Imaginary Conversations with my Children
Baby Girl: AAAAAAGH!
Me: What? What is it?
Baby Girl: IT ISN'T WORKING!
Me: What isn't-ooh, you rolled over while my back was turned! And you're propping yourself on your elbows, good for you!
Baby Girl: Never mind that, Mommy, I've been able to do that for days. You know that. No, I want to know why it doesn't work when I do this . . .
Me: That's some excellent hand-over-hand motion-oh, you want to be able to crawl?
Baby Girl: Yes!
Me: Okay, well-I don't think it'll work until you can get your knees under you. I can sit behind you and give you something to push against-
Baby Girl: That only works when you're here. I want to crawl by myself!
Me: Soon. You'll be able to crawl soon. Let me put you in your bouncy chair so you can exercise your legs.
Baby Girl: Eeee! Heheheh, bouncy, bouncy-ooh, a green music-playing button!
*brief interlude*
Baby Girl: The green music-playing button spitefully refuses to be picked up and eaten!
Me: Yes, that's an ongoing problem, isn't it? Okay, let's put you down on the rug again.
Baby Girl: . . .
Baby Girl: . . . I can't crawl yet.
Me: Well, no. You aren't-
Baby Girl: You said soon.
Me: Yes, but I didn't mean "in five minutes."
Baby Girl: What did you mean?
Me: Well, judging by how well you've been sitting up, I'd say it shouldn't be more than a month-
Baby Girl: A MONTH?!
Me: Sweetie, the muscles just aren't there yet-
Baby Girl: THAT'S ONE-FIFTH OF THE AGE OF THE OBSERVABLE UNIVERSE!
Me: No, the observable universe doesn't mean the universe you've personally observed, it means-actually, you have a really good point. I shouldn't have said "soon." But-
Baby Girl: THE LONG-NECKED THINGS ON YOUR STUPID KEYBOARD-Y ATTENTION-STEALER WALK AN HOUR AFTER THEY'RE BORN! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION!
Me: Shhh, shhh, I've got you. Love, the baby giraffes have problems too. Locating their feet, mostly. And everyone confusing them with Matt Smith, although as problems go, that's a pretty sweet one-
Baby Girl: MY BROTHER CAN MAKE IT HALFWAY ACROSS THE RUG! THIS IS SEXISM!
Me: Okay, for the record, I have no idea how your brother wedged himself under the TV stand, because he can't crawl either. My guess is two sideways rolls and some very determined wiggling, but since he only scoots across the rug when I'm in the bathroom, like some sort of cut-rate Doctor Who monster-
Baby Girl: I AM MAD AS HELL AND I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE RIGHTS! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO MY SENATOR!
Me: . . . Why don't I get you a bottle of milk?
Baby Girl: I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE ENTIRE SUPREME COURT! THIS IS INTOLERABLE! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! THISZZzzzzzz . . .
Me: *returning with the bottle of milk* Awww . . .
Baby Boy: Ahem. So, I understand you have a bottle of milk you'd like to get rid of. I'd be happy to do that job for the small price of you give me cuddles.
Me: . . . Okay. Deal.
tl:dr: Sometimes, being a baby is insanely frustrating. Luckily, the naps are frequent.
Me: What? What is it?
Baby Girl: IT ISN'T WORKING!
Me: What isn't-ooh, you rolled over while my back was turned! And you're propping yourself on your elbows, good for you!
Baby Girl: Never mind that, Mommy, I've been able to do that for days. You know that. No, I want to know why it doesn't work when I do this . . .
Me: That's some excellent hand-over-hand motion-oh, you want to be able to crawl?
Baby Girl: Yes!
Me: Okay, well-I don't think it'll work until you can get your knees under you. I can sit behind you and give you something to push against-
Baby Girl: That only works when you're here. I want to crawl by myself!
Me: Soon. You'll be able to crawl soon. Let me put you in your bouncy chair so you can exercise your legs.
Baby Girl: Eeee! Heheheh, bouncy, bouncy-ooh, a green music-playing button!
*brief interlude*
Baby Girl: The green music-playing button spitefully refuses to be picked up and eaten!
Me: Yes, that's an ongoing problem, isn't it? Okay, let's put you down on the rug again.
Baby Girl: . . .
Baby Girl: . . . I can't crawl yet.
Me: Well, no. You aren't-
Baby Girl: You said soon.
Me: Yes, but I didn't mean "in five minutes."
Baby Girl: What did you mean?
Me: Well, judging by how well you've been sitting up, I'd say it shouldn't be more than a month-
Baby Girl: A MONTH?!
Me: Sweetie, the muscles just aren't there yet-
Baby Girl: THAT'S ONE-FIFTH OF THE AGE OF THE OBSERVABLE UNIVERSE!
Me: No, the observable universe doesn't mean the universe you've personally observed, it means-actually, you have a really good point. I shouldn't have said "soon." But-
Baby Girl: THE LONG-NECKED THINGS ON YOUR STUPID KEYBOARD-Y ATTENTION-STEALER WALK AN HOUR AFTER THEY'RE BORN! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION!
Me: Shhh, shhh, I've got you. Love, the baby giraffes have problems too. Locating their feet, mostly. And everyone confusing them with Matt Smith, although as problems go, that's a pretty sweet one-
Baby Girl: MY BROTHER CAN MAKE IT HALFWAY ACROSS THE RUG! THIS IS SEXISM!
Me: Okay, for the record, I have no idea how your brother wedged himself under the TV stand, because he can't crawl either. My guess is two sideways rolls and some very determined wiggling, but since he only scoots across the rug when I'm in the bathroom, like some sort of cut-rate Doctor Who monster-
Baby Girl: I AM MAD AS HELL AND I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE RIGHTS! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO MY SENATOR!
Me: . . . Why don't I get you a bottle of milk?
Baby Girl: I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE ENTIRE SUPREME COURT! THIS IS INTOLERABLE! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! THISZZzzzzzz . . .
Me: *returning with the bottle of milk* Awww . . .
Baby Boy: Ahem. So, I understand you have a bottle of milk you'd like to get rid of. I'd be happy to do that job for the small price of you give me cuddles.
Me: . . . Okay. Deal.
tl:dr: Sometimes, being a baby is insanely frustrating. Luckily, the naps are frequent.