Hrmm.
I am not a person that deals well with drama. I have a terrible habit of getting in my car and leaving, going home and eating popcorn.
I've left the drama phase of my life. Twice. Got in my car, drove away, went home, ate popcorn. I can see other people I speak to/know/are friends with that are still in that phase.
I'm glad I just bought popcorn. That shit isn't going to eat itself...
There are friends I have that are having real problems, real issues, real sadness and despair. I would never drive away from these people. I might even let them have some popcorn (after I measured it because I'm tracking my calories).
But lately my internet has become a forum for ranting. A place to hear yourself speak. A place where you can be anonymously cruel to other people. Kinda makes me want to turn off the electronics and make popcorn.
I've been cleaning a lot lately. It's strange to me just how much cleaning I can do and still feel that there is much left undone. Maybe it's all starting to seem pointless. That feeling fades, tho, during the act of cleaning. There is something very therapeutic and simple about sweeping. And you never know how much dirt, dust, small broken pieces of toys, money, fuzzballs, macaroni, or receipts make their way to the floor until you get it into a pile.
It's like all the crap in your life consolidated into one place where you can pick it up and toss it.
I mowed the lawn the other day. I find that when I do that, people will look at me. Drive by slowly. Is it odd to see females mowing the yard? I'm not doing it in anything eye-catching, let's be clear. Even with my weightloss, I still know that safety comes first. I've never been one for eye-catching dailywear or lawnmowingwear anyhow.
Do they want to ask me if I'll mow their lawn for a fee? :) (Mexican joke, for those of you who didn't catch that, mmkay.)
I've been cooking a lot too. That I am getting a little tired of. Maybe I'm just tired. 180+ days (that's 6 mos, you guys) I've been keeping track of everything I'm eating, and it makes food get really annoying after a while. I can see where people lose motivation and get frustrated.
I'm not doing either, but I can see where they're coming from. Me, I want to get to the finish line so I can run my victory laps. 20 more lbs.
It's strange to be 150 lbs, (ok, 149.8, whatever) because this used to be my goal weight. For years I would say, Oh, I just want to be 150 because I want to keep my curves. Bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on me. I wanted to be 150 because I didn't think I could make it past 150.
BESIDES, what I considered my curves left on a jet plane around 160. I have a very slender bone structure and a medium-small frame. 150 is still over weight. Literally for my weight I have 5 more lbs to lose until I'm in the normal BMI range. Then I'm going to lose another 15 just because I can.
Put me in the middle of that range. Is 130 a magical number? Naw. I just think with my smallness (that I didn't even know I had before) that it's a good place for me to be. I'm excited to see what it's going to be like.
A few changes I've already noticed...
My rings. My wedding ring is fitting on the ring fingers of both hands, which is strange because my right hand is 1/2 size bigger, maybe even a whole size, which means that soon I'll have to switch hands again on that ring and get something else to wear on my left hand. The engagement ring left my hands and has been on a chain around my neck for a while now.
My shoes are bigger? This one is weird. I think I've lost about 1/4 shoe size. That doesn't mean that I'm getting rid of any shoes, gurl please. Just means that I can wear fluffier socks.
Clothes-size had changed dramatically. I might be a size 12 now. Honestly I'm not sure. I'm still wearing the jeans I wore back in my skinny Jenny Craig days (1999, you guys) and those are starting to get really comfy. The thirteens I'm wearing right now are looser. The odd thing about my shape is that I still have a larger belly, so my clothes have to fit there and be looser everywhere else or snug in the middle.
Time for more hula hooping. My middle has always been a problem area, I'm not very hourglassy. I'm more like an apple, and more so after having my son. No big deal, there are exercises for that.
I did however, go recently to buy a dress for a Valentine's Day dance, and this was an interesting experience. Turns out that I AM a 12 in DRESSES. The odd thing, the really really really odd thing, was finding something on the rack in a 14 that was super cute, but alas, too big.
TOO BIG?! Yes, ma'am. So weird. I tried on 16 dresses and I picked two that I liked. Two. How many times have I gone through stacks of clothes in the dressing room and not found one thing that I like on my body?? Now I have two new dresses that are very cute and comfortable. And I found other things that I liked that were juuuuuust a bit too snug. I wonder if I go back in a few weeks if they'll still be there and fit.
I shop at the Goodwill, so you never know.
So yes, 20 more lbs, I can see where the weight needs to come off and all that jazz, but let me tell you about the strangest thing that happened the other day. Someone, who is currently on her own weightloss plan, actually told me she would be so happy just to have my body. I'm sorry, MY body?
Two pieces to that: a) REALLY? and b) ok, I can, oddly, actually see where you're coming from, if, in fact, I truly am "normal-sized". Am I? Have I entered the realm of what is considered "normal"?
I don't know... what normal is... but I feel more and more like I don't stick out like a sore thumb. That was the feeling I had, as if when people saw me the first thought in their minds was that I was a big girl, and everything else came second. I feel I am finally starting to rewrite my own first impression, and I like that idea.
You know how I said I was going to hold off on really working out like I used to until my daily suggested calories got low and I needed a secret weapon/bigger guns/some uumph? Yeah, I'm thinking I'm there. [insert lazy sigh right here]
At least I know my endurance is better now. I might even be able to run, but I don't plan on trying that. I have a few ideas. That is another change I've noticed, tho, I'm lighter on my feet. I can move more without getting tired, winded, starting to hurt, it's nice. I can take the stairs easier.
I'm displacing less water in the bathtub.
I can cross my legs easier.
The other day I kept looking at myself in the mirror because I looked strange and I couldn't figure out why. Finally I just thought that I must be tired or something. I didn't recognize myself. Then it hit me that my double chin was nearly gone and my usual pear-shaped face was also gone. I never knew that my cheek bones were wider than my jaw.
I never knew what my jaw bone looked like. Apparently this is what I really look like under that weight. And it's still changing.
One bizarre change is one I refer to as the Princess and the Pea Effect. Do you all remember the story of the princess and the pea? 20 mattresses and 20 feather beds or something like that and she could still feel the pea underneath them all because of her super sensitive princess skin?
Ok, well first of all I'm finding that I'm bruising easier than I ever have. I used to joke around with Andy that it was a shame he wasn't physically abusive because I don't bruise. Well now I do. Missed our chance at being dysfunctional! (It's ok, there are other ways.)
But also, I keep feeling like I'm sleeping on pieces of plastic, or paper, or that someone left a crayon in my bed. I'll feel like something is poking me in my side or my back and I'll go look, but nothing is ever there. It's just a wrinkle in the bedsheets. Feels like a lego. So I have to smooth out my sheets and not lay on a piece of the comforter or a corner of another pillow, because it hurts. Hurts my skin. I understand having less padding, but this is so strange.
My dream bed used to be one that is covered in fluffy blankets and silk scarves and tons of pillows to me to flop in and sink. Now I'm thinking that may just end up irritating. I need one soft smooth sheet to lay on and one on top that is not going to find it's way wedged under me, and one good pillow. So much for my dream bed.
And I had to get a new bra. Every 15-20 lbs I've been resizing and buying one or two to carry me through to the next size. I'm not 100% sure that this one is fitting perfectly, but it's not uncomfortable, so I'm going to stick with it, at least until I hit 140, then maybe I'll get another size. I broke down and went to one of those fancy places where they fit you and I came up as a 34F. I think I might be closer to a 34G, but again, I'm going to be losing more size in the coming weeks, so no big deal.
Ever since I realized that I was drastically wearing the wrong bra size, I have not been shy about speaking about my size. Not because it's larger than I thought, no, it's not even that big, 34F is actually QUITE average. I talk about it because I think women need to be kinder to their bodies and body image. Women need to wear clothes that fit properly. Women need to know what size they are the not be ashamed of it.
Size is just size. It won't tell you how pretty you are or how smart you are or how kind you are. If we wear clothes that fit us properly and revere our bodies with pride, then we shine and we can comfortably exist and be beautiful at any size.
Health is a different story. I'm comfortable at my current size. I don't think I'm as healthy as I could be, but the 20 extra lbs I'd like to lose cannot make me unpretty. My pretty is under the surface. My pretty goes far deeper than skin and flesh and bone.
If I had a daughter I would make sure she pays careful attention to and respects her body, whatever its size. Size, and certainly bra size, are not taboo, or vulgar, or dirty, or sexual. There should be no shame in measuring yourself. And if she develops early, late, never, bigger than every other girl in her age group, then so be it. I want her to not be frustrated with her physical form, and understand that size and form are but numbers and shapes and they do not define us.
Our worth is not based on our appearance. Our worth is based on our character.
It's funny. I'll talk about weightloss stuff here, with my good friends, and a little on MFP, but largely, I don't speak much about it in public. I've had a few people ask me if I've lost weight, and that's cool. And when we had the family over for the boy's birthday, my father noticed, so I must really be making some progress. I'm just always scared to make people feel bad by throwing it around or making a big deal about it.
Because I remember being on the other side of that conversation and always feeling trapped and hopeless about my weight. It's a super sad feeling, and a bitter one, and it's not one that I want others to have, certainly not because of something I said or did.
So if I've made you feel yucky by all this, that wasn't my intention. And if you want to change your life and you need support, I'm here.
Because I'm cleaning house. I'm dropping junk. I'm clearing the clutter. I'm shedding the drama. I'm melting away the fat. Letting it drip down the drain.
(Actually I've been wondering what on earth happens to the fat I'm losing... I mean literally... it gets converted to something and then something with the something? I feel like a dumbass not knowing this, I did take biochem.)
No more lying. I don't want any more of it. The truth will set you free. It's time to wash things clean. Andy and I have collectively decided that we're through with liars. THA-ROO. That's not the kind of values we want in our lives and near our family.
I feel this is not asking too much, damnit. We're bleeding heart liberals. We're down with lots of crazy shit that most people would find unfit and non-traditional and uncouth and dirty. If you're not hurting anyone and it's done in good spirit and with everyone's feelings and psyches accounted for, then we call no foul.
But lying isn't on that list. You're hurting someone when you lie. Period.
I have wiped my slate of lies. I know how bitter the truth can taste in your mouth. If you can't stomach the truth then it's best spit out.
Let me encourage you to shed the unnecessary weight from your life that is making you unhealthy, whatever that may be. I can say from experience that you will breathe much easier. You will also see yourself better. Separate yourself from what is dragging you down.
Free yourself to be the best you that you can be. For me, this is the year I'm finally getting to know myself.
And the only way that happened was by letting go of myself. Every day it gets better.
I'm due for a photo update, speaking of truth, and I'll get that up as soon as I feel sparkly. In the meantime, I hope you're having an amazing February. Mine has been stellar.
:)