Piece II : Filthy Swine
It was a lovely sunday morning. The birds were chirping, and the sun was out. Well, as much as it comes out anyway. I got up, showered, shaved, brushed my teeth and hair. Got dressed, and ventured out into the kitchen to fix up something to eat.
Fuck. There's no eggs.
I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing deeply. There was no use in getting angry over eggs. Or the lack thereof. Even when I loved them so much. So I settled on biting down on a day-old scone. It was so dry it took three glasses of water to swallow it comfortably. Needless to say, that didn't help lift my mood. On top of that, some idiots were knocking at the door. It's not so hard to press a button.
"Hello, Chri-"
"Fuck off! I got here first!"
"Yeah? Well, too bad-get your hands off me-"
"Not until you get away from him. What kind of idiot just stands there and says, "Hello, Chris!" with a smile?! You're such a runt!"
"Fuck you! You're just jealous because you're not small and cute like I am! Therefore, you're at a disadvantage-Owww!"
"For fuck's sake, both of you shut up, and come in already before they start giving us dirty looks!"
Why on earth would Matt and Dom come at this hour? Why did they even come to visit in the first place? It's not like I needed another thing to ruin my already shitty morning.
"STOP POKING MY RIBS ALREADY!"
Dom took the twig he was poking Matt with, broke it in half, and used one of the pointy, bristled ends to further molest him. Matt jumped up and down like a child throwing a tantrum.
"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!!"
Dom pushed him over a chair and began to poke him down his spine with it, stopping right above his bum.
"You should be glad I'm not sticking this elsewhere. But since you're so unappreciative, I think I won't contain myself anymore."
"You WOULDN'T DARE. . .!"
"Just watch me."
Dom began to pull down Matt's trousers, while he squirmed and wailed beneath him. I was quite surprised; Matt was actually putting up a good fight. They fell to the floor, and Matt grabbed hold of the chair and brought it down on Dom as he began to unzip the trousers. Unfortunately for Bells, though, the blow was barely enough to merely distract Dom from the task, and so he threw himself completely on top of Matt to keep him under control. Dom was finally starting to get the trousers off and I decided I couldn't take it anymore when a piece of lace peaked from beneath.
"This is sick! I won't have you rape him in my house! You can do that outside all you want, but not here!"
"You. . .you. . .you're wearing knickers!"
Dom stood up and backed away slowly, appalled by his discovery. I turned away as Matt's trousers fell completely down to the floor, uncovering his thin, hairless legs.
"Oh. . .so I am! Ah, I must have opened the wrong drawer. That's it! It was still dark when I woke up this morning."
"BOLLOCKS! You were planing on getting here early to seduce him! You SWINE!!!"
Grabbing him by the collar, he pulled Matt up in the air, and began to shake him violently.
"What? Seduce? Me?! What the fuck's going on?! I demand an explanation!"
They stopped suddenly and looked at me wide-eyed.
"You mean you haven't heard?"
Dropping him back down on the ground, they both began to piss themselves with laughter. What the fuck? How was this funny? I failed to see humour in the situation. Fucking loons.
"It's just that-oh god my ribs hurt-well, they passed this new law that, well, they're trying to do something about overpopulation, not that we have a problem here compared to other countries, but anyway, they're encouraging gay marriages-"
"And they're paying newly-weds £5,000 pounds! Weeehehehehe!"
'Weeehehehehe'? They were definitely insane. But I still failed to see the connection to any of this. Or rather, I didn't want to believe that this could be connected. It was fucking sick.
"And this has to do with me because. . .?"
They began giggling again.
"Well, we want that money."
Matt nodded like an obedient child.
"But we decided that the two of us couldn't get married. Matt refuses to give in, and there's no way I'd ever let Matt be the top. He's too sm-"
"I don't need the details. Please."
"Anyway, out of the three of us, you-though I hate to say it-you've got the biggest knob. And you're the more practical and responsible one. So we're going to compete for you."
"Yeah, that's why I'm wearing knickers!"
Dom almost jumped.
"I knew it!! You're such a slut! Using your body to get your way!"
"Oh shut up! Out of us three, you're the last one who should be talking!"
I interrupted them. I still wasn't understanding the situation.
"But why? We can just get married. There's no need for sex. . .right?"
They wiped the smiles off their faces and looked at each other. Oh shit.
"Ah. . .actually," Matt started, "Well, the marriage needs to be consummated, so yes, we do need to ahh, fuck. Yes. But only once! And then we'll get the money!"
"Oh for fuck's sake! You'd be willing to reduce yourself for £2,000-"
"£5,000, Chris. £5,000."
"£5,000-oh whatever! You're going to sell your dignity for money?!"
"Of course! It's not like I have much anymore. So it's a good deal for me."
I knew these two were insane. But this? This was beyond insanity. It has to be a joke. How could such a thing be happening? Are they high? Dom turned to Matt, who began to pull up his trousers.
"Bells, it never occurred to me to wonder, but how they to know that we, you know, did it?"
"They check."
"They check?"
"They pull down your trousers and look."
"They pull them down. . .but what if it's not your first time? I mean, your ho-"
"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW THEY KNOW!"
Both of them blushed and they looked down with embarrassment.
"Ok, Chris. We'll stop."
"For the love of-ACT NORMAL!"
Matt looked up at me.
"But we are!"
He was absolutely adorable. No! NO HE WASN'T! This madness his messing with my head!
"Get away from me, you arse! Both of you! Get out! NOW!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
". . .Go on, sign it!"
Matt smiled at me sweetly with his gleaming blue eyes under the veil.
"You know, you didn't have to wear a dress. We're not doing this because we want to."
His eyes nearly popped out of his face.
"But who said I didn't want to?! I'm only planning on getting married once. ONCE! And I want it to be special! Of course, it's always a turn-off having to share one's man with another person. Slut."
Dom's grip on my arm tightened as the stiff crinoline of his dress crunched.
"You're the one who smeared himself all over Chris when we first came here. After that, it was all over. You knew they would make us get married!"
"I didn't know that they would use any excuse to tie the three of us down! Besides, I should have been the one to marry him! He's obviously more attracted to me!"
Dom pulled off his veil, rolled it into a ball, and threw it at Matt's face.
"No he isn't! He likes blonds!"
"QUIET! I DON'T LIKE EITHER ONE OF YOU! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH!"
I fixed my collar and cleared my throat. Just then an old geezer came in. The three of us looked back at him, shocked.
"What the hell is he doing with a goat here?!"
The bloke handing us the papers sighed deeply, exasperated.
"Mr Wickham, I told you you're not due until 5:30. Now go sit down and wait until it's your turn."
The three of us were dying to know what was happening. Thankfully Matt's curiousity got the better of him.
"What's the geezer doing with the goat, eh?"
The bloke grabbed his face with one of his enormous hands and slid it down in anger. His face was twitching and bright red.
"He's going to marry Mr Periwinkle this afternoon."
My jaw dropped in awe.
"You mean you can marry goats too?!"
Dom grabbed Matt's arm as he came towards me.
"THE GOAT HAS A SURNAME?!"
"Yes. Really, we don't care who or what you marry, as long as it's not a woman, and you don't produce more children."
And here I was with these two. If I married a goat, I'd get to keep all the money AND I'd have a goat, instead of having to share it with these gold-digging whores.
"Fuck this then! I'm going to marry a goat!"
Matt pulled away from Dom's grip and followed me to the door.
"CHRISIE!! NO! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE! I LOVE YOU! Alright mate, I guess it's just the two of us then. Me or you?"
"You. This shit is too hot to wear."
"But I'm still on top, right?"
"Hah! Like I'd ever let that happen! You're probably still wearing knickers, aren't you? I bet you are. Tell you what, if you're not wearing them, I'll let you put it in."
"Really?" An enormous smile spread over Matt's face. He looked at the bloke with the papers again. "Are there bathrooms here?"
"Yes, go straight and to the left."
He grabbed Dom's hand and ran towards the bathrooms.
"Come. We're getting this over with right now."
Dom closed the door and locked it with a snap.
"Hahaha!" He rubbed his hands loudly "I can't wait to-WHAT?! NO!! You cheater! You LIKE knickers! This isn't fair! You're the smaller one!"
"Shut up and spread it like the bitch you are!"
"Oww!"
"Yes, good. . ."
[To be continued. Maybe.]
Fuck. There's no eggs.
I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing deeply. There was no use in getting angry over eggs. Or the lack thereof. Even when I loved them so much. So I settled on biting down on a day-old scone. It was so dry it took three glasses of water to swallow it comfortably. Needless to say, that didn't help lift my mood. On top of that, some idiots were knocking at the door. It's not so hard to press a button.
"Hello, Chri-"
"Fuck off! I got here first!"
"Yeah? Well, too bad-get your hands off me-"
"Not until you get away from him. What kind of idiot just stands there and says, "Hello, Chris!" with a smile?! You're such a runt!"
"Fuck you! You're just jealous because you're not small and cute like I am! Therefore, you're at a disadvantage-Owww!"
"For fuck's sake, both of you shut up, and come in already before they start giving us dirty looks!"
Why on earth would Matt and Dom come at this hour? Why did they even come to visit in the first place? It's not like I needed another thing to ruin my already shitty morning.
"STOP POKING MY RIBS ALREADY!"
Dom took the twig he was poking Matt with, broke it in half, and used one of the pointy, bristled ends to further molest him. Matt jumped up and down like a child throwing a tantrum.
"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!!"
Dom pushed him over a chair and began to poke him down his spine with it, stopping right above his bum.
"You should be glad I'm not sticking this elsewhere. But since you're so unappreciative, I think I won't contain myself anymore."
"You WOULDN'T DARE. . .!"
"Just watch me."
Dom began to pull down Matt's trousers, while he squirmed and wailed beneath him. I was quite surprised; Matt was actually putting up a good fight. They fell to the floor, and Matt grabbed hold of the chair and brought it down on Dom as he began to unzip the trousers. Unfortunately for Bells, though, the blow was barely enough to merely distract Dom from the task, and so he threw himself completely on top of Matt to keep him under control. Dom was finally starting to get the trousers off and I decided I couldn't take it anymore when a piece of lace peaked from beneath.
"This is sick! I won't have you rape him in my house! You can do that outside all you want, but not here!"
"You. . .you. . .you're wearing knickers!"
Dom stood up and backed away slowly, appalled by his discovery. I turned away as Matt's trousers fell completely down to the floor, uncovering his thin, hairless legs.
"Oh. . .so I am! Ah, I must have opened the wrong drawer. That's it! It was still dark when I woke up this morning."
"BOLLOCKS! You were planing on getting here early to seduce him! You SWINE!!!"
Grabbing him by the collar, he pulled Matt up in the air, and began to shake him violently.
"What? Seduce? Me?! What the fuck's going on?! I demand an explanation!"
They stopped suddenly and looked at me wide-eyed.
"You mean you haven't heard?"
Dropping him back down on the ground, they both began to piss themselves with laughter. What the fuck? How was this funny? I failed to see humour in the situation. Fucking loons.
"It's just that-oh god my ribs hurt-well, they passed this new law that, well, they're trying to do something about overpopulation, not that we have a problem here compared to other countries, but anyway, they're encouraging gay marriages-"
"And they're paying newly-weds £5,000 pounds! Weeehehehehe!"
'Weeehehehehe'? They were definitely insane. But I still failed to see the connection to any of this. Or rather, I didn't want to believe that this could be connected. It was fucking sick.
"And this has to do with me because. . .?"
They began giggling again.
"Well, we want that money."
Matt nodded like an obedient child.
"But we decided that the two of us couldn't get married. Matt refuses to give in, and there's no way I'd ever let Matt be the top. He's too sm-"
"I don't need the details. Please."
"Anyway, out of the three of us, you-though I hate to say it-you've got the biggest knob. And you're the more practical and responsible one. So we're going to compete for you."
"Yeah, that's why I'm wearing knickers!"
Dom almost jumped.
"I knew it!! You're such a slut! Using your body to get your way!"
"Oh shut up! Out of us three, you're the last one who should be talking!"
I interrupted them. I still wasn't understanding the situation.
"But why? We can just get married. There's no need for sex. . .right?"
They wiped the smiles off their faces and looked at each other. Oh shit.
"Ah. . .actually," Matt started, "Well, the marriage needs to be consummated, so yes, we do need to ahh, fuck. Yes. But only once! And then we'll get the money!"
"Oh for fuck's sake! You'd be willing to reduce yourself for £2,000-"
"£5,000, Chris. £5,000."
"£5,000-oh whatever! You're going to sell your dignity for money?!"
"Of course! It's not like I have much anymore. So it's a good deal for me."
I knew these two were insane. But this? This was beyond insanity. It has to be a joke. How could such a thing be happening? Are they high? Dom turned to Matt, who began to pull up his trousers.
"Bells, it never occurred to me to wonder, but how they to know that we, you know, did it?"
"They check."
"They check?"
"They pull down your trousers and look."
"They pull them down. . .but what if it's not your first time? I mean, your ho-"
"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW THEY KNOW!"
Both of them blushed and they looked down with embarrassment.
"Ok, Chris. We'll stop."
"For the love of-ACT NORMAL!"
Matt looked up at me.
"But we are!"
He was absolutely adorable. No! NO HE WASN'T! This madness his messing with my head!
"Get away from me, you arse! Both of you! Get out! NOW!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
". . .Go on, sign it!"
Matt smiled at me sweetly with his gleaming blue eyes under the veil.
"You know, you didn't have to wear a dress. We're not doing this because we want to."
His eyes nearly popped out of his face.
"But who said I didn't want to?! I'm only planning on getting married once. ONCE! And I want it to be special! Of course, it's always a turn-off having to share one's man with another person. Slut."
Dom's grip on my arm tightened as the stiff crinoline of his dress crunched.
"You're the one who smeared himself all over Chris when we first came here. After that, it was all over. You knew they would make us get married!"
"I didn't know that they would use any excuse to tie the three of us down! Besides, I should have been the one to marry him! He's obviously more attracted to me!"
Dom pulled off his veil, rolled it into a ball, and threw it at Matt's face.
"No he isn't! He likes blonds!"
"QUIET! I DON'T LIKE EITHER ONE OF YOU! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH!"
I fixed my collar and cleared my throat. Just then an old geezer came in. The three of us looked back at him, shocked.
"What the hell is he doing with a goat here?!"
The bloke handing us the papers sighed deeply, exasperated.
"Mr Wickham, I told you you're not due until 5:30. Now go sit down and wait until it's your turn."
The three of us were dying to know what was happening. Thankfully Matt's curiousity got the better of him.
"What's the geezer doing with the goat, eh?"
The bloke grabbed his face with one of his enormous hands and slid it down in anger. His face was twitching and bright red.
"He's going to marry Mr Periwinkle this afternoon."
My jaw dropped in awe.
"You mean you can marry goats too?!"
Dom grabbed Matt's arm as he came towards me.
"THE GOAT HAS A SURNAME?!"
"Yes. Really, we don't care who or what you marry, as long as it's not a woman, and you don't produce more children."
And here I was with these two. If I married a goat, I'd get to keep all the money AND I'd have a goat, instead of having to share it with these gold-digging whores.
"Fuck this then! I'm going to marry a goat!"
Matt pulled away from Dom's grip and followed me to the door.
"CHRISIE!! NO! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE! I LOVE YOU! Alright mate, I guess it's just the two of us then. Me or you?"
"You. This shit is too hot to wear."
"But I'm still on top, right?"
"Hah! Like I'd ever let that happen! You're probably still wearing knickers, aren't you? I bet you are. Tell you what, if you're not wearing them, I'll let you put it in."
"Really?" An enormous smile spread over Matt's face. He looked at the bloke with the papers again. "Are there bathrooms here?"
"Yes, go straight and to the left."
He grabbed Dom's hand and ran towards the bathrooms.
"Come. We're getting this over with right now."
Dom closed the door and locked it with a snap.
"Hahaha!" He rubbed his hands loudly "I can't wait to-WHAT?! NO!! You cheater! You LIKE knickers! This isn't fair! You're the smaller one!"
"Shut up and spread it like the bitch you are!"
"Oww!"
"Yes, good. . ."
[To be continued. Maybe.]