This strikes me as somehow unfinished -- though, given the content here, I imagine that might be on purpose.
Your imagery enables the reader to feel very present in the poem, as always -- given your content, it lends a dreamy cast to the work that is very entirely appropriate to the idea of the poem. I wonder about rhythm, though -- maybe you could make it flow like a dance by alternating the feel of the syllables, like so:
The music plays by sunset: The garden glows in burning red. I touch your hand, you pull me away, We lose ourselves in the evening that never ends. I saw you there, and I've found you again.
I woke in the garden once more. Try as I may, I cannot leave you. What pulls me back? I cannot open my eyes. Is every night a dance I (we?)cannot complete?
Please love, pull me away. I long to see morning once more.Mind, this is only a suggestion for line breaks and the barest word changes. It's only that I picture the dance as a waltz, and so I attempted to create the echo of it in the rhythm and line breaks of the
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Your imagery enables the reader to feel very present in the poem, as always -- given your content, it lends a dreamy cast to the work that is very entirely appropriate to the idea of the poem. I wonder about rhythm, though -- maybe you could make it flow like a dance by alternating the feel of the syllables, like so:
The music plays by sunset:
The garden glows in burning red.
I touch your hand, you pull me away,
We lose ourselves
in the evening that never ends.
I saw you there,
and I've found you again.
I woke in the garden once more.
Try as I may, I cannot leave you.
What pulls me back? I cannot open my eyes.
Is every night
a dance I (we?)cannot complete?
Please love, pull me away.
I long to see morning once more.Mind, this is only a suggestion for line breaks and the barest word changes. It's only that I picture the dance as a waltz, and so I attempted to create the echo of it in the rhythm and line breaks of the ( ... )
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