Someone needs to think of the children.
Some of the most advanced architecture on the planet comes from the deserts of Egypt. Huge monoliths of stone and fancy pyramids loom in the sky, blocking the sun and, overall, being heavy and impressive.
But what are the pyramids? Are they the remains of a civilization that worshiped triangles and three-dimensional prisms? Are they huge stone pinatas, waiting to be burst open by young African children for sport? Are they the tips of arrows, shot out of the ground and not strong enough to completely break the surface and release stone giants into our world?
Yes. They are all of these things, and more: they are MUMMY PITS.
Each pyramid, like a sac of spider eggs, contains anywhere from 5 to 750 venomous mummies. Their bodies, swathed in gauze and soaked in poison, rest dormant under the warm stone, until such a day that they will emerge: that day, they will capture, cocoon, and devour all life upon the Earth.
Consider: have you heard many stories about acquaintances that met their untimely demise at the hands of a disemboweled king? The answer is no, and the reason is that they did not live to tell the tale. Your siblings, parents, neighbors, friends, Romans, countrymen, are all being systematically slaughtered and eaten by mummies, and the mummies are doing it quietly. This is because their sinuses have been removed with crochet hooks, and they are naturally immune to sneezing. In fact, there could be a mummy sneaking up on you right now, and you would never know it until you awoke from the venom-induced coma, hanging upside-down in a sand cave, naked and basted in mummy juice.
Mummies are, and will continue to be, a serious threat to our homes, our jobs, and our lives.
Unless we take action.
Do the world a favor. Sign this online petition. Have your friends sign this online petition. Send a copy to your local congressman, and tell him that you want more anti-mummy legislation.
Help make the world a better place.
A place without mummies.
[TO SIGN THIS ONLINE PETITION]
Copy and paste the bold text below, substituting your own name in the section [YOUR NAME], and post it to this livejournal. You, too, can make a difference and do your part in keeping our world safe!
"I, [YOUR NAME], detest mummies. They are the scourge of the Earth, with their stupid gauze-wrapped faces and their immunity to sneezing. They are unhealthy, organ-less predators, and they all deserve to be shot into space; they could also be buried in the ocean, but odds are they would make a dramatic reemergence someday and come lurching up the coast of some vacation town and just, in general, cause panic. Therefore, in signing this petition, I insist that all mummies be eradicated."
Thank you!
--Jeff Blomquist
Scientist in charge of hating mummies
But what are the pyramids? Are they the remains of a civilization that worshiped triangles and three-dimensional prisms? Are they huge stone pinatas, waiting to be burst open by young African children for sport? Are they the tips of arrows, shot out of the ground and not strong enough to completely break the surface and release stone giants into our world?
Yes. They are all of these things, and more: they are MUMMY PITS.
Each pyramid, like a sac of spider eggs, contains anywhere from 5 to 750 venomous mummies. Their bodies, swathed in gauze and soaked in poison, rest dormant under the warm stone, until such a day that they will emerge: that day, they will capture, cocoon, and devour all life upon the Earth.
Consider: have you heard many stories about acquaintances that met their untimely demise at the hands of a disemboweled king? The answer is no, and the reason is that they did not live to tell the tale. Your siblings, parents, neighbors, friends, Romans, countrymen, are all being systematically slaughtered and eaten by mummies, and the mummies are doing it quietly. This is because their sinuses have been removed with crochet hooks, and they are naturally immune to sneezing. In fact, there could be a mummy sneaking up on you right now, and you would never know it until you awoke from the venom-induced coma, hanging upside-down in a sand cave, naked and basted in mummy juice.
Mummies are, and will continue to be, a serious threat to our homes, our jobs, and our lives.
Unless we take action.
Do the world a favor. Sign this online petition. Have your friends sign this online petition. Send a copy to your local congressman, and tell him that you want more anti-mummy legislation.
Help make the world a better place.
A place without mummies.
[TO SIGN THIS ONLINE PETITION]
Copy and paste the bold text below, substituting your own name in the section [YOUR NAME], and post it to this livejournal. You, too, can make a difference and do your part in keeping our world safe!
"I, [YOUR NAME], detest mummies. They are the scourge of the Earth, with their stupid gauze-wrapped faces and their immunity to sneezing. They are unhealthy, organ-less predators, and they all deserve to be shot into space; they could also be buried in the ocean, but odds are they would make a dramatic reemergence someday and come lurching up the coast of some vacation town and just, in general, cause panic. Therefore, in signing this petition, I insist that all mummies be eradicated."
Thank you!
--Jeff Blomquist
Scientist in charge of hating mummies