Restless
I’ve been restless the last week.
Maybe two. I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Then I read an article about a woman whose mom died of cancer earlier this year. And a letter she wrote to her daughter. And the fact that 2020 will be a year she never sees.
Mom won’t see 2020. She barely saw 2019.
There are moments of happiness. New shoes. A new outfit. Lunch with Cate, Allison, and Jessica. But that’s all they are. Moments. There is nothing in the background. No contentment. That’s what I realize a had. A surety. Their love. Their belief in me. And I know it’s still there. But I can’t touch it. I can’t see it.
And without it I don’t know which way to go. I feel lost. Unmoored. Without a foundation. And I know I shouldn’t. I should know what makes me happy. What I am good at and want to do. But it feels like o don’t.
And it feels like they are slipping away more and more each day. It’s just further and further from when I had them last.
It’s two weeks from that fateful Sunday. I left early to get away. Have some time. I don’t even remember what I told her. But I went to Gap. Bought a shirt and jeans. Then I drove to the restaurant, parked the car, and cried. And told myself to stop crying. It wouldn’t do any good. I thought I would be okay. But as soon as I walked in I started crying again. I said, ‘I don’t know how much longer she’s going to make it.’ We came up with a plan. How Carrie would look after her and I would come home every month. Carrie, Stacy, and Mrs Kane all came to see her. She managed a 10 minute conversation, where she mainly listened. She didn’t make it upstairs to sleep that night.
I am racked with guilt. I could have done more. I should have stayed at home each time I went out with Jessica. I could have gotten her into hospice. I didn’t listen to her. I was only thinking of myself. How I could make it back here. Maybe that’s why I don’t know I can be here anymore.
I have a to list half a page long. More if I really think about what needs to be done. I wish I could take tomorrow and Tuesday off. Get shit done. But Kate starts tomorrow. I can’t just not be at work.
This year sucked. And I don’t want to start a new one without them. I wish I was better at taking to them. I have a feeling there is a little disappointment brewing as they watch over me. I haven’t done what I have needed to. I thought I handled things well, but not really.
I can’t look back on our time together with anything other than love and fondness. We are a great family. We had fun together. We loved each other. We supported each other.
But it’s hard being the only one left. It’s hard not knowing how to carry on. How to keep going. How to live with just the memories and photos. Snatches of conversations in my head. All of that will jade with time. And I am terrified that I will lose them again.
I have a list of resolutions a mile long. I should include writing down memories as one. Maybe that’s the way to keep them with me always.