(Untitled)

[machina_sonata]

We tried to wake him again
Just like the three times we had before
Wondering
If there was anything
Left inside his head
Sometimes you try despite the risk
Sometimes you try because of it

And when he awoke
He spoke those words like he did every time

"I could show you every hope I've ever had
And the moment where I let it go"

Comments

Overanalysis!

[justbobdanish]

So, maybe this could have more to it. Was three times chosen randomly or was there some significance to that number? The Wondering one-liner doesn't feel right to me, but that could be my distaste for anything that feels stream of conscious-y coming through. The lack of description for "when he awoke" feels to open ended to me, is waking like a physical thing or a mental thing in this? It seems mental, but it isn't clear enough I think. The numbers of "every hope" and the "moment where I let it go" seem to conflict, thought it may just be capitalization making the conjunction feel janky.

Love the theme, plot, and mood though.

Re: Overanalysis!

[machina_sonata]

Wondering rhymes with anything....

And it can be interpreted as both mental and physical - awaking from the false sleep of sedation or otherwise.

And three is just the best number out there.

I think I see your point though. You should probably hear it read for you to get the feel right. Come to Terpoets!