a huge rant
currently i am so far regressed from where I was when I left USC...
I hate myself, i hate my poor decisions, I hate then when I fuck up once I fuck up my entire life, I hate being home, I hate what it does to me, I hate how for some reason I am not allowed to be happy for long periods of times, I hate that I don't know what to do, i hate that everyone hates me, i hate that there is never someone around when I most need someone, i hate that nothing seems to work out for me, i hate losing control, i hate doing things that i don't mean to do, i hate that i miss my grandma so much that I can barely be around my grandfather, i hate that in the end it is all my fault and I can only blame myself...
I am sorry I have let everyone down and sorry for ruining everyone's life...at the moment, i am sorry i ever joined bbg cuz if I hadn't i would not be in this mess, i would not know most of these people...i am sorry for being so over dramatic right now, but I am hurting and I don't know what to do with myself.
I am probably going to disappear into a corner for a very long time only very few of you will see me and its prob the only people who care to see me and like me right now. I have lost all but a few of my friends and I have done it to myself and for right now i don't care because I don't want to see anyone. Why when I mess up does no one ever forgive me when i care about everyone no matter what they do. I have turned into this horrible shell of a person because I care too much about people and when they stop caring about me I try to not care. I am not suicidal, but really do not want to go on. I'd be fine never seeing anyone again right now.
None of you have to worry about dealing with me this summer. I have officially decided to go back to camp because I can't be here. Home just represents way too much pain for me...so i guess this is my way of saying goodbye and that I won't bother you people again. I hope you all have good lives and find happiness because after all happiness is what life is about...
ps thank you lindsay, lauren, shannon, and laura for being the only people who have made me smile or given me a reason to want to live the past two days
pps I knew i was going to end up in therapy one day, but didn't know it would be over something as stupid as this...all the self esteem i have worked on building is gone
ppps by no means am i writing this asking for a pity party, i just needed an outlet a way to express myself and let everyone know where i stand
i really hope USC wins the rose bowl and that my tickets do not fall through because that is the only thing that is going to bring any life back to me...