Fic: The Many Lives of Xander Harris (1/1 - I guess)
Title: The Many Lives of Xander Harris
Summary: Xander has been many things. This is just a small sampling.
Warning: Satirical (I hope): violence, non-con, death, dismemberment, angst, super-angst, rapey-angst, angsty-angst, het, slash, femslash, mpreg, and just about anything else you can think of. You’ll be fine if you take it all with a grain of salt.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, and I stole pretty much all of the concepts within here from other people who didn't own the characters. Parody of fanfiction is a tricky legal situation, I would think.
Note: It is very late at night and I have been up for quite a while. I was in fact going to sleep but then I started thinking about these and I had to write them down. Maybe it's funny, maybe it's not, I have no idea, but I've decided to post it in it's somewhat raw (written, glanced over, marginally spell-checked and not much else) form right now, because if I go to sleep I'll come to my senses and never post it anywhere.
While I am obviously poking fun at a lot of fic stereotypes out there, I want to assure everyone that I don’t really have a problem with ANY kind of story, up to and including the most heinous and sickly evil fic you could possibly think of. Fiction is fiction and freedom of speech is freedom of speech, so do whatever you like, but I reserve the right to make fun of the dumber stuff out there, even if I’ve been known to dip into the dumbness myself now and again.
One - Xander Harris
Xander Harris strode up to the heavy oak door and knocked on it briefly. The door swung open to reveal Rupert Giles, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose, a cup of tea in one hand, and a book nestled under the crook of his arm.
“Oh, Xander. You’re late.”
“Sorry, Giles,” Xander said as Giles stepped to one side to let Xander in. “I couldn’t find my wallet.”
“I see. Well, I trust you found it eventually?”
Xander grinned. “Nope. I plan to mooch off of Willow.”
“Again?” Willow asked from the couch in the living room. “Xander, you still owe me twelve dollars from the last time we all went to the movies.”
Xander scratched his head in a comical expression of confusion and then flopped down onto the couch between Willow Rosenberg and Buffy Summers. He looked to Willow and said, “I don’t remember that.” Then he looked to Buffy and added, “Buff, do you remember that?”
“Oh no,” Buffy said, her own grin widening. “Leave me out of this.”
“What?” Xander exclaimed in mock outrage. “But you’re the impartial judge!”
“Not that impartial,” Buffy replied, patting Xander on the shoulder as she got to her feet. “You still owe me for lunch last week.”
“Now wait a second, I distinctly remember paying you back for that. Remember how I told you about my uncle’s sure thing?”
“Xander, you can’t pay us back betting tips!”
“Hey, betting tips are a time honored Harris-family tradition when it comes to paying people back. You see? It means I think of you guys as family!”
Giles rolled his eyes and took the book he held from under his arm. He placed it in one of his many bookshelves and then nodded to the door. “We’re all quite flattered, Xander. Now then, if we’re all ready, could we please get going? I’d hate to miss the previews...Again.”
“Fine, fine,” Xander said, muttering as he got up. He followed Willow and Buffy outside into the bright sunshine, but paused just outside the door. While Giles fiddled with his keys to lock his apartment door Xander leaned in close and asked, “Hey, Giles, think I could borrow ten bucks?”
Two - Fashion Icon
Xander Harris walked casually up to the door, smoothing out his multicolored hawaiian shirt and baggy cargo pants as he went. After knocking on the door, it opened to reveal Rupert Giles, wearing his trademark tweed suit. His glasses were perched precariously on his nose, and he had a book under the crook of one arm.
“Oh, Xander. You’re late.”
“Sorry, Giles.” Xander said as he went inside in response to Giles’s unspoken invitation. “I couldn’t find a clean shirt.”
“You call that a clean shirt?” Buffy asked from her position on the couch. “The only reason it looks clean is cause all the stains match the design.”
Xander was aghast. How could anyone ever mock his fashion sense? His shirt was colorful and comfortable, and wasn’t that all that mattered?
Willow, dressed in a drab gray pair of corduroy suspenders, smiled nervously at Xander. “I think it’s nice.”
“Thank you! See? Willow likes it. Besides, bright and colorful shirts are what define me as a person. Without them, why there’d be nothing interesting about me at all. In fact, there’d hardly be any reason to pay attention to me at all. You might as well just ignore me complet-
Three - The Xandernator, Xanderino, Xanderacious
Xander Harris walked casually up to the door, and then knocked on it before waiting for an answer. The door swung open swiftly to reveal Rupert Giles, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose, a cup of tea in one hand, and a book nestled under the crook of his arm. He fixed Xander with an exasperated expression.
“Xander,” he sighed. “You’re late.”
“Sorry, G-Man, but I got stuck talking to Queen C and Wolfman. We were talking about the old Troll.”
“Snyder?” Willow asked. “Why were you talking about him?”
“Oh, you know, Wills. Just reminiscing. So, what’s up with you guys?”
“Not much,” Buffy said. “Just waiting for Riley.”
“Soldierboy’s coming?” Xander asked. “I thought it was just going to be us. You know, me, Wills, Buffarino, and the G-Man. Just like old times. Well, old times without Deadboy.”
“Why? What’s wrong with Riley?”
“Nothing! There’s no wrong. Just saying, is all. I thought it was going to be the four of us. We don’t all hang out anymore now that the library got all blowed up. I only see G-Man when there’s trouble a-brewing, and you and Red are always in class. I miss you guys.”
“Aww, Xander,” Willow said, getting up to give him a hug. “Don’t worry, we’ll all hang out still.”
“Really?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks, Wills,” Xander said, hugging her back. Then he looked up and said, “Now come on, G-Man! Don’t want to miss those previews, otherwise you’ll be moping like Deadboy for the rest of the night, and Deadboy is very sensitive about people stealing his schtick, G-man.”
Four - The Part Preceding Five
The Zeppo walked casually up to the door and knocked on it several times. The door opened to reveal the Watcher, glasses sliding down his face, cup of tea in one hand, and a book nestled under the crook of one arm. The man once known as Ripper fixed the construction worker with a weary look.
“Ah, Xander. You’re late.”
“Sorry, Giles,” the youngest male Scooby said. “I was a little confused.”
The Englishman frowned. “Confused? By what?”
The dark-haired Slayerette shrugged. “I’m not sure. Something just seems confusing. Like I don’t really know who I am anymore.”
The librarian’s frown deepened and he ushered his young friend inside. “Now that you mention it there is a certain sense of disassociation that I have been experiencing lately. Buffy, Willow, have you experienced anything similar?”
On the couch, the Slayer and the Witch both shook their heads.
“I haven’t noticed anything,” the blonde said.
“Me neither,” said the redhead.
“Are you sure?” The late Jenny Calendar’s former boyfriend asked.
“I...Think so,” the oldest living Slayer replied. Then she frowned. “Actually, now I’m not so sure. I’m starting to feel kind of confused.”
“Oh thank God,” the tallest one said. “Then it’s not just me.”
“Wait, who said that?” the shortest one said. “Who are you?”
“Who am I? I’m Xander!” replied the Sunnydale High School Graduate with a 2.1 GPA.
“You are? Then who am I?” the former hacker asked in confusion.
“You’re Willow!” the former cheerleader said.
“Who are you?” the brunette asked.
“I’m Buffy!” the strongest one exclaimed. “What’s wrong with you guys!?”
“I’m not certain,” replied the former scourge of the London underground. “Most likely it’s simply a mild bit of confusion on our parts, after all, we all know who we all are, don’t we?”
“I’m not so sure anymore,” said the one with the smallest feet.
“Me neither,” replied the one with the most nose hairs.
“Hey, speak for yourselves,” the one in sneakers said. “I know who I am and I know who you all are.”
“Then tell us!” the skinniest one said.
“You’re all my friends.”
The oldest one, the youngest one, and the one with the longest hair all smiled.
“I guess you’re right,” said the one with white underwear on underneath their clothing. “We’re all friends.”
That was all they needed to know.
Five - Rough Home Life
Xander Harris stumbled up to the door and slumped against it with a heavy thump. The door opened several seconds later to reveal Rupert Giles, who gasped and dropped to one knee to lean over Xander’s limp form.
“Xander!” he exclaimed. “Xander! What’s happened?”
“Sorry, Giles,” Xander coughed, weakly and pathetically. “I just need somewhere to crash so my parents don’t beat me with sticks anymore.”
Giles said nothing, but helped Xander inside. For several years now Xander had been appearing on his doorstep in various stages of damage, and it was only Xander’s courageous insistence that he not say or do anything that kept Giles from thrashing Tony Harris to within an inch of his life.
“You’re bleeding quite a bit,” Giles said, amazed at how stoically the young man before him dealt with his wounds. “Even more than when they threw razor-blades at you.”
“I’ll be fine,” Xander said through gritted teeth.
“And you’re shaking,” Giles pointed out. “Even moreso than the time they doused you in gasoline and lit you on fire.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“And the abrasions on your neck look quite painful. Even more painful than the rope burn you got from those times they tried to hang you.”
“That was only one - *cough* - time, Giles.”
“Oh, Xander. You are a true inspiration. Now let me patch you up and get you back home, I’m sure your parents are worried about you.”
Xander just smiled weakly. “My parents, Giles? No, I don’t think they’re that worried.”
Giles blinked in dumbfounded confusion. “But...They’re your parents!”
“It’s a long story,” Xander whispered.
Giles just nodded. Of course. It wasn’t his business. Whatever relationship Xander had with his parents, it was not Giles’s place to pry.
“Well then, let’s clean up some of these wounds. They’re dirtier than the time your parents played rusty-chainsaw-darts with you as the board.”
If only others could see just how truly deep and brave young Xander truly was, Giles thought. He was such an inspiration.
Six - Coming Out
Xander was smiling brightly as he strode up to the door and knocked on it several times. The door opened to reveal Rupert Giles. He was shirtless and without his glasses, and his skin was glistening. Xander licked his lips. “Hey, Giles.”
“Oh, Xander,” Giles said in a breathless pant. “God, I’ve missed you. Come here.”
Then Giles grabbed Xander by the collar and pulled him close, kissing him hard on the lips. Xander moaned and kissed him back, but then someone grabbed his arm.
“Not as much as I’ve missed you,” Riley said, pulling Xander into a deep kiss with lots of tongue and spit and moaning. Then he, Riley, and Giles went upstairs and had lots of sweaty sex, after which they spoke poetry to each other and cried a lot. After that, Graham, Forrest, Spike, Angel, Wesley, Gunn, and Oz came over to have some sex with Xander also. They all had sex with each other a bunch of times but only when they couldn’t have sex with Xander. Xander loved it all, because Xander Harris was the gayest person of all time.
Seven - Overcompensation
Xander was smiling brightly as he strode up to the door and knocked on it several times. The door opened to reveal Buffy Summers. She was in her bra and panties and her skin was glistening with sweat. Xander licked his lips. “Hey, Buffy.”
“Oh, Xander,” Buffy said in a breathless pant. “I need you so bad. Come here.”
Then Buffy grabbed Xander by the collar and pulled him close, kissing him hard on the lips. Xander moaned and kissed her back, but then someone grabbed his arm.
“No way, come here first,” Faith moaned, wrapping one leg around Xander as she pulled him close and kissed him deeply, all while Buffy nuzzled at her neck. Then the three of them went into Buffy’s bedroom and had lots of hot and sweaty sex where everyone was shocked by how Xander gave them nine orgasms each and made them both pass out. When they woke up they agreed that they had to share Xander’s sexiness with everyone they knew, and so they called Willow, Tara, Anya, Joyce, Dawn, Cordelia, Fred, Harmony, Lilah, Eve, Glory, Drusilla, all the potential Slayers, and the recently resurrected Jenny Calendar. Then they all realized they were lesbians except when Xander was around and they all had sex with him, which turned out to be the sexiest and most wonderful things they had ever done, because Xander Harris was the greatest lover in the whole history of the world, and he was so totally NOT gay.
Also he could fly.
Eight - Non-Con Angst
“It’s okay, Xander. We’re all here for you,” Willow said.
“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, holding his hand. “We’re here. You can get through this.”
Xander just nodded weakly. “I-I know. It’s just difficult. I was raped by Angel, and then when he was done raping me Spike raped me, and then after that Giles raped me, and then when he let me go Buffy raped me-”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that,” Buffy said. “I got caught up in the moment.”
“And now I’m going to have to spend a lot of time dealing with the consequences of - oh yeah, and also Oz raped me when he was a Werewolf - what happened to me. Am I depressed enough yet?”
Giles looked at the meter. “I’m afraid not.”
“Oh, I was also gang-raped by the fish-mutant swim team.”
“That should do it.”
Nine - Non-Con Not-So-Angst
“It’s okay, Xander. We’re all here for you,” Willow said.
“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, holding his hand. “We’re here. You can get through this.”
“Get through what?” Xander asked.
Buffy paled. “Y-you know. What Angel did to you. And Spike.”
“What? Rape me? Pff! That was the hottest thing to ever happen to me in my life! Boy oh boy did I like getting raped. It was awesome!”
“You did?”
“Sure! Doesn’t everybody? It’s all dark and sexy and super-kinky. Man it was pretty nice, and there sure were a lot of people eager to see it. You wouldn’t believe how many people commented when they heard my story about Spike raping me. It was pretty incredible! Plus, it’s really interesting too because everyone wants to know if I’ll get over the rape aspect of being raped and realize how sexy it was to be with Spike!”
“Uh...Right,” Willow said slowly. She glanced to Buffy. Buffy glanced back at her.
“This is just really fucked up,” Buffy replied.
“Hey, hey!” Xander exclaimed. “Warn me before you start cursing, okay? It makes me uncomfortable.”
Ten - Now It’s Getting Ridiculous
“It’s okay, Xander. We’re all here for you,” Willow said.
“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, holding his hand. “We’re here. You can get through this.”
“Get through what?” Xander asked.
Buffy paled. “Y-you know. What Angel did to you. And Spike.”
“What? Impregnate me with their demon seed?” He rubbed his swollen belly happily. “What’s wrong with that? I’m going to be a mommy!”
“B-but, how does that- I mean how could you-?” Willow sputtered, shaking her head. “That doesn’t even make any sense! You’re a guy! You can’t be impregnated!”
“Sure I can! Angel and Spike both did it accidentally when they were soulless and they raped me, but now they have souls and they’re going to be the best dads in the world!”
“Wait, they *both* impregnated you?”
“Duh.”
“That’s even more impossible!”
“No, it’s beautiful!” Xander shot back. “You’re just jealous because nobody double rape-impregnated you with their soulless demon seed and then had hilarious scenes with you later where you’re all hormonal and they try to deal with your rapid mood swings. Now somebody get me some pickles and twinkie flavored ice-cream!”
Eleven - More Like Mander
Xander Harris stalked up to the heavy oak door. He checked the straps on his modified ALICE frame and made sure his highly modified twin MEU(SOC) pistols had their safeties off, and then double checked to make sure the clips were full of his blessed silver, armor-piercing, magnesium-tipped, artificial-sunlight-imbued, individual-crosses-etched-into-casings, .45 ACP ammunition. Satisfied that they were all in place, he knocked on the door with a move straight out of the special forces handbook.
A random bird flew by with a snapping sound that reminded him of a squad snapping a salute at full attention, and he instinctively brought his hand up in a crisp salute before realizing there was no need for it.
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered. “I’m getting too fucking high strung for this goddamn shit. Fuck. Piss.”
Then he reached behind his back and pulled out his FN Minimi and slapped in a clip of 5.56mm NATO rounds into it. The red tape on the clip assured him that these bullets were made out of the bones of the archangel he’d kicked the shit out of last week, and so would shoot through the entire universe before they actually stopped.
Once assured that weapon was primed, he reached into the waistband of his 32 long combat-issue super-secret-and-totally-official military pants that he got at the military store that he found when he was looking for military stuff. Then he pulled out his Benelli Super 90 M4 shotgun and loaded it up with shells that were firing pure distilled ass-kick-juice. He slung the weapon over his shoulder in an unconscious recreation of the US Special Forces super-secret-gun-slinging-over-the-shoulder technique, and then stood back and away from the door, slipping into a combat-ready stance without even thinking about it.
Then, while waiting for the door to open he reached to his side and curled his fingers around his Navy Seal M-77 X-Series Combat Utility Knife with phosphorous tracers so if he threw it in the middle of a fight it would leave a totally realistic red trail in mid-air that everyone knows really happens in combat situations. Oh, oh! It also had a laser sight and a retractable saw that would come out if you hit the button. A secret button. Yeah, it’s secret. Only military types know about it.
And then he reached into his shoe and pulled out his gold and nickel and silver and platinum plated Desert Eagle with pearl and ebony and ivory and onyx and emerald inlaid grip, laser sight, tracer-magnesium-armor-piercing-blessed-silver rounds, optional passenger seating, and 8x digital zoom. He kissed the slide of the gun lightly, then touched it with his tongue before he began to slobber all over it, moaning and attempting to deep throat as much of it as he could.
Finally the door opened to reveal Rupert Giles. Xander kicked the door the rest of the way open and then dove into the room, rolling like he’d learned how to do when he single-handedly beat the living shit out of a hundred SWAT team members while he was drunk because one of his eleven girlfriends broke up with him. He came up with his Desert Eagle raised high, and then shot Spike right through the forehead.
“Not raping me this time!” he cried as Spike crumpled the floor, exploded, reformed, turned to ash, reformed, and then melted to death.
“Xander!” Buffy screamed. Then she ran at him. “How could you? You’re too weak to do that!”
“Sure I ain’t, sweetcheeks,” Xander said, winking at her as he easily sidestepped her using a move he learned from the Kung Fu girl he slept with from that show about a girl who knew Kung Fu that got cancelled after three episodes, but hey she was kind of hot I guess, so there you go. Buffy tripped past him, so Xander took a few steps back, knowing that for some reason he was supposed to be worried about an angry Slayer even though he could kill her with half an eyelash if he needed to.
Buffy charged at him again so he hit her at a nerve cluster on her upper shoulder that took away her Slayer strength, made her sit down, and also made her horny for some reason. Then he totally beat the shit out of her to prove to her that the way she resorted to violence all the time was the wrong way to go.
Then he saved the world six billion times in the row and cursed twelve billion times while doing it. Oh and he slept with all the girls, especially the gays one, but not Buffy because she’s a bitch, even though she loved him and he loved her.
Then he went to sleep for twenty minutes while everyone in the world talked about how amazing he was.
Twelve - Saint Xander
Xander walked up to the door in a very innocent way. He was very happy and goofy because he was such a nice, happy, and innocent guy that no sane person would ever want to hurt. He knocked on the door and Giles let him inside. That was when Buffy saw him.
“Xander!” she screeched. “I just found out that you once told Angel he had a big forehead!”
“What? I did?”
“Yes!” she roared, fists curling into balls. “How could you!?”
“Oh no, you don’t understand,” Xander said, shaking his head. “This is all just a misunderstanding. I told him he had a big forehead because I knew you’d never be able to save the world unless I told him he had a big forehead. I’m a hero!”
“You bastard!”
Buffy charged at him and punched him directly in the face. Xander’s nose shattered under the force of the hit, and his face bones (people have face bones, right?) cracked and fractured too. Then he fell down and was already unconscious, but was that enough for Buffy? No way! She kicked him and punched him and broke all of his bones *twice.* Then she dumped him over a cliff.
Xander floated in the water for a long time, thinking about how much he loved Buffy and wondering why she would break all of his bones and dump him off a cliff. He should totally hate her but he was a really good guy, so he didn’t.
Then some people from another show who would actually appreciate Xander, let’s say, uh...Everybody Loves Raymond, find Xander and help him heal. Xander tells them what happens, but it takes him a long time because he thinks it’s all his fault. Then the big guy on that show, the cop, he makes Xander realize that Buffy is totally evil and doesn’t use nearly as many guns as she should. He teaches Xander to fight, but Xander’s already better than him after the first eighteen seconds of training.
See Eleven.
Thirteen - Totally Deep
The door was heavy. Large. Oak. It was like every thought that had ever pressed down on his heart. Rolling waves of anguish swept across the beaches of his mind as he stared upon it. There was a beat of his heart. A second. For is not the heart the metronome by which the beat of our lives is established?
He whispers his name.
“Angel.”
And he knows that he has been heard. Sound waves travel across the air like a ripple in a pond, and his heart is the stone sinking to its black depths. Cold. Dark. He says the terms in his mind because he cannot say them aloud. He is too afraid.
“Angel.”
A tear drips down his cheek. It is a tear for Angel. All things are for Angel, but he knows he cannot give him everything. It’s not all his to give, and as desperately as he wants to know he knows that it can never be. Their love is pure, but the world is not.
“Angel.”
The world is like the door. It is large and it is heavy. There is oak in it, like the stout tree of purest loving devotion that has been planted within the rich and nutrient-filled earth that is his heart. If only he could open that heart as easily as he might open the door in front of him, but alas, it is not so. Will he ever be able to open the door, or will he be lost to the sea of-
Wait, which metaphor was he on?
“Angel.”
Fourteen - Highlander
“There can be only one!”
Swordfights: everywhere!
Fifteen - Halloween”
“And what can I get you, young man?” the shop’s proprietor asked. He smiled at Xander. It was a charming smile, but if sent a chill down Xander’s spine all the same.
“I need a costume.”
“Well then you’ve come to the right place. What are you looking for?”
“Hmm,” Xander said, tapping his chin with a finger. “I need something obscure. Incredibly obscure, actually. And Japanese. Gotta be Japanese. The fewer people who have ever heard of it, the better. And it’s gotta be something with a lot of in-jokes that only the people who have ever seen it would understand.”
“I thought you didn’t want people to know what it was.”
“I don’t! They shouldn’t get the jokes. Just me and the six people who know what it is should get the jokes. In fact, do you have anything created by a random Japanese High School student? Maybe something he doodled in a notebook and showed to a friend? Cause that would be perfect.”
“Well, I do have this costume,” the man replied. He held it up for Xander. “And despite your only having two dollars and this obviously being an incredibly expensive and no doubt exceedingly rare costume, I will forego any attempt at being at all subtle and simply give it to you, an act which you should not find at all suspicious.”
“Oh don’t worry, I don’t!”
LATER THAT NIGHT:
Bardreggin stood up. His long flowing silver hair cascaded around him, and his huge shimmering purple eyes shone in the dark light. He drew his giant fucking katana from out of nowhere and looked around him. His talking half-cat/half-porcupine mutant familiar was nowhere to be seen, but at least he still had the belt buckle given to him by Sakura. That was better than being caught in the belt that Yuri had given him, *LOLZ* ^-^
Turning, he saw a demon come after him, so he quickly transformed into Mecha-Prime Bardreggin, and then vaporized every demon in the world by powering up to Super Mecha-Prime Bardreggin Level 57 and performing the Ultra Cha-Cha-Chiki Moonunitzappa attack.
Then he turned back into Xander only he looked like Bardreggin and he was even more powerful and also his talking half-cat/half-porcupine mutant familiar somehow found him also. Surprised? Not as surprised as Sakura was when she found out Bardreggin wasn’t going to compete in the seventh Budokai! thx 4 reading! kk bye! ^-^
Sixteen - Going Back In
“Xander,” Tara asked. “Can you un-gay me?”
Xander began to unbuckle his pants. “Not a problem.”
Seventeen - Cause They’re Hot, That’s Why
“Xander,” Graham asked. “Can you pretend I have any kind of personality or character to me beyond a half-dozen lines and gay me?”
Xander began to unbuckle his pants. “Not a problem.”
Eighteen - Jealous Bitch
Xander stalked up to the heavy oak door and banged on it several times. The door opened to reveal Rupert Giles, looking somewhat puzzled.
“What’s wrong, Xander?”
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong,” Xander barked, pushing past Giles and entering his apartment. He found Willow sitting on the couch waiting for him. “She made me un-gay!”
“I-what?”
“You heard me! She didn’t want me to be happy so she cast a spell to make me straight! Turns out I’m really gay!”
“Really?”
“Yup! And also it turns out I never loved her at all when I kissed her, Willow just cast a spell on me to make me think that I did because she was jealous of how I actually loved Buffy. I mean Cordelia. I mean Angel.”
“Wait,” Giles said, frowning. “Which one is it?”
“And you know what else she did? She cast a spell to make me clumsy! And she cast a spell to make me kind of annoying! And she cast a spell to make me bad at magic! And she cast a spell to make me forget that I’m actually an Elven Prince from the land of Imagination and that I can fly and play the harp!”
“Willow, is this true?” Giles asked.
“It’s true,” Willow sighed. She put her wrists together and held her hands out, palms up. “Take me away. I’m a horrible criminal who casts spells on the minds of others every day because of my inferiority complex.”
“Good, now if you’ll excuse me, if I have to go make out with Buffy, then Angel, then Cordelia, then come back here to make out with you, Giles, then Joyce, then realize that I’m actually an Elf, and then cast a lot of magic spells.”
“All right. I’ll lock Willow up for a thousand years for being so terrible.”
“Thanks, Giles.”
Nineteen - Daddy Dearest
“Dad!?” Xander gasped.
“That’s right,” Jack O’Neill said. “I’m your dad.”
“No you’re not! I am!”
“Superman?” Xander exclaimed. “You’re my dad?”
“Yes, I-”
“No he’s not!” Lion-O insisted. “I am!”
“Wait, I don’t even like cats, how could you be my-”
“Xander, my boy! I’ve looked everywhere for you,” said Captain Kirk. “You were caught in a temporal anomaly when you were born and I’ve only just now found you.”
“Do not listen to him, my son! I am your true father!”
“Who are you?” Xander asked.
“KHHHHAAAANN!!!” Kirk screamed.
“That’s right,” Khan nodded. “I’m Khan, and you’re Khan Junior.”
Xander frowned and scratched his head. “But wait, what about my actual dad? Tony. Who’s he?”
“You mean me?” Tony Harris asked. “I’m your father, of course. Only my name’s not Tony Harris. My name is really Bond. James Bond.”
“What? You don’t even look like James Bond. Any of them!”
“That’s because I’m undercover. This is all prosthetics,” he said, gesturing to his face.
“He’s lying,” a low voice growled. “I am your father. You are the son of the goddamn Batman.”
“Really?” Xander replied. “Well that’s kind of cool I guess, although-”
“No, I’m your father!” shouted Xena.
“Xena? But you’re a girl!”
“So?”
“You can’t be a father if you’re a girl.”
“Oh but you can be a mother if you’re a guy?” Xena countered.
“What?
“Oh, right, wrong chapter. Never mind.”
Assuming anyone actually finds that amusing (and assuming I go into the same kind of trance-like state from sleep deprivation) there may be more of those coming at some point. I’m open to suggestions as well. Maybe I should apologize to anyone who might be offended but, well, I don’t really care to.
Hope you enjoyed.
Summary: Xander has been many things. This is just a small sampling.
Warning: Satirical (I hope): violence, non-con, death, dismemberment, angst, super-angst, rapey-angst, angsty-angst, het, slash, femslash, mpreg, and just about anything else you can think of. You’ll be fine if you take it all with a grain of salt.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, and I stole pretty much all of the concepts within here from other people who didn't own the characters. Parody of fanfiction is a tricky legal situation, I would think.
Note: It is very late at night and I have been up for quite a while. I was in fact going to sleep but then I started thinking about these and I had to write them down. Maybe it's funny, maybe it's not, I have no idea, but I've decided to post it in it's somewhat raw (written, glanced over, marginally spell-checked and not much else) form right now, because if I go to sleep I'll come to my senses and never post it anywhere.
While I am obviously poking fun at a lot of fic stereotypes out there, I want to assure everyone that I don’t really have a problem with ANY kind of story, up to and including the most heinous and sickly evil fic you could possibly think of. Fiction is fiction and freedom of speech is freedom of speech, so do whatever you like, but I reserve the right to make fun of the dumber stuff out there, even if I’ve been known to dip into the dumbness myself now and again.
One - Xander Harris
Xander Harris strode up to the heavy oak door and knocked on it briefly. The door swung open to reveal Rupert Giles, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose, a cup of tea in one hand, and a book nestled under the crook of his arm.
“Oh, Xander. You’re late.”
“Sorry, Giles,” Xander said as Giles stepped to one side to let Xander in. “I couldn’t find my wallet.”
“I see. Well, I trust you found it eventually?”
Xander grinned. “Nope. I plan to mooch off of Willow.”
“Again?” Willow asked from the couch in the living room. “Xander, you still owe me twelve dollars from the last time we all went to the movies.”
Xander scratched his head in a comical expression of confusion and then flopped down onto the couch between Willow Rosenberg and Buffy Summers. He looked to Willow and said, “I don’t remember that.” Then he looked to Buffy and added, “Buff, do you remember that?”
“Oh no,” Buffy said, her own grin widening. “Leave me out of this.”
“What?” Xander exclaimed in mock outrage. “But you’re the impartial judge!”
“Not that impartial,” Buffy replied, patting Xander on the shoulder as she got to her feet. “You still owe me for lunch last week.”
“Now wait a second, I distinctly remember paying you back for that. Remember how I told you about my uncle’s sure thing?”
“Xander, you can’t pay us back betting tips!”
“Hey, betting tips are a time honored Harris-family tradition when it comes to paying people back. You see? It means I think of you guys as family!”
Giles rolled his eyes and took the book he held from under his arm. He placed it in one of his many bookshelves and then nodded to the door. “We’re all quite flattered, Xander. Now then, if we’re all ready, could we please get going? I’d hate to miss the previews...Again.”
“Fine, fine,” Xander said, muttering as he got up. He followed Willow and Buffy outside into the bright sunshine, but paused just outside the door. While Giles fiddled with his keys to lock his apartment door Xander leaned in close and asked, “Hey, Giles, think I could borrow ten bucks?”
Two - Fashion Icon
Xander Harris walked casually up to the door, smoothing out his multicolored hawaiian shirt and baggy cargo pants as he went. After knocking on the door, it opened to reveal Rupert Giles, wearing his trademark tweed suit. His glasses were perched precariously on his nose, and he had a book under the crook of one arm.
“Oh, Xander. You’re late.”
“Sorry, Giles.” Xander said as he went inside in response to Giles’s unspoken invitation. “I couldn’t find a clean shirt.”
“You call that a clean shirt?” Buffy asked from her position on the couch. “The only reason it looks clean is cause all the stains match the design.”
Xander was aghast. How could anyone ever mock his fashion sense? His shirt was colorful and comfortable, and wasn’t that all that mattered?
Willow, dressed in a drab gray pair of corduroy suspenders, smiled nervously at Xander. “I think it’s nice.”
“Thank you! See? Willow likes it. Besides, bright and colorful shirts are what define me as a person. Without them, why there’d be nothing interesting about me at all. In fact, there’d hardly be any reason to pay attention to me at all. You might as well just ignore me complet-
Three - The Xandernator, Xanderino, Xanderacious
Xander Harris walked casually up to the door, and then knocked on it before waiting for an answer. The door swung open swiftly to reveal Rupert Giles, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose, a cup of tea in one hand, and a book nestled under the crook of his arm. He fixed Xander with an exasperated expression.
“Xander,” he sighed. “You’re late.”
“Sorry, G-Man, but I got stuck talking to Queen C and Wolfman. We were talking about the old Troll.”
“Snyder?” Willow asked. “Why were you talking about him?”
“Oh, you know, Wills. Just reminiscing. So, what’s up with you guys?”
“Not much,” Buffy said. “Just waiting for Riley.”
“Soldierboy’s coming?” Xander asked. “I thought it was just going to be us. You know, me, Wills, Buffarino, and the G-Man. Just like old times. Well, old times without Deadboy.”
“Why? What’s wrong with Riley?”
“Nothing! There’s no wrong. Just saying, is all. I thought it was going to be the four of us. We don’t all hang out anymore now that the library got all blowed up. I only see G-Man when there’s trouble a-brewing, and you and Red are always in class. I miss you guys.”
“Aww, Xander,” Willow said, getting up to give him a hug. “Don’t worry, we’ll all hang out still.”
“Really?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks, Wills,” Xander said, hugging her back. Then he looked up and said, “Now come on, G-Man! Don’t want to miss those previews, otherwise you’ll be moping like Deadboy for the rest of the night, and Deadboy is very sensitive about people stealing his schtick, G-man.”
Four - The Part Preceding Five
The Zeppo walked casually up to the door and knocked on it several times. The door opened to reveal the Watcher, glasses sliding down his face, cup of tea in one hand, and a book nestled under the crook of one arm. The man once known as Ripper fixed the construction worker with a weary look.
“Ah, Xander. You’re late.”
“Sorry, Giles,” the youngest male Scooby said. “I was a little confused.”
The Englishman frowned. “Confused? By what?”
The dark-haired Slayerette shrugged. “I’m not sure. Something just seems confusing. Like I don’t really know who I am anymore.”
The librarian’s frown deepened and he ushered his young friend inside. “Now that you mention it there is a certain sense of disassociation that I have been experiencing lately. Buffy, Willow, have you experienced anything similar?”
On the couch, the Slayer and the Witch both shook their heads.
“I haven’t noticed anything,” the blonde said.
“Me neither,” said the redhead.
“Are you sure?” The late Jenny Calendar’s former boyfriend asked.
“I...Think so,” the oldest living Slayer replied. Then she frowned. “Actually, now I’m not so sure. I’m starting to feel kind of confused.”
“Oh thank God,” the tallest one said. “Then it’s not just me.”
“Wait, who said that?” the shortest one said. “Who are you?”
“Who am I? I’m Xander!” replied the Sunnydale High School Graduate with a 2.1 GPA.
“You are? Then who am I?” the former hacker asked in confusion.
“You’re Willow!” the former cheerleader said.
“Who are you?” the brunette asked.
“I’m Buffy!” the strongest one exclaimed. “What’s wrong with you guys!?”
“I’m not certain,” replied the former scourge of the London underground. “Most likely it’s simply a mild bit of confusion on our parts, after all, we all know who we all are, don’t we?”
“I’m not so sure anymore,” said the one with the smallest feet.
“Me neither,” replied the one with the most nose hairs.
“Hey, speak for yourselves,” the one in sneakers said. “I know who I am and I know who you all are.”
“Then tell us!” the skinniest one said.
“You’re all my friends.”
The oldest one, the youngest one, and the one with the longest hair all smiled.
“I guess you’re right,” said the one with white underwear on underneath their clothing. “We’re all friends.”
That was all they needed to know.
Five - Rough Home Life
Xander Harris stumbled up to the door and slumped against it with a heavy thump. The door opened several seconds later to reveal Rupert Giles, who gasped and dropped to one knee to lean over Xander’s limp form.
“Xander!” he exclaimed. “Xander! What’s happened?”
“Sorry, Giles,” Xander coughed, weakly and pathetically. “I just need somewhere to crash so my parents don’t beat me with sticks anymore.”
Giles said nothing, but helped Xander inside. For several years now Xander had been appearing on his doorstep in various stages of damage, and it was only Xander’s courageous insistence that he not say or do anything that kept Giles from thrashing Tony Harris to within an inch of his life.
“You’re bleeding quite a bit,” Giles said, amazed at how stoically the young man before him dealt with his wounds. “Even more than when they threw razor-blades at you.”
“I’ll be fine,” Xander said through gritted teeth.
“And you’re shaking,” Giles pointed out. “Even moreso than the time they doused you in gasoline and lit you on fire.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“And the abrasions on your neck look quite painful. Even more painful than the rope burn you got from those times they tried to hang you.”
“That was only one - *cough* - time, Giles.”
“Oh, Xander. You are a true inspiration. Now let me patch you up and get you back home, I’m sure your parents are worried about you.”
Xander just smiled weakly. “My parents, Giles? No, I don’t think they’re that worried.”
Giles blinked in dumbfounded confusion. “But...They’re your parents!”
“It’s a long story,” Xander whispered.
Giles just nodded. Of course. It wasn’t his business. Whatever relationship Xander had with his parents, it was not Giles’s place to pry.
“Well then, let’s clean up some of these wounds. They’re dirtier than the time your parents played rusty-chainsaw-darts with you as the board.”
If only others could see just how truly deep and brave young Xander truly was, Giles thought. He was such an inspiration.
Six - Coming Out
Xander was smiling brightly as he strode up to the door and knocked on it several times. The door opened to reveal Rupert Giles. He was shirtless and without his glasses, and his skin was glistening. Xander licked his lips. “Hey, Giles.”
“Oh, Xander,” Giles said in a breathless pant. “God, I’ve missed you. Come here.”
Then Giles grabbed Xander by the collar and pulled him close, kissing him hard on the lips. Xander moaned and kissed him back, but then someone grabbed his arm.
“Not as much as I’ve missed you,” Riley said, pulling Xander into a deep kiss with lots of tongue and spit and moaning. Then he, Riley, and Giles went upstairs and had lots of sweaty sex, after which they spoke poetry to each other and cried a lot. After that, Graham, Forrest, Spike, Angel, Wesley, Gunn, and Oz came over to have some sex with Xander also. They all had sex with each other a bunch of times but only when they couldn’t have sex with Xander. Xander loved it all, because Xander Harris was the gayest person of all time.
Seven - Overcompensation
Xander was smiling brightly as he strode up to the door and knocked on it several times. The door opened to reveal Buffy Summers. She was in her bra and panties and her skin was glistening with sweat. Xander licked his lips. “Hey, Buffy.”
“Oh, Xander,” Buffy said in a breathless pant. “I need you so bad. Come here.”
Then Buffy grabbed Xander by the collar and pulled him close, kissing him hard on the lips. Xander moaned and kissed her back, but then someone grabbed his arm.
“No way, come here first,” Faith moaned, wrapping one leg around Xander as she pulled him close and kissed him deeply, all while Buffy nuzzled at her neck. Then the three of them went into Buffy’s bedroom and had lots of hot and sweaty sex where everyone was shocked by how Xander gave them nine orgasms each and made them both pass out. When they woke up they agreed that they had to share Xander’s sexiness with everyone they knew, and so they called Willow, Tara, Anya, Joyce, Dawn, Cordelia, Fred, Harmony, Lilah, Eve, Glory, Drusilla, all the potential Slayers, and the recently resurrected Jenny Calendar. Then they all realized they were lesbians except when Xander was around and they all had sex with him, which turned out to be the sexiest and most wonderful things they had ever done, because Xander Harris was the greatest lover in the whole history of the world, and he was so totally NOT gay.
Also he could fly.
Eight - Non-Con Angst
“It’s okay, Xander. We’re all here for you,” Willow said.
“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, holding his hand. “We’re here. You can get through this.”
Xander just nodded weakly. “I-I know. It’s just difficult. I was raped by Angel, and then when he was done raping me Spike raped me, and then after that Giles raped me, and then when he let me go Buffy raped me-”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that,” Buffy said. “I got caught up in the moment.”
“And now I’m going to have to spend a lot of time dealing with the consequences of - oh yeah, and also Oz raped me when he was a Werewolf - what happened to me. Am I depressed enough yet?”
Giles looked at the meter. “I’m afraid not.”
“Oh, I was also gang-raped by the fish-mutant swim team.”
“That should do it.”
Nine - Non-Con Not-So-Angst
“It’s okay, Xander. We’re all here for you,” Willow said.
“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, holding his hand. “We’re here. You can get through this.”
“Get through what?” Xander asked.
Buffy paled. “Y-you know. What Angel did to you. And Spike.”
“What? Rape me? Pff! That was the hottest thing to ever happen to me in my life! Boy oh boy did I like getting raped. It was awesome!”
“You did?”
“Sure! Doesn’t everybody? It’s all dark and sexy and super-kinky. Man it was pretty nice, and there sure were a lot of people eager to see it. You wouldn’t believe how many people commented when they heard my story about Spike raping me. It was pretty incredible! Plus, it’s really interesting too because everyone wants to know if I’ll get over the rape aspect of being raped and realize how sexy it was to be with Spike!”
“Uh...Right,” Willow said slowly. She glanced to Buffy. Buffy glanced back at her.
“This is just really fucked up,” Buffy replied.
“Hey, hey!” Xander exclaimed. “Warn me before you start cursing, okay? It makes me uncomfortable.”
Ten - Now It’s Getting Ridiculous
“It’s okay, Xander. We’re all here for you,” Willow said.
“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, holding his hand. “We’re here. You can get through this.”
“Get through what?” Xander asked.
Buffy paled. “Y-you know. What Angel did to you. And Spike.”
“What? Impregnate me with their demon seed?” He rubbed his swollen belly happily. “What’s wrong with that? I’m going to be a mommy!”
“B-but, how does that- I mean how could you-?” Willow sputtered, shaking her head. “That doesn’t even make any sense! You’re a guy! You can’t be impregnated!”
“Sure I can! Angel and Spike both did it accidentally when they were soulless and they raped me, but now they have souls and they’re going to be the best dads in the world!”
“Wait, they *both* impregnated you?”
“Duh.”
“That’s even more impossible!”
“No, it’s beautiful!” Xander shot back. “You’re just jealous because nobody double rape-impregnated you with their soulless demon seed and then had hilarious scenes with you later where you’re all hormonal and they try to deal with your rapid mood swings. Now somebody get me some pickles and twinkie flavored ice-cream!”
Eleven - More Like Mander
Xander Harris stalked up to the heavy oak door. He checked the straps on his modified ALICE frame and made sure his highly modified twin MEU(SOC) pistols had their safeties off, and then double checked to make sure the clips were full of his blessed silver, armor-piercing, magnesium-tipped, artificial-sunlight-imbued, individual-crosses-etched-into-casings, .45 ACP ammunition. Satisfied that they were all in place, he knocked on the door with a move straight out of the special forces handbook.
A random bird flew by with a snapping sound that reminded him of a squad snapping a salute at full attention, and he instinctively brought his hand up in a crisp salute before realizing there was no need for it.
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered. “I’m getting too fucking high strung for this goddamn shit. Fuck. Piss.”
Then he reached behind his back and pulled out his FN Minimi and slapped in a clip of 5.56mm NATO rounds into it. The red tape on the clip assured him that these bullets were made out of the bones of the archangel he’d kicked the shit out of last week, and so would shoot through the entire universe before they actually stopped.
Once assured that weapon was primed, he reached into the waistband of his 32 long combat-issue super-secret-and-totally-official military pants that he got at the military store that he found when he was looking for military stuff. Then he pulled out his Benelli Super 90 M4 shotgun and loaded it up with shells that were firing pure distilled ass-kick-juice. He slung the weapon over his shoulder in an unconscious recreation of the US Special Forces super-secret-gun-slinging-over-the-shoulder technique, and then stood back and away from the door, slipping into a combat-ready stance without even thinking about it.
Then, while waiting for the door to open he reached to his side and curled his fingers around his Navy Seal M-77 X-Series Combat Utility Knife with phosphorous tracers so if he threw it in the middle of a fight it would leave a totally realistic red trail in mid-air that everyone knows really happens in combat situations. Oh, oh! It also had a laser sight and a retractable saw that would come out if you hit the button. A secret button. Yeah, it’s secret. Only military types know about it.
And then he reached into his shoe and pulled out his gold and nickel and silver and platinum plated Desert Eagle with pearl and ebony and ivory and onyx and emerald inlaid grip, laser sight, tracer-magnesium-armor-piercing-blessed-silver rounds, optional passenger seating, and 8x digital zoom. He kissed the slide of the gun lightly, then touched it with his tongue before he began to slobber all over it, moaning and attempting to deep throat as much of it as he could.
Finally the door opened to reveal Rupert Giles. Xander kicked the door the rest of the way open and then dove into the room, rolling like he’d learned how to do when he single-handedly beat the living shit out of a hundred SWAT team members while he was drunk because one of his eleven girlfriends broke up with him. He came up with his Desert Eagle raised high, and then shot Spike right through the forehead.
“Not raping me this time!” he cried as Spike crumpled the floor, exploded, reformed, turned to ash, reformed, and then melted to death.
“Xander!” Buffy screamed. Then she ran at him. “How could you? You’re too weak to do that!”
“Sure I ain’t, sweetcheeks,” Xander said, winking at her as he easily sidestepped her using a move he learned from the Kung Fu girl he slept with from that show about a girl who knew Kung Fu that got cancelled after three episodes, but hey she was kind of hot I guess, so there you go. Buffy tripped past him, so Xander took a few steps back, knowing that for some reason he was supposed to be worried about an angry Slayer even though he could kill her with half an eyelash if he needed to.
Buffy charged at him again so he hit her at a nerve cluster on her upper shoulder that took away her Slayer strength, made her sit down, and also made her horny for some reason. Then he totally beat the shit out of her to prove to her that the way she resorted to violence all the time was the wrong way to go.
Then he saved the world six billion times in the row and cursed twelve billion times while doing it. Oh and he slept with all the girls, especially the gays one, but not Buffy because she’s a bitch, even though she loved him and he loved her.
Then he went to sleep for twenty minutes while everyone in the world talked about how amazing he was.
Twelve - Saint Xander
Xander walked up to the door in a very innocent way. He was very happy and goofy because he was such a nice, happy, and innocent guy that no sane person would ever want to hurt. He knocked on the door and Giles let him inside. That was when Buffy saw him.
“Xander!” she screeched. “I just found out that you once told Angel he had a big forehead!”
“What? I did?”
“Yes!” she roared, fists curling into balls. “How could you!?”
“Oh no, you don’t understand,” Xander said, shaking his head. “This is all just a misunderstanding. I told him he had a big forehead because I knew you’d never be able to save the world unless I told him he had a big forehead. I’m a hero!”
“You bastard!”
Buffy charged at him and punched him directly in the face. Xander’s nose shattered under the force of the hit, and his face bones (people have face bones, right?) cracked and fractured too. Then he fell down and was already unconscious, but was that enough for Buffy? No way! She kicked him and punched him and broke all of his bones *twice.* Then she dumped him over a cliff.
Xander floated in the water for a long time, thinking about how much he loved Buffy and wondering why she would break all of his bones and dump him off a cliff. He should totally hate her but he was a really good guy, so he didn’t.
Then some people from another show who would actually appreciate Xander, let’s say, uh...Everybody Loves Raymond, find Xander and help him heal. Xander tells them what happens, but it takes him a long time because he thinks it’s all his fault. Then the big guy on that show, the cop, he makes Xander realize that Buffy is totally evil and doesn’t use nearly as many guns as she should. He teaches Xander to fight, but Xander’s already better than him after the first eighteen seconds of training.
See Eleven.
Thirteen - Totally Deep
The door was heavy. Large. Oak. It was like every thought that had ever pressed down on his heart. Rolling waves of anguish swept across the beaches of his mind as he stared upon it. There was a beat of his heart. A second. For is not the heart the metronome by which the beat of our lives is established?
He whispers his name.
“Angel.”
And he knows that he has been heard. Sound waves travel across the air like a ripple in a pond, and his heart is the stone sinking to its black depths. Cold. Dark. He says the terms in his mind because he cannot say them aloud. He is too afraid.
“Angel.”
A tear drips down his cheek. It is a tear for Angel. All things are for Angel, but he knows he cannot give him everything. It’s not all his to give, and as desperately as he wants to know he knows that it can never be. Their love is pure, but the world is not.
“Angel.”
The world is like the door. It is large and it is heavy. There is oak in it, like the stout tree of purest loving devotion that has been planted within the rich and nutrient-filled earth that is his heart. If only he could open that heart as easily as he might open the door in front of him, but alas, it is not so. Will he ever be able to open the door, or will he be lost to the sea of-
Wait, which metaphor was he on?
“Angel.”
Fourteen - Highlander
“There can be only one!”
Swordfights: everywhere!
Fifteen - Halloween”
“And what can I get you, young man?” the shop’s proprietor asked. He smiled at Xander. It was a charming smile, but if sent a chill down Xander’s spine all the same.
“I need a costume.”
“Well then you’ve come to the right place. What are you looking for?”
“Hmm,” Xander said, tapping his chin with a finger. “I need something obscure. Incredibly obscure, actually. And Japanese. Gotta be Japanese. The fewer people who have ever heard of it, the better. And it’s gotta be something with a lot of in-jokes that only the people who have ever seen it would understand.”
“I thought you didn’t want people to know what it was.”
“I don’t! They shouldn’t get the jokes. Just me and the six people who know what it is should get the jokes. In fact, do you have anything created by a random Japanese High School student? Maybe something he doodled in a notebook and showed to a friend? Cause that would be perfect.”
“Well, I do have this costume,” the man replied. He held it up for Xander. “And despite your only having two dollars and this obviously being an incredibly expensive and no doubt exceedingly rare costume, I will forego any attempt at being at all subtle and simply give it to you, an act which you should not find at all suspicious.”
“Oh don’t worry, I don’t!”
LATER THAT NIGHT:
Bardreggin stood up. His long flowing silver hair cascaded around him, and his huge shimmering purple eyes shone in the dark light. He drew his giant fucking katana from out of nowhere and looked around him. His talking half-cat/half-porcupine mutant familiar was nowhere to be seen, but at least he still had the belt buckle given to him by Sakura. That was better than being caught in the belt that Yuri had given him, *LOLZ* ^-^
Turning, he saw a demon come after him, so he quickly transformed into Mecha-Prime Bardreggin, and then vaporized every demon in the world by powering up to Super Mecha-Prime Bardreggin Level 57 and performing the Ultra Cha-Cha-Chiki Moonunitzappa attack.
Then he turned back into Xander only he looked like Bardreggin and he was even more powerful and also his talking half-cat/half-porcupine mutant familiar somehow found him also. Surprised? Not as surprised as Sakura was when she found out Bardreggin wasn’t going to compete in the seventh Budokai! thx 4 reading! kk bye! ^-^
Sixteen - Going Back In
“Xander,” Tara asked. “Can you un-gay me?”
Xander began to unbuckle his pants. “Not a problem.”
Seventeen - Cause They’re Hot, That’s Why
“Xander,” Graham asked. “Can you pretend I have any kind of personality or character to me beyond a half-dozen lines and gay me?”
Xander began to unbuckle his pants. “Not a problem.”
Eighteen - Jealous Bitch
Xander stalked up to the heavy oak door and banged on it several times. The door opened to reveal Rupert Giles, looking somewhat puzzled.
“What’s wrong, Xander?”
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong,” Xander barked, pushing past Giles and entering his apartment. He found Willow sitting on the couch waiting for him. “She made me un-gay!”
“I-what?”
“You heard me! She didn’t want me to be happy so she cast a spell to make me straight! Turns out I’m really gay!”
“Really?”
“Yup! And also it turns out I never loved her at all when I kissed her, Willow just cast a spell on me to make me think that I did because she was jealous of how I actually loved Buffy. I mean Cordelia. I mean Angel.”
“Wait,” Giles said, frowning. “Which one is it?”
“And you know what else she did? She cast a spell to make me clumsy! And she cast a spell to make me kind of annoying! And she cast a spell to make me bad at magic! And she cast a spell to make me forget that I’m actually an Elven Prince from the land of Imagination and that I can fly and play the harp!”
“Willow, is this true?” Giles asked.
“It’s true,” Willow sighed. She put her wrists together and held her hands out, palms up. “Take me away. I’m a horrible criminal who casts spells on the minds of others every day because of my inferiority complex.”
“Good, now if you’ll excuse me, if I have to go make out with Buffy, then Angel, then Cordelia, then come back here to make out with you, Giles, then Joyce, then realize that I’m actually an Elf, and then cast a lot of magic spells.”
“All right. I’ll lock Willow up for a thousand years for being so terrible.”
“Thanks, Giles.”
Nineteen - Daddy Dearest
“Dad!?” Xander gasped.
“That’s right,” Jack O’Neill said. “I’m your dad.”
“No you’re not! I am!”
“Superman?” Xander exclaimed. “You’re my dad?”
“Yes, I-”
“No he’s not!” Lion-O insisted. “I am!”
“Wait, I don’t even like cats, how could you be my-”
“Xander, my boy! I’ve looked everywhere for you,” said Captain Kirk. “You were caught in a temporal anomaly when you were born and I’ve only just now found you.”
“Do not listen to him, my son! I am your true father!”
“Who are you?” Xander asked.
“KHHHHAAAANN!!!” Kirk screamed.
“That’s right,” Khan nodded. “I’m Khan, and you’re Khan Junior.”
Xander frowned and scratched his head. “But wait, what about my actual dad? Tony. Who’s he?”
“You mean me?” Tony Harris asked. “I’m your father, of course. Only my name’s not Tony Harris. My name is really Bond. James Bond.”
“What? You don’t even look like James Bond. Any of them!”
“That’s because I’m undercover. This is all prosthetics,” he said, gesturing to his face.
“He’s lying,” a low voice growled. “I am your father. You are the son of the goddamn Batman.”
“Really?” Xander replied. “Well that’s kind of cool I guess, although-”
“No, I’m your father!” shouted Xena.
“Xena? But you’re a girl!”
“So?”
“You can’t be a father if you’re a girl.”
“Oh but you can be a mother if you’re a guy?” Xena countered.
“What?
“Oh, right, wrong chapter. Never mind.”
Assuming anyone actually finds that amusing (and assuming I go into the same kind of trance-like state from sleep deprivation) there may be more of those coming at some point. I’m open to suggestions as well. Maybe I should apologize to anyone who might be offended but, well, I don’t really care to.
Hope you enjoyed.