What Might Have Been Been pt 4
Carried away on a high of Jared’s touch and his own raging emotions Jensen nodded and leaned in for another kiss but the sound of his name being uttered softly but firmly and Jensen turned and stared into the faces of Chris and Chad. Dropping his head for a moment and bracing himself for the argument that was about to ensue, he squeezed Jared’s hand before moving back and facing Chris head on.
“Chris, don’t get involved man, stay out of this.”
“Stay out of this? Are you fucking out of your mind Jensen? You can’t do this! You know that! This will kill you both all over again dude! Come on Jensen...” he pleaded and seeing his pleas were falling on deaf ears he took a deep breath and used the one thing that would be sure to halt him in his tracks, “ At least think of Jared here if you won’t consider your own career man, if this gets out it will ruin him, you know this, no one will touch him in this town, no matter how advanced they say they are you fucking know they won’t hire an openly gay man in the really big roles, the ones he deserves, and your family, Jesus Jensen, they won’t get this. We have been through all of this Jensen, just....come away with me now, please, before any more damage is done.”
Jared spared Jensen from replying by addressing both men in a voice no higher than a growl;
“You have no right to come in here and talk on my behalf Chris, and you...”He turned to Chad “Don’t you try and say one fucking word Chad or I swear I will kick your sorry fucking ass, we both want this, we both should never have let outsiders talk us into thinking what we had was wrong in the first place. Fuck my career! I don’t care, let them drop me, let them say whatever the fuck they want Chris. Our families, they will have to come to terms with this, I’m not letting Jensen go again, I’m not.”
“Jare....” Chad’s voice broke through, soft and pleading and his face had a look of total heartbreak as he watched his long time friend fight to control the terror that was evident on his face as he reached for Jensen’s hand “Listen to me Jare, we are not trying to interfere here, and we are not trying to keep you from happiness, god knows you deserve it. But Jared, I can’t stand by and watch you fall apart all over again when this doesn’t work out, and neither can Chris, we love you guys like family, you guys are family, but please Jare, you know where this is gonna end dude and it will kill me to see you in that state again. You can’t go back man, no matter how hard you try, you cant go back or try to live on what might have been, it won’t work.”
“No....No Chad! You’re not doing this, you’re not going to get me to change my mind, our minds....”
“Jay....” Jensen’s softly spoken voice got through to Jared faster than any amount of shouting might have done and Jared turned to face him, already knowing from the look on Jensen’s face what he was going to say;
“Jensen, don’t, please, don’t listen to them, we can do this, please, trust me....trust us...please Jen, we have lost too much time already and I can’t and won’t do this without you anymore....please Jensen, please.”
Jensen felt like he couldn’t breathe, his chest felt like a steel band had wrapped itself around it and was squeezing the very life out of him and he watched Jared fall apart as he clung to his hand.
“Jay, listen to me now, they are right, this was a mistake, and I take full responsibility for it, I should have left you alone, you have a good life now and you moved on. Thinking about then and what could have been is wrong and only holds you back, you deserve so much more, there is no way of knowing how this would end up Jared and I won’t risk everything on that, I won’t risk you, you ending up hating me.”
“I could never hate you Jen, I swear I could never hate you....I will go back to Vancouver with you, I don’t care where I am as long as I’m with you....”
Jensen pulled his hand away and rose, tears falling now and he brushed them away, he caused this, he didn’t deserve the freedom of tears. “I care Jay, I love you too much to ever let you throw everything away for me, you have a great talent, and you are going to be a truly great actor and I wont stand in the way of that and I can’t live this life, I can’t, I tried and I just can’t do it.”
Jared felt like his heart was no longer part of his body, he just felt dead inside, numb and he did the only thing he could do, he lashed out. Rising quickly he towered over Jensen, Chris and Chad completely forgotten so deep was his hurt.
“You know what? Fuck you Jensen, fuck you! I won’t let you do this again, I won’t give you the satisfaction of watching me fall apart again! Is this how you get your kicks huh? Did you come here to do this me? To see if I would fall back into your arms and beg you to come back? Well congratulations Jensen, you win, I did, I begged you like an idiot and now you can go back and laugh about it, I stroked your ego good and proper this time huh? Well fuck you Jensen, I don’t need you, I don’t want you, I can have plenty more and believe me I have had plenty since Vancouver and its fucking brilliant. So just leave, go the fuck away...”
“I’m so sorry Jay, I’m so so sorry.”
The words were as softly spoken as ever and Jared couldn’t look at the pain on Jensen’s face anymore and before anyone could guess at what he would do, before he even knew what he was going to do he had clenched his fist and it met Jensen’s cheek with a sickening thump. Chris grabbed Jensen as he fell backwards and Chad stepped in front of Jared and held both is hands up in front of him, talking swiftly and gently steering him backwards.
Jensen was reeling and he supposed he deserved it. He did this, he should have listened and stayed away and now Jared was looking at him like he was nothing more than the dirt beneath his feet and he just wanted to crawl away and die.
Chris took him by the shoulders and turned him around and headed for the door, stopping half way, Jensen turned and looked at Jared as he stood with Chad, complete devastation and anger warring on his face; “I’m so sorry Jay, I....I’m just sorry.” And he walked out the door and out of Jared’s life.
Jared stood staring at the door for a full thirty seconds before his brain caught up with the reality of what had happened and with an anguished “Jensen...” He ran for the door before Chad could stop him and running out into the street and looking up and down he saw Jensen getting into a car that had been double parked across the street.
“Jensen!”
Jensen whirled around at the sound of his name shouted so brokenly and watched as Jared stood on the edge of the sidewalk, his hands by his sides and a look of desperation and sorrow on his beautiful face.
“Jensen....I’m sorry....I’m sorry, I love you, please...please Jensen.....”
Chris stoped one foot in the door of the car and leaning over the top he called Jensen, “Jensen, come on kid, lets get you home.”
Jensen turned to face Chris and turned back to look at Jared once more, the younger man taking a step of the sidewalk and onto the busy road, completely oblivious to the traffic; “There was never anyone but you Jensen, no one but you, I love you, I’m sorry, don’t go, please, I’m sorry....I have never wanted anyone, not since you..It’s only ever been you...”
Jensen took a step away from the car and toward Jared, stopping when Chris called out to him, looking back at his friends’ anguished face and back again to Jared’s, eyes full of tears that threatened to blind him. He couldn’t do it, God help him he couldn’t do it... Turning back to Chris he whispered “Go home Chris, my place is here, with Jared, we will work it out, I promise we will be ok, we will work it out. I owe this to him and to me, I love him and.....we will work it all out....”
With one final look in Chris’s direction and a reassuring smile, feeling lighter than he had in two years he took another step toward Jared, smiling wide and bright and as he watched the smile of joy break out onto Jared’s face and as he watched Jared take a long step out onto the road to meet Jensen halfway, neither of them saw the car.
Jared never stood a chance........