted to see.
Stupid thoughts which weren’t even useful.
Hyunseung held the envelope out again, head and gaze towards the floor. It wasn’t a bad idea, he could easily go, disappear into nothingness with time as people forget, but certain things held him there as he had so much to fight for. He couldn’t leave, it had nothing to do with Junhyung in a bigger picture, he just couldn’t give up after all those fights he had put up.
He couldn’t give up and live on his family’s money for the rest of his life like it was planned at that moment. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to let go.
“I can’t. My who-“
He jumped in his seat as the man pounded once loudly against the table, filled glass fell over and the whole surface was slowly soaking with water. No one even noticed it.
“I’d only have to snap my fingers once for you to disappear. Think of it as a chance to start on a clean page, money you’d have enough.”
Hyunseung stuck to his reply before, opening his mouth in slight protest but was unable to let out even a squeak as he was grabbed from the front of the shirt. He was pulled on his feet, meeting with a threatening gaze which only made sure people knew he never joked with his words.
“Just leave! Do you think I cannot see how love-struck he is?!” His voice was now loud, sounding through the whole floor and Hyunseung couldn’t do more than to keep quiet, envelope still in his hands and eyes down.
Suddenly he felt himself to be shoved towards the door but he fell as the push was too strong. Unable to regain his balance he collided with the cold surface, his knees scraping among the rough floor and it started to sting as blood emerged. It stung more with each passing second, adding up to the pain on elbows which fortunately seemed to be in a better state. His hair stuck to his forehead with cold sweat and he didn’t even try to look up.
It was better off like this.
“Just go and disappear!” A voice boomed behind him. Hyunseung turned his head slightly, collecting his thoughts but another steps were heard and the door opened, showing him a pair of feet which made his eyes travel upwards, insides filling up with anxiousness and in fear.
Junhyung’s eyes were wide as they met with Hyunseung’s and he saw millions of questions which must’ve crossed his mind. He saw his eyes dart even lower, to his hands and knees, seeing Hyunseung in a mess as he kept silent. He didn’t say a word.
“Who let him in?!” Forceful voice sounded again, louder than ever.
“What’s Hyunseung doing here?” Junhyung immediately inquired with a harsh tone matching to his father’s, face serious and calm but with no tint of anger. He passed Hyunseung slowly and stood before the envelope. There was a moment of silence.
“Don’t tell me…” Junhyung picked it up, turning it around once before taking a peek inside. His gaze shot up and Hyunseung cringed.
“Don’t you even start. We all know this is for the best.” He didn’t try to hide it, his voice was now quieter but still carried the strictness which said the situation was unarguable. Hyunseung just kept his position, not daring to move.
“Can’t you just sto-“
“Junhyung,” he stopped him in mid-sentence, “You know it won’t work. One of you will get hurt, don’t be stupid.” Hyunseung eyed cautiously Junhyung’s back, he didn’t seem to move at all. He just stood here and took it.
“You will always hurt everyone around you.”
Hyunseung opened his mouth but nothing came out. He wanted to argue even though he didn’t believe in it. Wanted to voice it out even though it would be pointless. Wanted to do all that to assure himself that there was a possibility which was close to a zero. But at least it was there.
“I know. Just, let it go.” Junhyung’s voice was almost inaudible. A sigh escaped from the elder male as he passed, taking the envelope and giving a pat on his son’s shoulder, not forgetting to put on a knowing smile.
“Suit yourself.” And he left, Hyunseung could even hear the guard’s footsteps going away, slowly fading off into silence before his attention was back on the situation in the room.
Hyunseung expected Junhyung to leave, to stay in his own world, to keep his face because his eyes were dead, there was not even a speck of light shining even though he tried. He saw him smile as he leaned down and held out a hand and even though that smile held no promise for a better tomorrow, didn’t even seem assuring, it was still a smile.
“I’m sorry about this.”
It had always been Junhyung to strike up a conversation, to annoy him, tease, make him laugh, everything to get the older to utter a single word. Hyunseung was clearly aware of how one-sided it was but he couldn’t help but enjoy it because just the thought someone putting effort into making a conversation made him feel better so he let things go. It became especially visible after that same incident.
That night Junhyung had dropped him off, had made sure Hyunseung got to his bedroom without stumbling and falling down. He had briefly felt lips against his forehead and had heard a soft voice mumbling a couple of words before leaving.
But the last words he remembered weren’t those because what was burnt into his mind were the ones from downstairs minutes later and for some reason it felt like a stab in his heart. It hurt because he hadn’t expected it, didn’t even think it was necessary but something about those specific words made him clench his hands around the blanket.
Junhyung apologized. It was faint but every single word made it through clearly.
Junhyung had always been the one to strike up a conversation and now there was a wide empty gap which dreaded to be filled with words. He had put all his hope into it but it was all in vain as he only got a wave and a smile in return as the younger passed. Occasionally he would ask how the other was doing but Hyunseung had no idea how to be like Junhyung and that’s how the younger would proceed, leaving Hyunseung behind mentally cursing himself.
And sometimes Hyunseung would just stand there and notice how his was reached out just slightly to grab at a sleeve but even this always ended up in regret and never as an action.
He just stood there, had no idea how time passed until Yoseob put his arm around his shoulders, pulled him enough so he would lean on him while leading towards the next class. Even he didn’t say anything, didn’t even ask questions. He didn’t need to.
Not when it was so obvious already.
His mind was practically ordering him to approach the younger, ignore all his attempts to keep his distance and just walk up to him and give a slight punch against his shoulder because it was his fault after all that Hyunseung’s heart had become such a hassle to deal with. It didn’t want to forget his voice, wanted to hear more apart from the greetings which now sounded so different and unpleasant. He just wanted to hear the nonsense Junhyung was always going on about, blabbering to make Hyunseung laugh. He wanted to hear it and wanted to see him.
He missed the other’s eyes gazing at him, sometimes caringly, sometimes in total frustration. Hyunseung couldn’t get enough of any kind of emotion found there, his orbs were just so deep and with every glance he found something new. But now he was distant and Hyunseung had seen enough of it.
It was great luck to meet him at all and with time he understood Junhyung wasn’t avoiding him, the difference was that he wasn’t trying to meet him, didn’t even spare a look when seeing him in the corridors from far away.
Hyunseung’s everyday life went along the rails of normality. He again started paying no attention to people around him, started napping through all of his breaks. Everything that felt so wrong now. It felt just like before when Junhyung’s name reached him only through rumors which he never knew if they were true or not and once again it proved that he owed their whole friendship to the younger and his actions.
And even though it’s not all his fault, he felt guilty.
It would be a bad lie to say he hadn’t thought on giving up because he had, deep and thoroughly. He had thought about it every single minute for the first two weeks with determination of letting go. Let everything go so both of their lives would be easier without avoidable suffering, there would be no mental pain added to their own burdens. Junhyung didn’t need it and Hyunseung had thought it didn’t sound like a bad idea to go back to what they were before - strangers. No pain involved, people forget and life would go on.
It would be easy.
But it changed. After two weeks those thoughts were shredded into pieces, disappearing into air and leaving no traces behind. It lasted only the first two weeks of silence because that’s when Hyunseung realized what the younger was doing and acknowledged the future if he really kept standing there with his arms crossed. He knew he’d lose him if he kept on waiting - it would all go the way Junhyung wanted.
So from then onwards he concentrated on getting Junhyung to talk, to spend some time with him and he even got advice from Yoseob which was a miracle itself. He was impressed how much people were ready to help him, how much he had opened up. Again thanks to Junhyung.
Unfortunately every try was in vain. It was either Junhyung came up with an amazing excuse which couldn’t be pushed back, managed to turn the conversation around or didn’t appear to school at all.
Junhyung was good and he didn’t even have a chance.
But that triggered on the next chain of actions and finally brought him as far as grabbing the younger’s arm in the busy corridor, meeting with eyes full of curiosity and during that short moment he managed to pull Junhyung into a nearby empty classroom. And he was surprised when Junhyung didn’t leave, instead he leaned on a desk and eyed the older, waiting for him to talk with a nonchalant expression.
"So what's up?" Junhyung asked with amusement in his eyes. But at the same time it was blank as something was lacking and not even present.
"Don't be like that. At least talk to me." Hyunseung held his distance, sitting on a chair turned around, chin on the backrest. He knew his choice of words wasn’t the best but he also knew he had to do something before he slipped away once again.
Junhyung didn't say anything, only a small smile managed its way on his lips and he sighed, eyes darting around the room before meeting with Hyunseung’s again. His expression didn’t change.
"Of course, I'm doing that now, aren't I?" He looked like before, he almost acted like before but there was something very essential missing. Hyunseung kept the gaze which the younger was so good reading at but it didn’t help; Junhyung snapped out of it, muttered out an excuse and was on his way.
And Hyunseung did nothing to stop him.
It was no surprise when he found himself in front of Hyunseung’s apartment door, finger on the bell pressed down. The time had got rid of everything apart from anxiousness, he was getting impatient. But even that one uneasy feeling did more damage than expected - it was deleting thoughts and plans he had made ready to be voiced out;; everything was disappearing into nothingness and by the time the door opened, he was as far as not remembering the purpose of his visit at all.
It didn’t matter, nothing did because his brain froze up anyway as it wasn’t Junhyung who answered it.
Those big eyes surprised at the sudden visitor weren’t Junhyung’s.
That frame which usually would move aside to let him in was also certainly not Junhyung’s.
It wasn't Junhyung at all.
It was a girl, a small petite one who he recognized as a freshman. She knew him by the looks of it and she apologized with a voice that fit her so well, soft and slightly melodic to ears as she muttered that she would get Junhyung in a second. He knew her and knew her well.
But what he didn’t know was what he should do now.
"What are you doing here?"
Hyunseung snapped out of his thoughts and saw now Junhyung, leaning against the doorframe just like he had expected him to and even though Hyunseung also got to see the eyes which were carrying the expression he had imagined, he now wished he hadn’t come at all.
"Oh hey." He managed out. "Just wanted to have a chat."
It was hard for him to mouth out those words and it was even harder hearing Junhyung and he knew, he just knew those words would be something he wouldn’t be able to forget.
"Hyunseung." He sighed and it didn’t need any imagination to see what was coming "Just...let it all go, alright?“ Junhyung took a couple of steps closer and Hyunseung could feel a cold hand against his cheek. Their eyes met again. He hated it.
"We both know its better this way." No.
He couldn’t avoid it anymore, he needed to understand these words because his head had been up in the clouds for too long, thinking whatever it wanted, at the same time feeding his intuition with the same poison. These words weren’t new.
Because after all it had lasted long enough…
Who was he to make such a good person suffer due to selfishness?
Who was he to keep holding on?
Hyunseung could only look into his eyes and he saw the other flinch as the elder’s expression changed. He was hurt. All the weight crashed down on his shoulders, his fingers were trembling. He didn’t know what too feel, his eyes were too dry. Nothing felt right anymore and he did what felt to be the best solution - managed on a smile, painful but still there as he muttered a goodbye.
He left with an empty heart and a nauseating feeling as the poison had killed the last butterfly. He wasn’t even tempted to look back, He couldn’t, not when there was something pressing against his chest, making it harder to breathe and he knew he got a good lesson which lately he had started to forget - expectations should be buried before appearing.
Because that's always easier.
It's easy but also so hard. But they keep saying it passes, everything does as time goes on. Everyone needs to learn to deal with it and accept in order to grow as a person and he’s young, there are still many lessons to be learned and different people coming in his way. Their paths would diverge and they would let go.
It was difficult to pass him with a small wave and a smile on his face. It took effort but he managed it, he had to as he remembered someone who had done it for all of his life. Always keep on smiling no matter what is going on, how hard it is; not showing out his dissatisfactions, not showing out anything that was unnecessary. It was totally opposite from Hyunseung who also had been brought up with drama around him, learning how to act was like a survival instinct in some sense but even then it wasn’t as severe.
But it was still so hard. And he wondered, he really did, how Junhyung made it look so easy.
There were no signs of anything out of the order, there was no sign at all giving Hyunseung any hints which he silently wished for. He felt useless for having depended on Junhyung for so long and even more as he still did. He couldn’t help but keep hoping that the younger would bounce before him one day, telling it was all a bad joke.
He shouldn’t, but he still hoped for it.
He shouldn’t because later on he would get too attached, he already was. His feelings may make him go though a breakdown and he couldn’t let that happen as there was too much on stake. But everything was up to him, it had to be him to initiate, to not give Junhyung any rest until he gives in but the question was if there was any point.
Maybe Junhyung knew better, he knew what circumstances were, knew what situations may come up.
Knew how it will end.
Word Count: 3832
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Two boys meet, each with their own problems. What path has life laid out for them?
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.
A/N: Finally out! Don't ask me what nonsense is this!! *goes into hiding* And comment so I at least know how many read it ^^
FOR SOME REASONS IT'S TOO LARGE SO I MADE THIS INTO TWO PARTS!
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“-you sure?” Words were recognized, words which weren’t his. Words, which were cold, raspy but still slightly hesitant and alerted his mind as he grasped the situation.
“Yah! He hangs around him, what other possibility can there be!” A woman interrupted, a slap was heard, sounding like against the head. Her voice was annoyed, high and squeaky.
“But he looks like a girl… Junhyung would-“
“Just stop it. And it’s the right kid, don’t be so-,” She stopped in mid-sentence and silence filled the room making Hyunseung nervous as he froze up, breath stuck in his throat.
“Hey. He’s up.”
As on a cue he slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to the light and surroundings. There wasn’t much space, it was a rather small room but even then occupied with far too few thing and nothing decorative. It looked abandoned and old, curtains a darker shade while covered by a thick coat of dust and small specs that didn’t make it there played around in the sunrays.
His eyes darted to the window, it seemed to be locked securely and not having been opened for years. He found the door to be wooden and heavy, probably difficult to make a fast escape but not impossible. But as two pairs of eyes were boring into his skull, he stopped and turned around and before he could even think on anything the woman spoke, this time her voice lower and fitting her image.
“I apologize for the drugging. It wasn’t a part of the plan in the beginning.” A small smile made its way on her face as if in assurance that it was fine now. And it worked, fulfilled its job to some extent as the woman had a feeling of familiarity to her but actually believing it was a whole another matter. There was something bugging in his stomach and it kept reminding him to keep his eye on every single movement - he needed to figure it out before it was too late.
“Here,” The woman continued while motioning behind Hyunseung, “We have some food as you’ve been out for a while.” The shorter one beside her received a poke into the ribs and squirmed but still without complaining went to get the plate and handed it to Hyunseung who reflexively accepted.
“Go ahead.” She said but still kept her eyes on Hyunseung who was hesitant and shook his head slightly, trying to keep it polite.
“Cautious?,” She asked as she walked over, even her walk was full of grace and Hyunseung just couldn’t see her as one of the servants or one of them at all. She looked above them while not thinking even twice before taking a piece which ended in her mouth, making Hyunseung look at her in disbelief.
“That new chef isn’t bad,” She commented more to herself as she motioned the other man to follow her. “Eat up, it’s not going to be easy.”
That sad smile made his insides burn as the door clicked behind her.
He let out a deep sigh and absentmindedly put food in his mouth, only stopping when something got stuck in his throat and he started coughing. He was quite sure his life was not in danger and was sure he would make it out there sooner or later, but he wasn’t sure in what condition. Was he going to suffer, was he going to be tortured, threatened, what was he doing there anyway - questions which he pondered over but didn’t gain any knowledge of.
He didn’t have to wait for long. In five minutes steps were heard, heavy as they sounded through the room and Hyunseung hurriedly made his way back to the desk, pretending to be he was eating. Two men made their way inside and Hyunseung stood up abruptly and bowed in an appropriate manner.
But his eyes couldn’t believe what they were seeing, his mind went blank with shock. It was so empty even though he had expected it, it was so clear as he couldn’t think of anything apart from the dying hope that kept saying he wouldn’t need to face this person anytime soon, nor hear his voice and see his face which made him hurt inside from the similarity.
“Sit down.”
Hyunseung immediately complied, keeping his eyes on his lap. He saw legs walk past him, shoes blackest of the black, slowly and later hearing only steps before they made it into his view again. Something white was shoved in front of him and only when the hand shook Hyunseung took it into his own. It was open already.
Is this?...
“You know what this means, right?” This time the voice was louder and much harsher, making goose bumps cover his skin and work their way down his back. He tried to look up but the second their eyes met Hyunseung hit them back down. It had been a bad idea. The worst.
A hand landed on his shoulder harshly and Hyunseung jolted, body cramped under the touch and he couldn’t prevent it. Every muscle was frozen and stiff, he felt too self-conscious under the gaze.
“I want you to get lost.” The grip got stronger and he knew it was going to leave an awful bruise.
These words were unnecessary, Hyunseung understood. He knew it instantly when he saw who had stepped in, he knew he was labeled as a nuisance. He agreed, he was someone without whom life would go on the same way, he knew he was right. It was true and he hated himself for that.
But that didn’t mean a part of him was going to accept it. He always did unnecessary things, it went hand in hand, and this time consequences didn’t even cross his mind. That trail of thought was long gone when his heart went on a strike, letting in only thoughts it wanted to see.
Stupid thoughts which weren’t even useful.
Hyunseung held the envelope out again, head and gaze towards the floor. It wasn’t a bad idea, he could easily go, disappear into nothingness with time as people forget, but certain things held him there as he had so much to fight for. He couldn’t leave, it had nothing to do with Junhyung in a bigger picture, he just couldn’t give up after all those fights he had put up.
He couldn’t give up and live on his family’s money for the rest of his life like it was planned at that moment. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to let go.
“I can’t. My who-“
He jumped in his seat as the man pounded once loudly against the table, filled glass fell over and the whole surface was slowly soaking with water. No one even noticed it.
“I’d only have to snap my fingers once for you to disappear. Think of it as a chance to start on a clean page, money you’d have enough.”
Hyunseung stuck to his reply before, opening his mouth in slight protest but was unable to let out even a squeak as he was grabbed from the front of the shirt. He was pulled on his feet, meeting with a threatening gaze which only made sure people knew he never joked with his words.
“Just leave! Do you think I cannot see how love-struck he is?!” His voice was now loud, sounding through the whole floor and Hyunseung couldn’t do more than to keep quiet, envelope still in his hands and eyes down.
Suddenly he felt himself to be shoved towards the door but he fell as the push was too strong. Unable to regain his balance he collided with the cold surface, his knees scraping among the rough floor and it started to sting as blood emerged. It stung more with each passing second, adding up to the pain on elbows which fortunately seemed to be in a better state. His hair stuck to his forehead with cold sweat and he didn’t even try to look up.
It was better off like this.
“Just go and disappear!” A voice boomed behind him. Hyunseung turned his head slightly, collecting his thoughts but another steps were heard and the door opened, showing him a pair of feet which made his eyes travel upwards, insides filling up with anxiousness and in fear.
Junhyung’s eyes were wide as they met with Hyunseung’s and he saw millions of questions which must’ve crossed his mind. He saw his eyes dart even lower, to his hands and knees, seeing Hyunseung in a mess as he kept silent. He didn’t say a word.
“Who let him in?!” Forceful voice sounded again, louder than ever.
“What’s Hyunseung doing here?” Junhyung immediately inquired with a harsh tone matching to his father’s, face serious and calm but with no tint of anger. He passed Hyunseung slowly and stood before the envelope. There was a moment of silence.
“Don’t tell me…” Junhyung picked it up, turning it around once before taking a peek inside. His gaze shot up and Hyunseung cringed.
“Don’t you even start. We all know this is for the best.” He didn’t try to hide it, his voice was now quieter but still carried the strictness which said the situation was unarguable. Hyunseung just kept his position, not daring to move.
“Can’t you just sto-“
“Junhyung,” he stopped him in mid-sentence, “You know it won’t work. One of you will get hurt, don’t be stupid.” Hyunseung eyed cautiously Junhyung’s back, he didn’t seem to move at all. He just stood here and took it.
“You will always hurt everyone around you.”
Hyunseung opened his mouth but nothing came out. He wanted to argue even though he didn’t believe in it. Wanted to voice it out even though it would be pointless. Wanted to do all that to assure himself that there was a possibility which was close to a zero. But at least it was there.
“I know. Just, let it go.” Junhyung’s voice was almost inaudible. A sigh escaped from the elder male as he passed, taking the envelope and giving a pat on his son’s shoulder, not forgetting to put on a knowing smile.
“Suit yourself.” And he left, Hyunseung could even hear the guard’s footsteps going away, slowly fading off into silence before his attention was back on the situation in the room.
Hyunseung expected Junhyung to leave, to stay in his own world, to keep his face because his eyes were dead, there was not even a speck of light shining even though he tried. He saw him smile as he leaned down and held out a hand and even though that smile held no promise for a better tomorrow, didn’t even seem assuring, it was still a smile.
“I’m sorry about this.”
It had always been Junhyung to strike up a conversation, to annoy him, tease, make him laugh, everything to get the older to utter a single word. Hyunseung was clearly aware of how one-sided it was but he couldn’t help but enjoy it because just the thought someone putting effort into making a conversation made him feel better so he let things go. It became especially visible after that same incident.
That night Junhyung had dropped him off, had made sure Hyunseung got to his bedroom without stumbling and falling down. He had briefly felt lips against his forehead and had heard a soft voice mumbling a couple of words before leaving.
But the last words he remembered weren’t those because what was burnt into his mind were the ones from downstairs minutes later and for some reason it felt like a stab in his heart. It hurt because he hadn’t expected it, didn’t even think it was necessary but something about those specific words made him clench his hands around the blanket.
Junhyung apologized. It was faint but every single word made it through clearly.
Junhyung had always been the one to strike up a conversation and now there was a wide empty gap which dreaded to be filled with words. He had put all his hope into it but it was all in vain as he only got a wave and a smile in return as the younger passed. Occasionally he would ask how the other was doing but Hyunseung had no idea how to be like Junhyung and that’s how the younger would proceed, leaving Hyunseung behind mentally cursing himself.
And sometimes Hyunseung would just stand there and notice how his was reached out just slightly to grab at a sleeve but even this always ended up in regret and never as an action.
He just stood there, had no idea how time passed until Yoseob put his arm around his shoulders, pulled him enough so he would lean on him while leading towards the next class. Even he didn’t say anything, didn’t even ask questions. He didn’t need to.
Not when it was so obvious already.
His mind was practically ordering him to approach the younger, ignore all his attempts to keep his distance and just walk up to him and give a slight punch against his shoulder because it was his fault after all that Hyunseung’s heart had become such a hassle to deal with. It didn’t want to forget his voice, wanted to hear more apart from the greetings which now sounded so different and unpleasant. He just wanted to hear the nonsense Junhyung was always going on about, blabbering to make Hyunseung laugh. He wanted to hear it and wanted to see him.
He missed the other’s eyes gazing at him, sometimes caringly, sometimes in total frustration. Hyunseung couldn’t get enough of any kind of emotion found there, his orbs were just so deep and with every glance he found something new. But now he was distant and Hyunseung had seen enough of it.
It was great luck to meet him at all and with time he understood Junhyung wasn’t avoiding him, the difference was that he wasn’t trying to meet him, didn’t even spare a look when seeing him in the corridors from far away.
Hyunseung’s everyday life went along the rails of normality. He again started paying no attention to people around him, started napping through all of his breaks. Everything that felt so wrong now. It felt just like before when Junhyung’s name reached him only through rumors which he never knew if they were true or not and once again it proved that he owed their whole friendship to the younger and his actions.
And even though it’s not all his fault, he felt guilty.
It would be a bad lie to say he hadn’t thought on giving up because he had, deep and thoroughly. He had thought about it every single minute for the first two weeks with determination of letting go. Let everything go so both of their lives would be easier without avoidable suffering, there would be no mental pain added to their own burdens. Junhyung didn’t need it and Hyunseung had thought it didn’t sound like a bad idea to go back to what they were before - strangers. No pain involved, people forget and life would go on.
It would be easy.
But it changed. After two weeks those thoughts were shredded into pieces, disappearing into air and leaving no traces behind. It lasted only the first two weeks of silence because that’s when Hyunseung realized what the younger was doing and acknowledged the future if he really kept standing there with his arms crossed. He knew he’d lose him if he kept on waiting - it would all go the way Junhyung wanted.
So from then onwards he concentrated on getting Junhyung to talk, to spend some time with him and he even got advice from Yoseob which was a miracle itself. He was impressed how much people were ready to help him, how much he had opened up. Again thanks to Junhyung.
Unfortunately every try was in vain. It was either Junhyung came up with an amazing excuse which couldn’t be pushed back, managed to turn the conversation around or didn’t appear to school at all.
Junhyung was good and he didn’t even have a chance.
But that triggered on the next chain of actions and finally brought him as far as grabbing the younger’s arm in the busy corridor, meeting with eyes full of curiosity and during that short moment he managed to pull Junhyung into a nearby empty classroom. And he was surprised when Junhyung didn’t leave, instead he leaned on a desk and eyed the older, waiting for him to talk with a nonchalant expression.
"So what's up?" Junhyung asked with amusement in his eyes. But at the same time it was blank as something was lacking and not even present.
"Don't be like that. At least talk to me." Hyunseung held his distance, sitting on a chair turned around, chin on the backrest. He knew his choice of words wasn’t the best but he also knew he had to do something before he slipped away once again.
Junhyung didn't say anything, only a small smile managed its way on his lips and he sighed, eyes darting around the room before meeting with Hyunseung’s again. His expression didn’t change.
"Of course, I'm doing that now, aren't I?" He looked like before, he almost acted like before but there was something very essential missing. Hyunseung kept the gaze which the younger was so good reading at but it didn’t help; Junhyung snapped out of it, muttered out an excuse and was on his way.
And Hyunseung did nothing to stop him.
It was no surprise when he found himself in front of Hyunseung’s apartment door, finger on the bell pressed down. The time had got rid of everything apart from anxiousness, he was getting impatient. But even that one uneasy feeling did more damage than expected - it was deleting thoughts and plans he had made ready to be voiced out;; everything was disappearing into nothingness and by the time the door opened, he was as far as not remembering the purpose of his visit at all.
It didn’t matter, nothing did because his brain froze up anyway as it wasn’t Junhyung who answered it.
Those big eyes surprised at the sudden visitor weren’t Junhyung’s.
That frame which usually would move aside to let him in was also certainly not Junhyung’s.
It wasn't Junhyung at all.
It was a girl, a small petite one who he recognized as a freshman. She knew him by the looks of it and she apologized with a voice that fit her so well, soft and slightly melodic to ears as she muttered that she would get Junhyung in a second. He knew her and knew her well.
But what he didn’t know was what he should do now.
"What are you doing here?"
Hyunseung snapped out of his thoughts and saw now Junhyung, leaning against the doorframe just like he had expected him to and even though Hyunseung also got to see the eyes which were carrying the expression he had imagined, he now wished he hadn’t come at all.
"Oh hey." He managed out. "Just wanted to have a chat."
It was hard for him to mouth out those words and it was even harder hearing Junhyung and he knew, he just knew those words would be something he wouldn’t be able to forget.
"Hyunseung." He sighed and it didn’t need any imagination to see what was coming "Just...let it all go, alright?“ Junhyung took a couple of steps closer and Hyunseung could feel a cold hand against his cheek. Their eyes met again. He hated it.
"We both know its better this way." No.
He couldn’t avoid it anymore, he needed to understand these words because his head had been up in the clouds for too long, thinking whatever it wanted, at the same time feeding his intuition with the same poison. These words weren’t new.
Because after all it had lasted long enough…
Who was he to make such a good person suffer due to selfishness?
Who was he to keep holding on?
Hyunseung could only look into his eyes and he saw the other flinch as the elder’s expression changed. He was hurt. All the weight crashed down on his shoulders, his fingers were trembling. He didn’t know what too feel, his eyes were too dry. Nothing felt right anymore and he did what felt to be the best solution - managed on a smile, painful but still there as he muttered a goodbye.
He left with an empty heart and a nauseating feeling as the poison had killed the last butterfly. He wasn’t even tempted to look back, He couldn’t, not when there was something pressing against his chest, making it harder to breathe and he knew he got a good lesson which lately he had started to forget - expectations should be buried before appearing.
Because that's always easier.
It's easy but also so hard. But they keep saying it passes, everything does as time goes on. Everyone needs to learn to deal with it and accept in order to grow as a person and he’s young, there are still many lessons to be learned and different people coming in his way. Their paths would diverge and they would let go.
It was difficult to pass him with a small wave and a smile on his face. It took effort but he managed it, he had to as he remembered someone who had done it for all of his life. Always keep on smiling no matter what is going on, how hard it is; not showing out his dissatisfactions, not showing out anything that was unnecessary. It was totally opposite from Hyunseung who also had been brought up with drama around him, learning how to act was like a survival instinct in some sense but even then it wasn’t as severe.
But it was still so hard. And he wondered, he really did, how Junhyung made it look so easy.
There were no signs of anything out of the order, there was no sign at all giving Hyunseung any hints which he silently wished for. He felt useless for having depended on Junhyung for so long and even more as he still did. He couldn’t help but keep hoping that the younger would bounce before him one day, telling it was all a bad joke.
He shouldn’t, but he still hoped for it.
He shouldn’t because later on he would get too attached, he already was. His feelings may make him go though a breakdown and he couldn’t let that happen as there was too much on stake. But everything was up to him, it had to be him to initiate, to not give Junhyung any rest until he gives in but the question was if there was any point.
Maybe Junhyung knew better, he knew what circumstances were, knew what situations may come up.
Knew how it will end.