[TLB12] The Last Bridge
Title: The Last Bridge - Chapter 12
Word Count: 6169
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Two boys meet, each with their own problems. What path has life laid out for them?
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.
A/N: Don't ask me how the word count went so up...It was originally 4000 and look what happened. Anyway, I was being lazy again (like always) and this chapter had too many words which made me too lazy to check it over. I apologize for being so...Lazy.
Constructive criticism, come to me!!!
Ex: Should I put in more talk between characters? Etc. Come on people, you can do it!
BTW: does anyone know how I can import my text from Word WITH the italics?
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Hyunseung woke up.
Well, isn’t it a marvelous day. Sarcasm was his best friend indeed.
He glanced at the clock which didn’t say much as his neck and back pained him more from the hard surface he had slept on. He felt awful, his face was sticky as he had to pull his hand through hair to get all strands away from it. Even his lips tasted salty which made him cringe. He really hated mornings like these.
Hyunseung blinked a couple of times, his mind mainly empty as he stood up and started stumbling over to the bathroom, legs feeling like he had ran a marathon as random strikes of pain shot through his limbs. He washed fast even though he would’ve liked to stay in bed for the day but he knew better - he doesn’t need to get in trouble for skipping once again. And acting sick wasn’t an option either or he’d have to meet that witch lady that was appointed as their family doctor.
He turned around as he detected moving in the corridor and pulled on a shirt fast, just before the door really opened with a squeak. It surprised Hyunseung to see not his mother but Yoseob with his bright smile and a small wave before he eyed the older and stepped in.
“Hey,” Hyunseung waved his hand in no particular motion as he continued to throw things into his bag. He hadn’t expected to see the younger there - Yoseob preferred to keep away from all kinds of drama. Hyunseung didn’t mind, at least he had company in case he was about to bump into someone he wished he wouldn’t see. And for the main part, he needed someone cheerful - so in a sense Yoseob was perfect for that.
He still felt awful, his head pounded, hands were shaking for no apparent reason and his mind was also in a state he couldn’t even name. Some would call it chaos but no, it wasn’t as severe as that. It was easier this time, he just found himself dealing with it, mainly thanks to his old habits. Not many understand how powerful it can be but also dangerous. But Hyunseung didn’t have any other chance. It hurt, it pained, but it was inevitable.
So many questions ran through his head, the main one being if Junhyung knows about this or not. Every smallest plan based on this small fact. If yes, how should he act? If not, also, how should he act? Should he ignore him? Will he keep away? Will he stay but act as if nothing happened? And as long was the way to school, that exact time was spent on pondering about questions like these.
Hyunseung looked aside to see Yoseob still cheery and full of life, but it was obvious even he was keeping up the act. The way it slightly slipped as the corners of his mouth drooped too low, the way his tone was unstable while forcing emotions into his speech. That’s one of the reasons Hyunseung couldn’t help but admire him - even when he had a lot going on, Yoseob still stayed the same, he was strong enough not to change. But even among that admiration it slightly made Hyunseung feel pathetic about himself for breaking down like he had, for being so introverted, for being so easily influenced by his own feelings, for being…
He shuddered. Him.
“Yoseob?” He asked as they were almost at the point to separate and go to their own classrooms. It was still a long way as most of their classes were in different buildings.
“Hmm?” The younger looked at him, no specific emotion seen from his orbs and Hyunseung knew it only reflected his own eyes.
“Does…” He diverted his gaze far away, “Does Junhyung know?”
He felt like hitting himself for not managing to pull himself together and keep the eye-contact. It made him angry as he didn’t want to be so soft when this topic was being handled. It was understandable. But he was still afraid. Not because he was afraid of Yoseob seeing it, no, there was a slightly different reason - he didn’t want to awake any feelings he had the last night. And the younger’s eyes were the perfect source for that.
But as he didn’t get an answer he finally looked at him to see his gaze locked into distance, even from the side one could see how he was feeling. The younger probably kept blaming himself also, especially as he knew perfectly what the older must’ve gone through later, how he broke down and how it may affect him from now on. Hyunseung hadn’t experienced much apart from pain, meaning that every single knowledge piece he gained could change him completely.
Hyunseung blinked once, twice and in the midway of the third he noticed Yoseob’s mouth part slightly.
“Yes…”
The instant those words escaped his lips Hyunseung felt heaviness crashing down at him. He felt suffocated and suddenly too hot, chills of nervousness ran along his back which he couldn’t even help. In deep of his mind he knew it was the best scenario to avoid even worse situations. But on the other hand, everything hurt, some more, other less. The best choice was to leave it all behind him - how easy that sounded.
He felt someone invading his space and came out of his thoughts to see the younger staring at him.
“Sorry,” Yoseob voiced again.
“Naah, don’t worry about it. See you at lunch then,” Hyunseung said with a small smile as he let his hand go up to the other’s hair and mess with it - a habit he had picked up from certain someone. But it wasn’t for long as he remembered soon and his hand stopped abruptly. Smiles changed to sad ones and Hyunseung heard the younger voice out a ‘see you soon’ before they departed. And already after couple of steps Yoseob took out his phone and sent warning messages to others not to make any mistakes while Hyunseung was just slowly dragging his feet to the class, head full of thoughts he wished he could avoid.
The classes passed fast thanks to Hyunseung nap-times and in no time his stomach gave out a slight growl, meaning it was lunch soon.
And right he was as the bell rang 2 minutes later.
The lunch was lively and it was easy to see who was responsible for that. Everyone seemed to try to keep Hyunseung busy as they told funny stories and asked random questions - every single word seemed to have been filtered by Yoseob himself just in case there could be any misunderstandings. Usually people wouldn’t appreciate one telling the others about his own personal matters but this time Hyunseung felt glad he had. He had to admit it - without Yoseob this lunch would’ve been doomed.
Hyunseung even found himself having quite a nice time and managed to forget that one guy sitting the farthest from him, trying to keep quiet while just eating. But there still was one certain mission for the older, to avoid his eyes as he didn’t want to see what would be reflected back. He didn’t want to see that apologizing glint. He didn’t need that, in his mind Junhyung didn’t have anything to apologize for. It certainly wasn’t his fault for not feeling like wanted to.
Hyunseung wasn’t that immature. Yes, it had been quite something, enough to break him mentally for the first night but that was just his own problem. No one should suffer because of it. He needed to learn how to move on for his own sake and for Junhyung’s also. That was life, if something doesn’t go as planned you can’t just stop, you have to find the best way to go on.
Or at least try.
But if he knew all that, why did it hurt so much when Junhyung grabbed his hand later and told him to stay. Why had it made him look to Yoseob in plead for help? Why was he still being childish?
He hated it.
Hyunseung tried to come up with excuses, tried to tell him he had a class to go to but it seems the younger knew better. Indeed, he was quite informed about his schedule to know it was PE lesson time again - which meant free period.
So much from the hope to get some space from Junhyung to recover, to think about things. But why did he need to have a chat so soon? Couldn’t he see how Hyunseung’s eyes flashed with hurt and flinched at the touch, couldn’t he see how much he wanted to be alone? He was sure he did, but why didn’t he act like so?
Hyunseung finally gave up with a sigh as he followed the younger.
They both walked in silence, side by side, only a centimeter missing between. It really was too soon - Hyunseung’s feelings were still fresh as he felt himself to be lingering onto some faint string of hope. He felt self-conscious and at the same time that familiar warmth spreading inside him. It was sad but nevertheless, it was nice. It hurt, but only this way he could finally make it clear that the person next to him won’t be his, never. And that’s a piece of information that needed not only sink into his mind, but also his heart.
This situation didn’t look promising in any aspects. The only thing felt from it was that same serious but slightly bad vibe, something Hyunseung didn’t want to remember so soon again. It triggered on parts he was slowly locking away but still weak. The walls needed to be strengthened. At least one positive thing about this situation was how Junhyung kept walking. Nice excuse for avoiding his eyes - for both parts involved.
“Hyunseung,” A voice came out, something he hadn’t heard for too long in his sense of timing; a voice that seemed tired, but Hyunseung had noticed already before that he really was exhausted. Had he been out again? He didn’t know. But what he didn’t want it to be was worry.
Pity. He didn’t need the younger to feel that.
But even though his thoughts were telling him this, why did his heart give him a feeling of satisfaction? That not only he was suffering, but also the other part.
Junhyung’s lips parted for the fourth time already, seeming to have a bad habit of not being able to speak his mind about serious issues. Quite ironic as he had always been the one who kept talking about random things, though maybe that was just something he was good at. No matter how it is, at some point Hyunseung just had enough.
“Just say it,” He spoke, trying to keep his tone indifferent which so far seemed to succeed as Junhyung glanced at him fast, not having expected such a reaction. But Hyunseung had to do something. It wasn’t only making him anxious, it was also making him feel weak and vulnerable. He needed time which the world didn’t want to give him.
“Just wanted to explain or…I don’t actually know what I was thinking,” Junhyung let his gaze fall to the ground as he kept hitting a rock as he walked. Even though he had seemed so mature at times, Junhyung was still a school-kid. And it came out perfectly from his actions compared to the usual front he had up.
“Are you ok?”
This question is by far the most annoying ones for the majority of people but Hyunseung saw behind it. They understood each other, making it easier to communicate with even words that most people won’t read much out of but for those two it might be the sentence with the most meaning ever. And in this case it was probably a reassurance that Junhyung still wanted to keep in contact and will accept him the way he is. It meant that he will always be there as a friend if Hyunseung is ready to accept it. The latter couldn’t help but let out a small smile.
Maybe it was all just hope once again.
“Yes, of course. Don’t worry, it was nothing much,” Hyunseung assured him as he looked up into the sky, letting his gaze travel with the clouds.
“Don’t lie,” He heard Junhyung reply and he sighed. There was no point in denying it.
“So why the rush and have this chat? Normal people would let the other side digest this matter,” Hyunseung diverted the topic slightly which the other didn’t seem to mind. But it turned out to be a slight mistake which carved itself into Hyunseung’s heart.
What a small sentence can do - it can change the opinions total 180 degrees.
Usually in this matter Junhyung would’ve said ‘I missed you’ or something along those lines but this time he stopped himself and Hyunseung could see him thinking about his reply. Thinking and thinking, which made Hyunseung also do so and this is the moment he realized - this is how it’ll always be, Junhyung will stay hesitant, he will always be cautious not to give off any hopeful signs.
It stung at Hyunseung’s heart as finally two trails of thought ran across his mind.
Things can never be the same.
They can never be the same.
Hyunseung’s face didn’t have any changes, only his eyes glinted back with some sort of hopelessness. He felt regretful and for the first time he hated his feelings towards the other. He should have found a way to avoid this situation. It would’ve been perfect - as they would still be playing around with each other, just having fun and sometimes going a bit too far. They’d have a blast.
He stopped, making Junhyung stop also and look over with slight confusion. The other didn’t explain, only stepped closer but Junhyung didn’t move either. Hyunseung wasn’t really thinking, only a promise to himself went through his head to never to do this again. This was supposed to be the last time. With that he raised his hand and raised it to the other’s eye-level before letting it slowly touch the hair on the side. His fingers moved slowly, taking in the texture and the softness for the last time. He was going to miss this for sure. It was light, smooth and could be described in one word - perfect.
Junhyung didn’t object, he only kept his eyes locked to his.
“You’re a good guy, you really are,” Hyunseung mumbled out before reluctantly letting his fingers slide down going over the other’s cheek. His skin was soft as ever. And then he walked past Junhyung who didn’t do anything to stop him from leaving. He just stood there, probably having enough thoughts to think about.
One would say it was a silent agreement. It was a promise to continue the way they had before, to leave this all behind and treasure their friendship. No more excuses for acting weird, Hyunseung had accepted this challenge and he was going to keep going. He had the main role in this ‘game’ he liked to call it. Even though both of them didn’t know if it was a good idea to stay too close to each other but at least Hyunseung knew he wouldn’t be able to help it, the thought of Junhyung walking out of his like terrified him too much. And he wasn’t going to let it happen at any cost unless the younger told him so himself.
But something interrupted this peaceful plan of patching things up. Was it good or bad? Who knows. Though lately nothing is known for sure, making it have no difference.
It had been a week and even though that silent promise kept them talking, it was still not enough. And they both were to be blamed for it. Hyunseung hanged around Yoseob most of the time, also accompanied by Dongwoon who joined when he managed to get away from Gikwang (he was fun but at times too much). So that’s how they passed their time, trying to make the best out of the beautiful weathers they had been given.
Junhyung on the other side seemed just busy. Hell, Hyunseung only saw him at lunch and even then their sentences were brief like ‘What’s up?’ and ‘I see Yoseob brought your favorite’. It wasn’t much but at least there was something. The older didn’t ponder about it much, there was no point. Junhyung had started studying on his own and seemingly seemed to do quite good (he still slacked at school as Hyunseung heard from Gikwang that he never takes any books to school). Was it a try to keep up with his image, he didn’t know, but what he did know was that Junhyung was doing well considering his usual situation of rough nights and bruises. Though lately even his physical conditions were better - maybe his missions were safer, maybe he just got better himself. Whatever it was, Hyunseung felt himself to be glad.
What concerns his feelings, people may not see it much as he doesn’t seem to be so open about it like other teenagers. He doesn’t feel the need to be close to Junhyung at all costs - it’s enough knowing he’s fine and somewhere safe. He doesn’t need Junhyung to be his - it’s enough knowing he is near and doing well. This thinking has made Hyunseung never understand films directed at teenagers involving crushes and all that drama. Only thing he could indentify with was being young. He admitted it hurt, a lot, but he showed he had accepted that fact. It didn’t matter what he was feeling, only thing what did matter was to appear stronger.
True, at times he would slip and try to make some business into the other building, just to have a chance of seeing Junhyung, or just does something that attracts the other’s attention but that’s the line - he never goes further. There was no certain thing if Junhyung knew this or not but it also didn’t hold any importance. Everything was going quite well apart from those little complaints to himself like if at first the breathing space was too small then not it was way too huge. It was insignificant but Hyunseung still found himself to be irritated.
But he’s a good boy and does nothing about it.
Well, at least this was his thinking until something changed it again.
It was quite a nice evening. If only he had known what was waiting him ahead he would have crashed at Yoseob’s instantly. If only he had known - people seem to like this sentence way too much.
Hyunseung opened the door and grabbed a pear (somehow he didn’t want to see any apples lately, who knows why) and he was about to go upstairs but something caught his eyes. It was weird, his mother was never home at this time and second, he felt heavy aura coming from the living-room part - his step-father was sitting there. Quite a rare sight indeed. And it could only mean one thing - bad news was coming.
He sighed and let his bag drop to the floor as he surrendered and walked over to the couches, standing behind one while slightly leaning onto the back-rest. “So, what amazing news you have now for me?” His voice was spiked with sarcasm. Hyunseung was definitely not in a joking mood but neither seemed the other two be. And even his younger brother had been hidden away, probably upstairs, meaning that this chat was going to be about him once again.
His mom had made her way over to another couch and sat down before motioning Hyunseung also to do so but the latter declined with a swift move with his head as his eyes stayed on the male figure in the room. His eyes were unreadable or just indifferent but it didn’t matter as it was probably all the same in his case. Hyunseung could practically feel her mother’s apologizing gave to which he stubbornly didn’t intend to answer to.
“Hyunseung,” his step-father’s voice sounded through the room, it was low and something in it always caught attention, “We received a call from your school saying you have skipped quite a lot of your assigned classes. What have you got to say?” The last part was just for illustration as it never really mattered what excuses he had, those like passed by his ears like a wind, nothing staying in between.
“I’m keeping up with my schedule. I am already knowledgeable about some topics they teach in specific lessons so I just spend my time doing something more useful like going to the library and doing some research on other topics for future reference.” Hyunseung kept his tone stable, he had quite a good guess what game he was playing and he didn’t want to give him any satisfaction.
“Remember the deal. We accepted it only if you do well at school but it seems you have gone out of hands. I have even received complaints and it’s not good for my reputation. Tell me, how can I trust such an important branch of my business to you? He stopped once again, letting Hyunseung have a word. At least that’s the one thing Hyunseung could respect him for.
“Yes, but also keep in mind I only do this so I won’t fail you in the future. All the library time has been spent on gaining knowledge about things I’m going to face with in the future. And I’m doing really well at school considering only my studies. No one should be able to complain.” Hyunseung answered, feeling how his mind was slowly starting to boil and he felt harder to keep his emotions in check, especially as he knew what was coming. At times like these he needed to act like a grown-up he wasn’t and as the only father-figure had been his step-father, he unknowingly had started to get accustomed to his ways of acting, which also made him easily readable.
“You know what this means right. We were talking here,” He motioned to Hyunseung’s mother, “And we really feel like you are not fit for leading that branch.”
“So now you’re taking everything from me?” Hyunseung let out a laugh of unbelief; he had enough of trying to be someone he’s not.
“We just feel as if your brother would be more capable,” His mother chimed in. Hyunseung has never hated her more than in situations like these. She was practically useless, leaving her son in the midst of his most important years, leaving him on his own to survive. So what if he had a roof over his head and food on the table, this was never enough, every teenager needs mental support also.
Hyunseung felt his immature side taking over more and more but now he was at the point of not caring. His mind just couldn’t accept how some 12-year-old boy could be defined ‘more capable’ than him. What had he done to deserve to be given all hopes of successfully leading the entire company in the future even though his abilities definitely seemed below Hyunseung’s at his age. That boy seemed to be growing up just like a usual teenager with partying and being pampered to be obnoxious and arrogant. Some would even call him a little…stupid.
“You made me go through all that and now won’t even give me a small bit of it?” Hyunseung felt his hand clench into a fist and he grabbed some of the couch’s material to keep his nails from sinking into his skin. “I know I’m not your real son but come on! You know I’m the best candidate, what the hell are you thinking?!”
“Hyunseung, this is not a matter for discussion, it has been decided,” His voice was calm and stable, which on the other hand made Hyunseung even more irritated as he hit the couch’s back-side with his other hand, making his mother jump in slight surprise.
Was that small bit really too much?
“Please, stop,” His mother’s soft voice sounded to which Hyunseung replied with a cold glare. His mother was taken aback, eyes slightly wide with emotions he couldn’t define. Hyunseung had given her way too many helpless looks in the past to which she responded to by letting her gaze hit the ground. There had never been any hope for help from her, she always agreed to every single word that came out of his step-father’s mouth.
But nevertheless how mad he was, he also knew the fact that he could never win. He was too cornered and had no right to even say anything. It was an impossible situation. So that’s why he kept all his anger inside and gave one last hit to the couch before turning around and leaving. This anger did him no good, he had to get rid of it and try to think with a clear head.
On his way out something in his pocket buzzed and he took it out without really looking who it was.
“What?” He snapped, not being ready to control his voice yet.
“Hey…What’s wrong?” Yoseob’s reluctant voice reached his ear. The older felt a pang of guilt but knew the more he said the worse it would get.
“Not in the mood to talk, feel like trashing something. See you tomorrow,” Hyunseung said as he snapped the phone shut, only hearing the mumble that was still on the other side until the call disconnected. Yoseob would’ve wanted to help but Hyunseung didn’t want any. He felt too disappointed, too angry, annoyed, everything that goes along with that line. He felt hot, he couldn’t keep his hands in one place so he kept clutching into the bag. Sweat was forming on his forehead which he swiped off with one hand movement.
Anger was still boiling in his veins, making him randomly stomp his feet against the ground with no specific purpose. It helped. And every smallest thing that helped was welcome. Without further thought he found himself going towards the sea. There was no way he would be sleeping at home that night. The weather was warm so it was good. If only the rain hadn’t started pouring down like on a queue, waiting for the perfect moment.
On ordinary occasions he would groan about how unlucky he was but this time, it felt refreshing. It made him cool down and gave him a comforting feeling as there wouldn’t be many people coming across in which case he would have to act normal. He could let loose, he could throw his hands around at every high-point of his anger and throw a tantrum. No one would notice him unless some old grandma looking out of the window in her melancholy mood from younger days. Hyunseung could even scream out at times as he knew rain would mute it all. The downpour was heavy; the drops crashed against his head and shoulders and it just made him feel better. It gave him an illusion of being free, doing something he didn’t do often. It was nice.
But the anger didn’t seem to subside. Even when he had sat down and hit his back against the familiar wall harshly, making pain soar through, and even when he continued his random stomps with his feet and fist colliding with the same wall. He needed to express it, this was the main purpose for being there after all but why after all this time it didn’t seem to work? And if it didn’t help why he still kept doing this while giving out small whines out of frustration? Why didn’t it feel enough?
How could they do this to me?
He sat there for who knows how long, looking around and still trying to get himself to calm down. He had never had anger issues apart from the usual teenagers’ angst. He hated being like this, especially as it was too usual lately. He used to be the master of indifference - why couldn’t he be like so about this matter? It was pathetic, he was young, whole life waiting ahead of him but he was being stupid and clung onto something that didn’t belong to him in the first place. He was capable of achieving something and get away from everything he was forced to do in the childhood but he still found himself wanting to do exactly so as he was taught to. Hyunseung didn’t want to run away even though he always criticized their every move. There was still respect. And it wasn’t an immature obsession - it was something he really wanted to do.
But something started irritating him at the back of his mind, an irritation that was far from anger. It just wanted attention and made him look up from the ground his eyes were resting on at that moment. And what he saw was total opposite what he wanted, he saw someone he wished he wouldn’t ever have to see in this state. He must’ve looked like a mess - hair in every direction and in front of his eyes, still damp and dripping along with his clothes which must’ve looked dirty from attracting all the dust in that state. His hands were reddish from random hits that he had kept on doing for quite a while and so were his eyes even though he wasn’t crying.
But still there he was - an umbrella over his head as he just stood in front of the entrance, not stepping inside. He didn’t look directly at Hyunseung, his eyes were hidden by the edge of the umbrella. It was like he was waiting for Hyunseung’s approval which the older didn’t feel like had any other choice but to grant as he gave a nod, looking away while the younger finally stepped in and placed his protection from the rain aside.
From the corners of his eyes Hyunseung saw the younger take slow steps closer to him and he didn’t know why but something made him stand up. He acted on a whim which came from a feeling that he had to leave, now. Hyunseung wanted to be alone, wanted to get over this by himself, and the least he wanted to see was Junhyung - another cause for his pain lately. He didn’t want to feel so attached to him. He wanted to create space.
As Junhyung had reached him, trying to lock their eyes, Hyunseung slightly found himself shoving the other aside as he started walking towards the rain again. It felt to be the only choice, he didn’t want Junhyung to see this childish side of him. He was older, meaning he felt responsible for always acting put-together without letting emotions rule his life. Hyunseung felt like he needed to set a good example. And staying certainly wouldn’t help at all.
Hyunseung could already practically feel raindrops on his skin again and being surrounded by one of his favorite sounds. The drought had made him yearn for rain even more and there was only one step missing from where he felt like he belonged before he felt a hand grabbing around his arm and pulling him back. Hyunseung’s mind didn’t register what was going on before he was locked there with Junhyung’s one arm resting on his back, making sure he didn’t try to make another leave. The older could feel only ashamed of himself.
He struggled, struggled to get free but the attempt failed as it made Junhyung pull him even closer, wrapping both of his arms around Hyunseung, giving the latter an option to rest his head against his shoulder. He had never been good at comforting hugs but this time it came on an instinct, it was the least he could do, especially as he knew Hyunseung wanted to avoid looking at him. The older on the other hand still didn’t stop struggling, he even hit lightly against the other’s chest, making his own hands hurt even more than the impact had been on the other. He kept trying to push him away but to no avail - Junhyung seemed like a rock. Only a warm and quite soft one.
“Just let me go!”
Junhyung didn’t reply, his mouth was shut. Instead he held even tighter, bearing with all the hits that were slowly getting to him thanks to the recent wounds he had worked so hard to hide. There was only one message to his action, ‘No’. Junhyung seemed determined, his expression was serious and no other emotion could be read from it.
“You don’t understand! They…” Hyunseung felt his throat to be suddenly blocked as his breath got also hiked.
“They…” He tried again a second later but failed. He felt even more pathetic for not being able to let out words he wanted to sound confident. He suddenly felt just like telling Junhyung everything and hope that it would make things better. He wanted support and even though it gave him mixed feelings, he felt better when feeling Junhyung do circular motions on his back with one hand and shushing that it was fine but Hyunseung felt like he needed to go on. His anger had subsided, weird that it only seemed that Junhyung was able to do that. But now his mind was taken over by misery which wasn’t a better feeling. It started to sink in, that he was supposed to leave aside his life-dream and find another one. He felt hopeless towards this situation, even with Junhyung by his side.
“Nothing…I’m nothing compared to…” His sentences were still chopped but he kept going on until Junhyung shut the older up by placing his hand over his mouth. It worked like a charm and even more as added to silencing Hyunseung felt a lot calmer feeling his skin against his. Junhyung breathed in and out deeply and the older followed, feeling how his throat started to clear up again.
It seemed Junhyung still had that effect over him. Somehow he got him to do everything he wanted even though he never used it. Somehow he just knew which buttons to push but he decided to let it go. And why? Just to see other sides of Hyunseung which was only possible in this way. It wasn’t a game, just a sincere curiosity as there was so much under the core the older showed and it made Junhyung intrigued.
Finally Hyunseung could feel his mind to be at peace and he looked at the younger, eyes reflecting just what he was feeling. And Junhyung seemed to have understand (let’s forget those little words of help Yoseob had given him some hours ago). But it wasn’t the information that was necessary, it was the other’s feelings which made that glance an opportunity to look into his soul. Hyunseung looked too vulnerable and defenseless and the younger wasn’t afraid to use that chance - he needed to in order to understand him.
Their eyes were locked for 10 seconds before Hyunseung felt himself to be suddenly pulled back into a hug. There was no struggling this time. Hyunseung just let his head res as he found his mind blank. The hollowness inside was beginning to be filled up by that familiar warm feeling he always found himself looking for. It didn’t make him feel happy but it did make him feel a lot better and he found his own hands slowly making its way around the other also, slightly squeezing as a sign of appreciativeness.
Junhyung responded with the same.
“See? It’s all right,” The younger’s voice echoed near his ear and Hyunseung let out a mumble which even he didn’t know the meaning of. It felt so nice, making him never want to let go.
“Remember when we met here the first time?” Junhyung suddenly asked, surprising Hyunseung lightly as he hadn’t expected him to carry on a conversation.
“You were like a lost puppy,” he replied which made the younger chuckle. “But still attractive, your voice had that nice huskiness to it.”
Junhyung chuckled again, not making any deal out of the elder’s sentence. Hyunseung sometimes said things he would later regret but Junhyung didn’t pay much attention to it - it made the other fun and the younger enjoyed it to the max. Compliment was a compliment after all.
“And you looked like…you,” he said with no further thought. He felt like having met someone whose whole personality starts to change you without even the other person knowing. You notice things which also make you look at yourself in that same gaze. It makes it easier to accept your mistakes and correct them. It makes him a better person.
“I’m really glad I took that route,” he continued, letting his fingers play with the hoodie the other had on.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing.” Junhyung said with a smile.
Word Count: 6169
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Two boys meet, each with their own problems. What path has life laid out for them?
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.
A/N: Don't ask me how the word count went so up...It was originally 4000 and look what happened. Anyway, I was being lazy again (like always) and this chapter had too many words which made me too lazy to check it over. I apologize for being so...Lazy.
Constructive criticism, come to me!!!
Ex: Should I put in more talk between characters? Etc. Come on people, you can do it!
BTW: does anyone know how I can import my text from Word WITH the italics?
___________
Hyunseung woke up.
Well, isn’t it a marvelous day. Sarcasm was his best friend indeed.
He glanced at the clock which didn’t say much as his neck and back pained him more from the hard surface he had slept on. He felt awful, his face was sticky as he had to pull his hand through hair to get all strands away from it. Even his lips tasted salty which made him cringe. He really hated mornings like these.
Hyunseung blinked a couple of times, his mind mainly empty as he stood up and started stumbling over to the bathroom, legs feeling like he had ran a marathon as random strikes of pain shot through his limbs. He washed fast even though he would’ve liked to stay in bed for the day but he knew better - he doesn’t need to get in trouble for skipping once again. And acting sick wasn’t an option either or he’d have to meet that witch lady that was appointed as their family doctor.
He turned around as he detected moving in the corridor and pulled on a shirt fast, just before the door really opened with a squeak. It surprised Hyunseung to see not his mother but Yoseob with his bright smile and a small wave before he eyed the older and stepped in.
“Hey,” Hyunseung waved his hand in no particular motion as he continued to throw things into his bag. He hadn’t expected to see the younger there - Yoseob preferred to keep away from all kinds of drama. Hyunseung didn’t mind, at least he had company in case he was about to bump into someone he wished he wouldn’t see. And for the main part, he needed someone cheerful - so in a sense Yoseob was perfect for that.
He still felt awful, his head pounded, hands were shaking for no apparent reason and his mind was also in a state he couldn’t even name. Some would call it chaos but no, it wasn’t as severe as that. It was easier this time, he just found himself dealing with it, mainly thanks to his old habits. Not many understand how powerful it can be but also dangerous. But Hyunseung didn’t have any other chance. It hurt, it pained, but it was inevitable.
So many questions ran through his head, the main one being if Junhyung knows about this or not. Every smallest plan based on this small fact. If yes, how should he act? If not, also, how should he act? Should he ignore him? Will he keep away? Will he stay but act as if nothing happened? And as long was the way to school, that exact time was spent on pondering about questions like these.
Hyunseung looked aside to see Yoseob still cheery and full of life, but it was obvious even he was keeping up the act. The way it slightly slipped as the corners of his mouth drooped too low, the way his tone was unstable while forcing emotions into his speech. That’s one of the reasons Hyunseung couldn’t help but admire him - even when he had a lot going on, Yoseob still stayed the same, he was strong enough not to change. But even among that admiration it slightly made Hyunseung feel pathetic about himself for breaking down like he had, for being so introverted, for being so easily influenced by his own feelings, for being…
He shuddered. Him.
“Yoseob?” He asked as they were almost at the point to separate and go to their own classrooms. It was still a long way as most of their classes were in different buildings.
“Hmm?” The younger looked at him, no specific emotion seen from his orbs and Hyunseung knew it only reflected his own eyes.
“Does…” He diverted his gaze far away, “Does Junhyung know?”
He felt like hitting himself for not managing to pull himself together and keep the eye-contact. It made him angry as he didn’t want to be so soft when this topic was being handled. It was understandable. But he was still afraid. Not because he was afraid of Yoseob seeing it, no, there was a slightly different reason - he didn’t want to awake any feelings he had the last night. And the younger’s eyes were the perfect source for that.
But as he didn’t get an answer he finally looked at him to see his gaze locked into distance, even from the side one could see how he was feeling. The younger probably kept blaming himself also, especially as he knew perfectly what the older must’ve gone through later, how he broke down and how it may affect him from now on. Hyunseung hadn’t experienced much apart from pain, meaning that every single knowledge piece he gained could change him completely.
Hyunseung blinked once, twice and in the midway of the third he noticed Yoseob’s mouth part slightly.
“Yes…”
The instant those words escaped his lips Hyunseung felt heaviness crashing down at him. He felt suffocated and suddenly too hot, chills of nervousness ran along his back which he couldn’t even help. In deep of his mind he knew it was the best scenario to avoid even worse situations. But on the other hand, everything hurt, some more, other less. The best choice was to leave it all behind him - how easy that sounded.
He felt someone invading his space and came out of his thoughts to see the younger staring at him.
“Sorry,” Yoseob voiced again.
“Naah, don’t worry about it. See you at lunch then,” Hyunseung said with a small smile as he let his hand go up to the other’s hair and mess with it - a habit he had picked up from certain someone. But it wasn’t for long as he remembered soon and his hand stopped abruptly. Smiles changed to sad ones and Hyunseung heard the younger voice out a ‘see you soon’ before they departed. And already after couple of steps Yoseob took out his phone and sent warning messages to others not to make any mistakes while Hyunseung was just slowly dragging his feet to the class, head full of thoughts he wished he could avoid.
The classes passed fast thanks to Hyunseung nap-times and in no time his stomach gave out a slight growl, meaning it was lunch soon.
And right he was as the bell rang 2 minutes later.
The lunch was lively and it was easy to see who was responsible for that. Everyone seemed to try to keep Hyunseung busy as they told funny stories and asked random questions - every single word seemed to have been filtered by Yoseob himself just in case there could be any misunderstandings. Usually people wouldn’t appreciate one telling the others about his own personal matters but this time Hyunseung felt glad he had. He had to admit it - without Yoseob this lunch would’ve been doomed.
Hyunseung even found himself having quite a nice time and managed to forget that one guy sitting the farthest from him, trying to keep quiet while just eating. But there still was one certain mission for the older, to avoid his eyes as he didn’t want to see what would be reflected back. He didn’t want to see that apologizing glint. He didn’t need that, in his mind Junhyung didn’t have anything to apologize for. It certainly wasn’t his fault for not feeling like wanted to.
Hyunseung wasn’t that immature. Yes, it had been quite something, enough to break him mentally for the first night but that was just his own problem. No one should suffer because of it. He needed to learn how to move on for his own sake and for Junhyung’s also. That was life, if something doesn’t go as planned you can’t just stop, you have to find the best way to go on.
Or at least try.
But if he knew all that, why did it hurt so much when Junhyung grabbed his hand later and told him to stay. Why had it made him look to Yoseob in plead for help? Why was he still being childish?
He hated it.
Hyunseung tried to come up with excuses, tried to tell him he had a class to go to but it seems the younger knew better. Indeed, he was quite informed about his schedule to know it was PE lesson time again - which meant free period.
So much from the hope to get some space from Junhyung to recover, to think about things. But why did he need to have a chat so soon? Couldn’t he see how Hyunseung’s eyes flashed with hurt and flinched at the touch, couldn’t he see how much he wanted to be alone? He was sure he did, but why didn’t he act like so?
Hyunseung finally gave up with a sigh as he followed the younger.
They both walked in silence, side by side, only a centimeter missing between. It really was too soon - Hyunseung’s feelings were still fresh as he felt himself to be lingering onto some faint string of hope. He felt self-conscious and at the same time that familiar warmth spreading inside him. It was sad but nevertheless, it was nice. It hurt, but only this way he could finally make it clear that the person next to him won’t be his, never. And that’s a piece of information that needed not only sink into his mind, but also his heart.
This situation didn’t look promising in any aspects. The only thing felt from it was that same serious but slightly bad vibe, something Hyunseung didn’t want to remember so soon again. It triggered on parts he was slowly locking away but still weak. The walls needed to be strengthened. At least one positive thing about this situation was how Junhyung kept walking. Nice excuse for avoiding his eyes - for both parts involved.
“Hyunseung,” A voice came out, something he hadn’t heard for too long in his sense of timing; a voice that seemed tired, but Hyunseung had noticed already before that he really was exhausted. Had he been out again? He didn’t know. But what he didn’t want it to be was worry.
Pity. He didn’t need the younger to feel that.
But even though his thoughts were telling him this, why did his heart give him a feeling of satisfaction? That not only he was suffering, but also the other part.
Junhyung’s lips parted for the fourth time already, seeming to have a bad habit of not being able to speak his mind about serious issues. Quite ironic as he had always been the one who kept talking about random things, though maybe that was just something he was good at. No matter how it is, at some point Hyunseung just had enough.
“Just say it,” He spoke, trying to keep his tone indifferent which so far seemed to succeed as Junhyung glanced at him fast, not having expected such a reaction. But Hyunseung had to do something. It wasn’t only making him anxious, it was also making him feel weak and vulnerable. He needed time which the world didn’t want to give him.
“Just wanted to explain or…I don’t actually know what I was thinking,” Junhyung let his gaze fall to the ground as he kept hitting a rock as he walked. Even though he had seemed so mature at times, Junhyung was still a school-kid. And it came out perfectly from his actions compared to the usual front he had up.
“Are you ok?”
This question is by far the most annoying ones for the majority of people but Hyunseung saw behind it. They understood each other, making it easier to communicate with even words that most people won’t read much out of but for those two it might be the sentence with the most meaning ever. And in this case it was probably a reassurance that Junhyung still wanted to keep in contact and will accept him the way he is. It meant that he will always be there as a friend if Hyunseung is ready to accept it. The latter couldn’t help but let out a small smile.
Maybe it was all just hope once again.
“Yes, of course. Don’t worry, it was nothing much,” Hyunseung assured him as he looked up into the sky, letting his gaze travel with the clouds.
“Don’t lie,” He heard Junhyung reply and he sighed. There was no point in denying it.
“So why the rush and have this chat? Normal people would let the other side digest this matter,” Hyunseung diverted the topic slightly which the other didn’t seem to mind. But it turned out to be a slight mistake which carved itself into Hyunseung’s heart.
What a small sentence can do - it can change the opinions total 180 degrees.
Usually in this matter Junhyung would’ve said ‘I missed you’ or something along those lines but this time he stopped himself and Hyunseung could see him thinking about his reply. Thinking and thinking, which made Hyunseung also do so and this is the moment he realized - this is how it’ll always be, Junhyung will stay hesitant, he will always be cautious not to give off any hopeful signs.
It stung at Hyunseung’s heart as finally two trails of thought ran across his mind.
Things can never be the same.
They can never be the same.
Hyunseung’s face didn’t have any changes, only his eyes glinted back with some sort of hopelessness. He felt regretful and for the first time he hated his feelings towards the other. He should have found a way to avoid this situation. It would’ve been perfect - as they would still be playing around with each other, just having fun and sometimes going a bit too far. They’d have a blast.
He stopped, making Junhyung stop also and look over with slight confusion. The other didn’t explain, only stepped closer but Junhyung didn’t move either. Hyunseung wasn’t really thinking, only a promise to himself went through his head to never to do this again. This was supposed to be the last time. With that he raised his hand and raised it to the other’s eye-level before letting it slowly touch the hair on the side. His fingers moved slowly, taking in the texture and the softness for the last time. He was going to miss this for sure. It was light, smooth and could be described in one word - perfect.
Junhyung didn’t object, he only kept his eyes locked to his.
“You’re a good guy, you really are,” Hyunseung mumbled out before reluctantly letting his fingers slide down going over the other’s cheek. His skin was soft as ever. And then he walked past Junhyung who didn’t do anything to stop him from leaving. He just stood there, probably having enough thoughts to think about.
One would say it was a silent agreement. It was a promise to continue the way they had before, to leave this all behind and treasure their friendship. No more excuses for acting weird, Hyunseung had accepted this challenge and he was going to keep going. He had the main role in this ‘game’ he liked to call it. Even though both of them didn’t know if it was a good idea to stay too close to each other but at least Hyunseung knew he wouldn’t be able to help it, the thought of Junhyung walking out of his like terrified him too much. And he wasn’t going to let it happen at any cost unless the younger told him so himself.
But something interrupted this peaceful plan of patching things up. Was it good or bad? Who knows. Though lately nothing is known for sure, making it have no difference.
It had been a week and even though that silent promise kept them talking, it was still not enough. And they both were to be blamed for it. Hyunseung hanged around Yoseob most of the time, also accompanied by Dongwoon who joined when he managed to get away from Gikwang (he was fun but at times too much). So that’s how they passed their time, trying to make the best out of the beautiful weathers they had been given.
Junhyung on the other side seemed just busy. Hell, Hyunseung only saw him at lunch and even then their sentences were brief like ‘What’s up?’ and ‘I see Yoseob brought your favorite’. It wasn’t much but at least there was something. The older didn’t ponder about it much, there was no point. Junhyung had started studying on his own and seemingly seemed to do quite good (he still slacked at school as Hyunseung heard from Gikwang that he never takes any books to school). Was it a try to keep up with his image, he didn’t know, but what he did know was that Junhyung was doing well considering his usual situation of rough nights and bruises. Though lately even his physical conditions were better - maybe his missions were safer, maybe he just got better himself. Whatever it was, Hyunseung felt himself to be glad.
What concerns his feelings, people may not see it much as he doesn’t seem to be so open about it like other teenagers. He doesn’t feel the need to be close to Junhyung at all costs - it’s enough knowing he’s fine and somewhere safe. He doesn’t need Junhyung to be his - it’s enough knowing he is near and doing well. This thinking has made Hyunseung never understand films directed at teenagers involving crushes and all that drama. Only thing he could indentify with was being young. He admitted it hurt, a lot, but he showed he had accepted that fact. It didn’t matter what he was feeling, only thing what did matter was to appear stronger.
True, at times he would slip and try to make some business into the other building, just to have a chance of seeing Junhyung, or just does something that attracts the other’s attention but that’s the line - he never goes further. There was no certain thing if Junhyung knew this or not but it also didn’t hold any importance. Everything was going quite well apart from those little complaints to himself like if at first the breathing space was too small then not it was way too huge. It was insignificant but Hyunseung still found himself to be irritated.
But he’s a good boy and does nothing about it.
Well, at least this was his thinking until something changed it again.
It was quite a nice evening. If only he had known what was waiting him ahead he would have crashed at Yoseob’s instantly. If only he had known - people seem to like this sentence way too much.
Hyunseung opened the door and grabbed a pear (somehow he didn’t want to see any apples lately, who knows why) and he was about to go upstairs but something caught his eyes. It was weird, his mother was never home at this time and second, he felt heavy aura coming from the living-room part - his step-father was sitting there. Quite a rare sight indeed. And it could only mean one thing - bad news was coming.
He sighed and let his bag drop to the floor as he surrendered and walked over to the couches, standing behind one while slightly leaning onto the back-rest. “So, what amazing news you have now for me?” His voice was spiked with sarcasm. Hyunseung was definitely not in a joking mood but neither seemed the other two be. And even his younger brother had been hidden away, probably upstairs, meaning that this chat was going to be about him once again.
His mom had made her way over to another couch and sat down before motioning Hyunseung also to do so but the latter declined with a swift move with his head as his eyes stayed on the male figure in the room. His eyes were unreadable or just indifferent but it didn’t matter as it was probably all the same in his case. Hyunseung could practically feel her mother’s apologizing gave to which he stubbornly didn’t intend to answer to.
“Hyunseung,” his step-father’s voice sounded through the room, it was low and something in it always caught attention, “We received a call from your school saying you have skipped quite a lot of your assigned classes. What have you got to say?” The last part was just for illustration as it never really mattered what excuses he had, those like passed by his ears like a wind, nothing staying in between.
“I’m keeping up with my schedule. I am already knowledgeable about some topics they teach in specific lessons so I just spend my time doing something more useful like going to the library and doing some research on other topics for future reference.” Hyunseung kept his tone stable, he had quite a good guess what game he was playing and he didn’t want to give him any satisfaction.
“Remember the deal. We accepted it only if you do well at school but it seems you have gone out of hands. I have even received complaints and it’s not good for my reputation. Tell me, how can I trust such an important branch of my business to you? He stopped once again, letting Hyunseung have a word. At least that’s the one thing Hyunseung could respect him for.
“Yes, but also keep in mind I only do this so I won’t fail you in the future. All the library time has been spent on gaining knowledge about things I’m going to face with in the future. And I’m doing really well at school considering only my studies. No one should be able to complain.” Hyunseung answered, feeling how his mind was slowly starting to boil and he felt harder to keep his emotions in check, especially as he knew what was coming. At times like these he needed to act like a grown-up he wasn’t and as the only father-figure had been his step-father, he unknowingly had started to get accustomed to his ways of acting, which also made him easily readable.
“You know what this means right. We were talking here,” He motioned to Hyunseung’s mother, “And we really feel like you are not fit for leading that branch.”
“So now you’re taking everything from me?” Hyunseung let out a laugh of unbelief; he had enough of trying to be someone he’s not.
“We just feel as if your brother would be more capable,” His mother chimed in. Hyunseung has never hated her more than in situations like these. She was practically useless, leaving her son in the midst of his most important years, leaving him on his own to survive. So what if he had a roof over his head and food on the table, this was never enough, every teenager needs mental support also.
Hyunseung felt his immature side taking over more and more but now he was at the point of not caring. His mind just couldn’t accept how some 12-year-old boy could be defined ‘more capable’ than him. What had he done to deserve to be given all hopes of successfully leading the entire company in the future even though his abilities definitely seemed below Hyunseung’s at his age. That boy seemed to be growing up just like a usual teenager with partying and being pampered to be obnoxious and arrogant. Some would even call him a little…stupid.
“You made me go through all that and now won’t even give me a small bit of it?” Hyunseung felt his hand clench into a fist and he grabbed some of the couch’s material to keep his nails from sinking into his skin. “I know I’m not your real son but come on! You know I’m the best candidate, what the hell are you thinking?!”
“Hyunseung, this is not a matter for discussion, it has been decided,” His voice was calm and stable, which on the other hand made Hyunseung even more irritated as he hit the couch’s back-side with his other hand, making his mother jump in slight surprise.
Was that small bit really too much?
“Please, stop,” His mother’s soft voice sounded to which Hyunseung replied with a cold glare. His mother was taken aback, eyes slightly wide with emotions he couldn’t define. Hyunseung had given her way too many helpless looks in the past to which she responded to by letting her gaze hit the ground. There had never been any hope for help from her, she always agreed to every single word that came out of his step-father’s mouth.
But nevertheless how mad he was, he also knew the fact that he could never win. He was too cornered and had no right to even say anything. It was an impossible situation. So that’s why he kept all his anger inside and gave one last hit to the couch before turning around and leaving. This anger did him no good, he had to get rid of it and try to think with a clear head.
On his way out something in his pocket buzzed and he took it out without really looking who it was.
“What?” He snapped, not being ready to control his voice yet.
“Hey…What’s wrong?” Yoseob’s reluctant voice reached his ear. The older felt a pang of guilt but knew the more he said the worse it would get.
“Not in the mood to talk, feel like trashing something. See you tomorrow,” Hyunseung said as he snapped the phone shut, only hearing the mumble that was still on the other side until the call disconnected. Yoseob would’ve wanted to help but Hyunseung didn’t want any. He felt too disappointed, too angry, annoyed, everything that goes along with that line. He felt hot, he couldn’t keep his hands in one place so he kept clutching into the bag. Sweat was forming on his forehead which he swiped off with one hand movement.
Anger was still boiling in his veins, making him randomly stomp his feet against the ground with no specific purpose. It helped. And every smallest thing that helped was welcome. Without further thought he found himself going towards the sea. There was no way he would be sleeping at home that night. The weather was warm so it was good. If only the rain hadn’t started pouring down like on a queue, waiting for the perfect moment.
On ordinary occasions he would groan about how unlucky he was but this time, it felt refreshing. It made him cool down and gave him a comforting feeling as there wouldn’t be many people coming across in which case he would have to act normal. He could let loose, he could throw his hands around at every high-point of his anger and throw a tantrum. No one would notice him unless some old grandma looking out of the window in her melancholy mood from younger days. Hyunseung could even scream out at times as he knew rain would mute it all. The downpour was heavy; the drops crashed against his head and shoulders and it just made him feel better. It gave him an illusion of being free, doing something he didn’t do often. It was nice.
But the anger didn’t seem to subside. Even when he had sat down and hit his back against the familiar wall harshly, making pain soar through, and even when he continued his random stomps with his feet and fist colliding with the same wall. He needed to express it, this was the main purpose for being there after all but why after all this time it didn’t seem to work? And if it didn’t help why he still kept doing this while giving out small whines out of frustration? Why didn’t it feel enough?
How could they do this to me?
He sat there for who knows how long, looking around and still trying to get himself to calm down. He had never had anger issues apart from the usual teenagers’ angst. He hated being like this, especially as it was too usual lately. He used to be the master of indifference - why couldn’t he be like so about this matter? It was pathetic, he was young, whole life waiting ahead of him but he was being stupid and clung onto something that didn’t belong to him in the first place. He was capable of achieving something and get away from everything he was forced to do in the childhood but he still found himself wanting to do exactly so as he was taught to. Hyunseung didn’t want to run away even though he always criticized their every move. There was still respect. And it wasn’t an immature obsession - it was something he really wanted to do.
But something started irritating him at the back of his mind, an irritation that was far from anger. It just wanted attention and made him look up from the ground his eyes were resting on at that moment. And what he saw was total opposite what he wanted, he saw someone he wished he wouldn’t ever have to see in this state. He must’ve looked like a mess - hair in every direction and in front of his eyes, still damp and dripping along with his clothes which must’ve looked dirty from attracting all the dust in that state. His hands were reddish from random hits that he had kept on doing for quite a while and so were his eyes even though he wasn’t crying.
But still there he was - an umbrella over his head as he just stood in front of the entrance, not stepping inside. He didn’t look directly at Hyunseung, his eyes were hidden by the edge of the umbrella. It was like he was waiting for Hyunseung’s approval which the older didn’t feel like had any other choice but to grant as he gave a nod, looking away while the younger finally stepped in and placed his protection from the rain aside.
From the corners of his eyes Hyunseung saw the younger take slow steps closer to him and he didn’t know why but something made him stand up. He acted on a whim which came from a feeling that he had to leave, now. Hyunseung wanted to be alone, wanted to get over this by himself, and the least he wanted to see was Junhyung - another cause for his pain lately. He didn’t want to feel so attached to him. He wanted to create space.
As Junhyung had reached him, trying to lock their eyes, Hyunseung slightly found himself shoving the other aside as he started walking towards the rain again. It felt to be the only choice, he didn’t want Junhyung to see this childish side of him. He was older, meaning he felt responsible for always acting put-together without letting emotions rule his life. Hyunseung felt like he needed to set a good example. And staying certainly wouldn’t help at all.
Hyunseung could already practically feel raindrops on his skin again and being surrounded by one of his favorite sounds. The drought had made him yearn for rain even more and there was only one step missing from where he felt like he belonged before he felt a hand grabbing around his arm and pulling him back. Hyunseung’s mind didn’t register what was going on before he was locked there with Junhyung’s one arm resting on his back, making sure he didn’t try to make another leave. The older could feel only ashamed of himself.
He struggled, struggled to get free but the attempt failed as it made Junhyung pull him even closer, wrapping both of his arms around Hyunseung, giving the latter an option to rest his head against his shoulder. He had never been good at comforting hugs but this time it came on an instinct, it was the least he could do, especially as he knew Hyunseung wanted to avoid looking at him. The older on the other hand still didn’t stop struggling, he even hit lightly against the other’s chest, making his own hands hurt even more than the impact had been on the other. He kept trying to push him away but to no avail - Junhyung seemed like a rock. Only a warm and quite soft one.
“Just let me go!”
Junhyung didn’t reply, his mouth was shut. Instead he held even tighter, bearing with all the hits that were slowly getting to him thanks to the recent wounds he had worked so hard to hide. There was only one message to his action, ‘No’. Junhyung seemed determined, his expression was serious and no other emotion could be read from it.
“You don’t understand! They…” Hyunseung felt his throat to be suddenly blocked as his breath got also hiked.
“They…” He tried again a second later but failed. He felt even more pathetic for not being able to let out words he wanted to sound confident. He suddenly felt just like telling Junhyung everything and hope that it would make things better. He wanted support and even though it gave him mixed feelings, he felt better when feeling Junhyung do circular motions on his back with one hand and shushing that it was fine but Hyunseung felt like he needed to go on. His anger had subsided, weird that it only seemed that Junhyung was able to do that. But now his mind was taken over by misery which wasn’t a better feeling. It started to sink in, that he was supposed to leave aside his life-dream and find another one. He felt hopeless towards this situation, even with Junhyung by his side.
“Nothing…I’m nothing compared to…” His sentences were still chopped but he kept going on until Junhyung shut the older up by placing his hand over his mouth. It worked like a charm and even more as added to silencing Hyunseung felt a lot calmer feeling his skin against his. Junhyung breathed in and out deeply and the older followed, feeling how his throat started to clear up again.
It seemed Junhyung still had that effect over him. Somehow he got him to do everything he wanted even though he never used it. Somehow he just knew which buttons to push but he decided to let it go. And why? Just to see other sides of Hyunseung which was only possible in this way. It wasn’t a game, just a sincere curiosity as there was so much under the core the older showed and it made Junhyung intrigued.
Finally Hyunseung could feel his mind to be at peace and he looked at the younger, eyes reflecting just what he was feeling. And Junhyung seemed to have understand (let’s forget those little words of help Yoseob had given him some hours ago). But it wasn’t the information that was necessary, it was the other’s feelings which made that glance an opportunity to look into his soul. Hyunseung looked too vulnerable and defenseless and the younger wasn’t afraid to use that chance - he needed to in order to understand him.
Their eyes were locked for 10 seconds before Hyunseung felt himself to be suddenly pulled back into a hug. There was no struggling this time. Hyunseung just let his head res as he found his mind blank. The hollowness inside was beginning to be filled up by that familiar warm feeling he always found himself looking for. It didn’t make him feel happy but it did make him feel a lot better and he found his own hands slowly making its way around the other also, slightly squeezing as a sign of appreciativeness.
Junhyung responded with the same.
“See? It’s all right,” The younger’s voice echoed near his ear and Hyunseung let out a mumble which even he didn’t know the meaning of. It felt so nice, making him never want to let go.
“Remember when we met here the first time?” Junhyung suddenly asked, surprising Hyunseung lightly as he hadn’t expected him to carry on a conversation.
“You were like a lost puppy,” he replied which made the younger chuckle. “But still attractive, your voice had that nice huskiness to it.”
Junhyung chuckled again, not making any deal out of the elder’s sentence. Hyunseung sometimes said things he would later regret but Junhyung didn’t pay much attention to it - it made the other fun and the younger enjoyed it to the max. Compliment was a compliment after all.
“And you looked like…you,” he said with no further thought. He felt like having met someone whose whole personality starts to change you without even the other person knowing. You notice things which also make you look at yourself in that same gaze. It makes it easier to accept your mistakes and correct them. It makes him a better person.
“I’m really glad I took that route,” he continued, letting his fingers play with the hoodie the other had on.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing.” Junhyung said with a smile.