The Love Below - Chapter Ten
Title: The Love Below
Characters: L/Mello/Near; this chapter is Near-centric
Rating: M
Word Count: ~5,500
Spoilers: For now, Mello and Near's real names. Possibly others along the way.
Summary: Mello and Near are competing for L's title. Are they also competing for his love?
Author’s Note:
This chapter is epic. Like, originally I’d planned to have the events that occur here play out over the course of three chapters. I decided to compress them into one, though, so...yeah. Lots of things going on. :)
I think readers will appreciate this one. The true heart of the story starts here. *is excited* And I’m quite proud of this chapter, if I do say so myself. I don’t know what was up, but something was working overtime in my head as I was writing. :)
Enjoy!
***
Chapter Ten - Assisted Understanding
“...For I know not how it came, nor when it began; but crept, crept it has..."
- Samuel Richardson
Near was quite enjoying his alone time. For these few hours, he could do nothing that he didn’t want to do and everything that he did. Near often thought that he was lucky that the things that made him happiest were things that were easily accessible. Books were readily available in Wammy’s House. So were toys and puzzles. That was all Near wanted, and so he was content. It would be unfortunate if, instead of knowledge and games, all Near wanted to do was skydive...
Near was working with blocks again today, building skyscrapers. He liked to see how high they could go before becoming unstable and falling away.
He had one at waist height when there came a knock on his door.
“Enter,” Near called, still building.
The door opened to reveal Mello, shuffling his feet and looking around uncertainly.
“Near...” Mello said, biting his lip. He looked uncharacteristically reluctant...usually Mello charged headlong into things, giving very little thought to the consequences.
Near’s mind immediately began firing off possible reasons for his hesitancy. Was Mello having trouble with something? Classes, perhaps? Trouble with some kind of depression again? He seemed to be moving past that fairly quickly since L returned...
“Near...” Mello began again. “Can I...talk to you about something?”
Near nodded. He pushed aside the pile of blocks before him, making a space for Mello to sit.
Mello closed the door behind himself. He came into the clearing that Near had made, crossing his legs at the ankle and sinking down onto the floor, Indian style. He didn’t meet Near’s eyes, looking instead at the floor between them. His brows were furrowed deeply.
Near waited. It seemed that Mello had something of great importance on his mind. Asking him to spit it out might only make him more uncertain.
Still gazing at the floor, Mello frowned and shook his head, as though he was trying to dislodge a particularly unpleasant thought.
Taking a deep breath, he finally said, “I need your advice.”
Near was instantly uncomfortable. Anything worrisome enough to drive Mello to ask for Near’s help could not be something easily solved. In fact, Near felt it was safe to assume that he would be troubled greatly by whatever it was.
“I see.” Near replied, resigned. “Concerning?”
Mello sighed. He shook his head, turning to look out the window.
This was getting tiresome. Mello wanted to talk to Near, so why wasn’t he talking? Near was patient, as a general rule. He could wait out most anything. That was when waiting would not interfere with other, more enjoyable activities, however. Near didn’t have endless hours of free time (much as he sometimes wished he did) and watching Mello refuse to speak was not very high on his list of pleasant pastimes.
Just as Near was about to prompt Mello to explain himself again, though, Mello abruptly turned away from the window to face him.
“The whole thing is completely ridiculous!” Mello exclaimed suddenly. “It’s insane! I must be out of my mind!”
Near wasn’t sure that really explained anything, but listening to this was far better than listening to silence.
“Honestly!” Mello continued, standing up again. He began pacing to and fro in front of Near, looking like something caged. “I mean, I’ve only just turned twelve! It makes no sense!”
Near made a small “hmm” sound. He thought that Mello was being unnecessarily dramatic. Although...drama, necessary or otherwise, had always been a substantial part of Mello’s character.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this. But then, how can I not? I’ll die! I know it!”
Near felt compelled to end Mello’s tirade. They would never get anywhere if this continued, and Near really did need his playtime. He became truly unbearable without it...
“Mello,” he said. “Do calm down. Sit. Explain.”
Mello stopped in his pacing, blinking rapidly. He seemed to have forgotten that Near was even in the room.
“Right.” he said vaguely, almost to himself. “Right. I’ll just...sit. Right.”
He sat down again, still looking a bit lost. He watched Near with unseeing eyes.
“Now,” said Near, speaking as crisply as he ever did. “Explain. Why did you feel the need to seek out my advice?”
“I...” Mello began. He seemed to be coming back to himself somewhat. “I...I don’t really know...well, I mean...This is really weird. I can’t believe I’m asking you about this...”
Near was losing his tolerance for this. Mello really needed to explain himself, preferably in full sentences and preferably within the next hour.
“The thing is...” said Mello. “Well, I...I don’t really...I don’t really know...”
“What, Mello? What don’t you know?”
“Oh bloody hell. Fine!” Mello said, reverting, seemingly on a dime, back to his ranting. “Here it is: I don’t really know L that well and I want you to tell me about him. There, I said it! Satisfied?”
There had been exactly two moments in Near’s life when he had felt completely dumbfounded. Once when he was four and another time when he was seven. Now, at ten years of age, this might well be the third.
Mello was glaring at him, as though Near was to blame for his predicament. His arms were folded over his chest, legs shoulder width apart. He looked defensive. Looked ready for a fight.
What was Near supposed to say? Mello wanted advice...about L? He wanted Near to tell him about the man? But...
“But Mello,” Near said. “You already know L. You’ve known him for years now. Why do you need me to tell you about him?”
Mello’s whole body seemed to deflate at this question. He unfolded his arms and slumped, shoulders rounded.
“Because I don’t know him. Not really. Not the way you do.” he said.
Near boggled. He didn’t much enjoy feeling confused, and Mello seemed determined to make him so.
Mello took one look at Near’s expression and rolled his eyes.
“Come on, Near.” he said. “I know you don’t pay attention to other human beings, but really. You must know this, if nothing else.”
Near must have persisted looking baffled. Mello huffed out an exasperated breath and continued.
“You understand L. You get him, I can see it. Sometimes he says something, and you nod, like you had the very same thought. You look at him and I can see the understanding in your eyes. You guys are on the same wavelength, or you’re naturally attuned to each other or something. You must be aware of it.”
In truth, Near really wasn’t. He could guess at some of the reasons behind L’s actions, certainly. He occasionally understood what L meant by a look, or a cryptic comment. But he didn’t feel as though he really understood L, not the way that Mello meant. L was a mystery, essentially. Near doubted he even understood himself.
“Mello...I don’t think...”
“Near, I may not memorize atomic orbital configurations as fast as you, but I can see people. I can see people, and I can see how they relate to each other. That’s where I will always win. And I know that you understand L. I know you’re closer to L than anyone else.”
Near didn’t know how to respond. He had really never given the subject any thought. Maybe he did understand L. Maybe not. He would have to give the matter more consideration to decide.
“Why do you care about this, Mello?” Near asked. “Whether I understand L or not, why does it matter?”
“I’ve already told you.” said Mello. “I want you to tell me about him.”
“But why?”
Mello was back to watching the ground instead of Near. He sighed. “Because I want to understand...I want to understand L the way you do.”
On the surface, the words were wholly innocuous. Mello simply wanted to understand L better. Near admitted, it did seem wrong to know someone for nearly four years and still feel as though they were a stranger. But there was something in the way that Mello said the words that made Near question Mello’s motivations.
Mello sounded...he sounded guilty.
There were two reasons Near could see to explain this. The first was that Mello was guilty for something that had already happened. He could simply be ashamed for feeling so strongly about L while knowing virtually nothing of the man’s true self. It must feel horrible, Near supposed, to want someone that way and feel as though someone else understood them in a way that you couldn’t.
The second reason...Mello felt guilty for something that hadn’t happened yet but would happen in the future. But what could that something be? Mello was coming to Near, seemingly to gather information. In preparation for something? But the only that Near could imagine Mello preparing for was...No. No, surely not.
“Mello, I don’t know if I am really qualified to explain L to you.” Near said. “But you seem certain that I am, so perhaps its true. I’ll listen to your questions...but don’t assume that I have any confidence in the answers.”
Mello nodded. “I’m half certain that you’re only pretending to doubt yourself. It’s so obvious that you know him. But whatever, if you’ll help me, that’s all that matters. There’s really only a few things I really need...”
“First thing’s first,” he said, returning to his seat on the floor. “How old is L?”
“Mello, you know that.” Near answered.
“I think I know. But I want to be sure. How old is he?”
“L turned twenty-two last Halloween.” Near said.
Mello nodded to himself, turning the answer around in his mind. He eventually murmured something that sounded like “ten years.”
Near didn’t like the direction of that thought process.
“Next,” said Mello. “When did L begin looking for successors?”
Near sighed. These questions seemed inconsequential. “As far as I know, he’s been looking forever. When I first came to Wammy’s, there had already been others vying for the position. Obviously none of them worked out in the end. From what I can gather, at least one of them turned out quite badly.”
“I’ve heard rumors.” Mello said, nodding. “Do you think it’s safe to assume that L feels... responsible?”
Near almost laughed. “I think it’s safe to assume that L feels responsible for everything, Mello.”
Mello didn’t seem happy with that bit. His mouth drew into a grim line.
“But he must...” Mello began, hesitant again. “L must...be a person under all that responsibility. He must do things that are...fun...sometimes.”
“We all do, I suppose.” Near mused. “He derives enough pleasure from sweet things...”
“What about...what about any...attachments? Does L have anyone he’s attached to?”
“Well, I’m sure he’s attached to Mr. Wammy.” Near said. “He always goes with L whenever he travels for a case. Has done for years.”
Mello rolled his eyes again, this time disgustedly, as though he thought that Near was being juvenile.
“Any other attachments? People that aren’t directly related to L’s employment, maybe?” Mello asked, with deliberate patience.
Ah. So that was what Mello was getting at.
“I don’t know about that, Mello.” Near said. “L wouldn’t talk about them if there were, and I wouldn’t ask, regardless.”
“I thought as much.” Mello sighed. “I just needed to...to cover all bases...”
“Mello,” Near injected. “What are you planning? I have ideas, and none of them seem particularly wise or profitable.”
“Not wise, definitely.” said Mello, standing up again. He crossed the room and pulled the door open.
Turning back to look at Near over his shoulder, Mello said, “But the potential for profit is very, very great.”
Then he gave a small, rueful grin, and left.
Near resumed his building, mentally reviewing the conversation as did. He was getting the strangest feeling that he had just given secrets to the enemy.
***
One week later, Near had an exam in his Advanced Italian class. He did as well as he’d expected to (something, incidentally, that he’d also expected). The questions were chiefly vocabulary, which made things fairly simple. And Near had always been comfortable with languages anyway.
Near left his classroom after the test feeling quite at ease. This was the last test of the semester, since fall classes would be ending that week. Near had only two more classes to complete, and then he would be facing two weeks of leisure before the New Year. He was completely confident about these classes as well; they were very straightforward. So far, everything pointed toward a smooth and comfortable Winter break.
Walking down the corridor to the stairs, Near occupied himself by considering what gifts he would likely receive for Christmas. He had long since discovered that Mr. Wammy had been a wildly successful inventor before he founded his orphanages and he knew that the man was exceedingly generous with his wealth. Despite this knowledge, Near never considered exploiting that generosity. When lists to Santa were passed around, Near would always write down only one item. This was invariably a toy of some kind, and relatively inexpensive. Near was easy to please, and he even took pride in the fact. Maybe that newly released Lego set...
Near’s happy consideration of Christmas presents, however, was not to last. When he was almost to the stairs, his attention was pulled away by the sight of a blond head ducking into a room at the very end of the hallway. There was only one person at Wammy’s with hair that golden...
Near considered the situation. He didn’t know why Mello should be sneaking (for he was plainly trying to remain unseen) around the mansion, especially while classes were still in session. Mello was the hardest working child at Wammy’s. He would never be caught outside of a classroom during exam time unless there was something of great importance elsewhere. Monumental importance.
Near had to wonder why. First Mello’s request for information about L and now this? What was going on?
Near did have an idea, but he was loathe to consider it. The thought couldn’t remain articulated in his mind before Near began to feel vaguely ill.
Maybe there was nothing to connect these two occurrences. Near could be over-analyzing...
No. There was definitely a connection. Near’s unwillingness to consider it didn’t negate the connection’s existence. The only uncertainty here was whether Near had the stomach to investigate, and see what it was.
Before he could allow himself to change his mind, Near resolutely set off.
There were boys and girls scattered about, all rushing to leave the second floor and get downstairs to lunch. Exam days were always frenetic and Near took advantage of this fact, moving between the children and using them as cover.
When he got to the end of the hallway, Near saw that the door Mello had slipped past was ajar slightly. It was almost unnaturally fortunate. Reconnaissance would be much easier now, since sound would carry.
Near stopped in front the door, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. If Mello unexpectedly left the room, Near would simply begin walking, pretending that he was leaving class late. It wouldn’t be the first time, after all.
The corridor was nearly empty now, only one or two students were leaving now. Near stood as close the door as he dared, taking care not to be seen.
Suddenly, he heard Mello’s voice.
“What are you working on?”
Near wondered how it was possible that Mello could manage to sound both tentative and assertive at once. It was strangely characteristic of him as a person, now that he thought about it. Was Mello talking to himself? Was there someone else in the room with him?
The answer came all too quickly.
“A case in Guam...” a low, thoughtful voice answered.
L sounded distracted, which was odd. He usually made a point of giving his full attention to Mello and Near whenever they were with him.
“Is there anything I can help you with?” L continued. “You and Near aren’t due to see me for a while yet.”
Near could hear the subtle sounds of L chewing on something. He wanted desperately to peek into the crack of the open door, but he knew that doing so would instantly give himself away. Even if Mello missed him, L was hyper-observant every moment of every day. L would surely see.
“There’s nothing, really.” came Mello’s voice. “I just thought that we could talk?”
Near knew that Mello had meant his last sentence to be declarative. It sounded, though, more like a question. He waited for L’s reply, but none was forthcoming. All Near could hear was more chewing, interspersed with sounds of tea being slurped. Then, finally:
“Yes. We can talk.”
There were sounds of shuffling papers, then, and the creak of someone sitting down on an old chair.
“Is there anything you’d like?” asked L. “There’s tea. Biscuits?”
Near heard Mello make a sound in the negative. “I’m fine.”
“What is it, Mello? I don’t suppose you came here to chat idly. Incidentally, how did you know I was here?” L asked. Was it Near’s imagination, or did he seem to be forcing his voice steady? “Students only know about my office on the third floor.”
“Most students aren’t genii of my calibre.” answered Mello. Again, his words and voice were cocky, but there was also a distinct undercurrent of uncertainty in them.
After the briefest of hesitations, Mello continued.
“Most students don’t watch you the way I do.”
Something in Near froze at those words. He didn’t let himself run, though the option became sorely tempting. This was just what he’d feared. When he’d considered the situation earlier, though, it was Mello he’d been worried for. Strange how right now...L seemed to garner more of Near’s concern...
No sound came from the room after Mello made his statement. Near could no longer hear L eating or drinking anything. He could picture L sitting, eyes wide, teacup raised halfway to his mouth. No, no that wouldn’t be right. Maybe L would look at Mello with sad eyes, like he sometimes did, knowing what was happening and unable to stop it. L wouldn’t look surprised. L already knew. L always already knew.
Still there were no words. Perhaps L was weighing his response. What would L say? Would he pretend that Mello’s words weren’t what they were? Would he pretend to misunderstand? Would he meet them with a firm but gentle refusal? Would he reprimand Mello for even considering...? Near’s thoughts tumbled over and over themselves as he waited for the answer. When it finally came, he realized that none of his choices were correct. Or maybe it was that all of them were.
“Mello...would you like a piece of chocolate?”
Near presumed that Mello nodded. He heard the faint crackling of candy wrapper and then the snap of a bite.
That was L’s response? To offer Mello sweets? Surely there would be more. L couldn’t leave it at that.
Near was surprised to find himself nervous about the outcome. What if Mello succeeded? What if...what if L wanted him to?
A gaping pit seemed to open in front of Near. He could accept that Mello had feelings for L. He always had, really. But for L to actually return them...the thought had never yet crossed Near’s mind. And now that it did...he felt...
“Mello, I...” L began. “I’ve researched the backgrounds of every student at Wammy’s. I know every child’s history...or as much of it as was available when they were invited to live here. Every one is an orphan, but every one is unique. Every one has a story.”
Mello didn’t respond. Near knew he was listening to L’s words as closely as Near himself was.
“Your story was hardest to uncover...” continued L. “There were very few records of your parents, and nothing from any of the foster homes...no one seemed eager to tell us about your past.”
L’s voice was so soft, softer than Near had ever heard it.
“I was suspicious, and I looked into each and every place you’d been. What I found wasn’t surprising...but that didn’t make the knowledge any more pleasant to bear.”
Mello piped up after that.
“L, I really don’t want to talk about this.” he said in a rush. “The past is past. That is done, and now I’m here. With you.”
“But the past is darkening your present, Mello.” L replied, and for a moment Near heard steel in his voice. “You aren’t yet a teenager, and I am well into adulthood. I am not a peer, I am not friend. There are not words to describe the distances in our status. I understand that you care for me. But how am I to see your feelings without the shadow of what you’ve endured behind them?”
Near heard the scrape of chair legs against the floor. He wondered if Mello had stood up abruptly.
“That has nothing to do with this. He was...he was vile and cold and rough and cruel. You aren’t anything like that, L. You are kind and thoughtful and intelligent. You are good. I know that what happened to me was bad, but it wasn’t half as bad as it could have been. And I’m okay now. I’ve accepted that it’s a part of my history and I’ve put it behind me.”
“Mello, it’s not that simple.”
“It is!” said Mello emphatically. He was just short of shouting. “This is how I feel. That’s it. Am I supposed to hide from my feelings because of something that happened seven years ago? What kind of person would I be, what kind of life would I have, if I let myself do that? I want you, L. It’s God’s honest truth, and I’d feel that way with or without the influence of Steven Yates!”
“Mello, put yourself in my position. What kind of person would I be if I gave you what you want? How could I ever feel justified?”
“What justification do we need?” asked Mello, sounding cajoling. “Isn’t this its own justification?”
For Near, time seemed to stop. For two heartbeats, his whole world was held in suspension. The only idea in his mind was the possibility of L and Mello coming together. This was the moment. If it was to happen, it could happen now. The image of L and Mello embracing swam behind his eyes, and Near felt a flash of jealousy.
And like lightening, Near swiftly realized that it was not jealousy of the person he’d expected.
When L’s answer came, Near heard it as if from a distance. His realization was taking him over, and everything around him suddenly seemed muted.
“No, Mello.” L said. “No. There is more to this than you see. There are consequences to what you are proposing, ones that will be permanent. For you...and for me. I can’t allow it. I will not.”
“But what am I supposed to do?” Mello cried. “You don’t know what it’s like! I think about you all the time! I can’t sleep with all the dreams I’ve been having! I see you and my mind shuts down and my body starts up! What am I supposed to do?”
“You’re young, Mello. Those feelings will fade.”
Near heard Mello sigh deeply, along with the sound of approaching footsteps. Panic and the fear of discovery ran dimly through him.
As Near hurried away, he heard the sound of Mello’s voice saying, “No, L...they won’t.”
***
Near breathed a sigh of relief when he was safely back inside his room. Even if Mello hadn’t been about to leave, Near was sure he wouldn’t have been able to stay much longer. He didn’t think that his mind would be able to handle it. There was too much going on in that room...too much to take in. Near needed to get away from there to work through all that he’d heard. He needed to think.
But where to begin? So much had just changed. So much was still changing. How could Near ever hope to understand?!
No, he could understand. He knew he could. Near just had to start from the beginning, and think everything through until he came to the end.
The beginning, then. What did Near know? He knew that Mello approached L, while L was alone and without Near’s knowledge. He knew that Mello had confessed his feelings for L. He knew that Mello had been abused in the past, though the true nature and extent of that abuse was uncertain. Near suspected that it was significant, but not so much so that Mello was still constantly affected by it. Near also knew that L had knowledge of Mello’s past, and had had it ever since Mello’s arrival’s at Wammy’s. He knew that L thought Mello’s past was affecting Mello’s attachment to him in the present. He knew that L had refused Mello’s advances.
And that was the point at which Near’s mind became buried under the clamoring of his heart. Such relief had washed over him when Near had heard L reject Mello. Near knew that he should feel that way, given the feelings he had for Mello. It made sense. Or rather, it would have made sense, if not for Near’s heart screaming at him that what made sense was not what was true.
Near was not in the habit of giving his feelings control of his rationality. His head ruled him, not his emotions, and Near prided himself on the fact. But never before had his emotions been so loud. It had never been a struggle for Near’s mind to triumph over his feelings. His feelings were distant, small things. They’d never stood a chance. Not until now.
In that moment before L had given his final refusal...everything had changed in that moment.
But how?! cried Near’s mind. How could this have happened? It was Mello that held Near’s affection. Near knew it, had acknowledged it openly to himself. It was neat, it was simple. It fit. If Near’s feelings lay instead with L, how could Near himself be unaware?
Near was divided against himself, and he hated the feeling. This had to be resolved. Near had to understand, or the battle inside himself would drive him insane.
Why, then? Why would Near want L, when he thought he wanted Mello? And how could the knowledge of his true feelings be hidden from himself?
If Near didn’t know about his affection for L until now, when had it began? When Near thought that he’d discovered his crush on Mello...was it then? Was it possible that Near’s feelings had existed even before that? For how long? Forever?
From the very beginning, L was the only person that Near could honestly say he respected. Everything that Mello had said about L’s intelligence, his kindness, his goodness...Near knew that it was all true. L was not a god, but Near knew that he was possibly the human that came closest. More than anyone else, L acted with consideration for the welfare of others; Near had never heard L utter something irrational or thoughtless. L could teach Near things, really teach him. Not spout off facts the way that his classroom teachers did, but actually pass down wisdom. L was admirable on a multitude of levels, really. There was no denying that.
Near discovered that he thought nothing of the kind about Mello. Mello wasn’t anything that Near admired. He wasn’t wise or particularly noble. Actually...when Near considered it...Mello was quite a lot of things that Near disdained. He was loud, insecure. He needed people around him to be happy. He let others pull him to and fro.
Near’s crush on Mello was superficial, he could see that now. Near realized that ever since L had come back, he hadn’t responded to Mello the way he used to. Even though Mello had returned more or less to his old self, Near didn’t react to him the way he once had. His body didn’t go hot or cold the same way anymore. There wasn’t actually any tension between them, nothing besides the tension of competition...had there ever been? Wasn’t that like a neon sign advertising the absence of a real connection? Why had Near never noticed?
There was tension between Near and L, though. Plenty of it.
Why did Near ever think that he liked Mello, then? There must have been reason...
It was the day with the guns...that was the day that Near thought he had discovered his “crush.” L had showered Mello with his attention that day, and had given Near none of it. At the time, Near thought that he was angry with L for making him appear incompetent in front of Mello. He’d used that to deduce that he had feelings for Mello. But when Near looked at the situation from another angle, he saw that his conclusion was incorrect. Near had seen in Mello what he wanted for himself - L’s attention. That was why he thought he liked him.
But Near understood himself better now. He could only want someone that he felt was admirable. Someone who was, to an extent, above him. Mello was not the person in Near’s heart because Near and Mello were equals. They were rivals for L, now in more ways than one.
Near had given secrets to the enemy. It was a mistake he would not make again.
***
So, what do you guys think? Was Near’s change of heart believable? I feel as though its very likely that he would be blindsided by his own feelings, despite his tendency toward introspection. Unaware of how he really felt until it was thrown into his face and all that. Near compartmentalizes his thoughts from his feelings, I think, and it got the better of him. *pets*
I know that chapters are going to get more challenging from here on out, so expect less frequent updates. I’d say longer than a week but never longer than a month. Two weeks, possibly three, between chapters now.
Thanks to everyone who’s reviewed so far, especially those that have reviewed every chapter along the way. A box of virtual pocky to each of you! :D
Characters: L/Mello/Near; this chapter is Near-centric
Rating: M
Word Count: ~5,500
Spoilers: For now, Mello and Near's real names. Possibly others along the way.
Summary: Mello and Near are competing for L's title. Are they also competing for his love?
Author’s Note:
This chapter is epic. Like, originally I’d planned to have the events that occur here play out over the course of three chapters. I decided to compress them into one, though, so...yeah. Lots of things going on. :)
I think readers will appreciate this one. The true heart of the story starts here. *is excited* And I’m quite proud of this chapter, if I do say so myself. I don’t know what was up, but something was working overtime in my head as I was writing. :)
Enjoy!
***
Chapter Ten - Assisted Understanding
“...For I know not how it came, nor when it began; but crept, crept it has..."
- Samuel Richardson
Near was quite enjoying his alone time. For these few hours, he could do nothing that he didn’t want to do and everything that he did. Near often thought that he was lucky that the things that made him happiest were things that were easily accessible. Books were readily available in Wammy’s House. So were toys and puzzles. That was all Near wanted, and so he was content. It would be unfortunate if, instead of knowledge and games, all Near wanted to do was skydive...
Near was working with blocks again today, building skyscrapers. He liked to see how high they could go before becoming unstable and falling away.
He had one at waist height when there came a knock on his door.
“Enter,” Near called, still building.
The door opened to reveal Mello, shuffling his feet and looking around uncertainly.
“Near...” Mello said, biting his lip. He looked uncharacteristically reluctant...usually Mello charged headlong into things, giving very little thought to the consequences.
Near’s mind immediately began firing off possible reasons for his hesitancy. Was Mello having trouble with something? Classes, perhaps? Trouble with some kind of depression again? He seemed to be moving past that fairly quickly since L returned...
“Near...” Mello began again. “Can I...talk to you about something?”
Near nodded. He pushed aside the pile of blocks before him, making a space for Mello to sit.
Mello closed the door behind himself. He came into the clearing that Near had made, crossing his legs at the ankle and sinking down onto the floor, Indian style. He didn’t meet Near’s eyes, looking instead at the floor between them. His brows were furrowed deeply.
Near waited. It seemed that Mello had something of great importance on his mind. Asking him to spit it out might only make him more uncertain.
Still gazing at the floor, Mello frowned and shook his head, as though he was trying to dislodge a particularly unpleasant thought.
Taking a deep breath, he finally said, “I need your advice.”
Near was instantly uncomfortable. Anything worrisome enough to drive Mello to ask for Near’s help could not be something easily solved. In fact, Near felt it was safe to assume that he would be troubled greatly by whatever it was.
“I see.” Near replied, resigned. “Concerning?”
Mello sighed. He shook his head, turning to look out the window.
This was getting tiresome. Mello wanted to talk to Near, so why wasn’t he talking? Near was patient, as a general rule. He could wait out most anything. That was when waiting would not interfere with other, more enjoyable activities, however. Near didn’t have endless hours of free time (much as he sometimes wished he did) and watching Mello refuse to speak was not very high on his list of pleasant pastimes.
Just as Near was about to prompt Mello to explain himself again, though, Mello abruptly turned away from the window to face him.
“The whole thing is completely ridiculous!” Mello exclaimed suddenly. “It’s insane! I must be out of my mind!”
Near wasn’t sure that really explained anything, but listening to this was far better than listening to silence.
“Honestly!” Mello continued, standing up again. He began pacing to and fro in front of Near, looking like something caged. “I mean, I’ve only just turned twelve! It makes no sense!”
Near made a small “hmm” sound. He thought that Mello was being unnecessarily dramatic. Although...drama, necessary or otherwise, had always been a substantial part of Mello’s character.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this. But then, how can I not? I’ll die! I know it!”
Near felt compelled to end Mello’s tirade. They would never get anywhere if this continued, and Near really did need his playtime. He became truly unbearable without it...
“Mello,” he said. “Do calm down. Sit. Explain.”
Mello stopped in his pacing, blinking rapidly. He seemed to have forgotten that Near was even in the room.
“Right.” he said vaguely, almost to himself. “Right. I’ll just...sit. Right.”
He sat down again, still looking a bit lost. He watched Near with unseeing eyes.
“Now,” said Near, speaking as crisply as he ever did. “Explain. Why did you feel the need to seek out my advice?”
“I...” Mello began. He seemed to be coming back to himself somewhat. “I...I don’t really know...well, I mean...This is really weird. I can’t believe I’m asking you about this...”
Near was losing his tolerance for this. Mello really needed to explain himself, preferably in full sentences and preferably within the next hour.
“The thing is...” said Mello. “Well, I...I don’t really...I don’t really know...”
“What, Mello? What don’t you know?”
“Oh bloody hell. Fine!” Mello said, reverting, seemingly on a dime, back to his ranting. “Here it is: I don’t really know L that well and I want you to tell me about him. There, I said it! Satisfied?”
There had been exactly two moments in Near’s life when he had felt completely dumbfounded. Once when he was four and another time when he was seven. Now, at ten years of age, this might well be the third.
Mello was glaring at him, as though Near was to blame for his predicament. His arms were folded over his chest, legs shoulder width apart. He looked defensive. Looked ready for a fight.
What was Near supposed to say? Mello wanted advice...about L? He wanted Near to tell him about the man? But...
“But Mello,” Near said. “You already know L. You’ve known him for years now. Why do you need me to tell you about him?”
Mello’s whole body seemed to deflate at this question. He unfolded his arms and slumped, shoulders rounded.
“Because I don’t know him. Not really. Not the way you do.” he said.
Near boggled. He didn’t much enjoy feeling confused, and Mello seemed determined to make him so.
Mello took one look at Near’s expression and rolled his eyes.
“Come on, Near.” he said. “I know you don’t pay attention to other human beings, but really. You must know this, if nothing else.”
Near must have persisted looking baffled. Mello huffed out an exasperated breath and continued.
“You understand L. You get him, I can see it. Sometimes he says something, and you nod, like you had the very same thought. You look at him and I can see the understanding in your eyes. You guys are on the same wavelength, or you’re naturally attuned to each other or something. You must be aware of it.”
In truth, Near really wasn’t. He could guess at some of the reasons behind L’s actions, certainly. He occasionally understood what L meant by a look, or a cryptic comment. But he didn’t feel as though he really understood L, not the way that Mello meant. L was a mystery, essentially. Near doubted he even understood himself.
“Mello...I don’t think...”
“Near, I may not memorize atomic orbital configurations as fast as you, but I can see people. I can see people, and I can see how they relate to each other. That’s where I will always win. And I know that you understand L. I know you’re closer to L than anyone else.”
Near didn’t know how to respond. He had really never given the subject any thought. Maybe he did understand L. Maybe not. He would have to give the matter more consideration to decide.
“Why do you care about this, Mello?” Near asked. “Whether I understand L or not, why does it matter?”
“I’ve already told you.” said Mello. “I want you to tell me about him.”
“But why?”
Mello was back to watching the ground instead of Near. He sighed. “Because I want to understand...I want to understand L the way you do.”
On the surface, the words were wholly innocuous. Mello simply wanted to understand L better. Near admitted, it did seem wrong to know someone for nearly four years and still feel as though they were a stranger. But there was something in the way that Mello said the words that made Near question Mello’s motivations.
Mello sounded...he sounded guilty.
There were two reasons Near could see to explain this. The first was that Mello was guilty for something that had already happened. He could simply be ashamed for feeling so strongly about L while knowing virtually nothing of the man’s true self. It must feel horrible, Near supposed, to want someone that way and feel as though someone else understood them in a way that you couldn’t.
The second reason...Mello felt guilty for something that hadn’t happened yet but would happen in the future. But what could that something be? Mello was coming to Near, seemingly to gather information. In preparation for something? But the only that Near could imagine Mello preparing for was...No. No, surely not.
“Mello, I don’t know if I am really qualified to explain L to you.” Near said. “But you seem certain that I am, so perhaps its true. I’ll listen to your questions...but don’t assume that I have any confidence in the answers.”
Mello nodded. “I’m half certain that you’re only pretending to doubt yourself. It’s so obvious that you know him. But whatever, if you’ll help me, that’s all that matters. There’s really only a few things I really need...”
“First thing’s first,” he said, returning to his seat on the floor. “How old is L?”
“Mello, you know that.” Near answered.
“I think I know. But I want to be sure. How old is he?”
“L turned twenty-two last Halloween.” Near said.
Mello nodded to himself, turning the answer around in his mind. He eventually murmured something that sounded like “ten years.”
Near didn’t like the direction of that thought process.
“Next,” said Mello. “When did L begin looking for successors?”
Near sighed. These questions seemed inconsequential. “As far as I know, he’s been looking forever. When I first came to Wammy’s, there had already been others vying for the position. Obviously none of them worked out in the end. From what I can gather, at least one of them turned out quite badly.”
“I’ve heard rumors.” Mello said, nodding. “Do you think it’s safe to assume that L feels... responsible?”
Near almost laughed. “I think it’s safe to assume that L feels responsible for everything, Mello.”
Mello didn’t seem happy with that bit. His mouth drew into a grim line.
“But he must...” Mello began, hesitant again. “L must...be a person under all that responsibility. He must do things that are...fun...sometimes.”
“We all do, I suppose.” Near mused. “He derives enough pleasure from sweet things...”
“What about...what about any...attachments? Does L have anyone he’s attached to?”
“Well, I’m sure he’s attached to Mr. Wammy.” Near said. “He always goes with L whenever he travels for a case. Has done for years.”
Mello rolled his eyes again, this time disgustedly, as though he thought that Near was being juvenile.
“Any other attachments? People that aren’t directly related to L’s employment, maybe?” Mello asked, with deliberate patience.
Ah. So that was what Mello was getting at.
“I don’t know about that, Mello.” Near said. “L wouldn’t talk about them if there were, and I wouldn’t ask, regardless.”
“I thought as much.” Mello sighed. “I just needed to...to cover all bases...”
“Mello,” Near injected. “What are you planning? I have ideas, and none of them seem particularly wise or profitable.”
“Not wise, definitely.” said Mello, standing up again. He crossed the room and pulled the door open.
Turning back to look at Near over his shoulder, Mello said, “But the potential for profit is very, very great.”
Then he gave a small, rueful grin, and left.
Near resumed his building, mentally reviewing the conversation as did. He was getting the strangest feeling that he had just given secrets to the enemy.
***
One week later, Near had an exam in his Advanced Italian class. He did as well as he’d expected to (something, incidentally, that he’d also expected). The questions were chiefly vocabulary, which made things fairly simple. And Near had always been comfortable with languages anyway.
Near left his classroom after the test feeling quite at ease. This was the last test of the semester, since fall classes would be ending that week. Near had only two more classes to complete, and then he would be facing two weeks of leisure before the New Year. He was completely confident about these classes as well; they were very straightforward. So far, everything pointed toward a smooth and comfortable Winter break.
Walking down the corridor to the stairs, Near occupied himself by considering what gifts he would likely receive for Christmas. He had long since discovered that Mr. Wammy had been a wildly successful inventor before he founded his orphanages and he knew that the man was exceedingly generous with his wealth. Despite this knowledge, Near never considered exploiting that generosity. When lists to Santa were passed around, Near would always write down only one item. This was invariably a toy of some kind, and relatively inexpensive. Near was easy to please, and he even took pride in the fact. Maybe that newly released Lego set...
Near’s happy consideration of Christmas presents, however, was not to last. When he was almost to the stairs, his attention was pulled away by the sight of a blond head ducking into a room at the very end of the hallway. There was only one person at Wammy’s with hair that golden...
Near considered the situation. He didn’t know why Mello should be sneaking (for he was plainly trying to remain unseen) around the mansion, especially while classes were still in session. Mello was the hardest working child at Wammy’s. He would never be caught outside of a classroom during exam time unless there was something of great importance elsewhere. Monumental importance.
Near had to wonder why. First Mello’s request for information about L and now this? What was going on?
Near did have an idea, but he was loathe to consider it. The thought couldn’t remain articulated in his mind before Near began to feel vaguely ill.
Maybe there was nothing to connect these two occurrences. Near could be over-analyzing...
No. There was definitely a connection. Near’s unwillingness to consider it didn’t negate the connection’s existence. The only uncertainty here was whether Near had the stomach to investigate, and see what it was.
Before he could allow himself to change his mind, Near resolutely set off.
There were boys and girls scattered about, all rushing to leave the second floor and get downstairs to lunch. Exam days were always frenetic and Near took advantage of this fact, moving between the children and using them as cover.
When he got to the end of the hallway, Near saw that the door Mello had slipped past was ajar slightly. It was almost unnaturally fortunate. Reconnaissance would be much easier now, since sound would carry.
Near stopped in front the door, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. If Mello unexpectedly left the room, Near would simply begin walking, pretending that he was leaving class late. It wouldn’t be the first time, after all.
The corridor was nearly empty now, only one or two students were leaving now. Near stood as close the door as he dared, taking care not to be seen.
Suddenly, he heard Mello’s voice.
“What are you working on?”
Near wondered how it was possible that Mello could manage to sound both tentative and assertive at once. It was strangely characteristic of him as a person, now that he thought about it. Was Mello talking to himself? Was there someone else in the room with him?
The answer came all too quickly.
“A case in Guam...” a low, thoughtful voice answered.
L sounded distracted, which was odd. He usually made a point of giving his full attention to Mello and Near whenever they were with him.
“Is there anything I can help you with?” L continued. “You and Near aren’t due to see me for a while yet.”
Near could hear the subtle sounds of L chewing on something. He wanted desperately to peek into the crack of the open door, but he knew that doing so would instantly give himself away. Even if Mello missed him, L was hyper-observant every moment of every day. L would surely see.
“There’s nothing, really.” came Mello’s voice. “I just thought that we could talk?”
Near knew that Mello had meant his last sentence to be declarative. It sounded, though, more like a question. He waited for L’s reply, but none was forthcoming. All Near could hear was more chewing, interspersed with sounds of tea being slurped. Then, finally:
“Yes. We can talk.”
There were sounds of shuffling papers, then, and the creak of someone sitting down on an old chair.
“Is there anything you’d like?” asked L. “There’s tea. Biscuits?”
Near heard Mello make a sound in the negative. “I’m fine.”
“What is it, Mello? I don’t suppose you came here to chat idly. Incidentally, how did you know I was here?” L asked. Was it Near’s imagination, or did he seem to be forcing his voice steady? “Students only know about my office on the third floor.”
“Most students aren’t genii of my calibre.” answered Mello. Again, his words and voice were cocky, but there was also a distinct undercurrent of uncertainty in them.
After the briefest of hesitations, Mello continued.
“Most students don’t watch you the way I do.”
Something in Near froze at those words. He didn’t let himself run, though the option became sorely tempting. This was just what he’d feared. When he’d considered the situation earlier, though, it was Mello he’d been worried for. Strange how right now...L seemed to garner more of Near’s concern...
No sound came from the room after Mello made his statement. Near could no longer hear L eating or drinking anything. He could picture L sitting, eyes wide, teacup raised halfway to his mouth. No, no that wouldn’t be right. Maybe L would look at Mello with sad eyes, like he sometimes did, knowing what was happening and unable to stop it. L wouldn’t look surprised. L already knew. L always already knew.
Still there were no words. Perhaps L was weighing his response. What would L say? Would he pretend that Mello’s words weren’t what they were? Would he pretend to misunderstand? Would he meet them with a firm but gentle refusal? Would he reprimand Mello for even considering...? Near’s thoughts tumbled over and over themselves as he waited for the answer. When it finally came, he realized that none of his choices were correct. Or maybe it was that all of them were.
“Mello...would you like a piece of chocolate?”
Near presumed that Mello nodded. He heard the faint crackling of candy wrapper and then the snap of a bite.
That was L’s response? To offer Mello sweets? Surely there would be more. L couldn’t leave it at that.
Near was surprised to find himself nervous about the outcome. What if Mello succeeded? What if...what if L wanted him to?
A gaping pit seemed to open in front of Near. He could accept that Mello had feelings for L. He always had, really. But for L to actually return them...the thought had never yet crossed Near’s mind. And now that it did...he felt...
“Mello, I...” L began. “I’ve researched the backgrounds of every student at Wammy’s. I know every child’s history...or as much of it as was available when they were invited to live here. Every one is an orphan, but every one is unique. Every one has a story.”
Mello didn’t respond. Near knew he was listening to L’s words as closely as Near himself was.
“Your story was hardest to uncover...” continued L. “There were very few records of your parents, and nothing from any of the foster homes...no one seemed eager to tell us about your past.”
L’s voice was so soft, softer than Near had ever heard it.
“I was suspicious, and I looked into each and every place you’d been. What I found wasn’t surprising...but that didn’t make the knowledge any more pleasant to bear.”
Mello piped up after that.
“L, I really don’t want to talk about this.” he said in a rush. “The past is past. That is done, and now I’m here. With you.”
“But the past is darkening your present, Mello.” L replied, and for a moment Near heard steel in his voice. “You aren’t yet a teenager, and I am well into adulthood. I am not a peer, I am not friend. There are not words to describe the distances in our status. I understand that you care for me. But how am I to see your feelings without the shadow of what you’ve endured behind them?”
Near heard the scrape of chair legs against the floor. He wondered if Mello had stood up abruptly.
“That has nothing to do with this. He was...he was vile and cold and rough and cruel. You aren’t anything like that, L. You are kind and thoughtful and intelligent. You are good. I know that what happened to me was bad, but it wasn’t half as bad as it could have been. And I’m okay now. I’ve accepted that it’s a part of my history and I’ve put it behind me.”
“Mello, it’s not that simple.”
“It is!” said Mello emphatically. He was just short of shouting. “This is how I feel. That’s it. Am I supposed to hide from my feelings because of something that happened seven years ago? What kind of person would I be, what kind of life would I have, if I let myself do that? I want you, L. It’s God’s honest truth, and I’d feel that way with or without the influence of Steven Yates!”
“Mello, put yourself in my position. What kind of person would I be if I gave you what you want? How could I ever feel justified?”
“What justification do we need?” asked Mello, sounding cajoling. “Isn’t this its own justification?”
For Near, time seemed to stop. For two heartbeats, his whole world was held in suspension. The only idea in his mind was the possibility of L and Mello coming together. This was the moment. If it was to happen, it could happen now. The image of L and Mello embracing swam behind his eyes, and Near felt a flash of jealousy.
And like lightening, Near swiftly realized that it was not jealousy of the person he’d expected.
When L’s answer came, Near heard it as if from a distance. His realization was taking him over, and everything around him suddenly seemed muted.
“No, Mello.” L said. “No. There is more to this than you see. There are consequences to what you are proposing, ones that will be permanent. For you...and for me. I can’t allow it. I will not.”
“But what am I supposed to do?” Mello cried. “You don’t know what it’s like! I think about you all the time! I can’t sleep with all the dreams I’ve been having! I see you and my mind shuts down and my body starts up! What am I supposed to do?”
“You’re young, Mello. Those feelings will fade.”
Near heard Mello sigh deeply, along with the sound of approaching footsteps. Panic and the fear of discovery ran dimly through him.
As Near hurried away, he heard the sound of Mello’s voice saying, “No, L...they won’t.”
***
Near breathed a sigh of relief when he was safely back inside his room. Even if Mello hadn’t been about to leave, Near was sure he wouldn’t have been able to stay much longer. He didn’t think that his mind would be able to handle it. There was too much going on in that room...too much to take in. Near needed to get away from there to work through all that he’d heard. He needed to think.
But where to begin? So much had just changed. So much was still changing. How could Near ever hope to understand?!
No, he could understand. He knew he could. Near just had to start from the beginning, and think everything through until he came to the end.
The beginning, then. What did Near know? He knew that Mello approached L, while L was alone and without Near’s knowledge. He knew that Mello had confessed his feelings for L. He knew that Mello had been abused in the past, though the true nature and extent of that abuse was uncertain. Near suspected that it was significant, but not so much so that Mello was still constantly affected by it. Near also knew that L had knowledge of Mello’s past, and had had it ever since Mello’s arrival’s at Wammy’s. He knew that L thought Mello’s past was affecting Mello’s attachment to him in the present. He knew that L had refused Mello’s advances.
And that was the point at which Near’s mind became buried under the clamoring of his heart. Such relief had washed over him when Near had heard L reject Mello. Near knew that he should feel that way, given the feelings he had for Mello. It made sense. Or rather, it would have made sense, if not for Near’s heart screaming at him that what made sense was not what was true.
Near was not in the habit of giving his feelings control of his rationality. His head ruled him, not his emotions, and Near prided himself on the fact. But never before had his emotions been so loud. It had never been a struggle for Near’s mind to triumph over his feelings. His feelings were distant, small things. They’d never stood a chance. Not until now.
In that moment before L had given his final refusal...everything had changed in that moment.
But how?! cried Near’s mind. How could this have happened? It was Mello that held Near’s affection. Near knew it, had acknowledged it openly to himself. It was neat, it was simple. It fit. If Near’s feelings lay instead with L, how could Near himself be unaware?
Near was divided against himself, and he hated the feeling. This had to be resolved. Near had to understand, or the battle inside himself would drive him insane.
Why, then? Why would Near want L, when he thought he wanted Mello? And how could the knowledge of his true feelings be hidden from himself?
If Near didn’t know about his affection for L until now, when had it began? When Near thought that he’d discovered his crush on Mello...was it then? Was it possible that Near’s feelings had existed even before that? For how long? Forever?
From the very beginning, L was the only person that Near could honestly say he respected. Everything that Mello had said about L’s intelligence, his kindness, his goodness...Near knew that it was all true. L was not a god, but Near knew that he was possibly the human that came closest. More than anyone else, L acted with consideration for the welfare of others; Near had never heard L utter something irrational or thoughtless. L could teach Near things, really teach him. Not spout off facts the way that his classroom teachers did, but actually pass down wisdom. L was admirable on a multitude of levels, really. There was no denying that.
Near discovered that he thought nothing of the kind about Mello. Mello wasn’t anything that Near admired. He wasn’t wise or particularly noble. Actually...when Near considered it...Mello was quite a lot of things that Near disdained. He was loud, insecure. He needed people around him to be happy. He let others pull him to and fro.
Near’s crush on Mello was superficial, he could see that now. Near realized that ever since L had come back, he hadn’t responded to Mello the way he used to. Even though Mello had returned more or less to his old self, Near didn’t react to him the way he once had. His body didn’t go hot or cold the same way anymore. There wasn’t actually any tension between them, nothing besides the tension of competition...had there ever been? Wasn’t that like a neon sign advertising the absence of a real connection? Why had Near never noticed?
There was tension between Near and L, though. Plenty of it.
Why did Near ever think that he liked Mello, then? There must have been reason...
It was the day with the guns...that was the day that Near thought he had discovered his “crush.” L had showered Mello with his attention that day, and had given Near none of it. At the time, Near thought that he was angry with L for making him appear incompetent in front of Mello. He’d used that to deduce that he had feelings for Mello. But when Near looked at the situation from another angle, he saw that his conclusion was incorrect. Near had seen in Mello what he wanted for himself - L’s attention. That was why he thought he liked him.
But Near understood himself better now. He could only want someone that he felt was admirable. Someone who was, to an extent, above him. Mello was not the person in Near’s heart because Near and Mello were equals. They were rivals for L, now in more ways than one.
Near had given secrets to the enemy. It was a mistake he would not make again.
***
So, what do you guys think? Was Near’s change of heart believable? I feel as though its very likely that he would be blindsided by his own feelings, despite his tendency toward introspection. Unaware of how he really felt until it was thrown into his face and all that. Near compartmentalizes his thoughts from his feelings, I think, and it got the better of him. *pets*
I know that chapters are going to get more challenging from here on out, so expect less frequent updates. I’d say longer than a week but never longer than a month. Two weeks, possibly three, between chapters now.
Thanks to everyone who’s reviewed so far, especially those that have reviewed every chapter along the way. A box of virtual pocky to each of you! :D