Just took a twenty minute cat nap; dreamed that Max bashfully introduced me to his boyfriend. As if I'd be happy for him. I woke up fake crying. This dream may have something to do with the fact that he is currently dressed in head-to-toe purple, to be iodine. Well, not really head-to-toe, because last night I pointed out to him that his 'purple' ( Read more... )

It was getting ridiculous. We couldn't sleep in the same bed anymore. I knew we needed a divorce. All night we would be woken up by the other, by their sleep noises or by our grudges, and lie awake quietly hating the other. We were only together because we both tended to be nostalgic, and because we both loved the horse. I had looked at old ( Read more... )

From now on, I want this to be my dream journal (for the most part, I can't promise I won't relapse), because I think I bore people when I tell them about my dreams over and over, but I need to record or repeat them somehow. They nag me otherwise, I can't get free of them until I've passed them on. I don't care if anyone ever reads them, it's ( Read more... )

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish,

It's all I ever 'do.' I don't actually 'do' anything.

Also, it's only been a week since fall break ?!? (mild despair)

For years catching my face in the mirror was a shock. I had this mental image of how I looked, and the mirror would throw me off so much. My face was supposed to be thinner, my eyebrows more arched, my skin clearer, my eyelashes longer, my lips larger.... It doesn't surprise me anymore. I kind of look like me now. Which isn't to say that my face ( Read more... )

I think this is real. I can't ignore it anymore. I'm scared.

So many trains tonight. I want to pack a bag, buy a ticket, sink into a questionably upholstered seat and cool my forehead against the smudged glass. Indulge in a reflective trip without any real destination, but maybe along the way I'd find an answer to all this wondering. Or maybe I'd just leave another sad smudge on a sad window and regret ( Read more... )

The other day I decided to start wearing eye liner more frequently. That night Max and I were cuddling, he was looking into my eyes adoringly, and then he said,
'Your eyelashes are looking fuller than usual, have less been falling out lately?'

I miss being in the habit of writing for myself. I think I have lost touch with my creative side because of my fear of not being creative enough. I fear apathy, but I feel more contaminated every day ( Read more... )

I'm twenty years old, not out of college yet, and already I'm infected, infected with the fear of growing old alone and having a poorly-attended funeral with no one crying and no one with my eyes or hands or memories to put me in the ground or scatter me in the wind, no one to wish me well in the blind oblivion ( Read more... )