Processing
The following is my brain trying to figure out how I feel about letting someone back into my life.
We had a room mate last year that was a little more than a room mate to me. Although we were never physical, he was the first man that I discovered that my concept of love was not gender specific. Quite honestly, he was the first man I really loved. It was never intended that he be a full time room mate. We were helping him out between places (he has a notorious reputation for burning through land lords and room mates...but I'm getting ahead of myself) and then we moved into a bigger place and his added rent was a big help in getting over the 1st/last/deposit.
About a year ago, we all mutually decided it was time for him to find his own place and he began moving out. When he left, he owned us some money for the last month he lived with us. I would have blown it off except that I needed to get the brakes done and I really do live pay check to pay check so I sent him an email. I thought I was polite and civil in asking him for the money he owed us.
The response I got back was so filled with toxin and venom (and yes, I know how closely related those two words are thank you) that I was shocked. I didn't even read the entire thing because I got the message by the third time "fuck you" was used in the first paragraph. Really, there's no misunderstanding statements like "you're dead to me" and "needless to say, you are not welcome in my space".
I was crushed. It took me no less than three months before I wasn't thinking about him every day. It started with "what do I do wrong?" I reviewed every conversation and interaction we had to see if I had done those things he swore I'd done. Finding that I had, in fact, been a pretty good friend and host, I came to realize that as long as I had known him, he had never EVER left a living situation without some kind of drama. I saw the pattern. From there I moved on to "good riddance" and left it at that.
Occasionally I would have a moment of self righteous indulgence and play out scenes in my head where I would tell him how I felt. How I felt would change from time to time but it didn't really matter since I was fairly certain that I'd never get a chance to actually see him face to face again.
Through this, my wife remained friends with him with my blessing. They were friends before I met her and the problem was in the relationship between him and me not between him and my wife. I made sure I had other places to be if he was coming over and never held it against my wife for continuing to see him.
A year has passed now. From time to time I'll be chatting with my wife on the phone while I'm out and he's over and I'll hear him say "tell him I said hi". My wife tells me that he's mentioned the probability that he'd over reacted. Last night he was talking on the phone with my wife and she said "Ok, I'll tell him and let him decide". She then tells me that he says it's ok for me to come with her to pick something up and that he doesn't hate me and that he's over his snit.
And here's where the processing comes in.
First off, am I over my snit? I haven't given it much real thought because of the improbability that we would ever see each other again. Some of my friends support the position that I am justified in my desire to be unforgiving, others remind me that we did love each other and that I am a good man with a loving and forgiving nature. I want to be forgiving but at the same time I do not want to expose myself to that kind of pain again.
Secondly, am I justified in thinking that if he wants to rebuild bridges then he should talk to me? I understand the desire to use an intermediary when trying to reestablish contact. He may be embarrassed about his actions or he may be afraid of my reaction if he contacted me directly. Still, I feel that there is at least one conversation that needs to happen before I even know how I want to proceed and that can't happen with my wife relaying messages and, out of respect for my wife, I don't want it to happen with her in attendance and feeling like she's in the middle or forced to choose sides.
Lastly, if I do want him to contact me directly, do I tell my wife to pass that message along? I hate putting people in the middle of my drama but how else will he know what I expect?
Ok, enough processing on page, now to put some brain and heart into it.
We had a room mate last year that was a little more than a room mate to me. Although we were never physical, he was the first man that I discovered that my concept of love was not gender specific. Quite honestly, he was the first man I really loved. It was never intended that he be a full time room mate. We were helping him out between places (he has a notorious reputation for burning through land lords and room mates...but I'm getting ahead of myself) and then we moved into a bigger place and his added rent was a big help in getting over the 1st/last/deposit.
About a year ago, we all mutually decided it was time for him to find his own place and he began moving out. When he left, he owned us some money for the last month he lived with us. I would have blown it off except that I needed to get the brakes done and I really do live pay check to pay check so I sent him an email. I thought I was polite and civil in asking him for the money he owed us.
The response I got back was so filled with toxin and venom (and yes, I know how closely related those two words are thank you) that I was shocked. I didn't even read the entire thing because I got the message by the third time "fuck you" was used in the first paragraph. Really, there's no misunderstanding statements like "you're dead to me" and "needless to say, you are not welcome in my space".
I was crushed. It took me no less than three months before I wasn't thinking about him every day. It started with "what do I do wrong?" I reviewed every conversation and interaction we had to see if I had done those things he swore I'd done. Finding that I had, in fact, been a pretty good friend and host, I came to realize that as long as I had known him, he had never EVER left a living situation without some kind of drama. I saw the pattern. From there I moved on to "good riddance" and left it at that.
Occasionally I would have a moment of self righteous indulgence and play out scenes in my head where I would tell him how I felt. How I felt would change from time to time but it didn't really matter since I was fairly certain that I'd never get a chance to actually see him face to face again.
Through this, my wife remained friends with him with my blessing. They were friends before I met her and the problem was in the relationship between him and me not between him and my wife. I made sure I had other places to be if he was coming over and never held it against my wife for continuing to see him.
A year has passed now. From time to time I'll be chatting with my wife on the phone while I'm out and he's over and I'll hear him say "tell him I said hi". My wife tells me that he's mentioned the probability that he'd over reacted. Last night he was talking on the phone with my wife and she said "Ok, I'll tell him and let him decide". She then tells me that he says it's ok for me to come with her to pick something up and that he doesn't hate me and that he's over his snit.
And here's where the processing comes in.
First off, am I over my snit? I haven't given it much real thought because of the improbability that we would ever see each other again. Some of my friends support the position that I am justified in my desire to be unforgiving, others remind me that we did love each other and that I am a good man with a loving and forgiving nature. I want to be forgiving but at the same time I do not want to expose myself to that kind of pain again.
Secondly, am I justified in thinking that if he wants to rebuild bridges then he should talk to me? I understand the desire to use an intermediary when trying to reestablish contact. He may be embarrassed about his actions or he may be afraid of my reaction if he contacted me directly. Still, I feel that there is at least one conversation that needs to happen before I even know how I want to proceed and that can't happen with my wife relaying messages and, out of respect for my wife, I don't want it to happen with her in attendance and feeling like she's in the middle or forced to choose sides.
Lastly, if I do want him to contact me directly, do I tell my wife to pass that message along? I hate putting people in the middle of my drama but how else will he know what I expect?
Ok, enough processing on page, now to put some brain and heart into it.