Piece III : Pipe Dream, a Continuation to Filthy Swine
"Dom! DOM! Are you awake?!"
It's been 10 minutes and they're still in there. How long does it take when you've basically skipped over to the best part?! And Matt of all people. . .
"Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, now I am. Are you done yet?"
I could barely make out what Dom was saying through his yawning. I don't think I've ever seen him fall asleep that quickly. Was Matt really that bad? I always thought the opposite. What else was I supposed to think after seeing so many girls after him?
"NO I'M NOT DONE! REACT! A scream, a twitch, ANYTHING!"
"Oh," Dom began, still yawning, "well, it's kind of hard when I can't feel it even going in, you know? Are you sure it's up, mate?"
"OF COURSE IT'S UP! NOW STOP YAWNING!"
Then Matt slapped Dom, though where exactly is to be questioned. . .
"Oww!"
"See? Is that so hard?"
"But you're not even working it!"
He hit him again. Then he lowered his voice, probably thinking that none of us could hear (the creepy old man, the goat, and the red-faced bloke were all listening in on it).
"You're making me look bad here. Now just scream once in a while, breathe fast, anything. Just please, for Christ's sake, do something."
"You know how bad I'm at faking this sort of thing. I'm not a woman. Now, if you'll let me be on top, I'm sure we could both bene-"
"SILENCE!" Matthew's voice reached a pitch previously unknown to mankind as he slapped what seemed to be Dom's bum with a towel. We all cringed.
"OWWW!"
"There. We're done."
He pushed the door open as his dress fell over his legs and Dom staggered out of the room. Matt seemed to be very satisfied, probably due to the fact that Dom couldn't walk properly.
"How was it?" I asked Dom.
He shrugged and looked at Matt. "Ah, magical?"
As he walked past me, he leaned over and whispered into my ear, "Don't be fooled by this, mate. The only reason I can't walk is because I was in such an akward position. Don't tell him, though; it'll be a huge blow to his pride."
The red-faced bloke called in the old man with the goat next. Apparently this had been satisfactory. Wait! NO! I was supposed to marry the goat!
"Wait!!"
I ran after them before the door closed. The old man eyed me with a look of disgust.
"You can't marry that goat because I am!" I shouted, trying my best to sound serious though I felt like I was going to explode with laughter, and looking at the geezer right in the eyes.
"WHAT?! Is this true, Mr Periwinkle?! How could you do this to me? I've done nothing but care for you ever since you were feeding from your mother's teat! How could you do this when I love you?"
He began to sob. Then he lifted his head from his hands, looked at me, and smiled. So that's how it is. The old geezer knew the game.
"Let's have the go-I mean, Mr Periwinkle-decide which one of us to marry," I said. At this point, it was the only way I could have even the smallest possibility of getting to take it home. The old man gave me a dirty look as he unleashed the goat.
"Dear god, the goat is going with Chris!"
"Shut up, Dom. I didn't give you permission to speak."
"Since when do I need permission from you to speak?!"
"Since you signed the papers a few minutes ago. You're mine now, so SHUT UP!"
We went in, went through the whole drill. And then, at last. . .
". . .OH yeah. . .that's it, baby. . .SHIT. . .YES. . .YES! Peri. . .Peri. . .Periwinkle! Periwinkle? Yeah, YEAH! That's it! PERIWINKLE! Oh, yeah. . .? "
I could hear Dom and Matt giggling outside as I stood there with the goat inside the bathroom, banging on the walls once in a while. I was even worse than Dom. At least he had someone to smack him. But this goat? He kept nibbing on a roll of toilet paper I was throwing around to entertain myself.
Five minutes. That was it. There's no way in hell I could keep faking an orgasm for five more minutes, even when I was literally getting paid for it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It had been a week since I married Mr Periwinkle (sadly, I didn't know his full name yet and probably never will since the geezer hates me.) It hadn't occured to me to ask before (and honestly, who would, stuck in the middle of all this sudden madness?) but how, when and where was I supposed to claim this money? The goat had already eaten half the amount I was supposed to receive. He was a rather large goat, mind you. So I decided to pay the Bellamys a visit, though to be honest, they should probably be avoided. Fucking loons.
"Oh, look, it's Chris," Dom shuddered and closed his eyes, "dear."
"What are you waiting for then? Let him in! Useless whore."
Dear god. What had he done to Dom. . .?!
"For fuck's sake, why is Dom wearing a loincloth?!"
Matt slapped his belly as he slouched in his loveseat. "It's Mrs Bellamy, for you. But anyway, the loincloth is purely for my pleasure. Sexual pleasure."
This couldn't be healthy. Their greed made them go mad. But why would he willingly admit to being aroused by another man wearing a loincloth? A very short, skimpy loincloth. And Dom, no less. Sick. This was sick.
"Yeah, sure. Anyway, I came to ask you about the money. When and were are we supposed to claim it?"
"Oh yeah, about that. . ." he began, scratching his head and laughing nervously, "it seems that I didn't read the contract before, but apparently we're supposed to stay together for at least a year and be completely faithful or we get nothing. Heh. . .he . ."
"A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR?!"
"Yeah, well. They've got to make sure they're getting their money's worth. And ahh, make sure you don't take off that cheap ring they gave you. It has a chip that they use to make sure you're not, ah, stepping out, if you understand what I'm saying."
"You mean they're recording us right now? This is great." I sat down on a chair and groomed my nails. "I'm surprised you're completely fine with all of this. What happened to all your distrust for the goverment and all that other crap?"
"Dom," he shouted towards the kitchen and then turned back to me, "Well, I'm getting paid for it right? And on top of that, Dom cooks, cleans and fucks. Why wouldn't I be ok with that?"
"But you're going to have to split the money in half."
"Hah!" he began to fill a pipe, "he'll be lucky if he even gets a tenth."
"You cheap arse."
"You, out of all of us, " blowing smoke in my face, "should be the least to talk, goat fucker."
He was right, the swine (even though I hadn't actually touched him). Dom came in, wiping his hands with a towel.
"Yeah?"
"Sit here, on my lap," Matt said, slapping his thighs.
Dom obediently sat down on top of him and looked at me with shame and his face burned bright red. He looked so miserable that even I felt embarrassed by the scene.
"Don't cross your fucking legs, you slut. Now sit with your back against me and open them up."
"Why?"
"SHUT UP AND DO IT," Matt slapped Dom with the back of his hand and said, "bitch," as he turned his hand the other way and hit Dom again on the same spot. "You always manage to turn me off one way or another. Now get off."
Dom placed one hand over his crotch and the other over his bum to keep the loincloth from moving as he rose.
"Go get me something to eat, bitch."
"Alright, dear. Want anything for dessert?"
"Yeah," he reached out behind Dom and squeezed one of his bum cheeks, "this."
"Oh," Dom nearly jumped out of his skin and hurriedly ran back into the kitchen like the rat he'd been reduced to.
"Did you see that? That was the pimp helicopter*."
'Pimp helicopter'? What was he reading or watching?
"Yeah. . .I've had fun all this week practicing it on him. Gets him to shut up and obey all the time. Just slapping doesn't work anymore. I love it when he just does it, you know? None of this resistance crap. In fact," he put down his pipe and began to play with his zipper, "DOM!"
"Don't you think that slapping him so much is wrong? I mean, he seems obedient enough. At least, more than he's ever been."
"Sometimes," he began, pulling his zipper up and down impatiently, "you've got to do it, you know, to keep them in line and show them who's in charge."
Dom came in again, barely looking up at Matt.
"What is it?"
"Forget about the food. Go get the chocolate sauce and smear it all over."
"All over what?"
"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, BITCH! You, of course."
Oh no. I should probably get out now. As it is, he's probably going to invite me to stay. . .
"Wait, Chris, where are you going? You're going to miss the best part! COME BACK!!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And so, with this madness going on, the year finally came to an end. Matt actually had a dungeon made solely for the purpose of torturing Dom, or pleasuring him, as he liked to call it. I had feared for Dom's life many a time, but now, there was no reason to.
I stood in line, with Mr Periwinkle (whom I had grown quite attached to, but not in that way, of course), while Matt forcefully held Dom's hand inside his. To be fair though, he'd been so abused and used by Matt that he seemed to be doing it willingly now.
". . .alright, everything seems to be in order. You'll have the money deposited into your account within two weeks."
Dom butted in.
"Wait a moment. Aren't you going to check the goat?"
The red-faced bloke looked at Dom with bewilderment.
"WHAT?! YOU MEAN I SLEPT WITH MATT HUNDREDS OF TIMES FOR NOTHING?! I DEMAND MY MONEY RIGHT NOW!"
"Mrs Bellamy, please calm down."
"YOU SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HELL I'VE BEEN THOUGH THIS WHOLE FUCKING YEAR AND NOW. . ."
Now, if they were willing to do all of this for money, what wouldn't they do. . .?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
". . .NO! Stay right there!"
I pulled Matt's arm so he would stand closer to Dom. This was great. I can't believe I hadn't thought about this before.
"Chris, this thing is giving me a stomach ache."
"Now, now. Po wouldn't say such a thing, now would she? She'd say, "eh-oh!" I turned to Dom, "Dipsy, your antena has bad reception. Fix it unless you want to be Tinky Winky."
"NO! Anything but that handbag!"
Yeah, I'd made them dress up as Teletubbies. I even had them replace those cheap plastic screens with actual LCD's so I could watch two programmes instead of just one anywhere.
"That's not fair! How come I don't get that option?"
Dom snickered.
"Because you're a runt like Po. The costume would be too big on you."
"Fuck you! I still have that dungeon so you best-"
"Both of you quiet down! I'm trying to listen."
Dom's voice lowered into a whisper.
"Matt, when are we going to sign the divorce papers?"
"NEVER! YOU'RE MINE FOR LIFE! YOU'RE MINE UNTIL YOUR CORPSE ROTS TO THE BONE AND THE WORMS SQUIRMING OVER IT DIE FROM LACK OF NOURISHMENT!"
I sat down with Mr Periwinkle on my lap.
And to think that I got all of this for £1,000.
*The pimp helicopter is an actual slap taught to me by a friend. I really wish you could see it done. It really drains any and all dignity left in a human being. So fucking humiliating and hilarious.