So much for trust
I need to get my unhealthy reaction to the last few hours of BSG off my chest I guess. I apologise for bad spelling mistakes and general incoherence in advance.
I knew I could end up being one of the most crushed people in the fandom. Yes,
bop_radar and many others were absolutely right, the risk and hopes weren't worth it.
If I got my brain anatomized by someone like Scorpius from Farscape and was lying under a scalpel risking to loose many fragments of my memory and had to choose which I’d like to be left untouched and which not, the first thing I’d wish to forget once and for all would be the final two hours of BSG that I was foolish enough to yield to my friend’s persuasion and watch yesterday. If I was a prophet or had some extrasensory abilities to know exactly how this show ends, I’d suggest all the hundreds and maybe thousands of shippers out there to stay away from it like from a plague and never ever watch it. I’d pay money for someone to take back THE images from my head now.
The way I feel right now… I can’t even begin to describe it. It’s very much like Lee who woke up in the field on New-Caprica in that morning sunlight only to be kindly greeted by his father with the news five minutes later. Only it’s worse, there’s no fucked-up yet understandable reasoning behind recent ugliest writing moves. What TPTB did is so unspeakable, so unfathomable, so unforgivably cruel stupid and contemptible that I’m left wondering if it is all just the worst nightmare imaginable and maybe I’ll wake up soon. My heart and stomach are a huge well of… let me tell you, the most magical poison of all time. Wanna know the recipe? It’s a combination of numbness, cutting coldness, resentment, no, scratch that - frustration and helpless hatred, downright RAGE that doesn’t know its way out. I feel shattered to pieces and cheated, used by someone and thrown away in the trash can… and profoundly indescribably hurt. I hate myself for being weak enough to burst into weeping like a wounded animal over something so trivial as a tv-show. “It’s just a damn tv-show!!” - has become my internal mantra I’ve been willing myself to believe in for the last two days. Only it doesn’t work. I cook, I take my dog for a walk, I even read some studying materials, I talk to those people who need to hear me by the phone and whom I naturally don’t have any desire to hear right now, I clean up my apartment - all of it like a zombie.
The natural uncontrollable part of me just wants RDM to pay in whatever form the universe will decide appropriate, wants him to see at least to some extent what he did to the huge part of the audience that is currently experiencing gut wrenching emotions similar to mine. The remnants of a rational me whisper that it doesn’t matter and it won’t change anything though.
In just an episode he ruined one of the most amazing female characters, whose development potential knew no boundaries. Kara Thrace is a fucking fairy, guys… and you can kiss your 40+something bucks goodbye if you bought S4 DVDs (I’m so glad I didn’t!). But the moral and emotional damage is far greater than financial. Turns out Kara just didn’t exist in this season; Lee was obviously raving and his scenes with her, including one of the most beautiful L/K scenes in Six Of One - are no more real than Roslin’s drug-induced visions or prophesies about the dying leader. Why didn’t I pay attention to that deleted scene from S3, the alternative ending, in which she appeared in Lee’s room out of nowhere? At least THIS makes sense now - they didn’t know the whos and whys and what to do with her at all, they were just afraid of the ratings drops or whatever, so they Had to bring her back just to make us watch. What a shame - there’s zero explanation for anything in DB2 - starting from Kara’s resurrection to the third power that’s been manipulating everything behind the scenes. Fuck free will and cylons actions repercussions, fuck the question of genocide and its repercussions because apparently Hera is Eve and we can all start frakking like bunnies and live happily ever after. And Lee with Kara… this is such a deep personal betrayal I’m speechless. Why couldn’t you let us live through her death, grieve with Lee one last time and be done with it, you son of a bitch?! And can someone explain to me why did she even have to die in the first place?! I thought it was all part of her development that was meant to lead her to the next level of healing and emotional trust in relationship. Instead - RDM shitted on his once favorite adorable character.
And you don’t want to get me started about what they did to Lee with his realization of Kara being not exactly Kara but some mythical creature… How did you like him standing in that field left alone, huh? How cruel and ABOMINABLE was to do THAT to him? And how many times now?! I’ve lost count. Oh, and did RDM necessarily have to have Kara-the-phantom leave him right at the moment that the happy smile started radiating from his face as he went on about his drive to explore and some such so we could see his gutted facial expression a sec later?! I feel so sick! My Lee, my dear Lee… it’s a blessing that turned an unprecedented curse to be able to see the world through your eyes.
And the worse part is that the fact pilots parted their ways doesn’t make any sense yet I can’t erase the look on Lee’s face when he turned around from my mind, those deep blue eyes full of pain are stuck forever in my head.
And I won’t say anything ranty about those flashbacks because their message is just sickeningly unacceptable for me. I don’t buy this pigeon thing and ‘setting her free’ or whatever other genius point Moore thought he was going to make. My canon finale is the end of S3: TSAR and Lee during Baltar’s trial. That’s it.
“There are no do-overs, no second chances to make things right if you frak them up the first time” is literally the story of Lee and Kara… Too much hurt and abuse followed them and made them emotionally distrustful, they both made their irreversible mistakes. Their bad cycle hasn’t been fully broken (thanks to RDM) and truthfully neither has the human/Cylon cycle of war and violence.
Jamie and Katee were brilliant as usual, their chemistry is undeniable and one of the greatest tragedies of this show is that TPTB never fully realized what a golden mine they had in their hands, what a unique magic clay to shape natural beauty from. Anyone of us could’ve done a much better writing job and at least give the pilots their due. They deserved much better than THIS > The stupidity of what Moore wrote leaves me speechless.
I’m convinced that such chemistry on screen these two have is a once in a lifetime opportunity for any writer to have to work with. It’s an honor and a privilege as well as huge luck. I’ve seen plenty of other pairings in different shows and nothing even begins to equal Lee and Kara together imo. They’re five-dimensional and the intensity of the connection they share is phenomenal, people! There are no boundaries for these characters' exploration, each step makes way for the next one.
I still feel that Lee’s my favorite male character on tv ever and I take my hat off to Jamie for being able to keep saying positive things about this show. Is it bad luck that all of his characters end up dead or worse - in Lee’s case - emotionally massacred and left all alone?
I keep telling myself that healing just takes time. Deep down I know that one day I’ll be able to sit down and rewatch the first seasons of BSG. But not now. I can’t even look at pilots anymore without heartache too intense to bear! My heart is crushed. My mind still knows that once… BSG was truly brilliant and subtle like no other show - once BSG was the best television and SciFi drama. Maybe someday, in a few months or years I’ll find myself willing to renew the best parts of the journey in my memory. Today my hands and body are shaking when I start thinking about L/K first scenes from the miniseries. Today I’m trying to dissect, to delete most of the music that reminds me too much from my mp3-player, put S1-3 DVDs in the last row on my upper shelf, get some distance and forget what I need to forget.
Oh, and as for my vidding? What can I say… BSG formed me as a vidder, guys, I never wanted to create anything nearly as much as I did in this fandom within the frames of this particular universe. The finale made me feel like all of my work is worth scum. Right now I think I’m done for good.