Fic: A Deal Is A Deal (Torchwood Jack/Ianto NC17 Time Verse)
Title: A Deal Is A Deal
Author: magikalrhiannon
Beta: kajmere, trueblue55 and soul1essharpy
Fandom: Torchwood AU
Verse: Time Verse
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC17
Spoilers: All up to Season 2 Ep 11 Adrift
Summary: Jack made a deal with Ianto... the day Ianto told him about Havaasana, he would tell Ianto what caused the blood on his diaries. A deal is a deal.
Word Count: 7468
Disclaimer: All rights belong to BBC and Russell T Davies. I'm just finger-painting in someone else's masterpiece. No infringement intended.
Notes: For kajmere, cuz she owns me. Massive thanks to all three of my betas on this one. It was a massive undertaking for the sheer difference in normal format to what I normally produce, and my whining about it. 8 Drafts later, but we finally got there! *hugs all around* A great collaborative effort. Thank you so much!!
You will need to read Adrift In Time for this to make any sense.
Follows Interrogation Techniques
Monday, August 2 2010
Jack said it might help with the nightmares if I write down what plagues them since I refuse to talk about it. Apparently it's either this or he's sending me to a psychiatrist because he's tired of being punched in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.
There probably is a reason that he's not telling me about.
Regardless, I do not want to see a shrink. So, I'm going to try his suggestion.
Before I do, there is a confession I need to make, and I hope he forgives me for it. My carers... I have always maintained that they wanted me to go into cryogenics like them. This is a lie. A rather large one, in fact. I hate myself for continually lying to Jack, especially after I realised who he really was to me on Daelynea but... well... there is nothing I can do about that now. I had promised myself that I would never lie to him again, not after Lisa, but well, we can see now how that played out. Well done me. I only hope that once he knows the full story he will understand why I lied and that in time he can forgive me. That we can move past it. It was easier to keep the facade of not knowing what was going on back on Havaasana to the Doctor if Jack believed the lie, than to have both of us lie too.
This entry will probably be jumbled because, well, frankly my mind is a little jumbled right now. Here goes:
It's always cold. When I dream, it's always cold. Dark and cold. That was the first thing to come to my mind. Cold and dark. I think that's why I only ever sleep naked if we've had sex right before we sleep, and even then I'll generally pull on some clothes before I pass out. It drives Jack insane. He likes me naked. He likes my skin on his. But I'm always cold. I try to move my fingers, but nothing moves. That's when the fear shivers down my spine, when I realise that nothing moves. My eyes are closed, and my mouth, jaw, nothing moves. Not even my toes. Everything is... frozen. I feel frozen. So cold and dark. I'm always back there. Back in that pod. Back in the … facility. Like out of “The Matrix” but worse.
Well. At least there was no jelly.
Sometimes I wake up gasping because my mouth won't open because it's frozen shut.
I remember thinking, “Jack. Where are you? Please, come get me?! Jack?” Sometimes I wake up gasping Jack's name.
It sounds pathetic but I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I was terrified, plain and simple. Yet I knew I was alone. Alone and in the dark. I couldn't move. Why couldn't I move? I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I could do. I couldn't do anything, lying there, frozen.
What would Jack do? That was my second thought. What would Jack do? Kind of like a catch phrase. My mantra really. WWJD. What would Jack do?
Jack. The thought of him made my heart ache, but he kept me going. Jack always kept me going. The thought of him out there. Looking for me. He had to be looking for me. He would be looking for me. Wouldn't he? He wouldn't just … let me go, would he?
The last time I saw Jack, he'd kissed me goodbye. Even now I don't know why he did that. I wasn't going to. We didn't do that kind of thing. We weren't like that. We were... complicated. Unique. We were just... us. I couldn't put a label on what we were, not back then. I don't even know if I wanted to. No, that's not true. I did want to put a label on us. I didn't want to know if Jack didn't. That would be more accurate. That fear held me back from ever having that conversation, that closure. Thinking back now, it was my fault we were like that. I was the one putting distance between us, pulling away whenever someone walked in, changing the topic, moving away.
I was unsure of how to deal with it. I didn't know if he wanted to. I... it doesn't even matter now. Water under the bridge and all that.
But that day... that last time I saw Jack... I slipped. I said the words I thought every time we... made love. I said them out loud. I made it real. To me. To him.
And Jack said “Don't.”
He didn't push me away though. In fact, Jack held me closer, held me tighter. Jack was... more tender, more loving. Jack loved me. I knew it. Bone deep, in that moment, I knew it. He just couldn't say it. That was okay. It really was okay that he couldn't say it. He didn't have to say it.
I didn't need to hear it. It wasn't like I needed flowers and candy, romance and confirmation, or affirmation and constant reassurance.
Well. Not constant.
Acknowledgement would be nice. But not entirely necessary.
Jack, after all, is a man of action. I don't need three little words when his actions speak for themselves.
But they are nice - now that he can say them.
I digress. Badly.
My dreams.
I knew Jack would find me, that he would be looking for me. That last morning, that kiss goodbye... that was what made me sure he would be searching for me.
Jack wants me to tell him about what happened on Havaasana. Not just the Cryogen (I've already updated the Torchwood database with all the information I can remember on Havaasana's cryogenics process, just in case, but I have a feeling that isn't the information Jack's talking about, not really) but the planet itself. I don't like thinking about it. I dream about it enough. If I'm not dreaming about waking up in that fucking cryogen facility, I dream about being taken by the rift and landing on Havaasana. The laser weapons pointed at my face. The strange beings yelling at me in a language I'd never heard of. The bright light but cold surroundings. Being lost and confused and scared. So scared.
I hadn't been that scared since the Brecon Beacons. Quite frankly I think I'd rather take on the cannibals again. At least they spoke English, even if they were deranged. And I was only there for what 2 days?
Maybe I should start at the beginning. None of this is making any sense. Let me see, I remember nearly everything about that morning. I remember Jack waking me up with the most sensual and tender sex we had ever had, before I blurted out my true feelings. Well done me, though that could have turned out a lot worse than what it did. We showered together before making our way upstairs to prepare for the day. Ah yes, that shower included a delicious blow job. Jack nearly cracked his skull open on the shower head when he came and missed his footing on the slippery floor. I definitely remember that.
Upstairs... we were out of milk. I told Jack I'd go get some and waved off his suggestion to get one of the girls to bring some in on their way, mainly because I didn't want to put up with his bitching about being decaffeinated for 2 hours. A decaffeinated Jack should only be put up with when he's on punishment. Excellent rule of thumb.
Except in this instance, hindsight's a beautiful thing, is it not?
The morning was warm, the sun was shining - I don't recall there being any birds chirping but the pigeons were possibly shitting everywhere. Come to think of it, that right there should have tipped me off that something was going to go wrong. Sun shining in July? It should have been raining. The air was crisp, the Plass was empty save for a few early birds on their way to wherever they were headed to. I walked down to the local convenience store to purchase a couple of bottles of milk. It was a quick errand. It shouldn't have taken too long. I remember the strangest of things like the florist hadn't opened yet and I felt like making us bacon and eggs for breakfast.
I had to remind Jack to pick up... something. That's the one thing I can't remember now. I wonder if Jack knows what it was. Probably not. I do remember holding my phone texting Jack to remember to pick up... something when there was a flash of light and it felt like I had been yanked from behind, then I was flying and tumbling.
When I landed hard it was on the ground of this cold, empty... field? I think I hit my head at first. It felt like it did when I got knocked out when I broke my leg as a child. Everything was a little fuzzy at first when I looked around. The ground was like... moss, soft and green. It was slippery under my hands. I was glad I wore boots with my suits. People don't really look at your shoes, and the boots had grip. I think I was wearing them because my last pair of dress shoes had been ruined by a hoix. Where was I? Oh yes, landing. There was no shelter. No trees, no rocks, no... anything. It was barren, mossy ground, which seemed impossible. The sun, or what I thought was the sun, shone down but it was so cold. I looked up, but it was like looking straight at the sun, it was so bright. Blinding. I fell back down on the ground. My head was pounding and I was bleeding at the back of my head, presumably from when I hit it when I landed, but I couldn't see what I would have cut it on.
That's when I heard the yelling. I can't remember now what they were saying though I have learned the language out of necessity. I think the blow to the head is the cause for the lack of memory. As per Jack's training, my hand automatically went for my sidearm but it wasn't there. I had left the office unarmed - something I know he would kick my arse for if he were to ever locate me and it would be a bollocking I would deserve because dammit, I know better than that! However, history cannot be rewritten and what's done is done. I left unarmed, and there I was, alone in a foreign place and I obviously didn't speak the language.
I was, in a word, fucked.
I looked up and saw two tall aliens standing over me. Their skin was pearl white in colour, and covered in fine white hairs, almost like a fur. Their clothing looked like it was made of blue leathery type material. Their eyes were large, bulbous and blue. They were sleek, but armed.
I raised my arms up in the air and pleaded with them. I mean, what the hell was I going to do? I was alone, unarmed and I didn't understand them. I had no chance. One of them aimed their weapon at my arm and fired.
That's all I remember until I woke up. Frozen. In a pod in what turned out to be a cryogenic cloning facility.
The Doctor asked how I got out of the cryogenics facility. Truth is... I don't really know. I remember a melodic voice talking to me in the cold, dark cryo facility. And I remember being pulled out of the pod and put into what I assume was some sort of bodybag. It was awfully dark, dank and not pleasant. The melodic voice said something before I felt a sting. I am completely unaware of what happened after that.
The first time I woke up and was able to see, I was lying on a bed very similar to the one in Jack's our room. The Havaasanian with the melodic voice came in and started speaking quickly but I don't know what she said. Not then. I do now. 50 years is a long time to be in one place. Well 50 Earth years. It was 5 Havaasanian years. Time moves differently there.
Lillynatyrthia, the Havaasanian with the melodic voice who rescued me, was the one to nurse me back to health, to teach me the language and about Havaasana. I called her Lilly. She was the one protecting me from everything. At first it was a lot of games of charades and Pictonary. I was always rubbish at Pictionary. Turns out I still am. Or was. Pointing and picking up things worked better. Or imitating them. I got very good at acting things out. I could probably win an Oscar now. Or a BAFTA. It can't be that hard, against trying to get a Havaasanian to understand the word toilet.
Digressing again.
Anyway, after we got past the gaping language barrier, Lilly helped me understand what was going on. I know I said I didn't know what was going on when the Doctor mentioned it, but I didn't want the Doctor to go there. I didn't want him to take us there, to take me back there. And this is why:
Havaasana was in the middle of a war. A civil war, between the Cryogeneticists (Cryogens) and the Freedom Fighters. Scientists verses the Naturalists. All over money and power. And I had landed right in the middle of it all. Lucky me.
From what Lilly could tell me, one night while she was meeting friends at a local meeting place, she had inadvertently overheard some Cryogeneticists talking about their greatest asset - the capture of a Torchwood agent from Earth - and how he would make a perfect soldier.
I don't know what the cryogenics process does to humans, or I didn't before the Doctor did his tests, because I was the first human to be captured by the Cryogens. That's why I was such a prize. I was the biggest bargaining chip the Cryogens had. And I wasn't just any human. A Torchwood agent and an eidetic memory. Weapons handling, military tactical knowledge, to put it bluntly, if I was a mail order bride, I'd be quite the catch.
At first they were just making a mint from selling them to the rest of the galaxy, but when the Rebels started to gain followers, to actually fight back... my clones became the Cryogen's army. It was hell on Havaasana. Lilly told me of how they used to be a peaceful planet, before the scientific regime. Before the money and power corrupted the politicians, and made them forget about the people who they were meant to govern, to provide for. Instead they were now using them as slaves to provide for their clones who they sold off to the highest bidder in the surrounding systems.
I didn't know how, but I had become Jango Fett crossed with C-3PO. A bounty hunter and a gold, homosexual-like butler who could speak over 3 billion forms of communications. Well. They weren't far off with the C-3PO part. I'm not gold, and I don't speak more than 3 languages, and I identify as bi. But still.
R2 was cooler.
I had to explain that analogy to Lilly. She didn't get it. Of course. Sometimes I dream about Lilly and her melodic voice. The sad song she would sing at night about the loss of her mate, Clydenothiryth. The Cryogeneticists had taken Clyde and turned him into a clone pod. They'd used his DNA so much, he'd vanished. That's why when she heard about the human that had been captured and was being used for clones as being the greatest triumph, she knew she had to free me.
So she had enlisted the help of some friends of hers from the Rebels to get me out. I'd been set to defrost on purpose by one of the native Havaasanian rebel group who had infiltrated the cryogenics facility as a staff member to obtain inside information and feed it back to their headquarters.
But then it all turned to shit as it so often does. Nothing is ever done for free, is it? The Rebels triumph rested in freeing me from the Cryogenics facility.
The Cryogens wanted me back and they would do anything to capture me back.
The Rebels wanted me for their cause. I didn't want to fight. It wasn't my fight, it wasn't my cause. It wasn't my planet. I wanted to go home. I wanted to find Jack. But I … I couldn't just ignore what was happening to these people either.
I was stuck between my conscience and my heart. Lilly wanted me to be happy.
The Cryogens ended up making the decisions for us when found us. Lilly and I knew we had to get off Havaasana if we were to live. By that time, the Rebels were losing numbers fast, not through lack of believers, but because the Cryogens were creating clones faster than the Rebels could train new recruits. Science had an advantage when you could create fully functioning adult clones in 2 weeks.
Lilly was told of a way off the planet. One of the rebels had arranged for a supply ship to visit the planet. They told us when the supply ship would be at the spaceport. Lilly and I came up with a plan to escape Havaasana as stowaways on the ship. I had to make sure she was safe. She kept me alive, free, I couldn't leave her there. We had to leave everything behind, everyone else behind.
We made it to the rendezvous point at the spaceport but... the clones... they shot her down like she was an animal. Bullet wound to the femoral artery - or the equivalent I guess. I didn't really know Havaasanian physiology. I got her on board the supply ship. As she lay dying in my arms, she told me to go to Daelynea, to the Time Agency Academy. She heard about someone looking for someone who matched my description.
Where she heard these things, I'll never ever know.
But Lilly was always right.
So that's the truth. I knew about the clones. I didn't know that if I die I'll come back again. I did know I wouldn't age, but I've already told Jack that part. Oh, and before any questions can be asked, Lilly and I were never, ever more than friends. She was like Rhiannon to me. I used to tell her about Jack. She got sick of hearing about Jack. I wish they could have met. She would have liked him. He would have tried to hit on her. She would have shot him down in flames. It would have been entertaining. Besides, Havaasanians mate for life.
After a few years I began to think I made him up, that he was a figment of my imagination... like Earth was. By the time I reached Daelynea, Earth was a planet of fascination... a vague memory or a place from my dreams. So was Jack. But both were ones I held onto. They kept me going, kept me fighting through the blood and the sweat, the filth and shit and stench. The horrific screams and death and destruction.
50 years of war. 50 years of blood, sweat, filth. That's the real reason I scored so high on the entry scores to the Time Agency's admittance exams. Experience.
Every night I dream about them. Lilly. Her sad song. The cold and the dark. The blood and the moss green barren fields of Havaasana.
And every night I scream.
~*~
Jack closed the diary and placed it back on the night stand. He held his head in his hands for a moment and tried to centre himself. It was a lot of information to take in. Not only that, now he had to do the one thing he didn't want to do. He had to be honest himself. He lifted his head and rested it on the tips of his fingers. He needed some air. Jack pushed up and climbed the ladder to his office. He grabbed his coat and pulled it on as he made his way down the stairs to the tunnel and up to the lift to the Tourist Office.
“Jack,” Donna said as he came through the doorway. Jack turned and walked backwards to the front door. “Oi, c'mere you! Where are you off to?”
“Out,” he replied. “I'm on my cell if there's anything disastrous.”
“And if Ianto asks?” she called out but Jack just waved before the door slammed shut behind him.
Jack found a roof to brood on, and stayed there until it turned dark. With his hands in his pockets and the wind in his face, Jack stood there like Batman, his coat billowed out behind him in the gusty gales while he stared out at the city of Cardiff below while the sun went down. Traffic thickened, lights came on, businesses closed, businesses opened. All of these people below depended on them, on his team, to keep them safe... from alien invasion, from strange and sometimes deadly artefacts, from... He looked up and dragged in a breath.
How could he keep all these people safe? How could he... He couldn't save the love of his life from torture, from war, from pain. How could he save these people? The people he didn't know? The people he didn't really care that much about, not if it came down to a choice. How could he save any of them?
“I hope you're not thinking about jumping.”
Jack turned. Ianto was standing behind him, his hands in his pants pockets. “How did you know I was here?”
“I know everything, Jack.” Ianto relented and looked around. “Tallest roof in Cardiff? Pretty safe bet. You were always good with roofs.” Jack looked at the ground. “So. You read it then.”
“Yeah.” Jack said in a strangled voice.
“You're up here wallowing in self pity, are you?” Ianto asked, stepping closer.
“Thinking about it.”
Ianto nodded. “Well my advice would be don't waste your time. You know, if you were asking.”
“I wasn't asking.”
Ianto gave him a small smile. “I know.”
“What are you doing here?” Jack asked him, taking a step closer, but still looking at him warily.
“Making sure you don't jump.”
“It's not like I'd die.”
Ianto glared. “You'd die, Jack, don't be so fucking apathetic.”
Jack at least had the decency to look contrite. “I'm not apathetic! I was going for masochistic.”
“Either way, you're not in the least bit amusing. Not to me.”
Jack looked back at the ground. “Sorry.” He blew out a breath and turned back to the view. “Nice night.”
Ianto stepped up beside him and stared out at the Cardiff skyline. “At least you brood with a view.” He blew out a sigh. “Look, I don't know if you're up here because of what you read in the diary, or because you don't want to tell me what you promised to about my old ones-”
“It's both.”
Ianto sighed. “Jack. There is nothing you can tell me that would make me walk away from you.” Jack gave Ianto a look. “Okay. Short of fucking Gwen or John Hart, there's nothing you can tell me-”
“I'm sorry.”
Ianto swallowed. “What for?”
“I couldn't save you. Couldn't keep you safe. God, it's like Gray all over again. I let go of his hand, you go out for milk-”
“Oh, yes, I can see how they are remotely similar.” Ianto turned to Jack, reaching out to make Jack face him. “For fuck's sake, Jack, it is not your job to save the fucking world, no matter how much you want to play the dashing hero rushing in to save the day.”
“Yes it is!”
“Jack!” He shook the lapels of Jack's coat in frustration.
“Hey, that's why Lizzie pays me the big bucks, remember? Risking life and limb to keep the British Empire safe from alien invasion.” Jack gave him a smirk but Ianto saw right through it.
“It wasn't an alien invasion,” Ianto reminded him softly with a shake of his head. “You couldn't have saved me, Cariad. The cloning process... it changed my DNA. There's no possible way you could have found me. The Cryogeneticists made sure of it. You understand this, don't you?”
Jack reached out to cup Ianto's cheeks. “You weren't meant to be touched by war, Ianto. My beautiful Ianto.”
“Torchwood, Jack. Canary Wharf, Cardiff... I was a little prepared for it.”
“You telling me what we do here prepared you for Havaasana?”
Ianto shrugged. “Well. Some of it.” Ianto manoeuvred his arms inside Jack's coat and wound them around Jack's waist. “The point is, I think you're still feeling guilty for not finding me sooner.” Jack's eyes gave him away. “You have to find a way to forgive yourself for that.”
“But-”
“Jack. Stop.” Ianto moved his head to catch Jack's dropped eyes. “I love you. There is nothing to forgive you for, but if it will make you feel better, you may have it. But I cannot give you your own. Only you can do that.”
Jack pulled Ianto closer, wrapping his arms around him. He blew out a breath and buried his head in Ianto's neck. Jack lifted his head and rested his chin on Ianto's shoulder.
“I don't know if I can, Yan.”
Ianto pulled back to look at Jack. “You need to.”
Jack closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Ianto's. “I don't want to tell you about the diaries.”
“Jack.”
“Please, Ianto. Please. Don't make me.”
Ianto kissed him. “I'm not going to make you do anything, Cariad.”
“But I promised.”
Ianto smiled and pulled out of Jack's arms, extending his hand. “Let's go home.”
“Ianto.”
“Let's go home, Jack. I'm hungry.”
Jack lifted his hand and put it into Ianto's. Ianto squeezed it, and pulled him away from the edge of the building. They made their way down to where Ianto had parked their SUV on the street in silence, yet Ianto never let go of Jack's hand. Jack looked down at their threaded fingers.
“Jack?” Ianto asked as they reached the car.
“Yeah?”
“You want to drive?” He held up the keys. Jack shook his head and brought their joined hands up to his lips to press a kiss to the back of Ianto's. “Okay. What do you say we pick up a pizza?”
~*~
Jack rested his head on Ianto's shoulder and slung a leg between Ianto's, his arm around Ianto's waist. Ianto's fingertips skimmed up and down Jack's sweat-soaked back, the sheet barely covering their naked waists. The air was thick with the scent of sex and Jack's pheromones.
“I'm scared Ianto,” Jack said softly in the dark.
Ianto moved his head to look down at his lover, “Why?”
“I'm scared if I tell you, you'll hate me.” Jack closed his eyes. “I... I can't... I need you, Ianto. I love you.”
Ianto swallowed hard. “Jack, there's nothing you can't tell me that we can't work through.”
“Promise me.” Jack looked up at where Ianto's face should be, and groped for it in the dark. “Promise me that no matter what, we'll work through it. Please.”
“Fucking hell, Jack, you're scaring me.”
“Promise me.”
Ianto found the back of Jack's head in the dark and pulled him up to kiss him deeply. “I promise. I promise, Jack.”
Jack breathed a sigh of relief and pressed a kiss to Ianto's bare shoulder. “I missed you so much Yan. So fucking much. Every single day. Not a day went by that I didn't read one of your diaries. I don't know what was more torturous, the fact that you wrote about us, or that you wrote about us in such detail. For the first few years when the loneliness got too much, I just pulled out the diaries and jerked off to them, the descriptions of us. It was enough... for a while. It didn't start until 6 years after you were taken. It doesn't seem that long in the grand scheme of things but at the time... it was a lifetime without you. I was on Myrexlyia I think. I can't even remember who it was...”
“You fucked someone else.”
“I couldn't even look at them. They all looked the same. White skin, black hair... fucked them from behind so I could pretend... but it was never you. It wasn't you. It was hard and fast, like punishment. I don't know who I was punishing, me or them. Me for needing it, them for reminding me of you. I felt sick afterwards. Sometimes I'd throw up. Always felt dirty and ashamed of myself. The first time, I threw him out of my hotel room and then shot myself in the head. I just... I couldn't stand his touch on me. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't feel you anymore, it was all him. And I needed to get him off. And that was the only way I could do it. It was as if I was cleansing myself of their touch. They never touched me if I died and revived.” Jack shook his head. “It became a ritual. I got lonely, I found someone and fucked them, then I'd kick them out, read your diary and kill myself.”
Ianto's eyes welled with tears at the thought of Jack doing that. Killing himself repeatedly. “Jack.”
“At first I was careful. I kept the diaries clean.” His voice was starting to choke up. “But then I started to get sloppy the more time passed. I didn't mean to get blood on them. I never meant for any of it.”
Ianto wrapped Jack up in his arms. “Shh, hey, it's okay. I'm here now.”
“I'm sorry, Yan. I'm so sorry!” Jack sobbed, climbing on top of Ianto and clinging to him.
“It's okay, Jack. It's okay.” Ianto held him tightly as he cried. Ianto closed his eyes against his own grief, but it wasn't about that right now. It was about helping Jack. Getting Jack through it was the important thing, what he needed to concentrate on. “I love you, Jack. It's okay.” He kissed Jack's hair, then peppered his forehead with kisses.
Jack lifted his head. “I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ianto. I love you.” Jack kissed Ianto deeply. “Please, forgive me. Please.”
Ianto kissed him again. “I forgive you, Jack,” Ianto said, knowing that there was nothing to forgive him for, but Jack wouldn't accept anything less than the words he thought he needed. “Jack... I want you to do something for me.”
Jack stilled. “What?”
“Fuck me like one of your replacements.”
Jack drew back in horror. “What?! No!” Jack scrambled back onto his knees. “No!”
“Jack,” Ianto sat up and reached for him but Jack recoiled. “Jack, please.”
“Why? Why would you want that?” Jack shook his head. “I can't! I can't do that!”
Ianto knelt on the bed and grasped Jack by the biceps, squeezing the muscles. “Jack, listen to me,” he said, sliding his hand up Jack's arm to his shoulder and then to the back of his neck, holding Jack's head against Ianto's. “Please. You did it for so long, over and over. You needed it. For whatever reason, you needed it.”
“I needed you,” Jack protested weakly, his arms wrapping around Ianto's waist, fingers digging into his back.
“Let this be your absolution. Let me be your absolution.” Ianto held his breath.
Jack swallowed hard as he stared at the dark space that was his lover. “Turn on the lamp,” he whispered, anguish evident.
“Jack-”
“Do it now, before I change my mind,” Jack ordered quietly. Ianto kissed Jack briefly then pulled out of his arms and crawled over to pull on the lamp's leaver to bathe the room in a soft amber glow, causing both men to wince at first.
Ianto turned back to Jack. “Now what?” He asked gently.
Jack swallowed and looked away. He cleared his throat. “I, ah, I would get them to strip and then suck me to hardness.”
Ianto nodded, and waved at Jack to stand up. Ianto got to his knees and lifted Jack's half hard cock up and wrapped his lips around the head, sucking hard. He heard Jack's hiss in response and used his tongue to dip into the slit, licking around the sensitive head and under the foreskin. Opening his mouth, Ianto let Jack's cock slide further in, pleased to feel it swell and lengthen. He used every trick he knew to give Jack pleasure, licking, sucking and pulling on his cock when he couldn't fit it all in his mouth and throat, using his free hand to caress and roll his balls, drawing out the moans and sighs above him as if he were conducting a symphony.
Suddenly Jack pulled back, panting. “Get on the bed, hands and knees. Face the wall,” he demanded. Ianto scrambled up, his own cock hard and aching bounced and slapped against his thigh, leaving a trail of clear liquid in its wake. “Don't touch yourself,” Jack added, as Ianto settled into position.
Jack pulled open the night stand and grabbed the tube of lubricant. He slicked up his cock and three of his fingers, discarding the tube in the drawer. Jack knelt on the double camp bed behind his lover, a hand on Ianto's flank to help steady him as he closed his eyes.
“Jack.” Ianto moved backwards to urge him on.
“Shut up,” Jack growled. “You don't talk. You don't say anything,” he said as he moved his hand up and down the white spine in front of him. Jack frowned as he was transported back, back to where Ianto was gone and all he had were memories. Jack reverently parted Ianto's cheeks, revealing the puckered hole hidden between them. Jack teased the rim with his wet fingers, before pulling on the edge and pushing two fingers inside. Ianto tensed at the intrusion, and forced himself to relax. “Ianto,” Jack whispered, pushing his fingers in and pulling them back out again. “Ianto...I...” Jack choked up and pushed the fingers in again, harder, making Ianto gasp. Jack pulled them out and pushed in a third before Ianto was ready.
“Jack,” Ianto protested, but Jack was lost in his mind.
“Think you can be him, think you replace him,” Jack muttered, as he stretched Ianto roughly. He pulled his fingers out and lined himself up. “No one will replace him,” Jack said, and pushed inside, pulling Ianto's hips back against his. “No one can.”
Jack pulled back, paused a moment then thrust in hard. Ianto cried out. Jack's hands massaged up Ianto's sides, and hooked around to pull Ianto back against him. Ianto groaned at the change of angle, his knees automatically spreading wider for balance and to offer himself up to Jack, seeking any pleasure he could find. Jack buried his head in Ianto's neck, one arm wrapped around his shoulders, the other around his hips as he pounded into Ianto punishingly.
“Jack,” Ianto moaned when he threw his head back. He was flying on sensation, Jack's pheromones filling the room and making him drowsy. The almost brutal force that Jack was thrusting into him was a surprising turn on. “Fuck, Jack...so good...” Ianto's words penetrated through Jack's internal monologue of self-loathing and shame.
Jack lifted his head, and stared down at the man in his arms. “Oh my God,” he said horrified, pulling out and pushing Ianto away.
“What the-” Ianto turned around to see Jack trembling and curling in on himself.
“You're not...you could never be... Just leave. Please. Just leave.” Jack's eyes were glazed, like he wasn't there.
“Jack!” Ianto moved over to his lover, forcing him to look up. “Jack, look at me. Jack, c'mon. Come back to me.” Ianto was frantic. Jack wasn't responding to him. “Jack!”
Jack frowned and shook his head a little. “Ianto? Are you real?”
“I'm here, cariad,” Ianto said, relief washing over him. “I'm here.”
“Ianto!” Jack surged up and buried his head in Ianto's neck, his arms wrapping around him, holding him in a vice grip. “Ianto, don't leave me. Don't leave me, please, don't go. Don't go.”
“Never, Jack. I'm not going anywhere,” Ianto soothed. “It's okay, Jack. I'm here now.” Ianto pushed Jack back down on the bed. “Let me take care of you,” he said as he brushed Jack's hair off his face, and peppered it with kisses. Jack nodded, his eyes watching Ianto's every move. Ianto straddled Jack, grinding his arse against Jack's now half hard cock. “I love you, Jack. You found me. I'm here, and I'm never leaving you again. Not unless it's what you want.”
“Never,” Jack whimpered. “Never want that.”
Ianto captured Jack's lips and sucked on the flesh, teasing it with his teeth and soothing the sting with his tongue. Jack writhed up against Ianto, groaning and digging his fingers hard into Ianto's back muscles. Ianto rose up onto his knees and reached back to find Jack's cock with his hand. He made sure Jack was hard enough before lining himself up and sinking down slowly until he bottomed out. Jack vocalised his appreciation, his hands finding Ianto's hips, and bending his knees to bring his feet up flat on the bed for some leverage.
“Keep your eyes on mine, Jack,” Ianto said, tilting his pelvis to make himself rise up before lowering himself again. “Just watch me.”
Jack pushed himself up into Ianto hard, pulling Ianto's hips down onto his own, hissing at the pleasure that coursed through him. “I love you, Ianto,” he said, his eyes looking directly into his lover's. “Only you. For eternity.”
“Love you too,” Ianto moaned, wanting desperately to arch back and pull on his own cock. “Fuck. Fuck.” Ianto sped up his rotation of his hips, and wrapped a hand around himself. Jack batted his hand out of the way and took over. Ianto panted and closed his eyes for a moment before he lifted his head, making sure that Jack was still watching him.
“So beautiful, Yan,” Jack whispered reverently. “So gorgeous. No one is more beautiful than you are like this.” Jack ran a hand up and down Ianto's chest, fingers running through the dark smattering of hair on the white skin. His hand ended it's journey wrapped around Ianto's cock, jerking it in time with Ianto's rhythm on Jack's. “So lucky,” Jack said, watching him. “So lucky to have you back. Never letting you go, Ianto. Never.” Ianto felt his balls draw up and shuddered through his orgasm. Jack helped him through it. “So beautiful.”
Ianto felt sated and lethargic as he collapsed against Jack. “I love you.”
Jack kissed him deeply. “Love you too, baby.”
“Fuck me, Jack. Come inside me.” Jack held onto Ianto and pushed them back to the other end of the bed so he was on top. Kneeling up to garner the leverage he needed, Jack hooked Ianto's legs over his arms. Ianto gave him a dopey, relaxed smile. “C'mon Jack. Show me what you're made of.” Jack started to thrust in and out, angling to hit Ianto's prostate. “Look at me, Jack,” Ianto reminded him. “Keep looking at me.”
“Ianto,” Jack whispered.
“I'm right here.” Ianto leaned up to kiss Jack, “For as long as you want me.”
“Forever.”
“Forever it is,” Ianto agreed, and Jack felt his balls draw up and orgasm explode inside his lover. When Jack came to, Ianto was smiling up at him. His fingers were running through his sweat-soaked hair. “Welcome back.”
“I passed out?” Jack asked, looking around. He carefully eased his way out of Ianto's arse and moved off his chest and to the side a little so he could breath, but his arm was still flung over him possessively.
“Seems me agreeing to be with you for eternity was a little too much for you. Are you sure it's what you want?” Ianto asked, half jokingly, half honestly asking.
Jack found the energy to push himself up a little. “I'll do whatever you want, Yan. You want rings, we'll get rings. You want a ceremony, we'll do a commitment ceremony, civil partnership, whatever they're called. You want tattoos, I'll tattoo your name on my goddamn ass. Whatever it will take to make you believe that you are it for me, I'll do it.”
Ianto gave Jack a small smile. “You know, for someone as charming as you are, you really suck at romance, you know that?”
Jack looked offended. “What? I'm romantic!”
Ianto rolled his eyes. “If you want me to do any of those things, you're going to have to figure out a much nicer, more appropriate way of asking than that... rubbish.”
“I thought you wanted them?” Jack asked, confused.
“Wanted what?”
“Commitment? You know, labels, commitment, the whole nine yards. Isn't that what you wanted?” Jack asked, frowning. He was sure that's what was in Ianto's diaries.
“I wanted to know where I stood with you, Jack. I know that now. I don't need a commitment from you, though it is nice to have one. I appreciate that. Thank you. I didn't think you wanted to be... formally joined so to speak... with anyone,” Ianto worded carefully.
“That was before!” Jack waved off.
“Before?”
“Before. You know,” Jack waved at him.
“Oh. Before I became 230 years old you mean?” Ianto asked, raising an eyebrow.
“You certainly don't feel 230 years old, believe me,” Jack grinned. “But yeah.”
Ianto nodded. “Right. So now I'm immortal, I'm okay to be in a relationship with, but before when there was a chance I'd kark it, well, let's just string him along. Is that it?” Ianto asked, hurt welling.
“Ye- no! No! Of course not!”
“I see.” Ianto tried to push Jack off him. “Jack, get off me.”
“No.” Instead, Jack moved further onto Ianto, pinning him. “Now you listen to me, Ianto Jones. I know that I was an idiot back then. I was. I was stupid, and blind. But I loved you, and only you. There was no one else but you. And whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not, we were in a relationship, just like we are now.” Jack toyed with the loose lock of black hair on Ianto's forehead before brushing it back. “I love you Ianto. You and your need for organisation, and your desire to always be right, and your infuriating lack of belief that I am in this with you for the long haul. I love you, and only you. And I want to be with you forever. It would be an honour if you would spend forever with me, and put up with my outrageously flirtatious nature and dashingly good looks, my ability to attract trouble like a magnet and to remind me to be more human than robot when I forget to be?” A tear slid out the side of Ianto's eye. “Ianto?”
“I can't fucking believe it.”
“Believe what?” Jack asked. “What's wrong?”
“I was wrong,” Ianto said softly. “Turns out you can do romance after all,” he said, pulling Jack's head down to kiss him deeply.
Next Story in Time Verse is The Curious Case Of Ianto Jones
Author: magikalrhiannon
Beta: kajmere, trueblue55 and soul1essharpy
Fandom: Torchwood AU
Verse: Time Verse
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC17
Spoilers: All up to Season 2 Ep 11 Adrift
Summary: Jack made a deal with Ianto... the day Ianto told him about Havaasana, he would tell Ianto what caused the blood on his diaries. A deal is a deal.
Word Count: 7468
Disclaimer: All rights belong to BBC and Russell T Davies. I'm just finger-painting in someone else's masterpiece. No infringement intended.
Notes: For kajmere, cuz she owns me. Massive thanks to all three of my betas on this one. It was a massive undertaking for the sheer difference in normal format to what I normally produce, and my whining about it. 8 Drafts later, but we finally got there! *hugs all around* A great collaborative effort. Thank you so much!!
You will need to read Adrift In Time for this to make any sense.
Follows Interrogation Techniques
Monday, August 2 2010
Jack said it might help with the nightmares if I write down what plagues them since I refuse to talk about it. Apparently it's either this or he's sending me to a psychiatrist because he's tired of being punched in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.
There probably is a reason that he's not telling me about.
Regardless, I do not want to see a shrink. So, I'm going to try his suggestion.
Before I do, there is a confession I need to make, and I hope he forgives me for it. My carers... I have always maintained that they wanted me to go into cryogenics like them. This is a lie. A rather large one, in fact. I hate myself for continually lying to Jack, especially after I realised who he really was to me on Daelynea but... well... there is nothing I can do about that now. I had promised myself that I would never lie to him again, not after Lisa, but well, we can see now how that played out. Well done me. I only hope that once he knows the full story he will understand why I lied and that in time he can forgive me. That we can move past it. It was easier to keep the facade of not knowing what was going on back on Havaasana to the Doctor if Jack believed the lie, than to have both of us lie too.
This entry will probably be jumbled because, well, frankly my mind is a little jumbled right now. Here goes:
It's always cold. When I dream, it's always cold. Dark and cold. That was the first thing to come to my mind. Cold and dark. I think that's why I only ever sleep naked if we've had sex right before we sleep, and even then I'll generally pull on some clothes before I pass out. It drives Jack insane. He likes me naked. He likes my skin on his. But I'm always cold. I try to move my fingers, but nothing moves. That's when the fear shivers down my spine, when I realise that nothing moves. My eyes are closed, and my mouth, jaw, nothing moves. Not even my toes. Everything is... frozen. I feel frozen. So cold and dark. I'm always back there. Back in that pod. Back in the … facility. Like out of “The Matrix” but worse.
Well. At least there was no jelly.
Sometimes I wake up gasping because my mouth won't open because it's frozen shut.
I remember thinking, “Jack. Where are you? Please, come get me?! Jack?” Sometimes I wake up gasping Jack's name.
It sounds pathetic but I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I was terrified, plain and simple. Yet I knew I was alone. Alone and in the dark. I couldn't move. Why couldn't I move? I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I could do. I couldn't do anything, lying there, frozen.
What would Jack do? That was my second thought. What would Jack do? Kind of like a catch phrase. My mantra really. WWJD. What would Jack do?
Jack. The thought of him made my heart ache, but he kept me going. Jack always kept me going. The thought of him out there. Looking for me. He had to be looking for me. He would be looking for me. Wouldn't he? He wouldn't just … let me go, would he?
The last time I saw Jack, he'd kissed me goodbye. Even now I don't know why he did that. I wasn't going to. We didn't do that kind of thing. We weren't like that. We were... complicated. Unique. We were just... us. I couldn't put a label on what we were, not back then. I don't even know if I wanted to. No, that's not true. I did want to put a label on us. I didn't want to know if Jack didn't. That would be more accurate. That fear held me back from ever having that conversation, that closure. Thinking back now, it was my fault we were like that. I was the one putting distance between us, pulling away whenever someone walked in, changing the topic, moving away.
I was unsure of how to deal with it. I didn't know if he wanted to. I... it doesn't even matter now. Water under the bridge and all that.
But that day... that last time I saw Jack... I slipped. I said the words I thought every time we... made love. I said them out loud. I made it real. To me. To him.
And Jack said “Don't.”
He didn't push me away though. In fact, Jack held me closer, held me tighter. Jack was... more tender, more loving. Jack loved me. I knew it. Bone deep, in that moment, I knew it. He just couldn't say it. That was okay. It really was okay that he couldn't say it. He didn't have to say it.
I didn't need to hear it. It wasn't like I needed flowers and candy, romance and confirmation, or affirmation and constant reassurance.
Well. Not constant.
Acknowledgement would be nice. But not entirely necessary.
Jack, after all, is a man of action. I don't need three little words when his actions speak for themselves.
But they are nice - now that he can say them.
I digress. Badly.
My dreams.
I knew Jack would find me, that he would be looking for me. That last morning, that kiss goodbye... that was what made me sure he would be searching for me.
Jack wants me to tell him about what happened on Havaasana. Not just the Cryogen (I've already updated the Torchwood database with all the information I can remember on Havaasana's cryogenics process, just in case, but I have a feeling that isn't the information Jack's talking about, not really) but the planet itself. I don't like thinking about it. I dream about it enough. If I'm not dreaming about waking up in that fucking cryogen facility, I dream about being taken by the rift and landing on Havaasana. The laser weapons pointed at my face. The strange beings yelling at me in a language I'd never heard of. The bright light but cold surroundings. Being lost and confused and scared. So scared.
I hadn't been that scared since the Brecon Beacons. Quite frankly I think I'd rather take on the cannibals again. At least they spoke English, even if they were deranged. And I was only there for what 2 days?
Maybe I should start at the beginning. None of this is making any sense. Let me see, I remember nearly everything about that morning. I remember Jack waking me up with the most sensual and tender sex we had ever had, before I blurted out my true feelings. Well done me, though that could have turned out a lot worse than what it did. We showered together before making our way upstairs to prepare for the day. Ah yes, that shower included a delicious blow job. Jack nearly cracked his skull open on the shower head when he came and missed his footing on the slippery floor. I definitely remember that.
Upstairs... we were out of milk. I told Jack I'd go get some and waved off his suggestion to get one of the girls to bring some in on their way, mainly because I didn't want to put up with his bitching about being decaffeinated for 2 hours. A decaffeinated Jack should only be put up with when he's on punishment. Excellent rule of thumb.
Except in this instance, hindsight's a beautiful thing, is it not?
The morning was warm, the sun was shining - I don't recall there being any birds chirping but the pigeons were possibly shitting everywhere. Come to think of it, that right there should have tipped me off that something was going to go wrong. Sun shining in July? It should have been raining. The air was crisp, the Plass was empty save for a few early birds on their way to wherever they were headed to. I walked down to the local convenience store to purchase a couple of bottles of milk. It was a quick errand. It shouldn't have taken too long. I remember the strangest of things like the florist hadn't opened yet and I felt like making us bacon and eggs for breakfast.
I had to remind Jack to pick up... something. That's the one thing I can't remember now. I wonder if Jack knows what it was. Probably not. I do remember holding my phone texting Jack to remember to pick up... something when there was a flash of light and it felt like I had been yanked from behind, then I was flying and tumbling.
When I landed hard it was on the ground of this cold, empty... field? I think I hit my head at first. It felt like it did when I got knocked out when I broke my leg as a child. Everything was a little fuzzy at first when I looked around. The ground was like... moss, soft and green. It was slippery under my hands. I was glad I wore boots with my suits. People don't really look at your shoes, and the boots had grip. I think I was wearing them because my last pair of dress shoes had been ruined by a hoix. Where was I? Oh yes, landing. There was no shelter. No trees, no rocks, no... anything. It was barren, mossy ground, which seemed impossible. The sun, or what I thought was the sun, shone down but it was so cold. I looked up, but it was like looking straight at the sun, it was so bright. Blinding. I fell back down on the ground. My head was pounding and I was bleeding at the back of my head, presumably from when I hit it when I landed, but I couldn't see what I would have cut it on.
That's when I heard the yelling. I can't remember now what they were saying though I have learned the language out of necessity. I think the blow to the head is the cause for the lack of memory. As per Jack's training, my hand automatically went for my sidearm but it wasn't there. I had left the office unarmed - something I know he would kick my arse for if he were to ever locate me and it would be a bollocking I would deserve because dammit, I know better than that! However, history cannot be rewritten and what's done is done. I left unarmed, and there I was, alone in a foreign place and I obviously didn't speak the language.
I was, in a word, fucked.
I looked up and saw two tall aliens standing over me. Their skin was pearl white in colour, and covered in fine white hairs, almost like a fur. Their clothing looked like it was made of blue leathery type material. Their eyes were large, bulbous and blue. They were sleek, but armed.
I raised my arms up in the air and pleaded with them. I mean, what the hell was I going to do? I was alone, unarmed and I didn't understand them. I had no chance. One of them aimed their weapon at my arm and fired.
That's all I remember until I woke up. Frozen. In a pod in what turned out to be a cryogenic cloning facility.
The Doctor asked how I got out of the cryogenics facility. Truth is... I don't really know. I remember a melodic voice talking to me in the cold, dark cryo facility. And I remember being pulled out of the pod and put into what I assume was some sort of bodybag. It was awfully dark, dank and not pleasant. The melodic voice said something before I felt a sting. I am completely unaware of what happened after that.
The first time I woke up and was able to see, I was lying on a bed very similar to the one in Jack's our room. The Havaasanian with the melodic voice came in and started speaking quickly but I don't know what she said. Not then. I do now. 50 years is a long time to be in one place. Well 50 Earth years. It was 5 Havaasanian years. Time moves differently there.
Lillynatyrthia, the Havaasanian with the melodic voice who rescued me, was the one to nurse me back to health, to teach me the language and about Havaasana. I called her Lilly. She was the one protecting me from everything. At first it was a lot of games of charades and Pictonary. I was always rubbish at Pictionary. Turns out I still am. Or was. Pointing and picking up things worked better. Or imitating them. I got very good at acting things out. I could probably win an Oscar now. Or a BAFTA. It can't be that hard, against trying to get a Havaasanian to understand the word toilet.
Digressing again.
Anyway, after we got past the gaping language barrier, Lilly helped me understand what was going on. I know I said I didn't know what was going on when the Doctor mentioned it, but I didn't want the Doctor to go there. I didn't want him to take us there, to take me back there. And this is why:
Havaasana was in the middle of a war. A civil war, between the Cryogeneticists (Cryogens) and the Freedom Fighters. Scientists verses the Naturalists. All over money and power. And I had landed right in the middle of it all. Lucky me.
From what Lilly could tell me, one night while she was meeting friends at a local meeting place, she had inadvertently overheard some Cryogeneticists talking about their greatest asset - the capture of a Torchwood agent from Earth - and how he would make a perfect soldier.
I don't know what the cryogenics process does to humans, or I didn't before the Doctor did his tests, because I was the first human to be captured by the Cryogens. That's why I was such a prize. I was the biggest bargaining chip the Cryogens had. And I wasn't just any human. A Torchwood agent and an eidetic memory. Weapons handling, military tactical knowledge, to put it bluntly, if I was a mail order bride, I'd be quite the catch.
At first they were just making a mint from selling them to the rest of the galaxy, but when the Rebels started to gain followers, to actually fight back... my clones became the Cryogen's army. It was hell on Havaasana. Lilly told me of how they used to be a peaceful planet, before the scientific regime. Before the money and power corrupted the politicians, and made them forget about the people who they were meant to govern, to provide for. Instead they were now using them as slaves to provide for their clones who they sold off to the highest bidder in the surrounding systems.
I didn't know how, but I had become Jango Fett crossed with C-3PO. A bounty hunter and a gold, homosexual-like butler who could speak over 3 billion forms of communications. Well. They weren't far off with the C-3PO part. I'm not gold, and I don't speak more than 3 languages, and I identify as bi. But still.
R2 was cooler.
I had to explain that analogy to Lilly. She didn't get it. Of course. Sometimes I dream about Lilly and her melodic voice. The sad song she would sing at night about the loss of her mate, Clydenothiryth. The Cryogeneticists had taken Clyde and turned him into a clone pod. They'd used his DNA so much, he'd vanished. That's why when she heard about the human that had been captured and was being used for clones as being the greatest triumph, she knew she had to free me.
So she had enlisted the help of some friends of hers from the Rebels to get me out. I'd been set to defrost on purpose by one of the native Havaasanian rebel group who had infiltrated the cryogenics facility as a staff member to obtain inside information and feed it back to their headquarters.
But then it all turned to shit as it so often does. Nothing is ever done for free, is it? The Rebels triumph rested in freeing me from the Cryogenics facility.
The Cryogens wanted me back and they would do anything to capture me back.
The Rebels wanted me for their cause. I didn't want to fight. It wasn't my fight, it wasn't my cause. It wasn't my planet. I wanted to go home. I wanted to find Jack. But I … I couldn't just ignore what was happening to these people either.
I was stuck between my conscience and my heart. Lilly wanted me to be happy.
The Cryogens ended up making the decisions for us when found us. Lilly and I knew we had to get off Havaasana if we were to live. By that time, the Rebels were losing numbers fast, not through lack of believers, but because the Cryogens were creating clones faster than the Rebels could train new recruits. Science had an advantage when you could create fully functioning adult clones in 2 weeks.
Lilly was told of a way off the planet. One of the rebels had arranged for a supply ship to visit the planet. They told us when the supply ship would be at the spaceport. Lilly and I came up with a plan to escape Havaasana as stowaways on the ship. I had to make sure she was safe. She kept me alive, free, I couldn't leave her there. We had to leave everything behind, everyone else behind.
We made it to the rendezvous point at the spaceport but... the clones... they shot her down like she was an animal. Bullet wound to the femoral artery - or the equivalent I guess. I didn't really know Havaasanian physiology. I got her on board the supply ship. As she lay dying in my arms, she told me to go to Daelynea, to the Time Agency Academy. She heard about someone looking for someone who matched my description.
Where she heard these things, I'll never ever know.
But Lilly was always right.
So that's the truth. I knew about the clones. I didn't know that if I die I'll come back again. I did know I wouldn't age, but I've already told Jack that part. Oh, and before any questions can be asked, Lilly and I were never, ever more than friends. She was like Rhiannon to me. I used to tell her about Jack. She got sick of hearing about Jack. I wish they could have met. She would have liked him. He would have tried to hit on her. She would have shot him down in flames. It would have been entertaining. Besides, Havaasanians mate for life.
After a few years I began to think I made him up, that he was a figment of my imagination... like Earth was. By the time I reached Daelynea, Earth was a planet of fascination... a vague memory or a place from my dreams. So was Jack. But both were ones I held onto. They kept me going, kept me fighting through the blood and the sweat, the filth and shit and stench. The horrific screams and death and destruction.
50 years of war. 50 years of blood, sweat, filth. That's the real reason I scored so high on the entry scores to the Time Agency's admittance exams. Experience.
Every night I dream about them. Lilly. Her sad song. The cold and the dark. The blood and the moss green barren fields of Havaasana.
And every night I scream.
~*~
Jack closed the diary and placed it back on the night stand. He held his head in his hands for a moment and tried to centre himself. It was a lot of information to take in. Not only that, now he had to do the one thing he didn't want to do. He had to be honest himself. He lifted his head and rested it on the tips of his fingers. He needed some air. Jack pushed up and climbed the ladder to his office. He grabbed his coat and pulled it on as he made his way down the stairs to the tunnel and up to the lift to the Tourist Office.
“Jack,” Donna said as he came through the doorway. Jack turned and walked backwards to the front door. “Oi, c'mere you! Where are you off to?”
“Out,” he replied. “I'm on my cell if there's anything disastrous.”
“And if Ianto asks?” she called out but Jack just waved before the door slammed shut behind him.
Jack found a roof to brood on, and stayed there until it turned dark. With his hands in his pockets and the wind in his face, Jack stood there like Batman, his coat billowed out behind him in the gusty gales while he stared out at the city of Cardiff below while the sun went down. Traffic thickened, lights came on, businesses closed, businesses opened. All of these people below depended on them, on his team, to keep them safe... from alien invasion, from strange and sometimes deadly artefacts, from... He looked up and dragged in a breath.
How could he keep all these people safe? How could he... He couldn't save the love of his life from torture, from war, from pain. How could he save these people? The people he didn't know? The people he didn't really care that much about, not if it came down to a choice. How could he save any of them?
“I hope you're not thinking about jumping.”
Jack turned. Ianto was standing behind him, his hands in his pants pockets. “How did you know I was here?”
“I know everything, Jack.” Ianto relented and looked around. “Tallest roof in Cardiff? Pretty safe bet. You were always good with roofs.” Jack looked at the ground. “So. You read it then.”
“Yeah.” Jack said in a strangled voice.
“You're up here wallowing in self pity, are you?” Ianto asked, stepping closer.
“Thinking about it.”
Ianto nodded. “Well my advice would be don't waste your time. You know, if you were asking.”
“I wasn't asking.”
Ianto gave him a small smile. “I know.”
“What are you doing here?” Jack asked him, taking a step closer, but still looking at him warily.
“Making sure you don't jump.”
“It's not like I'd die.”
Ianto glared. “You'd die, Jack, don't be so fucking apathetic.”
Jack at least had the decency to look contrite. “I'm not apathetic! I was going for masochistic.”
“Either way, you're not in the least bit amusing. Not to me.”
Jack looked back at the ground. “Sorry.” He blew out a breath and turned back to the view. “Nice night.”
Ianto stepped up beside him and stared out at the Cardiff skyline. “At least you brood with a view.” He blew out a sigh. “Look, I don't know if you're up here because of what you read in the diary, or because you don't want to tell me what you promised to about my old ones-”
“It's both.”
Ianto sighed. “Jack. There is nothing you can tell me that would make me walk away from you.” Jack gave Ianto a look. “Okay. Short of fucking Gwen or John Hart, there's nothing you can tell me-”
“I'm sorry.”
Ianto swallowed. “What for?”
“I couldn't save you. Couldn't keep you safe. God, it's like Gray all over again. I let go of his hand, you go out for milk-”
“Oh, yes, I can see how they are remotely similar.” Ianto turned to Jack, reaching out to make Jack face him. “For fuck's sake, Jack, it is not your job to save the fucking world, no matter how much you want to play the dashing hero rushing in to save the day.”
“Yes it is!”
“Jack!” He shook the lapels of Jack's coat in frustration.
“Hey, that's why Lizzie pays me the big bucks, remember? Risking life and limb to keep the British Empire safe from alien invasion.” Jack gave him a smirk but Ianto saw right through it.
“It wasn't an alien invasion,” Ianto reminded him softly with a shake of his head. “You couldn't have saved me, Cariad. The cloning process... it changed my DNA. There's no possible way you could have found me. The Cryogeneticists made sure of it. You understand this, don't you?”
Jack reached out to cup Ianto's cheeks. “You weren't meant to be touched by war, Ianto. My beautiful Ianto.”
“Torchwood, Jack. Canary Wharf, Cardiff... I was a little prepared for it.”
“You telling me what we do here prepared you for Havaasana?”
Ianto shrugged. “Well. Some of it.” Ianto manoeuvred his arms inside Jack's coat and wound them around Jack's waist. “The point is, I think you're still feeling guilty for not finding me sooner.” Jack's eyes gave him away. “You have to find a way to forgive yourself for that.”
“But-”
“Jack. Stop.” Ianto moved his head to catch Jack's dropped eyes. “I love you. There is nothing to forgive you for, but if it will make you feel better, you may have it. But I cannot give you your own. Only you can do that.”
Jack pulled Ianto closer, wrapping his arms around him. He blew out a breath and buried his head in Ianto's neck. Jack lifted his head and rested his chin on Ianto's shoulder.
“I don't know if I can, Yan.”
Ianto pulled back to look at Jack. “You need to.”
Jack closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Ianto's. “I don't want to tell you about the diaries.”
“Jack.”
“Please, Ianto. Please. Don't make me.”
Ianto kissed him. “I'm not going to make you do anything, Cariad.”
“But I promised.”
Ianto smiled and pulled out of Jack's arms, extending his hand. “Let's go home.”
“Ianto.”
“Let's go home, Jack. I'm hungry.”
Jack lifted his hand and put it into Ianto's. Ianto squeezed it, and pulled him away from the edge of the building. They made their way down to where Ianto had parked their SUV on the street in silence, yet Ianto never let go of Jack's hand. Jack looked down at their threaded fingers.
“Jack?” Ianto asked as they reached the car.
“Yeah?”
“You want to drive?” He held up the keys. Jack shook his head and brought their joined hands up to his lips to press a kiss to the back of Ianto's. “Okay. What do you say we pick up a pizza?”
~*~
Jack rested his head on Ianto's shoulder and slung a leg between Ianto's, his arm around Ianto's waist. Ianto's fingertips skimmed up and down Jack's sweat-soaked back, the sheet barely covering their naked waists. The air was thick with the scent of sex and Jack's pheromones.
“I'm scared Ianto,” Jack said softly in the dark.
Ianto moved his head to look down at his lover, “Why?”
“I'm scared if I tell you, you'll hate me.” Jack closed his eyes. “I... I can't... I need you, Ianto. I love you.”
Ianto swallowed hard. “Jack, there's nothing you can't tell me that we can't work through.”
“Promise me.” Jack looked up at where Ianto's face should be, and groped for it in the dark. “Promise me that no matter what, we'll work through it. Please.”
“Fucking hell, Jack, you're scaring me.”
“Promise me.”
Ianto found the back of Jack's head in the dark and pulled him up to kiss him deeply. “I promise. I promise, Jack.”
Jack breathed a sigh of relief and pressed a kiss to Ianto's bare shoulder. “I missed you so much Yan. So fucking much. Every single day. Not a day went by that I didn't read one of your diaries. I don't know what was more torturous, the fact that you wrote about us, or that you wrote about us in such detail. For the first few years when the loneliness got too much, I just pulled out the diaries and jerked off to them, the descriptions of us. It was enough... for a while. It didn't start until 6 years after you were taken. It doesn't seem that long in the grand scheme of things but at the time... it was a lifetime without you. I was on Myrexlyia I think. I can't even remember who it was...”
“You fucked someone else.”
“I couldn't even look at them. They all looked the same. White skin, black hair... fucked them from behind so I could pretend... but it was never you. It wasn't you. It was hard and fast, like punishment. I don't know who I was punishing, me or them. Me for needing it, them for reminding me of you. I felt sick afterwards. Sometimes I'd throw up. Always felt dirty and ashamed of myself. The first time, I threw him out of my hotel room and then shot myself in the head. I just... I couldn't stand his touch on me. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't feel you anymore, it was all him. And I needed to get him off. And that was the only way I could do it. It was as if I was cleansing myself of their touch. They never touched me if I died and revived.” Jack shook his head. “It became a ritual. I got lonely, I found someone and fucked them, then I'd kick them out, read your diary and kill myself.”
Ianto's eyes welled with tears at the thought of Jack doing that. Killing himself repeatedly. “Jack.”
“At first I was careful. I kept the diaries clean.” His voice was starting to choke up. “But then I started to get sloppy the more time passed. I didn't mean to get blood on them. I never meant for any of it.”
Ianto wrapped Jack up in his arms. “Shh, hey, it's okay. I'm here now.”
“I'm sorry, Yan. I'm so sorry!” Jack sobbed, climbing on top of Ianto and clinging to him.
“It's okay, Jack. It's okay.” Ianto held him tightly as he cried. Ianto closed his eyes against his own grief, but it wasn't about that right now. It was about helping Jack. Getting Jack through it was the important thing, what he needed to concentrate on. “I love you, Jack. It's okay.” He kissed Jack's hair, then peppered his forehead with kisses.
Jack lifted his head. “I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ianto. I love you.” Jack kissed Ianto deeply. “Please, forgive me. Please.”
Ianto kissed him again. “I forgive you, Jack,” Ianto said, knowing that there was nothing to forgive him for, but Jack wouldn't accept anything less than the words he thought he needed. “Jack... I want you to do something for me.”
Jack stilled. “What?”
“Fuck me like one of your replacements.”
Jack drew back in horror. “What?! No!” Jack scrambled back onto his knees. “No!”
“Jack,” Ianto sat up and reached for him but Jack recoiled. “Jack, please.”
“Why? Why would you want that?” Jack shook his head. “I can't! I can't do that!”
Ianto knelt on the bed and grasped Jack by the biceps, squeezing the muscles. “Jack, listen to me,” he said, sliding his hand up Jack's arm to his shoulder and then to the back of his neck, holding Jack's head against Ianto's. “Please. You did it for so long, over and over. You needed it. For whatever reason, you needed it.”
“I needed you,” Jack protested weakly, his arms wrapping around Ianto's waist, fingers digging into his back.
“Let this be your absolution. Let me be your absolution.” Ianto held his breath.
Jack swallowed hard as he stared at the dark space that was his lover. “Turn on the lamp,” he whispered, anguish evident.
“Jack-”
“Do it now, before I change my mind,” Jack ordered quietly. Ianto kissed Jack briefly then pulled out of his arms and crawled over to pull on the lamp's leaver to bathe the room in a soft amber glow, causing both men to wince at first.
Ianto turned back to Jack. “Now what?” He asked gently.
Jack swallowed and looked away. He cleared his throat. “I, ah, I would get them to strip and then suck me to hardness.”
Ianto nodded, and waved at Jack to stand up. Ianto got to his knees and lifted Jack's half hard cock up and wrapped his lips around the head, sucking hard. He heard Jack's hiss in response and used his tongue to dip into the slit, licking around the sensitive head and under the foreskin. Opening his mouth, Ianto let Jack's cock slide further in, pleased to feel it swell and lengthen. He used every trick he knew to give Jack pleasure, licking, sucking and pulling on his cock when he couldn't fit it all in his mouth and throat, using his free hand to caress and roll his balls, drawing out the moans and sighs above him as if he were conducting a symphony.
Suddenly Jack pulled back, panting. “Get on the bed, hands and knees. Face the wall,” he demanded. Ianto scrambled up, his own cock hard and aching bounced and slapped against his thigh, leaving a trail of clear liquid in its wake. “Don't touch yourself,” Jack added, as Ianto settled into position.
Jack pulled open the night stand and grabbed the tube of lubricant. He slicked up his cock and three of his fingers, discarding the tube in the drawer. Jack knelt on the double camp bed behind his lover, a hand on Ianto's flank to help steady him as he closed his eyes.
“Jack.” Ianto moved backwards to urge him on.
“Shut up,” Jack growled. “You don't talk. You don't say anything,” he said as he moved his hand up and down the white spine in front of him. Jack frowned as he was transported back, back to where Ianto was gone and all he had were memories. Jack reverently parted Ianto's cheeks, revealing the puckered hole hidden between them. Jack teased the rim with his wet fingers, before pulling on the edge and pushing two fingers inside. Ianto tensed at the intrusion, and forced himself to relax. “Ianto,” Jack whispered, pushing his fingers in and pulling them back out again. “Ianto...I...” Jack choked up and pushed the fingers in again, harder, making Ianto gasp. Jack pulled them out and pushed in a third before Ianto was ready.
“Jack,” Ianto protested, but Jack was lost in his mind.
“Think you can be him, think you replace him,” Jack muttered, as he stretched Ianto roughly. He pulled his fingers out and lined himself up. “No one will replace him,” Jack said, and pushed inside, pulling Ianto's hips back against his. “No one can.”
Jack pulled back, paused a moment then thrust in hard. Ianto cried out. Jack's hands massaged up Ianto's sides, and hooked around to pull Ianto back against him. Ianto groaned at the change of angle, his knees automatically spreading wider for balance and to offer himself up to Jack, seeking any pleasure he could find. Jack buried his head in Ianto's neck, one arm wrapped around his shoulders, the other around his hips as he pounded into Ianto punishingly.
“Jack,” Ianto moaned when he threw his head back. He was flying on sensation, Jack's pheromones filling the room and making him drowsy. The almost brutal force that Jack was thrusting into him was a surprising turn on. “Fuck, Jack...so good...” Ianto's words penetrated through Jack's internal monologue of self-loathing and shame.
Jack lifted his head, and stared down at the man in his arms. “Oh my God,” he said horrified, pulling out and pushing Ianto away.
“What the-” Ianto turned around to see Jack trembling and curling in on himself.
“You're not...you could never be... Just leave. Please. Just leave.” Jack's eyes were glazed, like he wasn't there.
“Jack!” Ianto moved over to his lover, forcing him to look up. “Jack, look at me. Jack, c'mon. Come back to me.” Ianto was frantic. Jack wasn't responding to him. “Jack!”
Jack frowned and shook his head a little. “Ianto? Are you real?”
“I'm here, cariad,” Ianto said, relief washing over him. “I'm here.”
“Ianto!” Jack surged up and buried his head in Ianto's neck, his arms wrapping around him, holding him in a vice grip. “Ianto, don't leave me. Don't leave me, please, don't go. Don't go.”
“Never, Jack. I'm not going anywhere,” Ianto soothed. “It's okay, Jack. I'm here now.” Ianto pushed Jack back down on the bed. “Let me take care of you,” he said as he brushed Jack's hair off his face, and peppered it with kisses. Jack nodded, his eyes watching Ianto's every move. Ianto straddled Jack, grinding his arse against Jack's now half hard cock. “I love you, Jack. You found me. I'm here, and I'm never leaving you again. Not unless it's what you want.”
“Never,” Jack whimpered. “Never want that.”
Ianto captured Jack's lips and sucked on the flesh, teasing it with his teeth and soothing the sting with his tongue. Jack writhed up against Ianto, groaning and digging his fingers hard into Ianto's back muscles. Ianto rose up onto his knees and reached back to find Jack's cock with his hand. He made sure Jack was hard enough before lining himself up and sinking down slowly until he bottomed out. Jack vocalised his appreciation, his hands finding Ianto's hips, and bending his knees to bring his feet up flat on the bed for some leverage.
“Keep your eyes on mine, Jack,” Ianto said, tilting his pelvis to make himself rise up before lowering himself again. “Just watch me.”
Jack pushed himself up into Ianto hard, pulling Ianto's hips down onto his own, hissing at the pleasure that coursed through him. “I love you, Ianto,” he said, his eyes looking directly into his lover's. “Only you. For eternity.”
“Love you too,” Ianto moaned, wanting desperately to arch back and pull on his own cock. “Fuck. Fuck.” Ianto sped up his rotation of his hips, and wrapped a hand around himself. Jack batted his hand out of the way and took over. Ianto panted and closed his eyes for a moment before he lifted his head, making sure that Jack was still watching him.
“So beautiful, Yan,” Jack whispered reverently. “So gorgeous. No one is more beautiful than you are like this.” Jack ran a hand up and down Ianto's chest, fingers running through the dark smattering of hair on the white skin. His hand ended it's journey wrapped around Ianto's cock, jerking it in time with Ianto's rhythm on Jack's. “So lucky,” Jack said, watching him. “So lucky to have you back. Never letting you go, Ianto. Never.” Ianto felt his balls draw up and shuddered through his orgasm. Jack helped him through it. “So beautiful.”
Ianto felt sated and lethargic as he collapsed against Jack. “I love you.”
Jack kissed him deeply. “Love you too, baby.”
“Fuck me, Jack. Come inside me.” Jack held onto Ianto and pushed them back to the other end of the bed so he was on top. Kneeling up to garner the leverage he needed, Jack hooked Ianto's legs over his arms. Ianto gave him a dopey, relaxed smile. “C'mon Jack. Show me what you're made of.” Jack started to thrust in and out, angling to hit Ianto's prostate. “Look at me, Jack,” Ianto reminded him. “Keep looking at me.”
“Ianto,” Jack whispered.
“I'm right here.” Ianto leaned up to kiss Jack, “For as long as you want me.”
“Forever.”
“Forever it is,” Ianto agreed, and Jack felt his balls draw up and orgasm explode inside his lover. When Jack came to, Ianto was smiling up at him. His fingers were running through his sweat-soaked hair. “Welcome back.”
“I passed out?” Jack asked, looking around. He carefully eased his way out of Ianto's arse and moved off his chest and to the side a little so he could breath, but his arm was still flung over him possessively.
“Seems me agreeing to be with you for eternity was a little too much for you. Are you sure it's what you want?” Ianto asked, half jokingly, half honestly asking.
Jack found the energy to push himself up a little. “I'll do whatever you want, Yan. You want rings, we'll get rings. You want a ceremony, we'll do a commitment ceremony, civil partnership, whatever they're called. You want tattoos, I'll tattoo your name on my goddamn ass. Whatever it will take to make you believe that you are it for me, I'll do it.”
Ianto gave Jack a small smile. “You know, for someone as charming as you are, you really suck at romance, you know that?”
Jack looked offended. “What? I'm romantic!”
Ianto rolled his eyes. “If you want me to do any of those things, you're going to have to figure out a much nicer, more appropriate way of asking than that... rubbish.”
“I thought you wanted them?” Jack asked, confused.
“Wanted what?”
“Commitment? You know, labels, commitment, the whole nine yards. Isn't that what you wanted?” Jack asked, frowning. He was sure that's what was in Ianto's diaries.
“I wanted to know where I stood with you, Jack. I know that now. I don't need a commitment from you, though it is nice to have one. I appreciate that. Thank you. I didn't think you wanted to be... formally joined so to speak... with anyone,” Ianto worded carefully.
“That was before!” Jack waved off.
“Before?”
“Before. You know,” Jack waved at him.
“Oh. Before I became 230 years old you mean?” Ianto asked, raising an eyebrow.
“You certainly don't feel 230 years old, believe me,” Jack grinned. “But yeah.”
Ianto nodded. “Right. So now I'm immortal, I'm okay to be in a relationship with, but before when there was a chance I'd kark it, well, let's just string him along. Is that it?” Ianto asked, hurt welling.
“Ye- no! No! Of course not!”
“I see.” Ianto tried to push Jack off him. “Jack, get off me.”
“No.” Instead, Jack moved further onto Ianto, pinning him. “Now you listen to me, Ianto Jones. I know that I was an idiot back then. I was. I was stupid, and blind. But I loved you, and only you. There was no one else but you. And whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not, we were in a relationship, just like we are now.” Jack toyed with the loose lock of black hair on Ianto's forehead before brushing it back. “I love you Ianto. You and your need for organisation, and your desire to always be right, and your infuriating lack of belief that I am in this with you for the long haul. I love you, and only you. And I want to be with you forever. It would be an honour if you would spend forever with me, and put up with my outrageously flirtatious nature and dashingly good looks, my ability to attract trouble like a magnet and to remind me to be more human than robot when I forget to be?” A tear slid out the side of Ianto's eye. “Ianto?”
“I can't fucking believe it.”
“Believe what?” Jack asked. “What's wrong?”
“I was wrong,” Ianto said softly. “Turns out you can do romance after all,” he said, pulling Jack's head down to kiss him deeply.
Next Story in Time Verse is The Curious Case Of Ianto Jones