What Might Have Been Been
The shrill of the phone finally got through to Chris Kane’s sleep deprived head. Reaching blindly for the phone while at the same time looking at the ridiculous hour on the clock, he sincerely hoped someone was dead or dying, cause if they weren’t, they would be. He had been working crazy hours the last few days on the set, it was mostly night shoots and the one damn night he got to see his bed, someone with a death wish calls him. Muttering darkly to himself he pressed the answer button and grumbled down the phone;
“This had better be good.”
“Jensen is in L.A....”
That got Chris’ attention and he shot up in bed, now on full alert;
“Shit! Steve, Jared’s here this week! He has the Golden Globes, fuck!”
“I know Chris I know, why do you think I’m calling you?”
Chris took a deep breath and tried to think,
“Ok, ok, when did he get here? Where are you? Damnit! I thought he was over this!”
“Chris, calm the fuck down man! I’m calling you because I’m in London, doing a few gigs, I can’t get away, and I need you to go get him, or at least be with him...Jesus, just...something!”
“Ok....ok...what did he say to you? He heard Steve sigh deeply down the phone and he could picture the other man pinching the bridge of his nose as he often did when he was stressed.
“I called, he seemed ok to me, a little quiet, I asked him how the shoot was going, he said he was good that he had a few days off, I knew Chris, I knew right away and I just said Please god Jensen tell me you’re not in L.A., he said he was, has been there since yesterday, it’s why he hasn’t called, he knew you would chew him out of it, God Chris he just sounded so lonely, he said he wouldn’t talk to him, just said he wants to see him, he swore he wouldn’t approach Jared, just....Chris, I’m worried, if they meet, if this thing starts again, it will destroy them both....”
“Ok, Steve its ok, I will track him down, couldn’t be too hard right? Jared is here and he will visit the usual haunts so it will be easy to find Jensen, don’t worry about it man. I will sort it”
Chris hoped he sounded calmer and more assuring than he felt, but he managed to convince Steve it was ok and hung up promising to call as soon as he had Jensen. He fell back onto the pillows, staring without seeing, lost in thought. Fuck, Christ, everyone thought they were ok, they were over it, if Jensen went to Jared now... sighing, he gave up on sleep and padded to the kitchen for a coffee. Jensen was his friend, one of the best friends he had ever had, but damnit he wasn’t thinking clearly. He had kept an eye out for Jared over the last two years through Chad Murray, and he knew how fucking hard it had been for him to pick himself up and go on. How the break up had almost destroyed him. But he was doing well now, nominated for a golden Globe for his latest role and he was looking good for an Oscar nod. He ran his hand through his too long hair and wished not for the first time he had never suggested to the producers that Elliot have long hair to finish off the look and glanced at the time again. Deciding it wasn’t too early, he picked up the phone to give Jason a call, see if he had heard from Jensen.
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Jensen felt so stupid, he knew he shouldn’t be here, he knew the damage it would cause, to them both, but god, it had been so long, and looking at pictures or seeing Jared on the screen wasn’t near enough. He swore he wouldn’t even let Jared know he was there, but god he just wanted to see him, just see him in the flesh, reassure himself they had done the right thing, then he would leave, go back to Vancouver and back to his latest role. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, even after two years of being without Jared he knew him, he knew where he would be. Jared was a creature of habit and he had friends, close friends in L.A. that he loved and he knew that is where he would find him, but as he had sat in an out of the way cafe, the last person in the world he had expected to walk in was Jared.
His breath caught in his throat as he watched Jared at the counter, ordering a coffee to go, he was obviously on his way back from an early morning run, his t shirt and shorts sticking to his large frame with sweat. He couldn’t move, couldn’t prevent what was gonna happen, his body completely betraying him and refusing to move out of the cafe and out of Jared’s way before he was spotted. But Jared turned slowly, like he knew, he watched with his heart in his throat and his hands shaking as Jared’s eyes moved over the crowded cafe, looking, and he was sure his heart did actually stop when Jared’s gaze fell on him.
Everything seemed to narrow down to the man now standing staring at Jensen in shock, his face paled and the hand holding the paper cup of coffee shook and then Jared moved. His movements jerky and very obviously unsure, Jared made his way to where Jensen sat staring wide eyed at the man he had wanted so much to see but hadn’t been prepared for. What was he doing on this side of town? Jared’s friends lived way over on the other side, Jensen had felt it was safe to hang here, he had been sure Jared would be the very last person to walk in and yet....
“Jensen?”
Jensen blinked up at Jared, who now stood at the table his hazel green eyes wide and disbelieving.
“Jared, hey...” Jensen stood and nervously wiped his hands on his jeans, the urge to reach out and touch the man before him overwhelming him for a moment, but he knew it would be a huge mistake; no way could he touch Jared and walk away. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and watched as Jared’s face mirrored the emotions Jensen fought so hard to control.
“Can I, can I join you?”
“Sure! Sure sit, please.”
Jared folded his body into a chair and Jensen sat down once more, watching with greedy eyes as Jared placed the cup on the table, his large hands and long fingers fiddling with the rim of the cup as he gazed at Jensen.
“What are you doing here Jensen?”
Jensen had forgotten how direct Jared was, he had never been one to beat around the bush when something was important to him and he smiled a little at memories that flashed unbidden in his head;
“Uh, meetings, I had one or two meetings, I thought this cafe was safe, I didn’t know you would come in here Jared I promise you, I would never have come here otherwise.”
Jared smiled then, reassuring Jensen, ”Oh I know, I just bought a place not far from here, away from my friends I know, but....I needed some privacy you know? I think Chad is finally letting me off the leash.”
He grinned slow and easy at Jensen then and Jensen smiled tentatively back, a fire starting in his belly as he watched love, hope and sadness flit across Jared’s open face. Suddenly it was too much, this was a mistake, he had to leave, get out, Jared was right here and he was as beautiful as he remembered and Jensen was going to crawl out of his skin with want. Rising quickly he attempted a friendly smile that fell way off the mark;
“Well it was good seeing you again Jared, I’ve got to go, see you around.”
A large hand snaked around his wrist as he made to walk away and his gaze flew to the long fingers currently causing the sparks of electricity to work their way up his arm, and then to the look of desperation on Jared’s face as he pleaded;
“Please, Jensen please, don’t go, stay, please, it’s been so long and I....I’ve missed you, please, stay and talk a while?”
Memories of a night two years ago flooded his mind, and those same words uttered in a broken whisper as Jensen had tried to leave, “Please Jensen, don’t go, please please stay, just for a little bit longer, I love you ...please....” . Jensen hadn’t been able to walk away then and he couldn’t walk away now so he nodded and sat down and the relief on Jared’s face as he did so caused a fresh stab of pain and he knew then that he should have listened to Chris and Steve and stayed away, coming here had been a huge mistake and a selfish one at that. He should have left Jared alone while he was happy and coping, instead he was sitting here, drinking in every look Jared shot him, every glance full of hope and longing and knowing it wasn’t gonna end any better than it had back then.
So he sat down and they began to talk, little things, both keeping the conversation light and away from anything that might lead to anything more serious. An hour later and Jensen was amazed time had gone so fast, they had discussed everything from Jared’s movie to his next project, the upcoming Golden Globes and how he dreaded it and the break he planned on after he was done with the next movie. Jensen told him about the latest TV role, they laughed at some silly incident that Jensen related, Jared congratulated him for the Emmy he had won for the role he had played in the last season of 24 and he had recounted the fun he had had playing the role of the man who had ended Jack Bauers life and the freedom of playing a truly nasty character.
Finally Jared grimaced and looking down at his grimy t shirt and shorts he glanced up at Jensen and grinned quick and bright;
“I guess I should go shower and change, I really stink man, and I have a meeting with my manager in an hour.”
Jensen swallowed nervously and nodded, Jared lifting the bottom of his t shirt to try and get some air in was far too distracting, but Jared didn’t seem to notice as he grew serious once more.
“Jensen, I had a great time talking to you, I missed this, us, will you meet me later? Just for a drink, we can talk about old times some more, what do you say huh?”
“Jared, I don’t know man, it isn’t going to do either of us any good, maybe we should walk away now while we can, it’s been really good seeing you and talking....”
“Please...I know it’s gonna hurt soon, but I...I don’t care and who knows when we will be in the same town again, no one has to know, and the guys can’t argue about something they will never know about, just a couple of beers, huh? We can do this Jensen, we can be friends right?”
God what had he done? How was he supposed to stay away? The years stripped away and it was like they had never happened and he felt such a rush of love and longing and he knew the feelings had once again shown on his face, as Jared smiled tremulously nodded slightly as if to say that yes he felt it too.
“Alright, ok Jared, let’s have a beer.”
“Awesome! That’s fantastic Jensen, I know a great little bar and it’s out of the way and real quiet and we can talk properly there and not be bothered about anyone!”
Five minutes later Jensen watched as Jared once again waved and disappeared out the door of the cafe. He rubbed shaky hands over his face and he knew he shouldn’t go to that bar, he knew he couldn’t, they had agreed two years ago when Supernatural had ended and they had known this thing between them would never work, they had agreed that it would be best to stay out of each other’s lives for the time being. It would hurt too much to be around each other knowing what they had and had walked away from, so yes he knew that the right thing to do was to leave now and never look back.
He also knew there was no way he could stay away.
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part 2