Two weeks. (S/A)
It's sixteen degrees outside and Ryan can't feel his legs anymore. He's walking up to Wawa, the local convince store. Ryan's trying to forget, trying to forget that he has been on the verge of tears for the past two weeks, but he just cannot cry. So he keeps walking. He sighs heavily as he passes his ex boyfriends, boyfriends house. He tries so hard not to think that his ex is in there, happy, warm and in love. Ryan fails so epically.
Ryan turns his head because he keeps feeling like someone is following him, it may be because his iPod is on full volume and just gets the feeling. He sees that his footprints are already covered by the snow, Ryan hasn't noticed it's snowing heavily outside. He shakes his head and keeps on walking. His fingers are shaking from the numbness because the lack of fingers on his gloves, but that's what Ryan gets for trying to be fashionable. The only thing Ryan does think is good is that scarves are in and he owns twenty.
He arrives at Wawa not more then five minutes after he left and he begins brushing the snow off of him before he goes in. The snow is off and he walks to the refrigerator area and pulls out a very large Red Bull. He begins to walk toward the coffee area so he can get a cup for his mom and he knocks into someone. Ryan mouths `fuck' and he wants to crawl into a hole, and then get buried alive because his luck would have it that his ex and his boyfriend are there.
Ryan pauses his iPod and just looks at Brendon and can't help but get more depressed because he sees what he has lost. They are all still staring at each other. Brendon is looking Ryan over. Ryan was wearing some black skinny jeans with rips at the knees, his green hoodie was too small and Ryan's stomach was showing a little. The scarf Ryan had on was black, with white skulls on it; it almost matched Ryan's black fingerless gloves. The only piece of clothing, or accessory Ryan was wearing that could be considered normal was white glasses that looked girlish. Ryan didn't feel so normal anymore.
Brendon looked like a god to Ryan, though. He was also in black skinny jeans but was lacking the rips. His red hoodie actually fit him and the beanie he wore looked adorable on him. His red glasses looked normal, and so did his black gloves that actually had fingers. All in all, Brendon was gorgeous as always.
Ryan didn't even notice the boyfriend, whose name he knew was Shane, and was pretty sure he didn't want to. He would just compare himself to him. So he still stared at Brendon and it was getting awkward. So Ryan made a sad, pathetic excuse of a wave, mumbled a hello, and rushed off to make his mom's coffee.
Ryan was able to hear Shane asking Brendon who that was and Brendon mumbling ex-boyfriend. He turned his iPod back on and tried to forget that he just saw Brendon after he has been trying so hard to forget him. It was bad enough Ryan had to see him during school. When Ryan saw Brendon in the morning walking to second period it wasn't bad, it was the walk to third period that Brendon always tried to make eye contact with Ryan. It was horrible but, Ryan can never bring himself to look Brendon in the eye.
The coffee was finished and he was walking up the register, so he turned his iPod off so he could hear the lady talk. It was the normal Hi, how are you? She always asked but with Brendon and Shane right behind Ryan, he just squeaked out an okay, paid, and booked it out of there really fast.
It was still snowing pretty hard and Ryan was not looking forward to his walk home. All he could do was think BrendonandShane, BrendonandShane. Ryan remembers a time when it used to be BrendonandRyan. That's when life made sense. It was a time when Ryan could look forward to school and be able to see his boyfriend that he loved. It may not have lasted long between them, but both of them fell in love with each other. It was a damn shame that Ryan never fell out of love.
He never turned his iPod back on so he heard the voices behind him, and of course Ryan being curious just had to look behind him. Brendon and Shane were close behind hands interlaced, laughing. Ryan wanted to cry. He took a deep breath and kept walking, he was about to turn the iPod back on to the deafening volumes but the voice was heard.
``Hey Ryan, hold up.''
Ryan stopped in his tracks and waited. Every single memory he had of Brendon ran through his head. The first time Ryan knew he liked Brendon. The first time Ryan told Brendon he was bisexual, Halloween when Ryan, Brendon and a few friends held a sayonce and when everyone had to hold hands, Ryan and Brendon's were the only ones that were tangled together. The first kiss in Brendon's best friends bedroom. The first time Ryan said I love you and heard it returned. Ryan was shaking by the time Brendon and Shane caught up. Ryan was hoping he could just tell them he was shaking from the
cold. Ryan could still feel the tears wanting to fall.
``Ryan this is Shane, Shane this is Ryan,'' Brendon said, the smile illuminating his face.
``Hey man, sup?'' Shane said.
Ryan bit his bottom lip like he always did when he was nervous and knew Brendon picked up on it immediately, ``N-nothing, just g-going home.''
``Well, obviously we're going back to Shane's. We were thinking, do you want to come hang out with us?'' Brendon asked me.
``N-no thank you. I have got to get this coffee to my mom,'' that was probably the stupidest thing Ryan has ever said.
``You sure,'' Shane said looking at Brendon, ``It's really no big deal.''
Ryan nodded his head no, ``It is really okay, I don't think it is a good idea anyway.''
With that Ryan turned on his heel and started walking away. His hand went into his pocket and pressed play on the iPod and conveniently enough, Fall out Boy's, Thanks for the Memories blasted into his ear. Ryan couldn't think of a time when luck had hated him so much. All Ryan wanted to do was cry.
Ryan walked into his house, and into the room he shared on the weekend with his mom and little brother and handed his mom the coffee. He quickly started peeling off the scarf and gloves, not wanting to be anymore cold then he already was. Ryan was standing there in the small confined space that was called their room looking at his mom. She had that look in her eye, Ryan knew the look well because he had a very good relationship with his mother. She knew something was wrong.
``Ry. Are you okay?'' She knew very well he wasn't, but wanted Ryan to tell.
``Well to end this perfect night, guess whom I ran into?'' Ryan asked her.
``Brendon?'' She asked back.
``OF COURSE! And to make it even better his boyfriend was with him. I was a complete fool mom, it was horrible. It was supposed to be a nice walk to get my minds off of things, but NO! He ruins it,'' Ryan shouts.
``I never liked that boy. I know you hate when I talk about him, but I really do just want to bash his face in. He causes you so much pain.''
``Oh Mom, ugh just stop. Look let's just watch TV and maybe I'll feel better,'' I say.
Ryan's mom eventually agrees and drops the subject. They settle on watching Desperate housewives and Brothers and Sisters. Ryan didn't really understand the plot, but got into it nonetheless.
When the news came on Ryan started dressing again telling his mom he was going out for another walk. His mom stared after him sadly. Ryan got outside and instantly started walking in the opposite direction of Shane's house.
It was still snowing like mad, but Ryan didn't care. He once again came outside to forget. He had to forget somehow; it was the only way he knew how... by remembering. Ryan remembers a lot from the post break-up. How two months after breaking up, they were so close to getting back together, but Ryan was so scared of hurting Brendon again. The more recent memory Ryan needs to forget was the one where Brendon told him that he still misses him and loves him still. That one is the hardest to forget and is always nagging Ryan.
It was a month ago, right after Christmas. December 28th 2008. It was odd on how the day Ryan needed to go to Library that Brendon needed to as well. Ryan was seated in the back of the library with his laptop set up and books spread out in front of him. He had been neglecting a report given to him over break and needed to do some catching up.
He was hard at work when the chair across from him was pulled back and a body was seated there. He sighed deeply and looked up at Brendon, not meeting his eyes. Ryan didn't know why Brendon was sitting there, but he was sitting there and it was distracting to Ryan.
``Ryan can we please talk?'' Brendon asked.
``I'm kind of working,'' Ryan says.
``Please?'' The look he gives Ryan is enough to break his heart all over again, so he agrees.
``Okay, talk.''
``I miss you,'' he says bluntly.
Ryan groaned in frustration, ``Please don't do this Brendon.''
``Do what?'' he asks.
``You know how I feel. You know I still love you.''
``Why don't you talk to me?'' he asks.
Ryan looked down at his laptop and wishes it could zap him away. ``Because.''
``Ryan, why don't you talk to me? You were my best friend. I really miss my best friend,'' he says and I take the chance to look at him and he is playing with his hands.
``I miss my best friend too,'' Ryan mumbles.
``Then why don't you talk to me?''
``Because all I want to do is kiss you.''
``Then why don't you?'' he asks.
``Because you are with him,'' Ryan says
``Then why didn't you when we hung out those two times before you had your soccer games?'' He asked.
``I was scared.''
``What's different now?''
``I'm not scared anymore.''
``Then kiss me.''
``I can't. I won't be that person,'' Ryan says and begins to pack up his stuff
Brendon already was standing, ``What person?''
``I want to kiss you Brendon, but you're with him, that's cheating.''
``I still love you Ryan.''
Ryan regrets that he never told Brendon that he still loves him too. Ryan regrets many things, most include things with Brendon. There was never something that captivated Ryan's life the way Brendon did. Ryan wishes sometimes that he never met Brendon.
The snow subsided a little, and Ryan decided to lie down in the middle of the road and stare at the falling precipitation. Ryan thinks about all the things he should have said to Brendon. Mostly he thinks about how he wants to be with Brendon again. The BrendonandRyan thing.
Ryan hears the soft crunch of footsteps on the fallen snow, and thinks it's some passerby making sure he isn't dead. Ryan leans up on his elbows and once again wishes he never did. Brendon is the one standing off on the sidewalk looking at him.
Brendon keeps staring at him, and finally Ryan sighs and lays his head back on the asphalt that is covered with a soft white powder. He hears the crunch of footsteps again and then there is a body laying down next to him. It's silent and neither one of them are talking. Ryan is nervous and can't understand why Brendon is out here in the freezing weather laying down next to him.
``Fuck, Ryan I miss you,'' Brendon finally says.
Ryan can't think straight. ``You have S-Shane.''
``Yeah I do and he's great Ry, but he's just not you.''
``Then you should have given me more time.'' Ryan says.
Brendon snorts, ``You're so right. If I would have given you that day. If I hadn't been selfish and asked Shane out that day, that fucking day, we would be together wouldn't we?''
``Yes.''
``I love Shane, but I'm not in love with him like I am with you.''
``That doesn't change anything.'' Ryan tells him.
``No it doesn't. I wish it did.''
``Break up with him.'' Ryan suggests and it seems logical.
``I just can't. He is a big part of my life, but then again, so are you and you're not even in it so much.''
Ryan sighs, ``Why did you come out here?''
``I knew you would be here.''
``What were you expecting?'' Ryan asked him.
``Just this. You're being honest with me for once, I enjoy that. I wish it was always like this. That was our biggest problem, your honesty, but I see that's fixed.''
Ryan cannot take it anymore. His head is spinning and he just wants Brendon to leave, but he knows that's not true. He wants Brendon... he wants him bad. Ryan stands up abruptly and Brendon follows quickly afterwards. Ryan is so close to breaking, so close to the tears.
``I'm so sorry Brendon.
``For wha. . .'' Brendon begins but is cut off.
Ryan kissed Brendon hard. His lips were mashed up against Brendon's and it took a second for Brendon to realize what was happening, but when he did, he kissed back just as hard. Ryan's hands went up to Brendon's cheek, and his other hand rested on the small of his back. Brendon's hand was tangled in Ryan's hair and the other behind his neck pushing their mouths together even more.
Ryan licked Brendon's bottom lip with his tongue and Brendon gasped into Ryan's mouth, then Ryan slipped his tongue in. When their tongues connected, it was like fireworks. Ryan's moved his hand from Brendon's cheek to his neck, and Brendon just kept running his hand up and down Ryan's arms.
After several minutes, Ryan parted their lips and just moved his head a little. Brendon was panting, and had a smile on his face. Ryan couldn't hide his own, but soon was consumed with thoughts about this being a one time thing, and it would never happen again.
Brendon seemed to catch on and pecked Ryan gently. Ryan shook his head and stepped further back, there was a good three feet between them now. Brendon looked hurt, but understanding. Ryan couldn't control all the emotions running through his head. It was heartbreaking.
``I love you Brendon.'' Ryan said.
``I love you too, Ryan.'' Brendon told Ryan back.
Ryan sighed and walked away before he kissed Brendon again. It stopped snowing sometime during the kiss, Ryan missed it. He looked back and saw Brendon standing there wiping tears from his face. After two weeks of being on the verge of tears, Ryan finally cried.
I didn't write this. One of my close friends I have met online, Nichole wrote this. She doesn't have a livejournal, so she asked me to post this. This was basically her story about what happened with her ex. It's quite a heartbreaking story T_T.