(no subject)
He was leaving. He was really leaving. The thought ran round Jensen’s head like something out of his worst nightmares. God he was going, heading off to the other side of the damn world, with him, and it was his own fault.
He sat as far back as he could, huddled himself into the corner, sitting back in his chair like he didn’t have a care, and to the person who didn’t know him he looked like a man who had all the time in the world to just sit back and enjoy the party and celebrations going on around him. But Jensen felt like he was dying.
He knew it was irrational, and he knew everything that was wrong in his life right now was his own damn fault. He had held Jared’s heart in the palm of his hand and he had let it go, no, he had shattered that man’s heart and left someone else to pick up the pieces.
He watched as the man he had let slip through his fingers threw his head back and laughed at some ridiculous joke Mike was telling. His hair fell around his face in soft waves, the usual stray bangs falling into his hazel eyes and Jensen’s hands itched with the urge to just go over there and run his fingers through them and off his face. But he didn’t have the right to do that, not anymore. That privilege now belonged to Sebastian.
Sebastian; Jensen felt his throat tighten with the agony of holding back such a feeling of complete jealousy he thought he would choke. He took another long drink from the bottle of beer he held in his hand and his eyes searched out the offending man. Sebastian or Seb as Jared called him was standing across the room not to far from Jared’s side. They rarely left each others sight for more than a few minutes these days and it made Jensen sick. He was standing, holding a bottle of beer and one hand in the pocket of the expensive pants he wore, as he talked to Steve. The elegant white shirt sitting comfortably across his shoulders and his brown eyes alive as they chatted about music he guessed, and his felt the invisible hand on his throat tighten even further and he had to put the bottle on the table before he gave into the urge to throw it.
It would be so much easier of the man were an asshole, but Jared had struck gold. Sebastian was a great guy and he looked at Jared like he hung the moon. The man could sing too, in fact that was how Jared had met him, when he had been out drowning himself in beer after Jensen had turned him down. The French man had been playing hotel bars and lounges and Jared had been sitting alone and had caught Seb’s eye. Nothing had happened between them at first, but Seb had given Jared what he had needed the most, a shoulder.
It hadn’t taken long for the light to come back into Jared’s face, slowly, but it was there, and it had been too late by the time Jensen had realised his mistake. Jared had already fallen head over heels for the other man and Jensen could do nothing but take a step back and let Jared heal. He had caused this; he had pushed these two together, all because he had been too stupid to see what was in front of his face all along. The least he could do now was just leave him alone to be happy with someone else. After all, he had turned Jared down, told him they would never be more than friends, he didn’t look at him that way, he was his best friend and a great guy but there would never be any more. Jared had listened with tears in his eyes; he had apologised to Jensen for putting him in such an uncomfortable position and promised he wouldn’t bring it up again. Jensen had just been too relieved not to have their friendship ruined, and he had given Jared he space he had needed to get over the fact that Jensen didn’t love him, not like that.
It wasn’t until Jared told him about Sebastian, and Jensen had seen the way Jared light up when he talked about him that he had felt the first twinge of doubt. Then Jared had spent less and less time at home, less time with Jensen and more time with Sebastian. But it was the night he had accidentally walked in on the two men that he had realised how utterly stupid he had been. The image of Jared on his knees, head thrown back against the chest of the older man as he had thrust hard into Jared’s body was something that would never leave Jensen. The two men had been too immersed in each other to even know that he had stood there for god knows how long, rooted to the spot as Sebastian had leaned over Jared’s strong taut back, gently nipping as Jared threw his head back and moaned, fingers entwined, they had both gripped Jared’s cock and together they had stroked until Jared had come, Sebastian a few seconds behind.
He could have had that, he could have had Jared’s love but he had been blind and now Jared was leaving, heading off on a European tour with Sebastian for twelve months and it was too late. As he watched, Sebastian’s eyes shifted from Steve suddenly and moved to find Jared, Jared was laughing again, Mike in his element as he told tale after tale, and Sebastian’s eyes softened as he watched Jared laugh. Then his eyes fell on Jensen so suddenly that Jensen had no chance to look away, to cover up the feelings he knew he had let show on his face, and Sebastian frowned slightly before his eyes cleared and he smiled and nodded slightly and looked away again.
A sudden driving need to get away had Jensen launching himself off the seat and out the back door of the house he and Jared had shared for so long. Standing outside he heaved in great gulps of air, and reached for a cigarette. He rarely smoked, but sometimes, just sometimes he needed one and this was definitely one of those times. He moved to stand under the huge tree at the bottom of the garden, the night was cool but not cold, and the sky was clear as he leaned back against the trunk inhaling deeply and watching the smoke as it rose as he exhaled.
“You know those will kill you...hic...”
Jensen started at the sound of Jared’s voice right beside him, he had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t seen him approach. He raised an eyebrow as Jared hiccuped again and couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face at the comical frown on Jared’s as he tried to hold his breath to clear them.
“And how many times must this happen to you before you realise that you can’t drink more than two bottles of that stuff before you are hiccuping for the night man?”
Jared grinned and hiccuped loudly again and Jensen laughed out loud at the curse that left Jared’s mouth. Jared turned to him again and leaned against the trunk, their shoulders touching slightly as they both gazed up at the night sky.
“At least you don’t have to listen to these goddamn hiccups anymore after tonight....hic....goddamnit!”
Jensen chortled as he watched Jared hold his breath in another attempt to halt them and turn purple in the attempt. Jared glared at the laughing man for a moment before shoving him with a nudge of his shoulder and Jensen pushed back causing a hilarious tussle with Jared ending up on his ass still hiccuping as Jensen bent in two laughing so hard tears poured down his face. Jared sat back still hiccuping and grinned wide, dimples out in full force and suddenly it was out there before he could stop it;
“Don’t go...”
The effect was immediate. Jared tensed and frowned as he rose from his position on the ground and brushed himself off, never taking his eyes of Jensen’s mortified face.
“What?”
Jensen took a deep breath, it was now or never, Jared had put himself out there and told Jensen how he felt and got his heart trampled on because of it. He couldn’t let Jared go without him knowing, knowing he hadn’t been wrong, Jensen had been stupid and he just....
“Don’t go Jared, please? I know this is the worst possible time to say something like this, and I know you are leaving soon, but god....I couldn’t...I can’t let you go without telling you...”
He raised his eyes finally to Jared’s face and the look of realisation dawning on Jared’s face almost made him flinch, but he wouldn’t back down now, and he forced himself to meet his eyes.
“No, don’t you dare Jensen, not now, I came out here to say goodbye damnit! Sebastian is waiting for me in there! He loves me! We’re leaving! Jensen...damnit no!”
“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry Jared. I seem to do nothing but hurt you... and ...I don’t expect you to return my feelings now, not now, not after all this time, but....you deserve to know, that, I love you Jared, and I know you don’t want to hear it, but you should know... I love you and I was stupid to send you away, but I know now I was wrong and the thoughts of you....Jesus the thought of you leaving without you hearing this from me.....I love you.”
Jared stared at Jensen for what seemed like hours before turning on his heel ad walking away. He got halfway across the garden before he turned around again and stood at his full height, one hand shoved through his hair and the other pointing straight at Jensen, barely concealed tears glittered on his lashes as he lashed out.
“Fuck you Jensen! Fuck you! How dare you? I loved you damnit! I loved you so much and you said no! You turned me away and said you didn’t feel that way about me, and I....you broke me in fucking two Jensen and now...now that I’m happy, that I have a real shot at happiness with a great guy you say this?? What do you want from me Jensen? Fall at your feet and worship you again? Maybe once, I would have...but you threw that away and I can’t, not now...”
He turned away again and bent over as if in pain, both hands in his hair now, before straightening up and turning back, a calm facade settled over stormy eyes;
“No, you don’t get to do this to me, not again, goodbye Jensen. I hope you find peace.”
With that he was gone, and Jensen stood in that same spot by the tree and forced himself to watch as Jared went to Sebastian and kissed him softly, drawing him in for a hug, before shaking hands and hugging the people gathered to say goodbye, and just like that he was gone. He never looked back and Jensen didn’t blame him, but he wasn’t sorry...he just hoped that someday Jared would forgive him.
Two hours later he sat under the tree with a silent Christian Kane beside him. The other man had joined him shortly after Jared had left for the airport and hadn’t spoken a word, just sat there, silently supporting his friend and his heart broke. Eventually Chris rose and walked into the house, returning some ten minutes later with two mugs of fresh coffee and handing one to Jensen, once again joined him on the ground.
“I cured his hiccups.”
Chris’s eyebrows shot up as he looked at Jensen,
“Hiccups? You sit there for two hours in silence and then you talk about hiccups?”
Jensen smiled faintly, the smile never reaching his eyes;
“Ever noticed how Jared gets the hiccups when he drinks too much of that beer you guys always bring?”
“Uh huh” Chris chuckled, already missing the overgrown pup.
“When I told him how I felt, he got so angry....but he got rid of the hiccups....”
Jensen rubbed his hand over his face in an effort to get a hold of himself;
“I fucked up Chris, I broke his heart when he told me he loved me and I did it again when he was finally happy with someone else...how selfish was that?”
Chris had no answer, he knew no answer was required, he softly placed his hand on Jensen’s shoulder for a moment and Jensen nodded jerkily and glanced at his watch;
“Flight left twenty minutes ago, he’s gone Chris, he’s gone and I have no one to blame but myself. I was too late, I left it too late to tell him how much he means to me, how much I love him....”
“Don’t do this to yourself man, come on, come inside, it’s real late, you need some sleep, we can clean up the mess in the morning, come on... come inside.”
Jensen glanced over at Chris and nodded and rose on stiff legs and turned toward the house, Chris right behind him. A shadowy figure stood framed in the doorway stopping Jensen in his tracks and causing Chris to almost walk into him. Cursing softly Chris peeked over Jensen’s shoulder to see what had stopped him and his eyes widened as Jared’s tall figure moved from the door and took a step out into the garden.
“Jared?”
Jensen’s voice was nothing more than a husky whisper but it was loud enough for Jared to hear and he took one more step forward and stopped;
“You turn me inside out Jensen, why do you do that? Why?”
Jensen’s breath caught in his throat and he couldn’t answer, knew that nothing would come out if he tried so he just shook his head, tears gathering as he watched Jared take another tentative step forward before stopping again;
“Sebastian is a good man, and he loves me. Why couldn’t I just go with him? Why did it just take those words from your mouth to take me straight back to square one? Why am I so damned in love with you that I couldn’t run with a man who would have loved me with everything he has?”
Jensen took a small step forward, hardly daring to breathe and forcing his voice to co operate;
“I’m sorry, I fucked up again, I won’t break your heart again I swear.”
Jared moved again until they were only two steps apart;
“I broke his heart you know. Sebastian. I couldn’t get on the plane, I couldn’t do it, I would always be wondering what if...I had to come back...find out...did you mean it? Do you really love me? Or is it just some stupid pride thing ‘cause I moved on?”
Jared’s voice had an edge to it, but Jensen could see from here the desperate hope and longing and fear that flashed in his eyes as he waited for Jensen’s answer.
“I love you Jared, and it took me too long to see what I had thrown away, I’m so sorry....I never meant to hurt you, I should have just left you alone, let you move on with him...”
Jared shook his head and clenched his hands into fists at his side n an effort to stop himself reaching out and pulling Jensen to him;
“I loved him, but, not like you, not like I love you. He helped me move on, he was good to me, good for me and I’m sorry I hurt him, but, he told me at the airport that he could see you had feelings for me, he said he had been watching you and how you looked at me. He knew I was upset about something and guessed it was you, and he told me to come back, to at least find out what’s here, between us. He said he would always love me and that he was only a call away if....if I want to go to him again...he...he is a good man Jensen....god...help me? Please Jensen, just.....don’t break me again, I couldn’t survive it again...”
Jensen took the final two steps toward Jared and walked straight into his arms, Jared’s fists still clenched at his sides as Jensen reached up to cup his cheek.
“I promise you Jared, I will never ever hurt you again. If you give me this chance I swear to god I won’t ever let you go again...”
Jared’s choked “Jensen” was uttered chokingly as his hands finally unclenched and he rose them to place them on either side of Jensen’s face and he finally lowered his head and kissed him, tasting gently and both men kissed there for several moments, just learning the feel of each other, before Jared pulled away to smile down into Jensen’s upturned face;
“Well that was one hell of a way to cure hiccups!”
Jensen grinned back and turned his face to gently kiss the hand that still cupped his face;
“Yes it was...” Grabbing Jared’s hand he tugged him toward the house, “Let’s go inside, have another beer or two, I have one or two more ideas to cure hiccups I’ve been dying to try out!”