'mister postman..
..Do you have a letter for me... from my own.. true love.. lost at sea?'
Insightful.. such a word comes to mind, yet I am almost certain that it is incorrect..
Oh well.. thoughtful to say in the least. <3
..It's never that I don't realize. I realize plenty. o_O
This thing with Chris.. this frustration. I know that it's a good thing that he's so distant from me. I've no idea why I get so aggrivated by him. Perhaps it's simply the concept.
I know that if he spends more time with me that every second of that time will be semi-awkward.. only not so literally. I can't quite explain the feeling..
I'm comfortable, but I know he loves me..
I love him, but it's nothing like how it used to be...
..He'll walk up to me lovingly and tell me that he loves me.. He still does it. I respond and usually kiss him on the mouth. A peck, if you will. I deny him such kisses usually... but that's how it's supposed to go, I'd imagine..
Whenever I had the chance, I'd imagine myself putting on a charade as though I loved him again.. forgetting everything.. simply changing my state of mind on command.
I could do it, have mind you.. I'm almost certain I could. It's something I'd hate myself for, though. Fakeness disgusts me for some reason..
..the thought of leading somebody to believe something that isn't true.. all of it.
I'm happy to be like this.. and the only time I really get tired of it is whenever I sit and think about how the world is.. how everybody is as they are.. How do they do it?
How do they retain healthy relationships? (with everybody) How are the fake people able to make their ways into the places that they've managed to get into?
..I can barely talk to people. -.-
My friends, yes.. but I've no idea how that happened.
I do cower, but I don't think that they're better than me.. I simply believe that everybody thinks they're better than me.. that they think that I'm nothing.
A maggot.
..That's where my shyness comes from.
I suppose somehow it's managed to work its way into other factors of the mind..
I never thought Jordan to think me a maggot, yet I'm excruciatingly shy around him.. I was even when we were dating.
I wish I kept myself closed off.. Perhaps I'd have never felt the need to bitch.
Perhaps I'd look at the problem and leave it alone.. because it's what he wanted and I couldn't control it.. I'd just wish it were different.
..I miss things often.
I don't mean to, but I do..
..much as I don't mean to hold onto our past, but it just feels so... I don't know. -.- Very few things really make me happy in this world.
I wish I could be like him and find happiness in a car.. happiness in a sport. happiness in food..
It's not even that I'm dependant.. I just miss things, as I said.
..Just never try to ask me what I want.. for I hate even admitting to it.
..I'd like to start small.. and build. I'd like the chance.. Deffinently, I would..
I suppose this is a chance.. the fact that I'm not cut off from him entirely so. -.-
I just want to be treated as though I'm not the enemy for once..
..as though the reason why he's talking to me isn't to keep me from bitching..
I want him to want me around again..
Perhaps the only reason why he hasn't cut me off is because I haven't really done anything wrong..
The same reason why he hasn't cut off Marissa.. or "janie" -.-
He used to say how much he couldn't stand talking to her.. and now look at me.
I'm even worse..
I'm aware of how pointless everything seems.. I am.
..I just don't want to lie to myself about how I feel. This is how I feel, and I hate it.. but I only hate it because he hates it more.
I hate it because he wishes I never happened.. because I can't seem to stop..
because I kept trying to be his friend..
-.-
It feels as though I've fallen off of a cliff.. only repeatedly. It's strange. And still.. very vague. I can't describe my feelings so easily at the moment..
..I hear that song playing that they play at military funerals...
It reminds me of whenever Jordan called me simply to let me hear that other song.. the dark sad one.. It's another famous one.
<3-instrumentals.
I saw 'wedding crashers'.. I loved it. ^_^
It was adorible.
It makes me wish I were all about some lying and whatnot. It could be fun.
Logan payed for mine and heather's tickets, which was awesome. I lurve icees.. Especially the blue raspberry ones. It was crazy good..
They always are, I suppose.. I need to remember this whenever I'm face to face with them at convenient stores..
'convenient stores' sounds wrong. i should simply say 'gas stations'..
Hmm..
Stephali is having a baby.. and she plans to get married on October 31st 2006..
Oooo.. Halloween. How cliche.. but not really. I luff Stephalie.. and no, heather.. not the one you know.
^_^
I have my trap set up in my room, though I'd imagine it would be best if it were on the stair case. o_O
I distinctly caught it, actually.. so I should probably move it.
There's always tomorrow for that.
We're going to set bombs off in my house again. :) I need to clean my room and whatnot, though..
Heather picked me up early for dinner. ^_^ It was actually delicious for chicken. I didn't encounter any horrible parts.. Yummmmm... Gotta love chicken boob.
taste-wise, anyway..
I dont' know.. I'm so wierd about food.. Either way, I failed at my attempt to stay away from chicken.. I'm deffinently laying off of it at restaurants, though. Unless of course it's a choice between a hamburger and chicken strips..
Again, I wish somebody would blindfold me and chop a salad or something into bits and pieces and feed it to me..
I'd hate it, but I want it muches so.. It reminds me of a twisted fantasy of some sort...
A fantasy came to mind earlier in conversation, and I failed to mention it.. and now I'm struggling to recall just what brought it up. It was from a movie, I believe, though I'm not entirely sure why.
-.-
Perhaps it was simply an odd little thought to run through my mind..
*huggles*
Oh so lovely..
<3
Insightful.. such a word comes to mind, yet I am almost certain that it is incorrect..
Oh well.. thoughtful to say in the least. <3
..It's never that I don't realize. I realize plenty. o_O
This thing with Chris.. this frustration. I know that it's a good thing that he's so distant from me. I've no idea why I get so aggrivated by him. Perhaps it's simply the concept.
I know that if he spends more time with me that every second of that time will be semi-awkward.. only not so literally. I can't quite explain the feeling..
I'm comfortable, but I know he loves me..
I love him, but it's nothing like how it used to be...
..He'll walk up to me lovingly and tell me that he loves me.. He still does it. I respond and usually kiss him on the mouth. A peck, if you will. I deny him such kisses usually... but that's how it's supposed to go, I'd imagine..
Whenever I had the chance, I'd imagine myself putting on a charade as though I loved him again.. forgetting everything.. simply changing my state of mind on command.
I could do it, have mind you.. I'm almost certain I could. It's something I'd hate myself for, though. Fakeness disgusts me for some reason..
..the thought of leading somebody to believe something that isn't true.. all of it.
I'm happy to be like this.. and the only time I really get tired of it is whenever I sit and think about how the world is.. how everybody is as they are.. How do they do it?
How do they retain healthy relationships? (with everybody) How are the fake people able to make their ways into the places that they've managed to get into?
..I can barely talk to people. -.-
My friends, yes.. but I've no idea how that happened.
I do cower, but I don't think that they're better than me.. I simply believe that everybody thinks they're better than me.. that they think that I'm nothing.
A maggot.
..That's where my shyness comes from.
I suppose somehow it's managed to work its way into other factors of the mind..
I never thought Jordan to think me a maggot, yet I'm excruciatingly shy around him.. I was even when we were dating.
I wish I kept myself closed off.. Perhaps I'd have never felt the need to bitch.
Perhaps I'd look at the problem and leave it alone.. because it's what he wanted and I couldn't control it.. I'd just wish it were different.
..I miss things often.
I don't mean to, but I do..
..much as I don't mean to hold onto our past, but it just feels so... I don't know. -.- Very few things really make me happy in this world.
I wish I could be like him and find happiness in a car.. happiness in a sport. happiness in food..
It's not even that I'm dependant.. I just miss things, as I said.
..Just never try to ask me what I want.. for I hate even admitting to it.
..I'd like to start small.. and build. I'd like the chance.. Deffinently, I would..
I suppose this is a chance.. the fact that I'm not cut off from him entirely so. -.-
I just want to be treated as though I'm not the enemy for once..
..as though the reason why he's talking to me isn't to keep me from bitching..
I want him to want me around again..
Perhaps the only reason why he hasn't cut me off is because I haven't really done anything wrong..
The same reason why he hasn't cut off Marissa.. or "janie" -.-
He used to say how much he couldn't stand talking to her.. and now look at me.
I'm even worse..
I'm aware of how pointless everything seems.. I am.
..I just don't want to lie to myself about how I feel. This is how I feel, and I hate it.. but I only hate it because he hates it more.
I hate it because he wishes I never happened.. because I can't seem to stop..
because I kept trying to be his friend..
-.-
It feels as though I've fallen off of a cliff.. only repeatedly. It's strange. And still.. very vague. I can't describe my feelings so easily at the moment..
..I hear that song playing that they play at military funerals...
It reminds me of whenever Jordan called me simply to let me hear that other song.. the dark sad one.. It's another famous one.
<3-instrumentals.
I saw 'wedding crashers'.. I loved it. ^_^
It was adorible.
It makes me wish I were all about some lying and whatnot. It could be fun.
Logan payed for mine and heather's tickets, which was awesome. I lurve icees.. Especially the blue raspberry ones. It was crazy good..
They always are, I suppose.. I need to remember this whenever I'm face to face with them at convenient stores..
'convenient stores' sounds wrong. i should simply say 'gas stations'..
Hmm..
Stephali is having a baby.. and she plans to get married on October 31st 2006..
Oooo.. Halloween. How cliche.. but not really. I luff Stephalie.. and no, heather.. not the one you know.
^_^
I have my trap set up in my room, though I'd imagine it would be best if it were on the stair case. o_O
I distinctly caught it, actually.. so I should probably move it.
There's always tomorrow for that.
We're going to set bombs off in my house again. :) I need to clean my room and whatnot, though..
Heather picked me up early for dinner. ^_^ It was actually delicious for chicken. I didn't encounter any horrible parts.. Yummmmm... Gotta love chicken boob.
taste-wise, anyway..
I dont' know.. I'm so wierd about food.. Either way, I failed at my attempt to stay away from chicken.. I'm deffinently laying off of it at restaurants, though. Unless of course it's a choice between a hamburger and chicken strips..
Again, I wish somebody would blindfold me and chop a salad or something into bits and pieces and feed it to me..
I'd hate it, but I want it muches so.. It reminds me of a twisted fantasy of some sort...
A fantasy came to mind earlier in conversation, and I failed to mention it.. and now I'm struggling to recall just what brought it up. It was from a movie, I believe, though I'm not entirely sure why.
-.-
Perhaps it was simply an odd little thought to run through my mind..
*huggles*
Oh so lovely..
<3