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Eh.. A lot of you won't care about this, that's why it's in a cut. The only reason I'm writing it here is because Chris is sleeping, and I don't want to wake him over it. I'll write it here, and shoe him later. Anyone else who reads it, well.. lucky you? I don't know..
I guess the rhetorical question that no one has to answer is: Have any of you readers of this seen, heard, read, watched something that just.. affected you seriously in an emotional way? Not necessarily because it's so cute or so sweet or just well written, but because... some how you think it hits home, you relate to it?
I'm reading this series called Saikano. It's also an anime, but I haven't seen it. I was reading the first volume, and thought it was really cute, but you could tell it was going somewhere serious. I called Chris and was telling him about my day, and told him that I really enjoyed the series so far. He told me that, the anime was on his list of things to download. I was kinda excited, because he can send it to me, and we can watch it together! He told me he heard it was sad... I was at a point where I couldn't really see the sadness yet.. it was very cute. It took a drastic turn to a really.. emotional reality. It really gets to me, and I don't even.. I can't conciously point out how I relate to it. I don't know how I relate to it. I know it makes me want to be with Chris, and it makes me want to change the story.. so it has some comfort to it. Ever read something and think.. "Wow, that was so fucking well written.. but why couldn't it have some happiness to it?" Ever thought "OOOO KISS, KISS! OOOOH FUCK HER!" Or whatever? It's kinda like that... only more serious. This series is so well written, it's like.. the words are well translated in English, but.. the words are so discriptive, so emotional.. I think anyone can relate to the story, and appreciate it, even if you don't like 'love' stories. It's more about humanity rather than a love story. At this particular point in the series.. (Yesterday I started with 1... and it was a series that I had bought 1-4, even though I didn't even know if I liked it or not..) it's.. like I want it to be happier. I know the characters aren't real, but in my head, to an extent they are..and when I read it, I get REALLY into it. And I want good things to happen. I conciously say to myself "No! Don't do that! Chise! Don't do it!" But nothing is going to happen... but I know that.. and I guess that's why it's so emotional. It's written to be that way, right? I don't know if this really.. relates to anyone. I'm not sure it's supposed to. This is a kind of thing where.. I feel like talking to Chris and telling him how much I miss him, and how much the distance between us really affects both of us. I know it does. I know we really do need each other at times when we can't be there. I have so much school and work, that I'm never here for him. He rarely expresses himself to me anymore.. but I know he leans on me. I know it in my heart that he needs me, I know he loves me. I really do. I have no voices telling me other wise. I have no doubts about his faithfulness to me. Sorry if you stumbled over this with a surprise to me having an entry but... it's really for him to read, and me to write. It's for me to express how I'm feeling when he's not here to try to understand. It's for me to not keep it bottled up inside until I can tell him... by then it won't be the same. I'll forget the right words, I won't know what I really meant to say.
Literature always has had a huge affect on me... but this series in particular.. really strikes me as amazing writing. I think that anyone who reads it must have an appreciation for it. Appreciation for humanity, for love, for life.
If you got something out of that, awesome. If I wasn't your time, I'm sorry.
Dear Chris,
I love you so much. I miss you, and can't wait until we can be together again. I'm sorry I have so much to do. I'm sorry I play games. I'm sorry I'm a bad girlfriend. It's so hard right now, Bubbah, but I hope you forgive me. I can feel it in my chest when I think of all the times I've hurt you, or disappointed you in any way. I'm sorry for the way your life isn't as good as it could be, I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could show you. I don't know how sometimes. I don't know how to express it so you understand. I feel so alienated sometimes. I don't know how.. I don't know why I work the way I do. I don't understand me a lot of the time. I have a lack of self control. I don't even know what I'm getting at right now. I'm so lost in a whole crap load of emotion. I've got too much school and work, and not enough me. Not enough me, and not enough you. I've got too much information when I need more living. I wish you could come back here again soon. One day I hope we can live together, and never have to look back on the internet. I miss the texture of your hands. I'll love you no matter how long your hair is. I miss the warmth of your embrace, I miss the sound of your whispering an inch from my ear. I miss the cart room. I miss the gross lick wars. I.. I miss us. So much. I don't even realize it sometimes because I have so much on me right now. A year ago I had all the time in the world to dwell over what I do wrong and what I don't do and what I should do. Now when it comes over me, it's an overwhelming realization. I feel like a horrible person who can't get out of a rut of trying ot be good. A friend told me that I was a good person, just the other day. It was hard to believe him, with some of the things I've done. I told him that I thought I was a horrible person.. who was trying really hard to be a great person. Baby, do you accept me? Will you? Don't accept me because you think we've been together for so long it's just supposed to be that way. Don't do it because 'loving' means acceptance. Do you really accept what I am? That I don't understand so much about me? That I generalize? That I sterotype? That I try too hard? That I'm easily a really mean person? That I procrastinate? That I work too much? That I don't always listen to what you say? That I get paranoid sometimes? That I percieve things in a horrible way? Is that okay, Chris? Will it be okay? Is it bad that I think it would be all better... if I heard you say that? Would it be bad? Sometimes... I feel like you are my sanity. I feel like you're my world. Is that too extreme? DO I expect too much? I think all these questions... I always wonder. I always assume..I guess.. I wish I didn't have to ask them.. I wish you'd tell me when I made you uncomfortable... Or tell me.. "Alyx.. I don't understand..Can we not talk about this? Alyx... can you explain better? Can you try to make it apparent what I can do to make it better?" I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time, Chris. I don't know what I'm getting at. Maybe you'll understand what I'm trying to say... even though I don't understand.
Sorry for typing so much. I had too much in my head. I think I feel relieved now. Now I have to goto work on my thing for homework. I hope we can talk early tonight, maybe I can pull myself away from Gunbound.
Love you forever,
Alyx