The Bar, Part 2/2
Title: The Bar
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Pairing: Barney/Robin
Rating: Teen for occasional language
Summary: The final part of Barney and Robin's story. 5500 words; get comfortable before starting. Sorry about the unexpected hiatus!
Readers, love is a funny thing: it comes and goes to its own liking and there’s often no warning about when it’ll disappear or reappear next. Like the stories of the bow and arrow toting Cupid, it lurks in the shadows and can catch anyone unawares with the simple flick of a string. Love also believes itself to have a sense of humor, though it may not always be a good idea to show that you get the joke.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know this last rule. So when Robin said “I think I may be in love with Barney”, I laughed. Almost instantly realizing my mistake, I looked over at the glowering Robin.
“You’re laughing? Seriously?”
I straightened and attempted to defend myself. “Well, I mean… I wasn’t…” I cautioned another look at Robin and she raised her eyebrows expectantly. “Come on, you have to admit it’s kind of funny.”
She crossed her arms. “I don’t get the joke.”
I laughed again and punched her arm. Her expression intensified. “Sorry. But don’t you find it a little ironic that you’re so against relationships and yet here both of you are-“
Robin straightened. “Both? What do you mean by ‘both of us’?”
I stopped mid-gesture and thought about my situation and the likeliness of getting out of it alive. Weighing my options, I decided to go with a minor change of subject. “I mean Barney? Really? The guy’s a womanizer, what do you see in him anyway?”
“I don’t know,” Robin said as she looked back towards New York. Deflection success. “He’s really more than just some womanizer, you know that. I mean, just remember what I said earlier, about all my mistakes. Quitting my job, almost going back to my job, going home with a jerk. I look back at to those bad decisions now and do you know what I suddenly see?”
“That your parents dropped the ball in the Decision Making lessons?” I winced, realizing I probably shouldn’t poke the tiger right now.
Robin thankfully laughed and shrugged. “Well that, but also that after every bad decision, Barney’s been there to help me through it. I know you guys have, too, but he’s actually made each bad decision better. He told me not to go back to my demeaning job, he helped me find a new one so I wouldn’t get deported, I wouldn’t even be here right now if it weren’t for him. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite like him before in my life.”
“That can be a good thing, you know.” Why do I even speak? I mean really.
Robin looked back at me and shook her head. “You don’t think that, though. You’re all playing the game that he’s some kind of plague on society, but you know he isn’t.”
“Ok, you’re right, I’m sorry,” I replied. “I don’t really know why I’m being a jerk about this. I guess I don’t want either of you to get hurt.” I smiled at her.
She returned a dangerous smile that had more going on in the background that you usually wanted to know about. “Either of us?” She questioned me. “Who says Barney would get hurt?”
I cleared my throat and shrugged. “Well you, mainly, I was just trying to act like I-listen, I’m going to head back down, are you coming?” If the deflection worked once, maybe it’ll work again.
Robin studied me for a few uncomfortable seconds and finally shook her head. “No, I hear there’s going to be a meteor shower tonight. I think I’ll stay up for it.”
This news alarmed me. “There is? Are you sure? Because if I remember correctly according to my Wikipaydia, there’s not another shower for-“
“Leave, Ted.”
“Yea, right, sorry,” I turned awkwardly to go. “I’ll just, I’ll leave the door open so you can,” Wow, that door off the roof was further away than I remembered. “Barney’s on the couch, he’s a little doped on morphine but he won’t, yea, sorry about, um, goodnight.”
----------
Marshall and Lily had already left the apartment by the time I’d made it downstairs, so it wasn’t until the next evening at McLaren’s that I shared with them the breaking news.
“No, are you sure?” Lily gasped as she bent over the table to hear my story.
“Yes, Lily, I’m sure.”
“Have you seen them? Has she told him?” Lily hiccupped.
“No, they were both gone by the time I got up in the morning. I haven’t seen them all day.”
“Well maybe it’s just a temporary thing,” Marshall offered. “I mean, you know how much she loves guys who get into fights.”
Lily had reclined to think about it and was now shaking her head. “No, she would’ve been all over Barney if it was just the fight thing. Maybe she really means it.”
Marshall turned back to Lily and laugh. “It would’ve been a bit hard to be all over him, he was a little drugged up.”
“I think Lily’s right,” I cut in. “I mean, she sounded really collected about it. Like she’d put a lot of thought into it and had made an informed decision.”
“Ted, we’re talking about love, not buying a new car,” Marshall responded. “What I’m saying is that she had a rough night last night and we shouldn’t read too much into this.”
And at this moment, Robin walked in and sat next to me. “Hey guys, what are we talking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Marshall.”
“Sasquatch.”
We all looked at each other in silence, hoping the fact that we replied at the same time would outweigh what we actually said.
Robin scoffed and looked at me. “You told them?”
I tried to smile back at her. “Told them… what?” She raised her eyebrows at me in response. “Ok yes, I told them, but it’s only because I think they can help.”
“I don’t need your help, Ted. God, this is so embarrassing.”
“No, it’s not,” Lily said with a much more successful reassuring smile. “None of us judge you for it.”
Robin looked at each of us questioningly for a moment. “You don’t?”
Lily shook her head and laughed. “No! In fact, we think it kinda makes sense.”
Robin leaned forward. “Yea?”
Marshall smiled. “Yea, you two could be the next, well, me and Lily.”
At this it was Robin’s turn to laugh awkwardly. “Wow, Marshall, that’s really sweet but, um, I don’t know if I agree with that.”
“Well, not exactly like us, but I mean you could be the next happy couple,” Lily offered.
“Ok, I never said I wanted to be in a couple.” Robin’s smile faded. “In fact, I never said I was happy about it either.”
“But Robin, you’re in love. I would give anything to feel that way about someone,” I argued.
“Yea, you would, because you’re… well, Ted. But I’m not as thrilled.”
“Why not?” Lily asked.
Robin shook her head. “I don’t know. I’m young, my life’s going pretty well, I can finally start doing more of the things I want to do, and I being in love just doesn’t fit with my schedule. Yea, ok, I’m a little selfish right now, but I’m at a point in my life where as long as I’m single, that’s ok. I don’t want to mess that up by having gross lovey feelings for someone or being in a relationship.”
Lily threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “Wow, you two really are perfect for each other.”
“Wait, what does that mean?”
“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” Barney asked as he walked up to the booth.
“Marriage.”
“Sandcastles.”
“Marshall.”
“Nessie.”
Barney stopped at the booth and stood staring at us for a few moments in confusion. Again in unison, Marshall and I remembered we had yet to get the drinks and stood up to go to the bar.
Barney looked like he was about to comment and then noticed something else that spiked his curiosity. “Marshall, why are you limping?”
Marshall and Lily exchanged a meaningful look and Marshall straightened. “Well, Barney, as a matter of fact,”
“He stubbed his toe,” Lily cut in.
“Yea, and then you stepped on it!” Marshall stopped on his quest to the bar to respond to Lily. I rolled my eyes and continued to the bar while Barney slid into the booth next to Robin, who quickly adjusted her hair.
“You’re exaggerating it anyway. You’re only limping to get attention.” Lily countered.
Marshall was taken aback. “Why does no one ever believe it when someone has a foot injury? I’m telling you, Lily, my toe is broken and it’s because you stepped on it.”
“Marshall-!“
“No, Marshall’s got a point,” Barney cut in, shaking his finger in thought. I returned with the drinks and Marshall and I sat back down. “It’s always difficult for one to accept an injury done to the foot or ankle region. I call it Pedestrianepticism.”
I tilted my head as I sounded it out.. “What?”
“Pedestrian and skepticism. It’s a name in progress. The point is that while a broken arm or finger is easy to believe, someone breaking their ankle or toe is often ignored by everyone until the x-ray results come back. Case in point: my 10th birthday. I was a promising young boy with the looks and the charm to go the distance. I, like any true winner, wanted to have a Batman themed party, complete with Batman plates, a working light-up Batman signal, and free lessons in flying being held on the roof.”
Lily laughed. “Wow, Barney, I knew your mom wasn’t always totally there, but she actually let you teach flying on the roof?”
“No, my mother passed out in the first 20 minutes after drinking too much homemade Batman punch, the flying lessons were my own brilliant invention. So I gathered everyone on the roof and decided to give them a demonstration. You know, to show them how a real pro goes about flying. So I ran off the roof.”
Robin gasped and put her hand on Barney’s arm. “What happened?”
Barney glanced at the hand, smirked, and straightened. “What do you think happened? I flew.”
Marshall shook his head. “Come on Barney, we all know the only people who can fly are the real Batman, Peter Pan, and Jedi Knights. You couldn’t have possibly flown.”
“Oh, but I did. I flew straight into the deck below and broke my foot.” Everyone winced. “I told everyone it was broken, but did they believe me? No. I had to walk on that broken foot for 3 years before I had a check up and the doctor gave me an x-ray. 3 years!”
“That’s not possible,” Marshall said. “You couldn’t have walked on something that painful for so long.”
Barney laughed and adjusted his tie. “Oh, Marshall, when will you learn that with me, anything’s possimpible.” Barney took a drink. “Also, it was 3 days, as I’ve know remembered, but the point is still clear.”
“Marshall,” Lily started nervously, “maybe he’s right. I mean, you remember that time you broke your ankle when you were camping with your family and no one believed you? They made you walk on it for a week before they finally took you in.”
“No, my dad knew it was broken. He just wanted the pain of it to cleanse the weakness from my body.” And then Marshall took a drink. “Man, I should really send that guy an ecard.”
Lily stared at Marshall for a few more seconds and nodded, having made a personal decision. “Alright, Marshall, let’s go,” she said as she stood up and started pulling at him to follow.
“Go? Go where?” Marshall protested as he held onto his drink.
“To the hospital. We’re getting you an x-ray.”
Marshall stood up. “Well it’s about time!” He winked at Barney who raised his glass.
“Yea, I think I’m going to follow you guys out,” I said as I stood up from my chair. “I’ve got a proposal I have to present tomorrow and I want to go over it.”
We all said our goodbyes to Robin and Barney and walked out the door. Barney slid over to the opposite side of the booth with his glass. “So how was your day, Sherbatsky?”
“Oh my day was, you know,” she stopped and looked around the bar.
Barney gave her a confused expression. “Alright…”
Robin looked back at Barney. This is what she didn’t like about love: it made things awkward. She sighed and smiled. “So, Jack called.”
Barney’s grip on his glass reached dangerous levels. “What? I’ll kill him. What did he want? His ass handed to him again, huh? Didn’t have enough of Barney Stinson the first time did he?”
Robin started laughing. “No, I’m sorry, he didn’t call. I just wanted to see what your reaction would be.”
Barney relaxed and deflated a little. “Oh. Still, I would’ve shown him.”
“Like you ‘showed him’ last night?”
“Hey, I was just getting warmed up. If you had waited a few more minutes I would’ve really been wailing on him.” Barney did a few punches in the air.
Robin laughed again. “Yea, maybe, but I figured I valued your consciousness over your pride.”
Barney smiled. “Really? That’s sweet.”
They smiled at each other and then looked around. Robin thought of something of interest, started to get an idea, and laughed. Barney put down his drink and swallowed. “What?”
Robin kept laughing quietly and shook her head. “Nothing, it’s a dumb idea.”
Barney laughed along. “Come on, what?”
Robin looked at him with a smile and nodded. “Ok, I’ve got an idea for a game.”
“Is it anything like extreme battleship, because you know I’m going to win at that.”
Robin shook her head. “No, it’s not that. It’s a proposition. A challenge. Something to weigh up our skills, because the night is young and I’m bored.”
Barney raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
“It’s a race to the number. You pick a guy for me, I pick a girl for you, whoever can get a number first wins.”
Barney laughed. “Robin, this is child’s play. Do you know how many numbers I get a night? You wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“The number has to be real.”
“In that case, you’re on. What’s the prize?”
“I don’t know, how about… the last one to get a number has to buy the other dinner.”
Barney nodded. “A small prize for a small win, but I say we raise the stakes.”
Robin leaned over the table. “Oh? To what?”
“Dinner for a number, but whoever can get an invitation home gets a wild card.”
“What’s a wild card?”
“It’s wild, that’s the point. It can be whatever the winner chooses.”
“Like…?”
Barney shrugged. “Like $100, like laundry done for a week, like a night with the loser, like whatever he or she wants.” He nodded to Robin, daring her to accept.
Robin smiled and extended her hand. “Challenge accepted.” And they shook on it. “Alright, so pick a guy for me; I’ve already got a girl for you.”
“Yea, who?” Barney asked and Robin pointed over to a blonde standing by the jukebox.
“Ouch, blonde with boots, booze and boobs, nice eye.”
Robin beamed. “Thank you.”
Barney looked around the bar and motioned to someone standing by the door. “Ok, that guy.”
Robin looked over to see the nerd adjusting his glasses. “Ew, not that guy.”
“What? He looks like a perfectly pleasant conversationalist.”
“You can see his pocket protector from here. How about that guy?” Robin gestured over to a jock standing at the bar.
Barney looked him up and down and shook his head. “Too much muscle.”
Robin scoffed. “Well that girl has way too much boob, but you don’t hear me complaining.”
Barney blinked and gave Robin another confused expression. “I understand ‘too much’, and I know the word ‘boob’, but when you put them together, it’s just jibberish.” Robin crossed her arms. “Ok fine, but if he turns out to be a jerk, just know I’m not beating another guy up for you again.”
“You didn’t beat a guy up for me in the first place.” Robin said with a grin.
“Low blow, Sherbatsky! I was going to let you win, but now it’s on.” Barney downed the last of his scotch, nodded at Robin, and got up to plan his approach to the blondie at the jukebox.
For the next few minutes, they both worked their chosen ‘dates’, neither one striking out but neither one all that into it, either. While listening all about the great sport of baseball, Robin looked over at how Barney was doing with the girl. He was giving her the coy treatment and she was eating it up. Robin sighed and looked back at her guy, who hadn’t noticed a thing. After the ninth minute of his 45 minute long lecture on the pros and cons of touch football versus flag football, Robin cut in.
“Hey, sorry, give me just a minute, I’ve remembered I have to touch base with someone.” She smiled.
The guy nodded. “Oh yea sure, go ahead.”
Robin walked outside and pulled out her phone. A few seconds later, Barney’s phone started to ring. He held up a hand to pause the girl he was flirting with and looked down. “Just a sec,” he said as he flipped open the phone. “Go for Barney.”
“Hey there gorgeous, how’s blondie doing?”
“Hey mom, how are you?” The girl standing next to Barney ‘aww’ed and Barney smiled. He put a hand almost over the mouth of the phone. “It’s my mom, she calls when she gets lonely. It’ll just be a minute.”
“The momma’s boy angle, huh? That doesn’t look too promising, you know. She probably won’t be into half the stuff I could do to you.”
“Yes, I remember your story about Fluffy. I hope he didn’t wake you up again last night!”
“Or half the stuff my guy would be willing to do to me tonight, that’s for sure. Did you know that he can bench 200 ‘kilowatts’? I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m sure I can find a position it’ll be useful for.”
Barney laughed a very constrictive sounding laugh. “No, I don’t think he has feline leukemia, he’s just a little lazy in the spring time.”
“I’m trying to think of what I want my wild card to be. You know, you’d be the second guy to give me a wild card tonight, because this guy’s begging to give me one, too.”
Barney squeaked. “Love you too, mom. I’ll talk to you tonight.”
Robin smiled and hung up. She adjusted her dress and walked back into the bar and up to her guy. She threw a glance at Barney, who was still holding his phone to his ear as he watched her enter.
“Are you ok?” the blonde asked with concern as she put her arm on Barney’s shoulder.
Barney blinked and smiled. “Yea, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You just sounded so tense on the phone.” She said as she started rubbing Barney’s shoulder.
Barney nodded. “Yea, it’s just… my mother’s relationship with her cat is very… moving.”
“Oh that’s so sweet!”
“Fluffy just had an appointment with the Vet today. He has feline leukemia.” The girl gasped. “I know I should tell my mother, but,” Barney lowered his head and wiped a tear away that wasn’t there. “I just can’t stand to hurt her any more than her own leukemia already has.”
“Wow. They both have feline leukemia? That’s so beautiful.”
Barney, knowing instinctually that he’d struck gold with this bimbo, looked up to see Robin flirting with her stranger. She was crossing her legs and leaning over the bar: a good move. Shows off the legs and the cleavage. If this guy knows anything, he’ll ask her out in the next 5 seconds. Barney sighed, turned back to his bimbo, and nodded sadly. “Yes, it’s tragic.”
Robin smiled and nodded as the guy opposite her started going into his next field of interest: miniature soldiers.
“So, you collect toy soldiers? That must be fun, I’d love to see that collection.”
“They’re not toys they’re miniatures, and I don’t just collect them, I make them and paint them, it’s a very precise art.”
“Ah.” Robin said and she drifted off again as he went into further detail. She felt her phone ring and looked down to see the number. She smiled at her stranger and apologized. “Sorry, just a second.” She accepted the call. “Hello?”
“You look so hot in that dress that I’m pretty sure you would be arrested in at least 9 of the 15 and a half bible belt states.”
Robin stared at the empty space next to the jukebox that used to be Barney and smiled. “Hey, Vicki, long time no see, how are you?” she responded in an especially lusty voice.
“Slightly lesbian angle. Very nice. Torturous for him and me. You’re a sly one.”
Robin laughed. “No, I miss you more, sexy. Are you coming by the bar tonight?”
“Well, I was just calling to tell you that I have a number. I had to come out here and check on my poor dying mother and then I’m going back to get an invite to this closet-kinky girl’s place. I hope things are going well with Mr. 200 Kilowatts over there.”
“Vicki! Not now, I’m in public.” Robin giggled.
“Sorry, I couldn’t contain myself. I’ll go take my urges out on a random blonde and let you be.”
Robin hung up and turned back to Mr. 200 Kilowatts, who had stopped staring at himself in the bar mirror to stare at Robin. She shrugged and smiled. “Sorry, that was an old… friend.”
Another 15 minutes passed and the game continued. Once again, Robin remembered a call she had to make to another old ‘friend’ Trisha and made her way outside. This time Barney saw her start and suddenly remembered he had to call Fluffy’s groomer to set up a meeting. Robin stood outside and stared at her phone and was surprised to hear a ringtone behind her after pushing ‘send’. She turned around to see Barney opening his phone.
“Hello?” He grinned.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I was trying to reach an unusually attractive guy in a suit. I must’ve dialed the wrong number.” Robin grinned back.
That’s when Barney finally snapped, and before Robin knew it she was stuck between the wall of McLaren’s and the suit of Barney Stinson, who was currently running his tongue along her top molars. They remained in this position for longer than I’d care to say, and they eventually reemerged for breath.
Amidst her struggle for breath, Robin managed to laugh. “So, I guess you forfeit the challenge?”
Barney leaned to the side and looked in through the window. “It looks like the challenge has finished itself.”
Robin turned to look and saw that Barney’s blonde was sucking face with her jock. She laughed and turned back to Barney. “Well, I guess you won then.”
“Yea, and he lost. Suck on that!” Barney yelled at the window.
“No, I mean you got her number, right? So you’re the highest scorer.”
“Oh, right.” Barney winced. “Actually, that was a lie, I was just trying to trip you up.”
Robin gasped. “Barney Stinson! Cheating at a game, how could you? So I guess no one got a wild card, huh?”
Barney raised an eyebrow at Robin. “I don’t know, the night’s young.” Robin grinned and Barney felt his confidence rise. “So, you want to come back to my place and play some Extreme Battleship, my rules?”
He looked at Robin hopefully and a few seconds of thought later she smiled and nodded. “As long as I can win this one.”
Barney squeaked again and turned towards the street to hail a taxi.
Now, Readers, I don’t usually like to go into this part of any story, but I guess you’re all old enough now to know, well, how the world works, and in this situation it’s important to know the whole truth. Robin and Barney went to Barney’s apartment to, shall we say, play extreme Battleship. The way I’ve heard it told was Robin was, shall we say, letting Barney get hits on her battleships all over the place, and just when it was getting heated and Barney was about to find the last hit on Robin’s horizontally placed air carrier, this happened.
“Sherbatsky, I love you!”
“What?!” Robin exclaimed. The game of battleship ended immediately in a stalemate and Barney was pushed off as Robin sat up.
Barney blinked for a few minutes, unable to make the connections of what had just happened. Then he realized. By this time, Robin was gathering her things and redressing. “Aaaaaah, no, Robin, I’m sorry, wait.”
Robin went in search for her shoes. She spotted one on top of the porn bookcase and stood on her toes to get it.
“Don’t leave I, I didn’t mean it,” Barney winced as he said it. “I just, forgot who I was talking to. I lie about that all the time that I, um, don’t even know when I’m saying it…” For the first time since his self-transformation, Barney felt the pangs of self-hatred. But he hated seeing Robin pulling her shoe out from the remains of his broken lamp more. “Really, I was just so into that I… forgot where I was.”
Robin stood up straight, her clothes and possessions back in tact, and looked at Barney, who looked like a kicked puppy. “Barney, it’s not…” She sighed and shook her head. “I have to go.” She turned and walked out the door.
Barney let out a yell and punched the wall. After a few minutes of self-pity, he realized what he had to do. He put himself back together and made a phone call.
An hour later there was a knock on his door. He absentmindedly opened it as he walked to the couch and sat down.
“Barney, we’re really going to have to stop these middle of the night ‘You have to come over now’ phone calls, I’m getting too old for this stuff.”
“Hi, Lily.”
“Don’t you ‘Hi, Lily’ me,” Lily responded in her best mom voice. “I want you to explain why I had to take a cab here at one in the morning and explain it now!”
Barney winced. “I messed it all up.”
“You messed what all up?”
Barney jumped off the couch and started pacing. “Robin! I messed things up with Robin! Now she’s never going to talk to me again.”
Lily dropped her purse and walked over with concern. “Why? What did you do?”
Barney shook his head. “I told her I loved her.”
A few seconds of silence passed. Then Lily burst out laughing. “Barney, that’s exactly what you were supposed to do!”
“Well it obviously wasn’t because she stormed out of here!”
Lily’s smile disappeared. “She did?”
“Yes!”
“Well that’s weird.”
Barney looked at Lily. “Why? She obviously doesn’t feel anything like that for me.”
Lily shook her head and stepped forward to put a reassuring hand on Barney’s arm and guide him back to sitting on the couch. “That’s probably not true.”
“How do you know?”
“I just… look, I think there’s something else upsetting her.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, maybe it’s how much you’re messing around?”
Barney stood back up and walked a few feet away. “It always comes back to that with you.”
“Well, if you’re going to be in love with Robin, then it’s a problem!”
“No, Lily, it isn’t. I love Robin, I really do. But you know what else I love? The world. And do you know whom the world deserves? Barney Stinson: maker of awesome. And that Barney Stinson does what he wants, and if messing around is one of them, then so be it.”
Lily stood up in frustration. “If either of you ever gets over how selfish you are, you’d make a really great couple.”
Barney threw his hands up in the air. “Again with the couple! You’re not getting it!”
Lily crossed her arms. “Obviously, I’m not.”
Barney looked at Lily and sighed. “Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re just trying to help, and you drove all the way out here to help me get my worthless self out of my own messed up situation. I appreciate it, I really do, but… I’m not Marshall. And Robin’s not you. And I really appreciate your advice, but I can’t do it your way anymore.” Barney grabbed his coat and headed for the door.
Lily turned to as he walked off. “Wait, that’s it? Where are you going?”
Barney turned back to Lily when he was at the door and put on his coat. He shrugged. “I’m going my own way. Thanks for leading me this far, Lily, I can take it from here.”
He turned and walked out, leaving a very confused Lily in his apartment. Aggravated, she said a few choice words and kicked at the air a few times. She then relaxed and looked at the giant plasma television on the wall in front of her. She shrugged, sat on the couch, and flipped it on.
There was a knock on the door of Robin and Ted’s apartment. Robin had been sitting on the couch staring at nothing for awhile now, so she was closest to the door. She opened it to find the man whose apartment she’d stormed out of earlier that evening.
“Before you slam the door!” Barney started as soon as the door was opening. “Just hear me out.” Robin looked at him expectantly and Barney’s mind shifted gears. This was really it. Well, no turning back now.
“Robin, I love you.” Robin looked away and Barney winced. “I’m sorry, I know that’s probably something you don’t want to hear, but it’s the truth. I didn’t forget where I was earlier or who I was with, I knew exactly what was happening and I just couldn’t lie another second. I love you so much that sometimes it’s actually physically painful. I love the things you say, love the clothes you wear, love the jokes you make, I’m even starting to love that you’re Canadian, and that terrifies me even more than all this terrifies you, I can guarantee it.” Barney thought he saw a hint of a smile on Robin’s lips but it quickly faded.
“But I also know that you’re smart, funny, beautiful, the whole package, and you’ve got so much ahead of you and that I have no business being here on your front door step. I lie, I mess around, I’ll probably be arrested and thrown into a Turkish prison some day, I’m not the kind of guy who would ever even have a chance with you. So please, live your life, do who and what you want, don’t answer to anyone, you’re your own woman. At this point, all I want from you is, I don’t know, 5 minutes from your day. If I could just be lucky enough to see you for 5 minutes everyday it’ll be more than I’ve ever deserved and I’ll be happy. If I can have that and one day your forgiveness for all of this, I’ll be ecstatic.” Barney sighed, looked down at his feet, and back up at Robin. “You’re the perfect woman. You can slam the door in my face now.”
And with that he turned and walked down the hallway. After a few steps, the gravity of what he just did sunk in and he felt like he’d had another punch in the ribs. He felt liberated, exhilarated, but mostly depressed and terrified. He reached the end of his slow walk down the hallway and thought all about how he was about to descend the stairs and drink himself dumb alone in his own apartment. He felt so lonely right then that was actually starting to hallucinate, thinking he heard footsteps running behind him.
Suddenly, Barney found himself between the wall of the apartment hallway and the dress of Robin Sherbatsky, whose tongue was seeking retribution for the earlier sinking of a battleship. As quickly as it attacked, Robin’s tongue retreated, and Barney opened his eyes slowly to see the face of the most beautiful woman in the world mere inches away from his own.
“I love you, too,” the face said.
Barney’s eyes widened and he took in a breath to say something, but Robin put her hand up to stop him.
“Just, don’t get all mushy about it. I believe we were playing a game of battleship?”
Barney grinned and pulled her closer. “Oh, Sherbatsky. I knew what I was doing, falling for you.”
Robin grinned back. “Hit.”
And that’s the story of how Barney and Robin found love. And why I can’t play Battleship anymore. It just feels so… dirty…
End.
xposted to barneyrobin and himym_fic .
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Pairing: Barney/Robin
Rating: Teen for occasional language
Summary: The final part of Barney and Robin's story. 5500 words; get comfortable before starting. Sorry about the unexpected hiatus!
Readers, love is a funny thing: it comes and goes to its own liking and there’s often no warning about when it’ll disappear or reappear next. Like the stories of the bow and arrow toting Cupid, it lurks in the shadows and can catch anyone unawares with the simple flick of a string. Love also believes itself to have a sense of humor, though it may not always be a good idea to show that you get the joke.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know this last rule. So when Robin said “I think I may be in love with Barney”, I laughed. Almost instantly realizing my mistake, I looked over at the glowering Robin.
“You’re laughing? Seriously?”
I straightened and attempted to defend myself. “Well, I mean… I wasn’t…” I cautioned another look at Robin and she raised her eyebrows expectantly. “Come on, you have to admit it’s kind of funny.”
She crossed her arms. “I don’t get the joke.”
I laughed again and punched her arm. Her expression intensified. “Sorry. But don’t you find it a little ironic that you’re so against relationships and yet here both of you are-“
Robin straightened. “Both? What do you mean by ‘both of us’?”
I stopped mid-gesture and thought about my situation and the likeliness of getting out of it alive. Weighing my options, I decided to go with a minor change of subject. “I mean Barney? Really? The guy’s a womanizer, what do you see in him anyway?”
“I don’t know,” Robin said as she looked back towards New York. Deflection success. “He’s really more than just some womanizer, you know that. I mean, just remember what I said earlier, about all my mistakes. Quitting my job, almost going back to my job, going home with a jerk. I look back at to those bad decisions now and do you know what I suddenly see?”
“That your parents dropped the ball in the Decision Making lessons?” I winced, realizing I probably shouldn’t poke the tiger right now.
Robin thankfully laughed and shrugged. “Well that, but also that after every bad decision, Barney’s been there to help me through it. I know you guys have, too, but he’s actually made each bad decision better. He told me not to go back to my demeaning job, he helped me find a new one so I wouldn’t get deported, I wouldn’t even be here right now if it weren’t for him. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite like him before in my life.”
“That can be a good thing, you know.” Why do I even speak? I mean really.
Robin looked back at me and shook her head. “You don’t think that, though. You’re all playing the game that he’s some kind of plague on society, but you know he isn’t.”
“Ok, you’re right, I’m sorry,” I replied. “I don’t really know why I’m being a jerk about this. I guess I don’t want either of you to get hurt.” I smiled at her.
She returned a dangerous smile that had more going on in the background that you usually wanted to know about. “Either of us?” She questioned me. “Who says Barney would get hurt?”
I cleared my throat and shrugged. “Well you, mainly, I was just trying to act like I-listen, I’m going to head back down, are you coming?” If the deflection worked once, maybe it’ll work again.
Robin studied me for a few uncomfortable seconds and finally shook her head. “No, I hear there’s going to be a meteor shower tonight. I think I’ll stay up for it.”
This news alarmed me. “There is? Are you sure? Because if I remember correctly according to my Wikipaydia, there’s not another shower for-“
“Leave, Ted.”
“Yea, right, sorry,” I turned awkwardly to go. “I’ll just, I’ll leave the door open so you can,” Wow, that door off the roof was further away than I remembered. “Barney’s on the couch, he’s a little doped on morphine but he won’t, yea, sorry about, um, goodnight.”
----------
Marshall and Lily had already left the apartment by the time I’d made it downstairs, so it wasn’t until the next evening at McLaren’s that I shared with them the breaking news.
“No, are you sure?” Lily gasped as she bent over the table to hear my story.
“Yes, Lily, I’m sure.”
“Have you seen them? Has she told him?” Lily hiccupped.
“No, they were both gone by the time I got up in the morning. I haven’t seen them all day.”
“Well maybe it’s just a temporary thing,” Marshall offered. “I mean, you know how much she loves guys who get into fights.”
Lily had reclined to think about it and was now shaking her head. “No, she would’ve been all over Barney if it was just the fight thing. Maybe she really means it.”
Marshall turned back to Lily and laugh. “It would’ve been a bit hard to be all over him, he was a little drugged up.”
“I think Lily’s right,” I cut in. “I mean, she sounded really collected about it. Like she’d put a lot of thought into it and had made an informed decision.”
“Ted, we’re talking about love, not buying a new car,” Marshall responded. “What I’m saying is that she had a rough night last night and we shouldn’t read too much into this.”
And at this moment, Robin walked in and sat next to me. “Hey guys, what are we talking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Marshall.”
“Sasquatch.”
We all looked at each other in silence, hoping the fact that we replied at the same time would outweigh what we actually said.
Robin scoffed and looked at me. “You told them?”
I tried to smile back at her. “Told them… what?” She raised her eyebrows at me in response. “Ok yes, I told them, but it’s only because I think they can help.”
“I don’t need your help, Ted. God, this is so embarrassing.”
“No, it’s not,” Lily said with a much more successful reassuring smile. “None of us judge you for it.”
Robin looked at each of us questioningly for a moment. “You don’t?”
Lily shook her head and laughed. “No! In fact, we think it kinda makes sense.”
Robin leaned forward. “Yea?”
Marshall smiled. “Yea, you two could be the next, well, me and Lily.”
At this it was Robin’s turn to laugh awkwardly. “Wow, Marshall, that’s really sweet but, um, I don’t know if I agree with that.”
“Well, not exactly like us, but I mean you could be the next happy couple,” Lily offered.
“Ok, I never said I wanted to be in a couple.” Robin’s smile faded. “In fact, I never said I was happy about it either.”
“But Robin, you’re in love. I would give anything to feel that way about someone,” I argued.
“Yea, you would, because you’re… well, Ted. But I’m not as thrilled.”
“Why not?” Lily asked.
Robin shook her head. “I don’t know. I’m young, my life’s going pretty well, I can finally start doing more of the things I want to do, and I being in love just doesn’t fit with my schedule. Yea, ok, I’m a little selfish right now, but I’m at a point in my life where as long as I’m single, that’s ok. I don’t want to mess that up by having gross lovey feelings for someone or being in a relationship.”
Lily threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “Wow, you two really are perfect for each other.”
“Wait, what does that mean?”
“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” Barney asked as he walked up to the booth.
“Marriage.”
“Sandcastles.”
“Marshall.”
“Nessie.”
Barney stopped at the booth and stood staring at us for a few moments in confusion. Again in unison, Marshall and I remembered we had yet to get the drinks and stood up to go to the bar.
Barney looked like he was about to comment and then noticed something else that spiked his curiosity. “Marshall, why are you limping?”
Marshall and Lily exchanged a meaningful look and Marshall straightened. “Well, Barney, as a matter of fact,”
“He stubbed his toe,” Lily cut in.
“Yea, and then you stepped on it!” Marshall stopped on his quest to the bar to respond to Lily. I rolled my eyes and continued to the bar while Barney slid into the booth next to Robin, who quickly adjusted her hair.
“You’re exaggerating it anyway. You’re only limping to get attention.” Lily countered.
Marshall was taken aback. “Why does no one ever believe it when someone has a foot injury? I’m telling you, Lily, my toe is broken and it’s because you stepped on it.”
“Marshall-!“
“No, Marshall’s got a point,” Barney cut in, shaking his finger in thought. I returned with the drinks and Marshall and I sat back down. “It’s always difficult for one to accept an injury done to the foot or ankle region. I call it Pedestrianepticism.”
I tilted my head as I sounded it out.. “What?”
“Pedestrian and skepticism. It’s a name in progress. The point is that while a broken arm or finger is easy to believe, someone breaking their ankle or toe is often ignored by everyone until the x-ray results come back. Case in point: my 10th birthday. I was a promising young boy with the looks and the charm to go the distance. I, like any true winner, wanted to have a Batman themed party, complete with Batman plates, a working light-up Batman signal, and free lessons in flying being held on the roof.”
Lily laughed. “Wow, Barney, I knew your mom wasn’t always totally there, but she actually let you teach flying on the roof?”
“No, my mother passed out in the first 20 minutes after drinking too much homemade Batman punch, the flying lessons were my own brilliant invention. So I gathered everyone on the roof and decided to give them a demonstration. You know, to show them how a real pro goes about flying. So I ran off the roof.”
Robin gasped and put her hand on Barney’s arm. “What happened?”
Barney glanced at the hand, smirked, and straightened. “What do you think happened? I flew.”
Marshall shook his head. “Come on Barney, we all know the only people who can fly are the real Batman, Peter Pan, and Jedi Knights. You couldn’t have possibly flown.”
“Oh, but I did. I flew straight into the deck below and broke my foot.” Everyone winced. “I told everyone it was broken, but did they believe me? No. I had to walk on that broken foot for 3 years before I had a check up and the doctor gave me an x-ray. 3 years!”
“That’s not possible,” Marshall said. “You couldn’t have walked on something that painful for so long.”
Barney laughed and adjusted his tie. “Oh, Marshall, when will you learn that with me, anything’s possimpible.” Barney took a drink. “Also, it was 3 days, as I’ve know remembered, but the point is still clear.”
“Marshall,” Lily started nervously, “maybe he’s right. I mean, you remember that time you broke your ankle when you were camping with your family and no one believed you? They made you walk on it for a week before they finally took you in.”
“No, my dad knew it was broken. He just wanted the pain of it to cleanse the weakness from my body.” And then Marshall took a drink. “Man, I should really send that guy an ecard.”
Lily stared at Marshall for a few more seconds and nodded, having made a personal decision. “Alright, Marshall, let’s go,” she said as she stood up and started pulling at him to follow.
“Go? Go where?” Marshall protested as he held onto his drink.
“To the hospital. We’re getting you an x-ray.”
Marshall stood up. “Well it’s about time!” He winked at Barney who raised his glass.
“Yea, I think I’m going to follow you guys out,” I said as I stood up from my chair. “I’ve got a proposal I have to present tomorrow and I want to go over it.”
We all said our goodbyes to Robin and Barney and walked out the door. Barney slid over to the opposite side of the booth with his glass. “So how was your day, Sherbatsky?”
“Oh my day was, you know,” she stopped and looked around the bar.
Barney gave her a confused expression. “Alright…”
Robin looked back at Barney. This is what she didn’t like about love: it made things awkward. She sighed and smiled. “So, Jack called.”
Barney’s grip on his glass reached dangerous levels. “What? I’ll kill him. What did he want? His ass handed to him again, huh? Didn’t have enough of Barney Stinson the first time did he?”
Robin started laughing. “No, I’m sorry, he didn’t call. I just wanted to see what your reaction would be.”
Barney relaxed and deflated a little. “Oh. Still, I would’ve shown him.”
“Like you ‘showed him’ last night?”
“Hey, I was just getting warmed up. If you had waited a few more minutes I would’ve really been wailing on him.” Barney did a few punches in the air.
Robin laughed again. “Yea, maybe, but I figured I valued your consciousness over your pride.”
Barney smiled. “Really? That’s sweet.”
They smiled at each other and then looked around. Robin thought of something of interest, started to get an idea, and laughed. Barney put down his drink and swallowed. “What?”
Robin kept laughing quietly and shook her head. “Nothing, it’s a dumb idea.”
Barney laughed along. “Come on, what?”
Robin looked at him with a smile and nodded. “Ok, I’ve got an idea for a game.”
“Is it anything like extreme battleship, because you know I’m going to win at that.”
Robin shook her head. “No, it’s not that. It’s a proposition. A challenge. Something to weigh up our skills, because the night is young and I’m bored.”
Barney raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
“It’s a race to the number. You pick a guy for me, I pick a girl for you, whoever can get a number first wins.”
Barney laughed. “Robin, this is child’s play. Do you know how many numbers I get a night? You wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“The number has to be real.”
“In that case, you’re on. What’s the prize?”
“I don’t know, how about… the last one to get a number has to buy the other dinner.”
Barney nodded. “A small prize for a small win, but I say we raise the stakes.”
Robin leaned over the table. “Oh? To what?”
“Dinner for a number, but whoever can get an invitation home gets a wild card.”
“What’s a wild card?”
“It’s wild, that’s the point. It can be whatever the winner chooses.”
“Like…?”
Barney shrugged. “Like $100, like laundry done for a week, like a night with the loser, like whatever he or she wants.” He nodded to Robin, daring her to accept.
Robin smiled and extended her hand. “Challenge accepted.” And they shook on it. “Alright, so pick a guy for me; I’ve already got a girl for you.”
“Yea, who?” Barney asked and Robin pointed over to a blonde standing by the jukebox.
“Ouch, blonde with boots, booze and boobs, nice eye.”
Robin beamed. “Thank you.”
Barney looked around the bar and motioned to someone standing by the door. “Ok, that guy.”
Robin looked over to see the nerd adjusting his glasses. “Ew, not that guy.”
“What? He looks like a perfectly pleasant conversationalist.”
“You can see his pocket protector from here. How about that guy?” Robin gestured over to a jock standing at the bar.
Barney looked him up and down and shook his head. “Too much muscle.”
Robin scoffed. “Well that girl has way too much boob, but you don’t hear me complaining.”
Barney blinked and gave Robin another confused expression. “I understand ‘too much’, and I know the word ‘boob’, but when you put them together, it’s just jibberish.” Robin crossed her arms. “Ok fine, but if he turns out to be a jerk, just know I’m not beating another guy up for you again.”
“You didn’t beat a guy up for me in the first place.” Robin said with a grin.
“Low blow, Sherbatsky! I was going to let you win, but now it’s on.” Barney downed the last of his scotch, nodded at Robin, and got up to plan his approach to the blondie at the jukebox.
For the next few minutes, they both worked their chosen ‘dates’, neither one striking out but neither one all that into it, either. While listening all about the great sport of baseball, Robin looked over at how Barney was doing with the girl. He was giving her the coy treatment and she was eating it up. Robin sighed and looked back at her guy, who hadn’t noticed a thing. After the ninth minute of his 45 minute long lecture on the pros and cons of touch football versus flag football, Robin cut in.
“Hey, sorry, give me just a minute, I’ve remembered I have to touch base with someone.” She smiled.
The guy nodded. “Oh yea sure, go ahead.”
Robin walked outside and pulled out her phone. A few seconds later, Barney’s phone started to ring. He held up a hand to pause the girl he was flirting with and looked down. “Just a sec,” he said as he flipped open the phone. “Go for Barney.”
“Hey there gorgeous, how’s blondie doing?”
“Hey mom, how are you?” The girl standing next to Barney ‘aww’ed and Barney smiled. He put a hand almost over the mouth of the phone. “It’s my mom, she calls when she gets lonely. It’ll just be a minute.”
“The momma’s boy angle, huh? That doesn’t look too promising, you know. She probably won’t be into half the stuff I could do to you.”
“Yes, I remember your story about Fluffy. I hope he didn’t wake you up again last night!”
“Or half the stuff my guy would be willing to do to me tonight, that’s for sure. Did you know that he can bench 200 ‘kilowatts’? I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m sure I can find a position it’ll be useful for.”
Barney laughed a very constrictive sounding laugh. “No, I don’t think he has feline leukemia, he’s just a little lazy in the spring time.”
“I’m trying to think of what I want my wild card to be. You know, you’d be the second guy to give me a wild card tonight, because this guy’s begging to give me one, too.”
Barney squeaked. “Love you too, mom. I’ll talk to you tonight.”
Robin smiled and hung up. She adjusted her dress and walked back into the bar and up to her guy. She threw a glance at Barney, who was still holding his phone to his ear as he watched her enter.
“Are you ok?” the blonde asked with concern as she put her arm on Barney’s shoulder.
Barney blinked and smiled. “Yea, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You just sounded so tense on the phone.” She said as she started rubbing Barney’s shoulder.
Barney nodded. “Yea, it’s just… my mother’s relationship with her cat is very… moving.”
“Oh that’s so sweet!”
“Fluffy just had an appointment with the Vet today. He has feline leukemia.” The girl gasped. “I know I should tell my mother, but,” Barney lowered his head and wiped a tear away that wasn’t there. “I just can’t stand to hurt her any more than her own leukemia already has.”
“Wow. They both have feline leukemia? That’s so beautiful.”
Barney, knowing instinctually that he’d struck gold with this bimbo, looked up to see Robin flirting with her stranger. She was crossing her legs and leaning over the bar: a good move. Shows off the legs and the cleavage. If this guy knows anything, he’ll ask her out in the next 5 seconds. Barney sighed, turned back to his bimbo, and nodded sadly. “Yes, it’s tragic.”
Robin smiled and nodded as the guy opposite her started going into his next field of interest: miniature soldiers.
“So, you collect toy soldiers? That must be fun, I’d love to see that collection.”
“They’re not toys they’re miniatures, and I don’t just collect them, I make them and paint them, it’s a very precise art.”
“Ah.” Robin said and she drifted off again as he went into further detail. She felt her phone ring and looked down to see the number. She smiled at her stranger and apologized. “Sorry, just a second.” She accepted the call. “Hello?”
“You look so hot in that dress that I’m pretty sure you would be arrested in at least 9 of the 15 and a half bible belt states.”
Robin stared at the empty space next to the jukebox that used to be Barney and smiled. “Hey, Vicki, long time no see, how are you?” she responded in an especially lusty voice.
“Slightly lesbian angle. Very nice. Torturous for him and me. You’re a sly one.”
Robin laughed. “No, I miss you more, sexy. Are you coming by the bar tonight?”
“Well, I was just calling to tell you that I have a number. I had to come out here and check on my poor dying mother and then I’m going back to get an invite to this closet-kinky girl’s place. I hope things are going well with Mr. 200 Kilowatts over there.”
“Vicki! Not now, I’m in public.” Robin giggled.
“Sorry, I couldn’t contain myself. I’ll go take my urges out on a random blonde and let you be.”
Robin hung up and turned back to Mr. 200 Kilowatts, who had stopped staring at himself in the bar mirror to stare at Robin. She shrugged and smiled. “Sorry, that was an old… friend.”
Another 15 minutes passed and the game continued. Once again, Robin remembered a call she had to make to another old ‘friend’ Trisha and made her way outside. This time Barney saw her start and suddenly remembered he had to call Fluffy’s groomer to set up a meeting. Robin stood outside and stared at her phone and was surprised to hear a ringtone behind her after pushing ‘send’. She turned around to see Barney opening his phone.
“Hello?” He grinned.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I was trying to reach an unusually attractive guy in a suit. I must’ve dialed the wrong number.” Robin grinned back.
That’s when Barney finally snapped, and before Robin knew it she was stuck between the wall of McLaren’s and the suit of Barney Stinson, who was currently running his tongue along her top molars. They remained in this position for longer than I’d care to say, and they eventually reemerged for breath.
Amidst her struggle for breath, Robin managed to laugh. “So, I guess you forfeit the challenge?”
Barney leaned to the side and looked in through the window. “It looks like the challenge has finished itself.”
Robin turned to look and saw that Barney’s blonde was sucking face with her jock. She laughed and turned back to Barney. “Well, I guess you won then.”
“Yea, and he lost. Suck on that!” Barney yelled at the window.
“No, I mean you got her number, right? So you’re the highest scorer.”
“Oh, right.” Barney winced. “Actually, that was a lie, I was just trying to trip you up.”
Robin gasped. “Barney Stinson! Cheating at a game, how could you? So I guess no one got a wild card, huh?”
Barney raised an eyebrow at Robin. “I don’t know, the night’s young.” Robin grinned and Barney felt his confidence rise. “So, you want to come back to my place and play some Extreme Battleship, my rules?”
He looked at Robin hopefully and a few seconds of thought later she smiled and nodded. “As long as I can win this one.”
Barney squeaked again and turned towards the street to hail a taxi.
Now, Readers, I don’t usually like to go into this part of any story, but I guess you’re all old enough now to know, well, how the world works, and in this situation it’s important to know the whole truth. Robin and Barney went to Barney’s apartment to, shall we say, play extreme Battleship. The way I’ve heard it told was Robin was, shall we say, letting Barney get hits on her battleships all over the place, and just when it was getting heated and Barney was about to find the last hit on Robin’s horizontally placed air carrier, this happened.
“Sherbatsky, I love you!”
“What?!” Robin exclaimed. The game of battleship ended immediately in a stalemate and Barney was pushed off as Robin sat up.
Barney blinked for a few minutes, unable to make the connections of what had just happened. Then he realized. By this time, Robin was gathering her things and redressing. “Aaaaaah, no, Robin, I’m sorry, wait.”
Robin went in search for her shoes. She spotted one on top of the porn bookcase and stood on her toes to get it.
“Don’t leave I, I didn’t mean it,” Barney winced as he said it. “I just, forgot who I was talking to. I lie about that all the time that I, um, don’t even know when I’m saying it…” For the first time since his self-transformation, Barney felt the pangs of self-hatred. But he hated seeing Robin pulling her shoe out from the remains of his broken lamp more. “Really, I was just so into that I… forgot where I was.”
Robin stood up straight, her clothes and possessions back in tact, and looked at Barney, who looked like a kicked puppy. “Barney, it’s not…” She sighed and shook her head. “I have to go.” She turned and walked out the door.
Barney let out a yell and punched the wall. After a few minutes of self-pity, he realized what he had to do. He put himself back together and made a phone call.
An hour later there was a knock on his door. He absentmindedly opened it as he walked to the couch and sat down.
“Barney, we’re really going to have to stop these middle of the night ‘You have to come over now’ phone calls, I’m getting too old for this stuff.”
“Hi, Lily.”
“Don’t you ‘Hi, Lily’ me,” Lily responded in her best mom voice. “I want you to explain why I had to take a cab here at one in the morning and explain it now!”
Barney winced. “I messed it all up.”
“You messed what all up?”
Barney jumped off the couch and started pacing. “Robin! I messed things up with Robin! Now she’s never going to talk to me again.”
Lily dropped her purse and walked over with concern. “Why? What did you do?”
Barney shook his head. “I told her I loved her.”
A few seconds of silence passed. Then Lily burst out laughing. “Barney, that’s exactly what you were supposed to do!”
“Well it obviously wasn’t because she stormed out of here!”
Lily’s smile disappeared. “She did?”
“Yes!”
“Well that’s weird.”
Barney looked at Lily. “Why? She obviously doesn’t feel anything like that for me.”
Lily shook her head and stepped forward to put a reassuring hand on Barney’s arm and guide him back to sitting on the couch. “That’s probably not true.”
“How do you know?”
“I just… look, I think there’s something else upsetting her.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, maybe it’s how much you’re messing around?”
Barney stood back up and walked a few feet away. “It always comes back to that with you.”
“Well, if you’re going to be in love with Robin, then it’s a problem!”
“No, Lily, it isn’t. I love Robin, I really do. But you know what else I love? The world. And do you know whom the world deserves? Barney Stinson: maker of awesome. And that Barney Stinson does what he wants, and if messing around is one of them, then so be it.”
Lily stood up in frustration. “If either of you ever gets over how selfish you are, you’d make a really great couple.”
Barney threw his hands up in the air. “Again with the couple! You’re not getting it!”
Lily crossed her arms. “Obviously, I’m not.”
Barney looked at Lily and sighed. “Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re just trying to help, and you drove all the way out here to help me get my worthless self out of my own messed up situation. I appreciate it, I really do, but… I’m not Marshall. And Robin’s not you. And I really appreciate your advice, but I can’t do it your way anymore.” Barney grabbed his coat and headed for the door.
Lily turned to as he walked off. “Wait, that’s it? Where are you going?”
Barney turned back to Lily when he was at the door and put on his coat. He shrugged. “I’m going my own way. Thanks for leading me this far, Lily, I can take it from here.”
He turned and walked out, leaving a very confused Lily in his apartment. Aggravated, she said a few choice words and kicked at the air a few times. She then relaxed and looked at the giant plasma television on the wall in front of her. She shrugged, sat on the couch, and flipped it on.
There was a knock on the door of Robin and Ted’s apartment. Robin had been sitting on the couch staring at nothing for awhile now, so she was closest to the door. She opened it to find the man whose apartment she’d stormed out of earlier that evening.
“Before you slam the door!” Barney started as soon as the door was opening. “Just hear me out.” Robin looked at him expectantly and Barney’s mind shifted gears. This was really it. Well, no turning back now.
“Robin, I love you.” Robin looked away and Barney winced. “I’m sorry, I know that’s probably something you don’t want to hear, but it’s the truth. I didn’t forget where I was earlier or who I was with, I knew exactly what was happening and I just couldn’t lie another second. I love you so much that sometimes it’s actually physically painful. I love the things you say, love the clothes you wear, love the jokes you make, I’m even starting to love that you’re Canadian, and that terrifies me even more than all this terrifies you, I can guarantee it.” Barney thought he saw a hint of a smile on Robin’s lips but it quickly faded.
“But I also know that you’re smart, funny, beautiful, the whole package, and you’ve got so much ahead of you and that I have no business being here on your front door step. I lie, I mess around, I’ll probably be arrested and thrown into a Turkish prison some day, I’m not the kind of guy who would ever even have a chance with you. So please, live your life, do who and what you want, don’t answer to anyone, you’re your own woman. At this point, all I want from you is, I don’t know, 5 minutes from your day. If I could just be lucky enough to see you for 5 minutes everyday it’ll be more than I’ve ever deserved and I’ll be happy. If I can have that and one day your forgiveness for all of this, I’ll be ecstatic.” Barney sighed, looked down at his feet, and back up at Robin. “You’re the perfect woman. You can slam the door in my face now.”
And with that he turned and walked down the hallway. After a few steps, the gravity of what he just did sunk in and he felt like he’d had another punch in the ribs. He felt liberated, exhilarated, but mostly depressed and terrified. He reached the end of his slow walk down the hallway and thought all about how he was about to descend the stairs and drink himself dumb alone in his own apartment. He felt so lonely right then that was actually starting to hallucinate, thinking he heard footsteps running behind him.
Suddenly, Barney found himself between the wall of the apartment hallway and the dress of Robin Sherbatsky, whose tongue was seeking retribution for the earlier sinking of a battleship. As quickly as it attacked, Robin’s tongue retreated, and Barney opened his eyes slowly to see the face of the most beautiful woman in the world mere inches away from his own.
“I love you, too,” the face said.
Barney’s eyes widened and he took in a breath to say something, but Robin put her hand up to stop him.
“Just, don’t get all mushy about it. I believe we were playing a game of battleship?”
Barney grinned and pulled her closer. “Oh, Sherbatsky. I knew what I was doing, falling for you.”
Robin grinned back. “Hit.”
And that’s the story of how Barney and Robin found love. And why I can’t play Battleship anymore. It just feels so… dirty…
End.
xposted to barneyrobin and himym_fic .