Week 0: Introduction
Yesterday, I would have told you that I was strong.
Competent. Determined. Loyal. Yesterday, I would have done a play by play of how I've grown in the past few years. I would have let you know my plans for the future, that I can't wait to have a little girl someday to teach the things that I've learned in my short 27 years of life. Yesterday, I would have told you that everything was going to be okay, because I had hope that it would.
But that was yesterday, and so much has happened since then.
I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. That happens sometimes, but usually when I've had too much to drink the night before, or if I'm sick (which rarely happens, thankfully). I felt dull and drab and depressed. It wasn't even like anything personally had happened to me, but I was scared. I was terrified of the possibilities. I think the election had a lot of people feeling like that.
I laughed, you know. He said he was running for president and I laughed. We all did. "There's no way," we all thought, as the primaries came and went and he was the Republican candidate. But then last night, he was actually elected President.
So much of who I am is the reason why I couldn't place a vote for him. I've been through a lot, but more importantly, there's so much others have been through that deeply affect me, daily. I'm a therapist, and, working with kids, in a fairly crime and poverty stricken area, is really tough. So when a kid comes in wearing a "Hillary is my Home girl" shirt, and I ask about her views, it breaks my heart today to think that she said, "Well, I know that if she gets elected to be president, then maybe I can, too."
I think of the accusations, the leaked tapes that talk of sexual assaulting women, the lawsuits, the bankruptcies. I think of all of the different things that made me choose to vote against him. I think of Brock Turner who barely got a sentence for raping a girl behind a dumpster. I think of how we just chose a man who has said that sexual assault is okay.
I think about the time when I was too drunk to stand, so a boy took me into the spare bedroom and started touching me in places that I didn't want him to. I kept pushing at him, but he wouldn't get off of me. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up as I kept saying "no" until I finally said "I'm going to throw up" and he got off of me. I was lucky. I just got his hands, while others might have gotten much worse. I think about how ashamed I was for something I didn't even ask for. I didn't ask for him to do that to me. I didn't ask for my friends to say, "Well, you were all over him," justifying his behavior. I didn't ask for the weeks of recovering from that to even think about hanging out with a guy again.
And so, yesterday, i might have told you about how great I am. How I'm a dreamer and a believer, and I have hope in the future, and that I can't wait for my little girl to grow up and experience the world in a positive way. Yesterday, maybe.
But today, I tell you that I am a fighter. I don't give up. I know that we might not have gotten the results that we wanted last night, but I know that, just like before, it might take a while to recover, but doing so will make me stronger. I will continue to fight for my kids. I will continue to hope. And I will continue to be scared, yet not let my fear drive me to submission.
Because I am strong. Competent. Determined. Loyal. I've grown a lot in the past few years, going to grad school, moving from state to state, settling down, soon to be married. I can't wait to have a little girl someday that I can teach her how to be all those things, and to strive for greatness. And maybe one day, my little girl will get to stay up all night with me as we watch history being made with the first women president. Because everything is going to be okay.