This is such a neat piece - I know you wanted to write shorter this week, and I think it's even stronger for the brevity. It's so much creepier when we as the reader fill in the story around it, and I love how you suck us in by empathizing with, yeah, the parents would totally embarrass me, too, and then poof, they're being killed and shit-we-kind-of-wanted-it...
One piece of concrit, in case it's helpful - the placement of Dad's death works as far as the current dynamic in the family, but then it's a little jarring when we get to "His parents were freaks" and we're back in a place where they are both alive...is there a way to set up the structure with the death of Dad, and what Mom's doing now, and the revelation later that it's Anakin's doing, but that ushers the reader through the time-shifts more smoothly?
This was a terrific voice and I loved how it is almost anti-fan-fic!
Sorry for the typos. I was starting to get sick as I was writing, and it progressed into fairly full-on fever mode by the time I finished, so I kinda muffed the spellcheck and such. I think that also had something to do with the shortness, and definitely in the weird time juxtaposition.
I'm not really happy with the description of Anakin's causation of his father's death-- *pushing* was pretty much a direct rip from Stephen King's Firestarter-- but nobody seems to mind too much, and maybe the connection with the topic made it enough.
I thought "pushing" worked just fine, and I've read Firestarter but didn't make the connection until you mention it here. And it seems like in a piece this length you just need one good word that lets us imagine the rest, or you'll end up spending a lot of words on how it works?
Comments 18
Reply
stains out thewre for the entire world / "there"
Neeson, Or even Jake / lower-case "o"
This is such a neat piece - I know you wanted to write shorter this week, and I think it's even stronger for the brevity. It's so much creepier when we as the reader fill in the story around it, and I love how you suck us in by empathizing with, yeah, the parents would totally embarrass me, too, and then poof, they're being killed and shit-we-kind-of-wanted-it...
One piece of concrit, in case it's helpful - the placement of Dad's death works as far as the current dynamic in the family, but then it's a little jarring when we get to "His parents were freaks" and we're back in a place where they are both alive...is there a way to set up the structure with the death of Dad, and what Mom's doing now, and the revelation later that it's Anakin's doing, but that ushers the reader through the time-shifts more smoothly?
This was a terrific voice and I loved how it is almost anti-fan-fic!
Reply
I'm not really happy with the description of Anakin's causation of his father's death-- *pushing* was pretty much a direct rip from Stephen King's Firestarter-- but nobody seems to mind too much, and maybe the connection with the topic made it enough.
Reply
Reply
Brief is best.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment