New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Yeah. I spent a week in a phlegm-laden coma. It took me about a week longer to write this than I expected. Background/catch-up links:
Twilight
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
Made of Fail podcast that I was on: Twilight movie discussion episode
Original commentary on Twilight (book)
New Moon
Discussion of New Moon (movie) and fan behavior at an early preview
Made of Fail podcast that I was on: New Moon movie and celebrity/fandom discussion episode
Original commentary on New Moon (book)
By the way, I would recommend clicking the links here within the text itself; a couple of them are really... something else. Reading 2012 in Fifteen Minutes may also help.
Early O'Clock, Casa de Swan
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: DAAAAAAAAAD! I was dreaming about being my own grandmother, DO YOU MIND.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: Look, I got you a camera so you can take pictures of your friends! You know, those kids you should stop ignoring, in case your creepy boyfriend suddenly leaves you. And hey, your mom got you a scrapbook to go with it... what? What? Why is that so funny?
Forks High
EDWARD: *jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Happy birthday, paleface! I stopped by Redskins 'R' Us and got you a dreamcatcher. I hear you'll be needing one a few scenes from now.
BELLA: Thanks... I guess?
EDWARD: deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans*
[Edward is one pack of cigarettes rolled up his sleeve from a rumble with the Sharks; I kind of want to pinch Jacob's cheeks. It's a little bit Opposite Planet, is what I'm saying.]
EDWARD: Happy b--
BELLA: NO DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY I AM NOW A YEAR OLDER THAN YOU I'M SUCH A COUGAR lol except okay yeah you are a hundred years old YOU ARE SUCH A DIRTY OLD MAN OMG SO GROSS hanging around like this with an underage teenage girl except wait I'm legal now because OH GOD I AM EIGHTEEN AND THAT IS ONE MORE THAN SEVENTEEN AND I AM SO OOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!
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JACOB: o_O ...?
EDWARD: Yeah... this is my life now.
Some English Class
BELLA: ilu bb
EDWARD: So while we're on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I've been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you're just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I'm thinking... death by sparkle at high noon.
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BELLA: I SAID, ILU BB
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.
EDWARD: *sigh*
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SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.
Bella's OMG STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY Party
BELLA: Hey, I've been hanging out at your house all this time, but I've never noticed this painting before.
EDWARD: Well, you have been attached to my face for the last six months. It's a portrait of the Volturi--you know, the vampires who would help me kill myself, like I said.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Yeah, the foreshadowing is really nice.
[And then a revival of Interview with the Vampire breaks out.]
[And all the Cullens got her presents just like she didn't want: Alice got her a dress from Hot Topic and Rosalie got her a necklace inscribed Whatever, Bella, I Hate You and Emmett's all like YO BELLA I GOT YOU THIS STEREO IT'S TOTALLY FLY, but right as Bella's opening Carlisle and Esme's present, Jasper's hair flips out and tries to snarfle her, so Edward... hurls Bella into a table full of sharp and breaky things. GO YOU, SPARKLES.]
Mad Hair Disease is a serious issue that affects us all
The Rainforest in Bella's Backyard
EDWARD: So we're all leaving town and I don't want you to come.
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BELLA: Edward, you haven't wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
EDWARD: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
BELLA: WTF EDWARD NO
EDWARD: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what's best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we'll call it even.
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BELLA: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN'T NO
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
BELLA: EDWARD!
EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.
BELLA: EDWARD!!!
EDWARD: *VAMPIRE HAND*
BELLA: ...omg.
[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shellshocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]
Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT
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[These never appear in the series.]
CHARLIE: Okay, that's ENOUGH. You've been sitting here in your pajamas not changing facial expressions for FIVE MONTHS, writing emails to that loopy Cullen girl who won't even answer you, waking me up every night with screaming nightmares--what the hell are those even ABOUT? The kid dumped you, he didn't rip the beating heart out of your chest!
BELLA [opening overshirt]: YES HE DID.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: Well... then... spackle that up and... go pretend you have friends or something. Harry and I gotta go hunt.
BELLA: Hunting? In your police uniform?
HARRY CLEARWATER [ominously]: The plot points have returned.
The Alley Behind One-Eyed Pete's
JESSICA: So I mean, I know that zombies are this big thing because it's, like, a critique of the capitalist sheeple status quo or whatever, but who wants to spend two hours watching a zombie take his shirt off? No one, that's who. They probably don't even have abs, just, like, flabby rancid organs falling out and stuff. Yeah. That's hot. Last time I ever let you pick the movie. Wah wah my heart's been ripped out of my chest screaming nightmares I'm incomplete without a man wah, when we could be watching Inglorious Biceps or Johnny Depp Is Sexy Doing Anything--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[A pack of biker guys in the parking lot start catcalling at the girls, so Bella flashes back to that time in the first movie when she got in trouble with street-prowling lowlifes and Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save her. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one's delicate human. The name always sounded way too much like a woman's secret place for Edward's comfort, but safety is important. In conclusion: Volvo. Out of habit, Bella starts heading for trouble.]
IMAGINARY EDWARD: No, Bella! Don't go any closer, my sweet moron!
BELLA: So... wait. If I risk my life in incredibly stupid ways, I'll have hallucinations of my ex-boyfriend berating me? SWEET.
[So Bella rides off with some really sketchy biker while Imaginary Edward wisps along all NEVER GO TO A SECOND LOCATION WITH A STRANGER and BELLA, I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU ARE NOT EVEN WEARING A HELMET until finally even Bella gets freaked out by her complete lack of instinct for self-preservation.]
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SOME BIKER: And then she just ran off before I could kidnap her or assault her or anything!
SOME OTHER BIKER: Aw, don't take it personally. She was probably just distraught over visions of her vampire ex-boyfriend.
JESSICA: OH MY GOD. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go directly to CRAZYTOWN.
[Because Jessica is talking sense, she is not allowed to speak again for the rest of the movie.]
Jacob's House, La Push Reservation
BELLA: Hey Jacob, can you give me a hand? I'll never get this broke-ass motorcycle up and killing me by myself.
JACOB: You wouldn't happen to just be using me for my l33t mechanic skillz, would you?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: No! Of course not! I'm also using you to fill the gut-wrenching, Edward-shaped emptiness in my soul.
JACOB: Oh, well... cool, then.
[Because Jacob is awesome and funny and charming, he soon has Bella accepting nourishment and listening to indie soundtrack rock again. He even gets her to interact with people, having upgraded his posse to a couple of boys who are actually his age. Oh, and who look good without shirts.]
QUIL: Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: HEY, DON'T YOU HAVE A TODDLER TO IMPRINT ON OR SOMETHING?
A Little Somethin' for the Ladies
[Well, this whole movie is a lotta somethin' for the ladies, but... exceptionally so.]
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BELLA: OMG LOOK AT THOSE SHIRTLESS GUYS TRYING TO KILL THEMSELVES, THIS IS SOMETHING I AM INTERESTED IN
JACOB: Bella, they're just cliff-diving.
BELLA: Hey, wait--is that--Quil and Embry?
JACOB: Yeah... they used to be my friends, and then they joined Sam's musclebound boy-band cult. And I think he wants me next.
BELLA: Sure, that's great, whatever. Now, about this death bike thing...
[So Jacob teaches Bella the safe and responsible way to start and stop the motorcycle, so that she can then completely ignore him and go roaring down the road while Imaginary Edward (Bellaaaaaaaaaa) and his handwringing (Bellaaaaa, I told you to wear a hellllllllmeeeeeeeet) pop up to distract her (Don't you need a license for one of these thiiiiiiiingsssss) like obstacles (If I were real I would so tell on youuuuuuuu) in a bad video game. So of course she wipes out and cracks her head open. GOOD JOB. Then Jacob strips off his shirt so he can dab ineffectually at the blood pouring from Bella's head, because he is not old enough to receive certification in emergency lapdance.]
BELLA: Wow... you're sorta beautiful.
JACOB: : )
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BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we'd be in business.
JACOB: : (
Invigorated, Bella Rejoins the Mundanes
MIKE: So... Bella... you wanna go see a movie this weekend? I was thinking about this romantic comedy called Mike Newton Finally Makes His Move--
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BELLA: A movie sounds great--hey guys! Who wants to go see Face Punch: The Ultimate Cockblock?
No, Seriously, It's Actually Called Face Punch
[And it is pretty much the most awesome movie ever. I mean, until Mike runs off to hworf up his popcorn in the restroom.]
JACOB: Bella, do you like me-like me? Here, check yes/no/maybe.
BELLA: Jake, if you persist in trying to get me to give back to you emotionally, you are totally going to ruin our friendship, and then I won't be able to use you anymore.
JACOB: Never, Bella! I will never give you up! I will never let you down--I will never run around and--
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MIKE: Before I get carried off to the hospital, I would just like to say: OLD MEME.
JACOB: OH YEAH? WELL, I'LL PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL! WHERE YOU WILL NOT HAVE ADEQUATE HEALTH CARE UNTIL THE SENATE VOTES ON A BILL!
MIKE: What was that, "acting"?
BELLA: Oh my God, Jake--you're so hot.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Thanks, baby.
BELLA: No, I mean, I think you are running an actual fever. Like a fever of at least a hundred and--
JACOB: I HAVE TO GO NOW.
The Cure Is Not More Cowbell
[Supposedly Jacob has the flu, but now he won't answer the phone, won't answer the door, won't speak to Bella at all. So she goes out in search of her emotional crutch, only to find him out moping shirtless in the rain, his hair cut short, the Sign of the Boy Band Cult tattooed on his arm, all his charm gone. Unfortunately, like Samson, his awesome was in his hair. It's all downhill from here.]
JACOB: It's not you, it's me! I'm not good for you, Bella! STAY AWAY OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT! Go on, leave me to my emo before I run out of ironic clichés!
BELLA: You can't break up with me! I wasn't even letting you go out with me!
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[But then Sam and his Brotherhood of the Waxen Pec arrive to collect Jacob.]
BELLA: YOU KNOW, AT LEAST I GOT SOME PREMARITAL SNUGGLING OUT OF EDWARD FIRST!
Edward's Favorite Meadow (He Had a Favorite Meadow)
[Desperate and alone, Bella goes back to her favorite eyesexing place, but it's nothing but a parched, empty field now. You guys, Edward bounced and he took the meadow with him. HE TOOK THE MEADOW WITH HIM. Unfortunately, he did not take that one bad shirtless vampire from the first movie with him. No, the other one.]
LAURENT: Y hello thar, tastiness.
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IMAGINARY EDWARD: Lie, Bella, lie!
BELLA: SO MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND'S ON HIS WAY AND YOU'RE GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE REAL REAL SOON
IMAGINARY EDWARD: LIE MORE BETTER
[Surely Real Edward will come running to save her! But no! His dazzle is too imaginary, woe. THEN SUDDENLY a pack of GIANT FREAKING WOLVES jump out and chase after Laurent and you know whatever happens next is going to be TOTALLY AWESOME, so Bella just... runs home.]
BELLA: OMG CHARLIE CHARLIE THE PLOT POINTS AREN'T BEARS! They're giant freaking wolves!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARRY CLEARWATER, OF THE WEREWOLF CLEARWATERS: No, they are bears. They are totally, totally bears.
BELLA: No! I saw them! They were... uh. Doing stuff. And then I came home. The end.
CHARLIE: So... there was a pack of Giant Freaking Wolves out in your favorite meadow, doing... stuff.
BELLA: Look, I only ever hear about these things after some male character fills me in, I'm not allowed to actually be there when interesting things happen.
Casa de Swan... After Dark
JACOB: Bella! Can I climb into your room, even though I'm mostly naked and it's late at night?
BELLA: Wait--I don't--you're asking first?
JACOB? What? Of course! What kind of creep would just show up in a girl's bedroom?
BELLA: Jake, no! I haven't opened the window yet!
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JACOB: Don't worry! My nipples can cut glass!
[So Jacob parkours up the tree on into Bella's room in his unshirtedness, with his Marky Mark undawears hanging out.]
JACOB: Remember the story I told you in the first movie?
The Beach, La Push Reservation
BELLA: Wait, what?
JACOB: Yeah, there's all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the '30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.
JACOB: I really, really need you to remember--MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA.
BELLA: Mmm. Story?
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JACOB: The story about the--STOP PETTING MY ABS.
BELLA: Oh, you mean the story about how Edward was actually a sexy dangerous vampire the whole time and I didn't know it?
JACOB: *FACEPAW*
He's--A Warwelf? A Worwilf?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: OHHHHHHHHH.
[So Bella marches over to Jacob's house in righteous indignation to confront Sam's Esoteric Order of Pectorals--]
BELLA: *FACEPUNCH*
[--which pisses off one of the Lesser Freaking Wolves. Hey, maybe action movies really do promote violence. BEEFCAKE SMASH PUNY FEMALE! Jacob decathlons out of the house to save her! DUELING FURSPLOSIONS THROUGH THE YARD, HOPE YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT ROWBOAT TOO MUCH, and it is so awesome that the camera falls over.]
QUIL: I say we go eat.
BELLA: What? Shouldn't we wait until they stop killing each other?
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QUIL: Nah, they're gonna be here a while. Generally I like to leave before the winner starts humping.
Werewolf Central
[Let's have an infodump while we wait on the furries to quit wrestling!]
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QUIL: So Jacob couldn't tell you stuff because Sam alpha-ordered us not to and that means you literally can't disobey him except maybe Jacob could a couple of books from now because he's secretly the REAL pack leader which I know because we can all hear each other's thoughts when we're out wolfing which is pretty awesome except when there is weredrama and that kind of sucks like right now because we're really kind of sick of Jacob thinking about you all the time, like seriously, you don't even want to know--let's just say it's a good thing we've got a stash of extra pants in the woods so you won't see when--
EMBRY: OMG, STFU NOOB
EMILY: Hey, Vampire Girl! I'm a Wolf Girl because I'm engaged to Sam, the pack leader. I mean, yeah, he clawed half my face off because one day he got mad and I was standing there, but he felt real bad about it afterwards.
SAM: I only hurt the ones I'm close to, baby.
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EMILY: Weremuffin?
The Beach, La Push Reservation
BELLA: So... you came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf and... now you're allergic to shirts.
JACOB: It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It's not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]
BELLA: Hey, who said I was complaining?
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JACOB: Well, I mean... that's kind of what you do.
BELLA: Well, since we're on the subject: YOU KILL PEOPLE WHEN YOU GO WOLFING, OMG WTF HDU.
JACOB: Um, NO, we kill VAMPIRES, who kill people. Like Laurent, in a fight that was too awesome to actually show you. Victoria sent him ahead for some reason. If only we could figure out who Victoria is after!
BELLA: UM, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK.
Speaking of Whom...
[Victoria is back and redder than ever in stylish thrift-store mourning for James, the Bad Shirtless Vampire that the Cullens killed in the first movie. Both her speed-mo and her vamp-fu are vastly improved, and she pretty much gets the one awesome background song in the entire movie while the werewolves chase her through the forest. Unfortunately, Harry Clearwater has to keep Victoria from finding Charlie and Charlie from finding the wolves--]
CHARLIE: Is that a Giant Freaking Wolfprint?
HARRY: What? I see nothing.
CHARLIE: Hey, who's that redhead?
HARRY: I have no idea what you're talking about.
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CHARLIE: But there's a Giant Freaking Wolf chewing on her head---
HARRY: LOOK OVER HERE, I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!
The Cliffs of Coincidence
BELLA: I can't live without a man. If this is the only way I can get him to tell me how stupid I am, so be it.
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[So Bella takes her swan dive, because Swan, you see, and...]
BELLA: Wow! I lived! I can fling myself off cliffs every day if I want to hear Edward bitch at me!
THE EARTH
ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL
WHAT IS THIS RETRO '50S BULLSHIT
*BITCHWAVESLAP*
Bella's Life, Sparkling Before Her Eyes
[Victoria just happens to jump off the same cliff while fleeing the werewolves, so she's sharking slowly through the watery gloom while Bella drowns, but that's okay, because Edward's with Bella now.]
BELLA: I mean, it's just Imaginary Edward, but the ocean's like a metaphor for sex, right? That's a pretty good way to go--WEREWOLF CPR WTF YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME DIE
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JACOB: Yeah... Harry Clearwater IS dead. While you were out there throwing your own life away, something bad actually happened to someone else.
BELLA: ... Awkward.
Snuggling in Bella's Broke-Ass Truck
JACOB: Warm your hands at my chestular fires, baby.
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BELLA: Ahhhh... a monster who could kill me, a hero to save me when I do something stupid, a man to drive the truck for me... it's almost like being with the guy I actually love.
[Just as Bella decides she still can't bring herself to throw this kid a pity kiss, LOOK LOOK IT'S A VOLVO OMFG A VAMPIRE VOLVO!]
JACOB: Bella, no! It's some kind of trick! I'm outside wereterritory here, I can't defend you! STAY OUTSIDE AND DO WHAT I SAY!
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BELLA: WHOA WHOA HEY THERE, WOLFBOY! YOU DON'T GET TO PUSH ME AROUND! YOU DON'T EVEN TWINKLE!
JACOB: *TRUCKPUNCH*
Casa de Swan
[OMG IT'S ALICE! HEY ALICE! She came alone, though, just to see if Bella was dead or not because she psychically saw Bella jump off the cliff and rather than call and be like HEY BELLA, I SEE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF IN THE NEAR FUTURE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK YOUR LIFE STRATEGY THERE, she just took her sweet-ass time driving over and scared the shit out of the other Cullens but that's cool because it turns out that Bella's just stupid, not dead. But why could Alice not see that Bella would be fished out by a werewolf?]
ALICE: THE WERE IS HARSHING MY CLAIRVOYANCE
JACOB: YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY
ALICE: SHUT YOUR FACE DOGBREATH
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JACOB: JACOB SMASH MOUTHY SHE-PIRE
ALICE: STFU MUTT
JACOB: GTFO LEECH
ALICE: NO, YOU
JACOB: NO, YOU
[--until Bella finally breaks it up to take Jacob aside:]
BELLA: We don't have to keep going around in bullshit love-triangle circles like this!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Yes, we DO! It's our destiny! I'm fated to end up with one of your ova!
BELLA: ... what?
JACOB: Uh... kiss me?
[Jacob manages to get one lip within macking distance of Bella WHEN SUDDENLY the phone rings:]
Some Melodramatic Garret in Rio
[Edward's holed up in some dive and his hair is sticking out in more directions than usual and his shirt isn't even starched and there's dead exsanguinated rats piled up to the ceiling because he's been too chagrined to clean up after himself. He's got a great view, though--enjoy Christ the Redeemer before Roland Emmerich trashes it three years from now!]
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EDWARD [on phone]: Wolfboy? WHY ARE YOU AT THE RESIDENCE OF MY BELOVED? ... WHERE'S CHARLIE? .... "HE HAS A FUNERAL TO ARRANGE"??
[*phonecrush emosob*]
Casa de Swan
[Alice stops Bella from throttling the fever-hot werelife out of Jacob because something is coming in over the wire!]
ALICE: Edward's going to kill himself! In a thematically appropriate way!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: IN THE MANNER THAT WAS FORESHADOWED?!
ALICE: Omg, are you psychic too?!
BELLA: WE MUST SAVE HIM
ALICE: VAMPIRE VOLVO, AWAY!
JACOB: NO, BELLA! You shouldn't love a dangerous bloodsucker! You should love a dangerous werewolf instead! JACOB KNOW BETTER THAN STUPID GIRL! JACOB SMASH VAMPIRE! JACOB SMASH BELLA IF PUNY FEMALE MAKE BIG STRONG MAN MAD!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Excuse me, do you sparkle? No? Then slow your roll, Furball.
[Alice and Bella tear off in the Cullenmobile to conjure Bella an insta-passport and two tickets on an immediate flight that just happens to get from Seattle to Italy right in the nick of time, because Alice is awesome, and plot holes wither away before her awesomosity.]
Virgin Airlines
[OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.]
Volterra, Italy, The Vampire Capital of the World, Because We Totally Have That
[Volterra is real? I'll be damned. So everyone's hanging out in red bathrobes at a parade for the Feast of St. Irony, commemorating the day that vampires were driven out of Italy, because... what? Look, Alice steals a hot yellow Porsche to get them there, that's all you need to know.]
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ALICE: Okay, Bella Adoraklutz Swan: all you have to do is run up and down these hilly side streets, around five hundred tourists, and through a fountain in exactly five minutes without... falling on your... oh, God, we're doomed.
Teenage Sparklecide: Don't Do It
BELLA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *stumbletrip* OOOOOOOOOOOO *touristshove* OOOOOOOOOOOO *elbowthrow* OOOOOOOOOOOO *pigeonkick* OOOOOOOOOOOO *fountainsplash* OOOOOOOOOOOO *sparkleslam* OOOOOOOOOOOO!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[Edward looks down in the middle of his suicidal unshirtfulness and notices that he is suddenly wearing a teenage girl.]
BELLA: NO! EDWARD! STOP! The movie's not shitty at all!
EDWARD: Really?
BELLA: The production values are certainly a lot better. And it's already made a crap-ton of money!
EDWARD: Well, but I heard the reviews were pretty bad--
BELLA: MORE IMPORTANTLY I AM ALIVE, HELLO
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
EDWARD: DARLING!
Inside the Volturi Palace
EDWARD: Bella, of course I was lying when I said I didn't love you! How could I ever get sick of your whining?
BELLA: Edward, you crushed my heart in your marble fist and left me catatonic with grief for months on end. You said exactly the things that you knew would hurt me the most, counting on my low self-esteem and human inferiority complex to make me believe them. Why should I believe anything you say ever again? How can I trust you now?
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EDWARD: Sparkle makeouts?
BELLA: NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
[In the middle of this endless sunlit liplock, Colossus and Leech show up.]
BELLA: EXCUSE ME WE ARE EYESEXING DO YOU MIND
[The "young" henchvamps have brought Edward a complimentary bathrobe and, uh, an ass-kicking summons oh shit. Alice pops up, having stolen all the tiny hotel soaps and stuffed a mini-bar into her purse--]
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ALICE: Pillow mint?
[--but then Dakota Fanningpire shows up, and because she is the biggest name in the entire movie, they all have to do what she says.]
The Volturi Throne Room
[The henchvamps take Our Heroes to see the Volturi, the head vampires thoughtfully explained at the beginning of the movie. They are led by Aro, who is FABULOUS.]
LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERSPARKLER
[FYI: Sparklepires tend to have X-Men superpowers. Alice can see the future, as was previously necessary to the plot. Aro can read someone's entire mind (except Bella's) and everything they have ever thought by touching them. Marcus has the powers of 1) of seeing relationships, because apparently that's a power, and 2) being bored off his ass.]
MARCUS: Eh, wake me when the food gets here.
[Dakota Fanningpire Jane has Jedi mind-taser skillz, and Caius has the power of sneer. Ironically, I think Colossus and Leech have powers, but we don't see them use any.]
CAIUS: So what's Twinkletoes' power?
ARO: Reading minds (except the tasty one's)--but wait! He also attracts teenage girls!
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EDWARD [somewhat haunted]: ...and their mothers. So many, many mothers.
ARO: You see! I knew you would be useful to us. And so here we are--true love! A happy ending! Manflesh fanservice! Everyone wins! Jane, crucio them with your eyeliner.
JANE: :D
BELLA: ...?
JANE: >: (
ARO: Awetabulous! Splendiferous! The human has some kind of power as well! It would be terribly ironic if she were to use it against us someday! Not to worry, not to worry--we have to kill you all anyway. Shame. I mean, unless you were going to turn the human into a vampire, but--
BELLA: I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH--
EDWARD: Stand back, my love, I will protect you! They can't hurt us--all we ever do in this "saga" is stand around and talk!
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BELLA: --SERIOUSLY, THERE'S NO NEED TO--
ARO: Colossus? Pain him.
EDWARD: You can't do anything to me--I'm the hero! And I'm not just any hero--I'm the dreamiest hero there ever was!
ALICE: EDWARD, NO! THEY MAKE UP ACTION SCENES FOR THE MOVIES--!
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ARO: Colossus? Pain him in the face.
Fifteen Minutes of Hard Surfaces Later
[Colossus pile-drives Edward into several marble fixtures. Judging by the cheers, I'm guessing that this is the part the four guys in my audience came to see.]
ARO: Oh, Colossus, those were my favorite steps. Well, anyway: kill them.
ALICE: No! Wait! I have seen the future, and Bella will become a vampire, which makes everything okay!
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[And then Alice shows Aro a flashforward to Breaking Dawn--I am not making this up--in which Edward goes loping in slo-mo through a magical forest and then Bella runs by all a-sparkle, because apparently Bella getting vampired will send them back in time a hundred years to a world where Edward can finally wear all the beige he wants.]
ARO: SERIOUSLY? Well, I can't wait to see that. You're free to go!
[... unlike the crowd of tourists currently being herded past Bella and the Cullens.]
BELLA: Who's that?
ALICE: ... the food.
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[Run! Run from real vampires doing actual vampiring!]
Casa de Swan
[Bella's grounded for life, but that's okay because Edward's back to lurking in her room and watching her sleep, just the way it used to be. Ah, bliss.]
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Do I get to be a vampire now?
EDWARD: No!
BELLA: How about now?
EDWARD: No!
BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?
EDWARD: NO!
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BELLA: BUT HE SAID I GET TO BE ONE NOW!
Emergency Family Meeting, Chez Sparklepire
BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire?
[Jasper's hair is all for Bella being less tasty, and Emmett is stoked to actually get a second line of dialogue, but Rosalie is all WHATEVER BELLA I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GRATEFUL AND ALL THAT YOU SAVED EDWARD'S DUMB ASS BUT I NEVER WANTED TO BE A VAMPIRE SO YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER, AND ALSO: BABIES.]
BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire so I'll shut the hell up?
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THE CULLENS: *unanimous*
POINTLESS LOVE TRIANGLE WHATEVER WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS
EDWARD: Jacob, allow me to express my humble gratitude that you took care of my frail helpless woman after I punked out. P.S. I WIN.
JACOB: YEAH WELL IT SAYS IN THE WEREVAMP TREATY THAT YOU CAN'T BITE HER SO THERE
[And right as they're about to tear away their shirts and have an ab-off, Bella throws herself between the two men she loves! Gasp!]
BELLA: Look, Jacob: Edward is the love of my life, but jerking you around makes me feel good. See you around in the next movie.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Oh--yeah? Well--I'll--I'll go find a better series! A series that deserves a charming, snarky, comparatively normal character like me! A series that will actually give me a fighting chance at getting the girl--ANY girl--a girl who's already been BORN! THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!
BELLA: Really? You will?
JACOB: ... *weresob*
Not, Literally Speaking, The "Climax"
EDWARD: So you really want to be a vampire? You want to live forever? You want to be with me? You want, in living forever, to be forever with me?
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BELLA: HELLO YOU HAVE GRADUATED SCHOOL LIKE FIFTY TIMES IN A ROW I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART
EDWARD: Then I have one condition.
BELLA: ...?
EDWARD: [Pause.]
BELLA: EDWARD, I AM TEN SECONDS OLDER THAN I WAS TEN SECONDS BEFORE, HURRY UP
EDWARD: [Pause. Pause pause pause. Pauuuuuuuse.]
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BELLA: EDWARD, I AM DYING OF OLD AGE HERE, SPIT IT OUT
EDWARD: [Pauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse.] Marry me.
BELLA: ...!
[THE END.]
[Wait, what?]
[You know why this is a cliffhanger? Because Bella's actual reply is that she is too young to get married. TOO YOUNG. TO GET MARRIED. BEFORE SHE DIES. AS A TEENAGER. Fortunately all the fangirl squee covered up the sound of my head exploding.]
BELLA: If I say yes, can we do the sex now?
EDWARD: NO!
Fin.
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( Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)
Twilight
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes
Made of Fail podcast that I was on: Twilight movie discussion episode
Original commentary on Twilight (book)
New Moon
Discussion of New Moon (movie) and fan behavior at an early preview
Made of Fail podcast that I was on: New Moon movie and celebrity/fandom discussion episode
Original commentary on New Moon (book)
By the way, I would recommend clicking the links here within the text itself; a couple of them are really... something else. Reading 2012 in Fifteen Minutes may also help.
Early O'Clock, Casa de Swan
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: DAAAAAAAAAD! I was dreaming about being my own grandmother, DO YOU MIND.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
CHARLIE: Look, I got you a camera so you can take pictures of your friends! You know, those kids you should stop ignoring, in case your creepy boyfriend suddenly leaves you. And hey, your mom got you a scrapbook to go with it... what? What? Why is that so funny?
Forks High
EDWARD: *jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Happy birthday, paleface! I stopped by Redskins 'R' Us and got you a dreamcatcher. I hear you'll be needing one a few scenes from now.
BELLA: Thanks... I guess?
EDWARD: deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans*
[Edward is one pack of cigarettes rolled up his sleeve from a rumble with the Sharks; I kind of want to pinch Jacob's cheeks. It's a little bit Opposite Planet, is what I'm saying.]
EDWARD: Happy b--
BELLA: NO DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY I AM NOW A YEAR OLDER THAN YOU I'M SUCH A COUGAR lol except okay yeah you are a hundred years old YOU ARE SUCH A DIRTY OLD MAN OMG SO GROSS hanging around like this with an underage teenage girl except wait I'm legal now because OH GOD I AM EIGHTEEN AND THAT IS ONE MORE THAN SEVENTEEN AND I AM SO OOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: o_O ...?
EDWARD: Yeah... this is my life now.
Some English Class
BELLA: ilu bb
EDWARD: So while we're on the subject of Romeo and Juliet where everyone can hear us, I've been contemplating suicide lately. You know, some ironic but thematically appropriate means involving characters you're just now hearing about for the first time, should the plot necessitate it. I'm thinking... death by sparkle at high noon.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: I SAID, ILU BB
SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: Mr. Cullen! Please recite a thematically appropriate passage for us, so that the fangirls in the audience can record it on their phones and play it on repeat every night before they go to sleep.
EDWARD: *sigh*
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SOME ENGLISH TEACHER: A bit louder, Mr. Cullen! Some of them will want to use it as a ringtone.
Bella's OMG STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY Party
BELLA: Hey, I've been hanging out at your house all this time, but I've never noticed this painting before.
EDWARD: Well, you have been attached to my face for the last six months. It's a portrait of the Volturi--you know, the vampires who would help me kill myself, like I said.
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BELLA: Yeah, the foreshadowing is really nice.
[And then a revival of Interview with the Vampire breaks out.]
[And all the Cullens got her presents just like she didn't want: Alice got her a dress from Hot Topic and Rosalie got her a necklace inscribed Whatever, Bella, I Hate You and Emmett's all like YO BELLA I GOT YOU THIS STEREO IT'S TOTALLY FLY, but right as Bella's opening Carlisle and Esme's present, Jasper's hair flips out and tries to snarfle her, so Edward... hurls Bella into a table full of sharp and breaky things. GO YOU, SPARKLES.]
Mad Hair Disease is a serious issue that affects us all
The Rainforest in Bella's Backyard
EDWARD: So we're all leaving town and I don't want you to come.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
BELLA: Edward, you haven't wanted me to come for six months now. This is not new.
EDWARD: Bella, I am too dangerous for you. If I stay in these movies, there will constantly be some threat to you. I must leave you, because I love you.
BELLA: WTF EDWARD NO
EDWARD: Bella, let me mansplain this to you, since a frail helpless female would never understand what's best for her: I am BAD FOR YOU and I have NO SOUL and I am not willing to take yours and sometimes I feel really funny when you kiss me and I think this is bad for my virginity and you are going to GET DEAD if we stay together. Just promise me to stay not-dead after I leave and we'll call it even.
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BELLA: WTF NO NO NO YOU CAN'T NO
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EDWARD: Okay, LOOK. I am SICK OF YOU and your whining and your clinging and and your endless codependency and these SHITTY, SHITTY MOVIES, OKAY? I am SICK of this endless slo-mo and this magenta lipstick bullshit. I AM A GROWN MAN, NOT A POWDERED DONUT, AND THESE CONTACTS HURT, OKAY? I AM DONE WITH THIS.
BELLA: EDWARD!
EDWARD: SPARKLE OUT.
BELLA: EDWARD!!!
EDWARD: *VAMPIRE HAND*
BELLA: ...omg.
[Bella then curls up in the woods to die, too shellshocked even to notice that Some Ripped Quileute Guy carries her home. She remains catatonic in her room while OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, and DECEMBER drift past her window.]
Scenes of Bella Attempting to Move on With Her Life
Scenes of Bella Setting a Good Example for Real-Life Teenage Girls
Scenes of Bella Putting on Her Big Girl Panties and DEALING WITH IT
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[These never appear in the series.]
CHARLIE: Okay, that's ENOUGH. You've been sitting here in your pajamas not changing facial expressions for FIVE MONTHS, writing emails to that loopy Cullen girl who won't even answer you, waking me up every night with screaming nightmares--what the hell are those even ABOUT? The kid dumped you, he didn't rip the beating heart out of your chest!
BELLA [opening overshirt]: YES HE DID.
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CHARLIE: Well... then... spackle that up and... go pretend you have friends or something. Harry and I gotta go hunt.
BELLA: Hunting? In your police uniform?
HARRY CLEARWATER [ominously]: The plot points have returned.
The Alley Behind One-Eyed Pete's
JESSICA: So I mean, I know that zombies are this big thing because it's, like, a critique of the capitalist sheeple status quo or whatever, but who wants to spend two hours watching a zombie take his shirt off? No one, that's who. They probably don't even have abs, just, like, flabby rancid organs falling out and stuff. Yeah. That's hot. Last time I ever let you pick the movie. Wah wah my heart's been ripped out of my chest screaming nightmares I'm incomplete without a man wah, when we could be watching Inglorious Biceps or Johnny Depp Is Sexy Doing Anything--
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
[A pack of biker guys in the parking lot start catcalling at the girls, so Bella flashes back to that time in the first movie when she got in trouble with street-prowling lowlifes and Edward rode in on the Vampire Volvo of Great Justice to save her. Volvo: The vehicle of choice for busting out hardcore rescue maneuvers, yet dependable enough for the everyday chauffeuring of one's delicate human. The name always sounded way too much like a woman's secret place for Edward's comfort, but safety is important. In conclusion: Volvo. Out of habit, Bella starts heading for trouble.]
IMAGINARY EDWARD: No, Bella! Don't go any closer, my sweet moron!
BELLA: So... wait. If I risk my life in incredibly stupid ways, I'll have hallucinations of my ex-boyfriend berating me? SWEET.
[So Bella rides off with some really sketchy biker while Imaginary Edward wisps along all NEVER GO TO A SECOND LOCATION WITH A STRANGER and BELLA, I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU ARE NOT EVEN WEARING A HELMET until finally even Bella gets freaked out by her complete lack of instinct for self-preservation.]
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SOME BIKER: And then she just ran off before I could kidnap her or assault her or anything!
SOME OTHER BIKER: Aw, don't take it personally. She was probably just distraught over visions of her vampire ex-boyfriend.
JESSICA: OH MY GOD. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go directly to CRAZYTOWN.
[Because Jessica is talking sense, she is not allowed to speak again for the rest of the movie.]
Jacob's House, La Push Reservation
BELLA: Hey Jacob, can you give me a hand? I'll never get this broke-ass motorcycle up and killing me by myself.
JACOB: You wouldn't happen to just be using me for my l33t mechanic skillz, would you?
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BELLA: No! Of course not! I'm also using you to fill the gut-wrenching, Edward-shaped emptiness in my soul.
JACOB: Oh, well... cool, then.
[Because Jacob is awesome and funny and charming, he soon has Bella accepting nourishment and listening to indie soundtrack rock again. He even gets her to interact with people, having upgraded his posse to a couple of boys who are actually his age. Oh, and who look good without shirts.]
QUIL: Hey baby, you so pale and slim and clumsy, baby.
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JACOB: HEY, DON'T YOU HAVE A TODDLER TO IMPRINT ON OR SOMETHING?
A Little Somethin' for the Ladies
[Well, this whole movie is a lotta somethin' for the ladies, but... exceptionally so.]
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BELLA: OMG LOOK AT THOSE SHIRTLESS GUYS TRYING TO KILL THEMSELVES, THIS IS SOMETHING I AM INTERESTED IN
JACOB: Bella, they're just cliff-diving.
BELLA: Hey, wait--is that--Quil and Embry?
JACOB: Yeah... they used to be my friends, and then they joined Sam's musclebound boy-band cult. And I think he wants me next.
BELLA: Sure, that's great, whatever. Now, about this death bike thing...
[So Jacob teaches Bella the safe and responsible way to start and stop the motorcycle, so that she can then completely ignore him and go roaring down the road while Imaginary Edward (Bellaaaaaaaaaa) and his handwringing (Bellaaaaa, I told you to wear a hellllllllmeeeeeeeet) pop up to distract her (Don't you need a license for one of these thiiiiiiiingsssss) like obstacles (If I were real I would so tell on youuuuuuuu) in a bad video game. So of course she wipes out and cracks her head open. GOOD JOB. Then Jacob strips off his shirt so he can dab ineffectually at the blood pouring from Bella's head, because he is not old enough to receive certification in emergency lapdance.]
BELLA: Wow... you're sorta beautiful.
JACOB: : )
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BELLA: Now, if you were skinny, pasty, and a foot taller, we'd be in business.
JACOB: : (
Invigorated, Bella Rejoins the Mundanes
MIKE: So... Bella... you wanna go see a movie this weekend? I was thinking about this romantic comedy called Mike Newton Finally Makes His Move--
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BELLA: A movie sounds great--hey guys! Who wants to go see Face Punch: The Ultimate Cockblock?
No, Seriously, It's Actually Called Face Punch
[And it is pretty much the most awesome movie ever. I mean, until Mike runs off to hworf up his popcorn in the restroom.]
JACOB: Bella, do you like me-like me? Here, check yes/no/maybe.
BELLA: Jake, if you persist in trying to get me to give back to you emotionally, you are totally going to ruin our friendship, and then I won't be able to use you anymore.
JACOB: Never, Bella! I will never give you up! I will never let you down--I will never run around and--
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MIKE: Before I get carried off to the hospital, I would just like to say: OLD MEME.
JACOB: OH YEAH? WELL, I'LL PUT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL! WHERE YOU WILL NOT HAVE ADEQUATE HEALTH CARE UNTIL THE SENATE VOTES ON A BILL!
MIKE: What was that, "acting"?
BELLA: Oh my God, Jake--you're so hot.
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JACOB: Thanks, baby.
BELLA: No, I mean, I think you are running an actual fever. Like a fever of at least a hundred and--
JACOB: I HAVE TO GO NOW.
The Cure Is Not More Cowbell
[Supposedly Jacob has the flu, but now he won't answer the phone, won't answer the door, won't speak to Bella at all. So she goes out in search of her emotional crutch, only to find him out moping shirtless in the rain, his hair cut short, the Sign of the Boy Band Cult tattooed on his arm, all his charm gone. Unfortunately, like Samson, his awesome was in his hair. It's all downhill from here.]
JACOB: It's not you, it's me! I'm not good for you, Bella! STAY AWAY OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT! Go on, leave me to my emo before I run out of ironic clichés!
BELLA: You can't break up with me! I wasn't even letting you go out with me!
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[But then Sam and his Brotherhood of the Waxen Pec arrive to collect Jacob.]
BELLA: YOU KNOW, AT LEAST I GOT SOME PREMARITAL SNUGGLING OUT OF EDWARD FIRST!
Edward's Favorite Meadow (He Had a Favorite Meadow)
[Desperate and alone, Bella goes back to her favorite eyesexing place, but it's nothing but a parched, empty field now. You guys, Edward bounced and he took the meadow with him. HE TOOK THE MEADOW WITH HIM. Unfortunately, he did not take that one bad shirtless vampire from the first movie with him. No, the other one.]
LAURENT: Y hello thar, tastiness.
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IMAGINARY EDWARD: Lie, Bella, lie!
BELLA: SO MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND'S ON HIS WAY AND YOU'RE GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE REAL REAL SOON
IMAGINARY EDWARD: LIE MORE BETTER
[Surely Real Edward will come running to save her! But no! His dazzle is too imaginary, woe. THEN SUDDENLY a pack of GIANT FREAKING WOLVES jump out and chase after Laurent and you know whatever happens next is going to be TOTALLY AWESOME, so Bella just... runs home.]
BELLA: OMG CHARLIE CHARLIE THE PLOT POINTS AREN'T BEARS! They're giant freaking wolves!
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HARRY CLEARWATER, OF THE WEREWOLF CLEARWATERS: No, they are bears. They are totally, totally bears.
BELLA: No! I saw them! They were... uh. Doing stuff. And then I came home. The end.
CHARLIE: So... there was a pack of Giant Freaking Wolves out in your favorite meadow, doing... stuff.
BELLA: Look, I only ever hear about these things after some male character fills me in, I'm not allowed to actually be there when interesting things happen.
Casa de Swan... After Dark
JACOB: Bella! Can I climb into your room, even though I'm mostly naked and it's late at night?
BELLA: Wait--I don't--you're asking first?
JACOB? What? Of course! What kind of creep would just show up in a girl's bedroom?
BELLA: Jake, no! I haven't opened the window yet!
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JACOB: Don't worry! My nipples can cut glass!
[So Jacob parkours up the tree on into Bella's room in his unshirtedness, with his Marky Mark undawears hanging out.]
JACOB: Remember the story I told you in the first movie?
The Beach, La Push Reservation
BELLA: Wait, what?
JACOB: Yeah, there's all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the '30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.
JACOB: I really, really need you to remember--MY EYES ARE UP HERE, BELLA.
BELLA: Mmm. Story?
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JACOB: The story about the--STOP PETTING MY ABS.
BELLA: Oh, you mean the story about how Edward was actually a sexy dangerous vampire the whole time and I didn't know it?
JACOB: *FACEPAW*
He's--A Warwelf? A Worwilf?
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BELLA: OHHHHHHHHH.
[So Bella marches over to Jacob's house in righteous indignation to confront Sam's Esoteric Order of Pectorals--]
BELLA: *FACEPUNCH*
[--which pisses off one of the Lesser Freaking Wolves. Hey, maybe action movies really do promote violence. BEEFCAKE SMASH PUNY FEMALE! Jacob decathlons out of the house to save her! DUELING FURSPLOSIONS THROUGH THE YARD, HOPE YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT ROWBOAT TOO MUCH, and it is so awesome that the camera falls over.]
QUIL: I say we go eat.
BELLA: What? Shouldn't we wait until they stop killing each other?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
QUIL: Nah, they're gonna be here a while. Generally I like to leave before the winner starts humping.
Werewolf Central
[Let's have an infodump while we wait on the furries to quit wrestling!]
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QUIL: So Jacob couldn't tell you stuff because Sam alpha-ordered us not to and that means you literally can't disobey him except maybe Jacob could a couple of books from now because he's secretly the REAL pack leader which I know because we can all hear each other's thoughts when we're out wolfing which is pretty awesome except when there is weredrama and that kind of sucks like right now because we're really kind of sick of Jacob thinking about you all the time, like seriously, you don't even want to know--let's just say it's a good thing we've got a stash of extra pants in the woods so you won't see when--
EMBRY: OMG, STFU NOOB
EMILY: Hey, Vampire Girl! I'm a Wolf Girl because I'm engaged to Sam, the pack leader. I mean, yeah, he clawed half my face off because one day he got mad and I was standing there, but he felt real bad about it afterwards.
SAM: I only hurt the ones I'm close to, baby.
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EMILY: Weremuffin?
The Beach, La Push Reservation
BELLA: So... you came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf and... now you're allergic to shirts.
JACOB: It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. It's not like I wanted the women of America to treat me like a piece of meat. [*GLARE*]
BELLA: Hey, who said I was complaining?
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JACOB: Well, I mean... that's kind of what you do.
BELLA: Well, since we're on the subject: YOU KILL PEOPLE WHEN YOU GO WOLFING, OMG WTF HDU.
JACOB: Um, NO, we kill VAMPIRES, who kill people. Like Laurent, in a fight that was too awesome to actually show you. Victoria sent him ahead for some reason. If only we could figure out who Victoria is after!
BELLA: UM, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK.
Speaking of Whom...
[Victoria is back and redder than ever in stylish thrift-store mourning for James, the Bad Shirtless Vampire that the Cullens killed in the first movie. Both her speed-mo and her vamp-fu are vastly improved, and she pretty much gets the one awesome background song in the entire movie while the werewolves chase her through the forest. Unfortunately, Harry Clearwater has to keep Victoria from finding Charlie and Charlie from finding the wolves--]
CHARLIE: Is that a Giant Freaking Wolfprint?
HARRY: What? I see nothing.
CHARLIE: Hey, who's that redhead?
HARRY: I have no idea what you're talking about.
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CHARLIE: But there's a Giant Freaking Wolf chewing on her head---
HARRY: LOOK OVER HERE, I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!
The Cliffs of Coincidence
BELLA: I can't live without a man. If this is the only way I can get him to tell me how stupid I am, so be it.
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[So Bella takes her swan dive, because Swan, you see, and...]
BELLA: Wow! I lived! I can fling myself off cliffs every day if I want to hear Edward bitch at me!
THE EARTH
ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL
WHAT IS THIS RETRO '50S BULLSHIT
*BITCHWAVESLAP*
Bella's Life, Sparkling Before Her Eyes
[Victoria just happens to jump off the same cliff while fleeing the werewolves, so she's sharking slowly through the watery gloom while Bella drowns, but that's okay, because Edward's with Bella now.]
BELLA: I mean, it's just Imaginary Edward, but the ocean's like a metaphor for sex, right? That's a pretty good way to go--WEREWOLF CPR WTF YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME DIE
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JACOB: Yeah... Harry Clearwater IS dead. While you were out there throwing your own life away, something bad actually happened to someone else.
BELLA: ... Awkward.
Snuggling in Bella's Broke-Ass Truck
JACOB: Warm your hands at my chestular fires, baby.
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BELLA: Ahhhh... a monster who could kill me, a hero to save me when I do something stupid, a man to drive the truck for me... it's almost like being with the guy I actually love.
[Just as Bella decides she still can't bring herself to throw this kid a pity kiss, LOOK LOOK IT'S A VOLVO OMFG A VAMPIRE VOLVO!]
JACOB: Bella, no! It's some kind of trick! I'm outside wereterritory here, I can't defend you! STAY OUTSIDE AND DO WHAT I SAY!
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BELLA: WHOA WHOA HEY THERE, WOLFBOY! YOU DON'T GET TO PUSH ME AROUND! YOU DON'T EVEN TWINKLE!
JACOB: *TRUCKPUNCH*
Casa de Swan
[OMG IT'S ALICE! HEY ALICE! She came alone, though, just to see if Bella was dead or not because she psychically saw Bella jump off the cliff and rather than call and be like HEY BELLA, I SEE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF IN THE NEAR FUTURE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK YOUR LIFE STRATEGY THERE, she just took her sweet-ass time driving over and scared the shit out of the other Cullens but that's cool because it turns out that Bella's just stupid, not dead. But why could Alice not see that Bella would be fished out by a werewolf?]
ALICE: THE WERE IS HARSHING MY CLAIRVOYANCE
JACOB: YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY
ALICE: SHUT YOUR FACE DOGBREATH
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JACOB: JACOB SMASH MOUTHY SHE-PIRE
ALICE: STFU MUTT
JACOB: GTFO LEECH
ALICE: NO, YOU
JACOB: NO, YOU
[--until Bella finally breaks it up to take Jacob aside:]
BELLA: We don't have to keep going around in bullshit love-triangle circles like this!
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JACOB: Yes, we DO! It's our destiny! I'm fated to end up with one of your ova!
BELLA: ... what?
JACOB: Uh... kiss me?
[Jacob manages to get one lip within macking distance of Bella WHEN SUDDENLY the phone rings:]
Some Melodramatic Garret in Rio
[Edward's holed up in some dive and his hair is sticking out in more directions than usual and his shirt isn't even starched and there's dead exsanguinated rats piled up to the ceiling because he's been too chagrined to clean up after himself. He's got a great view, though--enjoy Christ the Redeemer before Roland Emmerich trashes it three years from now!]
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EDWARD [on phone]: Wolfboy? WHY ARE YOU AT THE RESIDENCE OF MY BELOVED? ... WHERE'S CHARLIE? .... "HE HAS A FUNERAL TO ARRANGE"??
[*phonecrush emosob*]
Casa de Swan
[Alice stops Bella from throttling the fever-hot werelife out of Jacob because something is coming in over the wire!]
ALICE: Edward's going to kill himself! In a thematically appropriate way!
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BELLA: IN THE MANNER THAT WAS FORESHADOWED?!
ALICE: Omg, are you psychic too?!
BELLA: WE MUST SAVE HIM
ALICE: VAMPIRE VOLVO, AWAY!
JACOB: NO, BELLA! You shouldn't love a dangerous bloodsucker! You should love a dangerous werewolf instead! JACOB KNOW BETTER THAN STUPID GIRL! JACOB SMASH VAMPIRE! JACOB SMASH BELLA IF PUNY FEMALE MAKE BIG STRONG MAN MAD!
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BELLA: Excuse me, do you sparkle? No? Then slow your roll, Furball.
[Alice and Bella tear off in the Cullenmobile to conjure Bella an insta-passport and two tickets on an immediate flight that just happens to get from Seattle to Italy right in the nick of time, because Alice is awesome, and plot holes wither away before her awesomosity.]
Virgin Airlines
[OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.]
Volterra, Italy, The Vampire Capital of the World, Because We Totally Have That
[Volterra is real? I'll be damned. So everyone's hanging out in red bathrobes at a parade for the Feast of St. Irony, commemorating the day that vampires were driven out of Italy, because... what? Look, Alice steals a hot yellow Porsche to get them there, that's all you need to know.]
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ALICE: Okay, Bella Adoraklutz Swan: all you have to do is run up and down these hilly side streets, around five hundred tourists, and through a fountain in exactly five minutes without... falling on your... oh, God, we're doomed.
Teenage Sparklecide: Don't Do It
BELLA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *stumbletrip* OOOOOOOOOOOO *touristshove* OOOOOOOOOOOO *elbowthrow* OOOOOOOOOOOO *pigeonkick* OOOOOOOOOOOO *fountainsplash* OOOOOOOOOOOO *sparkleslam* OOOOOOOOOOOO!
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[Edward looks down in the middle of his suicidal unshirtfulness and notices that he is suddenly wearing a teenage girl.]
BELLA: NO! EDWARD! STOP! The movie's not shitty at all!
EDWARD: Really?
BELLA: The production values are certainly a lot better. And it's already made a crap-ton of money!
EDWARD: Well, but I heard the reviews were pretty bad--
BELLA: MORE IMPORTANTLY I AM ALIVE, HELLO
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EDWARD: DARLING!
Inside the Volturi Palace
EDWARD: Bella, of course I was lying when I said I didn't love you! How could I ever get sick of your whining?
BELLA: Edward, you crushed my heart in your marble fist and left me catatonic with grief for months on end. You said exactly the things that you knew would hurt me the most, counting on my low self-esteem and human inferiority complex to make me believe them. Why should I believe anything you say ever again? How can I trust you now?
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EDWARD: Sparkle makeouts?
BELLA: NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
[In the middle of this endless sunlit liplock, Colossus and Leech show up.]
BELLA: EXCUSE ME WE ARE EYESEXING DO YOU MIND
[The "young" henchvamps have brought Edward a complimentary bathrobe and, uh, an ass-kicking summons oh shit. Alice pops up, having stolen all the tiny hotel soaps and stuffed a mini-bar into her purse--]
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ALICE: Pillow mint?
[--but then Dakota Fanningpire shows up, and because she is the biggest name in the entire movie, they all have to do what she says.]
The Volturi Throne Room
[The henchvamps take Our Heroes to see the Volturi, the head vampires thoughtfully explained at the beginning of the movie. They are led by Aro, who is FABULOUS.]
LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERSPARKLER
[FYI: Sparklepires tend to have X-Men superpowers. Alice can see the future, as was previously necessary to the plot. Aro can read someone's entire mind (except Bella's) and everything they have ever thought by touching them. Marcus has the powers of 1) of seeing relationships, because apparently that's a power, and 2) being bored off his ass.]
MARCUS: Eh, wake me when the food gets here.
[Dakota Fanningpire Jane has Jedi mind-taser skillz, and Caius has the power of sneer. Ironically, I think Colossus and Leech have powers, but we don't see them use any.]
CAIUS: So what's Twinkletoes' power?
ARO: Reading minds (except the tasty one's)--but wait! He also attracts teenage girls!
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EDWARD [somewhat haunted]: ...and their mothers. So many, many mothers.
ARO: You see! I knew you would be useful to us. And so here we are--true love! A happy ending! Manflesh fanservice! Everyone wins! Jane, crucio them with your eyeliner.
JANE: :D
BELLA: ...?
JANE: >: (
ARO: Awetabulous! Splendiferous! The human has some kind of power as well! It would be terribly ironic if she were to use it against us someday! Not to worry, not to worry--we have to kill you all anyway. Shame. I mean, unless you were going to turn the human into a vampire, but--
BELLA: I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH--
EDWARD: Stand back, my love, I will protect you! They can't hurt us--all we ever do in this "saga" is stand around and talk!
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BELLA: --SERIOUSLY, THERE'S NO NEED TO--
ARO: Colossus? Pain him.
EDWARD: You can't do anything to me--I'm the hero! And I'm not just any hero--I'm the dreamiest hero there ever was!
ALICE: EDWARD, NO! THEY MAKE UP ACTION SCENES FOR THE MOVIES--!
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ARO: Colossus? Pain him in the face.
Fifteen Minutes of Hard Surfaces Later
[Colossus pile-drives Edward into several marble fixtures. Judging by the cheers, I'm guessing that this is the part the four guys in my audience came to see.]
ARO: Oh, Colossus, those were my favorite steps. Well, anyway: kill them.
ALICE: No! Wait! I have seen the future, and Bella will become a vampire, which makes everything okay!
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[And then Alice shows Aro a flashforward to Breaking Dawn--I am not making this up--in which Edward goes loping in slo-mo through a magical forest and then Bella runs by all a-sparkle, because apparently Bella getting vampired will send them back in time a hundred years to a world where Edward can finally wear all the beige he wants.]
ARO: SERIOUSLY? Well, I can't wait to see that. You're free to go!
[... unlike the crowd of tourists currently being herded past Bella and the Cullens.]
BELLA: Who's that?
ALICE: ... the food.
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[Run! Run from real vampires doing actual vampiring!]
Casa de Swan
[Bella's grounded for life, but that's okay because Edward's back to lurking in her room and watching her sleep, just the way it used to be. Ah, bliss.]
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BELLA: Do I get to be a vampire now?
EDWARD: No!
BELLA: How about now?
EDWARD: No!
BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?
EDWARD: NO!
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BELLA: BUT HE SAID I GET TO BE ONE NOW!
Emergency Family Meeting, Chez Sparklepire
BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire?
[Jasper's hair is all for Bella being less tasty, and Emmett is stoked to actually get a second line of dialogue, but Rosalie is all WHATEVER BELLA I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GRATEFUL AND ALL THAT YOU SAVED EDWARD'S DUMB ASS BUT I NEVER WANTED TO BE A VAMPIRE SO YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER, AND ALSO: BABIES.]
BELLA: All in favor of me becoming a vampire so I'll shut the hell up?
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THE CULLENS: *unanimous*
POINTLESS LOVE TRIANGLE WHATEVER WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS
EDWARD: Jacob, allow me to express my humble gratitude that you took care of my frail helpless woman after I punked out. P.S. I WIN.
JACOB: YEAH WELL IT SAYS IN THE WEREVAMP TREATY THAT YOU CAN'T BITE HER SO THERE
[And right as they're about to tear away their shirts and have an ab-off, Bella throws herself between the two men she loves! Gasp!]
BELLA: Look, Jacob: Edward is the love of my life, but jerking you around makes me feel good. See you around in the next movie.
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JACOB: Oh--yeah? Well--I'll--I'll go find a better series! A series that deserves a charming, snarky, comparatively normal character like me! A series that will actually give me a fighting chance at getting the girl--ANY girl--a girl who's already been BORN! THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!
BELLA: Really? You will?
JACOB: ... *weresob*
Not, Literally Speaking, The "Climax"
EDWARD: So you really want to be a vampire? You want to live forever? You want to be with me? You want, in living forever, to be forever with me?
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BELLA: HELLO YOU HAVE GRADUATED SCHOOL LIKE FIFTY TIMES IN A ROW I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART
EDWARD: Then I have one condition.
BELLA: ...?
EDWARD: [Pause.]
BELLA: EDWARD, I AM TEN SECONDS OLDER THAN I WAS TEN SECONDS BEFORE, HURRY UP
EDWARD: [Pause. Pause pause pause. Pauuuuuuuse.]
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BELLA: EDWARD, I AM DYING OF OLD AGE HERE, SPIT IT OUT
EDWARD: [Pauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse.] Marry me.
BELLA: ...!
[THE END.]
[Wait, what?]
[You know why this is a cliffhanger? Because Bella's actual reply is that she is too young to get married. TOO YOUNG. TO GET MARRIED. BEFORE SHE DIES. AS A TEENAGER. Fortunately all the fangirl squee covered up the sound of my head exploding.]
BELLA: If I say yes, can we do the sex now?
EDWARD: NO!
Fin.
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